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What the -- we're back? Really? Well, good! I guess.
Mode is still in trouble, because the Sex Issue (remember? Last episode? It happened about a month ago?) tanked. And meanwhile, Betty's super-rich boyfriend is giving her limo rides and inviting her to incredibly exclusive Easter egg parties hosted by his mega-rich father, who rescues struggling magazines for fun. But he's far too rich to meet with Daniel, even though Betty's promised Daniel that it will happen. Awkwardness ensues, and Betty ends up selling out her relationship with Matt so she can get Daniel a meeting with the legendary Cal Hartley. Betty gets forgiven, but Daniel has to hop around like a bunny before the magazine gets miraculously saved.
The money troubles don't appear to be impacting Wilhelmina's plot, which I assume is because she lives in a bubble of richness. Her issue is that the baby doesn't look a lot like her, but it does look a bit like Christina. That's what all the characters claim, anyway. It just looks like a generic baby to me. So Marc has to find out if Christina maybe had sex before the insemination. The baby might really be hers! Which suggests that someone on the writing team saw Baby Mama! But a DNA test says it's Wili's, so never mind, I guess.
Oh, and Amanda claims to be the Einstein of having sex. She also has a pornographic memory. It's like she's spent the last month thinking of weird sex-related things to say. Which is pretty much her job on the show at this point, so I approve. And then she's fired and replaced with a flower and a sign, but she comes back when things get fixed.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!We open on a montage of Daniel and Wili riding in subways and busses. It's hilarious, see, because they're rich, which means that they don't know how to take public transit. Meanwhile, Betty is getting out of a limo at Meade Publications. What? Is this Crazy Upside-Down Land? No, this is how they're reminding us that Betty has a super-rich boyfriend named Matt. Well, that and the Previouslies.
Matt tells Betty that while he's not really a limo guy, he's prepared to give her anything she wants, suggesting that Limo Tuesday be followed up with Hot Air Balloon Wednesday and Submarine Thursday. Those sound like fun, but I'm not sure they're practical ways to get to work. I don't think Meade Publications has an underwater entrance. Betty claims to have a Grand Unified Theory of Happiness: "With us so good, how can work be bad?" Looks like Betty's never heard of the Theory of Ironic Foreshadowing, also known as the "At least it's not raining!" corollary.
Inside the Mode offices, Betty steps out of the elevator and is almost run over by a giant television. Workmen are removing the office furnishings! There goes that one orange thing I liked! Betty rescues a bunny and confronts Amanda, who is telling people to please hold. Marc swoops in and he and Amanda deliver the exposition. Marc: "The Sex Issue was a limp noodle! And now they're cutting the budget to the bone!" Amanda explains that "everything leased or nonessential has to go," which means that they were leasing the ugly orange furniture. There's a place that makes that stuff? And they actually want it back?
Suddenly! A man in a suit arrives and says he's looking for Betty Suarez. Marc offers to help load her onto the truck, but he's delivering a gold suitcase and needs Betty to sign for it. She signs several times, initials once, and gives her thumbprint, which is weird because she's doing it all on one of those portable electronic things the UPS people have been using. The man declares that "The Calvin Hartley Foundation requires positive identification of all recipients," which gets Daniel's attention. Daniel repeats "Hartley Charitable Foundation" a few times and finally explains that every year, Cal Hartley hosts a charitable Easter Egg Hunt at the Natural History Museum. It's very exclusive and Daniel's always wanted to go, but the invitation (which is in the form of a bejeweled egg) is to Betty. Because Cal is Matt's father. Daniel: "Of course, Matt Hartley. I don't know why I never put that together." So that explains why no one ever realized that Matt is one of the super-rich elite, I guess. As he fails to hide his disappointment, Daniel refers to the invitation as "the eggvite", which I'm not sure I approve of. Betty apologizes to Daniel, who's mumbling about the party having billionaires and princesses and popes.
Just then! Betty gets a phone call from Justin, who is super-excited to be receiving his own invitation to the party. In the background, Ignacio is kicking up a huge fuss about the inane security procedures. Finally, Justin snaps "You are not gonna mess this up for me!" and makes Ignacio give his thumbprint. Then he does a very amusing mime of giving a thumbprint to demonstrate how it's done. This whole time, Daniel is looking longingly into the egg. Daniel is even more crushed to learn that Betty's family got an eggvitation. His word, not mine.
Wilhelmina is cooing over her baby, and it's all very charming until we learn that it's just a photo shoot. As soon as the pictures are taken, Wili has Christina come take the baby away, complaining that her back is killing her. Christina acidly says "Oh, you poor thing. You've been holding him for what, a whole five minutes. Try doing it for nine months." Wili is unswayed. Miles the photographer thinks that young William (the baby) looks more like Christina than Wili. Wili points out that the father was white, assuring Miles that he'll "brown up eventually." Miles insists that it's a matter of facial features and offers to Photoshop in the Slater Chin.
Now we see an obnoxious advertisement for Cal Hartley, who has apparently invented an artificial hip, won the Indy 500 three times, and been in space. Yeah, but unless he's in a rock band, he's still not as cool as Buckaroo Banzai. The Suarez family and Matt are watching all this on Betty's laptop, and both Justin and Hilda would like to be adopted. Ignacio suggests that they won't fit in at the party, but Justin would still like this not to be ruined for him. Hilda says that she's heard there's a real "faberj" egg, and will have none of Justin's "Fabergé" pronunciation. Betty's scared of meeting Cal because she didn't get on well with Matt's mother. For some reason, Matt's response is to inform her that it's a huge deal to meet Cal, who turns down invitations to the White House. I'm pretty sure I read in Emily Post that there's never a good reason to turn down the White House. His point is that to Matt, Cal isn't the super-rich mogul but "Dad".
The day, Betty is telling Daniel about Cal. For example, he's been in outer space. More relevantly to the plot, "Hartley made his reputation riding to the rescue of struggling companies." In case that wasn't obvious enough, Betty goes on to point out that they're a struggling company. And apparently Cal Hartley thinks media properties like newspapers and magazines are undervalued. Convenient! Although I don't fully understand how their plan to have Cal invest in the company is going to work with the ongoing delicate balance of ownership they've got going on. Anyway, Betty guarantees she can set up a meeting between Daniel and Cal.
By the way, I'd just like to remind you that Meade Publications isn't in financial trouble because of anything having to do with the economy or its management. They just had all their assets stolen by their CFO and then put out a low-selling issue. They don't really have any long-term problems that we've been told about.
Cut to Matt and Betty out on the sidewalk. Matt is telling Betty in no uncertain terms that he absolutely cannot and will not set up a meeting with his father. As they get into the cab, Daniel is also on the sidewalk and gives Betty an excited double-thumbs-up. Come to think of it, you rarely see a double-thumbs-up that's not excited. I guess the last time it was done laconically was by the Fonz. Betty looks sad.
In the Suarez house, Betty is bemoaning her fate. What can she do? Justin is more concerned about Matt, who must be under incredible pressure, judging from the reruns of Dynasty he's been watching. Hilda opines that the rich boyfriend should be kept happy even at the cost of the job. Justin has some point that's just an excuse to talk about Linda Evans playing two lookalike characters. Ignacio is fairly realistic and recommends that Betty just tell Daniel it didn't work out. Betty agrees that she'll tell Daniel the truth, which means that she will certainly not do it.
Pictures of Wilhelmina's baby. Wili attempts to draw Marc's attention to the supposed Slater Chin on the baby, although Marc points out that Wili hasn't had a Slater Chin since 1981. And he doesn't buy her claim that babies have cheekbones. Incidentally, Wili's got some crazy earrings in this scene. It's like a giant jewel hanging from a carabiner hanging from another giant jewel. Call me old-fashioned, but I think that when your earrings hang past your shoulders, something's gone wrong. Wili suggests that the baby must take after Bradford, but the only similarity Marc sees is "the fishbelly complexion." Finally Wili admits that she's a little freaked that Miles thought the baby looked like Christina. Marc enthusiastically agrees and then frantically backs up. Anyway, it's clearly medically impossible, right?
"Actually, it is medically possible," explains a doctor whom Wili has yanked out of surgery to come to her office. So if the surrogate (Christina) had sex right before the procedure, she could have become pregnant the old-fashioned way. This plot twist is suspiciously similar to the one in Baby Mama. Anyway, Marc has a new assignment: find out if Christina had sex right before the surgery. And do it discreetly!
Betty walks into the meeting room and discovers that Daniel has put together a big, ridiculous proposal for his meeting with Cal Hartley. Betty tries to stop him, but people in television shows never listen when they hear "Listen, before you start, there's something important I have to tell you." Because that's not what the plot says is supposed to happen . So Daniel shows Betty his video proposal, which looks just like Cal Hartley's bio that Betty was watching earlier. It's even got the same voiceover guy, who I guess they hired in the middle of the night. Of interest to me is the Meade Publications Timeline. The timeline says that in 1874, Phineas Meade was born, and in 1893, the fashion magazine Mode was first published. I hope we get a flashback episode to the days of Phineas! Anyway, Meade Publications was incorporated in 1923, then in 1971, Bradford Meade took over, and 1999 is labeled "New Meade Headquarters". Really, those are all of your significant moments?
The proposal also contains the other magazines that Meade Publications makes. They are: The Cup (golf), Hudson (a lot like GQ, with "121 pages of cool clothes"), World Class Travel ("Island Getaways"), Player (the guy magazine that Daniel was on at one point), City Word (no idea), Psychology Now, and Adventure Time! ("The Insane Jumps Issue"). No Hot Flash? Anyway, Betty can't get a word in edgewise while Daniel babbles happily about how excited he is. Finally she chickens out of telling Daniel the meeting won't happen and slinks away.
Down in The Closet, Christina is telling Betty she's probably going to regret not telling Daniel, sorting shoes, and taking care of baby William. That's a lot to do all at the same time. And it turns out that when you combine a Scottish accent with the "talking to a baby" coo, I can't really understand what you say. I'm pretty sure she mentioned Stuart in there and said that the treatment is helping. Betty says that as long as she can keep Matt and Daniel from seeing each other, she'll have time to think of something. And you wouldn't think that would be hard, since I don't think they've ever had a scene together, but just then! Betty's phone rings, and it's Matt, who wants to take Betty out to lunch to make up for saying Daniel can't meet his father. Oh, and he's wandering through the Mode offices to her desk.
Hijincks ensue. Betty tells Matt to wander aimlessly through the hallways and rushes over to Daniel to send him to the elevators. She shrieks "hot!" and "cold!" into her phone as the music gets strenuously excited, and it's all pretty pointless if you ask me. At one point, there's a Bionic Woman sound effect as Betty brings Daniel his briefcase. So if you like that sort of thing, there you go. With Daniel safely tucked into the elevator, Betty's free to hug Daniel. But! Daniel comes back out of the elevator to tell Betty something and he sees Matt. Naturally, Daniel starts thanking Matt for setting up the meeting, ignoring Betty's attempt to interrupt him. Matt straightforwardly tells Daniel that he didn't set up any meeting. Both Matt and Daniel ask what the deal is, and she tells them she can explain everything, as long as she's allowed to talk to them separately. They actually go along with that. First up: Matt!
Betty tells Matt that she couldn't break Daniel's little heart. Matt, quite rationally, points out that Daniel was going to find out eventually. Hey, this is no time for that kind of logic. This is the Drama Zone. Betty reminds Matt about all that talk about Submarine Thursdays and how he'd do anything for her, but he emphasizes that he doesn't want to combine his life with the whole big-money world of his father. She accepts his word.
up, Daniel. Daniel is petulant. Betty tells him that she was hoping that she could convince Matt to change his mind, and Daniel reluctantly accepts this, mentioning in passing that he knows how family can be complicated. And there are always other options, right?
There are no other options, says Wili sternly. So their only hope for keeping the company afloat was to essentially sell a big chunk of it to an outside investor? Or are we talking about a loan of some sort? This isn't the entrepreneurial spirit that I'm assuming Phineas Meade had! Wili goes on about how Mode was read during both World Wars and was burned for heat during the Great Depression and how she has a baby now (she already had a daughter, but she's probably forgotten about her) and will do what it takes to keep things going. So Wili hands over an orange three-ring binder, which turns out to contain Candidates for Termination. It appears to contain pretty much everyone in the company, including Betty, Marc, Amanda, a Photography Director... say, it also contains salary bands (Betty and Marc are both Salary A4, while the Photography Director is B3) and dates of hire! Betty's been here since 28 September 2006 (which was, of course, the date of the first episode), and Marc's been here since... 1 July 2005? Less than a year longer than Betty? Where does he get off with his condescending ways in the first episode? Didn't you think he'd been at the company a lot longer than that?
Sorry. Got distracted. Daniel takes the binder and says that he'll take care of it.
In the cafeteria, Marc swoops down on Christina and claims to have a Sex IQ Quiz. Amanda promptly materializes, claiming that "my Sex IQ is crazy high. I'm like the Einstein of sex." As Marc hints around about when Christina might have had sex last, like maybe in June sometime, Amanda says "June 14th at 3:02 pm. I was in the ladies' room at the U.N. Janosch, he's the delegate from Hungary. And he was. I have a pornographic memory." Marc and Christina try to pretend that didn't happen and then Christina refuses to answer any more nosey questions.
Back to the Closet. Christina has put two and two together and tells Stuart the idea for the subplot. And he has something to add, because it turns out that a couple of days before the procedure, Christina was enthusiastically drunk and they had sex. So maybe this is their son, not Wilhelmina's. Whatever will they do? Oh, like they don't know how to set up a DNA test? This show lives on DNA tests! Actually, Christina's going to go talk to Wili.
The morning, Betty arrives in the Mode offices, and Marc and Amanda are in a tizzy. That's what I've decided that round thing Amanda works in is called: The Tizzy. Amanda is wearing a weird outfit with epaulets and an extremely fancy belt. Really, Betty's outfit isn't that much sillier, except for the giant butterfly belt buckle. Oh, and somebody's handing out pink slips. He approaches the three of them, and hands out an envelope for Amanda.
Amanda: "I'm fired?" Nooooooo! Well, at least she'll always have that Einstein-of-sex thing to fall back on. After the commercials, Amanda is still in disbelief that she could be considered as expendable as all those interns and editors. Who will welcome people and tell them where to sign in? (a sign saying "Welcome to Mode. Please sign in." is placed on the desk behind her) But what about Amanda's pretty face? (a single flower is put to the sign). Marc tries to comfort Amanda, but she is inconsolable.
Daniel's office. Betty is freaking out at Daniel. He assures her that her job is safe, because she's too valuable. But that doesn't calm her down. Marc tells her that he likes Amanda. Yeah, I remember the pilot episode too. Daniel tells Betty that five magazines were shut down today, which was hundreds of employees. She will have none of this! She's going to get Daniel that meeting with Cal, no matter what Matt says! And it has to be right now, because "he's leaving for a trans-Siberian motorcycle race right after the party!" Oh, that's not a good idea. I watched Ewan McGregor and Charley Boormann drag their motorcycles across Russia, and it didn't look like all that much fun. It turns out there aren't roads out there. But have fun on the race! Anyway, Betty just says she hopes Matt understands her going behind his back like this. She grabs her invitation from the egg and off they go!
The Natural History Museum is festooned with flowers and balloons and dinosaur skeletons. Children are looking for eggs. So is Hilda, who is still saying "faberj". Betty finds Matt, and as she's saying "Matt, I have something to tell you", he cuts her off and tells her she looks very pretty. Why does no one on this show ever listen to someone who has something important to tell them? Matt brings Betty and her family to meet his father, who tells everyone to call him Cal. He says that Matt's mother hated Betty, which means that Betty is okay in his book. And then he goes off to mingle with his other guests. He seemed nice enough... at first!
Betty gets a call and runs off to the backstage area, which is full of cookies and cupcakes. So that's what goes on behind the scenes at the Natural History Museum! Daniel is eating a cookie, which seems perfectly logical to me, but Betty is angry because he's supposed to be impersonating a waiter. Darn it, Daniel, get on board with the stupid plan. This is not cookie time! Betty brings Daniel into the party.
Oh, right. The Wilhelmina plot. Okay: Wili is angry at Christina. Christina is defensive. The words "turkey baster" are thrown around. Sad tinkly music appears on the soundtrack, and they agree to get a blood test. Well, obviously.
Betty and Daniel are ducking through the party about to ambush Cal when they themselves are ambushed by security. Daniel bluffs, then tries to duck around one, then is caught in a hammerlock. Matt sees them and looks sad and disappointed. Betty tells him that her friends are being laid off, but he seems kind of hung up on her lying to him. He asks her if this is what she wants, and she tells him that it is. He reluctantly intervenes, saving Daniel from the security guys and introducing him to Cal.
Cal tells Daniel that he doesn't recall seeing his name on the guest list. Daniel fumphers for a bit until Cal says he was just messing with him. Daniel and Cal go off to get a drink. When Betty thanks Matt, he just nods sadly and walks away. On a catwalk, Daniel is talking to Cal about media stocks and rebounding. Cal tells him to call him "Cal", not "Mr. Hartley" and muses about the look of happiness and joy on a child's face. Daniel tries to redirect the conversation to a short-term infusion of cash, so Cal has to hint extremely heavily about how he needs someone to put on the big, pink Floppy the Bunny outfit and hop around. That would sure put him in the mood to talk business! Daniel finally gets it.
Down in the party, Hilda has found the Fabergé egg, but of course she does not get to keep it. It will be auctioned off and the proceeds donated to a hospital in her name. So that's the end of that.
Betty finds Matt and asks if he hates her because she hates herself. He does not, because he understands why she did it, although she should not have gone behind his back. He warns her that you don't want to be in business with Cal, because he tries to control everything. "Betty, you don't know where this could lead." On cue, Floppy appears, bounding around happily and distributing eggs. Ladies and gentlemen, Eric Mabius. From The Crow to Floppy the Bunny. Say what you like, the guy's got range. Matt compares his father to Satan, and then Daniel falls in a big Easter cake while children laugh at him.
The thing we see is Daniel, sitting alone on a bench in his bunny suit with a couple of dinosaur skeletons for company. I just got a great idea for a beloved children's story! He looks sad, and Betty sits to him and apologizes. But everything's okay, because they got the money. The company is saved! For the moment! Everyone's happy, except that Cal's delaying his trip to Siberia. It may or may not be foreshadowing that Daniel tells us that Cal is looking forward to being in the publishing business. See, that's what makes it sound like he's buying part of the company, not just floating them a loan. Anyway, Daniel figures that the bunny suit humiliation was just so Cal could show what a big man he is. "You know, I've made a fool of myself enough times for no reason. I can do it once to save our company." Betty is proud of him.
Wili presents Christina with the lab results, which Christina reads: "It's yours. The baby's yours!" Ah, I see we're continuing the tradition of not referring to young William by his name. Wili tells Christina she'll be getting a new nanny, and Christina is devastated that she doesn't get to hang out with the baby anymore.
End-of-show musical montage! Betty enters the Mode offices. People are replacing the pointless expensive stuff they were taking away earlier. Amanda is back at reception and toasts Betty with her eyes. And with some champagne. All the orange is coming back. Christina looks sadly at Wili's new nanny. There's a bouquet of carrots for Daniel with a note that says "Looking forward to keeping you hopping, Bunny. -- C.H." It looks like Betty has to go through all the same thumbprint rigmarole to sign for it. Daniel cheerfully eats a carrot.
In addition to his blog Monty on Movie Novelizations (latest review: the novelization of the two-hour movie that launched the original series in 1978!), Monty contributes to The Incomparable. You can email him at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.
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