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Well! This episode was kind of a downer, frankly.
It's getting pretty late in the season and everyone's pretty much happy with things. So it's clearly time to start throwing crazy plot twists into the mix. On a budget-related task for YETI, Betty finds out that Connor has been stealing from Meade Publications. This is such a big secret that it takes about ten minutes for the entire cast to learn about it. Connor claims that he did it because he hates Daniel and not because, say, it's always nice to have a few million dollars sitting around.
Connor asks Wili to fly away with him and the complete contents of the Meade bank accounts, but she ends up choosing her career. Connor leaves anyway, and presumably escapes to Tibet or something. So the Meades are broke and Wili is without her man. Also, Molly has cancer and dumps Daniel to go stay with her family.
The only note of optimism is at the end of the episode, when Betty stops messing around with Matt (there's kind of a Facebook thing going on with her feelings for Henry, but I wouldn't worry about it for now) and goes out and tries to be happy with him.
Oh, and Justin calls Tina Brown's Diana Chronicles "DiChron". I could have done without that, frankly.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Betty smiles directly into the camera to start the episode. Well, hello, Betty! You look pretty happy. Let's see if you can keep that smile through the whole episode, shall we? The reason she is smiling is because she's setting up a Facebook page. Oh, the hijinx that will ensue. I hope we get to see Betty comically unable to manage her thousands of Mafia Wars requests! She's doing it because it's a YETI assignment, which is how we start plots these days. YETI is clearly under the control of the Plot Contrivance people.
Justin comes in and enthuses about Betty having a Facebook page, and then enthuses even more about the YETI speaker, Tina Brown. And that brings up a new feature I've decided to add, called...
MONTYKINS EXPLAINS THE NAMEDROPPING: Tina Brown was the editor of Vanity Fair and then The New Yorker in the eighties and nineties, which means that she's an iconic magazine figure in New York. She also wrote a book called The Diana Chronicles, which Justin wants Betty to get signed for him. When Hilda suggests selling the autographed book, Justin looks appalled and says "Don't even joke about my DiChron." Hilda claims that her customers think the place is looking a little run down, but Justin puts that down to the shuffling, be-robed presence that is Ignacio. On cue, Ignacio grumbles his way into the dining room, complaining that Elena has been gone for a couple of days. Oh, excuse me. Three days. What a baby.
Betty gets a call from Daniel, who says he's sick. In bed. At a fancy hotel. With cookies!
Wilhelmina awakens peacefully and happily, then gasps in horror: "Oh my god, the baby!" The baby is, in fact, missing from the crib. But Connor is holding him in the living room. Connor calls the baby "William," which I think is the only time he will be referred to by name. Wili comments on her newly-acquired maternal instinct (I mean, newly-acquired except for the daughter she already has, I guess), saying "I suddenly have the urge to strangle someone to protect him." Of course, she often has the urge to strangle someone. But now it's maternal! Connor suggests that Wili go back to bed so he can bring her breakfast. She sighs happily. Connor suggests running away "somewhere distant and exotic where no one can find us." Wili would be up for it if she wasn't required at work.
Betty arrives at Mode, and Amanda holds up a hand mirror. Why? "I need to know that you know what you're wearing." Ha! Then Marc comes up and starts nattering at Betty about how they have to go to the YETI meeting right away, because Tina Brown! OMG! As Marc and Betty leave, Amanda can be seen in the background, staring with fascination into the mirror. She commits totally to it and does it much longer than necessary, which means that it is hilarious. Marc hurries Betty to the elevator, calling her "Slowpoke-ahontas" and insisting that he needs to be on the sidewalk hearing her gasp for breath behind him. They pass Molly, who has already forgotten her cover story about the bad plumbing. Remember? Last week? Anyway, no time to chat. Marc tells Molly that Daniel is at the Amsterdam (under the name "Mr. Sickington," which is just adorable), and he pulls Betty into the elevator, saying "I am not missing Tina Brown."
Bernadette Peters (whose character is named Jodie, but c'mon now) at YETI: "I'm afraid you're all going to miss Tina Brown. She had to cancel. I'll be honest. Last night, there was some drinking. Some things were said. Somebody's husband may or may not have grabbed somebody's boob." And so that's why Tina will not be here to talk about how the economics in the magazine industry are changing. Oh, I'll tell you how the economics of the magazine industry have changed. For a start, the magazine industry is juuuust about dead. That's a change, right? Anyway, instead of Tina, the YETIans will have a portly bald fellow, who was head of accounting at Hearst until 1985. That was a long time ago. This guy hasn't had a job in 25 years?
When he's finished talking about budgets, Jodie claims that he makes amortization sexy. Huh. Anyway, everyone's homework is to get their magazines' budgets and learn them for a presentation. Now get out! Marc rushes over to Betty and starts complimenting her in an attempt to get out of doing the work. Betty suggests that they look at this as an opportunity to work together, which Marc reluctantly goes along with. Then he gets extremely dramatic and points a pen in her face, saying "But you better carry your own weight, Suarez." Betty waits for the fat joke, but it appears that Marc didn't realize how well he set one up. Betty is delighted at the progress they've made, but Marc promises to make one time. That was a fun scene.
Matt rolls up (I'm trying to stop using "swoops" so often) and tells Betty that he heard her say she wasn't good with numbers, and offers his services as a random guy with an MBA. And half a law degree and also he was nearly a large animal vet. So does Betty want to go out and get a drink and talk budgets? No, Betty is oblivious. On the way back to Mode, Marc calls her a saucy minx and has some elaborate show-dog sex analogy before encouraging Betty to "Give him a shot at love, Tila Tequila!" When Marc finally runs out of metaphors, he asks if Betty will feel awkward about going to the Accounting department, because that's where Henry worked. Betty protests that she's totally over him.
At Accounting, Henry's nameplate is still up on his cubicle and Jenny the Accounting Lady says that Henry's on Facebook and seems happy with his new girlfriend in Peru. And it's not Charlie; it' someone named Samantha. Henry's a dog! I should mention that Marc continues to poke at Betty this whole time in a most amusing manner. Okay! Now Betty's back home in Queens working on the budget and complaining to Justin that she can't believe that Henry's already moved on. Justin points out that Betty had a crush on "your emo neighbor guy," but Betty claims that "my crush was a crush. It wasn't a trip to Peru." Yeah, but that's just because the guy was really, really annoying. If he were less of jerk, you totally would have gone to Peru with him.
Justin decides to take the scene in a much weirder, and therefore awesome, direction. "You know what I do when I can't get my mind off something or someone? I channel it into a project. Hello? You think I really care about macramé? Okay, bad example, 'cause I love macramé." Justin's great.
Budget montage!
The morning, Betty is at Daniel's hotel room and is amped up on coffee and an energy drink called Viper Strike ("The drink that bites back. Rahhhh!"). Daniel's shopping for jewelry online. For Molly, I mean. Anyway, Betty thinks there are millions of dollars missing from the quarterly budgets. But Daniel claims that his doctor told him to avoid stress, so Betty should go to Wilhelmina. Or Connor, who is the CFO. Wait, Connor's the CFO? Huh. I feel bad for not knowing that. It would certainly explain all those budget meetings he kept going to.
Betty shows Connor and Wili her numbers, but Connor condescends her out of the room. Wili confirms with Connor that this isn't anything to worry about, but the shot is Connor on his cellphone calling someone about money transfers from Meade Publications. "It looks like I'll have to make my transfer ahead of schedule." Bum bum bummmm! But seriously, isn't the CFO allowed to talk about the company's finances without automatically having to be evil? Although he did pronounce it "shedule," which is fairly evil all by itself.
Marc, Amanda, and Betty are having lunch together, which is nice to see. Marc tells a story, the important part of which is "Daniel Craig does not just stalk himself!" Amanda has apparently slept with this albino dude, and we learn that after she sleeps with someone, Amanda likes to say "heeeeeeey" real slow-like. As Betty takes her food out of her bag, Amanda's eyes go wide and she steals a sandwich, which she and Marc split. Betty keeps trying to talk about the discrepancy in the budget numbers, but Marc explains to Amanda that he thought it would be funny to tease Betty about Henry having moved on (Amanda: "Henry has a new GF? OMG!"). Amanda recommends that Betty take all of her dirty pictures of Henry and post them all over Facebook. When Betty protests that she doesn't have any pictures like that, Amanda raises one eyebrow, says "Of course you don't," and winks. It's fantastic. Marc thinks Betty should find a new man. Amanda points out that "there is a whole world out there of goofy, awkward, mumbly guys just waiting to love you." Marc suggests Matt, whom he describes as "that skinny thing from class who's trying to have your puppies." He and Amanda are in agreement. They're helping! I mean, they're doing it in kind of a mean way and they might just want to be amused, but they're still helping! I enjoy the current Marc-Amanda-Betty dynamic.
So Betty goes to call Matt and is interrupted by Connor, who has some papers for her to sign. Also, Connor appreciates her moxie. Betty hangs up on Matt twice before successfully asking him out for a drink.
Molly surprises Daniel at the hotel. He doesn't want to be seen, but she has soup so she can stay. Daniel whines a lot about how he thinks he's dying, and Molly never gets out what she came for. It's his own fault for not listening when she says "It's about us." After she leaves, Daniel realizes his laptop is open and she saw that he was looking at an engagement ring site. Could have been worse!
Wili is in her office, assuring Connor that of course she's happy. Connor tries to get her to go away with him. Someplace far away with no worries or cares. Wili's just about up for a long weekend, once the June issue is put to bed. Connor tries to explain, but Marc enters, explaining that Jean-Paul Gaultier is on the phone in a big, gay, French lather. "Anything could set her off!" Wili takes the call and Connor leaves.
Betty and Matt are in a martini bar. Matt agrees that the numbers should add up. They chat a bit, and Betty takes pride in remembering a couple of the things that Matt has said about himself. Matt challenges her to name his favorite movie, but Betty thinks it's a trick question and that he hasn't told her. Finally, she guesses The Godfaher, which he says is right. Then he says he only said that so she'd get excited, and it's really Wall-E, and they make cute robot voices at each other. As you do. Betty gets an email on her phone, and it's a Facebook friend request from Henry. She tells Matt about her old boyfriend going out with a new girl, and Matt acts very, very interested. Jump forward, and there are three empty martini glasses in front of Betty. But only one in front of Matt. Betty complains about it being cold, and Matt massages her hands. Then she freaks out and tries to run away.
But! Matt has forgotten his wallet and needs to borrow some money. So Betty goes out to the ATM, where she discovers that her account has $101,242.13 in her checking account! Normally I'd say that she should invest some of that so it isn't just taking up space in her back account. But with the way things are, I think she should put it in shoeboxes under her bed. Tracy Jordan would recommend that she hide it.
Okay, it's obviously not hers. Back in Queens, Hilda thinks she should keep it. The bank says it came from "Meade," so Betty figures she can fix this when she gets back to work in the morning. Justin says that at least it was a memorable date, which sets Ignacio off, moaning about how long it's been since Elena was there. Oh, and Betty realizes she left Matt alone in the bar waiting for her. Betty, you're a horrible, horrible person. Hilda and Justin have some entertaining lines on the couch, which mostly rely on tone of voice and gesture, so I'm not going to recap them. But they were good!
Betty calls Matt, but goes to voicemail. She says "Henry" a few times, which is not ideal.
Betty arrives at Mode. Amanda tells her that "a cute-ish boy is here to see you. Is he the one you're trying to sleep with to get over the other one?" Amanda looks a little demented here. Matt, who is right there, says, "Um, I'm right here." Amanda says, "I know." And then, after a round of reaction shots, winks again. Another wink! I'm enjoying Amanda's winks and I would like to see them more often. Maybe her winks and I could get a drink someplace while the rest of the episode goes on without the two of us?
Betty apologizes for both her behavior and Amanda's existence. Matt says that it worked out fine, because now he has a tab and he's a regular at a bar. Well, good for you, drunky! Matt tells Betty that she should go out with him (I'm summarizing a little here). Down in accounting, Jenny tells Betty that the person who authorized the money to be transferred into Betty's account is... B. Suarez. Betty has signing authority for a hundred thou? Even Betty doesn't find that plausible, and she should be used to the ridiculous plot contrivances that happen in her life.
Back up at the Mode offices, Marc is carrying some shoes (that's part of his job, you know. Carrying shoes) and asking Betty for details on the date. But not gross details. Actually, he would like to be told that the assignment is done. Betty tells Marc about the hundred grand and that she thinks she's in trouble. Marc blows her off, so she finds Connor entering the elevator.
Now there is a tense, dramatic scene between Connor and Betty in the elevator. Connor pushes the Emergency Stop button so they have plenty of time for accusations and steely-eyed glares. To sum up, Connor has been stealing money from Meade Publications all this time. And now he's got evidence showing that Betty "stole" some money, so if Betty tells anyone, she'll go to jail. And Daniel signed some papers too, so he'll also go to jail. And no one will believe Betty, with her sick father and mounting bills. Or Betty could just keep the money and no one has to know anything about anything! There is no evil laugh, but it seems like there could have been. Connor also threatens to ruin the lives of everyone Betty loves. Then he leaves, while Betty stares in horror. Horror!
Betty paces in the Mode offices and sees Connor hugging Wili. Connor sees her and pulls the curtains closed after winking. Connor tells Wili that he has to tell her something bad ("Very bad? Does someone need a spanking?" she asks), and that he's been stealing from the company. He explains that he'll be taking the money and leaving the country, and that he'd like Wili and the baby to come with him. Wilhelmina is furious. Oh, like Wilhelmina Slater suddenly has scruples? Some sort of moral core is going to surface now? And here comes the Villain's Justification:
"Being nice to the Daniel Meades of the world has served me well. But I've had to hide how I really feel. I hate the selfish son of a bitch. I always have. I thought I could get over it to work here, and then he took from me." Wili asks, "Are you still hung up on that, that kindergarten teacher of yours?" "Wili, I don't love her. I hate Daniel. When I found out about them, I came up with a plan to steal everything from that selfish brat. To ruin him!" Wilhelmina doesn't like the part where Connor is stealing from Meade Publications, the company she owns 50% of. Connor thinks that taking all of the Meade family's money and giving it to Wili is the same thing as giving her the company, which is what she's always wanted. Also, he loves her. "Just you and me and the baby," because nobody can remember the baby's name. (It's William). Anyway, Connor has chartered a private jet and wants Wilhelmina to consider his offer.
Betty goes to Daniel's hotel and the thing we see is Daniel putting on clothes and getting ready to go do ... something. He thinks Connor's bluffing about sending them to jail, and that he's probably just buying time before he takes the money and runs. Daniel has Betty call Claire, because it's time for a Meade Meeting! Except for Alexis, who is still in Paris, I guess!
Marc arrives at Wili's apartment loaded up with things she told him to bring from the office. Wili wants to know if Marc's ever considered giving everything up ("Every time I step on the scale! Whoo-oo!"), and this leads into her telling Marc the whole deal. At this point, the only people who don't know that Connor is stealing are Christina, Amanda, and the baby. And Wili's considering leaving with Connor. Marc feels that even if Wili's in love, Mode is her life. And there're the other people she'd be leaving. Wili's question is, "If you had a chance to have all the money you ever needed and to be with the person you loved for the rest of your life, would you do it?" Isn't that the first line of Eminem's "Lose Yourself"? Marc doesn't know the answer.
Now we're getting somewhere!
Claire, Betty, and Daniel at Mode. Claire says that security hasn't seen Connor for hours. Claire thinks Wilhelmina is involved. And Claire has more bad news: as of noon, all of the Meade accounts have been completely cleared out. There's nothing left. Claire and Daniel go into Daniel's office to wave their arms theatrically, and Betty is left at her desk to look worried. Amanda comes up, learns that something serious is happening, and then declares that if pink is back, she can't handle it. Then she leaves. Oh, but Marc is here! He goes to Wili's office and stares at the empty chair. Betty follows him, and Marc says, "I had no idea she would do something like this. I thought she loved Mode more than anything." Betty demands to know where Wili is, and Marc gives up a card that, according to him, says where Wili will be meeting Connor. Betty takes it and runs out.
Exterior. Airport. Night. A fabulously dressed figure (WILHELMINA SLATER) walks toward a waiting jet. A black car swoops in and two Meades and a Suarez get out. Betty's first question is "Where's the baby?" And it's nice that someone is keeping track of that plot thread. Claire says that Wilhelmina only needed the baby to get her hands on Meade money. Wilhelmina tells them they're ruining everything, and we hear police sirens. The Meades didn't call the police; Wili did. "You don't know me at all."
The police surround the plane as Wili's phone rings. It's Connor, who decided to take an earlier flight. And he's using his cell phone during it, which will get you yelled at when you fly commercial. He hears the sirens and knows that Wili chose her career. He's sorry, and so is Wili. Wili, incidentally, looks great in her reaction shots. The night sky and the fog and her odd hat, combined with Vanessa Williams' general awesomeness, lead to a very poignant scene here. Connor says he still loves her and hangs up. I assume he's going to Nepal or someplace similarly remote that doesn't have an extradition treaty.
Betty brings Wili some coffee out on the tarp, using her magical assistant skills. Wili snarls that she doesn't need Betty's sympathy, but Betty understands that Wili loved him. Wili says that she spent her entire life building her career, and that you can't have it all. Wili thinks Betty is a career girl "just like me." That's a little harsh! The scene fades to the Suarez place, where Elena has brought everyone gifts from the far-off land of Los Angeles. She assures Justin that "everyone is wearing these" as she gives him ... a Kobe Bryant jersey. It's true; last time I was at Disneyland, I saw a family of four all wearing Kobe jerseys. And then the actual Kobe walked past and they lost their damn minds. Justin does not lose his mind, but he tries to act excited: "I am a big fan of... Bryant. He's the best!" Hilda is more sincere: "A track suit! It's perfect! And I am juicy." Ha!
Betty's present turns out to be little strappy sandals, but that is not enough to break through Betty's shield of mopeyness. It turns out that what Betty's really sad about is the idea of having to decide between work and a personal life. Elena doesn't think one should have to choose, which makes sense since she met Ignacio while working for him. Betty pines.
Daniel comes back to his office and sees Molly writing a note for him. She is not thrilled to see him. She's also very ruddy-cheeked for some reason. She has something to tell him, but Daniel wants to talk about buying her rings and about how they have a future together. She tells him directly, "We don't. We don't have a future together." She's dying. Of cancer. She had it before and now it's back. So she's going to stay with her family and is leaving, no matter what Daniel says. Bye, Daniel!
Claire has overheard Molly and Daniel's conversation and comforts Daniel exceedingly awkwardly. Now we're into the end-of-show montage. Wili is lying alone in her bed when she hears William crying. She picks him up and comforts him, looking concerned. Betty is watching Ignacio and Elena not watch a movie on television. Betty finally decides to accept Henry's Facebook friend request, then closes the laptop. Matt is at the martini bar, having a martini. He pats all his pockets in the universal gesture for "Would you believe it, I appear to have forgotten my wallet again!!" when he sees Betty. She provides money for drinks and they appear to talk and smile and be happy.
Montykins never trusted Connor. Well, technically, Monty was never sure exactly who Connor was. That's the same thing, right? You can email Monty at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.
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