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Hey, remember Nurse Elena, Ignacio's new caregiver? It will come as no surprise to anybody that she and Ignacio hook up together, or that Betty and Hilda find out via a misplaced video camera. And then we learn that Betty and Hilda know the word "inappropriate," which I find hard to believe. Anyway, they're just freaked out because they don't want Ignacio to replace their mother. So the concerns about whether it's appropriate for a nurse to be getting it on with her patient are cheerily dismissed as just them being silly girls with mommy issues. I'm starting to think that this show is not the best source for business ethics.
The video camera is in the show because Betty is trying to make a video tribute for Claire Meade, who is celebrating her upcoming sixtieth birthday -- by shoplifting things and complaining about being alone. The tribute doesn't go too well, both because Betty can't operate a camera and because the only thing anyone can think of to say about Claire is that she's a drunken murderer. Although they do focus on the drinking, which is mildly charitable. So the video tribute is a total Maguffin which never happens and the "surprise party" is a private dinner between Daniel and Claire while they watch the only Meade home movie that doesn't end in a drunken collapse.
Meanwhile in the Love Rhombus, Daniel and Molly bump into Wili and Connor while ice skating at 30 Rock (the place, not the show). After Connor and Molly reminisce about all the good times they had travelling to various exotic places, both Daniel and Wili are left insecure about their relationships. So Wili ends up with a parrot that doesn't say anything but "Pretty Molly" and Daniel takes Molly to the world's most judgmental Tibetan restaurant. Wili tells Connor she loves him and we are led to understand that he approves of this.
Also, there was a commercial for All My Children that I think included the climactic scene from Grease 2. That was kind of weird.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!We open up on the sight of someone making fresh pomegranate juice. Pomegranates are sliced, seeds are disposed of, and pulp is blended, all to create a fresh glass of yucky pomegranate juice. It seems like a lot of work to me, especially since (as hinted in the sentence) I happen to think that pomegranate juice is yucky. Also, pomegranates are responsible for winter, if I remember my Greek mythology correctly. Betty is astonished that Ignacio will be drinking pomegranate juice, as am I. Betty can't drink it, and I don't think that's the only thing in this episode that will be hard to swallow. Hey now!
Elena charms Hilda, Justin, and Betty with her stories of horrifying Beverly Hills residents who have had plastic surgery. It's a good thing there's no one like that in New York!
Ignacio rolls in and claims to be excited about going for a morning walk. Betty and Hilda are astonished and make sure to pour out their gross pomegranate juice as soon as Elena and Ignacio are out of sight. They start to talk about how great Elena is, but Betty has a call from Claire Meade, who wants her to bring some cash to a drug store. She's been detained for shoplifting a tube of lipstick. My suggestion is that if you're going to shoplift, you should wear something less obtrusive, instead of this all-the-primary-colors-at-once number. Betty tries to defend Claire but eventually just coughs up twenty four bucks to get them out of the security guard's office.
Mode offices! Daniel is shocked and appalled! Betty thinks Claire is acting out for some reason, which makes Daniel realize that Claire's sixtieth birthday is week. Daniel needs an assistant to keep track of this sort of thing. I bet Marc goes around to the entire building to make sure Wilhelmina's birthday is observed with the appropriate amount of pomp, circumstance, and not asking how old she is. Betty suggests a surprise party, which Daniel thinks is a great idea. Betty also wants to make a tribute video, which he's not too into. We see some of the Meade home movies (which have been digitized at some point) featuring Young Daniel and Young Alex, but the focus is on Drunk Claire knocking over the Christmas tree. We don't get to see "the Fourth of July barbecue-in-the-pool spectacular", which makes me feel cheated. I like spectacles as much as the guy. And Betty is not dissuaded. She proposes that she be lent a video camera so she can get Claire's friends to say nice things that can then be edited into a warm, friendly video.
Enter Claire! She is wearing some kind of tartan deal that looks a lot like something Betty would wear, except for the fox stole apparently superglued to the shoulders. It looks hard to wrap around you like that. Claire tries to schedule a dinner with Daniel, but he's got to go do something with Molly. Exit Claire, disappointed!
At the Suarez residence, Betty doesn't know how to operate the camera no matter how many times Justin tells her how to push the red button. Hilda wafts into view in a sparkly silver dress and proceeds to overact shamelessly, asking what the camera is doing here in their lovely home. Hilda: "I want my grandchildren to see how hot I was." Justin: "Disturbing." See, you're expecting me to make some kind of crack about how Justin doesn't want kids, but I think that's beneath me. Too easy, you know? I like to save myself for inexplicable rants about pomegranate juice.
Betty sets down the camera, which appears to still be running. I hope something embarrassing doesn't happen in the 51 minutes! Why, then it would show up on the tape! Gosh!
So, while we wait for whatever I Love Lucy-style development will involve the camera, we cut to Daniel and Molly on a date, ice skating on that rink at Rockefeller Center. Because that's the only thing couples in New York ever do, judging by movies and television. ["It is also the only thing they ever do judging by the annoying squeals outside of our office windows all day long" -- Angel] Daniel is shaky and unsure what he's doing. Suddenly, he bumps into someone, who is, of course, Wilhelmina Slater. Connor roars up with one of those showy stops that people who ice skate do. There is a moment of awkwardness with Connor and Molly, which Connor insists on dragging out. In the shot, Wili is clearly bored while Connor and Molly blather on about their trips to Bhutan and how they never got to Tibet, where the food is incredible. Finally, the couples separate.
The morning, Betty wants to interview Daniel for the video tribute. Daniel's more interested in booking a direct flight to Tibet so he can impress Molly, but Betty talks him out of it by citing political unrest and visa issues. Daniel's not that hard to distract. She could just have jingled her keys in front of him. Betty pokes ineffectually at the camera, which is not working for some reason. Daniel helps out by also poking at it, and he successfully determines that the camera recorded the front hall for fifty minutes. And you'll find this hard to believe, but it recorded something! We see Ignacio greet Nurse Elena with a warm hug. And a firm squeeze on the butt.
Clearly, this is a crisis that requires us to go back to the Suarez house. Hilda is unconvinced that it means anything, but Betty insists, "Hilda, he is in there." Betty, please don't use that phrase ever again. Thank you in advance, XOXOXO, Love, Montykins. Hilda and Betty are concerned that Elena will leave because she's being harassed by Ignacio. Hilda will talk to Elena and Betty will talk to Ignacio. Okay, break!
Betty and Ignacio are walking down the road in Manhattan, which must be a nice change. Incidentally, Betty's purse looks like a crochet version of a Swiss chalet. It's adorable! Not so adorable is the way Betty dances around the subject without ever getting to the point. Hilda is much more direct with Elena: "Did my father grab a handful of your ass last night?" Elena tells Hilda she's not going to quit, but Betty can't get any closer to the subject than babbling about professional courtesy.
Wili's office! She complains that Connor and Molly have been all around the world, but she's never even been inside his apartment. But that's because it's in Murray Hill, which I shall assume is a hilarious reference if you live in Manhattan. Wili is not going to go camping for Connor or anybody, but Marc thinks she should open herself up to him a bit.
After lunch, Betty and Ignacio stroll into the Mode offices. Ignacio goes off to the bathroom and Claire swoops in to talk to Betty. Apparently, Liz Smith (who is namedropped fairly clumsily here) told Claire that Betty's been asking questions about her. Betty fails to come up with a convincing cover story and finally comes up with "it's an assignment for Yeti". Then Betty tells Claire about the deal with Ignacio and Elena. Claire figures Ignacio is just a horny old goat and drags him off to have coffee. I hope she doesn't have her wicked alcoholic shoplifting way with him!
Connor storms into Wili's office. He's not angry or anything,; he's just the kind of guy who storms everywhere. He's going to London the day, and Marc prompts Wili to tell him she'll miss him and wants to share feelings and whatnot. She asks if there's anything she can do while he's away, which prompts a very strange scene transition in which Wili appears to grow giant wings. These resolve into, I believe, an African Grey Parrot. The parrot's name is Olivia Newton-Bird, because Connor was a huge fan of Grease back when it first came out. Hey, me too! Unfortunately, as soon as Connor leaves, the bird immediately starts shouting "Pretty Molly! Pretty Molly!" I thought we were done with that.
Back at the Suarez residence (you will note that I am valiantly resisting the urge to call it the "Suarezidence," even though that would save me four valuable keystrokes), Betty and Hilda decide that everything's fine. Elena says she won't quit, and Betty says that Claire says that Ignacio is fine. Hilda talks a bit about Claire's boozing, pill-popping, murdering past, which Justin seems to find charming in a person. Ignacio starts to say something, and Betty runs off to do some interviews for that video tribute she's supposed to be doing.
Hey! It really is Liz Smith! And some other women I don't recognize! They will be playing the part of "Claire's friends" in this episode. They all agree that Claire's best quality is that she's a fun drunk, at least at first. And after the eleventh. "She's a stumbling delight!" enthuses one of them. The only other story involves a woman who looked just like Claire eating out of a garbage can. Well, that was fun.
Betty walks back into the Mode offices, greeted cheerfully by Amanda. Betty complains that Claire doesn't appear to have any real friends, and Amanda offers to go on camera for a birthday greeting. Unfortunately, that greeting goes "Happy birthday, Mrs. Meade. You killed my mother!" That's probably not what Betty was looking for.
Wili's office still has a Molly-praising parrot, which is getting on Wilhelmina's nerves. When Marc suggests that she could have just watered Connor's plants (...if you know what I mean), she snaps, "I guess people in love do stupid things!" Marc is enraptured by the idea of Wili being in love, but she does not plan to tell Connor that any time soon. Because, you see, to tell someone you love them before that person has told you would mean giving up power. She has an analogy involving putting Bill Clinton on hold. Wili: "Until he makes the first move, no one outside this office will ever hear me say I love Connor." Parrot: "I love Connor!" And it keeps saying it. Will the bird give the secret away? Well, are we sure it didn't know how to say that already? Frankly, Connor seems to me like the kind of guy who would immediately teach his parrot to say it loves him.
Meanwhile, somewhere in New York, Daniel has brought Molly to "Himalayan Yak Restaurant", because she was sad that she never got to Tibet. Daniel claims that it's "New York's best-kept secret," but of course Molly has been there before. The waiter is delighted to see her and is appalled that Daniel is not "Mister Connor". Is Mister Connor sick? What's with this guy who's not Mister Connor? On their way to the able, they pass a picture of Molly and Connor. So they weren't just regulars, they were super-regulars.
Meanwhile in Queens, Betty is telling Justin how mean Claire's friends were. The tribute video isn't going well so maybe she'll just have to interview Claire directly, which Justin thinks will result in a less meaningful tribute. Justin suggests home videos, which results in Betty and Hilda reminiscing fondly about their mother. Anyway, it's time for dinner. But where's Ignacio? Hilda: "He's still upstairs with Elena doing his physical therapy." Actually, they're making out on the porch. Well, I guess that's good for your heart. Betty is a stammering, appalled mess. Ignacio says that he and Elena are together, shocking absolutely no one. I mean, I realize that a telenovela doesn't have to be surprising, exactly, but wouldn't it be interesting for a show to have a hot Latina nurse who doesn't immediately take a shine to the nearest male character?
Ignacio explains to the furious Betty and furiouser Hilda that Claire recommended this. Hilda and Betty turn into huge jerks and order Elena out of the house. Isn't it Ignacio's house? That what I thought, and that's what Ignacio thought too, but he gets overruled by his daughters. Elena leaves, and Ignacio tries to talk sense to his daughters. This is made difficult by the fact that he's not even allowed to finish the sentence "There is no way that Elena would ever replace your--" because Betty doesn't want her mother in the same sentence as Elena. Lordy. And Hilda flat out tells him he can't date Elena.
At the Himalayan place, Molly receives a free plate of stuff from the chef. Daniel sourly wonders if it's "Mister Connor's favorite", but apparently Molly likes the weird stuff while Connor sticks with the noodles. Eager to prove that he's cooler than Connor, Daniel snipes a forkful off of Molly's plate, only to discover that it's blood pudding. "Sure can taste the, uh, blood," mumbles Daniel. I went to a Tibetan place once. I had the noodles.
When the waiter comes by, Molly claims to still be deciding and makes Daniel go first. That's not fair; she should be recommending stuff. Daniel stabs randomly at the menu and finds out that he's ordered boiled yak tongue. His try is "Mister Connor's special," and Molly decides that they need to take some more time to order. Daniel pouts a bit and discovers that he's drinking fermented yak butter tea. That's enough to make him spring up and rush for the bathroom. You know, fermented yak butter is called "ghee". I guess you could say that something shocked the living ghee out of him.
Claire is shopping while Betty is interviewing her. Well, trying to interview her. Claire is openly skeptical about Betty's cover story. Betty gives up on the video tribute (which is something I did almost as soon as it was mentioned!) and instead grills Claire about whether she said it was okay to sleep with his nurse. Claire waves away all of Betty's objections and grabs some underwear off a table before heading out the door. When Betty (who's really working the shocked and appalled look this episode) asks if she's stealing something, Claire just mumbles, "Maybe. So what?" As they walk out the door, Betty grabs the underwear out of Claire's hand. So Claire walks into the street and Betty's standing there in the doorway just as the store alarm goes off. A security guard drags Betty off.
After the commercials, the security guard is commenting on Betty's choice of skimpy underwear. She's protesting her innocence when Claire comes back and makes a full confession. Some guy (who I take to be the store owner) says he'll just call the cops. Claire and Betty are left alone and the sad piano starts up as Claire says that now she's old, she feels ignored and invisible. She wishes she could have some time alone with Daniel and ties that together with Betty's inability to let her father have someone. Then the probably-store-owner comes back and lets Betty go. But Claire has to go with him. Somewhere. They could have just left instead of having that Sad Piano talk. There's an elevator right there.
Daniel is recuperating on a couch at Mode when Molly comes in with some club soda. Daniel moans about having thrown up on a Buddha statue and Molly reassures him that they'll have their own history and that he should quit obsessing about Connor. Then Daniel gets a call from Betty, which leads to him showing up at the store to greet Claire. Claire apologizes for being a mess, and Daniel apologizes for not being a good son. Claire reveals that she knows there's going to be a party, and that she was kind of hoping to avoid it by being in jail.
Back to Wili and Marc. They're trying to convince the parrot to say "I love Gucci" or something so it won't give away Wili's secret. Finally, she tells Marc to throw the bird out the window. Marc gasps, "That's birder!" (which rhymes with "murder". It makes sense when you hear it) even though Wili reasonably maintains that it could just fly away. Marc tells her that she's just being afraid.
Elena is walking down a street in Queens. She has a basket of groceries, which I am delighted to report has a loaf of French bread sticking out of it. Bags of groceries in movies and television shows always have French bread in them. I can only assume that if you eat French bread, your life will instantly become much more dramatic. Betty is on her front stoop and apologizes. Sad Guitar music starts up as they make amends. Betty says that she's just worried about her father's heart, but Elena maintains that romance is good for the heart. She also makes a reference to she and Ignacio "swinging form the chandeliers," which completely squicks Betty out. Do they even have chandeliers?
Betty brings Elena into the house, over Hilda's disapproving glare. When Hilda and Betty have their showdown, we can see Elena, Ignacio, and Justin in the background apparently having a great time chatting. Justin is thrilled that Elena once gave Keifer Sutherland a B-12 shot.
End-of-episode montage!
Connor arrives at Wili's ridiculous place, and she tells him she loves him. He grabs her and they start making out. Daniel and Claire go to Mode,/I>, where there is no party. Instead, they will be having a little dinner together, alone except for the two guys in tuxes handing them champagne. And anyone who's working late. Daniel and Molly go ice skating again, and the rink seems practically deserted. Does that actually happen? I always assumed it would be insanely crowded. Daniel and Claire watch a home video of Surprisingly Sober Claire reading a story to Young Daniel and Young Alex. The Suarezes plus Elena have dinner, which looks like a good time. Except for Hilda's disapproving glare.
week: Remember Christina?
Look back at the soapiest moments on this show.
Montykins is always impressed when there's a plot that requires ever single character to be a jerk. Monty also has a blog devoted to Movie Novelizations, cleverly entitled Monty on Movie Novelizations. You can email him at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.