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It's been a few episodes since I watched Ugly Betty, so I'm going to read the recaps to get caught up.
...
Hmm. I see.
Okay, so it's gone downhill a bit. That's fine. I can roll with that. I'm no stranger to rottenness. I've seen Boa vs. Python three times. You think you can defeat me, Ugly Betty? Let's get it on.
Well, let's see. Remember how Betty moved back to Queens? It didn't take all the way, because she spends the whole episode in the Manhattan apartment dealing with Jesse the Strummy Neighbor. First she apologizes to him, then they kiss, then he avoids her, then she leaves a million voicemails, then they go on a date, then she breaks up with him. Then she moves back to Queens, making Marc Amanda's new roommate.
Meanwhile, Molly and Danny. And Wili and Connor. And Danny and Connor. Connor sees through Molly and Danny's secret code (hint: it involves the word "jerk") and punches Danny in the face a few times, which apparently makes everything all right forever, at least in Connor's world.
Also, Marc and Amanda make out while pretending to be Jesse and Betty. There's nothing wrong with a little role-playing, but I think they should have tried to be a bit more creative.
Really, that wasn't that bad. It's kind of fun to come in on the end of plotlines like this. I had just enough time to get tired of the Danny-Connor-Molly-Wili Love Rhombus before everything was resolved.
Well this newest love knot certainly needs to get added to the list of the show's soapiest moments. See what has already qualified and then come back Monday for the full weecap.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!The show starts with Betty carrying a big stack of boxes into her home in Queens. Naturally, she promptly falls down and drops everything, including some CGI packing peanuts. It's good to get that out of the way early in the show, I guess. Now we won't be spending all our time biting our fingernails and worrying about when she's going to fall down. It's hard for me to type and bite my fingernails at the same time.
When Betty opens her eyes and we're done with the title screen, her family is looking down at her with worry. There's Hilda and Justin and Ignacio and Dr. Gloria from Oz (or, as some may know her, Detective LaGuerta from Dexter). Except now she's Nurse Elena from Ugly Betty. Nurse Elena will be taking care of Ignacio, which raises some questions about why Betty needed to move back to Queens. Betty apparently can't move out until she gets Amanda a roommate, even though Betty used to pay for that apartment herself. After Betty leaves, Ignacio tells Elena he doesn't need any help, and that the twenty pill bottles and oxygen tanks are just for show. Because Queens is boring, we will be spending as little time as possible here. Back to Manhattan, driver, with all haste!
Daniel is at a coffee stand with Molly in the glamorous city of Manhattan. After he buys a coffee, he throws his seven cents change in the garbage can. His excuse is that he "hates pennies", but my guess is that the barista (are they called baristas in New York?) wouldn't have minded the microscopic tip. But hey, you go ahead and fling actual money into the trash. Molly does object a little bit, but only to the extent of nicknaming him "Rich Jerk", or "R.J." for short. They quickly dispense with the topic in favor of recapping the current situation: Daniel knows that Connor is dating Wilhelmina, but they don't know he knows, and Molly is okay with that. They agree that Daniel should tell Connor they're going out before he sees that picture of them on Page Six.
Speaking of Connor (who is looking at the picture in question), he and Wilhelmina are having a tender scene at Wili's home, but then Connor sneaks out to work on a budget meeting. And people said this season had gotten boring! Come on, people! Budget meetings are awesome! Especially ones that take place offscreen. So Wili's reservation, which was made by Graydon, is wasted.
In the Manhattan apartment, Amanda and Betty interview potential roommates. The first one has a mouth full of chips and moves around a lot, the second one smiles a lot, and none of them get any lines, except for this Megan Mulallyish woman. Amanda likes everyone, but Betty rejects everyone because she's subletting the apartment is worried about having someone who will pay the rent. They're the original odd couple! Betty claims that she'll miss the apartment and the life she thought she was going to have, and then that guy across the hallway starts in with the guitar. Hey, jerk! Don't sit in the hallway playing your strummy tunes. It's rude. I should admit that Betty and Amanda don't see it quite that way. In fact, they're all swoony and Amanda bullies Betty into going over to talk to him. My theory on Amanda is that she loves gossip over almost anything else, even feeling superior to people. So her motivation here is to get Betty involved in something so that she has something to talk about.
Jesse is wearing a flannel shirt, which I mention just because I'm starting to think that between that and the coffee scene, this is a Seattle-themed show. He's in the hallway because he repainted his kitchen after a grease fire. Jesse is sad that Betty's leaving and suggests a farewell drink at her place.
Jesse and Betty are having some wine and reminiscing about That Night on the Roof. He cuts off her stammering apologies (good!) to play a strummy alt-song called "Awkward Night" (bad!). Then he's interrupted (good!) by his cellphone (bad!), which has his own song as a ringtone (wait, what? Who does that?). He sends the call to voicemail, there's more talking, and they kiss. Betty seems surprised and unsure what this means. But she's kind of always like that, so it might not mean anything. Then they kiss again.
After some commercials, Betty is awoken on the couch by a tongue in her face, but it's Amanda's dog. Amanda is fascinated and possibly a little scandalized by the idea of Betty getting drunk and making out with someone and demands details. Sadly, Betty has no details to give. Not because she doesn't remember what happened, but because he left after she said she had to get up early for work. Amanda starts to grill her, pointing out that "You had the kind of date any fourth grader would die for," then decides she needs some help with the interrogation. Cut to:
The Mode offices. Amanda explains, "I couldn't find a male point of view, but I did find Marc." Betty's "Oh!" sounds really enthusiastic, like she's excited that Marc will be involved in this. Marc asks where Jesse kissed her, and has to take a moment to verify that "on my couch" is not a euphemism for anything. Amanda verifies that Jesse did intend to kiss her and wasn't just grazing on some unattended Chin Guacamole. Marc doesn't believe Betty wasn't eating, and Amanda insists on recreating the scene.
Amanda is unable to convince Betty to sit on her lap. It doesn't help that she calls herself "Daddy". So Marc takes Betty's place on Amanda-Jesse's lap. Then Marc and Amanda start making out, ignoring Betty's protests that she wasn't even on Jesse's lap. And they keep on making out while Betty looks uncomfortable. So do I. What the hell, people? Anyway Amanda and Marc are of the opinion that either Jesse likes her or he was drunk. Ta!
Quick! Back to Queens to check out Ignacio. Elena won't let him take a nap and insists on taking him for a walk. Ignacio objects, and Hilda helps insist. The rest of the family comes along. The end. Back to Manhattan!
Daniel tells Betty that a drunken kiss means nothing because men are dogs, but Betty thinks Jesse might be a nice guy. Betty resolves to ask him what's going on. Meanwhile, Daniel has received a shirt from Molly that says "Rich Jerk" on it. That would be a fun shirt to wear around town, but I think Daniel doesn't really need it. People can get the message without being hit over the head with a custom-printed T-shirt. He likes it anyway and wants to send Molly flowers, but not ones that will reinforce the "rich" part. But it seems to me that if he goes too cheap, he'll be underlining the "jerk" angle. The point is that he tells Betty to get some cheapish flowers for Molly. This, believe it or not, is a key plot point, so I hope you're paying attention.
Connor is roaming the halls of Mode. He arranges to go work out with Daniel after work, and then promptly uses that as an excuse not to go out with Wili. Wili tells Marc to "cancel whatever parade you're going to" and sets him on the task of finding out what the deal is with Connor not spending every minute with her.
In the boxing gym (FISTICUFFS, not the one from the first season called GYM), Daniel is holding up those flat leather things while Connor hits them with boxing gloves on. You know the things I mean; television shows frequently use them to have one character (Connor) display physical aggression toward someone else (Daniel). Connor has seen the picture of Molly at St. Bart's, but doesn't know whose hand she's holding. He would be royally pissed off if she was dating someone before they broke up, you know. Daniel suggests drinks, but Connor wants to check something on the way.
Betty and Amanda are outside Jesse's apartment. Amanda is wearing a silly outfit and runs away to eavesdrop. Jesse doesn't answer the door and then Betty's call goes to voicemail even though she can hear it ringing in the apartment. She's shocked! And appalled! She goes back to her own apartment and Amanda doesn't appear to have been eavesdropping at all. Betty moans a bit about how she really thought Jesse blah blah blah. Suddenly! In Betty's Jesse-related fugue, she realizes she forgot to send Daniel's flowers, reminded by Amanda's weird line about tapping phones. It's too late to have them delivered, so she runs off to bring them herself. And the plot rumbles along.
Connor pulls up to Molly's place with Daniel in the car. Connor's plan is to stake the place out and find out who Molly's been seeing. Daniel is uncomfortable with this plan, but goes along with it because that's what it says in the script. Daniel smoothly convinces Connor to tell him that he's seeing Wilhelmina, but that doesn't affect the plans. In another car, Wilhelmina and Marc are watching them through what look like fancy night-vision binoculars. Wili is angry that Connor would rather hang out with Daniel than her, but Marc is more annoyed that it's so easy to spy on them. They're parked right under a streetlight, for God's sake. Where's the sport in that? Anyway, Wili and Marc don't know what Connor and Daniel are doing aside from parking by the side of the street.
So now the flowers make an appearance, as Betty strolls into the picture in one of those garish Betty outfits that make her identifiable from miles away, even without night-vision goggles. She's leaving another voicemail on Jesse's phone, which is always the best way to convince someone you don't care about them. Wili and Marc spot her, but she's coming from behind Connor's car. Daniel sees her in the rear-view mirror, which is labeled "Objects in mirror are larger than they appear". See, it's a fat joke. Because Betty's supposedly fat! Except it's Television Fat, like Jerri Blank. Daniel gets Connor out of the car by sending him for coffee and dashes across the street to intercept Betty as she's going up the steps to Molly's building. He grabs the flowers and shoos her away, but is unable to get the flowers into a dumpster before Connor shows back up.
Instead of dropping the flowers, Daniel hides them behind his back, which never works. Connor grabs them and makes fun of the cheapness of the carnations before opening the card. It's signed "R.J." Daniel more or less convinces Connor there's no point in staying here and risking his relationship with Wilhelmina and they call it a night.
As Wili and Marc also leave, Wili spots Molly walking up the street and realizes this is her building. Wili claims that it all makes perfect sense. I'm not sure I agree with her completely, but at least everybody's up to speed.
Betty recaps the episode so far as she and Daniel walk past some bright orange desks. See, I thought I'd add a little color to this recap. (Pa-zing!) Betty thinks the Love Rhombus is dumb, and uses that as an excuse to complain about Jesse not returning her calls. And now she doesn't want to leave Manhattan because there's unfinished business. Daniel: "Betty, are you really sure you wanna move back home?" Betty, flat and uninterested: "Of course. I love my family." She doesn't really seem into the idea, if you ask me. Daniel thinks she's coming up with excuses not to go. Betty has this whole fantasy about living in the city and having a boyfriend and all that. Daniel recommends standing up for herself and thus getting her groove back.
Connor comes to Wili's office, and she confronts him with her belief that he's still hung up on Molly. He denies it, and they have a very Telenovela scene. Wili declaims, in close-up, that "Wilhelmina Slater doesn't play second fiddle to anyone. And she doesn't beg. For. Anyone."
Oh, right. Queens. Elena won't let Ignacio cook with a pat of butter. She'll let him make a Spanish omelet with cooking spray, though. As long as he doesn't use salt or egg yolks. He stands up to her for about ten seconds and then stalks off. Thanks, Queens. See you in about ten minutes for another thirty-second scene! These are sure making me wish Betty spent more time with her family.
Back at Mode, Daniel is looking fondly at giant pictures of himself and Molly on his laptop when Connor walks in. That's what happens when your offices have giant round holes in the wall instead of doors. Connor thanks him for talking sense to him and drops his eyes. Then he suggests hitting the gym again.
Jesse is playing a strummy alt-song in a coffee shop while bored mohawked people wish fervently they could find someplace with good biscotti and no live music. See, I told you this was about Seattle. Betty stomps up to him and orders him to talk to her instead of finishing his song. That seems kind of rude to me, but none of the six people in the place seem to be listening to him. Still, there's a fine line between "assertive" and "whatever Betty did there", and I think she's firmly on the "whatever Betty did there" side of things. Jesse confesses to being a tool and a horrible, terrible person, which immediately locks Betty into reassuring him and telling he's a good person. Sheesh. He asks her out on a date that night at the coffee shop they're in and then starts playing his guitar along with his request. She agrees, apparently having completely forgotten how much she hated him two minutes ago.
At the apartment, Amanda tells Betty, "Do not order anything over fifty dollars or you have to do anything Jesse says. It used to be more, but we are in a recession." Timely! Marc, who is there for some reason, wants to know what's going on with the roommate search. Then they make fun of her date clothes.
Queens! Ignacio and Elena have a showdown. He's mad that he doesn't get to eat whatever he wants and lie around all day just because he had a heart attack brought on by eating whatever he wants and lying around all day. The Telenovela music ramps up as she tells him his family loves him and that he almost died and so on. She leaves for the night. End of Queens!
Betty and Jesse are on their date in the coffee shop. Jesse wants Betty to try the meatloaf, which should be safe. You'd have to order a few hundred pounds to make fifty bucks worth at this place. Jesse starts blathering about his band and not letting Betty get a word in edgewise, which is pretty much how it goes when you're with a musician.
Connor and Daniel are sparring at FISTICUFFS. Connor punches Daniel in his face a few times, including once when Daniel has taken his headguard off. It seems that Connor saw the "Rich Jerk" shirt when he cast his eyes downward five paragraphs ago and figured out who "R.J." was. But it looks like he's satisfied after punching Daniel and looking disappointed in him. Okay, so that's the end of that subplot, right? Connor isn't dating Molly or Wilhelmina, and Daniel and Molly aren't hiding from anyone. So we can all get on with our lives. Incidentally, isn't this sort of behavior frowned upon at most gyms?
At the coffee shop (where Betty hasn't eaten any of her meatloaf) Jesse is still talking about this time his fly was open and segues into a song which, no lie, starts like this:
"Headache, heartache, depression, rejection..."
Betty retreats into a fantasy world, which is really the only thing you can do when you're confronted with that sort of thing. In the dream world, Jesse is in a cheesy music video singing a song that appears to be called "Me me me". When Betty comes back to reality (or as close as this show gets, har har), Jesse's actual song ends with the line "If there's one thing I can count on, it's me." Betty cringes and applauds a little. Jesse tells her she's a really good listener and is great for him. Betty says that it's fine that he used her to make himself feel better because she was just using him to try to fulfill her own fantasy and gets the hell out of there.
At Mode, Daniel has a black eye and Betty gets him some ice from a big glass bucket that's not in any kind of a freezer. They just look like glass balls, and I don't see how they'd stay cold. Connor walks in to make sure the budget meeting is still on for that night. This guy sure likes budget meetings! Anyway, Connor claims that the two of them have no outstanding issues, which seems weird. That's no way to run a telenovela. You have to brood and plot and glare. Just punching people in the face and moving on is suspiciously straightforward. I love that the most mature thing anyone's done on this show involved physical violence.
In Wili's office, where Wilhelmina is wearing a completely ridiculous outfit that only works because it's on Vanessa Williams, Connor claims that he's 100% committed to being with her. He's putting Molly completely out of his mind. He even offers to beg, which appears to be the thing that convinces Wilhelmina that they should have dinner that night. Hey, what about the budget meeting? Everyone knows that if you mention a budget meeting in the first act, you have to have one in the third act. I think Chekhov said that.
Elena arrives at the Suarez residence in the morning and is greeting by Ignacio and a no-butter, no-salt, no-yolk omelet. He thanks her for her honesty. I guess now she'll have to eat that thing now. And that's pretty much the end of Ignacio being cranky toward his nurse, I guess.
In the Manhattan apartment Betty says goodbye to Amanda, who gives her a big hug. Amanda says she'll miss her, and appears to be somewhat sincere. But Betty has a roommate for Amanda: it's Marc! Oh boy! Amanda is thrilled! Marc is thrilled! I'm pretty happy myself, because say what you will about these two, at least they've got some energy. Unlike Betty, who mopes out the door to some piano-based sad music. I'd watch a show that was just about Amanda and Marc.
Betty arrives home in Queens to hugs from Ignacio and the sister and the kid as the music gets to a lyric about "home". The end! So that wraps up the whole Connor-Molly thing, the Manhattan Apartment, and even Ignacio's heart. But there's still an episode week, so I guess things are still going to happen.
Montykins is a little sad that thanks to the current 30 Rock subplot, Ugly Betty is now the second most entertaining Salma Hayek-related telenovela on Thursday nights. Monty also has a blog devoted to Movie Novelizations, cleverly entitled Monty on Movie Novelizations. You can email him at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.