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I knew once we lost the French kid the show would remember to be awesome again! What a fun episode. Bonus dorkiness? Hilda/Ignacio's storyline is all about the power of the people as expressed through the democratic process, plus introduces hopefully a new (unmarried!) civil servant cutie-pie for her post-Tony loving. Like, imagine the Henry of Hilda and you have Archie Rodriguez. I'm speaking unspoiled though, so we may never see him again. Hope we do. Also in this story: Justin wearing a humiliating Uncle Sam outfit, which is worth a thousand guffaws.
Okay, so "Associate Editor" Kimmie Keegan is ruling the school Regina George style, so hardcore that she manages to even piss off Marc and Amanda, who are usually drawn to that behavior like flies to shit. Meanwhile, she is also stomping all over Betty's dreams in such a way that it actually makes sense, rather than the plot device crap everybody's been up to of late. After getting screwed over on TV, in front of her family and Lloyd from Fashion Buzz!, Betty gets some hypocritical and -- in the universe of this show -- utterly wrong advice from Daniel about taking the high road. Enter Marc and Amanda, of course. (Dragging Cliff along for about five seconds of "anger eating" and upholstery shame, but seeing where Cliff and Marc have found themselves together deserves its own paragraph, because it is awesome.)
Betty resists Marc and Amanda's various murder plots and schemes to get Kimmie fired, but eventually gives in, sabotaging a photo shoot with Brazilian marblemouth and Rubik's Cube Mastermind Adriamalama Lima Dingdong. Awesomely, the sabotage involves telling Kimmie that Wilhelmina Slater only respects people who challenge her authority! Awesome, right? At the last second, of course, Betty gives in and tries to reverse her sabotage, only to have Kimmie accuse her of now oozing jealous, bitter ooze, and then laying a mind-blowingly beautiful amount of bitchy-glorious 'tude at Wili's door that ends in a frantically insane Kimmie getting bodily carried away, and Betty saving the day thanks to some sweet-natured advice from the always-wonderful Val Emmich across the hall, who is finally back.
But the coolest thing is the Daniel/Wili plot, which involves them rebelling together like siblings against Claire's very even-handed advice to get a new CFO -- apparently Alexis's best quality was her understanding of the bottom line, and Mode has become an endangered species. Wili bumps into the hottest Australian export since the Andamooka black opal, a well-respected publishing professional named Connor Owens. He's thinking of making a jump, but laughs off her offer to become the CFO citing historical personal issues with Daniel. Wili makes the offer and they take the meeting, but Daniel's become withdrawn and sullen... So she's all the more surprised when he's convinced by her logic to offer Connor the job, although he did just give Betty a whole speech about not being a dick. At the last second, Connor -- who turns Betty on even more than Cute Hallway Guy, and she's not alone in that -- drags Daniel aside to discuss the job offer... And they dap, because they are bros, and the whole thing was a massive con to fuck with Wili! This show is effing back.
Until our full weecap is posted on Monday, look back at Betty's soapiest moments.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Betty heads into work as she talks on the phone with Hilda, carrying a plate of jelly donuts for some reason. Hilda's all trying to get inside her head so she'll hate Kimmie Kegan even more than usual, because Hilda is, in this episode, completely disgusting. She talks about Kimmie putting a "steak knife" in Betty's back, and calls her something that "rhymes with bizatch." Sigh. Betty's like, "Um okay L'il Hilda, but I am no longer as of this moment a spineless naïve idiot." We shall see. Kimmie's sitting at Betty's desk getting a makeover due to her being the Mode Whore-On-The-Street/Associate Editor, and the stylist blow-dryers the powdered sugar from the donuts all over Betty's stupid clothes, and then Daniel shows up and they climb all over each other kissing his ass, as Kimmie reveals she's going to lunch with somebody from French Vogue. Betty counters with a call from Daniel's plumber, and Daniel high-fives Kimmie about her latest coup or whatever, and sends Betty to get them both breakfast, which Kimmie, of course, calls "brekky," because she is repulsive.
Betty drops the brekky on the table with a high amount of snottiness and Kimmie promises to let her know if she needs anything else. Betty points out that Kimmie can eat a dick, only she says it more like, "If you need anything else, you can get it yourself, because I work for Daniel." Kimmie points out her business cards in their beautiful shiny business card box, and how they say Associate Editor, and Betty, who in addition to being fea remains débil de voluntad, totally falls for her bullshit. Again. "Um, we have like a thousand Associate Editors?" To which the only response you could possibly give, Kimmie does: "And your fucking business card says what?" Nothing, because she has none, because in addition to being the Meade family tennis ball and the entire building's whipping girl, she also self-sabotages like a motherfucker.
Kimmie illustrates their circumstances with a handy hand-graph: "Editor, assistant to editor. Editor, assistant. I have gotten higher in two weeks than you have in two years. Don't you pretty much think you'll be an assistant forever?" Yes. She will be. She will also be fat and ugly and have braces forever, because no matter how unlikely any of that would be in real life, it's the show. I mean how great would it be if the show was still called Ugly Betty, and all the late-night comedians were like, "Ugly my ass! No grapes, no nuts!" I feel like that might happen one day when this show becomes interesting again, because something that off-the-beam is what's required at this point. On the other hand, this is probably a better episode than most or all of last season, so I'm not bitching. Anyway, blah blah, Kimmie is totally right, Betty remembers that she forgot that she sucks, and then continues to suck by running off crying instead of punching Lindsay Lohan in the box.
Claire summons Wili and Daniel to a meeting with some suit named Mort who tells them that they are massive financial straits yet again, and makes some weird joke about how publishing is like fashion: "You'd rather not see red." I know what "red" means in this context, but I'm confused by the implication that red is not a fashionable color. Maybe I just didn't get it. Wili doesn't even have time to get it, and rushes off to meet Tom Ford. Maybe he decided to put on some damn clothes for once, although I wouldn't complain if he didn't. Daniel also wants to leave, and they pull some very funny sibling non-rivalry games trying to get Claire off their back, but she's not having it. Claire tells them she'll be damned if they bring down a building with her name on it, and notes that while Alexis did have some occasional murderous impulses, at least she was good with numbers. They need a CFO -- badly. Wili calls Claire a "poor man's Sally Field, and Daniel giggles, so Claire sets loose the dogs of Mort: the way things are going, their magazine is dead in the water. This gives them pause.
Betty brings some fattening groceries home and Val Emmich appears with the fucked up hair he's rocking as Jesse the Neighbor, and he offers about a billion times to help her with the bags, and finally she lets him after he gets pushy. Betty asks if he's got his guitar strapped on for a "gig" and then wonders if she's using the words correctly, and he says the saddest phrase in the English language: "coffee shop open mic." They talk about how horrible those are, not that she knows ("open mic? Who's Mike? Am I using these words correctly?") and he asks after her "fast-paced life as a magazine editor." She of course suffers massive Kimmie-related PTSD and starts babbling about business cards, and they relate on the level of being lazy and not getting shit done and then wondering "what it takes to get noticed in this town." He calls her "Super B," which I like, and talks about how they are both dreamers or something (I kind of phase out when he's onscreen), and he tells her not to give in to doubt, and then starts singing a song at her about not giving up: "Go for it Betty/ No need to get sweaty/ I know that you're ready..." And it's just so weird that he's not famous already, no?
Kimmie tells some boring story to a thousand accumulated hangers-on, and Amanda and Marc attempt to kiss her ass, but she gives them the "busy busy let's talk later" brush-off, which rankles them. As Marc says, they are king and queen of this particular Prom, and Amanda worries about what happens when the masses get ideas -- Marie Antoinette reference on the hearth like Chekov's gun -- and says they need to keep an eye on her. You know what song I like? Lindsay Lohan's song "Over." The video is a heartbreaker! But I really do like the song. I miss liking Lindsay Lohan so, so much and I was so into this comeback, but then she fucked it up again. I hope that she lives to become Jodie Foster but I'm willing to downgrade to Amanda Bearse if it keeps her alive.
To the assembled sizzling hot editors, Wili and Daniel give a polished presentation of accolades for their pitches on the "Sizzling Hot" issue (Wili: "I only went blind with rage twice!") and they congratulate all the people and give specially sizzling props to Kimmie, who dazzles and sparkles, and meanwhile over in the corner Betty goes to her dark place and starts hearing that awful song Jesse the Neighbor made up only instead of believing in your dreams it starts being about asking for shit she has not earned. She follows Daniel down on the street and they literally have this exchange: "How come everybody has a spot in the 'Hot' issue?" Because they submitted ideas. "Why didn't I?" Um ... ?
Daniel laughs and wonders how he could possibly know that, and she says she didn't know -- despite the last three years of storylines involving her pitching ideas to everybody in the building including janitors and Claire's white-hot sizzling Hot Flash -- that she could pitch. He tells her to, and she crumbles, natch, and then points randomly at a fruit cart and starts babbling about sizzling hot fruit and how there's always a hot new food that increases brain power and reduces stress that you can just keep on your desk and pop in your mouth to keep your edge in this hypercompetitive world. The only fruit I can think of that fits that description is Marc St. James. She's finally reduced to just standing on the corner of the biggest city of the world screeching SIZZLING HOT FRUIT like a lunatic, but it's kind of amazing.
Ignacio, determined to be annoying at all costs until he finally fucking dies, runs around the house yakking about how he's voting for the first time, not counting Dancing With The Stars which he only did because he wants to get his nasty old-man mascara-wearing self all over Kristy Yamaguchi, which is horrendous. Hilda goes off about how excited she is about the election too, but not because of anything normal or awesome, just because the local polls are around the corner and she wants to market her beauty shop using flyers and the humiliation of her child. She says it'll be a really good day for Hildabeautility or whatever it's called, and Ignacio's like, "Also democracy!" And yes, my friend, they are going there.
The thing is that Hilda is probably the hardest character to write, because she's really intense and layered and exactly what life made her, which is strong as steel, more than a little crazy, and more than willing to administrate the lives of everyone around her because A) she can't handle her own life and B) she was the mother figure to an entire family for her whole life. And if you shade too far one way or the other, you end up with this shrieking bitchy cartoon harridan with occasionally tender moments, which is fine for the weirdos at Mode because they are white, but just comes off as racist posturing when it's Hilda. I mean, the reason Marc and Amanda are always awesome is that it's way easier to write for them, because they're easier characters. Just do the shit they always do, write fifty jokes and skim the best ten off, and salt and pepper with occasional soul. And the hateful way she's portrayed in this episode causes some fucking scary thoughts to occur, mostly having to do with how maybe the only reason this episode respects Wilhelmina -- the other hard bitch of the show -- enough to portray her as wonderfully layered and strong and vulnerable as she is in this episode is secretly because, even though we don't know it, she's getting it up the ass the entire time.
Betty runs in with a basket of fruit and Ignacio makes some stupid racist joke about it, and she screeches the words SIZZLING HOT FRUIT about sixty million more times and screams about how she's getting a quarter page with a picture, and then they all eat fruit. One is so five minutes ago, several are nasty, she says "kiwi" and Justin awesomely goes "kiwon't" and then Ignacio hops up and grabs some book he just happens to have about rare Brazilian fruits, okay, and Betty looks up this particular fruit on the internet and finds a wonderful surprise. Meanwhile, Hilda's like, "It's ugly!" and Ignacio pointlessly says that you have to look inside to find beauty sometimes, and also that the historically underrepresented Latino population in this country needs to get out there and vote so that their voices can be heard, and Hilda's like, "The tico berry is 'succulent and flavorful,' like me!" and Justin tells her to hurry up and get appropriate.
Daniel announces to the assembled editors that Betty has scored a giant coup for the Sizzling Hot issue, which is the sizzling hot tico berry which is also the sizzling hot favorite of sizzling hot Brazilian supermodel Adriana Lima. Kimmie feels some sizzling hot jealousy, and when Betty reads this fifteen-page monograph about all the ways Adriana Lima loves the sizzling hot tico berry and credits them for making her beautiful, Amanda jumps up. Amanda is wearing an awesome outfit that manages to combine Crucifix Madonna with like Stargate, by the way. So Betty tells her there are no tico berries in the sizzling hot cafeteria, and Amanda says it's for her less beautiful friend, and then Wili explains the real coup here, which is that Adriana has never done a cover for Mode before, but thanks to the sizzling hot Betty's sensational Googling skills, it's happening. Daniel gives Betty the whole shoot, making her PM on the cover, and Kimmie gets some sizzling hot diarrhea, and Wili goes, "That's initiative! Sometimes it comes in even the most unlikely brown packages." Which is sizzlingly stupid. Daniel -- this is where it becomes ludicrous -- cuts Kimmie's sizzling hot club from the issue, because why would Mode be interested in setting trends as far as where to be seen, right, and Kimmie watches everybody congratulating Betty and gets a little crazier.
Wili's on the phone all "Marc the car is not here make it get here" and this entirely wicked hot masterpiece of a person approaches her and says he's an admirer, which she knows means he's either gay or a gossip, and he says no, he is a Connor Owens, formerly of some company I didn't catch because Australian talk sounds to me like the silverware of every kitchen on this planet going into a garbage disposal as big as the Ritz, and he starts talking about how you have to Market the Brand and Blue Ocean this and Tipping Point that, and she's like, "We are hemorrhaging money, please come be our CFO," and he says he can't because he has mysterious super-hateration with Daniel, which just makes her want him more, of course, and they are all flirty and sexy. She look really lovely this week.
Shizuki from Fashion Buzz arrives to interview them about the photo shoot coup and Daniel introduces him to Betty, which Shizuki loves because it's all "little person does good" and wants to interview her, as soon as they put her regrettable ass in a makeup chair. Later on, Betty's doing a perfectly fine job of putting on her makeup and looks pretty cute, but Kimmie bullies her into letting her put false eyelashes on Betty's face, which is already busier than a Wall Street boiler room on a good day, and then nice/bullies her into practicing her interview soundbites, which she of course memorizes because she's like a robot from the future of plot devices.
Betty runs off to tell her stupid family about the interview and Kimmie flirts with a grip so he'll turn the lights up to a bajillion and it's some kind of metaphor for sex. Meanwhile, Hilda's hanging up American crap all over the house because she doesn't Get It Yet, and tells Ignacio that he needs to put together an outfit for tomorrow so nobody sees him in his Crazy Old Man Pajamas, which made me laugh, and then they haul out Justin in his stupid puffy polyester Uncle Sam suit. He looks like a parade float. Ignacio, of course, thinks he looks great, because he has no discernment.
The Shizuki interview goes horribly, because while the fruit and the issue are sizzling hot, when you go on TV you really shouldn't be. Betty tries to keep it together while reeling off her totally boring Adriana Lima information, but she's sweating like a pig and sort of hallucinating and then one eyelash sort of crawls off her eyeball and down her face, and she finally runs away just as Shizuki's asking her if tico berries would be good in a Ticotini, and she is fashion roadkill, and Shizuki is like, "Oh, hell." But then Kimmie sits down and delivers all of Betty's soundbites looking, if I may, sizzling hot, and pimps herself to the camera for awhile, and Betty is freaking out some more, and then Wili and Daniel explain that they just remembered Betty sucks, so she will now be working with Kimmie on the shoot. Betty calls Kimmie out on being a betraying saboteuse, and Kimmie's like, "No. You don't have the face or the pores for TV, I don't care about you or winning anything, I just want to be in the spotlight and you are making that difficult because you are a freak, and in two days that shoot is happening either way, but I'm betting you're going to drive yourself right out of this job by then."
Daniel gives Wili a very hardcore NO about Connor Owen as the CFO, and keeps cutting her off without even discussing it, which makes Wilhelmina sad because she thought they had figured out a way to make it work. He thinks about that and about doing what's right for Meade, supposedly, but honestly he's just thinking about how his hair is totally cute this week, having struck a balance between spiky and fluffy that is just right. Betty comes in yowling about how she can't work with Kimmie because she's a monster, and Daniel's all about the Tao of the Zen of the Deal and all, "Grasshopper, don't scratch her eyes out, do like I do with Wili: stay professional, fight fair, and take the high road so that your wishes can come true." That speech would not be any less awesome if it were genuine.
Marc and Amanda showily try to get in on Kimmie's boring lunchtime story about Xtina's baby, and she fully puts her purse on one chair and her feet on the other, and then cut from their gasps of horror to them walking in the city. Amanda's still in the giant cross, but my God, Marc: top hat, tail jacket, the whole thing. He looks like the cover of my Lytton Strachey book, it's amazing. He's like if the Penguin had an awesome gay baby with Catwoman. They talk about how they used to spread rumors, ruin lives, be pretty and mean, and now they are auf'd. Marc agrees that sometimes God gives with both hands, but that they need to think before going nuclear... Which of course is not their bag, because as they admit, they love going nuclear, and destruction, more than anything.
Betty's sitting all alone and pathetic on some random bench somewhere and they sit down, terrifyingly, on either side. Amanda describes Kimmie as "something that affects all of us, like global warning," and Marc explains the inconvenient truth is that Kimmie is evil and has to go. Betty asks what they mean by go, and Amanda immediately replies, "We need to kill her." Marc corrects that assumption and says they just want to get her fired. Betty worries about doing that, and Amanda's all, "Betty, she threatened your family." Marc, again, explains that that's not true in any way, but that it's self-evident that she is a bitch. Betty agrees, but refuses to help her. Pouting, they vanish.
Wili shows off this green avalanche necklace which is a reproduction of a necklace of Marie Antoinette's, but I don't think the necklace, and wants to use it in the shoot. "It's just a suggestion," Wili says, which means if Betty doesn't use it she will never eat cake again. Adriana comes in and there is much ado and she says something about how she broke her finger beating up some girl, and I think Daniel of course fucked her in Milan, and she goes on and on for a billion years about the fucking tico berries, and it comes out that Kimmie met her at the airport last night and took her out for dinner and drinks. Because Kimmie kind of rules at this, if you hadn't noticed. Betty's like, "That's not FAIR! I could have done that but DIDN'T because I kind of SUCK! You are so MEAN!" Kimmie, no more interested than any adult ever would be, besides Neighbor Jesse I guess, takes off with "A-Lim" -- after the devastating revelation that she's replaced Cliff as the photographer, the bitch -- leaving Betty stewing in her sizzling hot inferiority: "Screw the high road," of course, "I'm in. Let's kill Kimmie."
Silver Fox Ten Thousand Connor Owen hands Daniel some irritating spiel about how he went to Harvard but grew up poor in Sydney, yada yada, dad in jail, and Daniel sighs and fidgets and stares at the ceiling and asks, to Wili's horror, what his fucking point is. The point, Connor dreamily explains, is that he doesn't take a job for the money. When a client didn't like one of his campaigns, he didn't take no from "some VP Marketing who couldn't find his nuts with a GPS," but instead found the nuts of somebody higher on his own. He hands over his sexy new business plan and takes his leave. Daniel watches them flirt and he's all freaked out in his totally cute in grey and black striped sweater over a black polo collar. Wili is dazzled by the power of the Owen.
At the Betty apartment, Amanda is rolling out the end of her Kill Kimmie plan: "...It's an odorless, colorless gas. When Kimmie wakes up, she's got heroin stuffed in her pockets, and the police whisk her away..." Marc explains that prison is a touch too far, and then a voice like beautiful music issues from what is now almost a separate room: "She deserves whatever horrible punishment she gets!" Is it... IT IS! It's Cliff! For all of five seconds, supine and partially obscured by anger pizza, but there he is! Look! Look, it's Cliff! Betty complains to Marc that his boyfriend is getting cheese on her couch, which... Betty, come on. We both know your couch already smelled like sausage, or cheese, or whatever smell means sadness to you.
"Cliff. Napkin." That is like the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. I want to yell napkin at Cliff. That's it, I'm getting married. The great chase has finally ended, not in a bloody tragedy like I always suspected it would, but on a couch with some delicious pizza. That was easy. "Honey, I know you're upset, and anger-eating because you lost the Adriana shoot, but trust me. Kimmie will be dealt with." Now just pretend that this sort of conversation happens in every episode, and you won't ever miss Cliff again. Amanda asks if they still make guillotines, and Marc tells Betty that in fact, that is totally constructive. Turns out the Marie Antoinette necklace repro is up for auction, and if Wili can drive up the buying price, she'll get a cut. So if it's not around Adriana Lima's neck, Amanda realizes... "Someone will lose her head!" Betty shouts. And then everybody cuddles with Cliff on the couch because he had a hard day, the end.
Hilda's doing mad hot business calling people in and treating candidates like their wives are hairstyles and not respecting our national heritage and driving Ignacio mad with her disinterest in something he so recently won for himself, even though she's looking phenomenal in a shiny purple off-the-shoulder top, and OMG he totally tells her that her vote counts and that in America you have to vote or else you're not really being an American. My notes say, "That's actually what's happening." And honestly, I don't take citizenship or voting lightly and I'm slightly crazy about the law, and democracy, and optimistic and all that shit, but like: your vote is like your education, or your body, or your relationships. If you don't value them, fuck you, because that's nobody's problem but yours. Vote, don't vote, I don't care, but I want my future decided by people who care enough to vote, so it works out well for me. "You know what's American," Hilda says, just screaming into cartoonland at the speed of sound, "Making money!" She asks why she would even vote on that shit when it has nothing to do with her, meaning that Ralph Macchio** is about to arrive and demonstrate one of the many ways that democracy in action* touches us all.
*(I can't decide whether to puke or cheer about all of this. It's condescending, but probably necessary, and I can't think of a better show to get this message across, since it's the only one on TV besides Grey's with a diverse enough cast to include substantial Latino characters in the first place, and Grey's is all rich people fucking anyway, so: I guess so. On the other hand, and more honestly and in a way that has nothing to do with politics: this is so retarded it's awesome.)
Marc and Amanda are kissing Kimmie's ass like whoa about the freaky fruity decorations for the shoot, which are like these giant floating pieces of dream fruit or something that are supposed to evoke Adriana Lima's childhood memories of sizzling hot tico berries, and Kimmie's dumbness crops up in a kind of funny, weird and not-so-believable way: "It's Surirealism. This thing Tom Cruise's daughter invented?" Marc goes after the necklace eventually, like, "Hate it! Did that giant fruit fall off Carmen Miranda's haaaaat?" Kimmie's a bit nervous, but looking great: her eyes look lovelier in this scene than maybe ever. Amanda and Marc spend some time naming berries, including the repugnant Halle Berry, and Amanda finally pulls the trigger: "This must be Betty's idea, because it suuuucks." Kimmie worries, and they turn the awesome force of their crazy eyes on her; she falls for it and runs over to the stylists all, "Get it off her neck! It's hurting my eyes!" Marc and Amanda give Betty the go-ahead: "We set her up, you knock her down." Betty wonders silently what will happen with her eyes bugging out, because she has no spine or independent thoughts anymore, because Meade has finally taken her spark and she is like the rest: dead inside.
**(Before you get excited, no, it's not the Marvel Comics editor from the '80s. I want to be clear on that: It's the other one. I know, I was excited too. But this one's cuter.)
In the limo on the way to the shoot, Wili offers to call Connor and turn him down, sadly, and the distracted and hilariously pissy and insolent Daniel offers to give him the bad news. "So. How'd you like to come run the business down at Meade? Great." He hangs up and Wilhelmina is surprised and touched. She thanks him for putting his ego aside and respecting her on this, and maybe you're smarter than me but I was kind of moved by all this, because Daniel Maturing has been a big theme on this show, but this season is all about bringing strong women down because we hate them, so that theme wins. Daniel sighs, grossed out, and stares out the window, and Wili's like "Damn."
Kimmie throws albacore at an assistant and sends her back to Nobu for real tuna, and Betty is all perky and twitchy and trying to help, but Kimmie's doing fine, so then Betty impressively maneuvers Kimmie by talking about how nervous she is about Wili's impending arrival, because she's not strong like Kimmie and can't stand up for herself, which sucks because what Wilhelmina Slater likes is people with strong opinions that don't back down. Kimmie blows her off, but Betty says she means it, that Wili only respects people that say no. "She's going to want to change ten things, but really she wants you to say no." Betty wishes aloud that she wasn't so weak, and... Did this episode just become awesome?
Totally weird music video jump-cutting brings Wili and Daniel to the shoot, where Betty is watching Kimmie work and wondering if her moral superiority -- her most irritating superpower! -- is worth destroying Kimmie. I would have said no, but you upped the ante when she dicked with Cliff, and I have lost my moral compass. Daniel's all, "I'm so proud of you, buddy! This business makes one wonder what kind of person you are, and what you will do to get ahead!" Because that's so like him. Betty runs off to barf and/or totally fuck up the entire plan.
Kimmie tells the diffident Betty to take a leap, but leap she will not. She follows Kimmie all around until finally Amanda freaks: "We must distract her! Does anyone have a six-foot hoagie?" Betty tells her a billion times that it was a setup, and Kimmie's like, "So I should be weak, is your advice? Fuck you, I'm going places." Betty begs her all over the place to fucking chill, but each protest just drives it higher. Right before Wili walks up, she goes, "Look, Betty. I know how to judge character, and right now you're oozing petty bitter jealous ooze. It's all over you!" And I mean, the girl's not wrong. There's just no ooze at this exact second that she's saying it. I kind of weep for Kimmie Kegan. There is no normal in her dojo.
Wili stomps up and goes, "Where's the fucking necklace." Kimmie tells her that the necklace is hideous and not going in the shoot, and then she goes, "Don't worry, babe: sit back, relax... Have a donut." Amanda and Marc scream! This is amazing? Wilhelmina pulls out her gun and she's all, "Butch, you got a death wish?" and Lindsay says her only wish is that Wili scooty-scoot-scoot and find someplace shady. Wili, unused to this behavior from mortals, is like, "Whoa, what if I actually do have to kill her? In front of everyone? Awkward..." So instead she just ignores that any of this is happening and tells her to get the motherfucking necklace and put it in the motherfucking pictures, and Betty appears out of nowhere with it, and Kimmie fully goes, "That's my decision, and that's final." "Well, you're fired," Wili says, obviously, and Kimmie fully goes, "Uh, no I'm not fired." I mean! And I mean, I know I bitch about things being unrealistic within the world of the show sometimes, but if Lindsay Lohan had actually vanished in a puff of smoke and a blast of light, you would not hear me complaining. That's how amazing.
But nothing gold can stay, Pony Boy, and so Wili's like, "Unfortunately, you are actually fired." Kimmie starts screaming about what about her blog and her vlog and her perfume and her fashion line and her follow-up to "Edge Of Seventeen" and "Over," and Amanda and Marc makes the loveliest innocent faces, and then Kimmie snags the basket of tico berries and totally absconds with them! This one scene is better than the whole season so far! She's like, "Zoinks!" and Hamburglars off with the fucking sizzling hot tico berries, like, that's her response to the situation. Like Wili's going to say, "Nice and unexpected, Kegan. You can have Daniel's job now." Then she throws them in the lake and puts her arms akimbo and goes, "HA!" The security dudes show up to take her away and she screams like a total freak about how they can go screw and she is not gone because there are still two episodes of the six she was supposed to appear in that she is still appearing in, I think, having gotten her ass fired this week, and they watch the berries sink below the pond scum, and Wili smiles at Betty, like, "Um?" Man, if they throw Betty in the lake that is it. I will have found a new way to love this show.
There's a poster of Hilda on the wall at her salon, that Uncle Sam thing where he wants you, and this cute guy who it turns out is the Karate Kid Johnny Cade himself, all grown up, comes in for a haircut. He has a "work thing" later, which is actually the results of the election, because he's totally this district's councilman, which you knew was basically the deal when he walked in talking about how small businesses are good for the community, but Hilda? No. Not this week. He asks if it was hard getting licensed to operate it, since they're not in a business zone... I mean, this conversation goes on for awhile. Zoning... and such.
Anyway, he recommends that she get proper licensure and she tells him to suck on her licensure and he explains who he is, and she refuses to finish his haircut, because she's an unrecognizable asshole this week, and she's like, "Archie Rodriguez! I have six weeks booked! And you're saying I can't run my own salon!" Um, first of all: get your fucking license, you fucking freak. You're on the grid, start acting like it. And secondly, he's all "Democracy in action touches each one of us, because elective government is the only way that we can keep our elected officials, and our neighbors, from taking advantage of us. We are in the process of redefining what 'American' means. What side of that are you comfortable being on? With immigration hate speech on the rise and becoming a mainstream plank in some platforms, and armed civilian militias like the Minutemen looking to enforce racist ideals last seen a half-century ago, you are looking at an election in which a major part of the fight is about you, yourself and your family, and whether or not you even have the right to make yourself come true, or have the right to call yourself an American. And if you don't vote, I'm sorry, but you don't have that right. You're saying you don't want it, and you're proving anybody who ever accused you or your family of traitorous opportunism right." And then he takes a very deep breath and runs back to his dojo until she decides to start dating him.
"Betty," Wili says, "Do something." That's nice. I wish she deserved that kind of trust this week. Betty hems and haws and whatever, has no good ideas, and Wili's like, "She's not like most supermodels, she is going to notice we're stalling," and over there Adriana Lima finishes off a Rubik's Cube and starts on the NYT Sunday crossword and whatever is lame, and then Betty runs over to ask if she ate all the tico berries in her sizzling hot fruit basket, and they some interminable conversation that I don't understand became frankly Adriana Lima talks like her head has been run over by a Volvo, but whatever, Betty was the one that did the research and yes she has tico berries, and then they do the photo shoot. And yes, she's pretty. We get it. That's implied by "supermodel." Who the eff do you think is watching this show?
Daniel and Betty celebrate over the proofs from the shoot and he apologizes for not seeing what a bad seed Kimmie was, but in the end Betty realized that doing her usual subpar job is just as good as actually competing to succeed, plus easier, so it worked out. He gives her business cards, okay, because that's how low her expectations are now, and then Connor arrives, and... Man, I've never seen Betty like... Her whole posture and everything changes, it's like she's going into heat. She goes kind of Amanda on him, all, "Hiiii, my name is Betty Suarez, and I'm about to make your dreams come true, starting with ... ooh, your hands are so big and strong, your grip is sooo firm... you are like two tennis rackets ... with fingers ... firm-gripping tennis rackets ... that I want to fuck."
Dan snaps Betty out of it -- although again, can't blame her -- and takes off with him all tense and scary to have a "meeting" about the "job offer" and the second they're alone they totally bro out and dap because it was all a lie the whole time! THAT IS AWESOME. So now Daniel has a secret alliance with the CFO, whom both Betty and Wili find totally irresistible, and Wili thinks she's the one with the upper hand, so now everybody's just as crazy and scrabbly as always, but they all think they have the in, when really Connor Owen has the in, which makes him the best thing to happen to this show since Claire busted out the joint.
Betty comes home all excited about her ... business cards ... and Jesse claps her on the shoulder for going for her dream and she ducks her stupid-ass head all, "I only did it because you told me to" and he tells her she's cool, whatever. And as much as I would like for her to have an actual friend besides Daniel, I think you're leaving out the downtown hipster NYC thing, which is that all Jesses are dating Betties, it's the natural choice! Plastic-frame cat glasses, stupid effing hair, low self-esteem, spazzy rainbow socks, no social skills, no life goals, saying the weirdest fucking thing when you're merely trying to have a conversation with them, leg warmers and tights-as-pants, coming off like a virgin no matter how secretly dirty they are, daddy issues, always "in fashion" in some undefined way, and looking like they got dressed in an insane asylum by the people that live in the insane asylum using their own clothes and art projects. Face it, Jesse is the most realistic love interest she's ever had.