Previously: Justin started engaging in some odd behavior following Santos's death; Henry found out the truth about Charlie's cheating ways and decided to get a paternity test to see if he's going to be a baby daddy; Betty decided to enroll in a writing class; Ignacio made it home; and Potes collapsed after trying to fit so much plot into a weecap and still squeeze in a funny line or two.
We open in Betty's writing class, where a young man ends his story by telling how a girl left one morning with his heart in her backpack. This reminds me of when my college a capella group recorded a CD, and in the studio we found another project that was being recorded at the same time. I don't remember the name of the band, but the album was most certainly titled Suitcase Full Of Pain. Awesome. Do you think you could carry that on, or would you have to check it? Betty, ever the good-hearted nerd, starts clapping. She is the only one to do so. Her professor, who is played by none other than Mr. Victor Garber, singles her out and asks why she liked the story. Betty thought it was sweet, and says she felt the writer's pain. Victor Garber felt fingernails on a chalkboard, which he sees fit to demonstrate. Betty -- a fuchsia bubble with a troll pen in a sea of black and grey -- garners the nickname "Clappy." If she were an eighteenth-century French prostitute, this moniker would be even more pointed. Her assignment for the following week is to write a thousand words on her most defining moment. Victor Garber eagerly awaits the opportunity to eat Betty alive.
At home, Betty tells Ignacio, who is cooking some eggs -- could the girls not give him a break one morning after he survived Mexican trauma? -- how mean her professor is by comparing him to Simon Cowell, but with a Pulitzer. She says that she has to be good -- and not just America Ferrera lookalike Jordin Sparks good, but Kelly Clarkson good. Nice reference. Betty says that this writing class is Phase 1 of her career. Phase 5, of course, is running her own magazine. If she can't get through the class, she says, her whole career is out the window. Ignacio is supportive and Hilda is boobalicious, as usual. Betty notes that she sent her story to Daniel, presumably because he has a history of being ever so helpful. Meanwhile, Justin comes down in Santos's old bad-ass leather jacket. He chugs milk from the carton, belches, and admits to failing his Algebra test. The path to machismo begins with bad manners and duncehood. Hilda defends him, to the chagrin of Betty and Ignacio.
Meanwhile, Alexis is learning that it's hard to be a woman, as evidenced by caked-on makeup, inappropriately exposed cleavage, and trouble walking in heels. Guess the two-year gap led her to believe Britney Spears was an appropriate model of femininity. And, seriously, didn't Alex maaaaybe think about the logistics of being a woman more than two years before he actually got Little Al chopped off for good? Daniel walks her into Mode, and says that although she doesn't remember the past two years, Alex was a fantastic editor, and that doesn't go away. They run into Amanda, who grabs Alexis for a mercy bathroom face scrubbing.
Elsewhere at Mode, Henry confabs with current accounting colleague and future music superstar Kenny. Betty walks up, and Kenny instantly notes that no DNA test results have come back yet. Betty actually wants to know if Henry will tutor Justin in Algebra. That is like an accountant's dream. He agrees.
Meanwhile, Marc sneaks in to Fey's Secret Love Dungeon, where Amanda and Halston are resting from the exhausting task of trying to find Amanda's father. She's done internet research and read all of Fey's diaries, but there's nada. Marc suggests getting some pictorial evidence, and notes that the back page of Mode was always filled with photos of Fey's social life. He tells her to look up who Fey was socializing with during the year of her birth. Please let it be Karl Lagerfeld.
Meanwhile, Wili is in the midst of terrorizing the rest of the editorial staff in a meeting when Daniel and Alexis enter. Alexis thanks everyone in advance for helping her to cope with her disability. You know, this would be the perfect time for Alexis to apply to be on America's Top Model. With the two co-editors back, Wili mentions that in a few weeks she'll be helping to run Meade Publications (and the Meade family). She throws it to Sheila, the future creative director currently known as Illeana Douglas, and exits.
Wili goes from the meeting to Bradford's office, where he has the nerve to complain about the frequency of her visits compared to Claire's. He begins to say, "Claire always spent her days..." and Wili finishes, "Drinking and murdering Fey." Well done, ma'am. She wants to talk business. Bradford wants to bone. Same old story, different lavender shirt for Bradford. Wili wants to familiarize herself with the other Meade Publications. Bradford wants a handjob. What does he do?
Meanwhile, back at the editorial meeting, Sheila announces that they've lost Winona Ryder as their cover model. Alexis starts talking about how this is the perfect time to put an underdog/comeback type celeb on the cover. Who does she have in mind, you may ask? The big, sexy, outrageous...Anna Nicole Smith. Awww. Though, I have to say, I think if any story would break through the haze of a coma, it would be the tragic demise of Anna Nicole. And maybe the whole thing with Ellen and Portia's dog. Daniel suggests that Alexis take a little more time off.
Betty packs Daniel off to see Luke Carnes at Atlantic Attire, and lets us in on Daniel's secret love of pedicures. Real men don't feel the need to hide the attention paid to their feet, is what I always like to say. Daniel asks Betty to read a crop of female empowerment stories, noting that the "bear one" is pretty good. If hibernating for the winter is the fourth wave of feminism, I'll take it. Daniel almost forgets to give Betty feedback on the piece for her writing class, but finally says that it's great and gives her a big thumbs-up. This, Betty explains to Christina, means that he hated it. The fake smile and thumbs-up is vintage Daniel lying behavior, as evidenced by a mini-montage. Christina totally makes fun of how dumb Daniel is, which is how we know that Christina is secretly the most sensible person in all the show, but Betty says that Daniel is the first person who ever believed in her. If he doesn't like the story, who will? Speaking of the story, it's about how Betty stayed home alone on her prom night. Man, she really needs to get over that. Betty notes that the professor wants grim, and curses her own sweetness.
Cut to the class, where Victor Garber tears yet another student a new one as he regrets blowing the Pulitzer money at the Indian casino. It's true that when you hear the line, "Meet me at Foxwoods," the speaker is personal doom. Betty, a.k.a. Crappy, a.k.a. Clappy, is up . She, of course, drops her bag at the podium and hurriedly grabs a mess of papers. She begins reading the first line: "When I saw my blood dripping off the bear's teeth..." And then she realizes that, while her prom night was eventful, it really didn't involve bears. Yes, she accidentally started reading the female empowerment article du jour. When Victor Garber shows interest, however, Betty can't bear to switch to the peppier yet less maul-worthy, "Queen of My Own Prom." And thus, the plagiarism begins. Commercials.
When we return, Henry tries to teach Justin Algebra with fashion-related flashcards. So cute! Justin gives no thanks, only bad attitude. Henry asks Ignacio if Betty will be home soon, and Ignacio gives him the brush-off, telling him that he's there for Justin and to keep it about that. Oh, yeah, Papi's back with a vengeance.
Meanwhile, back in the writing class, Betty learns that she survived her bear attack because she's pregnant. Ha! Finally something she can use to trump Charlie. Though what if the father is...the bear? The class rises to its feet, and Victor Garber gives her high praise and wishes bear attacks upon the rest of the class. He tells them that their assignment for the week is to live dangerously, and asks Betty if he can see the ear that was almost torn off. That unruly mop on top of her head comes in handy sometimes, doesn't it? I have three words of advice for Betty: drop the class. I'm not even going to get into the weird creepy Poquito the Talking Bear segment. Suffice it to say that Betty feels awfully guilty.
Meanwhile, "William" calls "Marcy" to attend to her as she goes to the executive suite to be courted by the other magazines of Meade Publications. Needless to say, neither adrenaline-fueled adventure nor food nor Maxim-style boob display appeals to her, and she laments to Marc the fact that they now have no home. Wili says that she was merely a simple girl with an evil plan, and all she wanted to do was run a fashion magazine. But Meade only has one fashion magazine, and it will never be hers. Marc screams "Doooooom" and falls on the floor. I do that at least once a day at work, but there's usually no one around to see me.
When we return to Betty, she's still feeling guilty. She can't even look at a stuffed animal, which is I'm sure just how Larry Craig is feeling right now. Speaking of, did you guys see when Matt Lauer asked him if he was bisexual? I have never felt grodier in my life. But I digress. Betty gets a call from Victor Garber, who says that he needs to see her at 2:00. It's about her essay. Doooooom! And commercials.
When we return, Daniel is meeting with James Van Der Beek! Beek from the Creek! Otherwise known as the man who started it all. I have the desire to give a giant "Mwah ha ha!" right now, but I don't know if Wing and Sars and Glark would appreciate it. ["There's never a wrong time for that, girl!" -- Wing Chun] In any case, Van Der Beek is Luke from Atlantic Attire, and he and Daniel have just almost closed a big advertising deal. They even bump fists, which I guess is like the straight-man version of bumping...other things. Luke says that he heard Alexis is back, and then tells Daniel that he doesn't know if his company should be associated with a magazine run by a cross-dresser. Hey, you jerk! She's a TRANNY. Get it straight, Strom Thurmond. Daniel can't believe that Luke wants him to fire his own brother/sister to land the account. Luke is all, "Life is about tough choices, my brother," and tells Daniel to think about it and get back to him.
Meanwhile, Victor Garber lets Betty in on the news that her story was so good, he sent it to a colleague -- an editor at New York Review. He'd like to see her. Today. Betty blubbers, and Victor Garber says, "You really save it for the page, don't you?" Heh. In case you were questioning the subtext of all this, let me help you out: Lying is bad!!!
And you know who seems to have learned this lesson? Daniel. When a much better put together Alexis comes into the office and asks how the meeting with Luke went, he tells her he lost the account. When she prods for more information, he admits that it was because Luke had an issue with her transfabulous self. Alexis, who is kind of in an emotionally fragile state as it is, takes it pretty hard. She gives a big speech about how she can't do anything right. Including, apparently, find an effective antiperspirant. Rebecca Romijn-Stamos-O'Connell's pit stains are massive. I feel her on that, though. Certain Dri is the only thing that works, but I am convinced it will give me insta-cancer. Any deodorant that comes with an instruction manual has to be a little dangerous, is what I always like to say.
Amanda, meanwhile, pores through old issues of Mode with Halston at her side. Halston starts yipping and pawing at an issue. Amanda picks it up and starts flipping through, and finds a picture of Fey and her assistant, Wanda, at the Palladium. Who is this plain, be-afroed Wanda, you may ask? Well, Amanda asks the very same question before getting a shock of recognition. She gives the image a little digital cosmetic surgery and some Botox and finds her answer: Wanda is Ugly Wili. Who, I might add, is standing right behind her. In her not ugly form. Unless you're not a fan of shiny boxy silver garbage bag jacket-dresses. Commercials.
When we return, Betty meets with the editor from New York Review, who is shocked that she's turning them down. Betty starts to tell the truth, before being interrupted by a call from the legal department about a routine fact-checking issue, and a little curiosity about the ear. Betty explains that she works at Mode, and would have to give Mode right of first refusal. This gives her temporary reprieve from the jam that she's in, but not from her conscience.
Meanwhile, Wili tells Amanda that if you drop a penny and a blonde receptionist from the twenty-eighth floor, they both hit the ground at the same time. She believes it's called "terminal velocity." Has Henry been tutoring her too? Amanda hands the photo over to Wili, who thought she had destroyed all evidence of Wanda. Amanda explains that she found the photo because she's looking for her real father. And then, Wili gives us my favorite line of the episode: "Even if I wanted to express sympathy, I physically can't." Amanda starts to leave, but turns and says that, according to the date on the photos, Wili was Fey's assistant during Fey's pregnancy. She says that Wili is her last hope, and asks if she knows who her father is. Wili says, "April 26, 1981. Studio 54. It was the early days of glam-rock fashion, Liza's between husbands, and the party celebrating Fey's first issue of Mode is in full swing." Wili lost Fey for a moment but followed her distinctive laugh to a room where she discovered Fey making it with a fellow who had Tweety Bird tattooed on his ass. To think of the things that wide-eyed little bird must have seen. When Fey started puking up her breakfast, she was thrilled, until she realized she was pregnant. In exchange for Wili's secrecy, Fey agreed to pay for her transformation from mousy assistant Wanda into supermodel Wilhelmina. And now, Betty's trajectory becomes clear. Wili, however, doesn't know who Amanda's father is. She notes that she's done a lot to put Wanda behind her, and Amanda says that Wili's secret's safe with her. After she leaves, Wili spouts, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall..." No, wait, wrong dastardly villainess. She says, in a really scary way, that she put her blood, sweat, and old nose into this place, and that if she can't have Mode, nobody can.
And then, Wili begins her path of evil. More evil. She tells Daniel she approves of him losing the Atlantic Attire account. Mode has dozens of other loyal advertisers, and she and Daniel and Alexis are about to become family. And family sticks together. By this, she means she's going to superglue Daniel and Alexis together and set them on fire.
Daniel tells the Beek the Bigot to shove off. Wili gives him a supportive, yet underlyingly evil, smile.
Henry fills Betty in on his tutoring plans. He really loves Algebra. "Catch you later, calculator!" he says. And then Betty meets a mean-looking pregnant lady in a flannel. Oh, and did I mention that said lady has a chewed-up ear? Oh yeah, it is on.
When we return from commercials, the jig is up. It actually looks like Betty might soon be able to write a story about getting mauled by a freelance writer. She starts to explain to Bear Bait what happened, but Daniel comes in and takes the fall. He says it was his mistake that the article got sent to New York Review with Betty's name on it, and that Mode can't pass up the story. He offers her double her fee for it. Bear Nachos takes it, and Betty is off the hook. And seriously, it's about time Daniel saved Betty's ass. He still owes her, like, forty-two more ass-savings, but this is a good start.
Meanwhile, Henry shows up to his tutoring gig, only to find Justin making out! With a girl! Henry is shocked, and even more so to learn that they're drinking beer -- a gateway drug. Justin yells, "Back off, you're not my dad!," and rushes to his room. Where's Hilda?
Daniel gives Betty a good talking-to, and she lets him in on the fact that everyone knows about his fake-smile thumbs-up bit. He's surprised to learn that she did this because he didn't like her story, and wonders why his opinion means so much to her. He starts doing that "poor me" bit, and she starts doing that, "No, you DO deserve to be the editor-in-chief of Mode" bit, and finally realizes that this pep talk is supposed to be for her. Daniel tells Betty that it's okay to make mistakes; you just have to learn from them. He knows he does.
In other heartwarming news, Wili drops off the guest list from Studio 54 to Amanda, noting that she was a good assistant. She adds that Fey quit smoking during her pregnancy...eventually. And if that doesn't say love, what does? Commercials.
When we return, Alexis tells Daniel that he's the best brother in the world for standing up for her with the Beek. She adds that he's been taking care of her since the accident, which revs up Daniel's guilt engine. He admits that the accident is his fault, since he was drunk and spun out on pills, and Alexis was speeding to get him to the hospital. Too bad he didn't know about the whole Alexis-cutting-the-brakes-to-try-to-murder-Bradford bit. Alexis says that it was just an accident, and hugs Daniel.
Meanwhile, potential Amanda daddy candidates include Ted Kennedy, Warren Beatty, and Ricardo Montalban. Oh my God, I bet it was Herve Villechaize! Amanda is determined to look at every one of their asses until she finds Tweety.
Elsewhere, Marc rushes in to Wili's office to let her know the rumor mill is swirling with news of the lost Atlantic Attire account. Now a bunch of other advertisers are considering pulling out because they think Mode is in trouble. And guess who started that rumor? Yes, it was Wili née Wanda! Because if anything should happen to Mode, there would be room at Meade Publications for...Slater magazine. Wili turns her secret wall to reveal a mockup, causing Marc to say, "Holy Rosie Oprah Martha." It will rise like a phoenix from the ashes of Mode, and of the old Wanda 'fro. Wili has the wonkiest eye I've ever seen as she burns the last remaining Wanda photo.
Meanwhile, back at Casa de Suarez, Henry freaks out to Betty about Justin's doings. Betty tells him to stop, saying that this is Hilda's responsibility. He says that he should know what to do, and he doesn't. And why does he need to know? Because he's going to be a father. Yep, as you'll see on tomorrow's Maury, the baby is Henry's. He's known for a couple of days, but didn't tell Betty because as long as she didn't know, he could hang on to the fantasy of true dork love. Betty tells him to go. Well, that's what happens when you knock someone else up. Tough love, Henry.
Back in her writing class, Betty admits that she lied about the bear story, and begins to read "Queen of My Own Prom." She is so going to fail that class.
week: Claire maybe takes out Wili.