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Betty, it turns out, is one of those people who decorates her work station with all kinds of charming, cutesy tchotchkes, one of which is a stuffed pink bunny that suffers all kinds of abuse at the hands of the Mode staffers. The other inanimate object that suffers this week is The Book -- the hard copy of the magazine that the EIC gets every night for notes. See, Betty takes it home for safe-keeping, and Gina The Slutty Neighbor steals it and holds it for ransom. There's a whole lot of self-blame from Betty for letting it be stolen, and from Daniel for leaving it behind at the office in the first place. They both think about quitting (he, actually, just decides to leave the country) but manage -- surprise, surprise! -- to band together as a team and come out the better for it. They get a little help from the cover girl, a teen actress who hasn't lost the weight she gained for a role, and whose unretouched photos were lost along with The Book. Instead of freaking, as anticipated, she decides to go with the pictures as they are, because she's sick of normal people being made to feel ugly by the industry. Good for her. The Book eventually turns up safe and sound (Wilhelmina's team of spies had tipped her off to its whereabouts, and she had Evil Marc take the torturous trek to Queens to fetch it), and Daniel and Betty live to work another day. In other news, Non-Dead Fey Sommers places a very mysterious call to Daniel, telling him to investigate his father a little more closely, just as Bradford breaks into Fey's old apartment and starts burning items he feels might be incriminating. It is implied that he arranged for her "death." But who hasn't done that from time to time? Want more? The full recap starts right below!
We open at Mode, where Betty -- who's never met a sweater vest she didn't like -- looks way happier to be at work than anyone has a right to be. She carries a box to her desk, and begins to unpack it, which is when we learn that she is one of those people who decorates her desk with little cutesy plaques and whatnot. Back in the dark ages, I worked at a large insurance brokerage, writing marketing copy, and there was a woman on my floor whose desk was covered in Jesus. Little ceramic Jesus on the cross. Little plastic Jesus escorting small plastic children and several small plastic lambs through a field. Jesus everywhere. Now, I have no complaint with Jesus, and I certainly did ask God to help me to refrain from killing certain co-workers during my time there, but the Landscape o' the Lord always seemed a bit inappropriate in the workplace to me. I just put up big pictures of half-naked dudes in my cube. The object getting Betty's place of honor is a bright pink bunny in a graduation cap, holding a diploma. It seems that the entire office is watching Betty decorate her desk, but only Evil Marc comes up to her. "Great bunny," he says. Betty smiles broadly and tells him that her sister gave it to her when she graduated from Queens College. "One of America's best value colleges!" Marc squeals. "Yep! That's the one," Betty tells him. It's apparently also the only college in America where the students aren't well-versed in the concept of sarcasm. Betty tells Evil Marc that her bunny is a good-luck charm. "Well, kudos," says Marc, adding that he applauds her effort at "personalizing her desk": it's "so [her]." Evil Marc's smiling at Betty when Wilhelmina barks for him, and his face falls. "I have to go," he tells Betty.
In his office, Daniel is talking to someone on the phone. "It was an amazing night for me, too," he tells her, and swears that he'l call her very, very soon. He then hangs up and says to himself, "I have no idea who that was." It is a tribute to Eric Mabius that I still find Daniel charming despite the fact that he's That Guy. Betty pops her head into his office and cheerfully offers to get him some coffee. Instead, he reads her an item from Page Six, in which she is quoted as confirming that he wore a certain designer's shoes to an event. It turns out that although he did wear them, that particular designer is notorious for using sweatshops. Daniel needs Betty to be more careful when she's talking to the press. Like Page Six gives a shit what men are wearing to events. I suspect they care who's getting into his pants, rather than whose pants he's wearing. Daniel mentions that he's got "the Natalie Whitman meeting" later, and Betty squeals. She loves Natalie Whitman! Her "Jenna Fletcher" movies are Betty's favorite: "I love her catchphrase: 'You do the math!'" Betty wonders if Daniel is aware that Natalie -- or, as we know her, Renée Zellweger -- gains thirty pounds every time she plays Jenna Fletcher/Bridget Jones. Daniel is well aware of this. It seems, in fact, that Natalie has been unable to lose the weight this time. I wish old Squinty McBulimiaFace Zellweger had that problem. Although, speaking of old Renée Zellweger, where the hell has she been lately? Maybe the stress of people calling her Squinty McBulimiaFace has turned her into a shut-in. Sorry about that, Renée. Daniel invites Betty to come to the meeting, and she's thrilled. "Remember, you and me? We're a team," Daniel reminds her. And then he orders her to fetch him some coffee.
Goody, it's time for FashionTV! This time, the host is a wry blonde girl, who I believe was in the British version of The Office. ["True -- that's Lucy Davis, the British Pam." -- Wing Chun] She basically recaps everything that was exposited last week, wondering if Wilhelmina has gotten over "the HUMILIATION of being passed over for the boss's son." She then recaps Daniel's ascent to the EIC role, hilariously calling him "the slutty son of scion Bradford Meade," and reminding us that former EIC Fey Sommers was killed in a car crash. Which is, in FashionTV parlance, a "hot, hot death." It seems Fey lost control of her car while she was being chased by angry animal-rights activists. Like Princess Diana, but with more vegans.
Daniel goes to visit his father's office to check in. He tells Bradford that everything is going beautifully: his first issue goes to press tomorrow, with Natalie Whitman as the featured layout. "You do the math," Bradford catchphrases. Daniel looks surprised that his father is keeping up with chick flicks, but doesn't get the chance to say anything, because his father yaps at him that he needs to do really well with Mode if he ever wants to inherit Bradford's gig: "Have you been given The Book?" Daniel looks blank. "Which book are you referring to, exactly?" he asks. "Editor in Chief for Dummies," Bradford snaps, before explaining that The Book is the mock-up of the magazine in its entirety, which the EIC is supposed to take home every night, in order to give notes on it. "The person who controls The Book controls the magazine," Bradford concludes. The person controlling it right now, of course, is Wilhelmina. Daniel just looks blank. Bradford stresses that Daniel has to control the book. "The Book is your responsibility." Got that? The Book = Important.
Cut to the Natalie Whitman meeting, where Daniel, Betty, Wilhelmina, and Evil Marc are observing as one of Mode's graphic artists Photoshops the Natalie Whitman photo shoot under the watchful eye of Natalie herself, along with her PR flack. They're really doing this the day before they go to press? I find that hard to believe. The graphics girl makes a ton of changes, including reducing Natalie's hips about 15%. "At LEAST," the flack directs. Natalie looks moderately uncomfortable, and Betty seems horrified. Flack assures Natalie that she's going to look amazing, but Natalie didn't think she looked all that bad to begin with: "I thought I looked --" "Normal?" Wilhelmina sneers. She explains that if this were any other magazine, "normal" would be fine, but that Mode is not about looking normal. It is "aspirational." Natalie turns to Betty and asks her what she -- the REALLY normal-looking one -- thinks. Betty begins to say something, but is silenced by a look from Daniel, who leaps in and tells Natalie that she needs to take this opportunity to take what's hot (normal Natalie), and make it "SUPER-hot" (Photoshopped Natalie). The Flack takes this moment to call Natalie's skinnifacation a "très good career move," since they're still trying to land her Two Million Dollar Baby. Finally, Natalie gives up, and tells them to do their thing. Wilhelmina directs the Graphic Artist to put the finished version in The Book: "And, by the way, why have I not yet seen any sort of concept on that Beyoncé Pyromania spread we talked about?" At this moment, Daniel steps in and announces that he wants to see The Book as well. He needs to start seeing The Book every night, in fact. Wilhelmina sniffs that he probably doesn't really have time for that. He should delegate it. To her. Everyone in the room is watching this face-off with great interest. "Wilhelmina," Daniel says firmly. "Certain things fall under my purview. The Book is one of them. So from now on, I'm going to start receiving The Book every night." I have to admit, that was sort of hot. Apparently, I just want someone to boss me around. But don't tell anyone. I have to maintain some kind of cred. Wilhelmina sees no way out of this. "As you wish," she finally trills.
When Daniel and Betty go back to his office, she congratulates him on being so "strong and editorial" in the meeting. (Although she doesn't mean it in the sexual and inappropriate way that, um, I just did.) Daniel reiterates that The Book really is his responsibility: "You know that scene in the movies where the guy is on the plane and he's handcuffed to the briefcase?" Betty wrinkles her brow: "You want to handcuff yourself to the book?" "No. It's a metaphor," he tells her, and then says that she needs to learn to go with "the vibe" in meetings when asked for her opinion. Even if she doesn't agree. Because it's best for the magazine. I doubt this will actually happen, because if Betty doesn't speak up every week, how else will we learn our warm and fuzzy lesson? Daniel then sends Betty back to the conference room to get his PDA. This may be foreshadowing that Daniel is unable to keep track of anything he owns, or it may simply be a way to get Betty out of that scene. We will never know. At any rate, on the way there, Betty notices that her bunny isn't on her desk anymore. "Has anyone seen my bunny?" she calls out. Her co-workers look blank. "Bunny" is starting to sound like a euphemism for something dirtier, but I know this show isn't like that. It's on at the family hour, after all. Well, except for the blowjob scene last week.
Over in her office, Wilhelmina is complaining about Daniel while Evil Marc gives her a foot rub. He really is a good assistant. Why didn't I ever make my assistant do that, back when I had one? Wilhelmina decides that they ought to give Daniel The Book, all right, but with the unretouched Natalie Whitman pictures in there. She doesn't think Daniel will notice the error, and when he signs off on it and the magazine goes to print like that, the shit will hit the fan. "Mode in chaos, and you'll be the only guiding light left to lead the magazine out!" Evil Marc summarizes. "ÜBER-clever!" Wilhelmina thanks Evil Marc for his support and tells him to focus on her arches.
Betty, who must have walked REALLY slowly to the conference room, finally gets there, and sees that Natalie Whitman is still there, abandoned by her PR Flack. She's playing with the computer, resizing her own photo until she disappears. The Sad Music of Low Self-Esteem wails, and Betty looks sympathetic. You see, she understands what it is like To Be Fatter Than A Supermodel, and lo, that is painful indeed. I mean, so I've heard.
Meade Café. Betty has microwaved a plate of empanadas. All the Mode-ys (Modeys? Modies? Mode-ites?) seem totally grossed out by the smell -- all except for Betty's Lunch Table of Normalcy with Christina and Zelda and Nancy. I don't know which is Zelda, and which is Nancy, but one of them -- the mealy-mouthed, stringy-haired one -- just announced that she is a vegan. I'm going to decide that the vegan is Nancy, simply because I used to know a vegan named Nancy. Anyway. Christina asks Betty how much retouching they did on "Miss You Do The Math," and Betty rolls her eyes that they have no idea. Zelda cracks that if the Photoshop wizards got hold of her, she'd come out looking "like a pre-crack Whitney." Betty thinks Natalie looked great just the way she is, but Christina reminds her that they're not in the business of selling "just the way you are." She sighs that "perfection sells fashion. It's all fake and unobtainable, but no one seems to get it." Enter Amanda, who wants to know if Betty is trying to suffocate them with "that putrid smell." She's mid-nose wrinkle when Natalie Whitman comes up, complaining about the café's "non-caloric spacefood," and nabbing herself an empanada. There is a lot I can chalk up to artistic license in this show, but I find it hard to believe that Natalie, were she stuck at Modeduring lunch, for some reason, couldn't have someone run out and fetch her whatever she wanted to eat. Nevertheless, she comments to Betty that Natalie might was well eat all those empanadas, since they're going to Photoshop her down to Nicole Richie-size anyway. At this, Amanda bursts into fake, braying laughter. Natalie ignores her, and takes a seat at Betty's table. Amanda sinks into a seat behind them, presumably to eavesdrop. "So how do you guys put up with working here?" Natalie asks. Because Hollywood is full of totally normal women with no body issues at all and this obsession with her weight is something she's never faced on the West Coast. I really do enjoy this show, and I know it's not supposed to be realistic at all, but I'm so sure Natalie hasn't already had to deal with seeing herself on the cover of Star magazine under the headline, "IS SHE PREGNANT?," with her beer belly circled in pink.
Cut to Fey Sommers's Lair of Secret Recuperation. Wilhelmina tells Fey that she assumed Bradford was behind Fey's hot, hot non-death, but that she doesn't know how to prove it. Once he's in jail, though, they can take over the company! Wilhelmina is a moron if she thinks Fey has any plan other than to use Wilhelmina to get her job back. Fey notes that they have to get rid of Daniel, too.
Speaking of Bradford, he's meeting with Mysterious Leatherman on their Park Bench of Great Mystery. It seems that Fey's "estate" is having an estate sale. Why is she letting them get rid of all her stuff? If I am pretending to be dead, I am going to direct my henchmen to stall on that. Bradford sighs that he'll never be rid of Fey. "Who knew you hated Fey Sommers that much?" Mysterious Leatherman wonders aloud. "Who said I hated her?" Bradford retorts, and then announces that he's going to use his key to let himself into Fey's apartment to snoop around for anything that could incriminate him. I have no idea where this story is going. That's a good thing.
Mode. Betty gets an email. The photo attached to it seems to imply that her pink bunny is being tortured. I feel like there's a Fatal Attraction joke here somewhere; I just can't find it. She's worrying about this -- the torture, not my missing joke -- when Evil Marc comes over with The Book for Daniel. He puts it right on Daniel's desk, and tells the man himself that Wilhelmina would like him to pay close attention to "the fanny pack article"; she's not sure they're hitting the right emotional arc, yet. You laugh, but people are emotional about fanny packs. They certainly make me cry. Daniel thanks Evil Marc, who leaves.
Daniel is flipping through The Book when Amanda comes in and tells him that Wilhelmina's office gave her two tickets to Pagliacci at the Met. She implies that she'll totally fool around with him in the box -- okay, she doesn't "imply" as much as "tell him" -- and Daniel's penis overrules his brain, and he leaves the office with her, abandoning The Book on his desk. As they leave, Betty asks if they need anything else. Amanda tells Betty just to keep working: "A little more overtime and you can afford Invisaligns." Betty touches her braces self-consciously as Daniel and Amanda take off, and then goes into Daniel's office to straighten up. She finds The Book on his desk, and calls him to find out if he wants her to take it home for safekeeping or whatever, but of course, she gets the voicemail. As she's leaving her message, she notices that there's a really creepy dude cleaning the windows in Reception, and makes the executive decision to take The Book home with her.
Telenovela time: this week, we've got a maid making out with a priest. Awesome. He is literally holding a Bible while sucking her face. She hauls off and slaps him when they come up for air, and then rubs her pregnant belly. "I am naming him after his father, FATHER!" she yells. He crosses himself, and they start to make out again. That is brilliant.
At Casa Suarez, Papa Suarez is deep in this drama, while Justin reads and Betty tells them all about Natalie Whitman. "Never heard of her," Papa says. "HELLO! From the Jenna Fletcher movies? 'You do the math!'" Justin says. This doesn't seem to ring a bell with Suarez Sr. Betty is straightening up the living room, and takes The Book out of this really loud woven knapsack. Justin is simultaneously thrilled and appalled that Betty has The Book. Betty can't believe he even knows what The Book is. Justin reminds her that he "saw Prada, like, seven times." He flips right to the masthead, and finds her name. Which is spelled "Betsy." Betty is taking this in when Hilda comes home after a long day shilling Herbalux. "No matter how many times I explain it, no one has a freaking clue what an antioxidant is," she complains, and hands Betty a package she found on the stoop. It's a gift from Walter: batteries. Betty sniffs that "Prince Charming is really going the extra mile." Hilda tells her to give the poor boy a break: "Walter cares for you." Really? Because to me, a gift of nine-volt batteries from your ex just says, "Enjoy the extra juice for your vibrator. You're going to need it without me." ["Nine-volts, though? What do they even go in other than smoke detectors? Hook a girl up with some double-As she might actually use, damn." -- Wing Chun] Betty says that Walter should have thought about how much he cares about her before he LEFT HER for Gina. This is, I think, a good point. Betty finally distracts Hilda with The Book, and the whole family flips though it for a bit. Papa Suarez thinks that they "need to get some Latinas" in the editorial, to give things "a little flavor." Justin turns to the Natalie Whitman spread and lets out a disgusted "ewwwww, Natalie Whitman is still fat!" Betty is impressed that Daniel decided to go with the non-Photoshopped pics after all. She thinks this is great! Justin thinks it's awful.
A knock comes at the Suarezes' door; it's their Trashy Neighbor Gina, who wants $4000 to replace the plasma TV Betty broke in her hissyfit over Walter last week. Betty implies that a smashed TV is what Gina gets for stealing Walter away from her. They sort of get into it, and Hilda finally steps in, threatening to smack Gina with The Book. Betty begs her sister to be careful with The Book -- which is covered with stickers that say things like "CONFIDENTIAL" and "PROPERTY OF MODE" all over it -- and tells Gina to leave. Gina eyes The Book thoughtfully and reminds Betty that she did a year in juvie. She's a bad seed. And with that warning, Gina storms out. Hilda yelps that she wants to kick Gina's ass, just as her father comes back into the living room. "Did I miss something on the telenovela?" he asks.
Later that night. Fey Sommers's apartment. Bradford lets himself in and goes through her stuff. As he sneaks around there...
...Gina breaks into the Suarez residence.
Bradford finds a music box, which he opens. While he sticks it into a knapsack...
...Gina steals The Book.
The morning, Betty comes down the stairs, removing her curlers. She makes a horrified face when she realizes that The Book is gone.
After the ads, Betty is tearing the house apart looking for The Book. Trash is strewn all over the kitchen floor. (I would like to take a brief moment to comment that the Suarezes have a great pistachio-green vintage fridge.) Papa -- after looking at the mess and commenting that this is why he doesn't want to get a dog -- points out that surely there are computer backups of everything in The Book, so how could this be such a big deal? ["Good point, Papi!" -- Wing Chun] Justin wanders into the kitchen and asks what's going on. "She lost The Book," Hilda tells him, and he gasps incredibly dramatically and covers his face with his hands. This reaction appears to bring home the severity of the issue for the rest of the family; Hilda runs off to look in the living room, and Papa -- because he finally believes it's a crisis --starts to cook.
In the other room, Hilda has found something. It's not The Book so much as a ransom note from Gina. She wants the money for her TV. Betty looks horrified. Hilda turns to her son and tells him to put his headphones on and, as soon as she knows Justin can't hear her, spits, "THAT BITCH." Betty and Hilda are infuriated by this. I hate to say it -- and I certainly don't think Gina should have stolen The Book -- but Betty did break Gina's TV. She kind of does owe her a new one. I mean, Walter is the one who broke up with her. He didn't even cheat on her, as far as we know. Now, they might have broken up because of Gina, but that doesn't mean that Gina deserves to have her TV broken. You just can't go breaking people's TVs, is what I'm saying. Won't someone respect the sanctity of the flatscreen? ["Whoever installed that shit -- Walter, presumably -- should have hung it more securely so that it could survive the kinds of dramatic door-slammings that are apparently commonplace in Queens." -- Wing Chun]
Over at Daniel's, Amanda comes out of the bathroom and coos, "If that showerhead could pay my bills, I would marry it." I don't think that's a comment on how clean her hair turned out, if you know what I mean. I would be more explicit, but I have a One Masturbation Joke Per Recap limit. Amanda crawls over to Daniel as he listens to his voicemail. He freaks out when he hears that Betty took The Book home. "To QUEENS? Ew," Amanda says. Daniel calls Betty at home -- Mode doesn't give the EIC's assistant a cell phone? Doubtful -- where Betty and Hilda have a rapid, whispered argument over how to handle this. Betty thinks she needs to come clean with him. Hilda makes Justin put his headphones on again, and then advises her sister to lie, lie, lie. Over on Daniel's end of the phone, Amanda rubs herself all over him, and advises him to fire poor Betty: "Fire her right now. I would be such a better assistant." Daniel just tells her to go get dressed. "Okay, but I'm telling you, you're going to get it back and there's going to be chimichurri sauce all over it," says Amanda. So, Betty takes Hilda's advice and lies, telling Daniel that she's looking at the Natalie Whitman photos right now, and that she thinks it's really brave of him to use the unretouched ones. Daniel freaks out that The Book contains the original pictures, and tells her that if those photos get out, it would be DISASTROUS. He's sending a car for her right now!
After Betty hangs up the phone, Papa offers to call Gina's parents, while Hilda says she's going over there to "show her a WHOLE NEW USE for her curling iron." Dirty. Betty tells them both that she's an adult, and that she can handle this herself.
Cut to Betty's face plastered against Gina's doorjamb, begging her to please, please, please give The Book back. Gina slowly tortures Betty by ripping up the newspaper and pretending it's actually The Book. "Maybe you learned a lesson," Gina sneers. "No one screws with Gina Gambaro." Enter Hilda, from behind her. "Maybe YOU learned a lesson: Gina Gambaro should always latch her back door." Hilda unlatches the front and lets Betty in, and with that, it's catfight time! Betty looks for The Book while the other two girls scream and pull each other's hair. They're really getting into it when the town car arrives for Betty. She calls off the cavalry, but they can't extract their bracelets from each other's weaves. It's really very funny. Betty trudges off to her doom as Gina yelps that now they owe her for her f'ed-up extensions too. "Guess we owe you four thousand dollars and fifty cents," Hilda retorts. Oh, snap.
Meade Publishing. Daniel, going up to his office, tries frantically to close the elevator on Wilhelmina's face, but mechanics are against him, and she makes it in there with him. She appears to be wearing a white tulle curtain threaded through the first few buttons of her suit jacket as she wonders what he thought of The Book, reminding him that they have to go to press tonight. Daniel lies that he will be ready to give notes at their 10 AM meeting. Daniel, you adorable moron. You're the Editor-in-Chief. Just delay the meeting a couple of hours, and if anyone gives you grief, tell them to bite you. Overall, he tells Wilhelmina, he thinks the magazine looks good...except for those unretouched Natalie Whitman photos: "Lucky I caught that, huh?" He says he's surprised that she missed it. He notes that Wilhelmina is probably just reaching that age where she should start thinking about getting some glasses. "Happens to everyone," he smiles, walking out of the lift. Point to Daniel Meade.
In the Closet, Christina is on the phone with a sobbing Betty, who's being chauffeured to the office. Betty tells Christina the whole sad story, as Wilhelmina's driver/stooge eavesdrops. Oh, Betty. You fool. When you have to talk about things you've screwed up at the office -- or the co-workers you want to destroy -- everyone knows you do that standing outside, where you can see everyone who is close enough to overhear you. Haven't you ever watched spy movies? Betty mopes about this whole terrible mess, and threatens to quit again. I hope she doesn't do that every week. Suck it up, sweetpea. We've all had moments where we've screwed up to the point where we'd rather just quit than deal with it. It's called being a working adult. I mean, I feel her, but we can't have her threaten to quit every week. ["Yeah, JESSICA." -- Wing Chun] Mid-mope, Betty discovers a picture of her bunny stuck in the pocket on the back of the passenger seat. He is all tied up and being tortured. "Maybe I don't belong at Mode, and my Bunny is paying the price for it," Betty sighs into the phone. This non sequitur totally flummoxes Christina. Finally, Betty just decides to tell Daniel the truth. As she tells Christina this...
...the driver texts Wilhelmina that Betty has lost The Book. Wilhelmina, as you can imagine, is thrilled by this development. She is also wearing too much makeup.
Daniel paces his office and waits for Betty. Amanda sticks her head in the room and tells him that "Vampira" told her to tell Daniel that they're still waiting on his notes. Dude. Daniel. Flex your power. Act like the boss and postpone your meeting.
Enter Betty. "Not seeing The Book in your hands," Daniel says. Betty tells him that Gina Gambaro has it. "Gambaro? Is that a new designer?" Daniel asks, looking perplexed. "No, it's an OLD SLUT," Betty spits, before explaining the whole convoluted situation. Daniel, not surprisingly, isn't very pleased: "You don't lie to me. Ever! We're on the same team." And they are, in his words, royally screwed on the Natalie Whitman issue. "Why? Because there are pictures out there of what she actually looks like?" Betty asks. "Exactly!" Daniel says. He tells her to go downstairs, because they're heading for Queens. Betty reminds him about the 10 AM meeting, and he goes in there and DOESN'T tell everyone that he's busy and will give notes later, but instead tells them that he has no notes. Except, presumably, to swap out the Natalie Whitman photos. Why doesn't he tell them to get started on that? Anyway, Wilhelmina, knowing that he's Bookless, announces that SHE needs The Book back so that she can give her notes. Daniel sputters that, um, he needs to look at The Book one more time. Just...in case. He'll see them all in three hours! "Great to see everyone! Jeff, how's the wife?" Daniel chirps as he bolts for the door. Jeff sadly announces that they're separating. "Great to hear it," Daniel sings, and books out of there. No pun intended.
Meanwhile, Betty finds a picture of her precious bunny in the toilet. The bunny is in the toilet, not the picture. Nor does she find the picture in the toilet. The picture is on her desk. Oh, you know what I mean. Enraged, Betty climbs on her chair, Norma Rae-style, and demands to know who, exactly, thinks this is so funny. Everyone around her raises his or her hand. Betty announces that they're not going to break her that easily, and then runs out to Queens with Daniel....
...where they discover that someone has already paid Gina's ransom for The Book. DUM DUM DUM DUM.
After the ads, Gina is describing for Daniel the person who took The Book, while Walter -- who is installing Gina's new plasma TV -- is promising Betty that he's just there to work. He doesn't even LIKE Gina anymore. Betty doesn't care, and she wasn't that thrilled by his gift, she tells him. Walter looks hangdog: "Don't you remember? When we first started dating? And you stopped by ProBuy? I was doing shipping and receiving? And you bought a box of nine-volts? It was the first time we kissed? And you said, 'Be careful.'" Betty smiles and finishes his thought: "'We're gonna cause a spark.' Yeah." Aw. Dork love. Daniel comes over and interrupts this tender moment: he and Betty need to go figure out who has the damn Book. Walter finally turns on the new TV, which is helpfully tuned to the FashionTV channel: The news of the lost Book has leaked already. Blondie Anchor tells us all that The Book is full of "horrifying unretouched photos of Natalie Whitman, still carrying her Jenna Fletcher weight like an albatross." Blondie promises the viewing audience that when those pictures turn up, FashionTV will immediately broadcast them: "Remember, we only make others feel bad to make YOU feel good." Hear, hear!
Why, it seems that, over at Mode, The Book has turned up. Apparently, Wilhelmina sent Evil Marc all the way out to Queens to get it. Amusingly, he went in disguise: a burnt orange velour tracksuit. I adore Evil Marc. I just want to go shopping with him and make fun of people together. For example, he characterizes Queens as "the lost city of Hootchieville," which is unkind and actually untrue, but hilarious, and that's all I care about. I'm probably already going to hell anyway for that vibrator joke way back there. Evil Marc assures Wilhelmina that Gina went right for the cash: "Poor unemployed thing couldn't bear to miss another episode of Tyra." Heh. As Wilhelmina and Marc congratulate themselves on this coup, they remind us yet again that this scandal will make Daniel look totally incompetent, so that they can swoop in. It seems this show is not too terribly complex.
In the Town Car on the way home from Queens, Daniel wonders if he could get away with saying that someone mugged him for The Book. Betty could smash him across the face with a golf club. ["That reminds me of a girl I knew in high school who threw a huge party when her parents were out of town, at which the banister at a flight of stairs broke. Rather than own up, she decided to tell her parents she'd broken it falling, and had a friend throw a dictionary at her arm to break it and sell the story. Daniel is as dumb as a high-school junior!" -- Wing Chun] Or Daniel could go to Paris and never come back! Or Rio! He should quit, he says. These two need to get a little more fight in their game. Don't give up, pumpkins. Wilhelmina is not all that smart, and there are two of you! Of course, she's got Evil Marc. He might be smarter than everyone. Betty suggests that Daniel just blame her for the whole thing. Yet again, kids: sack up. Neither of you is out of this yet. Am I going to have to give inspirational pep talks to you every week, in the manner of a football coach with a second-half team? Daniel looks thoughtful, and tells the driver to take them back toMode.
When they get back, somehow Daniel ends up in a meeting where Natalie Whitman's PR Flack is screaming about the unretouched photos, calling the entire scenario "Mel Gibson bad." He screams and shrieks, but Natalie just wants to know how it happened. Daniel hems and haws and promises her that they're doing everything they can to find The Book. Natalie sighs, and tells her PR dude to just chill out and come up with a solution. He doesn't think she understands the severity of the situation, and yells, "NO ONE WANTS TO HIRE A FATTY." I suspect that is actually probably true. Outside, Betty eavesdrops on this and looks sad. She walks past the conference room and over to Amanda, who likens this situation with The Book to ritualistic Japanese suicide. "Seppuku," Betty tells her. "Like the beer?" Amanda asks. Betty just looks at her. "Rather than live with the shame of this screwup, wouldn't you rather just quit?" Amanda offers, as she hands over a box of Betty's already packed belongings, her abused bunny sitting right on top. Betty takes it, and sweetly says that Amanda really DOES belong at Mode, and that she truly hopes Amanda gets everything he deserves. Aw, look. Our little girl has learned something from Evil Marc after all: insincerity. Amanda just thanks her sweetly.
So Betty and her Box of Sadness get on the elevator with an unescorted Natalie Whitman. I am so sure. Would it surprise you to learn that Betty takes the blame for the photo screwup, that she tells Natalie that the unretouched photos were beautiful, and that Natalie appears touched and moved by this? Me neither.
So, after the ads, Daniel is talking to Bradford, taking the blame for losing The Book. He calls himself "careless" and "stupid," and rather than getting angry, Bradford is pleased by his son's honestly. Right on cue, Natalie Whitman comes strolling in and tells Daniel that he can't fire his "wonderful assistant," because Betty inspired a solution to this entire problem.
Over at Wilhelmina's office, the lady herself gets Bradford on the phone, and tells him she has found The Book and the proofs. She's very proud of herself for about a minute. "What do you mean, it doesn't matter?" she says into the phone. It seems that Natalie Whitman has informed the press that she's allowing Mode to publish her photos without the benefit of Photoshop. She told FashionTV that she wants to "put a spotlight on the hypocrisy of the business." As you can imagine, Wilhelmina is less than pleased with this development. On FashionTV, Blondie wonders if this could be the beginning of a newer, nicer Mode. "God help us all," she says. I wouldn't worry about that yet.
Moments later, Daniel comes swaggering into Wilhelmina's office. She tells him that she has good news: someone dropped off The Book, anonymously. Daniel takes The Book back from her and tells her that it will never be out of his sight again. He wishes her and Evil Marc a very cheery goodnight. "BASTARD," Wilhelmina hisses after him.
Over at her desk, Betty types away. Christina brings her a patched-together bunny, and a bag. Betty thanks her...
...and goes in to see Daniel, who is legitimately going through The Book. He points at her name on the masthead: he caught and corrected the misspelling. Betty repays him by handing him the bag, which contains a pair of shoes. They're sweatshop-free, and very comfortable, she tells him. He thanks her and sends her home. I have to say, I really like these two. They're believable as people who have fondness for each other, but don't want to sleep with one another, which is unusual on television for a male/female pair. We'll see how long it lasts.
Betty walks past Amanda on her way out. Betty stops to say goodbye, and tells Amanda that, although she and her bunny are a little the worse for wear, they're at Mode and they're staying: "And it's gonna take a hell of a lot more to get rid of either one of us. Goodnight!" Amanda makes a face as the elevator doors close on her rival. "Whatever! I'm still prettier," she spits.
Daniel, in his office, keeps on working. His phone rings. "It's amazing how little we know about the people we love. Your father, for instance," says the person on the other line. "What? Who is this?" Daniel asks. "He's a man of many, many secrets, Daniel. Dig a little deeper. You may find he's capable of practically anything." Daniel looks thoughtful, as we cut to...
...Bradford, burning a photo of himself and Fey. He opens the mysterious music box once more, and looks thoughtful as we fade out. I'd be more intrigued if I hadn't already recapped a show where the protagonist's father had him probed by aliens (or something), gave his partner cancer (for a little while, anyway), and sold the entire human race into slavery to our alien overlords (I think). I really don't think any of that is going to happen here.