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First things first: Betty is totally not ugly. Despite being kitted out with an unfortunate hair-do, terrible braces and wretched fashion sense, she's still pretty darn cute. That being said, she doesn't exactly fit in at Mode Magazine, where she's been hired as the assistant to the editor-in-chief simply because the owner of said company doesn't want said editor -- his son -- to sleep with his assistant. Again. Of course, Daniel, the aforementioned horny editor-in-chief, spends forty-five minutes trying to humiliate Betty into quitting, only to be eventually won over by her pluck, her smarts, and the clever editorial campaign she comes up with for a Donatella Versace-esque Gina Gershon. Not much else happens in this episode other than setting up the people and players at Mode: we've got Alan Dale as the crotchety, shady owner; Vanessa Williams as the highly-placed magazine staffer/Botox addict who got passed over for the EIC job and thus is out for Daniel's blood; a charming Scottish girl who works in the magazine's closet, and befriends our heroine; the possibility that the allegedly dead, Anna Wintour-y, former editor-in-chief of Mode is actually being kept alive by Vanessa Williams in a garret somewhere, for unclear but obviously nefarious purposes; Betty's charming family, including an adorable nephew who is clearly gearing up to be her main gay; and, finally, Salma Hayek making kind of hilarious cameo appearances in a telenovela Betty's sister watches. Any show that allows Salma Hayek to threaten a guy with a gun, get slapped, and then make out with him is okay by me. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
We fade up on our heroine's round little face, as she sits and fidgets in the very grand lobby of Meade Publishing. I know we're supposed to think she's ugly -- hence the title -- but America Ferrera is totally cute. She just needs to get rid of the braces. And get a better haircut. And some cuter glasses. And some lipstick. Basically, she needs to be featured on this reality show that my friend Grant and I invented about three years ago, called Subtle Makeover. You know, it's just like Extreme Makeover, except at the end, everyone at the reveal is all like, "Did you get new glasses?" and the Makeover goes, "No! I just got bangs!" Anyway, Betty sits and fidgets, and then looks up and smiles, and moves over to make room, on the bench she's commandeered, for a tall, model-y type. "I like your poncho," Betty tells her. "My dad got me one in Guadalajara." The model sniffs dismissively: "Milan. Dolce and Gabbana. Fall."
Before Betty can respond, a suit calls her name, and she gets up for what I presume is a job interview. Her suit, I have to tell you, is not THAT terrible. It's very '80s, kind of a tweedy pink Chanel-y knockoff, and the skirt needs hemming ["and the jacket was a bit small" -- Wing Chun], but it's kind of retro and could be fun if the skirt were shorter, and if the whole thing were appropriately accessorized. Unfortunately, it clashes terribly with her shirt, and she looks totally fussy and dated. I do like her "B" necklace. Patricia Field, who did Sex and the City, is the costume designer for this show as well, and she apparently loves iconic necklaces. I do wonder if she's been reading Anne Boleyn biographies, or if it's just coincidental that Betty's necklace looks just like the one Anne Boleyn famously wore all the time. (I just read The Other Boleyn Girl, which makes much of the necklace, and I'm sure we'll see it in the movie version of the book. The book is quite good, by the way.) I don't know what Betty has in common with a woman whose powers of seduction induced a man to create an entirely new church so that he could marry her, and who was then accused of witchcraft (which may or may not have been true, but it was certainly convenient that her witchery was discovered when her husband wanted to marry her cousin), and who ended up getting her head lopped off, but not before giving birth to probably the most famous ruler England has ever had. I can't imagine there are going to be a lot of overlaps, but listen: no one loves a soap opera more than I do, so if Betty ends up in the Tower after allegedly nailing her gay brother to produce a male heir, I will be pleasantly surprised.
Anyway, the HR stooge who's watching Betty come his way is not thinking about fictionalized retellings of the lives of Henry VIII's wives, but rather about how he simply cannot hire a girl who looks like Betty. She's chattering about how she can give him a hard copy of her résumé, but he cuts her off and tells her that all their entry-level positions have been filled. It seems almost as though her unfortunate outfit has put him in a trance. "I'm sorry," he manages, and walks off. Betty -- because she's got moxie where her fashion sense should go -- chases after him, saying that, as long as she's got him there, maybe she could tell him a little bit about herself: "Magazines are my passion, ever since I was a kid, and I can't imagine a better place to start my career than Meade Publications." She says something else, but I can't remember what it is, because I am paying too much attention to how hideous her tweed handbag is. HR Stooge grabs Betty by the elbow, walks her back down the steps, and deposits her there. She turns around and follows him back up the stairs, explaining how Meade Publications publications have taught her all about, like, art, and political machinations in Darfur, and stuff. We pan up to Alan Dale (you may remember him as poor dead evil Cal on The O.C. It's nice to see him working. His presence on The O.C. was missed last season, almost as much as good writing was). He's watching from a balcony high above Betty, and I think her smarts may have just impressed him. The HR Stooge is not, however, so impressed, giving Betty a firm goodbye and pointedly slamming a door in her face, just as she's telling him that she types 100 words a minute. Betty looks dejected.
Cut to Salma Hayek, dressed as a maid, crying and wailing in Spanish, and waving a gun at some guy. The guy manages, in the space of about two seconds, both to disarm her and to make out with her. I don't need to tell you that he's also shirtless, do I? "I hate telenovelas. I want to watch FashionTV," says a small, totally gay boy, who we quickly learn is Betty's nephew, Justin. He turns from Salma, on the television, to his mother, in the dining room of a cozy, homey house. She tells him that he can watch FashionTV when Aunt Betty is babysitting. Because, it is implied, Mom actually really needs to find out what happens to Salma and the shirtless guy. As do I, frankly. "Come have some flan," she says. "I don't want flan. I'll get fat," he says, and I am in love with him already. His mother tells him he's a boy, and that it doesn't matter if he gets fat. Oh honey, you've clearly never been to West Hollywood. ["Or the sixty-three-year-old totally cut gay trainer at my gym." -- Wing Chun] Justin puts a flamboyant hand on his hip and rolls his eyes at Salma. His mother -- her name is Hilda, so let's just use it -- asks Betty whether she's ordered their father's birthday cake. "Of course," says Betty, coming into the dinning room. "Chocolate volcano. Same one I got last year." Everyone looks pleased, and Betty's father asks her about her interview. She hems and haws and lies that they were impressed. "You didn't get it," Hilda says, and Betty explains that they'd allegedly hired everyone they needed already. Each member of the Suarez family makes a disappointed face. Papa Suarez doesn't understand how such a smart, clever girl can be still unemployed. "Betty, have you thought about exploring other options?" Hilda asks pointedly. "Hilda, I am not going to sell Herbalux," Betty retorts. It is here that I notice that Hilda is wearing a giant Herbalux pin. "Well, I was not saying that. Necessarily," Hilda says, twirling her hand. That line was very well-delivered. Papa Suarez makes the obligatory speech about how this career is Betty's dream, but Hilda is bored. She waves her emery board in the air and says she heard that SOMEONE ELSE had some pretty big dreams too. She calls Justin into the dining room, and asks him to tell Betty what he overheard her boyfriend saying the other night. I believe Justin is Bedazzling a shirt, by the way. We're only like three minutes it, and I seriously could not love him more. Justin gossips that he overheard Walter talking on his cell phone, and saying, "She's the one." Everyone is all a-twitter about this, and Justin wants to know if Betty would marry Walter if he asked her. Betty stammers that they haven't talked about it yet. "Well, I think he's a catch," Hilda announces. "Flan?" Will someone please take this woman up on her flan already?
On cue, the doorbell rings, and Justin lets in a regular-looking dude bearing a television, which he gives to Betty. Apparently, the mute doesn't work, but other than that, the sound is awesome. And, presumably, loud. This is Walter. You've totally seen this actor before. He works all the time. I just saw him in the fine, fine film Little Black Book this weekend. I don't recommend Little Black Book, by the way, unless you're a fan of Brittany Murphy looking alarmingly underfed. Ron Livingston spends the entire time looking like he wanted to give her a sandwich. That said, Walter was decent in it. And now he wants to talk to Betty. Outside. In private. She seems both pleased and nervous, and follows him out to the stoop.
Romantic music swells as Walter and Betty go outside, but it's coming from Salma's telenovela, which Justin quickly changes to FashionTV.
It turns out that FashionTV is BRILLIANT. A sharply dressed man with a pronounced and possibly fake British accent is covering "the funeral services for Fey Sommers, the much loved -- AND HATED -- editor-in-chief of Mode magazine." Judging from FashionTV's stock footage, Fey is clearly Anna Wintour: same bob, same huge glasses, same love of fur. The chyron under the footage of Fey (who is covered in blood courtesy of a PETA ambush) reads: "Fey Sommers: 19??-2006." The Brit host dramatically explains that it was "the bitch-slap heard about the world when longtime Mode creative director Wilhelmina Slater [according to the FashionTV stock footage, Wilhelmina is played by Vanessa L. Williams] was passed over for the top spot in favor of Daniel Meade, NOMINALLY experienced son of Meade Publications owner Bradford Meade [aha! And that is the identity of Alan Dale]." Seriously, the delivery by our faux anchor is delicious. As is this form of exposition, I must say. "Can the notorious MANWHORE [here, we see photos of Daniel with a Gwyneth Paltrow lookalike, and a girl who looks like Cobie Smulders] translate his talent at bedding women into DRESSING THEM?" The anchor shoots us a wry, doubtful look. I want to recap that show.
Over in a penthouse office in Manhattan, Daniel appears to be very, very relaxed -- maybe even sleeping -- in his desk chair. I do not, however, think he's sleeping. I think he's...enjoying the oral ministrations of a companion under his desk. Ahem. He snaps to attention when Bradford comes in and asks if he can have a few minutes. Well, technically, he's not giving his father his full attention, since he's still distracted by the company he's got under his desk, if you know what I mean. Bradford looks around the office and spots a pair of pink lace panties hanging off an orchid. "Interesting decorating motif," he notes dryly. Well, it is a fashion magazine. Daniel sighs and tells his lady friend to come out. She crawls out from under his desk -- holding a pen -- and he introduces her to Bradford as his new assistant. Bradford sneers, "I'm sorry to interrupt your....DICATATION. But this is not how you run a magazine." Daniel responds by looking sort of flustered, but also cute. I suspect he still not have the required amount of blood in his brain.
Queens. Betty, sitting on the stoop with Walter, looks not at all like a girl who's just received a proposal of marriage. In fact, Walter is telling her that he's in love with someone else: Betty's -door neighbor, Gina. Well, that's awkward. "Good luck, Betty. With everything," Walter concludes. She rebuffs his attempt to kiss her cheek, and he leaves. Poor Betty. She's not having a very good day.
So Betty goes to comfort herself by eating flan out of the baking dish. At last, that flan's getting some love. Justin comes in and asks if she's feeling any better. "I'm fine," Betty mopes through a mouthful of custard. The phone rings: it's some guy from Meade. Sit down, kids: they want Betty to start working there tomorrow. "What magazine is this for? Mode?" Betty says into the phone. to her, Justin mouths, "MODE!" He looks totally thrilled, and races off. Betty tells the HR person who's called her in the middle of the night that she'll see them in the morning. "Assistant to the editor-in-chief!" Betty tells Justin, who's returned with a copy of the magazine. He didn't know she wanted to work for Mode. Betty admits that it's not her first choice, but that it's a good foot in the door. "Well, just TRY to dress fashionably. Do you have anything?" Justin asks doubtfully. "Actually, I do!" Betty says.
Cut to Mode's offices, and Betty in her Guadalajara poncho, which looks worse every time I see it. I feel pretty sure Justin never actually approved this outfit. "Oh. My. God," says Mode's chic receptionist when Betty comes into frame. "Are you the Before?" she asks. There's the requisite bit of confusion here, until Betty explains that she works there. "For the new editor-in-chief," she adds. Hearing this, Amanda the Receptionist (I'm too old to do that thing where I pretend I don't know what anyone's name is) makes a face that's a combination of intrigued, annoyed, and faintly amused.
Amanda sashays (and I mean it: she's got one hand on her hip, while the other one swings back and forth dramatically) down the hallway, Betty trotting behind her. Amanda explains that Daniel is about to start his first staff meeting. "FYI, Betsy?" she drawls. "Assistants are usually here before their bosses." Betty explains that she was in HR! Filling out paperwork! Poor Betty. She's so sweet and earnest. I fear that this hour is going to be cringy and painful for us all. Amanda looks her over, and narrows her eyes: "Where do you COME FROM?" "Queens!" Betty chirps. Amanda sighs and explains that she wanted to know what job Betty is coming from. Betty cheerfully explains that this is her first real job out of college. Amanda nods. "That's funny. I was told I didn't have enough experience for the position," she says, although not entirely unkindly. You get the sense that she's pissed about being passed over, but that she's also looking forward to the intense amount of gossip the new hire is going to stir up.
As soon as Amanda leaves her alone, Betty takes a moment to recite the mantra we've all seen in the ads two hundred times: "You are an attractive, confident businesswoman." She then, of course, walks right into the glass wall encloses the conference room currently housing every single person Betty's going to work with. Everyone turns and stares. I actually have to cover my eyes a little bit. It's just so embarrassing, and Betty's so sympathetic. It's not fun when embarrassing things happen to people you like. It's much more fun when they happen to, like, Paris Hilton. "Are you okay?" Daniel asks her when she comes in. He seems legitimately concerned, and also a bit confused by her poncho. After Betty assures everyone that she's fine, and grabs herself a seat at the back of the room, Daniel gets back to his spiel: the staff is very talented, he's happy to be there, etc, etc and so forth. Enter Wilhelmina and her assistant, a flamboyant gay in a pink sweater vest and a bright yellow tie. Wilhelmina is not particularly pleased that they began the staff meeting without her. I, however, am totally pleased by her white trench, dramatic gold choker, and pompadour the likes of which I have not seen since the halcyon days of Dylan McKay. "Marc. Gift," she commands tells her gay, who gives a package to Daniel. He accepts it, and tries to get on with his speech. "Aren't you going to open it?" Wilhelmina asks. Daniel gives in, and finds a seriously really hideous Swarovski crystal tulip, engraved "Danny." Wilhelmina explains that it's meant to commemorate his first day. "It's 'Daniel,' not 'Danny,'" he tells her. "What? I'm hellaciously upset, Marc," Wilhelmina says dryly, sounding about as upset as a woman ordering a pizza. ["That probably really would upset Wilhelmina." -- Wing Chun] Marc starts to apologize. "Shh. Purge this from memory," Wilhelmina says. I must admit: I sort of love her.
Daniel tries yet again to get this meeting on track, but Wilhelmina interrupts to announce that they need to discuss "the Fabia cosmetics supplement." Apparently, it's "the biggest ad buy of the year, and the only paid layout editorial ever works on." Wilhelmina exposits, "Given the new circumstances, Fabia needs to sign off on the spread before we go to print. Obviously, we'll all here to help you succeed, and we've all got plenty of ideas, so I think we all need to go back to work to make sure that this, your very first issue with your name on the masthead, SPARKLES." And with this, Wilhelmina claps her hands and dismisses his meeting. Well played, Wilhelmina. Well played. As they leave, Evil Marc leans over and says, "KILLER poncho," to poor sweet Betty, who thanks him. As he turns away from her, Evil Marc makes the "gag me" face. (Apparently, the actor refers to his character as "Evil Marc," and ever since I read that on the forums, I've been unable to think of his character as anything but. I wonder if this means there will also be a Good Marc, and perhaps that they will be twins. I presume one of them will assume the other's identity at some point, and perhaps throw the other in a well.) As everyone files out of the meeting, Daniel just looks shell-shocked. Betty taps him on the shoulder and introduces herself. "I'm your new assistant," she says. He makes a subtle "of COURSE you are" face.
Meanwhile, Evil Marc is adjusting Wilhelmina's Botox. In her office. Which has glass walls. God bless. She's complaining that she can't believe Daniel got the EIC job instead of her: "He's a self-absorbed Lothario punk who knows NOTHING about fashion." Evil Marc is sympathetic. "Is it because I'm getting old?" Wilhelmina wonders, as Evil Marc injects her. "ABSOLUTELY NOT," Evil Marc huffs, syringe in hand. "Although you could do with a tad more between the brows." He wonders what she's going to do. "Just wait and see," Wilhelmina tells him. Evil Marc assures her that Daniel is well on his way to failure already. "I mean, can you BELIEVE that ASSISTANT? This is Mode, not Dog Fancy."
Wilhelmina and Evil Marc get up to see if she can move her eyebrows. She's appropriately frozen, and tells him he can have the rest of the Botox. "I love you," he mouths to her in the mirror. I love him, even if he is a bitch. Wilhelmina gets a call on her cell phone, and dismisses him. "How are you recovering, darling?" she says into the phone, as Evil Marc eavesdrops. "Well, I'm sure you'll feel better once everything here starts coming to a boil. Hmm MMMMM." Cue maniacal laughter.
Over at her desk, Betty is diligently working away, researching Fabia. Amanda leans over her desk to see what she's working on. "Ugh! She's so fabulously douchey," she announces, when she sees Fabia's photo. That's a great line. Betty tells Amanda that Daniel is in a meeting with the photographer Philippe Michaud -- who, despite the name, has an accent that's closer to Italian than French, and closest of all to Fictional. Amanda tells Betty that Philippe is "amazing," but that there's been some drama with him and Daniel: "Daniel hooked up with Philippe's ex-girlfriend a couple years ago. They're fine now. Yeah, we went out for about a week...and they don't call him The Tripod because he's a photographer, if you catch my drift." With this, Amanda slinks off again. I seriously sort of love her. (I seem to like douchey tertiary characters.) Betty makes a sort of funny "Are we allowed to talk about penises in the office?" face, and gets back to work.
In Daniel's office, Daniel is confessing that he doesn't think anyone on the masthead wants him there, especially Wilhelmina. Philippe is like, no kidding. "I think she's trying to take me in the wrong direction with this Fabia thing," says Daniel. "Do you have any ideas?" "Like...A MILLION," says Philippe. He suggests keeping their brainstorming on the QT, since most of the staffers are loyal to Wilhelmina. Betty pops her head in the door to ask if they need any lunch, and Daniel tells her that they're fine, and lets her go. She doesn't leave, though, and introduces herself to Philippe, telling him that she loves his work. She then compares a recent shoot of his to another photographer's piece, and he gets all offended that she's accusing him of stealing ideas, and she frantically tries to backtrack as Daniel just looks amused. Finally, she scampers off. "What is the story with her?" Philippe asks, and Daniel explains that his dad made him hire her. "She appears to be good, capable," he says. "FUGLY," Philippe editorializes. (Is it obnoxious to link to one's own website? I will try not to do it again.) He doesn't think Betty is attractive enough to represent Daniel, especially in front of the paparazzi. Daniel sighs that he can't fire her for being fug, so Philippe just suggests that he force her to quit, by beating her down. To a pulp! Cue dramatic music, as we go to the ads.
Betty heads down to the cafeteria for lunch, where Stanley Tucci tells her she had better lose weight and pull herself together if she wants to fit in at Runway. ...Oh, wait. That's another story. Anyway, everyone eyeballs Betty, but no one seems interested in having her sit to them. Amanda the receptionist actually puts her bag on the seat to her. Aw, poor Betty. I hate the idea of someone not having anyone to have lunch with, even though when I worked in a big, corporate-type office, half of the time I really, really just wanted to be left alone with my book. But you've got to have someone to eat with when you want to bitch about work. Now I'm sad. Betty finds a seat, and begins to unpack her brown bag. A Scottish girl comes sweeping up to her. "Hey, you," she opens cheerfully. "Betty, right? Daniel Meade's new assistant?" She explains that everyone knows everything about everyone at Mode, and introduces herself: she's Christina, she works in The Closet, she's a seamstress, and she's wearing a jacket that looks like two coats fused together because sometimes they let her keep the crappy stuff from last season, but she has to improvise, since everything is a size zero, and she is not. "Anyway, I like it," she yammers, "mostly because I'm by myself, away from all the bitches that work at Mode." She then calls over two normal-looking girls -- Zelda and Nancy -- and introduces them to Betty. Aw, our girl's making some friends. That makes me much feel better. Evil Marc and Amanda give the foursome a once-over as they leave the cafeteria, and roll their eyes. "It's the bizarre version of Sex and the City," Evil Marc says. "Stop it, I'm GAGGING," Amanda chortles.
Meanwhile, Bradford is feeding birds in the park. Gross. I hate birds. Please don't encourage them. A man in a leather jacket plonks down to him on the park bench and comments that he looks like any old schmo, just feeding the birds in the park. Bradford comments that he doubts most people are feeding the birds homemade, artisanal bread. Because normal people would rather eat those delicious buttered carbs than waste them on gross, flying rats. "There's nothing to worry about," says Mysterious Leatherman. "She's gone. Weren't you sitting front row at the funeral?" "Closed casket. Double, triple check. The things Fey Sommers knew about me. About the company," Bradford says glumly. Mysterious Leatherman says he's on it.
Over at Mode, the Torture Betty Into Quitting portion of the hour has begun. First, Daniel tells her that there's a problem with his lunch. See, he loves coleslaw, but he doesn't like cabbage. He needs her to separate the dressing from the cabbage, which she appears to do with a pair of Tweezermans that I think she should also use on her brows. Don't get me wrong: she's terribly cute. But everyone looks better without a monobrow. Daniel calls Betty in the middle of the night; Daniel makes her bring him coffee; Daniel makes her walk his huge, overpowering dog. He makes her personally remove gum from his shoe. And, frankly, the gum and the coleslaw excepted, all the rest of that stuff is pretty typical assistant work. What is not typical is that Daniel also makes Betty sit on his stoop and air-traffic-control the entrances and exits of the women he is sleeping with. To wit: a woman gets out a cab in front of Daniel's building, and Betty calls up, telling him, "The red turkey is on the move." She rolls her eyes at the code, but honestly, this would be the only part of her job I would enjoy. Not because I like sitting out in the middle of the night in the cold, or because I condone infidelity, but because she's sitting on a gossip goldmine, and I'm nosy. And I like speaking in code.
Up in his loft, Daniel takes this cue to tell his bedmate -- Amanda the receptionist -- that she'll have to sleep over another night. She gets out of bed -- wearing only green panties, a matching bra, and what looks like an emerald chocker -- and puts on her coat, asking him when "this position's gonna open." I believe she means Betty's job, not the position of girlfriend. Or some mysterious, sexual position that he prefers to save for specific, astrologically-mandated times. "Hopefully, very soon," Daniel promises. "Well, good night, boss," she purrs, and flashes him once more before she leaves. Daniel is back on the phone with Betty as soon as Amanda leaves, in a weird cut that sort of implies that Betty could have heard that conversation, but which I think is actually just weird editing. He asks her to stick around for a little bit and make sure everything's okay. She tearfully agrees. Daniel gazes down at her sitting on the stoop and looks moderately guilty. At least, until the girl comes in and undoes her coat to reveal nothing but black undies and thigh-high stockings. "Perfect timing," he tells her.
Finally, Betty gets home to Queens. Sad music plays. Oh, woe is she. She walks past Walter and his new lady making out, as if the evening could not be worse, and then gets home, where it seems that she has missed her father's birthday party, for the first time since her mother died. Hilda gives her a moderately hard time for missing the shebang, but finally admits that she saved her a piece of cake. Betty sits down in the living room and feels sorry for herself, and then looks over to see a picture of herself with her mother on the side table. She appears to be helping her mother put on her makeup. It's very cute. AND inspirational, since she takes out her notebook and writes, in huge letters, WORK IDEA.
After the ads, Betty and Daniel head out to the Fabia photo shoot. He acts typically dismissive of her, and has no interest at all in looking at her WORK IDEA. They're all the way down at the car when he sends her back to the closet to fetch an outfit they've forgotten. Let's all just pretend the editor-in-chief would be responsible for bringing the wardrobe for shoot, although I suppose this can maybe be excused by assuming that Daniel isn't trusting anyone else at Mode to work on this particular project. He very pointedly does not take Betty's proposal along with the rest of his papers, and instead orders her to meet him at the shoot. "'Please'?" she retorts to his departing Town Car. Oh, honey. He shouldn't be making you pick gum off his shoe, and it would be nice if he said "please," but the big boss is going to be order-y more often than not, and that, my dear, you are going to have to get used to.
But it seems that Daniel's lack of pleasantries is the last straw, because Betty has a bit of a breakdown in the closet with Christina. Apparently, nothing she does is good enough; Daniel treats her like dirt; he has no interest in any of her ideas; etc. Christina looks very sympathetic and sighs, and tells her that Nancy was in HR the other day, and heard that Bradford was the one who wanted to hire Betty in the first place, because he knew Daniel wasn't going to want to bone her. "Oh," Betty says, a little crestfallen, as anyone would be. I mean, even if she doesn't want to bone Daniel -- and I don't think she does -- no one wants to be noticed for flaming unsexiness. Christina apologizes, but Betty bravely says that this explains a lot, and that she should be grateful that she got her break, no matter how it happened. ["True, by the way. Magazine publishing is really hard to break into. Even in Canada!" -- Wing Chun] "This is just how it was supposed to happen for me," Betty adds. Christina furrows her brow kindly, and Betty takes off for the shoot, leaving her Fabia proposal behind.
And it's cringe-y time, a.k.a. the Fabia shoot. Models mill around in pleather hot pants and generally look like tranny hookers. I half-expect to see Jay Manuel pop up in the background. Instead, we get fabulously bitchy Amanda, who grabs Daniel and tells him she just thought she should pop over on her lunch break and see if he needed anything. Meanwhile, Philippe is upset because one of the models is absent: "This is a crazy complicated shoot and I need her dressed and ready, right now." Daniel reminds him that it's a test shoot, so they might as well just use a stand-in. Philippe tells him that the model is "too specific," and that they need someone with her "exact skin tones." Someone like...yes, poor Betty. Poor short, flabby Betty. I'm so sure she's the only one with the right skin tone. Daniel looks uneasy, but Philippe assures him that Betty will totally quit before she does it.
While they discuss this, poor Betty is eating a donut and minding her own beeswax. She's mid-bite when Daniel comes up and greets her enthusiastically: "I'm so glad you're here. We're having a crisis and we really need your help. One of our models didn't show up. We really need someone to stand in for her. In wardrobe." Betty is, naturally, horrified. "THIS is what you want me to do?" she asks, looking at the twelve-foot-tall Ukrainian beauties milling around. "Yeah!" Daniel tells her.
And Betty runs off. Daniel looks moderately guilty some more, but dutifully goes over and reports to Philippe that Betty finally quit. Philippe is assuring him that this is all for the best, but his arguments trail off when Betty comes out of the dressing room, all kitted out in a pleather hot pants, opera gloves, and thigh-high hooker boots. Now, listen: America Ferrera is as cute as the proverbial button, but this is...not flattering. In fact, it is so not flattering, I might need to hide my face for a little while. "Please allow me to introduce myself: MY NAME IS SUPERSTAR," screams the music. "Where do you want me?" Betty asks bravely. Philippe places her between two glamazons, and this is when the giggling begins. It's all very unprofessional, and Daniel finally puts a stop to it, but not before Betty runs out into the street, still in her streetwalker outfit. He goes after her. "This is what you wanted, wasn't it?" she asks him. "To humiliate me? To make me quit? God forbid you had to work with the ugly girl your dad forced you to hire. Well, congratulations." She leaves. Daniel has to the good grace to continue to look mildly uncomfortable.
Queens. Betty sits on the stoop in her sweats. Justin comes out and gives her some tea. "I'm sorry it didn't work out. Mom said she wasn't surprised," he tells her, explaining that Hilda doesn't think such things ever work out for "people like [them]." Betty sighs. "Unless you're J. Lo or something," Justin adds. Oh, Justin. You of all people should know that J. Lo is from the Bronx, not Queens. "She says, she wishes you'd be more realistic, but I think she's full of crap," Justin adds supportively. Betty's about to say something when the smacking and murmuring and cooing from her neighbor Gina's house becomes too much for her to handle in her already humiliated state. She storms over there and throws the door open. "I just want to say that this is REALLY UNFAIR," she yells. "I live TWO DOORS DOWN. I can HEAR YOU!" And as soon as Gina unfastens her mouth from her paramour, we see that it is not Walter at all, but some other hapless dude. It seems that Gina was just using Walter to get his discount on a flat-screen TV. Enraged at this, Betty storms out of Gina's house, slamming the door behind her. The force knocks the TV off the wall and onto the ground. "Bitch, you broke my plasma!" Gina yells after her. Man, Gina is douchey, and not at all fabulously so.
Over at Mode, the Fabia presentation is getting underway. Gina Gershon's Fabia is clearly modeled on Maya Rudolph's version of Donatella Versace on SNL: crazy fake accent, crazy fake lips, crazy fake blonde hair. She's shoveling candy into her mouth. Fabulous. Daniel begins showing her the shots from their photo shoot, which are totally over the top: flaming primary-colored cars, piled up all over each other, surrounded by semi-nude, totally-shiny models. Underneath the image, it reads: "COLLISION." It is tacky and terrible, and Fabia looks horrified. She smacks the table. "Thees iss a freeeking joke, right?" she asks. Daniel meekly offers that it is not. "STUPIDO!" she screams at him. In the corner, Wilhelmina looks tremendously pleased. "STUPIDO!" Fabia screeches again, and flings an entire handful of candy right at Daniel's head. "Idiot. IDIOT!" she screams, and storms out. "What just happened?" Daniel asks, after a beat. Evil Marc offers that Fabia is probably still a little sensitive about "the accident." See, it turns out that she ran over twelve people outside Marquee last month. Whoopsie. Daniel looks at Philippe, who pipes up that he was out of town when this happened. Daniel wonders why no one told him about this. "Daniel, if I may?" Wilhelmina says. "You didn't include me in the concept. And we all thought you knew what you were doing." She sort of shrugs at him, and smiles. I'm beginning to get the impression that Daniel's attempting to outwit Wilhelmina is sort of like the fashion-magazine equivalent of Nicole Richie trying to best Homer Simpson in a donut-eating contest.
Over at the gym (or, according to the bright orange letters on the wall, the GYM), Bradford does Pilates and tells his downtrodden son that Fabia is thinking about pulling all her ads from every single one of Meade's publications. Why didn't Daniel consult Wilhelmina to being with? Daniel sputters that he was pretty sure Wilhelmina was trying to sabotage him. Bradford snorts that the only person sabotaging Daniel is himself. Daniel says he's sorry, and Bradford snorts. "I'm sorry I keep hoping you'll be someone you're clearly not," he says. Daniel begs for a second chance.
Cut to Wilhelmina, all bed-headed and disheveled, refusing to accept Daniel's phone call. She hangs up, and turns to Philippe, who is sharing her bed and holding two glasses of champagne. "He really should have come to me earlier," she purrs. "It wouldn't have made any difference, now would it?" asks Philippe. "Not really," Wilhelmina admits, and bursts into laughter. She looks fantastic, just by the way. "To teamwork," she says. "To revenge," he counters. They drink, and then start making out. I really should have gone into publishing.
While Philippe and Wilhelmina are doing it, Daniel is burning the midnight oil at the office. You may be stunned to hear that Daniel finds Betty's proposal on his desk, and finds it very interesting indeed. I know, I was likewise terribly surprised.
Meanwhile, on a television in Queens, Salma Hayek is getting slapped across the face. Betty isn't paying any attention to Salma's troubles, however, because she's on the phone with the HMO about her father's heart medication. I get that this show is trying to mix real-life issues with camp, but in all honesty, if I wanted to think about health insurance, I would be paying my bills right now. Let's get back to the slapping.
Speaking of people who could use a good smack, Walter comes by. He wants to know why Betty hasn't been returning his calls. "I've been busy," she says. It seems that Walter, having been dumped by Gina, wants his girlfriend back. But Betty is having none of it, and is conveniently helped out when Daniel shows up on her doorstep. "Are you DATING THIS GUY?" Walter asks incredulously. Betty just shoves him outside, and takes Daniel into the dining room, where she's folding laundry.
"Nice place," Daniel says. Betty remarks that they're between decorators right now. "Really?" he asks. "No," she says. "Oh. Right," says Daniel. "It's a joke." There's some awkward silence before Daniel apologizes, telling Betty that she didn't deserve what he put her though, and admitting that he listened to all the wrong people about a lot of things: "I have no one to blame but myself." Betty says she appreciates that, but that Daniel's going to get to take his town car back to his loft, while she'll be there, out of work, and dealing with problems he will never understand. Daniel looks thoughtful: "I lost a brother a while back. He was the good one in our family. I have never quite measured up, but I am trying. Betty, I could never compare my problems to yours. But they're mine. Nothing's ever easy." In other words, he will call your HMO problems and raise you a dead sibling. Daniel then tells Betty that he saw her Fabia layout idea, and that it's great. Will she please come back to work? "I promise you, things will be different," he adds. Betty tells him that she has to think about it. "You have tonight, or I'll probably be out of a job as well," he shrugs. Betty just looks thoughtful, and Daniel leaves. Her dad comes out of the kitchen and looks at her. "Did you hear that?" she asks. He nods. "Every word."
So, after the ads, Betty tells Daniel no, and he goes back to his loft and kills himself. She decides to work for Herbalux and marries Walter. Magazines are not allowed in her house. The end.
Not really. Instead, after the ads, we sweep into the meeting with Fabulously Douchey Fabia. Daniel is late, so Wilhelmina gets started without him, saying that she and Evil Marc would like to show her something...that we never get to see, because Daniel and Betty come in with their presentation at this exact moment. The presentation gets off to a rough start when Betty loads the wrong photos, starting with one of her eating hot dogs with Walter. And that, you perv, is not a euphemism. The rest of the presentation is pictures of Betty with her Dead Mom. Daniel explains that they're using the concept of mothers and daughters, focusing on special moments that are usually taken for granted. ["You may recall the whole 'perfect magazine concept based on personal snapshots' motif from 13 Going On 30." -- Wing Chun] The tagline is, "It's not the big events, it's the little moments that matter." While this is a very sweet idea, I do have to wonder why, if Betty is twenty-two or whatever, all her photos with her mother appear to have been taken in 1964. Fabia looks thoughtful, and says that although she has a daughter, and they don't do any of those sweet things together, she can understand. But why do they think this will appeal to her customers? Daniel hesitates, so Betty steps in and explains, with the help of all the research she did earlier, that Fabia's customers have been tremendously loyal to her since she started the company, and that they're older now. A lot of them have kids. Fabia thinks about this, and approves: "Just makes sure it's not too sappy. Do a picture where they're pulling their hair or biting each other," she says. "But it's nice. Now I go," she announces, and saunters out. As everyone disperses, Bradford comes up to Daniel and pats him on the back. "Good work," he says. Daniel smiles at Betty. "The idea was actually --" he begins. "His best one," Betty interrupts. "Don't you think?" Aw, that was nice of her. I hope she never does it again. "Welcome back, boss," Wilhelmina simpers, as she runs past them. Betty and Daniel just smile at each other.
We cut to a very mysterious place, where a very mysterious bandaged woman is very upset about something. Wilhelmina, who is lurking around this very mysterious place, agrees that "it is a setback." But once Daniel is out of the picture, the company will be theirs for the taking. The woman -- who I assume is the not-actually-dead Fey Sommers -- tells Wilhelmina to keep an eye on that "damn ugly assistant. What's her name?"
Cue the montage of people yelling Betty's name: Gina, pissed about the TV; Amanda, pissed that she's still stuck at the reception desk; Walter, sad about his romantic rejection; and Daniel, who needs to get some paperwork from her as he leaves Mode for the day. Betty comes out of the building with Christina, and thanks her for planting her proposal on Daniel's desk. Christina will have none of her thanks, and leaves with a smile. Daniel, for his part, tells Betty that she should have let him tell Bradford that the whole thing was her idea. "Don't worry. I will the time," she says, and they laugh. She starts going over Daniel's schedule for the day, but he tells her it can wait. And it must -- the woman in Daniel's town car is getting antsy for his attention. As Betty walks off, she trips and almost falls on her head, but recovers nicely. Daniel, watching her, makes a face that clearly says, "that girl has MOXIE," gets in his car, and speeds off. KT Tunstall sings on the soundtrack that finally, she sees, this is what she wants to be. I think she means that she means to make a load of money off ABC this pilot season, because I've heard that song like nine times today alone ["not to mention over the 'fabulous outfits' montage in The Devil Wears Prada that made my sister and me clutch each other's hands and cry a little" -- Wing Chun]. I mean, I'm glad Betty's got her shit figured out, but enough already.
week: Betty loses the book. This is not going to convince the people who feel that this show is too much like The Devil Wears Prada that they are wrong.