Beyond Life and Death

Nighttime establishing shot of About To Be Scrap Metal Memorial Police Station. The distant "thwack, thwack, thwack, crash, look out below, thwack, thwack, so then we haven't been renewed then eh?, thwack, screeeeech, run!" noises of a soundstage being dismantled and refitted for use as the future home of numerous upcoming Isuzu commercials continues just to the left of the camera's gaze, because that Davis Leisure sure is going to be a big star one day, dammit. We cut inside to find Lucy "Leprechaun 2" Moran and Deputy Andy "Scenes Deleted�Forever" Brennan sitting, heads resting against each other, pink slips tucked in their lapels, leased Porches being forklifted back to the dealership. Sounding exhausted from a twenty-nine episode commitment of talking in a high-pitched, non-threatening drawl without once driving north across the border into Effeminate County, Andy asks Lucy in a high-pitched, non-threatening drawl, "Were you afraid, Punky?" Lucy -- er, "Punky" -- responds in turn, offering a recap of last week's final moments with about seven more cumulative words (though, miraculously, even fewer sentences) than even I was able to generate on the very same topic: "I was on the stage at the Roadhouse and the lights went out and I kept thinking, 'The lights are going out, the lights are going out,' and then they did, and it all went black, and I kept thinking, 'It's so dark, what about hand signals, what good would they do us now?' And the baby! What if the lights went out in the hospital and the lights went out in the elevator?" Andy responds that he would have delivered the baby in the elevator, right there, "in front of God and everybody." Or he would start to cry and ask all bewildered why his progeny wasn't flown in by the stork, swaddling clothes included, as his increasingly yokel-ized characterization would convince us is what he believes. They look at each other, very daytime-soap-y, kiss in a way I don't need to know much about, and simultaneously say, "I love you" when they look back at each other. Awwww. These two are a match made in heaven. Well, one in heaven. The other in Leprechaun 2.