Miss Twin Peaks

And now, a brief glimpse into life here at the private, cloistered, concealed-by-mountains-and-mean-scary-dogs Recapping Oxygen Chamber in which I spend my days, as we play another round of MBTV Fantasy Camp, with your celebrity guest recapper, Djb. Pay attention, folks. We're through the looking glass here.

Usually what happens when I turn on my computer in the morning is this: I swig some stale coffee, mutter an even staler comment about hating Mondays that opens me up to a "why, I didn't realize that we had signed on to live with wacky cartoon fat cat Garfield" type of scorn from the bustling roommates with whom I share space, curse Bill Gates, and open up Microsoft Word, saving a new document that will one day become a finished recap -- this one, say, would be called "Episode 28 -- Miss Twin Peaks" in a folder named "Twin Peaks" (follow path "C drive, My MBTV, Gulf War/Death Of Grunge, 35-64 Demo, Twin Peaks"). The blank screen and blinking cursor stare back at me all patronizing, and I have to type something, anything, just to mar the screen with what will soon be my dozens of witty bon mots about early-'90s television programming, many to all of which possessing the fallback punch line "and then he switched over to Major Dad," depending on how groundbreaking I'm feeling on a given day. But the first thing I write is usually intended to break the ice, just to get something up there, not intended to be shared with the rest of the world. Said quote usually takes the form of a reference to the show I'm about to recap, with a "Lo, pity my exhausted self with the stale coffee and the bantering roommates" twist thrown in. Examples that leap to mind include the likes of "Who killed Laura Blah Blah Blah-mer" and "The trees blow moodily again outside of the Great NOT!thern." Today, however, I stared at the blank screen for several minutes and finally, Carrie Bradshaw-style, got around to typing that sentence around which the comic sensibility for this recap was to be based. And the sentence I wrote was this: "I now hate this show." Sad? I know. Clever? Not. But remarkably accurate nonetheless. Not an "Evil lurks inside the Crap Lodge" or a "This show is Julee Cruisin' for a quick cancellation" pun anywhere to be seen. I now hate this show. Two hours from the end, intrepid readers. Thanks for sticking with it.

Slatted, wood-planked darkness looms inside the cabin in the woods. Leo "Damage To The Cerebral Bore-tex" Johnson lies in a stupor, his right wrist secured to a chain affixed to the ceiling. to him lies the seemingly unconscious Garland "In The Corner Pocket" Briggs, whose right hand has been handcuffed to Leo's left. Many labored TV moments after the director's fifth infuriated wail of "I SAID ACTION," Leo stirs from his stupor and manages to lean just enough forward to open a nearby drawer and dig out what looks like a key. Breathing hard, he unlatches Briggs's arm clamps, and as Briggs stirs, Leo whispers an impassioned "Save Shelley!" Briggs, in a stupor, is for once unable to slow the action down with a sentiment of his usual "I have dreamed of a Shelley of whom I am the requirement of saving, for such is the map! The map! Government. Blue book. Sale on owls, one day only" nature that one tends to zoom right through in lieu of shots of his underexposed (in, literally, every way available) son, anyway. Briggs stumbles to his feet, woozy-like, and out of the frame (though, oddly enough, not out of the door). Leo, still tied to the ceiling, turns his head toward the wall behind him and focuses on the "Queen" playing card with Shelley's tiny black-and-white face on it. Briggs, apparently, is still in the house. I guess he just wandered into the room with all of Earle's "Tandy Computers" product placements to regain consciousness in front of another relaxing (and hilarious!) episode of Major Dad. Because, well, see what I did there?

Fade out. Fade back! Ooooh, looky how many buttons this camera has on it! The door to the cabin opens and in walks Windom "Still Crazy After All These Jeers" Earle, all ready for his close-up with the introductory, "Why, who let Major Briggs loose, Leo?" I know! I know! I know! I -- ack! Then we do cut to Earle's close-up to discover that he has applied a generous helping of white pressed powder to the entire surface area of his face. For no other reason than to be scaaaaaaary, I guess. And also because Kenneth Walsh has probably learned recently enough from his television compatriot Ted Danson that turning up in any kind of decorative facial coloring other than your own can hurt your career almost as much as what hurt Kenneth Walsh's: that being, never acting in public again. And there's that early-'90s humor I promised. But really, it is almost as scaaaaaaary as it's intended to be for once. Earle leans in toward Leo and takes out the scary buzzer, stopping himself just in time and smiling, "No, no. No punishment, Leo. It's too late for that to do us any harm. But I have a new game for you." Earle holds up a small burlap bag, filled to the brim and bursting with that terror-inducing tool of horror and mass destruction known the world over as "something that looks kinda heavy." Kinda. He dangles the bag and smiles, displaying what looks like gnarled, blackened teeth. Again, no reason. Again, scaaaaaaary.

Pies. Pies everywhere. We're over at the Double R, Norma "The Not Squad" Jennings carrying a tray of three pies to the counter and announcing to Shelley "Central Park Career Gone South" Johnson and Annie "Yoko" Blackburn, "Well, here's our contribution to the Miss Twin Peaks gala buffet. And I fully expect to see one of you up there in the winner's circle." Yoko monotones, "Dream on, Norma," and Norma shoots back, "This is the biggest day of the year for us [it is?], and we have to have somebody up there who really deserves this title. Especially this year." Annie non-sequiturs for the sake of circularity because they just found out that this is practically last episode OF ANYTHING they'd ever film, asking, "You mean Laura Palmer?" Does Yoko mean that Laura was the last, lamented winner, or was that question a quiet celebration of the fact that the judges will consider a participant who is featured repeatedly in the opening credits but who never transcends the acting level of "dead once the camera rolls." Shelley reminds Norma that this is the twentieth anniversary of Norma's victory in the pageant, and she tosses back, "Look at you! You're already working on the judge!" That's right. Norma's a judge, too! Who is she going to pick? One of the many deserving, talent-filled women of the neighborhood? Or one of her two employees, one of whom she just told "has to win"? She'd better hope Charles Van Doren looks dynamite in his swimsuit competition. Because the fix has never been so in.

Ben "I Ain't Afraid Of No Ghostwood" Horne walks into his office, a stack of books in each hand, to find Audrey "In-Zane In The Membrane" Horne sitting in front of the fire wearing a bright red, entirely chastity-free fuck-me-oh-wait-you-already-did dress and looking very, very mournful. Ben greets her by calling her "the most intelligent face that I have seen all day. You make the rest of us look like primates." Actually, that would be the carrots, but my father never said anything that nice to me, so we'll just celebrate this darling familial companionship and move on. Audrey asks about the books, so Ben sits down to her and shows her several religious texts including the Koran and the Old Testament and informs her, "I hold in my hands those holy books which constitute the fundamental framework of humanity's philosophy of good. Somewhere in here are the answers that I seek, and intend to read them cover to cover until" Audrey cares like we care and Audrey does not care, so Ben catches himself mid-espousal and sympathizes, "Look at me, prattling on. It's Jack, isn't it?" It is. It is. Audrey hopes that she'll feel better soon, and Ben offers the ageless advice that "time heals all wounds." Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that between the Kabala and the Haggadah he had a copy of 14,000 Things To Be Happy About wedged in there somewhere. He continues on, "I know how it feels. Believe me." Eileen Hayward reference? The far more likely "hasn't seen his own wife in the hallways of the house they share for over two months" reference?

Audrey wants to talk about something else now. She stands up and paces, because that's what women businessmen do, and lets him know, "I actually came here to update you on my trip to Seattle." Ben insists that she "update away." And so she does: "The Packards are using Twin Peaks Savings & Loan to funnel cash to the Ghostwood project. But the bank is keeping a very low profile. It seems they don't want any bad publicity." Ben digs this news, and promises that "bad publicity is exactly what they're gonna get." He thinks that -- natch -- the Miss Twin Peaks pageant is the very venue for Audrey to publicize this information, but she leans down before him and tells him all over again, "From the bottom of my heart, I don't want to be the town's bathing beauty." Ben responds that Miss Twin Peaks is such a great local forum and blah, nailing it home: "It would truly be inspirational to have a winner with a political sensibility that extends beyond make-up strategies and recipes for cherry pie." He reminds us that each contestant gives a speech to the town, but Audrey knows that "there's another way to do this." Too late to do anything about it now, dear. But I think there were about ten zillion other ways to do this.

Police station. Harry "Dewey Defeats" Truman stands in a conference room while Cooper and Deputy Andy stand nearby, surveying the map/invitation/puzzle/petroglyph/cave drawing/scribbling/collect 'em trade 'em rendering on the blackboard. Cooper asks Truman, "Has he taken his eyes off it yet?" Truman says "he" has not, and reminds us that they have people out looking for Briggs. Cooper reiterates for an eavesdropping Earle, "Harry, considering their mutual connection on Project Blue Book, I believe that Windom Earle has targeted the Major." Andy mutters a distracted "interesting" while continuing to stare at the drawing. Cooper continues on, "Harry, Windom Earle has been seeking access to the Black Lodge as far back as 1965." Cooper also drops the bomb on Truman that when Josie died, "She was trembling with fear. I would go as far as to say quaking like an animal. I might venture a guess to say it was the fear that killed her. At the moment of her death, I saw BOB. As if he had slipped in through some crevice in time. Upon reflection, I believe there's a connection between his appearance and Josie's fear, as if he was attracted to it. Feeding off it, somehow." Wow! Got it. Earle actually licks his lips with the subtlety of a masked villain at the haunted carnival in one of the less textured episode of Scooby Doo as Cooper continues, "I think that the Black Lodge is what you've referred to in the past as 'the evil in these woods.'" Which is why Earle wants to find his way in. And now, apparently, they've just told him how.

Windom slams his surveillance briefcase shut and screams, "Eureka!" Wha? "Dale, I could kiss your pointy little head!" WHA? "It's fear, Leo! It's fear. My favorite emotional state!" He rants on about the perfectness of nature and fear, screaming, "We know where the entrance is, we know when the lock appears, and now we hold the key in our hands!" He grabs the suitcase and prances some more, white pancake make-up and threat of actual imposing nature completely evaporated as he exposits further, "Forgive my hasty departure, dear one. But the time has come to gather my beloved queen and embark upon our dark honeymoon." Pause. Pause. Pause. "I haven't been this excited since I punctured Caroline's aorta!" Ooooooooooh? I guess he killed her. Well, then, that was quite the bomb. He leans in to Leo and bids him a fond farewell, telling him that he had the most wonderful time with him, even though he was a little "miffed" at Leo's "release of Major Briggs." But no fear: "You'll have plenty of time to reflect upon that, won't you? Goodbye, Leo. And good luck." And we cut to Leo, lying on the ground, a piece of twine apparently tied around one of his teeth. The twine extends up toward the ceiling and then turns, rigged as it is to some complex lever/pulley system thing that carries water to unirrigated desert towns at its best and tortures mentally crippled manservants at its worst. The latter represented here. At the end of the string is a glass box, which holds what looks like six or seven black widow spiders. The spiders that will die in the cage long before the twine gives out? I'm not sure I follow this particular line of badness. Maybe he's trying to torture the spiders?