Vegas: Smokemont Court

MPDP's standing in front of the Aladdin Hotel and Casino wearing jeans and a teensy Vegas t-shirt that's at least two sizes too small. ["Shout-out! That's where we held our TWoP recappers' summit last December." -- Wing Chun] MPDP announces that they're in "Vegas, baby!" Wait. Didn't I see this already? Guess not. MPDP wanders through the casino doing the rest of the preamble, as I reflect on how appropriate this city is for some of the tackiest homeowner behaviour ever seen on this show. The camera cuts to a roulette table, where Amy Wynn is playing dealer to Laurie and Edward. Edward. You know, Edward? Remember him? The nice guy with the ponytail? The one we haven't seen for three long months while we've had to endure how many Kia episodes? Yeah, that one. They brought him out of cryogenic storage for this episode. Laurie's hair is straight in this episode. Frink likes it. I do too, though I think curly hair suits her more. Cut to some money dropping out of a slot machine and MPDP cheering about it. She ain't sharing any of it with the designers, though. Nope. Personally, I think she should contribute it to the anger-management therapy fund for one of this episode's homeowners, but I'm getting ahead of myself here.

Over to Jordan ("a creative type" -- that may be Trading Spaces talk for "unemployed"), and his girlfriend Colleen, sitting at another table. Colleen's very pretty, with a doll-like face. Frink sometimes likes to make up little narratives for people on television shows and when he sees Jordan he declares, "Cocaine problem." This being my second viewing, I assure him that Jordan definitely does not have a cocaine problem. Frink's already convinced himself, though. Jordan and Colleen want Jordan's office space redone. Jordan does graphic design and web development. The room is a white box with beige carpet and no window coverings. There's a very small table functioning as a desk, and a small sectional sofa in kind of a dark taupe colour. There are guitars and a bongo drum in the room (Jordan's also a musician), as well as a interesting-looking grandfather clock and a wheeled shelf full of books and TV/stereo equipment. There are some colourful unframed prints on the wall. He'd like the room to become more organized and have a nice big desk. Colleen would like to see the room furnished comfortably, though there's not a lot of room for furniture. Jordan says there's plenty of beige in the rest of the house, and he'd like to see this room depart from that. Colleen laughs as she says she thinks every man deserves one room in the room that can be his, and the rest is for her. It seems to be news to Jordan, but he takes it well.

The other couple is Rodney and Jessie. It's probably just a coincidence they both have names of famous wrestlers. Oh, wait, that's Roddy, not Rodney, isn't it? I'm not very hip to wrestling. Just Jessie, then. Not so coincidental. They want their living room redone. Their living room is one of the most utterly lifeless "befores" I've ever seen on this show: the walls and ceiling are white, except for one pale peach wall; the carpet is greige. The sofa and chair are bloated, overstuffed, black leather blobs with absolutely no style whatsoever, unless looking like the seating equivalent of a puffy parka counts as style. They're hideous and very dated. Those were never in style, even when the stores were full of them. Remember, just because it's for sale, it doesn't mean you have to buy it. There's a white plastic coffee table and matching end table that are also very dated and not a little ugly. There's one of those rocking/gliding wooden chairs in the corner with a matching footstool, both upholstered in green. There's a gumball machine in one corner. It oozes with personality. There are two windows on one wall, and three on the other, all with white blinds. The room is somewhat open to the rest of the house, with cutouts in walls and a large entry. There are two vases of what look like artificial flowers and two magazines artfully arranged on the coffee table in attempt to lend the impression of life or energy to this room. It doesn't work.

Jessie says that what she dislikes about the living room is that there's not a lot of colour. She says they're looking to "add some colour, add some design, add some character." Rodney tries to say what he thinks the room lacks, but Jessie saves him the trouble by supplying the word "character." I think, if I heard her right, that she says that they're all about character. Jessie wants bold colours. Rodney tries to say that he's easy, colourwise, but Jessie interjects that he probably likes pastels more. It must be such a relief to Rodney to have someone around to tell him what he thinks at all times. I know I get exhausted, thinking for myself. Jessie says she likes bright colours: "Probably a red, or an orange, or a pink." Orange, eh? Make a mental note of that, folks. Rodney says that the carpet's off-limits in the room. Jessie says that the ceiling fan is probably off-limits, too, since it's brand-new. There's a shot of it; it's a contemporary style in silver metal. Not the worst I've ever seen, though I don't think I'll ever see a ceiling fan/light combination that I like. Rodney says he doesn't know what the designers could do to shock him. Jessie: "I can be shocked." Rodney says that, with regard to colours, he doesn't look at them and say, "Oh, that's brown and I don't like it." Jessie laughs and says: "He says that about our living room because I hate brown." She forces a laugh. "If I had to walk into my living room and see brown...I would probably be sad." Or act like a complete tool and require a straitjacket. Either one.

Key swap. Jessie seems to be distracted by the camera crew instead of paying attention to MPDP, who solicits her attention. Jessie and Rodney are Team Green; Colleen and Jordan are Team Orange. As they leave to start working, they all kind of push and shove each other playfully, buffeting MPDP about as they go. MPDP finally plops down on the gravel.

Jessie yatters nonstop on the way in to meet Edward. They find him all in black, playing one of Jordan's guitars, badly. The effect is not quite as Johnny Cash as you might think from that description. Could be the ponytail. Edward asks what they think Jordan and Colleen want to see in this room. Jessie: "Actually, we don't care what they want to do!" Interesting. Edward laughs and he and Jessie agree that it's about what Jessie and Edward want to do, not what Jordan and Colleen want. Edward wants to reposition the sofa and only use half of it; he wants to move all the computer stuff into the corner and create a desk/entertainment centre. He wants to put some colour in the room, and some fabric on the walls. At that last suggestion, Jessie says, "Fabric on the walls?" Her tone implies that it's kind of an outlandish idea. Edward ignores it and carries on, saying he wants to make it into sort of a lounge for Jordan. He tells them to clear the room. Hitchcock (the brown one) is thrown around the room repeatedly throughout the room unloading, and MPDP shows up in time for all four of them to rock out with the guitars.

Colleen and Jordan approach their neighbours' house, Jordan skipping and swinging his arms kind of sarcastic-like. I think I have a wee crush on him already. They find Laurie on one of the Hindenburg sofas, studying a tiny green pillow which has the following claim stitched on it: "I'm not bossy, I just have better ideas." Yeah, I'll bet that's Rodney's. Laurie's comment: "A woman after my own heart." Heh. Colleen says that's Jessie's motto. Laurie tosses it aside. Jordan thinks the room should be more inviting. He struggles for the words to describe it. Sterile? Lifeless? Dull? Ugly? Laurie suggests, "Hodgepodge?" Yeah, they'll go with that. They're also all over "mishmash." Colleen would like to see some colour in the room, since the whole house is apparently black and white. Colleen doesn't want to see this furniture in the room. Laurie says that not a stick of it is coming back. Jordan is disappointed: "No John Travolta coffee table?" Laurie says they're bringing colour into the room, new window treatments, building a massive unit, and bringing in "new and different" furniture. They unload the room, which must have taken all of ninety-eight seconds, what with those two magazines in there.

Edward reveals his paint for the walls: it's a light, cool grey. Nice enough. The colour for the ceiling is Barney Purple. What is with the designers on this show and that colour? I like almost every shade of purple except that one. Does Lowe's have big discount vats of it or something? Is it one of those colours that just looks worse on TV than in real life? Except that I've seen Barney stuff in real life and the colour sucks there, too. Jessie freaks over the colour somewhat, but the camera cuts away before we hear much of her reaction.

Laurie says that because the room gets such good light, they can use a darker colour in there and make the room more intimate and cozy. Jordan, softly: "Intimate." Laurie shows her paint choice to her team: it's a mocha shade. Colleen says it's nice and that it's her favourite colour. Laurie calls it brown. She then shows them an accent colour that she says is going on the interior of the shelves they're building: it's an orange almost exactly the colour of the orange Trading Spaces shirts. She claims that it dries to be a "real warm coral colour."

Edward rolls some Barney onto the ceiling, exclaiming over how dark it's going to be. Jessie's all, "Oh, my God." Edward: "Isn't that pretty?" Jessie: "No. No. It's not pretty. It's not pretty! I don't want to be rude..." No, heaven forfend. "It's not pretty. It's...I'm scared. Oh, no...it doesn't look good." Shut up, Jessie. Rodney seems to like it a lot. Jessie reiterates that the purple is not good. Rodney dares to disagree.

Laurie tells her team that they're going to be taking some other furniture from within the house for this room. It turns out it's going to be parts of their black sectional, broken up into two loveseats. Colleen: "Oh, no." She says that Jessie and Rodney just bought that couch and they put it in the room where they watch TV: "They are gonna kill us." Jordan: "Drama. Here's where the drama comes in." Indeed. Colleen laughs.

MPDP finds Jessie painting the wall grey, except that she's mostly painting letters ("C + J," "X O X") and asks if she thinks that just because the room is small that she can goof off. Jessie says no. MPDP asks if "C" stands for "Confident" and "J" for "Joshin' me." Frink: "'J' for jerkin' off." Jessie insists she's working hard and sweating, and invites MPDP to feel the sweat on her forehead. Ew. For some reason, MPDP does it. Jessie them grabs MPDP's hand and sticks it in her armpit so she can feel the sweat there, too. Oh, ick! What a class act. MPDP reacts as you'd expect.

Jordan rolls brown over the peach wall. The particular combination is actually nauseating me. Please paint over that peach as quickly as possible. Laurie wonders if they're having some reservations about the colour. Colleen says they like it, but she thinks their neighbours prefer bright colours. Laurie says it's hard to know, since their whole house is white. Jordan says that white is pretty bright. Laurie agrees, but says that this room is one of the smaller nooks in the house, and she wants to create a cozy little sitting room.

MPDP remarks on the ceiling colour. Rodney likes it. Jessie informs MPDP that she's not painting the ceiling because she refuses to take responsibility for it. She'll take responsibility for the walls but not the ceiling. Whatever. Also? Shut up.

Jordan wonders if they're going to paint the ceiling fan. Laurie says they're not, and that they're leaving it up. Colleen says she can't believe it. Jordan: "This isn't Trading Spaces! You're not Laurie!" Laurie says that this one is actually good-looking.

Edward discusses his plans with Amy Wynn, who's got Suzanne Somers-style ponytails (c. Three's Company) in her hair. He wants a desk for the corner, with upper cabinets.

Paige Cam. MPDP tells Colleen that she understands Jessie didn't want brown -- "not that it's up to her," she adds. Jordan tells the camera, "This isn't her house anymore. She doesn't live here anymore. You hear that, Jessie? It's brown, and you're gonna love it! You're gonna love brown. Brown is good!"

Edward continues explaining his plans to Amy Wynn, who's got something on her left cheek under her eye. Frink asks if it's paint. At first I think it is, but then upon a closer look I think it's some kind of sticker or flower decoration. Edward's desk is L-shaped and will fit into the corner, with shelving in the pedestal supporting each end. He wants to use metal poles for the legs. Amy Wynn's fine with that.

Laurie and MPDP unroll a big ugly piece of outdoor carpeting outside as Jordan and Colleen come out. Laurie says it's 10' x 12'. I immediately suspect it for being the same one that never showed up for Laurie in "Los Angeles: Murietta Avenue," and which had to be replaced. It's a really nasty-looking dull brown colour. I'm surprised Laurie's even considering this. There's all kinds of dryish crud and crap all over it, and Jordan wonders if Laurie emptied the lint trap on it. Laurie says the reason she went with outdoor carpet is because the edges don't have to be bound to keep from fraying, and also because it's twenty-three cents a square foot. Sorry, that stuff has a nasty texture -- and this one's an ugly colour. There's a reason it's outdoor carpeting.

Edward and Jessie are outside. He shows her some poster frames he got for $3 each, that come with clear plastic where there would normally be glass. He's going to use those pieces of plastic to create a sort of curtain of coloured plastic rectangles to hang in front of the window.

Laurie takes her team into the family room, where there's a big new black leather sectional couch. She tells them she wants to use the two straight sections of it for the living room. Colleen says that Laurie wants to leave them with a hodgepodge of black leather furniture. Jordan: "You take one hodgepodge and turn it into another hodgepodge!" Colleen: "That makes no sense!" They all laugh.

Back to Edward. Jessie: "Can I help you?" Edward: "No, I would rather you not, because this blade..." He doesn't finish his thought, which was obviously not unkind, but Frink and I laugh our asses off anyway. Edward's scored the piece of plastic and is now bending it to try to snap it in two. Jessie starts backseat snapping: "You better cut it more!" Frink: "Shut up." It breaks apart with a bit of a bang and she says, "See?" Frink: "Shut up." Edward's pleased with the result. Jessie says it's scary.

Laurie tells her team that as soon as she leaves, their neighbours can put everything right back where it was. Colleen gives in, saying she's just worried about them coming in and seeing these little wedges of sofa left over. Jordan: "We have to live door to these people." Don't worry, pal: by the end of the show, you'll have the sympathy of almost the entire viewing audience, if that helps. Well, it may not be an issue: Laurie's stuffed her hands down in between the sections, and has started to have concerns about how the pieces come apart. Laurie says it's not funny if they can't be used.

Edward's drilled holes in one of the plastic rectangles and is creating fasteners out of paperclips. You know, I understand about the tight budget and all, but I think when you end up with something featuring visible paper clips and nearly $200 left over, you could spring for some nice little S-hooks or O-rings or whatever. I'm just saying. Having demonstrated the procedure, Edward tells Jessie that they have to cut and drill all the pieces, and remove the plastic coating, etc. He thinks maybe he can get MPDP to help her. Jessie: "Do I do this before or after my nap?" Frink: "Just trepan yourself, now."

Laurie's sitting on the sectional, dejected. They've taken it apart in the middle and found that, of course, since the thing was never meant to function as separate pieces, the ends of each section aren't designed to look good exposed, and the metal pieces where it's meant to be bolted together are quite visible. I guess Laurie thought it was one of those types where the pieces are meant to be pulled apart and reconfigured at will, as are some sectionals. I wouldn't have based my design on that particular gamble, myself. Laurie's very bummed. Colleen: "We're not bringing those other couches in, are we?" Shot of the Michelin monsters, shoved into the corner of the family with the window blinds piled on them. Laurie says she would need twenty yards of fabric per sofa to slipcover them. She doesn't say it, but I will: And they'd still be ugly! You can't camouflage a hideous shape like that. It'd be like trying to wallpaper a Buick. Laurie says she doesn't have the money to do that. Frink suggests using the carpet.

Edward's got Rodney sewing pillows. He's got a weird assortment of fabrics: a black and white zebra print, a nubbly-looking orangey fabric, and a short black bolster with heavily fringed ends and a purple band around the middle. What the Frank? The black and purple bolsters were $13 each. He says that the purple band was the inspiration for the ceiling. Edward says that the only other thing they have to sew is the slipcover for the sofa, which will be the toughest thing.

Laurie talks to Amy Wynn about her carpentry needs. Man, Laurie's shirt is really bugging me. It's black with white polka dots and flared, slit sleeves with a wide, ugly white lace pattern around the bottom four inches of the sleeves, and a narrow, squared-off neckline. It's like it was designed by a slightly rebellious fourteen-year-old Amish girl who was trying to shock her parents with her funky fashion sense. It is fug-lee. No one would look good in that. Laurie's also wearing a short pendant with a large round medallion on it, and it looks like it's made out of wood or something. Frink comments that he thinks Amy Wynn looks like she should be wearing a t-shirt with a Japanese glyph on it; I guess with her hair in those ponytails, and the sunglasses, he thinks she's got a "Japanese schoolgirl with power tools" thing going on. I guess it's some sort of anime thing. Laurie wants an 8' x 8' square shelf unit.

Edward wonders how Rodney thinks Colleen will respond to the animal print. Rodney's not worried about that so much as the purple ceiling.

Laurie wants a coffee table that's four feet square and 17" tall. It will be painted. She also needs some conduit cut for a drapery rod. Amy Wynn thinks that's nice. The bumper to the commercial is MPDP outside, shining up a piece of plastic by shimmying her ass across it. Or maybe she's outta toilet paper. They're on a tight budget, you know.

During the commercial break, we see a spot for T.J. Maxx, featuring a woman I know I recognize and can't place. Frink recognizes her too, but can't place her either. He thinks she's a newscaster, possibly Greta van Susteren. Okay, I know the woman had plastic surgery and all, but she still doesn't look like Carol Potter (Cindy Walsh of Beverly Hills fame), and that's who this woman is (as I later found out by asking on the forums). We also see a commercial for a contest in which you can win two hours with a Trading Spaces designer and $3000 to use to decorate your room. I got all excited for a moment until I noticed that it doesn't say you get to choose the designer...so caveat emptor, people. Also, I just know it will be a "U.S. residents only" like almost all such contests, so whatever.

The bumper back into the show is Laurie bopping around in a jerky way. Rodney helps Amy Wynn with carpentry.

Laurie and Colleen are sitting on the floor of the bedroom (which is also a white background with black furniture and black and white striped sheets. It looks like their headboard is this giant mirrored unit incorporating the nightstands on each side. Man, it's ugly. These people just have terrible taste). Laurie and Colleen have got with a large piece of orangey-brown felt spread out in front of them. Laurie reassures Colleen that it's just some backing fabric that won't be seen. They're going to be laying a piece of silky, geometrically patterned fabric -- the sort of thing out of which you'd make a scarf -- on top of it. The fabric is a little hard to see, but it's got black, mocha, rust, and mossy green colours in it. Colleen likes the fabric. Laurie says it's fabulous.

Amy Wynn asks Rodney what he thinks about what's going on in the house. He's down with all of it, but then again, he doesn't have to live in the room.

Laurie and Colleen have spread out the fabric, and Colleen says it's beautiful, but that there's one piece she really wants to see if they can incorporate. Laurie looks doubtful as Colleen runs out into the hall and grabs a huge framed picture and shows it to Laurie, who cracks up laughing. It's a Sears portrait (you know, the ones with those dreadful, cheesy, mottled-paint backgrounds) of Rodney and Jessie, looking as frighteningly '80s as you've ever seen anyone look. Rodney's wearing an orange t-shirt with some kind of sports or school logo on it, and he's got one hell of a mullet going on: the silky blond hair hangs over his shoulder and down the front of his shirt like the tail of a Golden Retriever. Jessie has that horrible, horrible, mall hair: bad shoulder-length perm, with the wispy bilevel bangs, half of them curled and crawling over the forehead, the other half teased and sprayed and standing straight up. Who in God's name ever thought this was a good look? It's just the hair you'd expect from someone with those horrendous sofas, though. Yikes. Colleen: "Look at that mad mullet!" Thanks, but I'd rather not. Frankly, I think I'd rather see Doug clipping his toenails.

MPDP helps Jessie with the window treatment. They seem to be spraypainting the plastic pieces Barney Purple. Edward comes running out, and Jessie announces, in a kindergarten way, "Paige is slow!" Edward ignores Jessie's apparent bid for attention, grabs a can of spraypaint from MPDP, and quickly sprays a round piece of glass -- a plate, I guess. Jessie starts nattering at him: "Is that something from the house, or was that something in the budget?" Edward seems to have decided early on just to ignore and avoid Jessie, rather than getting into a confrontation with her. He doesn't answer her. Jessie: "Edward?" Frink: "Shut up, you..." Edward keeps spraying like mad and saying nothing. MPDP tells Jessie, "You're worried about the plate; I'm worried about running out of paint." Edward grabs his piece of glass and scampers off, saying, "See ya!" Jessie: "Hey, come back here! Come back here!" MPDP calls out to Edward as Jessie blathers like she's on dexedrine: "I hope that wasn't crystal. Was that crystal? Did that look like crystal to you?" Frink: "Oh God...shut up!" MPDP: "Who's Crystal?" It must be painful for Jessie to be such an attention whore and yet have people actively ignoring her. Frink: "I see why you call them HOs." I explain it stands for "HomeOwners." Frink: "Sure it does." Man, I wish they'd assigned Doug to work with Jessie. I'd have paid cold hard cash to see that. I don't know if she has any idea how lucky she was to get a designer who chose to ignore her rather than take her on.

Laurie and Jordan are working on some large, white drum-shaped lampshades with a tone-on-tone pattern of slightly irregular squares. They're going to spraypaint them an off-white so they'll be what Laurie calls "subtly bone colour." Jordan nods, "Bony."

Rodney paints something black. Edward comes along and expresses his approval. It seems to be a piece from another room that "needed some help" and which they're going to use as their coffee table; they'll put the original one back in the room they took this from, or something like that. Trying to keep all the furniture swapping straight on this show is like trying to keep on top of who the hell Jennifer Lopez is currently dating/marrying/divorcing.

As Laurie spraypaints one of the shades, Jordan says, "You're not really delegating as much as you are demonstrating." Oh, you noticed? Laurie knows. Jordan assures her that he's got it. Laurie leaves it to Jordan to finish. But she wants to inspect it when he's finished. Of course. Jordan says he'll call her.

Edward and Jessie pin the grey flannel fabric for the slipcover. They're using the part of the original seating unit which forms a chaise longue. Jessie wonders how much the fabric costs. Edward got it for $1 a yard. He says he got it at a major supercentre which he apparently can't name since they don't sponsor the show (yet), but is probably Wal-Mart. Jessie is pleased to hear they're within their budget. That's a damn good deal for decent-looking fabric.

Laurie and Colleen work on pillows in the garage. There's some silky fabric -- with a sheen to it in the mocha colour of the walls -- that will be used for the drapes. Laurie wanted a tone-on-tone effect. She shows Colleen a silk fabric with wide stripes in mocha, dark orange, butter yellow, and mossy green, each outlined in narrow black stripes. Laurie says it's "the inspiration." Colleen says that the fabric is beautiful, and that she loves it. I like it okay, though I'm not much for stripes, and I'd have toned down the orange in it. Laurie says she only bought one yard of it because, "of course," it was $42 a yard. Frink's eyebrows fly right off his face. Then he's got nowhere to go when he remembers that that's forty-two American dollars. He's always stunned by the cost of fabric, whereas I am a fabric junkie and am quite resigned to it. Colleen teases Laurie: "Of course! That's so typical of you! Blowin' the budget on fabric." Laurie knows.

Rodney is stapling white fabric to a strip of wood in what looks to me like a pretty sloppy way while Jessie watches and he explains what he's doing. This fabric is meant to hang on the wall and be gathered at the hem into a V-shape or something.

Laurie says to Colleen, as they stuff and sew, that she heard that the one thing Jessie did not want return to was brown. Colleen laughs and says, "You heard right, honey." Laurie wonders how it is that she didn't know this. We're all wondering. Some of us are tired of these unexplained communication breakdowns. Some of us are also developing strong suspicions that Banyan is setting up both the homeowners and designers for train wreck reveals by carefully editing the information given to the designers. By "some of us," of course, I mean me, but come along with me for the ride. I mean, it seems unlikely that Jessie didn't express her hatred of brown -- it seems unlikely that she wouldn't have expressed every last opinion she has about decoration, in fact -- and I also think it's unlikely Laurie would deliberately choose to build her scheme around the colour the HO hates most. So what gives? Inquiring minds would like to know. Anyway, Laurie wonders what the basis is for Jessie's aversion to brown: is it because she thinks it will be dark and depressing? Colleen thinks so: "I think she's just a bright, cheery person; she likes a lot of colour, and I...I...I don't know." "She likes a lot of colour"? We've seen three rooms in the house which are almost completely just black and white. I think I saw a bathroom down a hall which was a somewhat lurid greenish colour. Later, during the reveal, we see their white hallway with white carpet and white trim and black and white tiles. I think Jessie thinks she likes bright colour but either has no idea how to put it together or is afraid of making a mistake, so she does nothing that isn't incredibly safe. It's just not that risky to have white walls and black furniture.

Rodney and Jessie are stapling the fabric to the wood. She's got the stapler; he's hammering the staples in firmly after she fires each one in. Frink: "I wouldn't trust her with that thing." She asks what he thinks they're doing to their house. He laughs and says he's scared. Jessie says she's scared of what they're doing in this house, so she's definitely scared about what's going on in hers. Rodney guesses that they're doing orange, because the other team's shirts are orange. Note that Jessie doesn't react badly -- or at all, really -- to the idea that there might be orange.

Laurie floats the idea that the reveal will be one of those scenarios where Jessie thinks she hates brown, but once she sees it, will realize she doesn't hate brown. Colleen says, "Let's hope so," and tells Laurie with a laugh that that's a nice try. Laurie laughs, recognizing how unlikely this is. Colleen: "You don't have to live to her." Laurie mocks herself: "'I've hated green my whole life, but I think if I see it up, I'll like it.'" Colleen's not sure she wants to stick around to find out.

Rodney is struggling to arrange the fabric as Jessie waits with the stapler, poised to apply the staple. She's saying, "Let me tell you a little secret. Let me tell you a little secret, here, Leprechaun...Boy." I guess she's calling Rodney that because of his shirt colour, and not because she revels in making him feel two feet tall. Sure. We'll go with that. Jessie then tells him: "Don't boss me. I already told you once. I'll staple your finger. I will." Frink: "I believe her." God, what a bitch! I'm only halfway through this recap, and I want to staple her mouth shut. She seems to have about as much awareness of how she comes across as that guy Keith from American Idol. As excruciating as he was, he was less painful to watch than this. At least he wasn't browbeating a partner. Frink: "What a freak."

Amy Wynn is working on Laurie's shelving unit. Laurie comes out to see how things are going. Everything is going according to plan.

Edward and Rodney are up on ladders, hanging the fabric that's been stapled to the wood strip. Jessie's on the floor holding the nail gun. Frink: "Get your finger off the trigger or point it at yourself. I wouldn't trust her with a wet noodle." Edward asks her to hand him the nail gun. She does, and he orders her to step back: "I don't want you to get hit." Frink: "Liar." Hee! I swear, my husband is usually a really sweet, forgiving, mild-mannered person, but Jessie "The Mouth" Ventura here is really pissing him off.

Laurie's with her team in the living room. The walls are painted, and they've got a big rectangle of cotton batting up on the wall. Laurie says they're ready to put their "artwork" on the wall. I guess she means to mount that silky geometric print fabric on the wall. They're going to staple it to the wall over the batting, trim the excess, and then cover the edges with molding like a framed picture. Yeah, I don't think that's going to work. This isn't the right kind of fabric to do this with. Frink thinks the whole thing is so that Jessie has someplace soft to bash her head against the wall.

Edward shows them how he's going to "gather, gather, gather, gather, gather" the fabric all the way down the wall, cinching it in a point at the very bottom. He and Rodney each hold one piece of fabric in place while Jessie looks at it and then says, "I don't like it. It has to all come off! Take it all down, I don't like it!" Frink: "She thinks she's funny." Jessie says she's just kidding and that it looks cool. Frink starts on a little narrative for her: "She still doesn't know why she didn't get accepted to the cheerleading squad..." Edward says that it will help absorb the sound in there. I don't know how much sound a few yards of white cotton is going to absorb, especially if Jordan's playing electric guitars and a bongo in there.

Laurie and Colleen have got the fabric on the walls. Laurie thinks it turned out really well. Amy Wynn and Jordan bring in the bottom third of the shelving unit. The other parts are all done, too.

Team Green finds Edward in another room with the desktop, ready to be painted.

Laurie tells her team to paint the outside of the shelving unit the same colour as the walls, the inside "russet red," and the molding strips black. That's their homework.

Edward tells Rodney and Jessie to prime the desk and paint it gloss black. He asks Rodney to install the new overhead light fixture. Jessie and Rodney are also to do any touchups that are necessary.

Day Two. Jordan tells Colleen he just can't paint anymore. Laurie comes in and tells them in a fake-scary way that it's not done and they will paint more. Jordan pretends to cry and cower in the corner.

Edward finds his team hanging what looks like a white matchstick blind over the window. It's way too huge for the window, which is incredibly obvious since it allows so much light through that it's nearly transparent, and you can see that it overhangs the walls by several inches on all sides. There's a new pendant light fixture hanging there, which has three bright blue pyramidal shades at staggered heights. Edward says he saw the desk in the garage and that it looks great. Jessie says in her tattletale voice that Rodney made her do all the homework. Yeah, I'll just bet. She points out that they hung up the blind and says that they're overachievers. Edward admires that, along with the light fixture.

Laurie tells her team they have a lot to do, and as she lists it all off, she gets concerned about getting it all done on time. They all go to get more coffee.

Edward says they have quite a few things to install, but he thinks they're in good shape. They need Amy Wynn to come in and help them mount the desk.

Laurie and Colleen are outside, and Laurie's asking her to cut some foam that's already been marked, which will form the seat of an ottoman Laurie's making out of the plastic end table.

Edward admires the upper cabinets of the desk, which Amy Wynn's installing with Rodney's help. Amy Wynn made them a little chunkier than Edward asked for, but he really likes it and praises her for it, acknowledging that it's a lot more work.

Laurie is struggling to screw a piece of particleboard into the top of the plastic end table. MPDP is bearing down on the drill with Laurie, urging her, "You just gotta put some elbow grease into it, Larry -- I mean, Laurie." Hee. Guess that's her nickname. Laurie stops, realizing that the bit is broken. She blames MPDP for it. MPDP holds the drill, looking sheepish, and saying, "Oh my gosh...and I was so cocky about it, too." Laurie agrees, telling her, "You are so in trouble now." MPDP puts the drill down and turns away, covering her face in embarrassment. Laurie: "You just broke my bit!"