Scottsdale: Bell Road

MPDP appears in front of a big cactus wearing jeans (which, according to an article that appeared in the Arizona Tribune, she is in the habit of spraying periodically with water to make sure they remain form-fitting) and a red t-shirt with a very busy heart appliqu on it. Then we see Frank, Vern, and Ty hiking through some rocky terrain. Back to MPDP, who gingerly puts her finger on a cactus while rambling about whether time and budget will be "sticking points" during this episode. She gives a wee yelp and informs us that it's sharp. Don't say Trading Spaces never learned ya nothin'.

Triathletes Tom and Kari are shown running. Their daughter Ryanne, who is nine, wants a more mature room. Ryanne has a very, very girlish room with white walls, beige carpet, and concentrated areas of display/clutter, mostly featuring her extensive doll collection. She's got a feminine white metal daybed with a colourful patchwork coverlet, and a simple wooden chest of drawers. The ceiling is vaulted and the closet has mirrored sliding doors. The window is rectangular with a small fanlight over the middle section. It's covered with white shutters. Ryanne's parents say she wants more of a teenager's room. Kari says Ryanne wants purple walls and bean bag chairs, and isn't sure if she wants dolls on the walls anymore. Kari says she still thinks of Ryanne as her baby and doesn't want anything "goth-y or dark or scary." Well, I don't see Hildi anywhere, so you're probably okay on the "goth-y" and "dark" fronts. But Frank's here, so you're on your own with "scary." How do you feel about...say...monkeys? Kari says that Frank does really great children's rooms, so she's not too worried, and that she can't imagine Ryanne being upset at the reveal. I'm beginning to suspect that the fundamental problem with this show is that if homeowners don't have enough imagination to figure out what to do with their rooms on their own, they also lack the imagination to figure out just how wrong things can go. As we have seen, repeatedly.

We see newlyweds Dana and Chris with their two birds. One bird gives a wolf whistle. MPDP says they want to change their "run-of-the-mill mauve bedroom" into a love nest. Their room is basically identical to Ryanne's, except one wall is painted a muddy purplish taupe colour. I sure wouldn't call that mauve. They have white tab curtains on the window, which look pretty bad, partly because the length is all wrong. There's a mattress on the floor, with two small night tables in light-coloured wood on either side. There is a small traditional-style side table beside each night table; one holds the bird cage. Dana says they just got married and have been trying to add some feminine touches to the house. She looks fondly at the back of Chris's head. Chris -- who reminds me vaguely of a Matthew McConaughey, except with a lot less hair -- stares blankly ahead. I can't tell if he's just incredibly bored, daydreaming about Kate Hudson, or what. I do know that he demonstrates no concern whatsoever that there's a camera on him. He definitely radiates that "this was not my idea" energy so often emanating from male homeowners on this show. Chris says that the room is too blank and too boring and needs some colour. Dana says they're tired of sleeping on the floor. Chris clarifies that they don't sleep on the floor, they sleep on a mattress that's on the floor. Yeah, we got that, what with the shots of the mattress on the floor and all. He'd like a bedframe. Dana helpfully mentions that it's their bedroom. With this couple's assistance I think I can eventually grasp what this makeover's all about. I think it's a bedroom. Dana mentions that they're newlyweds, so they want something sexy. Whenever couples mention that they're just married and want a romantic and sexy bedroom on this show, I can't help thinking, "Already you need help?" I expect that from couples married ten or fifteen years or more, but seriously. She adds, "We want it to be kind of a couth [sic] Kama Sutra environment up here." Um, sure. That sounds like a room Gen would want to do. Chris's face doesn't really react to any of this, but he says he likes the sound of that. He says they want to avoid stripes and florals, and they want something between masculine and feminine. Dana points out they have no light or ceiling fan. Shot of wires hanging out of ceiling. She's hoping they might get a ceiling fan. Chris says it doesn't have to be a fan; it can just be a cool fixture. They bicker for a bit about whether or not it should be a fan. Somewhere, two birds are rolling their eyes.

Key swap. Dana and Chris have their birds. MPDP comments that it's already a zoo, and says she doesn't know if that's foreshadowing anything. Did she know about the monkey at this point? As everyone splits, MPDP complains, "Those birds are going to be the end of me...tweet, tweet, tweet..." Yeah, feel our pain, Mippy.

Vern asks Tom and Kari for their ideas. Kari suggests a proper bed. Vern's down with that. Tom mentions a ceiling fan or light fixture. Vern's on it. Vern says that the two short walls at each end of the room will have very deep colour on them, and the other two walls and the ceiling will be getting an interesting treatment that Kari and Tom will find out about later. There's going to be an entertainment bench along one wall, and they're going to rearrange things slightly. They unload the room.

Frank is wearing one of his loudest, busiest shirts ever and talking to Ryanne's stuffed animals and dolls, advising them, "Now, as cute and precious as you are, some of you are not going to make it back into this room, and I want you to have to realize that and face facts. She's getting older..." Maybe Mr. Winkle and Mrs. Tiddlyboo will need therapy or something. Maybe Dr. Phil could step in. Hey, picture Oprah and Dr. Phil being the homeowners on this show. That'd be hysterical. Oprah's not crafty at all -- and not that she needs to be, with her money, but it's always amusing to watch her struggle with stuff like that when she has certain guests on. One of the most humorous things I ever saw on television was an episode with Martha Stewart as Oprah's guest, explaining how to make your own mirrors by painting silver leaf or whatever on the back of glass.

Piece of glass: $7.50
Silver leaf: $5.39
The look on the face of one of the richest women in the world as one of the other richest women in the world insisted that it was reasonable and worthwhile to make your own mirrors: Priceless.

Dana and Chris and the birds arrive. Frank asks their ideas. Dana says Ryanne's a little girl on the verge of being a woman, or "at least a little lady," so she wants to give her something more grown-up. Chris says, "This is as close as we're gonna get to having kids, so..." So I guess he's got no ideas, is what that means. Frank says he sees tons of colour. Uh oh. The strains of a song beginning, "Isn't it rich..." are appearing, unbidden, in my mind. Frank mentions graphics on the wall, a study area, utilizing the bed but changing it, making the dresser into a TV cabinet, art for the wall, and a drapery treatment. Close-up of Chris looking indifferent. The room is unloaded.

Vern hints at his paint colour by showing his team the fabrics -- a selection of solids in dark blue and purple. He says he knows Dana and Chris like deep, rich colours, and clean lines, and kind of a Zen feel. He says they're going to introduce purple in all its shades and forms.

Frank's ready to reveal his paint. My husband makes a sound halfway between a choke and a gasp when he sees how many cans of paint there are. I count nine. Frank tells Dana and Chris to grab a can and lift the lid. The two they randomly chose are a bright minty green and a coral colour. Oh, lord. They laugh nervously. Frank says that those are two of the colours. He says they're going to "work up to" another colour, at which he opens a can of bright purple paint. It's a fine, fun colour, great for a teenager. He says it's the basic colour of the room. I don't understand the "work up to" comment.

Vern reveals a can of deep blue paint. It's quite a beautiful colour. He says it will dry a little darker.

Frank tells his team to grab brushes. They stand up in front of the wall. The walls have been marked off with tape delineating a horizontal stripe around the middle, maybe six to eight inches wide. He tells them not to paint inside the stripe, and explains that each colour corresponds to a particular shape or icon, and to pick one they like and stick with it. He sketches the way he wants them to paint the shapes and icons; with shapes that are completely enclosed, like a heart or star, he wants the line incomplete, so that there's a little gap. He says they can paint squiggles or spirals or whatever. The bumper to the commercial is Ty sitting in a chair, using a shiny metal dustpan as a sun reflector. No concerns about skin cancer or prematurely aged skin, I guess.

Vern and his team paint. That is an intense colour. Kari says Dana told them to "paint straight." Vern: "'Don't paint swirls, please.'"

A close-up of Frank painting a turquoise swirl on the wall indicates that the walls have that orange-peel texture, which doesn't look anything like an orange peel to me, but that's what people call it. Frankly, it looks to me like it part of the surface was ripped away and it needs to be spackled and repaired, but whatever. Frank seems to be telling his team that they're going to paint all these shapes on the wall, and then paint the purple around them, leaving some white inside each shape. I can't believe it. That seems ridiculously labour-intensive. I also suspect that it can't possibly look that good; it would take a really high level of skill to make that look at all decent. Frank asks Chris what shape he's doing. Chris was going to do a smiley face. Interesting choice for one so expressionless. Frank: "No smiley faces." Man, Frank, you're such a hard-ass. Frank only wants geometric shapes. MPDP asks if she can smile. Frank permits this.

Vern asks his team what they think of the colour, reminding them that it will dry darker. Tom thinks it's pretty bright right now, and that he will prefer it darker.

Frank's team is painting hearts and swirls and stars on the walls in random places. It looks like dood...ling. Frank says they're going to use a roller on the parts that they can -- in between the shapes, I guess -- and get as close as possible. MPDP wonders, if they mess up a shape, whether they can just roll right over it. Frank says no. It finally dawns on MPDP what Frank is intending, and that the walls are going to be a bitch to paint. Frank confirms this and adds, indicating the small brush he's using, "And with a brush this big." MPDP tells Dana she thinks Frank's lost his mind. He says he never had one to lose.

Ty continues with his project of using the dustpan to roast his skin to a crisp, as Vern describes his two main carpentry projects. He tells Ty that everything in the room is going to be "very Zen, very, like, sleek, clean, minimal lines..." Ty: "That's kinda new for you, isn't it?" Heh.

Frank and Chris start working on the chest of drawers outside. Frank says he's going to turn it into a TV cabinet/dresser. He says Ty's building him a cabinet that's going to have a big face on it. Given this show's record with things featuring big faces, I'm scared. Actually, I think it's a rare situation indeed when a design with a "big face" is appealing, successful, and liveable. That could just be my misanthropy talking, though. Except it applies to big animal faces too, and I generally like animals more than human beings, so I guess it's just a big-face phobia. Frank says the dresser frame will be painted black, and each drawer will be painted a different colour. The knobs will be black.

Vern says they're making a king-sized platform bed, and that it will all be made out of birch; no MDF. Ty's so excited about that that the camera operator has to cut away from his lap. Vern says there will be a low entertainment bench, two feet high and seven and a half feet long. There will be some shelves but no doors and no drawers. Ty's chuffed about that, too.

Frank asks Chris was he thinks about the grain and knots of the wood showing through the black paint, in comparison to the drawers, where the colour covers the grain completely. Chris says to leave it the way it is, because it will take less time. Frank's not worried about time, so he wants to know if Chris genuinely likes it the way it is. Frank likes it too, and thinks it will be a nice contrast to the drawers. He decides to leave it that way.

Ty brings some hoses and equipment into the bedroom, followed by Vern, who shows his team a sheet of clear furniture-grade maple. That's what they're covering the walls with. Kari asks if they're painting it mauve. I keep doing double-takes every time somebody on this show says "mauve" because they all pronounce it "mAHv." Whereas the only pronunciation I've ever heard in my life is "mOHv" -- probably because I'm Canadian. Vern explains they're going to keep it light and just put clear polyurethane over it. Kari: "Is that what the hoses are for?" Ty explains that they're for the nail guns.