New York: Sherwood Drive

The Season One credits crack me up, because they seem so melodramatic, for some reason. Alex walks out of a house with cedar shake shingles and welcomes us to "the quaint town of Huntington, New York." I've never been to Huntington, but I knew a girl in college from there and she was...well, crazy. Like, needed medication kind of crazy. So she flunked out. And that's my impression of the town, which isn't really fair, but there you have it. Alex tells us that Huntington is where Walt Whitman lived, and then awkwardly segues into an explanation that Whitman worked as a carpenter. I don't know exactly how to make these host introductions better, but they certainly couldn't be much worse.

Our first couple is Mary and her daughter, Jessica. They love to refinish furniture together. The other couple is Lorraine, and her daughter Allie. They will be working on the daughters' bedrooms. Jessica's bedroom is too modern, and Allie's bedroom is too old-fashioned. Why can't they just trade? The designers are Doug and Vern, and the carpenter is Amy Wynn. It's interesting that Alex says "architect Vern Yip" and "designer Doug Wilson." Like Vern isn't a designer. ["Like Doug is? Kidding. I'm kidding. Nobody email me." -- Deborah] The three of them goof around at an amusement park of some sort, and then we get a weird first-seasonism where Alex has to describe their personalities. Doug tends to break the rules and get caught, as we see him cheating at the ring toss. Vern tends to overachieve and obsess over angles and elevations as we see him carefully measuring the wind speed and angle for his ring toss. But Amy Wynn ends up winning the prize, and she celebrates as Doug and Vern walk behind her, shaking their heads. God, I'm glad they don't do these stupid vignettes anymore. And catch this cheesy Alex dialogue: "Yes, Walt Whitman certainly was a genius. But it doesn't take a genius to know that two male designers working alongside four female homeowners, a female carpenter, and a female host could easily turn into a battle of the sexes." Ugh. It doesn't help that Alex's line delivery is flatter than a pancake. As usual. The Valium, Alex. Ease up on it.

Lorraine and Allie cook in the kitchen. You can totally hear the crew guy tell Lorraine to turn around and face the camera and...yikes. She looks like she was rode hard and put away wet. There's a lot of mileage on that face. From the back, she looked much younger. To give you a visual, Lorraine looks like a cross between a pre-makeover Linda Tripp and a post-makeover Linda Tripp, heavily favoring the "pre-" part. Allie looks like a cross between Amy Fisher and Meadow Soprano, but dumber. Yes, I said dumber than Amy Fisher. Allie says that she would like to see dried flowers and lacy types of things. Lorraine clarifies that Allie would like a romantic Victorian style. Allie adds that she doesn't have a man, and Lorraine says that they're trying to get her one. Inappropriate. In Jessica's bedroom, they want a relaxing retreat, because she has a stressful job and commute.

For her own room, Jessica knows what she doesn't want. Jessica likes minimalism, and doesn't want frilly flowers and lace. Mary adds that Jessica would like a fountain or something to calm her down. For Allie's room, Mary wants a country feel, with romantic touches and soft fabrics. Jessica adds that they could do handwritten love poetry on the walls. Ugh. That sounds very...Frank.

Then there's a really long segment where Alex tries to impress upon them that they are in for two days of hard labor, and they have to be committed. It seemed weird on first viewing, but it all comes full circle later. They all agree, and swap keys. Their exit takes way too long, like, you can tell that when the new production company took over in the second season, they really learned how to zip things right along.

Alex voice-overs that Doug wants to add a Zen feeling to Jessica's room by removing the carpeting, adding grass cloth to the walls, and painting the walls sage. He also plans a custom mirror and fountain, and a new bed. Doug flops onto the bed as Lorraine and Allie enter. They joke that the bed is situated the wrong way. It appears that the headboard is actually on the side of the bed. Weird. Doug asks what their goals are for the room. Lorraine says that they want it pretty, peaceful, and relaxing. Lorraine promises that they are ready to go. Doug pulls a typical Doug move by telling the women to grab all of the heavy things while he grabs some vases to take out. The Clearing-the-Room Montage follows.

Once the room is clear, Doug rolls out the grass cloth that is going on the walls. The background is a sage color. Doug has some other fabric that will be used for a duvet cover. Doug also has some tubing, some rope, and some twigs, which he promises they will get to later. Lorraine asks if they are going to make a tree. Doug jokes that they are, and then admits that they are going to make a fountain in the corner. He admonishes Allie for not painting. Oh, if he only knew. ["I think of this episode as the one where Doug lost his innocence." -- Deborah]

Vern tosses a huge collection of stuffed animals on the floor in Allie's room. How old is she? She seriously has, like, thirty stuffed animals in a tiny wicker rocking chair. Alex voice-overs that Vern is going to add a lilac color scheme to the walls, and add indigo velvet panels, a new duvet, and a giant wall clock. He's also adding a new television cabinet, and some fish that will appear to be floating above the bed. Jessica and Mary enter, and Vern asks for their thoughts as he sits in the tiny wicker chair. Mary and Jessica rip on Allie's paint job, and then say seriously that they need to repaint the walls. Mary thinks the color should be soft, for a romantic country look. Vern seizes on the "romance" part and ignores the "country" part. They take out the eight million stuffed animals, which begins the Clearing-the-Room Montage.

Alex brings three Siamese Fighting Fish in small glass bowls into the room. Vern says that they are going for modern romance, because Allie isn't twelve anymore. Alex butts in to say that Allie is twenty-four. That makes the whole stuffed-animal thing even scarier. Vern opens the paint color and paints some right onto the carpet. It's a pale lilac, which he says will go onto the walls and ceiling; since Allie painted all the trim the same color as her walls, they'll have to repaint that, too. They're basically saying that Allie is an idiot without actually saying that.

Vern gets interviewed on the Alex Cam. He says that he knows she is concerned about the fish. Vern says that they would never jeopardize any animals for the sake of a design; he explains that they asked the people at the pet store what the minimum container size was that they could use, and then doubled that. Vern explains that the Siamese Fighting Fish, especially the males, are very solitary and, if put together, would fight to the death. Alex adds, "Kind of like you and Doug!" Vern laughs and says that he loves Doug. But the smile seems a bit pasted on.

Amy Wynn walks into Doug's room just as Doug is saying that the room is "Zen-riffic" and "Zen-sational." Amy Wynn explains that she needs to find out the measurements for the mirror, so she needs some help bringing them in. Lorraine offers to help. Doug rolls up the grass cloth, explaining that they don't have a lot, so they need to be careful with it.

Vern tells his team (plus Alex) that they are going to have indigo fabric in the room, as well as some sconces. Meanwhile, Doug holds up a parallelogram-shaped mirror to show Amy Wynn where he wants it to go. Vern takes down the ceiling fan while saying that he doesn't hate them in general, but that one needs to go, plus he has a new five-arm chandelier for the room. Vern's team has already nearly finished painting the room.

Amy and Doug continue to discuss the mirror as Lorraine carries in a basket. Doug says that he found the baskets for $10 each, and that they are made of banana leaf. Lorraine likes them. Doug explains that they are going to be used as lampshades. Allie laughs, because there's a paintbrush stuck inside the basket. I get the feeling that ol' Allie isn't too bright.

Vern asks his team if they like the paint color. They do, but they aren't sure that it's what Allie is expecting. But they think that's cool. Mary is sure that Allie will love it when it's done. Vern hopes so.

Doug explains to his team that they only have thirty minutes budgeted to paint the room, so if it's not done in that time, it's not getting done. Lorraine asks if they should paint the radiators. She pronounces it with a short "a," like it's rad. Doug turns it into a po-tay-to, po-tah-to thing. Lorraine plays along with him. I don't think Allie gets it.

Vern meets up with Amy Wynn. Alex voice-overs that the front doors of Vern's television cabinet are going to be made out of picture frames. Amy Wynn demonstrates how she made a curve for the doors, and Vern praises her. Vern helps Amy Wynn brings the other door over. It's a really long segment for no reason.

Mary and Jessica marvel on the Alex Cam at how quickly the painting went. Alex asks if they like the paint color. Jessica says (again) that it's probably not what Allie is expecting, but Jessica thinks she'll like it in the end.

Alex doesn't understand the whole parallelogram mirror thing. Amy Wynn shows her the drawing. The mirror is framed in cedar boards that run at an angle from floor to ceiling. Amy Wynn explains how it will all be attached.

Jessica tells Vern her idea about personalizing the room by writing some verse on the wall. Vern jokes that they should write something about how hard they worked, or about how Vern is a slave driver. Jessica says that they should write it in blood, and they all die laughing. I think the paint fumes are getting to them. Vern says that blood color won't match the room's color scheme. Only Vern would point that out. Which is why we love him. Vern gets serious and asks about the verse. Jessica reads, "For where your treasure is, there will be your heart." I'm not even sure what that means. That Allie should marry a rich guy? Vern likes it.

Doug says that no one is asking him why the mirror is on an angle. Amy Wynn says that she thought it was just a design choice. Alex asks what the reason is. Doug doesn't know. They all laugh. Doug says that there are a lot of other angles in the room, so it seemed to fit. He adds that it's "Zen-sational."

Back in Vern's room, they are still all excited about the verse on the wall. Vern adds that he didn't have anything planned for that particular wall, and didn't have any money to buy anything else, so it will work out great. I am kind of anti-writing on the wall, because I feel like you will get sick of it in about a month. Then again, you could always paint over it.