When the WWF announced that they would be teaming with MTV to air a reality show about wrestling, I knew it was the recapping job of my dreams. I mean, reality shows on MTV? Check. Wrestling? Check. So I begged and begged Wing to let me do it. And she was all, "Well, I don't know. I mean, dude, we cancelled WWF Smackdown, and we didn't want to tell you at the time, but your recaps were...well, they sucked." And I was like, "I promise this will be better. There are auditions! Like Popstars!" And she was like, "[Sigh.] I guess. But don't screw up, Reed, or there will be hell to pay. Hell to pay!" So I'm scared. ["That is basically how it went down, except I usually curse a lot more than that." -- Wing Chun]
The show begins with a wrestling montage that looks suspiciously like the openings of both Raw and Smackdown, as on-screen text tells us that there will be thirteen contestants, but that only two will win the grand prize -- a guaranteed contract with the WWF.
Once that's out of the way, we get to see all our favorite WWF superstars: Triple H, Kurt Angle, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock. Kurt Angle walks out of a door wearing a t-shirt that says, "I'll Make You Tap Out!" What a lame slogan. Kurt asks us whether we've ever wondered what it would be like to be a WWF Superstar. Um, not really. Another superstar montage follows: The Dudley Boyz, Grandmaster Sexay (hey, didn't he just get fired?), Edge. The Hardy Boyz walk down a hallway. Matt tells us that for some of them, "it takes several years to earn the right to call [themselves] WWF Superstars." Wisely, they don't ask Jeff to do more than walk and chew gum -- that's about all that he can handle. I know he's pretty, but he's not the best speaker. Chris Jericho tells us that thirteen men and women will have the chance to see if they have what it takes to make it in the WWF. Montage: Lita, and the same shot of Edge we saw a moment ago. Chyna tells us that two of the contestants will win WWF contracts. Triple H growls that this is "a hell of an opportunity," and that the contestants had better not take it lightly. Triple H tells us that the current superstars don't take it lightly, so they "will all have a hand in their training." Good thing this was filmed before Triple H got injured, huh? The Undertaker tells us that it all began with each potential contestant sending in a three-minute video.
Now we get to see some of the aforementioned videos. The first guy, Josh Lomberger, explains why he wants to be a wrestler. Some huge guy in a metal shop throws a piece of metal shaped like the WWF logo to the ground. Some dude tries to cackle evilly, but it literally sounds like he's saying, "Muah ha ha ha." On-screen text tells us that over four thousand tapes were submitted. An Asian guy flexes the little he has for the camera. Some guy with a ski mask on flexes for the camera. Two scantily clad chicks wrestle in a bedroom. No, really. A frightening black lady with gigantic breasts (think Jacqueline but not as pretty) slaps her own ass. An Undertaker wannabe rolls his eyes into the back of his head. Some guy tells us that we can't handle the Moose. If you took Christopher Titus and blew him up with a bicycle pump, you'd have the guy, who refers to himself as "Boy Gone Bad." The clips start coming fast and furious now. Some girl pulls her nose up to resemble a pig's snout. A really fat guy dances topless. A very fey gentleman says that he's "supposed to be evil." A lot of guys with big muscles pose and prance around. Scary Boob Lady from before yells out, "Stupefy!" Some guy does the Hulk Hogan "I can't hear you!" gesture. Doesn't he know that Hogan and the WWF aren't exactly on good terms right now? Not too smart. A guy tells us that his first name is "Cham" and his last name is "Pain." Get it? Finally, the montage is over. But boy, do I feel bad for the people who actually had to watch all of those tapes.
New York City: WWF New York, the WWF-themed restaurant in Times Square. Once again, some text tells us that over four thousand tapes were submitted. I guess they thought you might be doubled over laughing at some of the losers in the montage, and missed that information the first time around. Not a bad guess. There is a huge line outside the restaurant, stretching around the block. Nicholas from Texas tells us that he got there at 3:00 AM to be first in line. Why would you want to go first? I would want to go last, frankly. On-screen text tells us that 230 people were chosen to audition. So, they sent in tapes and then still had to come wait in line at the audition? Couldn't they have assigned them time slots or something? On-screen text tells us that only twenty-five will be chosen as semi-finalists. A pretty girl tells us that she got there at 6:30 AM. No, thank you.
The contestants enter the restaurant and start signing in and filling out paperwork. Jamie from Tennessee feels that he is there because God sent him there to be "the wrestling pastor." Hee! Here's the thing with a lot of these contestants: they already have their gimmick worked out, when I'm sure the WWF is more interested in a good wrestler than a good gimmick. Also, a lot of them seem to be wearing their personas at all times, which just isn't necessary. This cues a montage of people saying where they came from. Suffice it to say that they came from all over, including one chick from Australia.
up is Nidia, a twenty-one-year-old from Texas. I don't get her; she talks like she's from Brooklyn. Maybe she just recently moved to Texas. Nidia says that she was excited to get in the ring because she's a big wrestling fan. At the panel's request, Nidia jumps rope for thirty seconds. Tazz notes that she's out of breath. Nidia says that she can work on it. Tazz continues giving her a hard time, asking whether she knew she would have to get in the ring. They argue, and Nidia stands tall, not backing down. Jacqueline gets on the microphone and starts asking Nidia whether she thinks she can hang with her, and points out Nidia's potbelly. Damn, that's cold. Nidia replies, "I can lose my potbelly, and girl, it's on!" She's ballsy. I like her.
Greg is twenty-three and from Reading, Pennsylvania. He's really cute, and he's got a nice body. Ooh, except for the bacne. And he's not a teenager. I'm not trying to point fingers here, but it could be steroids. Greg tells us that his older brother was a great baseball player; Greg always tried to live up to his brother's standards as an athlete, but always ended up second-best. Greg jumps rope in the ring, easily.
Now we see a bunch of candidates doing "the rope test," where they shuffle from one side of the ring to the other, touching the bottom rope on each side. A couple of guys are pretty fat. One girl looks like she's doing a dance step. Hey, I think that's Beardy O'McBeardigan from Bands On The Run. One guy doesn't understand the "sidestep" part and runs from side to side. The judges look bored. Oh, another runner -- and this one is easily three hundred pounds. Yikes. And then he falls in the middle of the ring. Tazz asks Fatty what made him think that he could physically withstand the WWF. Ooh, it's Robert -- the one we saw standing outside, from Lowell, Massachusetts, that I assumed would be important later. Later is now. Robert says that he has the required determination and endurance. Tazz reminds him that he just fell in the middle of the ring, and that he's in "atrocious condition." You might think Tazz is mean, but he's really doing some of these people a favor. If they can't hack him now, they'll never make it in the WWF. They start paying right here -- in sweat. Tazz is so the Debbie Allen of this show. Al Snow tells us that there are dreamers among the candidates -- people who sit on the couch and think they could be wrestlers, but are completely unprepared. That speech cues a fat loser montage of people tripping on the jump rope, or falling down. One chick in a red vinyl jumpsuit loses her blonde wig while jumping rope. Hee! One guy can't even get the jump rope around once, and yet somehow thinks he will have the coordination to wrestle.
up is Tara, an eighteen-year-old from Pennsylvania. Tara's nickname is "Tara-ble," because she can be a bitch. Tara tells us that she felt "inadequate" because some of the other girls had huge breasts, and all she had was a padded bra. Tara delivers a speech detailing how mean she can be, but she must be really nervous, because she sounds like she's about to cry. Also, she looks a lot like Julianne Moore. Tara concludes by saying that the WWF is missing "a big bitch like [her]," and the crowd breaks into applause. In an interview, Tara compares the audition process to a roller coaster. She's bubbly. Al Snow notes that Tara is "terrible" physically, but has a great personality.
William is a twenty-three-year-old from Illinois. In an interview, William tells us that it's the first time he's met a famous person, and he was trying to stay calm. There's something weird with William's eyes. Al Snow brings up the fact that William's dad died, and that William has been a father figure to his younger brother. William says that his brother has gotten involved in gangs, so William wants to be a role model for his brother and other troubled kids, and prove to his father that he was listening to all of his father's good advice. I know it sounds cheesy, but William is so sincere that it's really very touching. Tazz likes William.
It's time for another montage. This time, the candidates are doing "the bag test." There is a punching bag lying in the ring, and they are supposed to jump over it laterally for thirty seconds. Many of them trip over it. Tazz tells them that it's not a joke. Some people don't really get the jumping part, and step over it. One guy's pants start to fall down and we see his tighty-whities. Hee! The last few are really good, though.
Jason is a twenty-three-year-old from Maryland. He has a great body, and a shaved head. He also has a girlfriend. The judges wonder how he will handle being in training and away from his girlfriend for thirteen weeks. Jason thinks that his girlfriend will be supportive. Famous last words. Jason tells us that he just recently fell in love. His girlfriend tells him that he has a cute nose, and that she loves him. Yeah, I've watched enough reality television to know that they're headed for a breakup.
The candidate is Shadrick, a twenty-year-old from Texas. The judges ask whether Shadrick has a girlfriend, and he doesn't really answer, so they surmise that the girl thinks she's his girlfriend, but that Shadrick likes to play the field. Tazz asks how he'll handle living in the house with women. Shadrick says that he has to get his and they have to get theirs. Everyone laughs.
Kristy is a twenty-six-year-old from North Carolina. In the ring, she reads her lines from where she has written them on her arm, and gets busted by Al Snow. Al tells her to ad-lib. It doesn't go well. Thus begins another loser montage. Some fat guy addresses the non-existent fans. Two bimbos call themselves the Spice Sisters. Yeesh. They start wrestling each other until the judges mercifully tell them to stop. Mick Foley pops up and asks whether that was supposed to be a spanking. Aw, Mick. You have to love him. Several losers (most of whom are overweight) try to sound like bad-asses, à la Triple H. One guy rolls the muscles in his belly. Al Snow tells us that you either have charisma or you don't. Some of it can be learned, but you have to have something to build on.
Speaking of charisma, Maven is up . As the judges explain the bag test to him, Maven notices Jacqueline watching him and throws her a wink. Hee! Tazz busts him, and Maven makes a joke. In an interview, Maven calls flirting with Jacqueline "a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity." Yeah, because she'll beat you to death afterwards, so you only do it once before you die. The judges like Maven.
Dustin (the Vanilla Ice/Conan hybrid who wants to help dying children) tells us that he was suicidal at one point, and that Bret "The Hit Man" Hart saved his life by being an inspiration. I'm glad he didn't kill himself (I guess), but that is the saddest thing I've ever heard. Some of the women discuss whether their breasts are real or fake.
Stacy is twenty-seven years old and from Australia. She's got a lot of red hair. The judges explain that she's good, but that she's "a little long in the tooth." Now I'm depressed because she's younger than I am. But then again, I'm not trying out to be a wrestler. Stacy thinks that the WWF needs someone with Aussie charm and "real puppies." No, not dogs. Breasts.
Speaking of breasts, the woman with the leopard-skin cowboy hat and bikini top is in the ring, bouncing around. Her name is Bobby Jo. Al Snow asks her why they should choose her. Bobby Jo says that she always gets what she wants, and that her brother sent in her audition tape. In an interview, Bobby Jo looks a lot better without the platinum blonde hair, and explains that she ad-libbed the audition tape. Bobby Jo tells the judges that her "biggest goal is to do Playboy." I can't believe there are women out there who can say that with a straight face. I don't have a problem with pornography, or with women posing nude, or what-have-you, but to say that it's your biggest goal in life is kind of...well, pathetic. In an interview, Bobby Jo says that she thinks the judges are looking for someone who stands out, and who is willing to "take that extra step and go all the way." In other words, she'll go naked at Pay Per Views, and now that the Kat is gone, they need someone like that.
Darryl, a twenty-five-year-old from Michigan, enters the ring. He's a big boy. Darryl tells the judges that he is six feet, seven inches tall and weighs three hundred and thirty pounds. I wasn't kidding about the "big" part. In an interview, Darryl says that he's "a constant spectacle" because of his size. For a big guy, Darryl jumps rope pretty well.
Tom is twenty-one years old and from New York. He looks way older than twenty-one, and resembles a skinnier Dennis Quaid. In Tom's audition video, he explains that he's been a rock star, a model, and a movie star. I hope that was his persona speaking, because otherwise he might want to add "pathological liar" to that list. Tom's audition consists of him boasting about his body, and how great it is. Al Snow points out that Tom likes himself a lot. As he walks off, Tazz tells the other judges that he "can't wait to get this guy in the ring and break him." I can't wait to watch it!
Al Snow explains that during the "character demonstration," the judges want to see whether the candidate is capable of stepping outside his or her personality and connecting with the audience. Kenneth, a twenty-eight-year-old from Rhode Island, is in the ring. Kenneth is a custodian, and his persona is "Evil Custodian." I hope he didn't hurt himself thinking that one up. In character, Kenneth threatens to disinfect us. I wish that I were making this up. The scary black lady from the opening threatens to stupefy us. Some chick mentions the Macarena. Others make fools of themselves some more. Al Snow massages his temples as if he has a headache. Sharbel, a twenty-year-old from Illinois, claims to be Vince McMahon's illegitimate son, back to claim his part of the business. The judges all crack up. Sharbel looks Hispanic, possibly, and Al Snow points out that Vince is Irish. Sharbel says that he's half-Irish.
In an interview, Tazz explains that he likes to see how the candidates act in the ring, with no shirt on, in front of the judges. He points out the current candidate, who calls himself the Wolfman, and howls. Tazz doesn't think that will work in the WWF. Because the WWF is classier than that? Please.
Some of the candidates sleep in the green room where they are waiting. One guy makes a phone call to complain about how long he has been there. Tazz tells us that he wants someone who's been standing in line for eight hours or more without complaining. A candidate named Brian gets in the ring and thanks the judges. Tazz looks pleased. Except Brian goes on to thank them for making him sit in a room for ten hours. Tazz is not so pleased.
More people sleep in the green room. Tazz walks in and tells them that they are lucky to be there, and that if they want to bitch and moan, they should leave, because if they want to be big stars, they have to pay. He's so Debbie Allen. He needs to get a big stick to pound on the floor. Tazz notices one woman sleeping through his tirade, so he tells her to "take [her] shit and [her] glamour ass and get out." Everyone looks uncomfortable when Tazz leaves. Tazz explains that he and the other judges never got the opportunity that the candidates are getting, and that it took him ten years to get into the WWF. I was wondering if any of the wrestlers are bitter about this. Especially the ones who don't get much camera time.
Taylor, a twenty-one-year-old woman from Washington, is in the ring. Al Snow tells the camera that this is exciting, when clearly he means the opposite. In an interview, Taylor tells us that her parents don't support her doing this, because they equate the WWF with the lack of intelligence.
Chris is a twenty-two-year-old from Massachusetts. In the ring, he says that he played football at Harvard. He's got a great body, too. He's like the perfect candidate: well spoken, in great shape, and if he graduated from Harvard, he's clearly not afraid of working hard to meet a goal. In an interview, Chris says that he brings a different perspective to the WWF. Tazz asks about Chris's training with Killer Kowalski (who also trained Chyna and many other wrestlers). Al Snow wonders whether there is anything they could teach him, and Chris says that of course there is, because the WWF is the best. Al Snow tells him that there's nothing wrong with brown-nosing.
Another loser montage. A chick yodels into the microphone. Another chick wears fake hick teeth and a fake pregnant belly. A third chick says that she's "a dirty bitch." Many, many men brag that they will destroy their opponents. Al Snow talks about the "bright future" of the WWF demonstrated today, and then bangs his head against the wall.
10:00 AM the morning, and the candidates are lined up outside to find out which twenty-five candidates will move on. Paulina (the blonde Chyna) says that she's nervous, but she hopes to make it. The judges look over the final twenty-five and discuss any last-minute changes. Someone brings up Darryl, the Big Boy. They all agree to put Darryl on the list, but we don't find out whom he bumped. I note that the MTV people are arguing more for Darryl than the WWF people are, but I don't know what that means. The judges post the list on the door of WWF New York, and everyone crowds around to see who made it. If a contestand's name is on the list, he or she gets to go inside.