Okay, did I miss the beginning of this episode on my recording? Because I feel like this episode started in the middle and I'm super confused. Anyway, apparently the finale is filmed live? And the final challenge is to cook a five-course meal in front of a live audience. All nine former winners are there. Brooke and Kristen are cooking in what looks like an Iron Chef or Chopped kitchen stadium. The whole thing just feels bizarre and off-brand. The judges are Tom, Gail, Emeril, Padma and Hugh.
Anyway, they each have sous-chefs. Brooke has CJ, Stefan and Kuniko. Kristen has Sheldon, Josh and Lizzie. After each course is served, the judges offer live critiques and decide who won the round. Apparently, if someone wins three rounds, they win. So then do they stop cooking? Even if it's like round three? This is fucked up. Here are the courses:
First Course:
Kristen: chicken liver mousse with frisée, mustard, prune, hazelnuts and pumpernickel. The judges love the flavors and the only complaint is Gail's; she didn't like that the lettuce covered the mousse.
Brooke: crispy pig ear and chicory salad, six-minute egg, apricot jam and candied kumquats. We saw her making a version of this in her restaurant in the episode. Everyone loves it, although a few judges felt the pig ears were overcooked -- we saw CJ burning them in the kitchen.
Kristen wins the round with votes from Gail, Hugh and Emeril.
Second Course, where they are required to cook scallops:
Brooke: seared scallop with salt cod puree, speck, black currant and mustard seed vinaigrette. None of the judges have a bad thing to say about the flavor, how the scallop is cooked or the concept.
Kristen: citrus and lavender cured scallop with bitter orange, Meyer lemon and apple. Kristen really loves those Meyer lemons. It's her fennel. The judges also have huge compliments.
Brooke wins the round but it's close -- Hugh has to be the tie-breaker.
Third Course:
Brooke: vadouvan fried chicken wing with sumac yogurt-tahini and pickled kohlrabi fattoush. The judges are surprised by the dish and Brooke explains that she wanted to redeem herself after her fried chicken fiasco. Emeril loves it and Tom likes the elements, but isn't sure how they mesh.
Kristen: celery root purée with bone marrow, mushrooms, bitter greens and radishes. Tom has questions about the mushrooms and Padma is mad that the dish isn't hot. Gail and Emeril love it.
Despite it not being hot, Padma casts the deciding vote for Kristen to win the round and she leads two to one.
Fourth Course:
Brooke: braised pork cheek and red snapper with collard green slaw and sorrel puree. All of the judges love it and they especially appreciate the sorrel and the pomegranate.
Kristen: red snapper with leeks, little gem lettuce, tarragon, uni and shellfish nage. Gail has a problem with the leeks, but Hugh totally rips on her for being upset about using a knife.
Because the episode is only an hour long and the judges start announcing their votes at like minute fifty-four, it's pretty obvious that they won't be doing another round. Kristen wins the round.
Which means that Kristen is the Top Chef! Pretty amazing that she came back from Last Chance Kitchen. I hope Josie feels like a real asshole. I'm not sure why she should, but I just hope she does in general.
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So the finale starts without the typical "Previously on Top Chef" segment. Instead, Padma is walking down the steps in a huge open kitchen stadium and introduces the finalists, Brooke and Kristen, while the live studio audience cheers madly. What the fuck is this? I guess I should give it a chance. Anyway, behind Padma, we see Kristen and Brooke already cooking with help from previously-eliminated cheftestants. What are they cooking? What is the final challenge? I'm so confused.
And isn't it a great way to begin a final episode? Confusing the people who have actually watched the entire season including every episode of Last Chance Kitchen? I mean, if I'm confused, people who have only watched sporadically must have already changed the channel, right? This format is bullshit.
Padma explains that the finalists are making five dishes that will be served to the entire studio audience (who are seated at tables like this is dinner theater) and the judges (who are seated at an Idol style judges' platform). And the first dish goes out in a few minutes. They're already plating? But what was the challenge? Was it just "Cook five dishes"? How did they choose their sous chefs? I'm so confused.
Ooh, they're going to a taped segment. Clearly, this will explain everything. Okay, so far they're just showing clips that explain how Brooke got here. I've got a tip: she didn't lose any challenges. And how did Kristen get here? She did lose a challenge, but then she won Last Chance Kitchen. Brooke thinks Kristen is her stiffest competition. Kristen wants to win. Okay, none of that is information that I didn't already know, but if someone didn't watch the whole season, I guess that was necessary.
Okay, now we're back in the kitchen but it's three hours earlier. Three hours earlier than what? The opening? Is this Lost? Why are there flashbacks? Everyone is cheering wildly as Brooke and Kristen come out into the stadium kitchen and join their teams. Brooke asks, "What is this?" GOOD QUESTION, BROOKE! Why is this show suddenly turning into an Iron Chef/Chopped retread? Nothing against those shows - I have enjoyed both from time to time. But it's not what I'm looking for from this show. Anyway, they've already chosen their teams, so I guess we don't get to see that, and they already know what the challenge is, so I guess they're not going to tell us that, and they have three hours to cook. By the way, Brooke's team is CJ, Stefan, and Kuniko, and Kristen's team is Sheldon, Lizzie, and Josh. Why didn't Kristen pick Stefan? What order did they choose those people in and why? These are questions that I guess won't be answered, unless we get another flashback.
Because everyone is confused, Padma explains in voice-over that the finalists will prepare their best five dishes and compete in rounds. The first one to win three rounds wins the competition. Wait, so if someone sweeps the first three, they just win? The last two dishes just get scrapped? What about the idea of making a whole meal where one dish flows into the ? No one cares? This is weird.
Brooke voice-overs that she's selected team LA, since all of her sous chefs are from the West Coast. She chose Stefan because he's quick, CJ for his palate, and Kuniko for her precision. Kristen chose her sous chefs because they're "good people" with "no egos." Well, I guess we know why she didn't choose Stefan. If she even had the chance. Kristen and Brooke explain the dishes to their sous chefs. I'm not going to go through them because we might not even get to see the last two, so why bother? Brooke interviews that they have to use scallops in the second round and snapper in the fourth round. So there are conditions to the challenge. Good to know.
Padma introduces the judges (Emeril, Hugh, Tom, and Gail) as they enter through the kitchen. They stop and look at what the cheftestants are making but we don't get to hear any of their comments or what they think, because why would that be interesting or illuminating? Padma also explains that all nine former winners have returned to dine. I'm sure they will fully take advantage of that unusual circumstance as well. Gail tells Stephanie that they will finally have another female winner to join her at the table, and Stephanie says it's about time. Hear, hear.
Now we jump back to the "present" as there are five minutes left before serving the first course. Brooke explains her pig's ear dish to CJ; it seems like the same dish we saw her making in her restaurant in the episode while she was on break before the finale. CJ seems to be making most of the elements so that Brooke can focus on plating it. Meanwhile, Kristen is making a chicken liver mousse, which she explains that she's made a million times before. She's concerned about the number of plates that she needs to put out, since that isn't her experience.
Brooke smells something burning and the judges note that CJ is completely burning the pigs' ears and it's not like he's distracted - he's just standing there watching them burn. That seems like something to follow up on, right? Like was he daydreaming or did he think they needed to be blackened? Anyway, the audience is raucous and wild and it's not really adding much to the show if you ask me, although I'm sure it is making the cheftestants feel even more tense. And finally, it's time to serve the first course.
Kristen serves first, and she prepared chicken liver mousse with frisee, mustard, prune, hazelnuts, and pumpernickel. Emeril says that they've seen chicken liver from Kristen before, and she nailed it this time around. Tom thought it was well-seasoned and had good balance, and Gail says it was perfect, with a "velvety-airy texture." Gail's only complaint is that the lettuce was piled on top and overwhelmed the dish a bit.
Brooke serves crispy pig ear and chicory salad, six-minute egg, apricot jam, and candied kumquats. Tom thought that all of the elements worked well together, and Emeril agrees that he liked the dish but his crackling were overcooked. CJ! Brooke says she didn't want them to be super crunchy. Padma says that her pig ear was crunchy without being burned, and Hugh compliments her ability to make a great salad dressing.
Padma announces that it's time to vote on which dish should win the round, and reminds us that the first one to win three rounds wins the competition. I know that they usually do judge by round, but they eat all five rounds first and then decide, which seems fairer to me. I do not like this method. Anyway, Hugh says that he votes for Kristen because he thought her plate was clean and simple. Gail also votes for Kristen because she liked the combination of chicken liver and crunchy hazelnuts. Emeril also votes for Kristen, so she wins the round. We don't get to see how the other judges voted. The audience applauds and Padma reminds Brooke that she needs to catch up and sends them back to cook the round.
Brooke tells CJ that the judges liked both dishes but said that Kristen's was perfect. Brooke voice-overs that she had some execution errors in her first round, and it won't happen again. Then there's a weird Padma voice-over reminding us to watch more after the break. That just makes the show seem cheap and weird; it feels like I'm watching Hell's Kitchen or some other cheap reality cooking show.
After the break, Padma voices over that Brooke and Kristen are cooking scallops in round two. People are running around and cooking but I have no idea what exactly Brooke and Kristen are making, or why they chose this preparation. That's what I like about this show - it gives you insight into the thought process behind the dishes as well as explanations of particular techniques. This is just a bunch of people running around, slicing, cooking, and then there's food! Lame.
Kristen asks Sheldon to make a cure for her scallops and gives him specific instructions. She does say that she wants to keep her food simple and clean so she's serving the scallops raw. Finally, some insight. Brooke and Kuniko agree that they need to clean the scallops really well. Brooke details her dish but I have no idea what half of the ingredients are so it doesn't give me a lot of insight. She instructs Kuniko on how to make her vinaigrette. The crowd cheers for CJ.
On to a taped segment called "Brooke's Road to the Finale." Again, didn't I already watch this? Is this a reunion show where we need to revisit the entire season? I watched all of these episodes, most of them more than once to recap them. But I feel like it's pretty rare that people tune into this show for just the finale, so I'm not sure why we need this reminder of how Brooke got here. Maybe Bravo has numbers that show the opposite. Anyway, she had a few stumbles, but by and large, she cooked food that the judges loved. I mean, duh. It's not like she got to the finals by cooking food that no one liked. And she has a kid. The end.
Gail gets pressed into service to go talk to Brooke's family in the audience. Her kid fell asleep. Heh. Her husband says that he always knew she would make it to the finals. Her mom says that, as a kid, Brooke watched cooking shows instead of cartoons. Fascinating.
They start plating the round as former winner Michael Voltaggio says he's jealous and wishes he were down there. Some of the cocky pricks from this season (Josh, Stefan, et al) could take lessons from Michael Voltaggio on how to talk the talk and walk the walk. I don't know that I would want to be that dude's friend, but I wouldn't mind eating his food. Meanwhile, the judges talk about how Brooke needs to be more aware of the details, because she didn't even see that CJ burned the pigs' ears. Was that why she lost the round? We'll never know.
Time to serve the second round. Brooke made seared scallop with salt cod puree, speck, black currant and mustard seed vinaigrette. There are so many ingredients on the plate that Brooke can't even remember all of them to list them off for the judges. Tom says that he loved the combination, and sometimes she uses so many ingredients that they fight against one another, but everything works on this plate. Hugh tells her that the flavors are bright and well balanced. Emeril loves that she used salt cod.
Kristen serves citrus and lavender scallop with bitter orange, Meyer lemon, and apple. Kristen really loves those Meyer lemons. It's her fennel. Tom says it's exactly what he expects from her: clean, simple, and delicious. Padma agrees, and Emeril says that it's a great dish as well.
Time for the voting! I used an exclamation point but I'm not that excited about it. I hate the voting. Gail votes for Brooke, because the combination of flavors was perfect. Emeril votes for Brooke also. Tom votes for Kristen, because her combination of sweet, sour, and briny highlighted the scallop better. Padma votes with Tom. Hugh has to be the tie-breaker, and he votes for Brooke. The audience sounds piped in are lame. Some of the applause is clearly added after because it only roars up when needed for dramatic purposes, and that's not how audiences work. Anyway, they are tied one to one.
Kristen and Brooke head back to the kitchen to cook the third round. Brooke is going to do fried chicken and Kristen is going to do bone marrow. Kristen is going for more complex flavors since her first two courses were so simple. Brooke wants to redeem herself for the fried chicken challenge, which no one remembers or cares about. Bad idea, Brooke. This is your time to cook whatever the hell you want, and you choose a dish that is probably fine but also probably not the best example of your potential as a chef? No.
The judges discuss the competition. Tom thinks that Brooke's flavors are generally more home-cooked, but then she'll whip out something like squid stuffed with lamb or the frogs' legs with mussels and show her complexity. Kristen tends to go for more subtle and artistic dishes, but Tom's not sure her concepts always translate to serving a crowd. I would like more of this judges' discussion and less of Brooke and Kristen tasting things from a spoon and saying, "More sugar" or whatever. And chopping an onion. I get it. They're cooking. If you're not going to show me something that will directly translate to me understanding the dish, give me some insight into what's going on in the judges' heads.
Now let's find out how Kristen got here! Because I have no idea. She just popped up suddenly in the finale and I've never seen her before. I will admit, I did forget that Kristen's roommate Stephanie was actually on the show this season. I did NOT forget that Josie was a terrible garbage person and it led to Kristen getting eliminated. Gail goes and interviews Kristen's family. They are sweet but not that interesting.
Cooking, cooking, cooking. Padma asks Tom what Kristen's doing and Tom says he doesn't know, but it smells like a mushroom-soy umami bomb. This is actually where, if they were going to copy Iron Chef, they should have borrowed the sideline reporter trope, because I would love to see someone in the kitchen asking what's going on. Richard Blais would have been great in that role. Plating, plating, plating. The crowd counts down the final seconds led by stupid Josie who should get kicked in the face.
And the third course is served. Brooke made vadouvan fried chicken wing with sumac yogurt-tahini and pickled kohlrabi fattoush. I had to look up what vadouvan is; apparently it's a spice blend that tastes somewhat like curry. The judges try to eat the fried chicken but it's more of a traditional chicken wing, and thus messy. Hugh says he wasn't expecting chicken wings, and Brooke says that she wanted to redeem herself. Emeril thinks it's delicious. Tom says he doesn't think she needed to do it, and he liked the spicy chicken wing, but he's not sure how the entire dish works together.
Kristen serves celery root puree with bone marrow, mushrooms, bitter greens, and radishes. Emeril loves the "earthy tones" and thinks it's delicious. Tom pauses for a long time before asking why she stewed the mushrooms instead of roasting them, and Kristen says she wanted the bone marrow to shine. Padma is really, really sad that her dish wasn't hot. Like she acts like her goldfish just croaked. Cheer up, Padma. Gail loved everything about it.
Voting time. Emeril says that Kristen served his favorite dish. Tom gives it to Kristen as well, for more developed flavor and a more interesting dish. Padma says it was a tough decision, but Kristen served the favorite dish. Was it difficult? The only problem we heard about with Kristen's dish was that it wasn't hot enough. So Kristen is up two to one, and if she wins the round, we're done.
Brooke promises us that her fourth course will be tough to beat. Apparently, the sous chefs can't hear the judging because CJ comes up and asks Brooke what happened, then promises that they'll kill it this round. As opposed to the last few rounds where he was phoning it in?
Weird interstitial. All of the former winners offer advice to the finalists. They mostly say things like "Relax!" and "Do you!" Having all of the winners together is such a missed opportunity. This is probably one of the few times all of these people have been in one place. I would love to see some sort of roundtable discussion talking about what they learned from being on the show, how it has affected their lives, their best and worst memories of the show, etc. Instead, we get this little nothing interstitial and then a brief mention in a little bit. Boo.
For the fourth course, they have to cook snapper. Kristen interviews that this is the dish that she's the most confident about, and she actually practiced it before she came. Brooke voiceovers that she's nervous knowing that this dish could be the one that sends her home. She's pairing the snapper with pork cheek in a play on surf and turf. They chop and cook and give instructions.
Blais and Stephanie talk about how there are a lot of pressure cookers being used, but that's a good way to braise meat when you don't have a lot of time. Padma voiceovers that these are all the former winners and we get a quick list of all of the former winners and how many restaurants they've opened and how many awards they've won. Various winners say that winning has taken their careers to another level. Padma goes and sits at their table and we learn the fascinating facts that the show has changed a lot from the first season, and that Stephanie is excited for another female winner. Padma asks Ilan what it was like seeing himself on TV and he says that he looked fat and puffy and his hair always looked like crap. Padma snarks, "Nothing has changed, then." That was actually a sweet burn by Padma, especially since Ilan is kind of a jerk. Blais points out that he's the only one at the table who has both won and lost in the finale, and he thinks that both of their lives will change. Padma asks Michael Voltaggio if he thinks Brooke is feeling the pressure. No, she doesn't feel any pressure. What a dumb question. And that's all from the winners!
Brooke is really happy with her dish and thinks this will tie the game. Kristen is worried about her fish being perfectly cooked. They both start plating and comment on how intense it is. Since they're getting ready to serve and the episode is at the :50 minute mark, it's pretty obvious how this is going to go. They don't have time to show another course.
Brooke serves braised pork cheek and red snapper with collard green slaw and sorrel puree. Hugh thinks the snapper is perfectly cooked, and he's all for collards being the new kale. Tom likes the combination of the pork cheek and snapper, and thinks the pomegranates bring a nice snap. Emeril likes the sorrel, and Gail likes the play between the various elements and the tartness added by the pomegranate.
Kristen made red snapper with leeks, little gem lettuce, tarragon, uni, and shellfish nage. Tom thinks the snapper is beautifully cooked and he likes the depth of flavor. Gail likes that she left the snapper alone, but was troubled by the leeks being "long and stringy" which made them "difficult to cut." Hugh thought the uni pairing was nice, and says he didn't mind having to use a knife. BAM! Gail. Take that.
It's time for the final vote, so let's waste some more time. Tom asks Kristen if she ever thought, when she was voted out, that she would make it to the finals. Kristen says she kind of forgot that she was actually voted out once already. Tom reminds Brooke that she won the most competitions of anyone, and Brooke says that she wants to win this to prove that she wasn't just winning because Kristen wasn't there. And then they waste more time with each cheftestant saying that she really wants to win. And hey, let's go to commercial! So now we definitely know that Kristen won, because there is absolutely no time to show the fifth round. So might as well turn off the TV now.
Time to vote! Gail says she thought Kristen's flavors were harmonious and she couldn't get enough of the uni. I guess the stringy leek was minor. Emeril pauses for a long time, very dramatically, before voting for Kristen and saying it was cooked perfectly. Padma reminds us that if Kristen gets Tom's vote, she wins. So what says Tom? He takes a really dramatic pause and then we get shots of I guess their families in the audience but since all of the lights are out, they're just kind of blue shadows? Just another fuckuppery in this episode of fucked upedness. Anyway, Tom votes for Kristen and she wins.
Everyone hugs and cries. Kristen is happy. Brooke is disappointed. I'm so glad this episode is over. It was terrible. I'm totally fine with Kristen winning; I'm even glad that it sort of validates the Last Chance Kitchen concept. But this episode was God awful for all of the reasons I detailed above. Let's hope they never do it like this again.
Because the episode is only an hour long and the judges start announcing their votes at like minute fifty-four, it's pretty obvious that they won't be doing another round. Kristen wins the round.
Which means that Kristen is the Top Chef! Pretty amazing that she came back from Last Chance Kitchen. I hope Josie feels like a real asshole. I'm not sure why she should, but I just hope she does in general.