By Kim
Quickfire Challenge: The cheftestants go to an oyster farm and dig oysters. Emeril and Padma challenge them to cook oysters for Emeril, with half doing a hot preparation and half doing a cold preparation. The bottom three are Bart, Josie and John. It's extra hilarious because John interviews how he's an oyster expert and also a New Orleans expert. Apparently, he's not a cooking expert. The top three are Lizzie, Micah (finally!) and Brooke, and the winner is Brooke, who made fried oysters with arugula and lemon.
Elimination Challenge: They pair off in teams of two and have to cook a dish inspired by a roller derby name. Before they start cooking, they go to a roller derby bout and Josie is seriously obnoxious and perhaps has a few too many beers. When they get home, she gets into it with Micah and accuses him of being a closeted gay man. Ohhhhkay.
Judges are Padma, Tom, Emeril and Hugh Acheson. Here are the teams, who they were paired with and the dishes served:
Brooke and John had Cutta Rump: Thai beef with lobster jasmine rice and Thai slaw. The judges like how the flavors build and that they are bold.
Bart and Josie had Teriyaki Terror: steak teriyaki with forbidden rice, beet blood and green papaya salad. The judges find it underseasoned and the rice is overcooked.
Lizzie and Micah had Jalapeno Business: crab stuffed jalapeno with avocado cream, onion and pepper relish. The judges think it's crispy and the flavors are great, although it is spicy.
Stefan and Kristen had Eddie Shredder: corn puree, chicken liver and sunny-side up egg. Emeril thinks the corn and liver are cooked perfectly; Tom wishes they had added shredded chicken since their concept was "inside-out chicken."
Josh and Sheldon had Tempura Tantrum: tempura yuzu curd with shiso, Fresno chili, sweet potato and vanilla. The judges love all of the sauces, but don't think the tempura is right because the oil didn't get hot enough. Sounds like an equipment failure.
The top four are John, Brooke, Micah and Lizzie. Tom tells them they delivered on bold flavors and great food. The winning team is Brooke and John. Anyone else feel like Brooke dragged John along? Let's look at their records.
The bottom four are Josie, Bart, Sheldon and Josh. Tom says that Sheldon and Josh had a decent dish with a major flaw while Josie and Bart's dish was all over the place. The judges question Josie and Bart to try to figure out who's at fault for their mess of a dish. They tell Josh and Sheldon that their tempura didn't work and that was the main part of their dish. Sheldon made the tempura.
Ultimately, Bart goes home for underseasoning the rice, which has been a problem with him all along.
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If you remember at the end of the last episode, Josie and Stefan got into it in the Stew Room, so we open on the following morning. Stefan interviews that, when Josie gets stressed, she talks a lot and he finds it annoying, but in the food business, people call each other assholes all the time and then just get over it. This is a business in which I could never work. I've been a part of that type of culture before and it totally stresses me out. But some people love that shit, so whatever, right?
The cheftestants are all up early and they find a note on the kitchen island with an address. They have to drive somewhere and pick something, but they don't know what and they don't know where. Luckily, they have GPS and they quickly discover that they're going to a shellfish farm. Of course, John has heard of the farm and knows what types of shellfish they have. Micah interviews that his father was a pastor so they weren't allowed to eat shellfish (Jewish? Muslim? I don't know), so he never had it until he went to culinary school, and now he loves it.
They arrive at Taylor Shellfish Farm and discover that they're going to be digging up oysters. They don waders and walk out to discover huge, gigantic oysters. John, and this is going to shock you, gives everyone a lecture about how oysters get their flavor. Josie gets her boot stuck in the mud, and Brooke can't help her out. Micah and Stefan end up helping her and Micah gets his pretty leather coat dirty. And then Josie falls over too.
You guys! John has a lot of experience with oysters! It's like, everything they do, this guy has experience in that area! Either that, or he's a giant blowhard. You make the call. Everyone starts eating fresh, raw oysters. Bart also has experience with oysters because his family owned a restaurant when he was growing up, but Sheldon has never had fresh oysters since they don't have them in Hawaii. Well, now that we have learned everyone's oyster background, let's go back to the kitchen!
When the cheftestants return to the kitchen with their bags of oysters, they find Emeril and Padma waiting. Emeril explains that when he knew they'd be filming in Seattle, he definitely wanted to do an oyster challenge and this is it. For the Quickfire, the cheftestants have to prepare oysters on the halfshell. Half of them will get to do a hot preparation and half will do cold - they get to choose by grabbing a colored apron (red for hot and blue for cold). They have twenty-five minutes and time starts. Everyone wants to do a hot preparation, so people like Sheldon get stuck doing a cold prep even though it's not what they wanted.
Everyone gets to shucking. Brooke has trouble with the brittle shells, and ends up chipping off shell more than popping them open. Micah can't believe he gets to cook for Emeril, who is one of his childhood heroes. He must have been a weird kid. John is also an expert on New Orleans, and all of the restaurants therein, so he's making a play on the way a famous New Orleans restaurant serves oysters but he's using a foam instead of a heavy cheese sauce. Stefan is smoking his oysters and I don't know why I thought it would be more complicated than blowing smoke into a plastic bag with oysters in it, but that's pretty much it. Josie is making a sauce that breaks, and she struggles to reincorporate it.
Time's up! Emeril is ready to eat some oysters. I am so grateful that no one is talking about the alleged aphrodisiac properties of oysters, I can't even tell you. Kristen made oysters hot with caramelized honey, tomato broth, celery leaves, and chili. Emeril liked the celery leaf. He would. Stefan made cold smoked oysters with potato vinaigrette and flash frozen salt. Emeril likes the crunch of the salt. Look at Stefan getting all molecular gastronomic on us! Josh served cold oysters with pickled cucumbers, white soy, cilantro, and red chili. Emeril asks if he shucks a lot of oysters as he picks oyster shell out of his mouth. Welp, Josh won't win.
Lizzie made cold oysters with crushed currant juice and crushed pink peppercorn. Those are some pink oysters. Emeril liked the drizzle of olive oil and Padma grins that the red currant worked. Brooke made cold oysters with salsa verde, cilantro, horseradish, and red chili. I am super into horseradish right now. Thought you might like to know that about me. Anyway, Brooke also has shells in her oysters, so no go for her. John brags about his New Orleans restaurant knowledge and Padma has the greatest, "Oh-kaaaaaaaay" in the world, so he made oysters poached in garlic butter with Swiss chard and garlic parmesan foam. Emeril likes that the cheese isn't heavy, and Padma agrees that it was smart to do a foam.
Speaking of things that are heavy, Josie has made wood-roasted oysters with chorizo and cilantro cream. She has drowned those poor oysters in this ugly, awful bright orange sauce. They look like oyster nachos. It's so Guy Fieri. The nicest thing Emeril can say is that the chorizo is not overpowering. Since the whole challenge was to highlight the oyster, Josie added two more strong flavors. She has no subtlety.
Micah made crispy fried oysters with arugula salad, hot sauce, and lemon. It's a pretty classic oyster presentation, I think. Emeril likes the seasoning, as it's flavorful but not overpowering. Bart made oysters with champagne, butter, and cream. No comment from the judges. Sheldon made oysters with chilled Old Bay broth and ginger scallion pesto. Emeril liked the hints of ginger.
Emeril says that everyone did well overall but a few people missed the mark. He thought Bart's use of butter and cream masked the champagne and oyster flavors. Emeril noticed that Josie's sauce broke, and it was not good. He thought John's preparation had no pop. I mean, Emeril likes spicy, and notice that most people did include some chili or horseradish or even lemon.
So which were Emeril's favorites? He liked Lizzie's oysters, even though the color was off-putting at first, because she took a chance and it was delicious. He thought Micah's were also risky (really?) but popped, and Brooke's salsa verde was delicious but didn't take away from the oysters. But the winner is Micah. Well, finally Micah actually wins something so all of his cockiness and bragging doesn't looks QUITE so terrible anymore. He's got something to back it up.
Moving right to the Elimination Challenge, Padma says they'll be cooking for one of the hottest sports teams in Seattle, and a bunch of ladies on roller skates enter the kitchen. Padma introduces Seattle's derby team, the Rat City Roller Girls. Lizzie is totally out of touch and didn't even know that people still roller skated. I mean, Whip It is only one of the great movies of our generation, or at least a generation, am I right people? Not to mention my friend and former co-worker Pamela Ribon's novel Going in Circles, an instant classic. Anyway, Padma says they'll be cooking for the party after tonight's final bout of the season, and they have to partner up. There's a lot of awkward mumbling and the odd ones out are Josie and Bart, who end up together. Ugh, Josie's laugh. Bart says he paired with her because he's a team player, which makes no sense in this context.
Padma says they have to cook a dish inspired by one derby girl's name. Their choices are Teriyaki Terror, Jalapeno Business, Eddie Shredder, Kutta Rump, and Tempura Tantrum. They explain that they don't want fussy food but they don't want concessions either. Since Micah won the Quickfire, he and Lizzie get first choice, and they pick Jalapeno Business. They tap Sheldon and Josh to choose ; they pick Tempura Tantrum. Stefan and Kristen choose Eddie Shredder, then John and Brooke pick Cutta Rump, and Josie and Bart get Teriyaki Terror. They get two-and-a-half hours at the rink tomorrow to cook for a hundred people, and they'll be attending tonight's bout to get inspired.
The cheftestants show up; Josie is really, really fired up about it. I guess they are in some sort of special box seats? Because otherwise, their seats are effing terrible. I mean, they're in the nosebleed section. But they do get to drink so there's that. Josie is an enthusiastic fan, which I appreciate, but she's an idiot, which I don't appreciate. Like I'm all for yelling and hooting and whatnot, but at one point, she's cheering on her girl, who is sitting on the bench. Josh points this out and Josie says she's trying to "get her on the court" which...isn't how roller derby works. I think Josie may have been overserved a bit. She tries to get everyone else to yell too, but no one is interested, so she tells them they're boring and leaves. On her way out, she knocks over Bart's drink and doesn't even notice or apologize.
Once they get home, Josie lies down on the couch and passes out sort of. Stefan wants to know what happened and Josh says Josie was being obnoxious and loud, as usual, and Micah is also pissed. Josie overhears them and starts going off on them for talking behind her back. Micah says that no one called her a name. Josie then gestures to her body and says, "This tree right here? You don't wanna bark up, MICAH." What is she even talking about? She's a buffoon. She caps off her tirade by accusing Micah of being in the closet. Everyone just stares at her as she stalks off, because where did that come from. Bart tries to talk Josie down, since he has to cook with her the day, and at least he gets her to drink some water.
The day, we don't get to see what happened in the morning when everyone was sober; we pick up the action as the cheftestants enter the rink to start prepping their food. Lizzie and Micah have never worked together, but they plan to make what is basically a jalapeno popper, refined. Bart is speaking to Josie like she's an easily spooked horse: "Nice and easy, baby." I guess that's one way of dealing with her. Micah interviews that he didn't think the antics were necessary last night, but he's just here to focus on the food. I bet he also didn't come there to make friends. Josie interviews that with her ethnic background (Puerto Rican, Italian, Filipino), she likes to be aggressive. I thought she was talking about her fighting skills, but I guess she was talking about her spices. It's interesting, because Bart is Mr. Bland, so I don't know what's going to happen with their dish.
Stefan gives John shit for being old, as usual, and John tells everyone about how he's an expert at roller rinks and he built the first roller rink and he invented roller skates and also rinks. And roller derby. John then interviews that Brooke reminds him of his daughter (HOW OLD IS JOHN SERIOUSLY) and then he tells a sob story about how his wife took his daughter away when she was a year and a half and apparently he hasn't seen her since or something? Look, it's pretty rare that a court would give full custody to one parent unless the other parent (John) was a total fuckup. But of course, it's not John's fault! He was trying to start his culinary career! As well as becoming an expert in everything in the world! Anyway, he's pretty sad now that he apparently hasn't been able to pick up a phone or join Facebook or whatever and get in touch. I'm crying no tears for this dude.
Sheldon and Josh are doing a tempura dessert with different flavored dipping sauces. Josh has seriously never heard of tempura, I guess? He's shocked that it's like pancake batter. Stefan interviews that he can't believe Micah is making a jalapeno popper, basically, and explains that since their skater is Eddie Shredder, they are making a chicken that got shredded and turned inside out, with corn, eggs, chicken liver, and some other bullshit. But I don't think there's any actual chicken. Stefan and Kristen flirt over how old he is. Turns out he's the same age as me. Wow.
As time runs down, Bart gives Josie a taste of his rice and asks if it needs more seasoning. She nods and then says it needs a lot more, but she's busy chopping something so she leaves it up to him. Everyone makes their final preparations and plates their food as time runs out.
The rink fills up with people on roller skates, and it really makes me want to strap on my skates and skate around in my friend's basement. We used to belt out, "Don't Cry Out Loud" by Melissa Manchester. Baby cried the day the circus came to town, y'all. Anyway, the judges walk in (not on skates BOO) and it's Emeril, Padma, Hugh, and Tom. I'm always disappointed when Gail's not there. Emeril talks about how he used to go the roller derby growing up, and Padma says she used to frequent the roller rink. Hugh busts out a line he's clearly been planning for a while: her derby name would be Padma Smacks Me. Anyway, it's time to eat.
The judges stop by Brooke and John's table first. Their skater was Cutta Rump, and they made Thai beef with lobster jasmine rice and Thai slaw. Padma likes the smell, and Hugh says that the flavors build well, and the lime in the slaw adds nice acid.
up are Bart and Josie with their skater Teriyaki Terror. They made steak teriyaki with forbidden rice, beet blood, and green papaya salad. The rice and beet blood are served in a cup (they're supposed to be the terror) so it kind of looks like a cup of blood. Lumpy blood. Which is pretty terrifying. Teriyaki tastes it and says that the taste is "unique," and Hugh asks if she means unique good or unique crappy. She's too nice to say, but she clearly means unique crappy. Tom takes issue with the way that the steak was cooked. Padma likes the idea of the blood red rice, but thinks the rice is overcooked and underseasoned, and Tom agrees. Ouch.
Hugh still wants to talk about derby names, even though everyone else seems to be over it. He suggests Emeril "Roux the Day" Lagasse, but Emeril prefers the simpler "Bam Bam."
More food! Lizzie and Micah's skater was Jalapeno Business, so they made crab stuffed jalapeno with avocado cream, onion, and pepper relish. Hugh says it's better than he thought and Tom says it's really good. The pepper is crispy with good flavor. Jalapeno (the skater, not the food) likes that they took a party favorite and "elevated it with the crab and the avocado crema." Ooh, someone's a fan of the show. Also, that elevating part is key.
The judges move on to Stefan and Kristen's booth. They had Eddie Shredder, and made corn puree, chicken liver, and sunny-side up egg. Emeril thinks the corn pudding is delicious and the liver is cooked perfectly, but his egg was a little overdone. I'm shocked that they were able to cook that many eggs even close to the right amount on site. I can barely cook two eggs how I like them on my own stove. Tom thought they missed an opportunity to add some shredded chicken, although he doesn't explain what it would add to the dish other than whimsy.
And finally, Josh and Sheldon had Tempura Tantrum and they made tempura yuzu curd with dollops of shiso, Fresno chili, sweet potato, and vanilla. Josh advises the judges to drag the skewer of tempura dessert through all the sauces to make a "temper tantrum" in their mouths. Well, at least he tried to fit the theme. Emeril loves the concept, but the tempura wasn't fried enough. Hugh agrees that the sauces were great. Emeril diagnoses the problem; they were working with a small fryer and kept having to bring it back up to temperature after each batch, which is difficult.
Emeril announces that some of the teams could have been bolder, while some executed perfectly, so now they want to talk to the teams and find out who did what, both for winning and losing purposes.
As the cheftestants hang out in the Stew Room, Padma enters and asks to see John, Brooke, Micah, and Lizzie. Once they're facing the judges, Padma tells them that they are the top two teams. Tom compliments them on their great, bold flavors. Emeril tells John and Brooke that everything was cooked perfectly, and that Micah and Lizzie managed to ensure that the jalapeno didn't overpower the crab, so both flavors came through. Hugh announces that the winning team is Brooke and John. John is psyched to have won, but he can't just be happy, so he has to add that he wishes he had won alone.
Back in the Stew Room, the others ruminate on why those teams were chosen, and Josh bitches about how Micah and Lizzie basically made a jalapeno popper, crab be damned. Someone's bitter! John walks back in and says, "Third time's the charm." Dude, no one but you has been keeping track of how many times you've been on top or bottom or whatever. Everyone just stares at him until finally Stefan says, "You won?" and then they clap half-heartedly while John acts like they're giving him a standing ovation. Anyway, he has to send in the losers: Josie, Bart, Sheldon and Josh. So Stefan and Kristen are the only ones who didn't get sent back on top or bottom.
Once the losers are out there, Padma tells them that they served the worst dishes of the party. Ouch. Don't sugar coat it, Padma. Tom says that Sheldon and Josh had a good concept with one major flaw, while Josie and Bart's dish was all over the place. Bart volunteers that he made the rice, the beef, and the beets. So what did Josie do? Oh, she did the teriyaki marinades. Wow, way to contribute.
Josie doesn't want to say that she thought Bart's rice sucked, but she does admit that she knew the texture was off. She was hoping that the flavorful beets would compensate for underseasoned rice. Tom gets really mad because apparently he reminds the cheftestants ALL THE TIME that combining flavor with bland just equals bland. I do not remember him ever bringing this up before, but he's REALLY mad about it. Tom then basically says, "Bart, your food is always boring but Josie, didn't you taste it and tell him his food was boring?" Josie says she did tell him to season it more, but admits that she didn't taste it again after he reseasoned. Bart says he thought Josie agreed that the seasoning was good, but Hugh confirms it was like beet syrup over boring porridge. Ouch.
Moving on to Sheldon and Josh, Josh thought they were creative and bold. Tom asks if they know why they're there, and Josh says it must have been the tempura, and Sheldon knows that the tempura wasn't cooked well. Josh comes up with dumb reasons why it happened, and I don't know why they don't just say, "It was a small fryer, and we should have allowed more time for the oil to get back up to temperature. We didn't, and the tempura wasn't fried in hot enough oil, and that's out fault." I think the judges would respect that. Josh then has to ask why the jalapeno poppers got a pass, and Tom says that they elevated it through ingredients and technique. Has that ever worked, ever? I mean, it's not like the dish in question was also on the bottom two. It was on the top. What does Josh hope to accomplish by bringing that up? Padma says that jalapeno dish had some risky parts too, but their risks paid off and Sheldon and Josh's didn't. Tom concludes, "The main part of your dish was a disaster."
Then there's a dumb filler segment where each cheftestant says how they don't want to go home. Wow, that's interesting.
Time to announce who's going home. Tom says that Sheldon and Josh screwed up the tempura, which was the main part of their dish. Josie abdicated responsibility for a big part of her dish, which is terrible teamwork, and Bart made bland food. So which of those is the worst sin? Please let it be Josie. Please let it be Josie. Oh, it's Bart. Boo. I mean, I have very little impression of him so I don't really care. In his exit interview, Bart says that Josie puts on "the Josie show" for the judges. I don't think the judges fall for that, and I think Bart could have stood behind his dish more. Or made a dish he was proud enough to stand behind.
If you don't want to know what happened on Last Chance Kitchen, stop reading now:
Last Chance Kitchen: CJ and Bart have to cook a well-seasoned chicken dish. CJ goes for clean, simple flavors with a bit of smokiness; Bart kind of throws everything but the kitchen sink in there. Tom thinks that both work well and compliments Bart on seasoning his dish perfectly, but he thought the flavor profile was a bit overwhelming for chicken and would have worked better with venison. CJ wins and continues on.