By Kim
Quickfire Challenge: Make a sweet and savory holiday dish that shows off your heritage using product placed sugar replacement. And because those aren't enough tricks, the entire kitchen has to share one knife. The judge is that one Midwestern lady whose restaurant reviews went viral last year. Brooke wins with a sophisticated take on an apple pie.
Elimination Challenge: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris ask the cheftestants to cater their homecoming party, and the winner gets a car. Here's what they served:
Bart: loin of elk with cherry beer sauce and mushroom couscous. The judges think it's well-balanced but could use a pinch of salt.
Brooke: lamb stuffed squid on black rice with coconut milk. The judges think it has every flavor and texture in one bite.
Sheldon: Okinawan pork belly with seared scallop and rice congee. The judges think every bite is a surprise, in a good way.
Stefan: German gulasch with marjoram bread dumplings and sour cream. The judges find it rich and delicious.
Kristen: Delice de Bourgogne tortelloni. The judges think it's the perfect bite.
Micah: braised short ribs with celery root puree, grilled apples, and celery leaf salad. The judges think there's too much cream, and has too many components.
Lizzie: crusted King salmon with radish and beet salad. The judges didn't think the sear was good enough and not seasoned enough.
Eliza: elk ribeye with elk sausage polenta, spiced carrots and huckleberry port sauce. The judges think the meat is fine but the rest of the dish is bland.
Danyele: pan-roasted wild boar, hoppin' John, and tomato-bacon marmalade. The judges think it's sliced too thin and cooked unevenly.
Josh: roasted pork shoulder & grilled corn puree with succotash and fennel apple salad. The judges don't think the pork is seasoned.
Josie: Malbec braised short ribs, pork belly, polenta with cippolini onions and figs. The judges think there's not enough contrast.
John: seafood chowder with cockles, manila clams, crab, mussels, and sockeye salmon. Rick Moonen calls it "a hug from the ocean," and Padma thinks every component was cooked perfectly.
The top four are John, Kristen, Brooke, and Sheldon, and Brooke wins it! Wow, two wins in one episode. Good for her. The bottom four are Eliza, Danyele, Josh, and Micah. Ultimately, Eliza is sent home because her meat was poorly cooked and her vegetables were poorly cooked and underseasoned.
After last week's elimination and dressing down by Tom, Brooke cries in the Stew Room while Stefan says that this is the hardest thing he's ever done. John interviews that it was terrible to hear that their food was not up to snuff, and Josh is upset that his pork dish nearly got him eliminated, since he has made his living cooking pork. Josh's restaurant is called Divine Swine, and Stefan jokes that he will have to change the name to Divine Cow.
The morning, the cheftestants enter the kitchen to find Padma and Internet viral sensation Marilyn Hagerty. You know, that lady who writes restaurant reviews for the Grand Forks Herald, and last year everyone had a field day making fun of her review for Olive Garden? I feel kind of uncomfortable with this for two reasons; first, it's pretty snobby to make fun of people who eat at Olive Garden, no matter if their food is kind of awful, and second, the other side, where people go, "Aw, isn't she cute?" is also snobby in a different way. I mean, if you grew up in a city where there are many fine dining opportunities, then Olive Garden probably isn't your first choice. But if you (like me) grew up suburban or rural, then there probably aren't many non-chain restaurants that server something other than pizza and wings within a thirty-minute drive. So guess what? Olive Garden becomes your "fancy" restaurant. Anyway, I think she's a nice lady who might not have the refined palate of a Hugh Acheson, but she doesn't deserve the internet's snark. Then again, she agreed to be on the show, so I'm torn.
Marilyn explains that she's been writing about food for more than thirty years, reviewing ordinary restaurants, and now she has a book deal with Anthony Bourdain, and she calls it a "hoot." I love her. Anyway, their challenge is to make a sweet and savory holiday dish based on their family's heritage. Plus, they have to use the product-placed artificial sweetener. Gross.
They all draw knives and everyone except Lizzie gets a knife that says "Off Limits." Padma explains that none of them can use their knives; instead, they will all have to share one knife. Jesus, could we add any more gimmicks to this challenge? I feel like JUST the heritage thing or JUST the artificial sweetener thing or JUST the one knife thing is enough. We don't need all three.
Time starts, and everyone rushes to get ingredients but smart Josh goes for the knife first. Other people are trying to grate onions or chops with spatulas. Someone is using a pizza cutter to peel an apple. Heh. It's like cooking with my children. Danyele interviews that she's adopted so she doesn't know her genetic heritage, but her parents are her parents, and she's making a dish that her mom makes every year. Lizzie grew up in South Africa, having Christmas around the pool, and she's making a traditional South African lamb dish with custard. Micah is making tamales because he's half Mexican, and Josie is also making tamales. Stefan grew up in Finland with smoked salmon and his Jewish ex-wife used to make latkes, so he's combining them. Brooke is making baked apples with cheddar cheese, and she's worried her dish is too safe, but she'd rather it be safe than bad. Josh is making johnnycakes, and it makes him miss home. Bart is Belgian, so he's obviously making a waffle. Why not play into the stereotype?
After plating and wiping down plates, it's time to serve the dishes. And here's what they served: Josh makes a johnnycake with bacon, cheddar, chili compound butter, and a sous vide egg. That sounds fucking awesome. I'm a breakfast fan and an egg fan so yes, please. Danyele made bread pudding with ham, raisins, and pecans. She had me until "raisins." Get those things out of there. Lizzie made a bobotie with grand lamb, egg custard, and roasted apricots. It's cute, but I'm not a fan of lamb. Sheldon made banana lumpia with peanut butter mousse, coconut, and pineapple. That seems very Hawaiian or Pacific Islander at least. Padma calls it "very sophisticated."
Micah made pineapple and pork tamale with charred tomato and tomatillo salsa. Marilyn's never had a tamale before. Well, at least she won't have a baseline to compare his to; as far as she knows, this is the greatest tamale ever! Bart made waffles with celery three ways, apple puree, chicken, and prosciutto. I will never understand using that much celery in anything. I like celery as a snack or to add crunch in a salad, but it's not like I love the flavor of celery so much that I want to add it to a savory dish. Maybe I'm missing out. At least it's not fennel. Padma teases Bart that chicken and waffles isn't exactly a traditional Belgian food.
Brooke made an apple crostata with cheddar cheese, candied pine nuts, and apple salad. Padma thinks it tastes homey, which Brooke interviews doesn't feel like a compliment. Stefan tells them that his ex-wife is Jewish, and he married her twice and divorced her twice. Of course he did. He made smoke salmon tartare and potato latkes with sour cream and chives. Josie made a tamale with habanero masa, mangos, and papaya. Marilyn likes the combination of flavors. John made a bondino of Parmesan-Reggiano, figs and apricots in port wine and product-placement caramel. Hey, look, the company's not paying me so I'm not going to pimp their product. I don't know how I feel about cheese and caramel. Eliza says her family loves to fry things so she made hush puppies two ways: shrimp and sweet potato, and sausage and corn.
Time for results. Marilyn thought it was an amazing display of creativity, but she thought Bart had too many different components, and Micah's was too dry (but she thought it was a taco). Look, even if she was wrong, it was still dry. Marilyn liked Josh's basic dessert that he made appealing, Stefan's tasty and inventive dish, and Brooke's basic apple pie taken to the level. And the winner is...Brooke! Brooke interviews that she thought her dish was embarrassing, but she's so happy that she won. I'm not sure what the lesson was here - playing it safe works? Maybe playing it safe works if the judge is a food critic from South Dakota.
Padma rolls right into the Elimination Challenge: Married funny people Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are having a homecoming party since they're both from Washington State, and they ask the cheftestants to cater it. Anna tells them that they're huge fans of the show, and adds that she's pregnant, so she loves to eat. Chris pretends like he didn't know she was pregnant, because he's funny. The party is the day and each cheftestant has to cook one dish that caters to Chris and Anna's tastes. The winner gets a Prius.
They have five minutes to talk to Chris and Anna about what they like. Anna says that they love wild salmon and Dungeness crab. Anna says she's German and Chris is Norwegian, so they like meat and potatoes, but they're also adventurous eaters. Chris adds that they love all kinds of game, and his friends and family are all big eaters, so they should make their food "good and abundant."
Then there's a commercial for the Prius. Later, while they eat dinner, Brooke shows off the plastic lizard that her son gave her so she could have a piece of him while she was gone. Josh talks about how it's weird that he and Stefan have become friends, because when he watched Stefan's season, he thought Stefan was "douchey." I can see why they're friends - they're both kind of jerks. Stefan has enough natural charm to usually overcome anything awful that he says; Josh doesn't.
The day, they all rush into the kitchen and start cooking. Kristen explains that she's gotten really into making pasta lately, so she's making a tortolloni. I had to look that up, and it turns out it's a larger, square tortellini. Eliza plans to make elk, since Chris said he's into game, and she's from Colorado so she knows how to cook game. Danyele is working with boar chops but they're cut really thin. We never seem them shopping this season, which I don't mind because those segments were usually useless, but I would kind of like to know if she ordered them butchered that way or if they just showed up that way or what. Stefan yells out that there's twelve minutes left when there's actually three hours and cracks himself up.
Sheldon has decided to go another way since everyone else is doing Northwestern food and cook something more from his homeland of the Pacific Islands. Josh is making pork, since he screwed it up in the last challenge, and he wants to show the judges that he does actually know how to cook pork. It's funny because John asks about his dish and then walks away before hearing the answer and Josh goes, "Good talk." Okay, Josh. You got me with that one.
John is making clam chowder, and has to namedrop that he learned how to make it from Rick Moonen, who makes the best clam chowder in the world. Kristen and Stefan flirt over the plastic wrap (who knew that was possible?). Everyone packs and wraps their food and heads out.
The party is being held at the Chihuly Garden of Glass, which is filled with Chihuly sculptures and is really is beautiful. The cheftestants have thirty minutes to prep. Danyele tests her boar chop, and it's overcooked and leathery. She tells Josh, like what is he supposed to do? He says, "That sucks." Maybe she could cook them a different way? Stir fry? I don't know what to do with really thin cuts of meat.
Chris and Anna's friends and families arrive and Chris Pratt's mom confesses that she touched one of the sculptures and almost broke it and he died laughing. They are cute. Service starts, and Eliza is worried that her elk is too tough and chewy, so she slices it thinly to make it easier to chew. Micah is worried about the texture of his celery root puree, and he adds more milk while trying to keep the flavor. How flavorful is celery root puree anyway? It's not like celery is packed with flavor. Chris tells Anna how his mom almost broke a sculpture and they giggle together. So cute.
The judges show up (Tom, Padma, and Gail), and the guest judge is Rick Moonen. John freaks out because he made Rick Moonan's clam chowder for Rick Moonen. Anna introduces her parents to the judges and they offer congratulations on the impending baby.
Time to eat! Bart is up first with loin of elk with cherry beer sauce and mushroom couscous. Brooke serves lamb stuffed squid on black rice with coconut milk. Sheldon made Okinawan pork belly with seared scallop and rice congee. Stefan made German gulasch with marjoram bread dumplings and sour cream and he serves it with German beer.
The judges start with Sheldon's pork belly. Anna loved the sweet and savory flavors and adds that "every bite was a surprise." Moving on to Bart's elk, Padma says that it's well done and Chris adds that it has an umami, savory feel. Look at Chris Pratt, foodie! Rick Moonen wishes it had more sauce but appreciated that the elk was tender.
Anna says that Stefan's gulasch is what pregnant women crave and Padma adds that it's rich and delicious. Chris Pratt seems a little hesitant to try Brooke's lamb-stuffed squid but after he pops it in his mouth he's like, "Oh my God, the flavors!" They are all just making "Mmm" sounds. Rick Moonen appreciates that Brooke took a risk even though she had immunity and could have laid back, but Tom says that it's the perfect time to take a risk because she didn't have to worry about being voted out. Sounds like the judges liked all four of those dishes. Chris Pratt's mom comes over and says he was a good eater as a baby, and she actually had to put him on a diet. Everyone laughs.
On to the round of dishes. Kristen made Delice de Bourgogne tortelloni and she feels good about it. Micah prepared braised short ribs with celery root puree, grilled apples, and celery leaf salad with a lemon-mustard vinaigrette. Lizzie served crusted King salmon with radish and beet salad. Eliza made elk ribeye with elk sausage polenta, spiced carrots and huckleberry port sauce.
As the judges get to tasting, they try Kristen's pasta first, and Chris mentions that a bunch of his friends have already said it was their favorite dish. Gail says she was dubious about the apricots but it goes well with the rich cream cheese. Rick can't wait to go back for another bite. up is Micah's dish which Tom immediately says has too much cream. I guess he's talking about the puree; remember that Micah had to add more cream to improve the texture. Rick thinks it has many components, like other dishes, but unlike those other dishes, the components don't work together.
Gail doesn't know what happened with Lizzie's salmon, which wasn't seared enough, and tasted like a Filet-O-Fish. Ouch. Lizzie knows it was bad, and she's worried. Tom is really visibly mystified by Eliza's carrots, which are undercooked and bland, but Gail likes her huckleberry sauce.
Weird interstitial. Chris and Anna improv a scene as if they were contestants on The Bachelorette.
Danyele is really nervous, even though she knows that she's qualified to be on the show, and she serves pan-roasted wild boar, hoppin' John, and tomato-bacon marmalade. Chris is psyched to see wild boar. Josh made roasted pork shoulder & grilled corn puree with succotash and fennel apple salad. Josie, who I kind of forgot was on the show, made Malbec-braised short ribs, pork belly, polenta with cippolini onions and figs. And finally, John made seafood chowder with cockles, manila clams, crab, mussels, and sockeye salmon. John admits that he learned to make this chowder from Rick Moonen, who greets him with a grin.
The judges try the boar first. Chris loves the marmalade, but Tom thinks the boar is sliced too thin and Gail adds that it's bland and cooked unevenly. Moving on to Josh's pork, they're all amused by how gigantic the portion is, but the problem that Gail and Anna both point out is that it's bland and underseasoned. Anna's brother comes over and he and Chris talk about how they hunt together and they ate raw squirrel heart together. Gross.
Rick thinks Josie's dish sounded great but there wasn't enough contrast. Anna loved John's chowder and Rick calls it "a hug from the ocean." Padma thought every component was cooked perfectly and the salmon skin is "divine."
The judges discuss the food overall. Tom points out that this was "head and shoulders" above what they got from the last challenge. Padma asks which dishes were the least successful, and Rick brings up Micah's because there was no focus. Rick thinks that Eliza's elk was grainy. Padma thought Josie's dish needed more brightness or tartness, and Tom says it didn't stand up to the competition. Anna mentions that Josh's huge hunk of pork was underseasoned. Chris says that the boar was in his bottom three, and Rick thinks that Danyele's nervousness was reflected in her cooking. Padma wishes Anna and Chris well and sends them off.
In the Stew Room, Brooke says that everyone's food looked good, and John says that they were all hoping not to humiliate themselves again after Tom's dressing down. Padma comes in and asks to see John, Brooke, Kristen, and Sheldon. They approach the judges and Padma tells them that they are the top four. Padma asks Brooke if her immunity helped, and Brooke says it encouraged her to think outside the box and cook her own food. Tom promises her that if she continues cooking this way, no one will yell at her. Rick tells John that he really respected every ingredient and John says it means a lot coming from him. Gail wants to know how Kristen knew that dried apricots would work her in her dish and she says that cheese and dried fruit work well together. Padma liked that Sheldon's food reflected him, and Rick calls it a melting pot. So who is the winner of the challenge and the car? Brooke! She can't believe it and she tearfully says that this is much better than being on the bottom.
They have to send back Eliza, Danyele, Josh, and Micah. Padma tells them that they made the least successful dishes. Tom says that the level of food was high in this challenge, and their dishes weren't bad, but they all had issues. Rick tells Micah that his celery root puree was grainy, and Micah says that the celery was very fibrous. So don't serve it? Tom says that the proportions of his components were off. For someone who's been super cocky, Micah seems to be on the bottom a lot. Same with Josh. Padma teases Josh about claiming he's known for pork but his pork dishes keep putting him on the bottom. But she's kind of not teasing. She tells Josh that his pork portions were way too big, and Josh agrees. So cut them smaller? These seem like such easy fixes. Rick asks how he seasoned the pork and Josh says he just used salt and pepper. But it was underseasoned.
Tom tells Eliza that her elk was sliced way too thin and her carrots were undercooked. Eliza explains that she tasted a thicker piece of elk and found it chewy so she sliced it thinner. She doesn't explain the carrots. How do you serve undercooked carrots? Do you not eat one and go, "Wow, that's still too crunchy?" I don't get that at all. Eliza thanks the judges for providing "a wonderfully humbling experience." I don't know if she meant that to be snarky but it came off as snarky. Moving on to Danyele, Tom says that the rest of her dish was fine but her boar fell apart. Danyele explains that she left her chops on the bone because she was afraid of overcooking it. Gail asks what she's so scared of, and Danyele says that she doesn't think she's doing well and she knows she can do these things but she's too stressed. Tom advises her not to get psyched out by the other chefs and just cook her own food.
Then we have the dumb zoom-ins on each face and quick interviews where each person says, "I don't want to go home!" Is this supposed to create tension? Is this why they don't show the shopping anymore? It's dumb.
Tom tells the group that these weren't bad dishes, like in the last challenge, but someone has to go home. They skip over the part where Tom tells each person what they did wrong and jump right to Padma telling Eliza that she's getting the boot. Eliza says she won't shake the judges' hands because she's fighting a cold so she's going to give them a nod, which just comes off as weird. She's kind of a weirdo, no? Anyway, she's off to Last Chance Kitchen.
Last Chance Kitchen spoilers below:
CJ and Tyler got to compete individually against Eliza, and they had to make a dish using both pickles and carrots, the ingredients that they all flubbed on the show. Tom thought all three dishes were good but CJ won because he was the most creative, even though his trout was slightly overcooked. So CJ continues on his quest to return to the show.