By Kim
Quickfire Challenge: Pair up and create a breakfast on a stick at Pike Place Market. The challenge includes grabbing ingredients, but also finding and buying their equipment. I love breakfast food so much and I would devour every single thing on this menu. The guest judge thought Danyele and Lizzie didn't make enough of a meal, while Eliza and Josie's was too sweet and difficult to eat. On the opposite end of the spectrum, Sheldon and Bart's Green Forest sandwich and Josh and John's breakfast taco are tops. The winners are Sheldon and Bart, who overcame faulty equipment and now they have immunity from elimination.
Immunity Challenge: Stay in the same teams of two from the Quickfire and create a dish highlighting an artisanal ingredient. Here are the dishes:
Josh and John (how these two ended up together, I do not know): pan-seared pork tenderloin with truffle popcorn. The grits are bad, the pork isn't cooked well and the flavors are one-note.
Micah and Kristen: cheese curds three ways: béchamel, raw and fried. I know that poutine might have been too obvious, but dudes -- poutine! The judges don't like that they can't taste cheese curds and there is much discussion over mysterious cheese curds. I can't believe that no one has heard of them and then I remember that my grandfather owned a cheese factory (seriously, he did) so I might have a leg up on the competition there.
Stefan and Brooke: rose petal glazed Muscovy duck with braised cabbage. The judges find the dish too sweet and the duck is tough.
Sheldon and Bart: candied salmon with sweet and sour salad. The judges like it, but wish there was more candied salmon.
Josie and Eliza: curry cardamom broth with manila clams and seared white king salmon. The judges find the broth salty (and in some cases sandy) and it overpowers the cardamom flavor.
Lizzie and Danyele: coconut curry chocolate mousse tart. The judges think it's assembled poorly with overpowering favorites.
CJ and Tyler; pork crumpet burger with spicy dill pickles. The judges think the crumpet bun is a mistake and Tom is upset about the lack of creativity.
Overall, the judges are really disappointed with the dishes; they don't even want to pick a favorite. Tom tells the cheftestants that no one is winning the cash prize and they'll be eliminating an entire team. Tom encourages them to take some risks, especially since they have Last Chance Kitchen to fall back on if it falls flat.
Ultimately, the judges decide that the bottom three teams are Brooke and Stefan, Josh and John and CJ and Tyler. The judges are very split: Hugh hated CJ and Tyler's dish, Padma hates Brooke and Stefan's dish and Tom hated Josh and John's dish. Gail is the deciding vote and they end up sending home CJ and Tyler. CJ! Maybe if you weren't so cocky, you would have realized how terrible your burger was.
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After the last elimination, Stefan is happy to get two more people out of the competition. Josh is bummed, because it was his first time meeting Hugh and his dish kind of sucked. Tyler knows that being on top one week doesn't mean anything because both Kuniko and Carla were on top one week and gone the .
The cheftestants are awake at 3:45 AM for some reason. Is that their call time? Anyway, it's Stefan's birthday and he remembers that on his original season, multiple people got kicked off on their birthdays. He's hoping it doesn't happen again.
The cheftestants show up at Pike Place Market. That explains why they had to get up so early. Fans of Real World: Seattle (and I count myself as one of them) will remember this place as where the dudes throw fish, and David got a job there and that dude Justin dated Janet. Aw, now I want to watch that season again. Anyway, it's a huge open air market and an institution in Seattle. Padma greets the cheftestants and introduces them to Daisley Gordon, a well-known Seattle chef.
The Quickfire Challenge requires being divided into teams of two. I still can't figure out how Josh and John ended up together. I mean, they hate one another. Why would you ever partner up? Josie and Eliza are the last two standing, so they end up together by default. The challenge is to make breakfast on a stick in an hour. They get to use equipment from a product-placed equipment store, but they still have to build their own kitchen.
Time starts and everyone gets running. Danyele and Lizzie somehow end up behind everyone else and miss out on getting eggs or meat, so they decide to go with a European breakfast. Stefan and Brooke are paired up and they apparently know one another outside of the competition and get along. Various cheftestants head to the equipment store and start looking for the necessary equipment. They're literally fighting over it. Eliza interviews that she spent a summer following Widespread Panic around the country and selling vegan sushi out of the back of her van. Oh, lord -- of course she did. Micah and Kristen are working together because they're both young. I guess that's enough to make them a perfect culinary pair.
Josh proposes a breakfast taco and John hops onboard. He interviews that he's cooked brunch before, but he wants to make something that Josh feels comfortable with. Don't you love how John never says, "He came up with a good idea and I ran with it?" It's always, "Well, I could have come up with something better since I've cooked for a hundred years but I let the kid have his moment." What a dick. Stefan is worried about the number of people they have to serve: fifty. Meanwhile, Bart and his Panini maker fall on the brick walkway and Bart prays that he didn't just bust their equipment, since they don't have a backup.
Tyler and CJ are making salmon, wrapped in a crepe, with an arugula salad. Not my idea of breakfast food, but whatever. Tyler seems to be along for the ride and just does whatever CJ tells him to. Josie and Eliza seem to be clashing. Mostly, Eliza tries things and Josie isn't willing to compromise her vision one bit to accommodate Eliza's expertise.
With ten minutes left, people start tasting their food and making adjustments. Bart and Sheldon realize that their Panini press is dead, but they hope the remaining heat will cook their food. I tried that philosophy when making over easy eggs yesterday; it didn't really work. I turned off the heat when I flipped the egg and hoped it would end up with a perfectly done egg. Instead, it didn't cook enough for my tastes, so I had to turn the heat back on and then they were too hard. Sigh. Anyway, Lizzie is worried that the fruit dish she made with Danyele isn't substantial enough compared to the other dishes.
The diners come in and start eating. First up is John and Josh, who made chiliquiles, which is a tortilla, salsa, quail egg and avocado-heirloom tomato relish. How is avocado/tomato relish that different from salsa? Why do you need both? Padma and Daisley like the flavors and seasoning. Eliza and Josie made a ricotta, raspberry and sausage pancake with jalapeño maple syrup. That sounds gross. Why do you need ricotta and raspberry and maple syrup? Are you serving a dish at IHOP? Both Padma and Daisley have trouble eating it without having it fall apart.
Micah and Kristen made a bacon and cinnamon waffle with pecan maple syrup and boysenberry and strawberry jam. Again, I wonder why you need jam and maple syrup. Are these people sugar fiends? It has melon on the stick too, which isn't mentioned in the official description. CJ and Tyler made a salmon and cream cheese crepe and I would love to tell you the rest but the Watch What Happens promo on the screen overlapped the description. I know that was arugula and tarragon also. Padma was amazed at how well it stayed together and then CJ yells out, "We really want this win!" Dude, take it down a notch. Too desperate. It's unappealing.
Bart and Sheldon made a green forest breakfast sandwich with eggs, cheese, pancetta, bacon and spinach. Now that's what I'm talking about. Sounds awesome. Daisley loves that they included spinach. Danyele and Lizzie made summer berries with crisp pancetta. Summer? Wasn't it just Thanksgiving last week? Ha ha, totally kidding. The judges like the berries. Stefan and Brooke made a croquet-monsieur: pressed ham and cheese sandwich with toasted fig.
Time for the results! Daisley starts by naming which teams were disappointing. Danyele and Lizzie's dish wasn't enough of a meal, while Josie and Eliza's pancake/jam combo was too sweet and difficult to eat. On the other hand, Sheldon and Bart made a delicious bite that was easy to eat, and Josh and John had a great concept that was well-seasoned. So who's the winner? Sheldon and Bart. They get immunity in the challenge.
And what is the Elimination Challenge? Padma talks about how the Pike Place market has many hand-crafted ingredients created by artisans. They will stay in the same teams of two (Eliza, Josh and Lizzie are all worried) and draw knives to learn what artisanal ingredient they must highlight in their dish this week. The people who made these ingredients will be eating the meal with the judges and it's all happening in only two hours. That's some bullshit. You are not going to get good food in that short of a timeframe. I mean, that's almost a Quickfire. The winning team gets ten grand.
CJ and Tyler have spicy dill pickles as their ingredients. CJ wants to make a pork burger and just slap the pickles on there. Tyler had an idea for some sort of oyster chowder with a pickle fritter, but he totally backs off since CJ has the experience. I think CJ better make one awesome burger if that's all he's serving.
John and Josh have truffle popcorn, and they're going to make pork and grits to go with it. I don't know WHAT you would make with popcorn, but I wouldn't think pork. Anyway, Josh is all for cooking the pork tenderloin whole, but John wants to slice off medallions and cook them that way. Seems like an easy way to get overcooked, rubbery pork, but what do I know? Josh agrees with me, but he also doesn't want to start drama with John, so he goes along.
Eliza and Josie acknowledge that they haven't worked well together thus far, but they need to set ego aside and get it done. Lizzie and Danyele taste their ingredient, coconut curry chocolate and Lizzie wants to make something that I can't understand due to her accent. Fish? Snapper? Anyway, it doesn't matter because Danyele insists that they need to make dessert. Hmm. I would think you could do some sort of chili or stew. Brooke and Stefan have rose petal jelly, which is sweet and floral. That sounds gross. I can't imagine eating roses. Blech.
Kristen and Micah have cheese curds, which Kristen explains is what is left over when the whey separates out. They're squeaky! And come in many flavors. Micah has a strong idea about making the curds three ways, so Kristen goes with it. Bart and Sheldon have salmon candy as their ingredients and Sheldon explains that it's like salmon bacon. Is it smoked? Is it cured? I don't get what it is.
The cheftestants all head to the kitchen, where they have an hour to cook. Josh teases Bart about his salmon candy, but Bart says it's both smoky and sweet. Bart interviews that it's very sweet, so they can't add anything else sweet to their dish, so they're making a salad. Stefan and Brooke are making duck breast with cabbage to go with their rose petal jelly.
The various artisans enter the dining room and sit down with the judges. Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, John and Josh are working on their pan-seared salmon with popcorn grits and popcorn truffle sauce. I'm confused by this whole dish. I don't get how you put popcorn in grits and I definitely don't get how you make popcorn into sauce. John makes the grits and Josh thinks they're too thick, but he interviews that he doesn't say anything because he's trying to keep the fragile peace they've established. Meanwhile, Josh is cooking the pork and John thinks it's getting overcooked, but he doesn't say anything because he doesn't want Josh to explode on him. So in order to spare one another's feelings, they're putting out subpar food. That's awesome.
Padma goes around the table and lets the various artisans introduce themselves and their products before the first foods are served. The judges include Daisley from this morning, Hugh Acheson, Tom Colicchio and Gail Simmons. The return of Mr. Unibrow! First to serve are John and Josh who had truffle popcorn and made pan-seared pork tenderloin with truffle popcorn grits. Micah and Kristen had cheese curds and made cheese curds three ways: béchamel, raw and fried. Stefan and Brooke had rose petal jelly and made rose petal glazed Muscovy duck with braised cabbage. Sheldon and Bart had candied salmon and made candied salmon with sweet and sour salad.
Hugh comments first on Stefan and Brooke's duck, saying that it's tough. Gail likes their concept, but can't taste the rose petal jelly and it tastes more like a standard sweet and sour sauce. Tom bitches that there's too much sugar in the cabbage. I mean, it's a valid critique, but he says it very dismissively. Hugh's biggest issue is that the duck isn't cooked properly.
The judges move on to John and Josh's dish. The artisan of the truffle popcorn wishes they had added more flavors to compliment it instead of just "truffle popcorn." Hugh, who is Southern, says that the grits are terrible, and Tom adds that the meat isn't cooked well and the sauce is "a gloppy mess." Yikes.
Micah and Kristen had too much going on with their plate and you couldn't discern the actual cheese curds. Padma insists adamantly that she LOVES cheese, and she couldn't tell what a cheese curd was. That's a problem, especially since they cooked them three different ways. You'd think at least one of the ways would stand out.
The artisan who makes the candied salmon liked the salmon mousse that Sheldon and Bart added, but Tom and Gail agree that there wasn't enough candied salmon on the plate and Hugh decides that the dish didn't really celebrate the core ingredient, which was the challenge.
The rest of the cheftestants are finishing and plating their dishes. Danyele is worried about making a tart since neither she nor Lizzie is a dessert chef. So why make dessert? I don't understand that choice at all. CJ is kind of worried about making an obvious dish -- a burger -- but he also can hear Tom saying, "CJ, what's wrong with a perfect burger, executed perfectly?" He does a pretty decent Colicchio impression. The only issue with this idea is that the burger has to be done PERFECTLY. Tyler is worried that they underthought this one and I wish he had voiced that to CJ, but he's letting CJ just boss him around. Josie is taking charge with Eliza and Eliza doesn't have much to do. And the little that Eliza did, Josie's not happy with. Time for their service!
Josie and Eliza had cardamom bitters and made curry cardamom broth with manila clams and seared white king salmon. Lizzie and Danyele had coconut curry chocolate and they made coconut curry chocolate mousse tart. CJ and Tyler had hot and spicy dill pickles and they made a pork crumpet burger with spicy dill pickles. It is the saddest plate of all time; it's a beige bun with a light brown burger, a sad piece of lettuce, some breaded pickles on top and two sad pickles on the side. I mean, I've seen better looking fast food burgers.
The dude who made the pickles suggests that CJ and Tyler should have made sliders. That actually makes sense, because then the pickles would have been a bigger component percentage-wise of the dish. Hugh thinks the bun is terrible and crumbly and Tom is mad that they couldn't think of anything more original than pickles on a burger. It's true; they really should have thought about using the pickles as an ingredient instead of just serving up the pickles, sliced.
Gail likes Eliza and Josie's broth, but thinks it's too salty. Except there's sand and pebbles in the broth. Someone didn't clean their clams! That's a really unfortunate thing for me to say about an all-female team, I know. Anyway, the salty and fishy flavors in the broth overpower the cardamom.
Padma asks the chocolate artisan how she thinks Danyele and Lizzie did with their tart and she says that they did a good job with the flavors, but she wishes they didn't add other chocolates. That's a good point; you have this hand-crafted chocolate and then you mix it in with some Hershey or some bullshit like that? Not a good idea and certainly doesn't highlight the artisanal ingredient. Gail thinks the flavors are overpowering.
Overall, Gail thinks most of the chefs incorporated the flavor of the specific ingredients, but there wasn't much finesse. Tom is not as diplomatic and says that he doesn't have a favorite dish, because they were all pretty bad. The judges seem embarrassed to serve this food to the vendors and Padma even apologizes. The judges also don't want to award anyone ten grand.
The cheftestants sit back in the Stew Room, chatting. Tom walks in and says that they judges were really disappointed today and the food wasn't up to par because the dishes showed a lack of imagination and technique. So there won't be a winner in this challenge and no one gets the money. CJ looks stunned. Tom adds that they'll be sending an entire team home tomorrow, but they are doing Last Chance Kitchen, so that should encourage people to take risks because if they are eliminated, they will get a second chance. Everyone looks completely dispirited and depressed. Sheldon interviews that no one wants to put out bad food and that's what they did. CJ interviews that he's not even sure why he's doing the show again.
Back in their loft, Stefan opens a bottle of wine and says it's no wonder that so many chefs have drinking problems. John interviews that it's the worst plate of food he's put out in thirty years and Josh has been on the bottom before, so he pretty much blames Josh for their bad food. Um, wasn't it John's idea to cook the pork pre-sliced as tenderloins? And didn't John cook the grits? Fuck off, dude.
CJ says that if he goes home already, he'll feel like a huge loser. Brooke interviews that she misses her family terribly, but she's doing this for them. Josh is wearing a shirt that says "Bacon is Meat Candy" so he's THAT dude. Like isn't bacon celebration so 2010? Aren't we done with that now, Mr. Ironic Handlebar Moustache? Anyway, Tyler gets philosophical about how his time may be up and it's out of his hands at this point, and Josh gets PISSED at him for giving up and starts yelling at him and calls him a "fucking idiot." Tyler apologizes and Josh interviews that he hates that defeatist attitude. Tyler's right, though -- at this point, the decision is out of his hands so why not get mentally prepared to leave?
Weird interstitial. Stefan tries to explain Last Change Kitchen to the group, but they are a bunch of idiots and can't understand. Also, Josh thinks he's an arrogant asshole but likable, like Stefan. Dude, you are no Stefan.
The morning, the cheftestants are all dreading facing the judges. Stefan is worried that the Birthday Curse is going to send him home. But they have to go face the judges, so off they go. As they're sitting in the Stew Room, Padma comes in and asks to see John and Josh, Stefan and Brooke, and CJ and Tyler. I would love to see John and Josh sent home, except you know John would claim that it's all Josh's fault.
After many whooshing close-ups on the cheftestants' and judges' faces, Padma says that they are the bottom three teams. Tom asks what happened, since these people have put out good food prior to this challenge, so it's not incompetence or lack of food knowledge. Josh says he was stymied by his ingredient and CJ says that they didn't want to mess with the "integrity" of the pickle. Hee! Tom points out that they should have been thinking about what they could MAKE with the ingredient instead of thinking about what would go well with it.
Gail says that the execution was just bad and the food didn't taste good. She tells Stefan that their cabbage was too sweet. Brooke says she made the duck and Padma tells her there was no heat, even though Brooke added black pepper. Stefan says he didn't add much sugar to the cabbage, but with the rose petal jelly it was just too sweet. He tried to counteract it by adding red wine vinegar etc., and Hugh points out that it was STILL too sweet and Stefan should have done more. Stefan doesn't claim he ran out of time or anything, but I wonder if at some point, your palate just gets so overwhelmed by the sweetness that just "a little less sweet" tastes fine to you.
Padma asks Josh and John about their grits. Josh says he never wants to make grits for Hugh and they laugh about it. Hugh wonders why they cooked the pork that way. Josh tries to not throw John under the bus, but then says that John suggested it and he went along with it to avoid friction, though normally he would roast it whole and then slice it. Gail says there was no artistry with the dish and no presentation and Tom concludes that it was like someone who has to feed their family and hates cooking. Tom has obviously not eaten in most American households, because that presentation was nowhere near as bad as most American households that I've eaten in.
Padma asks CJ and Tyler if they liked their burger and CJ says they tasted it three times. Hugh says it was not a good burger; it was soggy and overcooked. Tom doesn't understand the idea of doing a burger with a pickle and CJ does his imitation and everyone laughs. Gail says that they always want creativity and they didn't get it here.
Padma excuses them, but CJ has one more thing to say and he unloads his entire thesaurus to explain how terrible he thought the chocolate tart was and he wonders why that team isn't on the bottom. Hugh slams back, "Your burger was worse." Ouch. CJ has no comeback, because there is no comeback and the judges chuckle as the cheftestants leave.
Back in the Stew Room, Tyler says that the judges "ripped us a fat, new one." John says that he knows he tells a lot of stories, but that was the most brutal critique he's ever had. CJ and Josh agree that the judges hated both of their dishes, so it's probably between those two teams as to who's going home.
The judges deliberate. Padma starts by saying all three teams knew something was wrong with their dish and didn't fix it. Eh, I don't know if CJ and Tyler knew anything was wrong with their dish. They seemed to like it. Tom points out that they all failed at basic cooking things. Gail is frightened that CJ and Tyler thought their burger was good, and he also doesn't like the mentality of people trying to make a dish that's not the worst instead of trying to make a dish that's the best. This happens every season, but usually not this early: the cheftestants get scared and start cooking for the middle instead of shooting for the top. And , we'll get the story arc where someone decides to just cook their food. I have to say, I have no idea what any of these chef's POV is yet, except that Bart cooks classic French food and Sheldon is kind of pan-Asian.
Tom and Hugh agree that you can still cook pork medallions well so that wasn't really the issue. Gail thinks Josh and John both compromised too much. Padma thinks the worst thing they ate today was John's grits, but the second worst was Stefan's cabbage. Tom can't believe Stefan couldn't fix it before sending it out and Hugh thought it tasted like eating someone's grandmother. Ha, and yikes! Hugh thinks the worst dish was the burger, but Tom hated the pork the most and Padma hated the duck. So it's all up to Gail! That must have been some seriously bad food, because usually the judges can at least come to a consensus about which dish was the worst.
The bottom three teams are brought back out to find out which of them is going home. Tom tells them that this decision wasn't unanimous, but it was a majority decision. And then Padma sends home CJ and Tyler. CJ interviews that he's mortified that he got kicked off this early and he doesn't feel like he was judged fairly. CJ, I hope this improves your cocky attitude because that has been kind of the worst part of seeing you back. I always loved your goofiness, but the cockiness this season killed it. The other cheftestants think that CJ will come back or Kuniko. Tyler interviews that his goals were to be himself and stay sober, and he did both of those things.
Spoilers for Last Chance Kitchen coming up, so click away if you don't want to know.
On Last Chance Kitchen, CJ and Tyler had to compete as a team against Kuniko and they beat her! It's not clear if they will have to continue to compete as a team. The best part was that CJ tried to put on Kuniko's chef coat and did a Chris Farley "tall guy in a little coat" routine. Aw, CJ. I missed you.
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