Salt Lick

Recapped by Kim · Aired 01-04-2012 · S09E09

Quickfire Challenge: The challenge is based on Modernist Cuisine by Nathan Myhrvold (guest judge), and they have to create the best modernist dish. Is that Microsoft Nathan Myhrvold? [frantically Googles, ironically] Yep. Chris Moto thinks he has it wrapped up, because he's Mr. Molecular Gastronomy. Ty, Sarah and Chris Moto are the top three, and Ty wins. Ooh, Chris Moto has got to be destroyed -- he came up with this whole miracle berry pill and a super complicated dining experience.

The elimination challenge is to cook barbeque for three hundred guests at the Salt Lick. They have to form teams of three and no one wants to work with weirdo Beverly. They have to cook chicken, ribs and brisket along with two sides, and they get all night to cook. After spending a night breathing in wood smoke in the heat, Sarah has a spell because she's having trouble breathing and paramedics take her out on a stretcher. She's out of the challenge, leaving her teammates Ed and Ty to finish and serve the food on their own. Here is what each team serves:

Blue Team (Grayson, Lindsay and Paul): Asian spare ribs, chicken, brisket, Brussels sprouts and watermelon salad. Most of the judges like the different flavors, although Tom thinks the brisket is underseasoned and the Brussels sprouts are undercooked.

White Team (Beverly, Chris Hollywood and Chris Moto): beer can chicken, brisket and Dr. Pepper glazed pork ribs. I guess we don't get to her about their sides. The judges think the chicken is good, but it's more of a roast chicken than a barbeque chicken, because it has no smoke. The ribs are too salty and the brisket is kind of chewy, but everyone likes the coleslaw. I think their other side was a watermelon lemonade? Which was unremarkable.

Red Team (Edward, Ty and Sarah part time): Sarah returns during service and Ed is a total dick to her, at first refusing to let her jump in and then yelling at her when she does. After a little service, Sarah takes a break and sits down, which Ed also hates. They serve Texas chicken, Kansas City style pork ribs and smoked brisket with poppy seed coleslaw and pinto beans. The judges like the chicken, and think the flavor of the ribs is good but the texture isn't great. And they like Ed's brisket, but they wish it hadn't been sliced early. (They had to slice early since they only had two people at service.)

The judges declare the Blue Team the winners for trying something untraditional and cooking and seasoning everything well. As the winners, they get to split $15,000, and Paul is at a total of $35,000 for the season.

The other two teams all have to face the judges, and every single one of them made a mistake big enough to potentially be sent home. In the end, they decide to eliminate Chris Hollywood because he made a seasoning rub that was overly salty and essentially ruined all the proteins that his team made. At least going forward I can just type Chris instead of having to differentiate which one I mean. And week is Restaurant Wars, men versus women.

Heather's gone, and the remaining cheftestants have mixed emotions. Some (Ty) are sad to see her gone and some (Beverly) are glad she's hit the bricks. Edward finally finds an opening to mention that he gave Heather his cake recipe twice. Grayson is astounded, but seriously, why bring it up now? She's gone. And also, don't give her the recipe if you don't want her to use it. And don't pretend like it's an old family recipe; it's the proportions she needed for baking a cake. Sarah interviews that it was pretty shitty of Edward to bring it up once Heather was gone, and notes that Edward has kind of a dark side and can't be trusted.

There's a knock at the door and room service enters with copies of Modernist Cuisine by Nathan Myhrvold. Edward explains that, in addition to working at Microsoft for many years, Myhrvold has written these amazing books that are highly anticipated. There's a note telling the cheftestants to study up, so they all start paging through. They remark about there being a ton of information in there, and Beverly stays up late looking at them because she's a study nerd.

The morning, the cheftestants find Nathan Myhrvold in the kitchen, waiting with Padma. Chris Moto basically wants to suck his dick. I'm just saying. He couldn't be more effusive in his praise. Myhrvold is a huge nerd and I find it hard to watch him. He gives a lecture about modernist cuisine, and how it's about delighting your diners. He adds that molecular gastronomy is part of it -- but only part of it -- and it's really about the intersection of science and food. Padma explains that their Quickfire Challenge is to create a modernist dish, and the winner gets immunity and a copy of the books. I don't get why everyone is talking about how they can't wait to get their hands on the books, and they're highly coveted. They're for sale. In bookstores. Granted, they're crazy expensive but it's not like they only printed ten copies and nine are locked in King Tut's tomb or something.

Ugh, Chris Moto is the worst. As if his terrible hair wasn't bad enough, he's also singing, "Go, daddy, go" and "give me that funky stuff" while he's cooking. And also explaining that it's his job at Moto (he works there? I had no idea) to find new ways to cook dishes. How about the old ways? What's wrong with the old ways? Nothing's wrong with the old ways, in most cases. So he's using miracle berry, which resets your palate and makes, for example, sour things taste sweet. Why would I want to do that? Why not just eat something sweet in the first place? This is why I hate food science. Or at least, this is the type of food science I hate.

Ty notes that Chris Moto's entire table is enshrouded in smoke like he's a wizard. Ty is trying to keep his dish simple, but he is using maltodextrin and while he explains what he's doing, he lost me when he said it will turn olive oil into a powder that will then dissolve back into olive oil. Here's a phrase I don't want to use when I'm eating food: "Wow, neat trick." Just give me olive oil. You don't need to make it into a powder first. I am grumpy.

Paul doesn't even know how to say molecular gastronomy, and I knew I liked him for a reason. Grayson is trying to make caviar that's not caviar and admits that this style of cooking isn't her forte. Beverly is making a curry foam but she's not super confident with the equipment. Well that probably won't bite her in the ass. Sarah is also not a modernist chef, but she decides to make a breakfast raviolo, because it's looking at a dish in a new way. Now that I can get behind.

Chris Hollywood talks about how he's Mr. Modern and his apartment is modern. So we get to see some footage from his audition tape that includes the artwork in his apartment. It's all stylized nudes. Mostly painted in blood red. Lots of body parts and very few whole women. Guess what's even creepier? Chris painted them himself! And judging by the quality, he hasn't seen very many naked women. Boobs don't look like that, and neither do nipples. Oh, Chris Hollywood. You are so very creepy all of a sudden. I was kind of hoping you and Grayson would hook up but now I want her to run far, far away. You know the editors had that footage in their back pockets and were like, "So in which episode can we shoehorn in Chris's serial killer apartment footage? This one? Great. Good. Done."

As time ends, Chris Moto is seriously going to have a nervous breakdown if they don't like his food. And I do have some empathy; this is his jam, so if he screws this up, what's the point? Nathan and Padma start tasting with Beverly, who made flash steamed clams and mussels with curry whipped cream and mango chili. She goes to dispense the cream on the plate and the device explodes and farts out curry cream onto the judges' clothing, including Padma's probably-not-the-Target-version Missoni dress. And then when she's trying to clean up, Beverly knocks over two trays of pots and pans. Oh, dear. She has problems. Edwards interviews that Beverly is a good chef and person, but she is an oddball. That's putting it mildly.

So after the commercial, Nathan tells Beverly how to properly use the device and Beverly interviews that she's socially awkward. Sarah made a breakfast rabiolo, pancetta and egg yolk. You guys, I finally had a burger with a fried egg on top and it was amazing and why have I been wasting my time eating plain burgers all this time and why didn't anyone tell me? Holy crap, that was good stuff. Anyway, Sarah's dish looks yummy although I'm not sure about the orange juice "sauce." Edward made salmon belly sashimi, compressed watermelon and brunoise radishes. Grayson made trout sashimi, dill caviar, pickled watermelon, cucumber and radish. Is watermelon the hot new ingredient or what? I don't get it. Watermelon is fine on a hot day, but it's mostly water. It's kind of flavorless. Maybe that's the point.

Ty made watermelon, vanilla bean honey, black pepper and salted olive oil powder. Lindsay made marinated baby octopus, tempura sea beans and togurashi. I don't know what those things are and why I would want to eat most of them, but I'm sure she did a good job. Actually, I'm not sure. I was trying to be nice. Chris Hollywood made a lady suit out of skin. Just kidding! He also made risotto foam, scallops, raisins, and fried capers. There's no food in there. I guess the scallops, but seriously. Foam and raisins? That's like an anorexic's dream meal. Paul made endive salad, egg yolk and parmesan and truffle powder. It's all white. That does not look appetizing at all. I should just shut up. I'm not going to like any of this stupid food except for Sarah's raviolo.

Chris Moto finally has his chance and he's ALL fired up about it and the other cheftestants are looking at each other and smirking and rolling their eyes. He tells Padma and Nathan to "take the red pill" and how long did he plan out that line and how gross is it that he planned it out for so long? God, he is a dork. Then he starts explaining the miracle berry and what it does and Nathan is like, "I grow it in my basement." In other words, shut up, noob. Oh, that was great. YA BURNT, Chris Moto. So then he has them eat a lemon which tastes, according to Padma, like a tangerine. So just eat a tangerine? Shutting up now. The rest of his dish is a deconstructed cheesecake, and sparkling water with lemon and lime. I have so many remarks about how dumb this dish is, but you've heard it all already. Paul speaks for all of us when he interviews that Chris's miracle berry is "kind of gimmicky."

Time for Nathan to tell us who sucked. Well, first up is Paul, who had interesting texture but not enough depth of flavor. Beverly didn't do anything different enough to make her dish stand out. Grayson used a simple preparation which showed that her elements weren't great. So who was good? Ty had interesting spices and technique. Sarah took something traditional but put it in a new context. Before they announce the third, Chris Moto has a heart attack. Just kidding. He's fine, and he is in the top three. I mean, he has to be. So who is the winner? Not Chris Moto! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Ty won. I can't look at him anymore without seeing those naked pictures that leaked onto the Internet this week. Go ahead and Google it. I'm not linking to it here. But you can't unsee them once you've seen them.

Padma announces that for the Elimination Challenge, they are going from modern to traditional THANK GOD. They'll be making barbecue. Haven't they already done this? I feel like this whole season is chili and barbecue. Anyway, Nathan also won the world barbecue challenge or something so he's great at everything except not being a nerd. Padma tells them to split into three teams on their own. Nobody wants to work with Beverly the Weirdo, so she ends up with the other weirdos, who are both named Chris. Lindsay and Grayson latch onto Paul because they're no dummies, which leaves Ty and Edward with Sarah. Strange groupings and not what I would have predicted. The challenge is to serve barbecue to over 300 guests at the Salt Lick. Even I've heard of that place. I've been near it but haven't eaten there. They get all night to cook because it's barbecue. They have to cook chicken, beef brisket and pork spareribs, and also create two sides. That's a LOT of food. And they have to put all three meats on each plate. Whoa.

The teams go shopping at Whole Foods first. Ty thinks he and Edward work well together, so he's confident. Bev and the Chrises decide to do a basic Texas barbeque. Paul and his ladies want to go for something different, so they are moving in an Asian direction. Edward is already complaining about Sarah; mostly about how she used to be from Chicago but her Texas accent keeps getting thicker and thicker. And I do think Sarah's "I'm so Texas, y'all!" schtick is annoying but maybe Edward should just focus on his food or find another teammate if it's so terrible. Then they head to Restaurant Depot to get meat. Chris Hollywood is making Dr. Pepper barbeque sauce. His theory is that Dr. Pepper is from Texas so it makes sense. It is? It does? It seems a little Cracker Barrel to me.

The cheftestants arrive at The Salt Lick and meet Scott Roberts, the owner. He looks like he eats a lot of barbeque, if you get my drift. I'm saying that he's chubby. He shows them the giant stone fire pit where the barbeque is cooked. It's kind of amazing. Then he brings out some food for them to try, which they eat family style. Glad this episode had an extra fifteen minutes in it so that we could watch the cheftestants eat meat. And then there's a hugely embarrassing commercial for the automotive sponsor. Look, I get that they need to take product placement to produce the show and I've made my peace with it. But this is totally over the top, where they make the cheftestants talk about how great the vehicles are and how much it can haul and blech. Anyway, they go off in the woods somewhere and find some spare barbeque pits that just happened to be hanging out there. I guess that's where they'll be cooking. Unless it's Chris Hollywood's hideout for keeping his victims.

Paul and his team are smoking their meat, so they get it right into the smoker. Ty knows he has immunity, but he wants to redeem himself and his meat skills since he screwed up the steaks a few challenges ago. I have so many jokes about Ty and his meat skills and his naked pictures but I'm just going to let it go. Edward and Sarah are already clashing, because he feels like she's telling him how to cook. Of course, in true Edward style, he's mumbling about it under his breath instead of talking to her about it.

Beverly is in one of the RVs trying to reduce a sauce with bourbon in it. Chris Hollywood tells her to be careful about cooking with bourbon, since it's so flammable. So of course, Beverly sets the pan on fire and then can't figure out how to make the smoke detector stop beeping. Oh, Beverly.

In case I didn't mention it, it's really hot out while they're cooking, even though it's at night. Lindsay lets Paul take the lead on their team, because she respects his abilities. Ty is dubious about Paul's team making Asian barbeque in Texas. And then Paul's team finds out that their meat has fallen onto the bottom of the smoker. Luckily, they wrapped it in foil so it didn't get contaminated, but they've lost hours of cooktime.

Time passes. Chris Moto is cooking beer can chicken. That's not really barbeque, is it? Except that you do it on a grill? Chris Moto also acts like it's this crazy grilling technique, when every home cook made it like three summers ago.

The sun rises and no one has slept. Chris Moto is talking to his chickens. There's a ton of smoke everywhere, so everyone's eyes are tearing up. Plus, now that the sun is up, it gets a lot hotter, and they're all standing over fires. Colicchio shows up to see what's doing. Team White (Beverly and the Chrises) talk to him first. Tom seems unimpressed with their ideas, but he doesn't say anything. Then he goes over to Team Red (Sarah, Ed and Ty), who brag that they're each doing barbeque from their hometowns, Texas, Kansas City and Kentucky. Tom seems excited about that. And then Team Blue is doing the Asian-style, and Paul takes responsibility for that concept. Grayson is so exhausted that she just starts blurting things out, and she tells Tom that their food is going to be "like sex in the mouth." Tom's like, "Ew." Before he leaves, Tom tells them that the winning team will split $15,000.

The food is finishing up. Chris Hollywood worries that his ribs are too salty, and decides to cut off the ends and put more sauce on them to make them less salty. Lindsay is worried that her Brussels sprouts won't get done, because the fire is dying out.

Sarah starts getting light headed and has trouble breathing. She goes to see the medic, who gives her an oxygen mask and starts asking her questions. Whatever he sees worries him, and he calls an ambulance and they take her out on a stretcher. Both Lindsay and Ty come over and assure her that she'll be fine, and not to worry about the food, although Ty interviews that she should be worried, because being absent can always increase the risk that you'll go home.

Ugh, I just noticed that Dr. Pepper is a sponsor of the show. I hope that had nothing to do with Chris Hollywood's decision to use it in his sauce.

The teams start setting up for service. Colicchio comes over to Ed and Ty and tells them that Sarah is dead. Just kidding! I wonder what the show would do if someone died during a challenge. Wow, that's morbid. Okay, moving on. Sarah is in the hospital so she probably won't be back for service, and they're on their own. Ed interviews that they're wondering about Sarah's condition but then in the breath, he says that Sarah's a pussy. So Ed and Ty freak out and start trying to cut all their meat and get them in hotel pans, because they don't think they'll be able to cut to order during service. Ed's throwing hissy fits and tossing lids around like a child. No need to panic, dude. Anyway, Ed explains that he hates to cut the meat in advance because then it goes in a steam tray and the meat gets steamed and overcooked. So he knows it's probably going to be a disaster but doesn't feel like they have any choice.

The guests begin to arrive. The line is super long and everyone is trying to get their food out as quickly as possible. Ty reminds us that he and Ed have seven items on their plates and have to serve three hundred people. Maybe they should just put the homemade pickles on the counter and let people take their own. That seems like a dumb use of time. A band starts playing. It's very Stevie Ray Vaughn Lite. The judges arrive and Padma immediately wants to get a beer. I loved that. Some other highlights include Chris Hollywood serving watermelon juice and Chris Moto wearing a shirt that says "I Eat Vegans." I hate clever T-shirts, especially when they're not clever.

The judges are finally eating the food from the three teams. First up is the Blue Team (Grayson, Lindsay and Paul), who serve Asian spare rib, chicken and brisket, with sides of Brussels sprouts and watermelon salad. The judges eat the chicken first, and says that it's delicious, sticky, sweet and spicy. They're not as enthusiastic about the brisket and the ribs, and Tom notes that the Brussels sprouts are, as Paul feared, undercooked. He can't even get his fork in them. The Salt Lick owner really enjoys the combination of watermelon and cilantro.

up is the White Team (Beverly, Chris Hollywood and Chris Moto) who serve beer can chicken, brisket done in the smoker and Dr. Pepper glazed pork ribs. We don't hear anything about their sides. Nathan points out that it's roast chicken, not barbeque chicken, and Tom adds that there's no smoke flavor. Their beans are undercooked. Tom notes, as Chris stated earlier, that the ribs are too salty. The brisket is chewy but juicy. Apparently, they made coleslaw? And people liked it? I'm not sure why they didn't mention the sides at all during service, but then again, I bet no one is going home for the sides. This team also made a fresh watermelon drink, and Gail wishes that it had liquor. Bring a flask, girl!

Before the judges get to the Red Team, Sarah walks back in. She explains that her blood pressure and heart rate came down and she thinks she'll be okay. She throws on an apron and asks how she can help and Ed pretty much ignores her. Ty at least asks if she's okay. Ed snaps at her that they've got it. Okay, you do have to let her help. And I get that you were in a groove but let her put pickles on the plates or something, dick. Sarah starts trying to help. Ed yells at her to put her five best pieces of chicken in the corner and he'll serve them. She gives him a look like, "Are you really going to talk to me like that?" He repeats himself and she says that she understands. Wow, is he coming off like an asshole. Like it's Sarah's fault that she practically got heat stroke. Have you had heat stroke? It's not exactly something that you can power through, like a cut on your finger. Sarah interviews that she knows Ed is frustrated but she didn't get sick on purpose. Ty is very sweet to her, because he's a human being.

The judges show up and are served the Red Team's food: Texas chicken, Kansas City style pork ribs and smoked brisket, with poppy seed cole slaw and pinto beans. After the judges leave, Sarah says she's going to go rest. Okay, that does seem a little weird. She looks fine. But whatever. Who cares? It's not like they're being judged on service. The judges like the chicken. They think the rib flavor is good, but the texture is chewy. Padma likes the flavor of the brisket the best, but Nathan wonders why they didn't carve to order. All the diners love the white bread that they served with their food.

Aaaand, service is over! Gail points out that the cheftestants haven't slept in forty hours. Tom thinks they've learned that there's more to barbeque than slapping meat on a grill. Ed and Ty have a smoke out back and talk about how they will die if they have to go back and cook again in some sort of cook-off. Ed is worried, because Ty has immunity and Sarah came back just in time to serve her best to the judges, so if their team is on the bottom, he's in trouble.

As they wait to hear from the judges, Sarah wants to talk about what went wrong with her team. She says that she felt a weird vibe and Ed tells her not to get emotional. Fuck off, Ed. Don't tell her what to feel. Padma comes in and asks to see the Blue Team of Paul, Lindsay and Grayson. They go to a makeshift Judges' Table out on the lawn and are told that they're the winning team. Tom says that everything was cooked nicely and seasoned well. Gail adds that the brisket was "heads and tails" above that of everyone else. No one mentions the terrible Brussels sprouts. I told you that the sides didn't matter. The biggest thing they did right was put their own spin on it with the Asian flavors. So they get to split $15,000, which brings Paul to a total of $35,000 in the competition. Damn.

So now the other two teams have to face the judges. They start with Sarah, and says that her chicken was moist, but more like grilled instead of barbequed. I thought that was the problem with Chris Moto's chicken? I guess they were both that way. Sarah says that she wishes she had used the smoker. Nathan advises cooking the chicken and crisping the skin before adding barbeque, which is like grilling 101, right? Because otherwise the sugars in the sauce will burn before the chicken is fully cooked. God, even I know that and I know very little about grilling. Ty says that he feels pretty bad, and Gail says that his meat was heavy-handed in seasoning and not cooked enough. Padma asks about the coleslaw, and Ty says that he shaved the cabbage and Ed pickled the beans. The judges didn't like the orange-mint. Then they get to asking why they pre-sliced the brisket. Ed doesn't really throw Sarah under the bus, but says that's why they did it. Tom says that they should have just dealt with having a long line and done it right. He has a point, but I bet it's ingrained in their brains to not make people wait.

Moving on to the other team, they start out by discussing the coleslaw. There was nothing terribly wrong with it, except that it was so traditional. The judges complain that the chicken was also too traditional, and was more of a roast chicken than a barbeque. Chris Moto says that he cooked all the meats. Chris Hollywood pipes up that he did the rubs for the brisket and the ribs as well as the sauces. Padma wants to know why he used Dr. Pepper and Chris Hollywood thinks it's Texas. Tom just shrugs and then says that the real problem was the salty rub. And then they tell Beverly that her beans were undercooked. Man, everything sucked on their plate.

By Kim