Quickfire Challenge: The cheftestants go to Le Bernardin where they meet Justo Thomas, who's like the Jedi fish butcher. The cheftestants have to portion one cod and one fluke into as high-quality portions as they can in ten minutes. Fabio, Carla, Tiffany and Antonia end up on the bottom. It's particularly embarrassing for Tiffany, who is executive chef at a seafood restaurant. The top four are Blais, Mike, Dale and Marcel. They move on to the round, where they have 45 minutes to make a dish using the discarded fish scraps, and the winner gets immunity. Dale wins immunity, though all of the dishes earn some praise from guest judge Bourdain.
Elimination Challenge: Restaurant Wars, guest judged by Ludo Lefebvre, one of my least favorite Masters contestants, because he is crazy. The twist this time is that it's a "pop-up" restaurant, meaning they aren't taking over an existing space. It's a one-night-only restaurant. Dale is one captain, due to his Quickfire win, and he chooses Marcel to be the other captain, so that they won't end up on the same team. The teams are Marcel, Angelo, Mike, Antonia and Tiffany versus Dale, Blais, Tre, Fabio and Carla. Weirdly, Carla is picked last. Dudes, she won the last challenge! And also, the diners get to vote on who is the winning team, so all those who say they cook for the diners and not the judges should be happy.
So Dale's team calls their restaurant Bodega. Fabio does front of house and Dale is the expediter. Here is their menu:
Appetizer by Dale: bag of potato chips with fried herbs and sea salt
1st course by Blais: raw tuna belly and fried chicken skin with chilies and lime. It's served in a can like tuna fish.
1st course by Dale: bacon, egg and cheese with homemade focaccia
2nd course by Blais: chicken-fried codfish and Brussels kraut
2nd course by Tre: pork shoulder, grits with cheddar cheese, Corona and lime sauce
Dessert course by Fabio: amaretto cake with candied lemon peel and cappuccino mousse
Dessert course by Carla: blueberry pie with dry milk ice cream
Marcel's restaurant is called Etch. Tiffany does front of house, which is not really her first choice. But she doesn't know how to run it, and the judges note that Fabio actually directs the servers while Tiffany just schmoozes. Antonia expedites, but there's a lot of bickering in the kitchen, mostly centered around Marcel. Here is the menu:
1st course by Tiffany: frisee and shaved asparagus salad with egg and chorizo
1st course by Angelo: crudo of fluke, grapes, pink peppercorns and lemon zest
2nd course by Marcel: roasted monkfish with kalamata olives, peperonata and parsley
2nd course by Mike: braised pork belly with octopus and cannellini beans
3rd course by Antonia: ricotta gnudi, braised oxtail ragout, arugula and lemon zest
3rd course by Mike and Angelo: slow-cooked lamb chop, cauliflower puree, turmeric, and honey
Dessert course by Marcel: duo of peaches (unripened peach and sweet peach with coconut foam and powder)
To the surprise of no one, Etch is the losing restaurant. The judges have critiques for all of the chefs, but it seems like Marcel takes the brunt of it. No one wants to throw Marcel under the bus, and they try to present a united front, but then Tiffany lets slip that her front of house suffered because the line was arguing, and then it ALLLLLL happens, where lots of fingers are pointed in varying directions, but mostly at Marcel.
Meanwhile, Team Bodega wins by a landslide. Blais earns praise from the judges and his teammates for elevating everyone else's food, and Fabio's front of house was top-notch. The winner is Blais. Finally, he wins one! And the praise of his teammates gives me a little confidence in his skills going forward. I was starting to wonder if it was like the Emperor's New Clothes.
And on the losing team, the judges decide to send Marcel home. Yay! But also, boo, because now who will I root against? I kind of like everyone who is left. Even weird old Angelo.
The morning after Jamie and Tiffani were eliminated (yay and boo respectively), Carla wakes up and is happy that she won the Elimination Challenge, but sad to see her friends leave. But she's also really proud to be one of the three remaining female chefs. This season did seem to be trending heavily female (in that it was about half and half until last week), and I was wondering when they were going to get around to mentioning it. Blais interviews that he's looking forward to an individual challenge, because in the group challenges, he's ended up on the bottom, and he doesn't want to be eliminated cooking anything but his own food. I think that's fair. I understand the need for group challenges, but I would be pissed if I got steamrolled or bullied into cooking something I didn't believe in, and then got eliminated. So since they showed Richard saying that, we'll definitely see an individual challenge this week, right? I might believe that if they hadn't made clear in the preview that it was Restaurant Wars.
There's a funny bit where Antonia says that neither Carla nor Tiffany would move into her room, because they don't want to become victims of the Black Hammer. It seems that Antonia is a bit of a bad luck charm, in that people who team up with her end up eliminated. This started in Antonia's original season and has continued in All-Stars. Will her streak continue this week?
The cheftestants report to Le Bernardin, Eric Ripert's famous restaurant. Anthony Bourdain greets them instead of Padma, and explains that, in his newest book, he profiled a dude named Justo Thomas, who works in the kitchen of Ripert's restaurant. He comes in every morning at seven, and by noon, he has butchered somewhere between 700 and 1000 pounds of fish. Holy crap. That's a lot of fish. That's half a ton of fish! One dude! In five hours! Also, he must reek when he leaves work. Wouldn't you hate to ride on the subway to him? Bourdain explains that when Justo goes on vacation, it takes three people to do his job. That's job security, man. I hope he earns what three people would normally earn, too. If not, he could screen this episode to make his point.
The cheftestants head downstairs to meet the legendary fish butcher of Manhattan. Justo explains that his three tenets are saving fish, quality, and equal portions. Well, that's not a parallel construction. If I were grading Justo's essay, I would take points off. But then again, it doesn't seem that English is Justo's first language, so I might give him partial credit and just write a note in the margin. Anyway, Justo is a man of action, not words, so he shows off his skills. You can see when he discards the skin, head, and tail of the first fish, it's picked clean. And neat! Like you could stuff it with something and it would still look like a fish, not just like a mess of scales. The cheftestants are understandably impressed when Justo butchers two fish in eight minutes, and ends up with beautiful and equal portions, with none of the flesh wasted.
Bourdain introduces the Quickfire Challenge: they must butcher one cod and one fluke into portions good enough to serve at Le Bernardin, and they will have ten minutes, two more than Justo needed. Oh, how generous. Tiffany interviews that she's an executive chef at a seafood restaurant, so she knows how to cut fish, but she's usually not being timed or judged for quality. Marcel, because he's an asshole, is wearing a bandanna tied around his head Samurai-style. I'm not even going to go on about it, because he just wants the attention. He also tells a dumb story about how he had an allergic reaction the first time he butchered a fish, but he powered through. I'm willing to bet real money that the whole thing never happened, or maybe he got one hive, or whatever. Again, attention. Let's not give in to it.
Mike notices that Carla's struggling with the task. Fabio cuts his thumbnail, but decides to power through, and "take it like a man." Or like a Carla. I'm just saying. Also, he's bleeding all over the fish. I hope he gets points off.
Time's up and Justo inspects the results. The people who failed miserably know it, and offer up explanations, but Justo doesn't really care. He's just like, "You cut it the wrong way (Tiffany)" or "there's a little bit of waste on the bone (Tre)" or "you didn't even prepare any portions (Antonia)." Damn, he's cold.
The people on the bottom are Fabio, Carla, Tiffany, and Antonia. We didn't see Justo judging Fabio, but I'm guessing that the blood on the fish wasn't helping. Tiffany is embarrassed, since she cooks fish for a living. The people on the top are Dale, Mike, Blais, and Marcel. So rather than pick one of them as the winner based on their butchering, they now move on to the second part of the challenge: they have forty-five minutes to make a meal out of the parts of the fish you normally don't use, like the heads, tails, and fins. The other cheftestants repair to the dining room to wait.
The top four start cooking and Mike is looking for a chinoise, which is like a conical sieve. Marcel says that they're in the back. Mike doesn't even go into the back, and just spots one sitting to Marcel and moves to take it. Marcel's like, "Um, that's mine!" Mike also tries to take another piece of his equipment, and Marcel tells him to buzz off. I hate to say it, but I'm on Marcel's side here. If Marcel is really going to use that stuff, and there are others available in the back (or even if not), Mike needs to fuck off. Mike interviews that it was an example of Marcel being a dick. I don't doubt that Marcel is a dick, but I don't think that was an example of it. I guess they're just trying to set up the tension for later, but that whole thing made Mike look bad, not Marcel.
Dale interviews that his family has always done nose-to-tail cooking, and his parents would take home the pigs' heads that the butcher threw out and roast them. It reminds me of the scene in the Little House books where they butcher the pig and use every part of it. Pa even ties off the bladder and Mary and Laura kick it around like a ball. And they eat the tail, too, and it's delicious. I was really into the food descriptions in those books, especially Farmer Boy. Damn, those Wilders feasted.
Blais interviews that his first job was at this hole-in-the-wall joint called McDonald's, where he was the fish chef, a very prestigious position. And he sent his first batch of Filet O Fish out without a top bun, so he was being avant garde even back then. That's awesome. And then Marcel is talking but we're still ignoring his stupid remarks unless it clarifies a plot point, so we're done and time's up.
Blais made schnitzel of cod belly, ragout of braised collar, and fried skin. Justo, that man of many words, says, "It's good." Mike made pan-roasted belly, confit cheeks, charred collar, and tomato sauce. Bourdain tells him that he did nice work. Dale made fluke back fin sashimi with cucumber and fluke liver sauce, as well as bacon dashi with salt roasted cod collar. Justo says that the flavor is good, and Bourdain adds, "Nice touch, the liver." And finally, Marcel made a cod mousseline in yuzu chili oil fluke broth. Marcel explains to us that his sauce was amazing, but Bourdain mostly ate the mousseline and not the broth. I would think Marcel is bullshitting as usual, but they do show Justo saying that the sauce is good, and Bourdain did kind of bolt down the mousseline in one bite.
The top four head to the dining room to await the results. Mike admits in an interview that he hopes Marcel doesn't get immunity. Bourdain and Justo come out and thank everyone. Bourdain says that Richard had a lot of textures and flavors. Mike's food was light and vibrant. Marcel's food was tasty but had a monochromatic texture. Dale highlighted all the fish had to offer and Bourdain loved that he used the liver. So the winner is Dale, and he gets immunity.
The cheftestants report to the kitchen to find out about this week's Elimination Challenge. Whatever could it be? Padma is there with the execrable Ludo Lefebvre. I hated that dude on Masters. He's the guest judge, and he's been opening pop-up restaurants. In case you don't know, a pop-up restaurant is one that opens up in an existing space for a short time period -- anywhere from one night to two months. It's like the kiosks selling Christmas ornaments at the mall. They blow into town, hopefully do gangbusters business, and then blow out again.
Padma drops the bomb that this week is Restaurant Wars, the one challenge that everyone on this season had done once before. And man, Dale and Tre were both eliminated during Restaurant Wars in their original seasons. That would make a person nervous. Then again, Dale has immunity.
Another perk is that Dale is one of the team captains and he gets to choose the other captain. Wisely, he chooses Marcel. First, that means he won't end up with Marcel on his team. And second, that means that he won't end up with Marcel on his team. And third, he doesn't have to work with Marcel. And fourth, the other team is stuck working with Marcel. And finally, Dale is free of Marcel obligations this week. So it's a win-win-win-win-win.
Marcel has first pick. Blais interviews that he was kind of trying to hide to avoid being picked. Marcel picks Angelo instead. Why? Why would you pick weirdo Angelo? Then again, why am I trying to figure out how Marcel thinks? Dale immediately chooses Blais, because he's no dummy. Marcel picks Mike, and I'm not sure why Mike is ranked so highly by his peers, but whatever. So then, I'm sure Dale will pick Carla, right? Because she's a hard worker, and a positive force, but most importantly, she has won a few challenges. Nope. He picks Tre, who has won nothing and didn't even make it to the finals on his season. I do not get it. Marcel picks Antonia and Dale picks Fabio, assuming that Fabio will be great at front of house, which he will. So then Marcel picks Tiffany (?) and Carla gets sent to Dale by default. It makes no sense to me that Carla got chosen last. None at all.
Padma adds that this time, the diners will choose the winning restaurant. Ludo gives them this sage advice: "Focus on the food." Wow, thanks. And here I was going to focus on everything but the food in a competition about cooking food. Shut up, Ludo. Anyway, remember in the early seasons, when they had to go to Pier One and buy shitty bamboo trays and candles and stuff? I miss those days. It had nothing to do with cooking, and was probably a big waste of time, but I enjoyed seeing how tacky the restaurants would turn out.
The teams split up to discuss their strategies and food. Marcel tells us in an interview that he's all about assembling a team with the most talent. Let's look at his team: him, Angelo, Mike, Antonia, and Tiffany. Let's look at the other team: Dale, Blais, Tre, Fabio, and Carla. Which team do you think has more talent? This is why we ignore everything Marcel says. He's either delusional, or a liar, or both. Anyway, they all pressure Tiffany into being the front-of-house person, because she's charming. Tiffany isn't really happy about it, but she does it for the team.
Dale's team gathers, and Blais introduces his concept: the bodega. He starts throwing out ideas, and the others listen closely and seem excited. In contrast, over on Marcel's team, he throws out the idea of "modern, global cuisine." Wow, that's incredibly non-specific. What kind of food do you serve at your restaurant, Marcel? "Oh, we serve food that people make now in every part of the world." Oh, I like food that is made now from all parts of the world! I can't get that anywhere else. Ugh. He is the worst.
Then Mike utters my other least favorite saying, explaining that he likes bold flavors and spices. Do you? Do you really? Because I like bland food with no flavor. I like white bread with nothing on it, not even salt. Do you have that on your menu? Shut up, Mike. Anyway, Marcel quickly loses control of his team because everyone starts talking about what they want to make and Marcel keeps insisting that they're just brainstorming and he won't listen to anyone and won't write anything down or commit to anything, even though his teammates are like, "This is what I'm making. Period." Look, they've decided. Why not let them? And then once everyone has a dish, you can say, "You know, I don't think your white bread with no salt fits into our menu, since we're focusing on food that is made now in all parts of the world with flavor." See how that works? Anyway, Marcel throws a hissy fit and everyone ignores him because clearly they have traveled into the future and read my recap and taken my advice. Yay!
The other team is like, "We are going to fuse our minds together and create a superbaby, and that baby will be named Bodega." And then they all experience mindmeld and it's awesome. Fabio is practically giddy with excitement.
The cheftestants head back to the apartment and continue discussing their ideas. Dale's team is refinining their Bodega concept. They discuss how a bodega is a spot where you can get a coffee, a bagel, a bag of chips, a sixer, and a Selena CD. Carla is excited, but she knows the diners will be voting, and she hopes that the concept isn't too far out for them. To illustrate her point, Blais is talking about rednecks who win the lottery eating caviar dipped in ranch dressing. Ah, now I see where this could go wrong.
Marcel's team can't decide on a restaurant name. Marcel lobbies for "Medi" because most of their food is Mediterranean. Is it? I thought it was global. Why not "Globi"? Hire me, restaurant consultants! Their whole conversation is really confusing because at first it seems like Marcel is arguing that he's the only one who has thrown out an idea, so they should use it until someone comes up with something better. But then Angelo says that the other four all want the same thing, so majority wins. Mike's idea is Etch, which is almost as bad as Medi. He explains that they are "etching [their] food together into a tasting menu." I don't think he knows what etch means. Also, it's way too close to "sketch" which makes me think of "sketchy" and I don't want to eat somewhere sketchy. Then again, they are wasting way too much time worrying about the name, when no one cares. Call it A.S. Bistro and be done with it. People don't vote for the name; they vote for the food. And also maybe if they think Fabio wants to fuck them. I'm just saying.
The day, the teams arrive at their restaurants, which are outside. But they have all the same equipment as always. The teams assess everything and try to figure out if they need to reconfigure anything for their needs. Marcel has another stupid bandanna tied around his head, but a different one. So that means he brought two bandannas. I mean, his hair isn't even that long that he needs something to keep it out of his face. Maybe he's really sweaty? I hate him.
They have five hours to prep. Blais explains what everyone on his team is doing. They're starting off with a bag of chips. Dale is doing a bacon, egg, and cheese play on a breakfast sandwich. Blais is doing canned tuna and also a fish fry. Tre is doing pork shoulder (how does that fit the concept?) while Carla does a blueberry pie and Fabio does a cheesecake. I love that Carla is pulling out her secret pastry weapon. That served her well during her original season.
Meanwhile, Antonia explains the concept for her team's restaurant, which is Mediterranean Inspired. I don't even know what that means. It sounds like some of them are making Mediterranean food and some aren't, and they couldn't come up with a concept to fit it all into. I'm telling you, call it Globi! It's a winner! Tiffany is doing something with eggs and chorizo (so, Spanish?), Angelo is doing a fluke crudo (Italian), Mike is doing something with octopus (Greek), Marcel is cooking monkfish (possibly Spanish), Mike and Angelo are working together to make lamb (Greek), and Antonia is making gnudi with oxtail (Italian). So I guess those are mostly Mediterranean, but it is really just more general European, right? And no dessert? Or appetizer? Interesting.
Colicchio shows up and talks to Marcel, who says he's doing a "reverse amuse." Colicchio is like "WTF?" and Marcel says it's "a little sweet treat at the end." So it's dessert. Stop being cute. Tom tries to ask Marcel if he's worried about doing two dishes himself and also being responsible for the whole team but Marcel is all jumpy and fidgety and finally basically tells Tom to get out so he can finish his dishes. Afterwards, Tom tells the camera that Marcel is all over the place and some people thrive on that energy but sometimes "it's a weird energy." I think the latter is true here. Marcel either had a dozen Jolt colas or took something or he's just a weirdo. Or some combination of those. Because he's acting bizarre.
Tom moves over to talk to Dale about their food. Tom isn't sure that all of their dishes fit the theme, and Dale says they are twists on bodega food. I mean, duh. They're not going to serve up a bagel with cream cheese and a Greek salad. Tom pretends like he doesn't already know Dale's team totally has this in the bag and expresses doubt about the theme.
Fabio runs out to the front and starts setting up tables. He greets the servers and goes over the menu with them. This is really Fabio's element. I think he's a good cook, but a great front-of-house guy. Too bad this isn't Top Front-of-House Guy. He would totally win.
Tiffany is working on her eggs. Marcel is yelling instructions over to her about how to peel them and she's muttering under her breath that she knows how to cook an egg. And then she gets all freaked out because Fabio is out in the front and she's still cooking, and she needs to get out there. Except she has all these eggs to peel. And, oops. The eggs aren't cooked properly. This whole section is very confusing. Tiffany seems to be saying that she listened to Marcel's suggestions and that's why her eggs got screwed up. Marcel seems to be saying that Tiffany doesn't know how to cook a six-minute egg. Whatever happened, they need a new dish. Mike comes up with some weird technique where you put an egg in a blend of half sugar and half salt to cure it. I tried looking this technique up, but all of the recipes I found said the yolks needed to cure for at least eight or twelve hours. So I don't know what's going on here, because it looks like Tiffany did about twelve eggs and then handed everything over to Angelo so she could go meet with the servers. They took fifteen extra minutes for this episode and yet things are kind of a mystery still, but I think part of it is the editors' efforts to make it look like Marcel's team had a chance.
So then Angelo tries to convince Marcel that one of their dishes doesn't need a foam, because it will take too much time. Marcel is like, "What? Why not? The foam is already done." Of course it is. Of course Marcel prioritized his foam. Angelo explains that he means it will take too long to plate, because it's fussy and unnecessary, and because the judges have repeatedly told Marcel to cut it out with the stupid foams. Okay, Angelo just says the first part.
The editors are like, "How can we make it look like Dale's team might be in trouble? Everything is going perfectly? Who is crazily anxious about everything and always assumes the worst? BLAIS!" So Blais does an interview where he's like, "I think things were going TOO well and it was the calm before the storm." Oh, Blais. Always so worried, usually for no good reason.
The final preparations begin. Fabio and Tiffany give their servers some last-minute instructions. The plating happens. Angelo assures Tiffany that her dish came out okay after all. Because Carla is awesome, she yells over to her competition to have a good service, and Antonia returns the gesture.
The diners show up, and Fabio and Tiffany start seating. Tiffany realizes that Dana Cowin, editor of Food and Wine is in her line, and that just adds an extra level of anxiety. The dude in Dana's party looks SO familiar but I cannot figure out who it is. A little Googling reveals that it's Ben Leventhal, founder of eater.com and current employee of my current employer, NBC Universal. So we are practically related! No wonder he looked familiar. (Note to future Googlers: the other two people in the party were Joanne Wilson and Amanda Hesser, per Dana Cowin's Twitter. You're welcome). Tiffany heads to the kitchen to tell the chefs about their VIP table, and before she leaves, she catches someone's eye and mouths, "Not good." Yikes. Already? They just started!
Blais explains how things are going to work. The diners will eat at one restaurant, and then eat at the other, and then vote for the winner. Well, that was complicated. Glad he explained it. Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, Dale is telling the servers that they screwed up in writing the orders. Dale is expediting, and making sure that each table gets the correct dish. He has a bunch of plates in front of him, and the servers are kind of crowding him to get to their plates, but Dale doesn't want anyone grabbing anything before he gets the orders straightened out, so he kind of angrily tells them to back the fuck off. Fabio is right there, and he calms Dale down, and gets the servers straightened out. Oh no! Dale's team is falling apart. Not really, but the editors sense an opportunity and they have Antonia saying that Dale's team might be nervous because they're serving tuna out of a can while Marcel's team is serving perfectly composed plates.
Oops! Not so fast, Antonia. Tiffany, who looks like she has reached about a 9 out of a 10 on the I Don't Give a Shit Meter, strolls languidly back into the kitchen with some plates of lamb and says that they're undercooked, at least according to the diners. I would imagine the judges would eat it that way, but a regular person probably wouldn't. And then Tiffany has to stand there while Dana Cowin's table totally rips apart her salad and they take turns explaining why it was horrible. So at this point, given the usual reverse psychology this show employs, I figured that Marcel's team must win by some miracle. Because otherwise, the outcome is just too obvious, right?
Dana Cowin and company have moved over to Bodega, and Fabio greets them personally and is just more animated in general than Tiffany, who kind of acted like she was moving through water in slow motion. Fabio explains the menu to the table and then leaves. Dana Cowin immediately says that Bodega is a huge improvement over the competition already, because they have a cohesive concept, and they are modern and fun. Dana adds, "There's fun all over this menu." You'd think Fabio would have wiped that down before giving it to her, then.
Oh, snap! The judges are at Bodega. Fabio greets them immediately and gives them the starter, Dale's bag of potato chips with fried herbs and sea salt. Fabio heads back to the kitchen to fill the judges' order, and Carla interviews that things started rocky, especially for Dale, but now things have smoothed out. Fabio grabs some plates and serves the judges the first course. Blais made raw tuna belly and fried chicken skin with chilies and lime. It's served in a can like tuna fish. Dale added bacon, egg, and cheese with homemade focaccia. The editors try really hard to make it seem like Bodega might be in trouble, and they get a few diners to say that Dale's dish is confusing and common. Bourdain loves it, though he admits that if you put a runny egg on anything, he will like it. Ludo liked Blais's tuna, but they find a diner who says that the can was dumb. At this point, I started to worry a bit that the judges would love Bodega's food, but the diners wouldn't get it and they would lose.
Fabio checks in with the judges and then Tom notes that Fabio is in total control of the floor, and keeps tight control over the staff. Fabio is giving direction to the servers, but in a nice and firm way. He's not yelling at anyone, but he anticipates problems before they might happen and keeps things in line. Meanwhile, Tiffany is kind of wandering from table to table and talking in this really fake voice. She gets a few reports that the food was good, although would people really tell her if the food sucked? They know she cooked some of it.
Fabio runs back to the kitchen to pick up the second course, and reports that the judges cleaned their plates in the first course. Blais is still super anxious about the food, and Fabio assures him that the judges loved it. Those two should make a buddy cop movie. Blais is the by-the-book uptight partner, and Fabio is the renegade cop who makes his own rules. But there has to be a scene where they pull a wagon full of food, like last week at the market, because that was adorable. Anyway, the second course features a dish by Blais: chicken-fried codfish and Brussels kraut. The other dish is by Tre: pork shoulder, grits with cheddar cheese, Corona, and lime sauce. Padma and Tom both love the pork, although one random diner thinks it's a little dry. There is nothing but praise for Blais's fish. Bourdain says that he wishes Bodega would pop up in his neighborhood. When Fabio takes the plates, he notices that there is still some pork on the plate and asks if there was something wrong. Padma says she's just trying to pace herself. Attentive! Meanwhile, Tiffany is getting more praise for her restaurant's food. Those editors really faked me out!
Finally, Fabio takes out the dessert course. The first dish is by Fabio: amaretto cake with candied lemon peel and cappuccino mousse. The second dish is by Carla: blueberry pie with dry milk ice cream. I don't know what that means. It looks like an ice cream cone filled with blueberries and laid on its side. It's just an interesting way of plating pie. Bourdain takes a bite of the cake and says, "I really just fucking love Fabio's dessert," and says he's been waiting for Fabio to make a dish like that all season. Ludo liked the pie, but it wasn't amazing or anything. Other diners thought it was fantastic. So there you go. Nothing was terrible, and some things were outstanding. And now it's time to head over to the other restaurant.
Things seem to be going smoothly over at Etch. Tiffany is kibitzing with the diners and she doesn't greet the judges. They seem to get seated quickly, but just by some random server. Luckily, Tiffany spots them pretty quickly (they are seated right to where she's standing) and goes over. She doesn't seem to greet them very effusively and after Padma asks for two of each dish, Tiffany just kind of wanders over to another table, like you'd think she would put some hustle into getting their order into the kitchen.
Speaking of the kitchen, things aren't going well. Marcel sniffles and snuffles and sweats and then asks Mike if they can talk more about what's going on. Mike agrees without any complaint. Out front, Tiffany is talking to the diners and kind of cackles loudly and obnoxiously. Padma comments that Tiffany seems to think that being a good host is all about schmoozing, and not service. Bourdain notes how unorganized the servers seem, as they don't seem to know which table the various dishes go to. Tom tries to say something but is drowned out by Tiffany's hyena laugh, and Padma says that she shouldn't hear the host's laughter over anything else. Tiffany swings by to check in and Padma tells her that they're hungry and want their food. Seriously, how long should it take? Tiffany relays this message to the kitchen. What are they doing back there? They don't have that many dishes to worry about; shouldn't the food come up pretty quickly? Once they knew the judges were seated, just start firing the food, right?
Tiffany brings out the first course, which is her own frisee and shaved asparagus salad with egg and chorizo, and then Angelo's crudo of fluke, grapes, pink peppercorns, and lemon zest. The judges all agree that it was underseasoned and needed more flavor. One of the diners liked the texture. No one mentions if the egg was fucked up or not. Tom thought Angelo's crudo had too many elements that competed with the fish.
At another table, a diner tells Tiffany that he ate a good dish that was ruined by a cold plate, which caused all of the food to be cold. Tiffany takes his comment back to the kitchen so that they don't do the same thing for the judges. Angelo grabs some plates off the passthrough and says that they're cold and they need to be hot. Marcel springs into action and says they should put the plates right on the grill. Um, that's probably not a great idea. Mike looks worried and suggests that Marcel put the plates in a hotel pan first, and then on the grill. Marcel apparently was going to do that anyway, but that's not what he said, but of course he gets all offended and tells Mike to just shut up and cook. And Mike, of course, takes offense and tells Marcel to watch his mouth. Angelo steps in and tries to get Mike to calm down, either because he thinks Mike was at fault, or because he knows that Mike will listen to reason and Marcel won't. I get the vibe that everyone knew that there was no working with Marcel, so they just tried to keep each other from blowing up, since they knew there was no point to trying to keep Marcel sane. Angelo interviews that he would have fired Mike on the spot, and he's trying to support Marcel as the captain. That's diplomatic, but I wonder if it's the truth.
Tiffany and a server bring out the second course. Marcel made roasted monkfish with kalamata olives, peperonata, and parsley. Mike made braised pork belly with octopus and cannellini beans. Ludo says that the monkfish was mushy and Bourdain adds, "It was fucking baby food." One of the diners hates the foam, because he's a normal person. Everyone has good things to say about Mike's pork belly. Colicchio looks exhausted, like eating this food is just taxing him and he can't wait to get the fuck out of there.
Back in the kitchen, Mike and Marcel are talking it out with Angelo as referee. Marcel thinks that Mike was only taking care of his own food and not being careful about the monkfish that Marcel was serving. Angelo says that when they bicker, it affects everybody. Marcel tries to take control and says that they are already moving past it and adds, "No more comments from the fucking peanut gallery." Angelo turns to look at Mike, laughing, like, "Can you fucking believe this asshole Marcel?" Dude, Angelo was trying to keep Mike from punching you in the face. Have a little gratitude. Marcel tries to pretend like he resolved everything and everyone else should just shut up and fall in line. Ugh. I feel so bad for the people on his team.
Tiffany serves the third course featuring Antonia's ricotta gnudi, braised oxtail ragout, arugula, and lemon zest, along with Mike and Angelo's slow-cooked lamb chop, cauliflower puree, turmeric, and honey. Padma thought Antonia's food was too salty, but Bourdain liked it and another diner called it the best dish of the night. There is unanimous praise for the lamb dish, although most people think it might be too little, too late for the meal as a whole. Antonia is trying to keep track of how many dishes are waiting to be served and Marcel interrupts her and starts yelling out other numbers. As she is trying to ask him to shut it, he asks her about dessert and then says defensively, "Are you going to answer my question?" Then he mutters to himself about how things change and everyone needs to adapt. Ugh. He is the worst. THE WORST!
Tiffanhy brings out the smoking or steaming plate for dessert: Marcel's duo of peaches: unripened peach and sweet peach with coconut foam and powder. Wow, that sounds delicious, except by delicious, I mean disgusting. Why would I want to eat an unripened peach? And in what context does foam and powder sound like something you'd want in a dessert? In my dessert, I want words like gooey and chocolate. That sounds terrible. It's so Marcel. Bourdain calls it "a perfect storm of fucking awfulness."
And then I get worried because one of the diners thought the dry ice was cool. Dana Cowin says that the results will likely be lopsided because Bodega was so much better, but then another random diner says that Bodega's service was better, but he liked the food at Etch. The editors did a really good job of planting the possibility that Etch might win with the diners even though Bodega was clearly better according to the judges and Dana Cowin (and humanity). The diners submit their comment cards. Fabio is trying to assure Blais that the food was great and the diners were happy, but Blais is Blais and he's worried that something will go wrong. Meanwhile, Marcel is telling everyone that his team put out great food. Mike screws his face up in his best WTF look and Antonia tells Tiffany that it was a shitshow. Marcel overhears and calls her "Debbie Downer over here" and "Jesus fucking Christ" and "What the fuck's her problem? Fucking psycho." Wow, Antonia didn't even say anything THAT bad. It was like she said, "Our food sucked and we will lose." She was just acknowledging that things didn't go smoothly in the kitchen. Marcel is cuckoo crazy pants. But you knew that. Antonia interviews that Marcel thought they did a great job, and she was like, "You are on drugs.
Stew Room. Dale's team is loose, joking around and teasing Fabio about his flirtatious ways with the diners. Marcel admits that his team was "in the juice." Padma comes in and asks to see Team Etch, and since they've been varying whether they call the winners first or second, no one really knows what to make of it. Team Etch follows Padma in to Judges' Table and Blais asks Fabio for some positivity, because now he's really worried. Fabio goes and sits on Blais's lap and assures him it will be fine. If you haven't been to Fabio's site and read his reactions to the episode, you really should. He has screenshots of him sitting on Blais's lap with pink hearts drawn around them. Hilarious.
Weird interstitial. Dale remembers that he got eliminated during his restaurant wars, and it was rough. So he hates Restaurant Wars. Fabio, on the other hand, loves it. He remembers on his season, when he dressed in his white suit and kicked ass. Aw, good times. I miss Stefan too. I wish he was on this season.
Team Etch files in to face the judges. Padma delivers the news that the diners chose them as the least favorite. In fact, only 17 out of 76 diners liked them more. Ouch. That's less than a quarter. They got housed in this competition. Padma asks Marcel what went wrong, and Marcel says that there were last-minute tweaks on dishes, and pick-ups were "laborious." I'm not sure if that's a shot at Tiffany or not, but they cut to a shot of her, clearly intent on keeping her yap shut. Tom points out that they didn't seem to have a plan to execute some fairly complicated food. Antonia thinks it was a lack of calmness and togetherness, and Angelo suggests that someone should have broken off and organized the kitchen. Tom asks who should have done that, and everyone just looks at his or her feet, like when the teacher asks a question that no one knows the answer to. Tom comments, "The silence is deafening." I think what's going on here is that they all know Marcel fucked up, but they don't want to get into it with him in front of the judges because he might turn it on them, so they're just keeping their mouths shut and hoping the judges figure it out.
Tom turns his attention to the food. He doesn't see how Angelo's crudo was Mediterranean at all. Angelo thinks pink peppercorns come from Southern France, but Ludo, who is French, says that's not the case. According to the Internet, they are usually from Peru or Brazil, so Angelo is talking out of his ass. The judges had some problems with Mike's dish; they didn't think it had enough seasoning or flavor in either the pork belly or the octopus. Mike just apologizes. Bourdain sounds really disappointed when he tells Antonia he knows she can make a great ragout, but this was too salty and sticky. She just nods. They are all just silently taking the criticism, which is weird. I guess they know it sucked, and they're counting on Marcel to implode.
Speaking of Marcel, Bourdain asks the question we all are thinking: "Why foam? Why now?" Marcel has some convoluted explanation about the parsley flavor cutting through the peppers but Tom points out that there are other ways to infuse parsley flavor without using foam, which wasn't really appropriate to the dish, and it didn't work. Ludo adds that the dish was mushy to boot. Mmm, mushy with a weak parsley flavor. Can't believe that didn't win. Padma brings up the stupid dessert, and none of the judges liked it. Bourdain calls it "a thumb in the eye at the end of the meal." Marcel doesn't even try to defend it.
Moving on to Tiffany, Tom tells her that slicing the asparagus and boiling it to make it curl is a neat trick, but it removes all flavor. Ludo adds that they wanted more flavor for the chorizo as well. Tiffany just nods. Padma brings up the front of house issues, and Tom says that at one point there was not one server on the floor at all. Tiffany says, "When you're having arguments on the line, it's a lot, and it's hard to control." Antonia gets a look on her face like, "Oh, shit. She brought it up" and Tom asks, "Arguments on the line?" Tiffany gets a look like, "Oops." Clearly they agreed not to discuss the kitchen shenanigans, and Tiffany let it slip. She even says, "Uh oh." Mike steps up and says t
hat he and Marcel had a miscommunication, and he explains it in a way that really doesn't make him or Marcel look terribly bad, and even gives Antonia points for stepping in and straightening them out. But of course, Marcel has to give his version of the story, where Mike refused to answer his questions.So then, Mike has had enough and he's like "Oh, you're going to pull my card? Because that's what you're doing." And then he yells that Marcel was trying to plate desserts on their pickup. I don't really know what that means, but it's clearly a bad thing. And also that Marcel tried to do two dishes, and he wasn't strong enough to pull it off. Angelo nods in agreement. So Marcel yells that Mike hasn't worked a line in years, and he was slow. Mike delivers the line that had the editors squealing with delight: "You did a poor job. No one wants to say anything because you're a time bomb." And that's what's really going on. Tiffany tries to get the boys to shut up, because clearly the judges don't care. I mean, they care in that they're eating popcorn and giggling, but I don't think this will have any effect on their final decision. Marcel starts to list off all the ways that his suggestions were ignored. Antonia's like, "Okay, we're going there" and says that Marcel should have stepped up as team captain, and he didn't. Marcel claims they all ignored him, and Tiffany says it's because he was barking orders instead of working with them. Colicchio puts his head in his hands.
Angelo apologizes for them being so unprofessional and adds that it was a shit show. Tiffany bursts out laughing, I think more from shock that Angelo said that than anything, and Padma chides her for laughing because it's not funny. Oh, come on Padma. They're not the United Nations arguing over disarmament. Stop taking yourself so seriously. This is a little bit funny. And Tiffany isn't a child. I mean, yes, I'm glad one of the judges stepped up and put an end to the horseshit, but let's all relax. Padma excuses them and asks to see Team Bodega.
Marcel walks in and tells the other team that they won, and to his credit, he congratulates them and tells Blais to stop worrying. Team Bodega heads out. Team Etch is still rehashing what went down. Mike says he knew they lost, and Antonia says that they needed someone to take charge, but Marcel is still insisting that he can't force people to do things. No, you can't. But you can stop being an asshole and maybe they will listen to you. Asshole.
Padma officially tells Team Bodega that they won. Ludo tells them that what they accomplished in twenty-four hours was amazing. Dale was the executive chef and Blais was the technical advisor. They all give credit to Blais for the idea of the chips in a bag, which Bourdain loved, and Carla adds that Blais helps everyone elevate their food. It's a Blais lovefest. Ludo loved his tuna in a can, and Colicchio compliments everything Fabio did, from greeting to directing the staff to his dessert. Bourdain calls Dale's egg dish "stoner food at its finest." They have nothing but praise for Tre's food, as well as Carla's. So who's going to win? Ludo admits that it was tough to pick a winner, but Blais is the winner. He's surprised that Dale didn't take it, but his whole team congratulates him and obviously thinks that he deserved it. I mean, it was totally his concept and he had a finger in all of the dishes.
The judges discuss who should go home from Team Etch. Bourdain says that they screwed up in concept, execution, and service. Antonia's food was too salty. Marcel's dessert was terrible, and Ludo points out that he was an awful manager too. Mike made the lamb that had to be sent back by some diners, and his pork belly wasn't great either. Angelo's dish was boring, and Bourdain thinks that Angelo knew things were going poorly so he kind of stepped back and stayed out of it. Tiffany was lost in the front of house, and her dish had no flavor. Padma wonders if Tiffany should go home for making a bad dish and having poor service. Bourdain points out that it was disorganized and just awful from start to finish. This is really bad. I don't think they liked any of the dishes at all. Yikes.
Team Etch stands in front of the judges. Tom tells them that they failed miserably. Antonia's dish was too salty. Mike did two dishes that were just okay, and could have done more to bail his team out. Tiffany produced a disorganized service, and her dish wasn't great. Marcel was the leader and let everything fall apart. Angelo took a back seat when he knows better, and the judges felt he could have stepped up. But he didn't. So who's going home? Padma tells Marcel to pack his knives and go. Marcel of course has to say, "That's the first time I've heard you say those words." God, he is awful. In his exit interview, Marcel claims that he didn't make any mistakes other than picking a bad team. Which is a mistake. Mike thinks Marcel is a good person but doesn't know how to talk to people. Marcel also thinks he's notorious and diabolical. He really has no idea how he is perceived, does he? I would love to meet his parents. I mean, not really, but maybe just see them on TV. I can't imagine who produced this disaster.
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