Quickfire Challenge judged by Paul Bartolotta, famed Italian chef, is to take a classic TV dinner and give it a gourmet makeover as inspired by an iconic television show. The top two are Kevin's Sopranos-inspired meatballs, and Bryan's M.A.S.H.-inspired meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Kevin wins, and doesn't get immunity, but does get promised that his meal will be included in the new line of Top Chef frozen foods.
Elimination Challenge: Take over Tom Colicchio's restaurant, CraftSteak. The twist is that one of the judges is Natalie Portman, and she's a vegetarian, so they can't use any meat. Jen has to change her game plan multiple times, first because everyone else is using morels and she doesn't want to, and then she flips Eli for who can use eggplant, and he wins. Mike I. struggles when an equipment malfunction means that his leeks don't cook properly, and Robin inexplicably decides to make a dish she's never made before, despite the fact that she's probably the most experienced with vegetarian food. She also runs out of time and doesn't put garbanzo beans on three of her plates. So here are the dishes they served:
Robin: stuffed squash blossom, beet carpaccio, fresh garbanzo beans, and chermoula. The judges think it looks pretty but is overly salty.
Eli: confit of eggplant, lentils, garlic puree, and radish salad. The judges like it, but some of the herbs he used in his radish salad (like lavender?) are overpowering.
Michael V.: asparagus salad, Japanese tomato sashimi, and banana polenta. The judges are confused and delighted by the dish, which is exactly what Michael was hoping.
Jen: charred baby eggplant, braised fennel, tomatoes and verjus nage. Jen adds the sauce at the table, and her hands are shaking so badly that the sauce goes all over, and the judges worry that the dish isn't substantial enough.
Mike I.: whole roasted leeks with onion jus, baby carrot puree, and fingerling potatoes. The judges notice that that leeks are undercooked and they think perhaps the execution didn't match with the idea.
Bryan: artichoke barigoule, confit of shallot, wild asparagus, and fennel puree. Somehow this dish inspires a lot of off-color dick jokes at the table, which is hilarious, but probably not what Bryan was thinking.
Kevin: duo of mushrooms, smoked kale, candied garlic, and turnip purée. His dish looks like a pile of brown crap to me, but the judges love how hearty it is, and they don't miss the meat or grain.
The top three are Kevin, Eli (!), and Michael V. and the winner is Kevin for being both inventive and flavorful. Wow, I really thought they were going to go with Michael V. Kevin is proud that he's shown he can cook something besides pork. Michael V. has sour grapes because he thinks that the dish was too simple.
The bottom three are Mike I., Robin, and Jen (again!). Mike's undercooked leeks and lack of protein sunk his dish. Robin's dish was scattered and not cohesive. Jen's lack of confidence and insubstantial dish hurt her. Ultimately, Mike is told to pack his knives and go. I'm not going to pretend that it doesn't make me a little happy to see him go before Robin, even though I kind of hate to see Robin stay another week.
Unlike last week's episode, which opened with happy Jen and Laurine hanging out by the pool, everyone seems pretty melancholy and sleepy in this week's episode opening. Michael V. is honing his knives (metaphor?) as Kevin looks on blearily. Jen is getting dressed and lamenting her poor performance in Restaurant Wars. She realizes that she needs to let it go and just start doing better. She's kind of getting the Jamie edit this season: promising start that falls apart emotionally after a while. That was Jamie, right? It's all a blur at this point. Robin interviews that she's happy with how Restaurant Wars went, and even though everyone hates her and no one wants her there, she's holding her own. Or at least, she's not screwing up as badly as the others. If she would win another challenge at this point, then I might start to be impressed.
The cheftestants hit the kitchen to find out about this week's Quickfire Challenge from Padma and Paul Bartalotta, a famed Italian chef. And the challenge is sponsored by TV Guide, who have chosen "seven iconic shows." The cheftestants will draw knives and they must create a classic TV dinner inspired by their designated show in sixty minutes. After knives are drawn, the cheftestants race for the fridge to battle over proteins.
Robin grew up as a hippie eating health food, so she doesn't know from TV dinners. Okay, but you've seen them? Like in a store? Or heard of them? Because you live in the world? Plus, I thought she turned to healthy foods after her cancer diagnosis. Whatever. She got Sesame Street and I don't know how her dish relates to that show. Michael V. had a traditional mom who put dinner on the table every night (me too!) but later moved in with his dad, so there were a lot of frozen dinners at that point. Interesting that both boys became chefs when their father was obviously not a culinary role model. He got Cheers, so he plans to make a version of traditional bar food.
Jen got The Flintstones, and she wanted to make some type of meat with a big bone in it, but there wasn't anything like that in the fridge, so she settled for chicken (?). She says that her favorite Flintstone is Pebbles, because she's got cute hair and a cute boyfriend, although she also thinks that Bam Bam drags Pebbles around by her hair? Which I don't really remember happening in that cartoon. Then again, I haven't watched it in multiple decades.
Eli didn't eat TV dinners growing up and he thinks his show, Gilligan's Island, was on twenty years before he started watching television. Okay, there's this thing called syndication? It's not like I was watching the show on prime time network television. And also, there's this thing called pop culture? Seriously, where do they get these people? You don't have to be an expert on the show; you just have to be familiar with the show's premise and maybe a few characters. So Eli decides to go for a "cheesy island-y flair" and I think he is using Malibu rum, which, yuck. He jokes that it smells like a Jimmy Buffett concert in his workspace.
Bryan got M.A.S.H., so he's decided to make a traditional dish of the times. The '50s, when the show was set, or the '70s and '80s, when the show aired? Well, it's meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and apple pie, so I guess he went '50s. Kevin admits that he has had frozen meals, as he reveals that he got The Sopranos. He thinks of food and families, and explains that his whole family lives on the same street and his grandmother cooks everyone breakfast every day. That is awesome. I wish my grandmother cooked my breakfast every day. Well, not my grandmother. She's not a great cook. But someone's grandmother who IS a great cook. So Kevin's strategy is to make food for "a family spread."
Jen is screwing up her food once again. She leaves her garlic cream sauce on the stove and it burns. What is her deal? Everyone starts plating as Padma and Paul arrive. They sit on a vintage-looking couch in front of an old TV, and everyone had to use divided plates that look vaguely like a TV dinner tray. And that's about all of the connection to television shows you'll get.
Jen serves chicken roulade with garlic cream, pea salad, and caramelized peaches. What does this have to do with her show? Nothing. I can't think of one connection to The Flintstones. She doesn't offer up any explanation either. Jen says that she feels okay about the dish, but doesn't seem too enthused.
Mike I. had Seinfeld, and he claims that he's never seen the show. Do they recruit these people from caves? Especially someone who claims to like comedy and humor, to have never seen one of the seminal sitcoms of television history? That is on in syndication like twenty-five times per day? Or at least be familiar with the characters? I do not understand. Neither does guest judge Paul Bartalotta, which I appreciated. Okay, so if you had to make Seinfeld food, what would you make? Something Upper West Side, New York-y, Jewish, diner or deli food, right? Like a knish or a bagel or a Reuben even? My husband just suggested soup, and that made me think of lobster bisque. So what did Mike make? Sausage and peppers, mushrooms and cheese, and a warm fruit salad with pine nuts. I think he was thinking Sopranos there.
Speaking of The Sopranos, Kevin made meatballs with polenta, roasted cauliflower, and roasted pear. At least he made meatballs, and did the traditional TV dinner thing of an entrée, a vegetable, and a dessert. I would have called mine, "What? No Fucking Ziti?" but I guess it would be tough to make baked ziti in an hour, especially if you didn't want to use dried pasta. I make a really awesome baked ziti, though. Padma comments on how good the cauliflower is, and Paul says that he tastes pepperoncini, which must mean that it's spicy.
Eli had Gilligan's Island, so he went totally tropical and made macadamia nut shrimp with sweet potato puree, tropical herb salad, and cherries and bananas. Given the parameters of the challenge, I don't have a problem with his dish, if it's executed well. At least you can see the tie to his show.
Michael V. has Cheers and he made chicken parmesan with spaghetti gratin, braised Swiss chard, and cherry pie. I get that he was going for bar food but I don't think of any of those dishes as bar food. I would have liked a refined or deconstructed version of sliders or (given the show's Boston setting) fried clams or a fish fry or something. And pretzels should be involved somehow. Paul points out that he tastes fennel, and he likes it.
Robin had Sesame Street, and she says that she thinks of "the big eye." What is she talking about? Is she thinking of Romper Room and "I spy with my little eye"? So her food is a burger with egg, crispy kale, carrot salad, and almond-laced cookie. I get the cookie, but what about the rest of it? It's pretty colors? How about some kids' food like chicken nuggets or pudding or something? Paul claims he likes the direction and inspiration. He is on drugs.
Bryan had M.A.S.H. and his theme was American food from the '50s so he made meatloaf, mashed potato, asparagus, and apple tarte tatin. I can get behind his reasoning, and the food looks good. The judges agree with me.
Judgment time. Paul's bottom two is Jennifer and Robin. Jennifer's pea salad was not great and the chicken didn't hit the mark. Robin's burger was kind of dry. How about neither of their meals had anything to do with their theme? Apparently, that's not a consideration. So why have themes at all?
The top two are Kevin and Bryan. Paul felt that Kevin hit the concept well, and executed his food perfectly. Bryan's food was good, and so tasty that Padma let out an involuntary "Mmm." In the end, Kevin is the winner. He doesn't get immunity, because there's no more immunity to be had, but a version of his dish will appear in the new line of Top Chef frozen foods. That sounds like the worst idea of all time. Way to dumb down your food, show. There's no way any frozen food could be as good as a gourmet meal. And it's going to be distributed through Schwan's. I used to be so jealous because our neighbors would get frozen French bread pizzas through Schwan's and I thought they were the greatest. Meanwhile, my mom was creating home cooked meals every night and I didn't appreciate them. Irony. Kevin is psyched because his grandma buys food from Schwan's so maybe she'll see his face on the package or something.
Elimination Challenge. The cheftestants will be taking over Colicchio's restaurant, Craftsteak. They'll be serving four judges and seven guests. Robin is worried, because she hasn't cooked a lot of steak in the past, and some of the others have worked in steakhouses. She hopes competence is enough to get through. Um. Do you want to tell her or should I?
As the cheftestants prepare to head to the restaurant, Jen is looking ROUGH this morning. Robin keeps talking to her while they get ready and Jen doesn't even have Laurine to deflect some of the attention. She looks seriously annoyed. Jen once again interviews that she needs to focus on her food and cooking and get her shit together. As she has said like every week for the past three or so.
The guys are discussing how they are going to cook their steaks, and the benefits of sous vide, etc. They also talk about who's going to cook beef, lamb, or pork. In other words, they're all prepping to cook massive amounts of meat, since it is, after all, a steakhouse.
The cheftestants arrive at the kitchen and run to the walk-ins (which sounds like a song lyric, doesn't it? Run to the walk-in?) to check out what meat is available. There are just racks upon racks of all different cuts and types. Jen finds the lobster and they start searching for crab too. Everything they're looking for, they find, and more.
Colicchio shows up to introduce the challenge. He says that he and Padma have a special guest in town, and the cheftestants will be cooking for her tonight, and in walks...Natalie Portman. I just realized that her Star Wars character's name is Padme and she's friends with Padma. That means nothing in the grand scheme of things, but it just occurred to me and I thought I would mention it. Eli makes a joke about how Natalie's most important role was Star Wars and whatever. He's a geek. Natalie explains that she loves food and loves to be adventurous with flavors and cuisines, but she's a vegetarian. The cheftestants' faces drop, since they were all planning what awesome meat they were going to prepare. Only Robin is happy, because she has a lot of experience cooking this type of food, because she is a dirty hippy. But seriously, they all act like their dog just died. I'm not a vegetarian (girl, please) but I have friends who are, and I always feel bad for them when we go out to eat and they end up eating either just a salad or maybe some pasta. Or a veggie burger. Or French fries as an entrée.
The cheftestants all run to the produce area, which is jam-packed with every kind of produce you could imagine. Kevin wants the kale while Mike I. is looking for leeks. Jen claims the morels, until she finds out that both Kevin and Robin are using them too, so she moves on. Then Jen decides on eggplant, but Eli also wants eggplant, so they flip a dehydrated orange chip and Eli wins. So now Jen has to figure out something else. She settles on baby eggplants, but I'm worried about her dish since she's already had to make so many compromises. She should have just used morels and made a better dish than anyone else. Mike I. claims that his restaurant has over twenty vegetarian dishes on the menu, so he's not worried.
Kevin explains what we meat-eaters are too dumb to understand; that it's tough for a chef to make vegetarian food as satisfying as non-vegetarian food, because meat makes people feel satiated. I would argue that protein does that just as effectively, and you don't need meat to get protein, but I don't want to ruin the storyline that Kevin's got going here. Kevin explains that he and his wife go vegetarian every Lent, so he knows all about it, and he wants to make a satisfying dish that won't make you miss meat.
Robin starts going crazy in the produce walk-in. She grabs a few of like every vegetable in there and is all fired up about the fresh garbanzo beans, which she's never seen before. She muttering and cackling to herself the whole time like a crazy person. And she decides to make something she's never made before, so maybe she is a crazy person.
Mike I. is bragging that he can cook anything and he doesn't care. And also his mom was a vegan. So there! Why does every person on this show always have some experience with the type of cuisine being cooked, but no one has ever watched a television show, apparently? Bunch of communists.
Eli jokes that vegetarians are lower human beings, but in reality, he feels bad for them because they don't always get good food. He plans to use eggplant as his meat replacement. There's an original idea.
Michael V. says that he cooks artistically and looks at what ingredients he has to work with before making decisions. He started out with asparagus and thought about what he could serve with it. Then he remembered a chef he used to work with who mixed banana and polenta. Keep in mind, this combination was not Michael's original idea; he stole it from somewhere else. That's totally part of cooking, but maybe he shouldn't take total credit for it if it goes over well.
Mike I. is trying to boil his leeks, but he realizes that even though he put the pot on the heat a while ago, it's not boiling yet. Rather than try to figure it out, he just lets it go for a while longer, and then when it's still not boiling, he investigates further. Finally, he realizes that his pot is wobbly, so it wasn't getting direct heat, and thus took longer to heat up. Instead of changing his game plan to account for the lost time, he decides to just stick with it because "gold medals are lost in the last six minutes of the competition when people change their minds." He made that up. That's not a saying. And not true.
Jen says that she'll never be a vegetarian personally but she can cook vegetarian food as needed. She's not happy with the produce that she got, since it doesn't fit in with her original plans. Bryan liked his concept but he realizes that he had problems with timing and will just finish with no time to spare. Mike I. is ready to plate but he realizes that his leeks aren't fully cooked. He decides to serve them anyway, because he's confident he can pull it off. Robin starts plating and she realizes that she doesn't have garbanzo beans on every plate. Three plates go out with no beans. She's frantic as usual. It makes me anxious. Can't she specify who gets which plate? Like don't give the judges the plates with no beans?
Padma, Tom, Gail, and Paul Bertolotta sit at a table with Natalie Portman and her hipster friends. Robin is the first to serve. She made stuffed squash blossom, beet carpaccio, fresh garbanzo beans, and chermoula. Padma is super giggly and comments that she can feel her ankles swelling due to all the salt in the dish. Tom didn't get any garbanzo beans, so Paul shares one as everyone laughs. I think this group has been drinking. Natalie loved the visual appeal, but Gail thinks there was a salt issue, and Tom agrees.
Eli interviews that there's no hiding in the middle anymore, and you're either on the top or bottom. He serves confit of eggplant, creamed lentils, spring garlic puree, and radish salad with wild herbs. Natalie likes the texture of the eggplant, and the flavors in the salad. Paul agrees, but then notes that he had some lavender in his salad, and it was a bit overpowering. That would be like eating soap, which is also what Paul points out (and Padma and Natalie die laughing -- are they high?)
Michael V. is frantic just before plating, because he can't find his chopped hazelnuts, and he claims that he takes food more seriously than his opponents. And he thinks his food will confuse Natalie, but she'll still like it. He serves asparagus salad, Japanese tomato sashimi, and banana polenta. Everyone is confused by the banana polenta, but when they taste it, they love it. Gail isn't crazy about the big chunks of banana, and Paul is a little put off by the non-traditional polenta. Natalie calls Michael "Picasso," and Padma laughs that it's the second time someone has said that. She thinks the dish makes her happy and confused all at the same time.
Jen isn't happy with how her plate looks, because she has less food than her opponents, and she knows she's not safe in this round. She made charred baby eggplant, braised fennel, tomato coins with wild coriander and verjus nage. Jen adds the sauce at the table, and her hands are shaking so badly that the sauce goes all over. She doesn't know why she's so nervous, but the diners totally notice her shaking. Gail loves the sauce and Natalie jokes that it added some danger to the presentation. Gail worries that the dish isn't substantial enough and Natalie points out that vegetarians are often served dishes that feel like a collection of sides instead of an entrée. Another guest thinks this dish would have made a great side, alongside a steak, and Natalie laughs for twenty minutes. Doesn't she think that eating meat is like rape? That shouldn't be so funny. And by the way, there are about a million logical flaws in both her argument and Foer's book that I won't get into here, but it makes me sad because I think it's a good cause that people are going to dismiss now because of the wackjobs.
Mike I. thinks his dish looks great, but he knows that the leeks are not finished and it's going to hurt him. He still hopes to be a finalist, though. He serves whole roasted leeks with onion jus, baby carrot puree, and fingerling potatoes with fresh radish and dill. Did he roast the leeks? I thought he boiled them. I would think a roasted leek would have more caramelization. He explains to the diners that he wanted to give them a protein (he means the feel of a protein) with the leeks. Padma is confused, because there's no protein and Mike tries to explain what he means. Padma thinks the whole dish smells like boiled turnip. Ouch. Tom points out that the leeks are undercooked. Natalie appreciates the concept, especially the colors, but the execution just wasn't there. Gail agrees.
Bryan is losing time when it comes to plating, and he doesn't feel like he got to place the food exactly how he wanted, and he even left some food off the plate due to lack of time, but he doesn't say what it was. He serves artichoke barigoule, confit of shallot, wild asparagus, and fennel puree with garlic blossoms. Padma says that the garlic blossoms are "like a little prick on the tip of my tongue" and Natalie tells her not to say that. I guess it's good that she refrained from "That's what she said," because I don't know that I could have. Then Padma goes on to say that the garlic blossoms are "tiny in size" but "big in my mouth." And then everyone dies laughing because get it? It's like she's talking about a penis! Seriously, they're high, right? When did this show get so racy? And no one talks about poor Bryan's food.
Kevin is worried that this dish looks sloppy, and not as pretty as some of the others. He made a duo of mushrooms (morel and Hen of the Woods), smoked kale, candied garlic, and turnip puree. His dish looks like a pile of brown crap to me. Gail thought it was meaty, but the kale may have been too smoky. The guests agree that they don't miss pasta or grain. Why didn't anyone make pasta? Weird. Maybe there wasn't time? Then again, now that Ashley's gone, none of the remaining chefs have really been known to knock out a homemade pasta.
As the judges pack up, Mike V. tastes the food that Bryan didn't get to put on his plate and says that it's full of grease anyway, so it's all for the best. Mike I. and Kevin are both nervous. Mike I. knows his wasn't great, but he hopes that his was still better than Robin's. Jen says that her dish was really bad, and as usual, she has no confidence in her food and thinks she's going home.
Weird interstitial. The cheftestants go to Paul's restaurant and Kevin eats all of the food in the world.
Padma comes into the Stew Room and asks to see Kevin, Michael V., and Eli. So there's your top three. I know I complain about this every week, but couldn't they at least try to make it suspenseful? Once they are in front of the judges, Padma relieves the non-suspense and says that they are the top three. Kevin and Michael say thanks and Eli says nothing because he has no social skills. They start with Michael, and Tom has specific praise for the banana polenta, and how inventive it was. This would be a good time for Michael to admit that he didn't come up with it. Somewhere, there's a chef watching this episode and shaking his fist at the sky and going, "Voltaggio!" For some reason, in my imagination, that chef looks like Patton Oswalt. Natalie enjoyed the sense of humor and jokes that she wondered, "Who is his dealer and does he want new clients?" Okay, that confirms that they're all high, right?
Gail compliments Eli's visual appeal, and how beautiful the dish was. Tom thought it was interesting and fun to eat. Natalie tells Kevin that his smoked kale was awesome, and she thought the whole dish was wonderful. Tom didn't miss the meat at all (and Padma and Natalie refrain from giggling again). Natalie gets to announce the winner and it's...Kevin! Again. Kevin is especially proud because he typically has won for cooking meat, and this was something different. And he won a bunch of appliances. Michael V. interviews that he could've made Kevin's dish in twenty minutes. But he didn't. And Kevin did. So Michael V. is kind of saying that the judges are simple, without saying that. And he's a poor loser.
Mike I., Robin, and Jen get called back in as the bottom three. Natalie wonders why there wasn't a protein. Mike I. explains his original idea about searing medallions of leek like a protein. Except he still doesn't explain it well and Gail has to ask, "You know that a leek isn't a protein, right?" Mike babbles that he thinks that his other components were great. Tom begs to differ, because he thinks that the carrots were just okay and the leeks were so bad, he couldn't get past them, especially when you can roast a leek in twenty minutes. So if Mike had equipment problems, he could have overcome them easily by switching things up. Mike's response is, "Whatever, whatever. What're you gonna do?" Tom is not impressed.
Robin starts out by taking a dig at Mike by saying that she always serves protein, then talks about all the things she did that she had never done before, and then she just rants and raves about a million miles per hour. Tom tells her that she's all over the map and her dish never gelled. Gail thought her sauce was too strong and Tom asks what happened to the garbanzo beans. Robin has no excuse.
Padma tells Jen that she didn't see two hours of prep on Jen's plate, and Tom adds that it felt like a side dish. Jen tries to joke about it, but has to admit how nervous she was while doing the sauce, and apologizes for getting it all over the place. Luckily, it comes off as endearing more than creepy or unprofessional. Tom points out that Jen's performance has started to really suffer of late, and Jen says (but not that strongly) that she hopes to return another day and prove her worth.
Back in the Stew Room, Mike offers up more platitudes like "Whatever, whatever" and "it is what it is." Robin points out that even a small mistake can be fatal at this point. The judges talk about how real-world this challenge was. Padma is disappointed in Jen, with her experience, serving up a garnish as a dish, and Natalie is surprised at how defeatist Jen was when they talked. Tom thinks Jen is starting to fall apart. They move on to Mike, and Tom says that leeks aren't that hard to cook. Gail points out that Mike seemed arrogant and didn't seem to feel that he could possibly go home, when actually, it's a very real possibility. Natalie adds that not only were the leeks bad, but the rest of the dish was not great. Back in the Stew Room, Mike continues to make lame excuses to everyone else.
When discussing Robin's dish, Padma says that there was no overall concept. Tom thinks she just got excited about all of the elements but didn't think about how they would all fit together. Natalie is surprised that Robin decided to try two things for the first time during competition, and the other judges agree.
The judges call the bottom three back in to face the music. Tom says that the cheftestants got a curveball with Natalie being a vegetarian. They still can't understand why Mike couldn't cook leeks in two hours. Robin's dish was unbalanced. Jen is falling apart, and served up a garnish as an entrée. Padma finally tells Mike I. to pack his knives and go. I'm okay with that, because I haven't liked that dude since day one and I don't think he's nearly as good as he thinks he is. Plus, he's never going to beat out the brothers and Kevin anyway, so whether he goes home this week or , as he would say, "Whatever, whatever."
In his exit interview, Mike says that Robin should have gone home before him, and then he claims that he would send himself home if he were on the bottom. Wait, wasn't he in the bottom early on? Robin interviews that things will be less ugly in the house without Mike there anyway. If Robin doesn't go home week, I don't know what.
Watch Mike I.'s exclusive exit interview video.
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