By Kim
Quickfire Challenge. Guest judge is Scott Conant, chef at Scarpetta. To promote the Superbowl, the chefs have to pick a square that earns them two ingredients, but it's a blind choice. Turns out they all have to work with oats (product placement alert!) and their ingredient. Jamie gets fruit, Leah gets seafood, Fabio gets vegetables, Stefan gets dairy, Hosea gets meat, Carla gets nuts and grains, and Jeff gets poultry. They have forty-five minutes to create a dish with oats and their ingredient. The losers are: Leah, who made an oatmeal-crusted fish, but her fish was overcooked; Fabio, who made oat-crusted eggplant that was too oatmeally; and Jeff, who did an oatmeal-crusted chicken that was too heavy and his presentation was monochromatic. The top two are Carla, with a pecan and oat-crusted tofu with a lentil salad and Jamie, with a coconut and oatmeal-crusted shrimp with nectarines and avocado crème fraiche. The winner is Stefan, with a banana mousse with oats and two oat-almond petit fours, making him a five-time challenge winner. He doesn't get immunity, but he does get an advantage in the challenge.
Elimination Challenge. The cheftestants are given jerseys and then introduced to their opponents -- former cheftestants S4 Andrew, S2 Josie, S1 Andrea, S4 Spike, S3 Camille, S4 Nikki, and S1 Miguel. They will have twenty minutes to create a regional dish based on an NFL team, and will be cooking in front of an audience of culinary students. The ingredients have been pre-chosen based on the city, so there's no shopping to be done.
They have two hours to test out their ingredients and cooking styles, and can do some prep, but they're not allowed to pre-cook anything. Only raw ingredients can be brought to the competition. On the day of, we learn that after the competitors cook head-to-head, the judges will award seven points to one chef, and the fan tasters will award three points to one chef. Anyone from the home team (current season's cheftestants) that loses will be eligible for elimination. The team with the highest cumulative score wins.
New York Giants: Leah vs. Nikki. Leah earns seven points with a seared strip steak and Nikki earns three points with chicken livers.
Seattle Seahawks: Hosea vs. Miguel. Hosea wins all ten points with a crispy salmon roll.
New Orleans Saints: Carla vs. Andrew. Carla wins the first unanimous judges' decision with her crawfish gumbo for seven points, but Andrew takes three points with his crawfish crudo.
Dallas Cowboys: Stefan vs. Andrea. The judges are split, so the fans get to make the decision and they vote for Andrea's Tex-Mex chili and she gets the full ten points. Stefan gets knocked down a few pegs, for sure. ["Especially since he picked to go against Andrea thinking she'd be easy to beat. Love it." -- Angel]
San Francisco 49ers: Jamie vs. Camille. The judges are split again, but the fans choose Jamie this time for her crab cioppino, and she earns all ten points.
Miami Dolphins: Jeff vs. Josie. They both make a rock shrimp ceviche, and the judges and the fans like it better, so Josie gets all ten points.
Green Bay Packers: Fabio vs. Spike. The score is 34 to 26, so Spike has to get all ten points for his team to win. Spike wins the seven points from the judges but Fabio gets the three points from the fans, so the current season's cheftestants win.
Carla, Hosea, Leah, and Jamie are called back in as winners, since they won their head-to-head competitions. The judges have nice things to say about each of their dishes, but Carla wins, and gets two tickets to the Super Bowl. ["And her eyes literally pop out of her head." -- AC] Fabio, Stefan, and Jeff are sent in as the losers. Fabio makes excuses for why his meat was overcooked. Stefan didn't use the strong flavors that Texas deserved. Jeff gets kind of snobby and can't understand why they liked Josie's dish better, when his was so much more difficult to make. The judges don't agree that his dish was more difficult, and Jeff is eliminated. Jeff's inability to keep it simple is his downfall.
The producers managed to slip at least three product placements into the first five seconds of footage, so applause there, guys. Look, I get that networks have to make money; frankly, the more money Bravo makes, the more secure my gig is, so it's in my self-interest to hope they do well. That said, there's product placement that doesn't interfere with the program but still puts the product in a good light, and then there's product placement that makes the show feel like an infomercial. And we're about to see some of the latter. Carla makes some oatmeal (spoiler alert!) as she muses to the camera that she dodged a bullet in the last challenge, and she hasn't really shown off her classical training, since she's been making desserts in almost every challenge.
I bet you've been wondering what's going on with the Leah/Hosea relationship. No? You weren't wondering? Too bad, because it's time for an update. Leah interviews that she and Hosea kissed, and she regrets it, and she's trying to move forward and focus on her cooking. Happily, that's about the last mention of it this week. Over breakfast, Hosea, Leah, Fabio, and Stefan discuss who got the shitstick at Judges' Table. I only mention this because there's a callback later in the episode. Hosea interviews that Stefan is winning a lot of challenges, and Hosea kind of wants to see Stefan taken down a peg, especially since the number of cheftestants is dwindling. And this is a zero-sum game -- Hosea has to hope someone else falls down on the job so that he can step over his or her corpse and rise to the top, especially since the majority of the people left in the competition are at least competent and mostly talented. Or at least have shown they have the ability to win challenges.
Quickfire Challenge. The cheftestants enter the kitchen and find Padma with Scott Conant, who just earned a three-star review from the New York Times for his restaurant Scarpetta. The part that cracks me up is that Padma only holds up two fingers when she says three stars. I wonder how many takes they did before they were like, "Whatever, no one will notice. She kind of stuck her thumb out so we'll count it." Padma explains that, in honor of the Super Bowl, the cheftestants will be completing a challenge based on a grid, like your office pool. Which, by the way, won me zero dollars, so I'm bitter. Anyway, the chefs will pick a square blindly, and then Padma will reveal what ingredient and food group intersect at their chosen square.
Jamie goes first and gets Fruits as her food group. The ingredient will be revealed later. Leah gets Seafood, and Fabio gets Vegetables. Fabio interviews, "I am not excited about vegetables, guys. There is a-no reason to eat vegetable when there is meat and fish around." My husband just fell in love with Fabio. I think they will have a short and artery-clogging life together. Stefan gets Dairy, Hosea gets Meat, Carla gets Nuts and Grain, and Jeff gets Poultry. Padma finally reveals the ingredients for each cheftestant and -- whaaaaa? (Fake shock). They all get product-placed oats! Okay, it was one thing when they had the Dr. Pepper challenge because actually using the ingredient was optional, and only shills like Ariane used it. But now they are required to use it? Blech. And plus, oats. It's not even an interesting ingredient. When you want to use a food to illustrate dull and bland, you use oats. Because none of the cheftestants were actually excited, they had to cut to an interview with Crazy Carla, who's all, "I eat oatmeal all the time! Especially the brand created by our sponsor! OATS! OATS!!!!! I'm practically a horse, I eat so many oats. NEEEIIIIIGGGH! Oh, did I go too far? No such thing? Shameless? Okay, got it." I may be paraphrasing. Oh, how I wish I could have heard the conversation between, say, Jamie and Stefan about the fucking oats.
So anyway, the challenge is to pair oats with their food group, in a "new and surprising way." The winner does not get immunity, but they will have an advantage in the Elimination Challenge to be named later. They get to eat oatmeal to up their strength beforehand? I'm just spitballing here. The challenge begins. Jamie explains that oats and fruit seem obvious, so she's putting a spin on it and doing a coconut-and-oat-crusted shrimp. Hosea is doing wiener schnitzel. Jeff is busy pounding out his chicken breasts with a frying pan, something I do frequently. Sometimes I use a rolling pin, but a frying pan works better. I am surprised they don't have a mallet in the kitchen though. Anyway, there's chopping and whisking and beating and whatnot. Jeff plans to use oats in his main dish, as well as his starch and vegetable, since he clearly still thinks that instead of doing one good dish, it's better to do three that might be good if he had more time and some help, but instead are going to turn out sort of mediocre. Do you think that might be his eventual downfall? Carla interviews that Jeff can't "quiet the creative monkeys." I bet Carla really does believe that there are monkeys in her head. I mean, this is the same woman who talked about love as an ingredient to the point where I think she had a box with a homemade label that said "love" and she sprinkled it over the food.
Stefan has a fully planned dessert dish, but Leah mumbles that she decided to do a crust on some fish, because she didn't know what else to do. Hasn't she made that dish before, but without the oats? I mean, they had forty-five minutes. Pan-seared fish takes like ten minutes. She couldn't use more time to plan? Or get more creative with it? Hosea is way too amused that Leah is making fish yet again, and is having trouble with the pin bones once more. Carla impresses us all with her oat knowledge. Okay, not really, but the girl does know more than anyone but Wilford Brimley should know about oats. Fabio decides to do a fried eggplant coated in oats, and explains that he really needs a win because he's been in the middle a lot. Instead of pulverizing the oats to make powder, Fabio rolls the eggplant in whole oats, which results in a really bulky dish. Jamie interviews that it's a lot of oats. Agreed. Also, the word oats has lost all meaning. Padma calls five minutes and everyone rushes to plate the food.
Time for tasting. Stefan has made banana mousse with oatmeal, and oat-almond petit fours. Scott Conant cracks himself up way too much when he asks if the rose on the plate is edible. I think Scott and Padma were indulging in some Michael Phelps action before the tasting. Fabio made the aforementioned oat-crusted eggplant with a corn and Parmesan salad. Scott giggles and says that it speaks for itself. What does that even mean? Fabio assumes it was bad, and also kind of disrespectful. I can't argue with that.
Carla made pecan-and-oat-crusted tofu with oatmeal and lentil salad. Sounds gross, but it actually looks pretty decent on the plate, if a little brown. She tried to dress it up by including what looked like red peppers and maybe corn in the salad, for some color. The tofu was marinated in some Asian flavor. She's one of the few people who didn't use the oats as a crust. Jamie made coconut-and-oat-crusted shrimp, nectarine salsa, and avocado crème fraiche. Scott clarifies that the crust is just oats and coconut.
Hosea made oat-crusted wiener schnitzel with warm potato salad and mustard sauce. How Germanic of him. No comment from the judges. Leah made oat-crusted branzino and mussels with escarole and bacon. Scott asks for the inspiration on combining escarole and bacon and Leah whines, "I just love bacon?" Good one. Jeff made oat-crusted chicken paillard, grits, and fried zucchini. Everything is coated in oats. Jeff interviews that his presentation wasn't the greatest because everything was kind of brown and oaty, but he appreciated that Scott took multiple bites, indicating that it was good. Or, he was trying to figure out exactly why it was not good, right?
Losers first. Scott thinks Leah's fish was overcooked, and clashed with the bacon. Fabio's oat crust was too heavy, and all you could taste was oats. Jeff's plate was too monochromatic and heavy. But what about the winners? Scott liked how Carla integrated the tofu and the vegetables. Jamie's shrimp was well cooked and he liked the avocado crème fraiche. Stefan had good flavor combinations, and while his dish was simple, it was also good. Hear that, Jeff? And the winner is Stefan, who pretends to be surprised. Stefan interviews that he's won five challenges back to back, and he feels like all the years he's invested into cooking are finally paying off. Hosea laughs that Stefan's head is growing with each win.
Elimination Challenge. Padma tells the cheftestants to head to the Stew Room for a present while she preps the kitchen. I'm so sure Padma lifted a finger to prep the kitchen. Fabio says, "We been told in the Stew Room, there is a present for us. A dog?" Hee. Instead of a dog, they find chef's jackets with their names and the number five on the back. Leah has to be told that the number refers to their season. Jeff says he played football as a kid and he loves it. Hosea guesses that they'll be cooking against the Giants. Yes, because they are well known for their cooking prowess. Eating prowess, perhaps. Leah interviews that she doesn't know any Giants players, but she knows Tom Brady, because he's hot. Ugh. She just gave women a bad name. Also, Tom Brady? Not that cute.
Having donned their new jackets, the cheftestants return to the kitchen to find a variety of football helmets from different NFL teams set out, to bins of food. Fabio thinks the challenge will be to cook something, but he wishes his challenge would be to put a helmet on and knock someone off. Isn't Fabio miniature-sized? I think the only person he might be able to take is Leah. Padma announces that this is Top Chef Bowl, and introduces their opponents. A bunch of former contestants come bursting through a piece of paper in the doorway, hooting and hollering. Carla refers to them as "past season All-Stars" but dude, hardly. She's particularly excited to see Andrew, because she lurrrrrves him.
So the former contestants are S4 Andrew, S2 Josie, S1 Andrea, S4 Spike, S3 Camille (Who? No, seriously. Who?), S4 Nikki, and S1 Miguel. Jamie admits that she was a little intimidated, because she recognized them from television. I don't think she should be intimidated. This group is hardly the cream of the crop. More like the middle of the crop. The best finish among them was Andrew, who made the top five. None of them made it to finals, so almost all of this season's cheftestants will finish higher than this "All-Star" team. I get that it may be tough to convince the higher finishers to come back, because they are busy actually, you know, cooking, or may not be local. But let's not call them All-Stars.
Padma explains that each cheftestant will compete head to head against a former cheftestant, and they will be assigned a city/NFL team, and must cook regional cuisine. Padma is way over enthusiastic in this segment. I don't know what's up with that, but she's like "So Stefan. AAAAAAAASSSSS the winner of the QUUUIIIIIICKFIIIIIRE challenge, YOOOOOOOU'LLLL be able to choose which NFL team's food you'll be making AAAAAAAAAAND! Which chef on the opposition team you'll be cooking against." Weird. Stefan gets to choose his opponent, and then the rest of them pick a team and then find out their opponent based on that. Fabio explains that he knows nothing about any of the cities, so he took the one that no one else wanted, which was Green Bay. So here are the matchups:
Stefan vs. Andrea cooking Dallas Cowboys (Fabio thinks he picked her because she only cooks vegetables and she was kicked off early).
Jeff vs. Josie cooking Miami Dolphins.
Fabio vs. Spike cooking Green Bay Packers.
Hosea vs. Miguel cooking Seattle Seahawks.
Leah vs. Nikki cooking New York Giants.
Jamie vs. Camille (seriously, who is she and what is with her eyebrows?) cooking San Francisco 49ers.
Carla vs. Andrew cooking New Orleans Saints.
Padma explains that they will have twenty minutes, cooking head-to-head, in front of a crowd of culinary students. Anyone who loses his or her (Padma! His or her, not their) head-to-head will be eligible for elimination. She frees the cheftestants to look over the regional ingredients chosen for their city. It's not really clear if they are limited to only those ingredients or can supplement from the pantry as needed. Jamie explains that she only chose San Francisco because she knew her peeps at home (in San Francisco) would razz her if she didn't, but she really has no idea what to make. I think she caught Leah disease. Notice that they didn't even talk to Camille for Jamie's segment; she's boring. Carla interviews that Jamie is usually very poised, and now she knows how Carla usually feels -- crazed. No, Carla really said that she usually feels crazed. I'm not making that up. I know it seems like I am, but I'm not. She really said it.
Everyone takes to planning and practicing various dishes. Jeff consults with Hosea on the best way to cook shrimp in twenty minutes. Jeff explains that he chose Miami because it's his hometown, while Josie says that she played women's professional football for a while and so she was intrigued by a challenge that combined her two loves: football and food. Jeff points out that Josie grew up and lived in Miami, so it should be an interesting matchup.
Hosea explains that they are only allowed to bring raw ingredients out to the kitchen. So they can prep, dice, chop, slice, or whatever, but all the cooking has to be done in the allotted twenty minutes. Miguel frets over all the pin bones in his salmon. Hosea sees that Miguel is working with cedar planks, which Hosea feels has been done before. Miguel warns the current crop that they won't be able to "outbeat the grandfathers." Articulation and pithiness was never Miguel's strong suit. Actually, I'm not sure what his strong suit was. Identifying junk food in a blind taste test?
Spike is starting to remember how crazy and anxiety-causing the challenges are for him. Fabio is worried that he won't be able to cook venison AND a side dish in twenty minutes. He frets, "That's not coooooking. That's rushing." Welcome to this show? Do they ever have luxurious amounts of time to cook anything, except maybe in the final challenge? Fabio concludes, "I'm a professional chef. There's nothing that can stress me out. If they going to give me a monkey ass to fill with fried banana, I'll come up with something anyway. It's not a problem." Fabio is really obsessed with monkey ass. Was he traumatized by a monkey as a child?
Carla thinks that gumbo is the best dish to represent New Orleans. She may be right, but a twenty-minute gumbo is going to be tough to pull off. Andrew warns the current crop that they have to bring their A-game, or he will stomp them and piss on their bodies. Somebody's trying a little too hard. I don't want someone who's about to serve food to be talking about blood and piss, thanks.
Hosea nearly sets Leah's arm on fire with a flambé. Metaphor for their relationship? Leah explains that New York doesn't have a specific cuisine, since it's such an ethnic melting pot. Nikki explains that she's really competitive. Bleh. Those two are boring.
Stefan and Andrea share a beer, and he teases her about not eating meat. She reveals that she does actually eat meat. They drink their beer out of plastic containers, and then Stefan interviews that Andrea was kicked off her season early (and twice), but she may have learned more technique since her season. You can tell he doesn't really believe that, though.
Weird interstitial. Spike puts on a Green Bay helmet and ties a towel or flag around his neck and bullies Fabio and Jamie. He claims that the show should have ended after his season. Some would argue it should have ended much earlier, dude, so watch where you go with that argument.
Morning of Elimination Challenge. Hosea wakes up early and eats breakfast while reviewing his dish. He explains that he wants his season to win all the challenges, but he mostly wants to make sure he wins his challenge and that his food is good. Fabio and Jeff wake up and Fabio complains, "I'm thirty years old and I still have to sleep in the bunky bed." I'm going to be so sad when Fabio gets eliminated. He makes me laugh. Fabio interviews that his mother is sick, and the money he could get from winning the competition would help with her medical care. Oh, I really thought he was a goner after that one. At least they didn't make him call home.
Carla sits alone and meditates with her eyes closed, except I think she's actually sleeping because you can see her eyes flicking around all REM-like beneath her eyelids. It's pretty creepy. Stefan the loudmouth asks if she's meditating and she's kind enough not to say, "Not anymore, BUTTWEED!" like I probably would. Carla interviews that winning this would give her some momentum and self-confidence. The cheftestants head out to the competition.
The judges (Padma, Toby Young, Scott Conant, and Colicchio) walk out into the demonstration kitchen, which is basically a long counter with two prep areas at either end, facing the audience. And guess who's in the audience? Along with a bunch of rowdy culinary students are the previously eliminated cheftestants from this season! I think they're all there but frankly, I barely remember what the first few eliminated cheftestants looked like. Padma runs down the rules: two cheftestants will cook in each round. The judges will taste both dishes and award one cheftestant with seven points. A panel of five students will also taste both dishes and award three points. The cheftestant with the most points wins, and any losers from the current season will be eligible for elimination.
Round one is New York Giants: Leah vs. Nikki. The eliminated cheftestants from this season, as you'd expect, root loudly for Leah. Unfair advantage! Although I guess otherwise, the students might root for Nikki, since they recognize her from television and they don't know Leah from a hole in the wall. When Leah hears that Nikki is cooking chicken livers, she feels pretty confident that she's got this wrapped up. Nikki prepared chicken livers with onions and goat cheese on challah bread and a wild arugula salad. Leah prepared New York strip steak with creamed corn, sugar snap peas, and arugula salad. When it comes to judging, Padma, Scott, and Colicchio all choose Leah's dish, while Toby chooses Nikki's dish. So Leah wins the seven points! Only two of the five students choose Leah, so Nikki earns three points there. Leah is psyched she's not up for elimination. Score: Home Team has 7 and Visitors have 3.
Round two is Seattle Seahawks: Hosea vs. Miguel. Miguel seems to think he's auditioning for a cooking show as he talks about his food to Padma and the crowd while Hosea concentrates on his food. Hosea interviews that he thinks Miguel is trying to do too much, and Hosea's trying to make a roll that has a piece of medium-rare fish inside, which is difficult. There's some trash talking back and forth, which Hosea definitely wins. Miguel prepared cedar plank salmon with noodles and mushrooms. Hosea prepared a crispy salmon roll with a ginger-blackberry sauce and a sesame-apple salad. Padma, Toby, and Scott choose Hosea while Colicchio chooses Miguel. Is he being contrary or does he pity Miguel? Hosea gets seven points from the judges. And then four out of the five students prefer Hosea, so he gets the three points as well. Score: Home Team has 17 and Visitors have 3.
After an interlude where Josie and Andrew are messing with a live crayfish, round three begins, and it's New Orleans Saints: Carla vs. Andrew. Carla interviews that both Leah and Hosea have won their rounds, so she's feeling the pressure. Andrew immediately starts talking to the crowd with what I assume is supposed to be a Louisiana accent, but it's terrible. I don't have much patience for his antics. Unlike Fabio, who is funny but not a try-hard, Andrew tries too hard and it's just annoying. Carla admits in an interview that she knows nothing about football, but her husband and stepson are fans. Carla tells Padma that she's dicing her peppers quickly, but also putting the love in. Wasn't she allowed to pre-dice her peppers? Maybe she didn't want to, so they'd be super fresh? Who knows? Andrew prepared a crayfish crudo with spicy lime vinaigrette. He explained earlier that crudo means raw. Carla prepared a crawfish (not sure why they spelled it differently for her dish) and andouille gumbo over stone-ground grits. Padma pornily sucks the meat out of the crawfish. All four judges vote for Carla and her facial reactions are priceless, as she earns seven points. Unfortunately, only one out of the five panelists chose her dish, so Andrew gets three there. Score: Home Team has 24 and Visitors have 6.
Round four is Dallas Cowboys: Stefan vs. Andrea. He gives her a kiss on the cheek before they start. Stefan is confident that he will win with his duo of meat salads. Andrea is doing Tex-Mex and says that she's spicing it up because she likes her food like she likes her men. In an interview, Stefan says, "Andrea. I'm in love with you. Call me." I think I'm developing a crush on Stefan. He's such a jerk! But his sense of humor is so dry, and that gets me every time. Plus he has a nice smile. Whatever, it's not like I'll ever meet him, plus I'm married, so let me have this. Andrea prepared Tex-Mex chili with fried corn chips and guacamole coleslaw. I kind of want to eat that right now. I really have to stop writing these at meal times. Stefan made two salads: roast pork with pinto bean coleslaw and New York steak with a corn salad. Padma and Toby choose Andrea while Scott and Colicchio choose Stefan. Now what happens? Dance-off? Way to have an even number of judges in a head-to-head challenge, producers. Padma explains that the panel will award all ten points, and the panel unanimously votes for Andrea. That is some kind of bullshit, especially if Stefan gets eliminated. In an interview, Stefan looks chagrined and hisses, "SSShhhhhhhhhhhit stick!" I told you there would be a callback. Stefan goes backstage and has to tell his teammates that Andrea earned all ten points. No one believes him, which is kind of hilarious. Stefan interviews that he got "beat by the fucking nuts and grains and grass girl." Hosea is not unhappy about this turn of events, mostly because Stefan likes to sit around and tell stories about how he won each challenge. That reminds me of my brother-in-law, who will soundly beat me in cards and then, hours later, want to go over, play by play, how he did it. No, thank you. Over in his area, Andrew puts on a German accent and makes fun of Stefan, even though he's not German. Try-hard. Score: Home Team still has 24 and Visitors have 16.
Round five is San Francisco 49ers: Jamie vs. Camille (who?). Jamie admits in an interview that she doesn't know if her dish is good enough and she doesn't want to let the team down. Jamie listens to Camille's plans and then interviews that she would never put those flavors together (mustard, miso, crab, and sweet potatoes). I kind of have to agree, especially the mustard with the crab and sweet potatoes. Camille prepared a miso sweet potato mash with mustard crab meat and salad. Jamie prepared crab cioppino with olives, basil, and toasted sourdough. Padma and Toby like Jamie's dish, but Scott and Colicchio like Camille, so it's once again to the panel. This time it's unanimously for Jamie, so she gets all ten points. I still think that's horseshit. Camille is like, "Fame! I'm gonna live forever! Baby, remember my name!" No problem, Camille. I totally won't. Score: Home Team 34 and Visitors 16.
Round six is Miami Dolphins: Jeff vs. Josie. They're both making ceviche and Jeff denigrates Josie for serving it hot. Everything I know about ceviche comes from watching this show, so I looked up some shrimp ceviche recipes and most of them agree with Jeff and refrigerate the dish. Jeff also makes fun of Josie's plating style, because she just slops food onto the plate. He is such a snob. He seems talented, but maybe he should keep his eyes on his own paper. Josie prepared warm rock shrimp ceviche with papaya. Jeff prepared a rock shrimp ceviche with sangria sorbet. Sounds simple, but he has many more ingredients involved, including jicama and cilantro. Padma chooses Jeff, but the rest of the judges go with Josie. Colicchio says Josie's is more authentic. In reading his official blog, it sounds like Colicchio was upset that Jeff pre-cooked the shrimp, since ceviche is traditionally supposed to be cooked by the citrus juices. But in my research (and in Gail's blog), it says that's only true of fish, and shellfish are traditionally pre-cooked unless they are incredibly fresh, to avoid bacteria. So that seems like kind of a bullshit reason to not choose Jeff's dish. Jeff seems offended, and the fans also choose Josie, so even if there were a tie with the judges, Jeff would have lost. Backstage, Jeff complains that he was told his dish was too complex, and he interviews that he would have been embarrassed to serve Josie's dish. Does he understand that he comes off like a dickhole when he says things like that? I bet he's a great chef in his own environment, but he doesn't react well to the constraints of the competition. Score: Home Team 34 and Visitors 26.
Round seven is Green Bay Packers: Fabio vs. Spike. Fabio knows that if he loses all ten points, his team loses the competition. While cooking, Fabio cracks jokes and charms the audience. It takes a lot of personality to out-personality Spike, so this is a good matchup under those terms. Fabio admits that he was worried, while plating, that his venison was overcooked. Spike prepared five-spice venison with a port reduction and micro herb salad. Fabio prepared venison with mustard sauce and mache salad with cheddar. Both Colicchio and Scott comment on how overcooked Fabio's venison was. Padma goes with Fabio but the other three go with Spike, so he gets the seven points. So now it all comes down to the fans, and four out of five choose Fabio. In an interview, I think Fabio just flipped off the camera, and it made it past the censors, because he did it Italian-style instead of American-style. Final score: Home Team has 37 and Visitors have 33. Padma congratulates the home team but reminds them that one of them will still be eliminated. The team overall is celebratory, but Jeff, Stefan, and Fabio are subdued because they know that one of them is going home. Why can't it be Leah? WHYYYYY?
That night (?), the cheftestants head to the Stew Room. Leah is Valley Girling it up to Stefan: "I can't believe? That you lost to Andrea? Honestly? I'm, like, really surprised by that?" She grates. Hosea interviews that Stefan, Fabio, and Jeff are all great cooks, so eliminating one of them makes his own chances better. I am so glad that the cheftestants don't vote each other out on this show. That would be horrible. Padma asks for Hosea, Carla, Leah, and Jamie. The ladies are all wearing headbands for some odd reason. Like down over their foreheads, Olivia Newton-John style. Can I mention that, due to the graphic design of the cover to the Grease album, for years I thought that the stars were named Olivia and Newton-John? I was not too bright.
Judge's Table. Padma and Tom congratulate the group for winning their individual challenges and also putting their team on top. Toby tells Carla that he thought her flavors were authentic to New Orleans, and he tasted the love. She couldn't be happier that he said that. Well, she could be happier, as we'll find out shortly. Colicchio also has nothing but praise for Carla's smart and flavorful gumbo. Hosea was going for unique but also reminiscent of Seattle. Colicchio is impressed that Hosea cooked an eggroll but kept the salmon inside rare and moist. Jamie says that she knew she had to use sourdough to represent San Francisco. Toby enjoyed being able to use the sourdough to scoop up his dish, and Colicchio thought it was one of the stronger dishes of the night, even though she didn't win her match. Scott Conant tells her that he enjoys watching her cook, and she extracts good flavors from her food. That's a huge compliment. I think he and Stefan could form the "Chasing Jamie" fan club. Wow. I can't believe this is the first time this season I've made a Chasing Amy joke. I'm falling down on the job. Leah wanted simple with good flavors, and Colicchio tells her that she accomplished that. Scott Conant gets to announce that the winner is Carla. Her reaction is AWESOME! I can't even describe it in words. If you didn't see it, go find it on Bravo's site or whatever, because it really is worth seeking out. And it gets even better when she finds out that she won two tickets to the Super Bowl. She freaks out and hoots and hollers and grins and it's a joy to watch. Even the judges are grinning. Her happiness is infectious.
Padma asks them to send in the boys. Jeff, Fabio, and Stefan head to Judges' Table. Did you ever notice that every time the cheftestants walk in to Judges' Table, the editors put in a shot of Toby Young looking stern? I don't know what that's about. Padma asks Fabio to defend his dish first. Fabio knows that when the judges tasted his meat, it was overcooked. He claims that the meat was fine when he sliced it, but he put it on top of hot cabbage and it kept cooking while it sat as they tasted Spike's dish. Colicchio is dubious that the meat was medium rare at first, though Fabio claims it's true. Scott Conant says that intentions don't matter, because it's all about the end product, trying to get Fabio to admit he made a mistake. Fabio will do no such thing. Scott Conant goes on to criticize the wilted greens and cheese without acid on the plate. Fabio keeps babbling about cheese and acid and Conant shuts him down with, "Please. I'm the judge here, not you. Relax." Ooh, someone is impervious to Fabio's charms. Conant keeps telling Fabio that he failed and it's his own fault. Fabio finally catches his snap and clams up.
Padma moves on to Stefan, who admits that this is his first time on the losing side. Toby thought his dish was uninspired. Colicchio says that Dallas "is a big in-your-face kind of state" (Dallas is a state?) and they were hoping for more flavor out of the dish. Conant points out the irony of Stefan being the only one to choose his opponent and then losing. It's like a black fly in your chardonnay, except that the fly thing is not ironic at all.
Padma asks Jeff for his take on the situation. Jeff says that he first thought of fried food and whatnot for the Super Bowl, but then he saw his ingredients and decided to go for elegant food. And then at the competition, they had plastic plates. NO! Plastic plates? Why did he not stomp right out of there and refuse to serve his ELEGANT food on plastic plates? Jesus, he is tiresome. Get over yourself, dillweed. Colicchio pretty much says that, and Jeff whines that he got beat "by a hot bean ceviche." Colicchio tells Jeff that he lost because his dish wasn't as flavorful, regardless of temperature. Jeff details all of the steps he went through, because apparently this is Top As Complicated As Possible At The Expense of Flavor and not Top Chef. I promise I'll stop making that joke soon. Couldn't resist. Toby Young thought Josie's dish had more authentic flavors, and Jeff says he can't argue with it if they think he got beat. Colicchio tells Jeff that his dish was "a very watered-down version of ceviche." Boom! Roasted!
The cheftestants are excused so the judges can deliberate. Colicchio muses that those are three of the strongest cheftestants remaining. Conant thinks Stefan's salad was a disaster and Padma calls it abominable. But Conant voted for Stefan, so did he think Andrea's food was worse? They move on to Fabio. Toby Young thinks Fabio had the toughest challenge, because Wisconsin food is going to be difficult. Conant points out that Fabio chose it (which he really didn't -- he took what was left because he didn't know what the eff), and that he should have concentrated his flavors more and cooked his venison properly. I do wonder if they gave the foreigners a tutorial on the states they chose. When discussing Jeff, Colicchio brings up his pre-cooked shrimp argument, which I've already addressed and kind of dismissed. The judges call the cheftestants back, and while Stefan sucks on a lighter and ponders his smoke, Fabio removes his wedding ring and kisses it. Aw.
Colicchio addresses each cheftestant in turn. Jeff gave them "a watered-down version of ceviche." Stefan didn't give them Texas-style strong flavors. Fabio overcooked the venison. Padma tells Jeff to pack his knives and go. Jeff is classy and asks to shake the judges' hands before he leaves. Fabio tells the judges that he appreciates the second chance he's been given. No one really reacts except Padma who gives him a dead-eyed, "Thank you."
In Jeff's exit interview, he says that he thought he doesn't like how he lost, because he thought he had it wrapped up. He assumed Fabio was going, but he's learned that his brain works differently than a lot of chefs, and he's unable to keep it simple when he needs to do so. He does feel that he gave it his best, though he's disappointed in himself since he thought he had what it took to win. Aw, now I kind of feel bad for the old snob.
Kim plots world domination, one domain at a time, at her blog Fresh Hell. You can contact her at reedkim@gmail.com.
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