By Chuck
Colicchio thinks this season boasted the best chefs yet (of course), an announcement he makes in the final minutes, at which point he's said more all night than any of the other judges. Except perhaps for Gail, who talks sense by defending naps during boring meetings and going giggly over her secret crush on a softer, shorts-wearing Andrew. Speaking of, and backing up, tonight it's all about the cheftestants -- food be damned, it's finally time for personality.
Well, sort of -- Richard's personality doesn't show up, since his wife is about to give birth, and since he came in third. Otherwise, it's old home week, with everyone nattily attired in matching separates, as Stephanie relives her win and a few bromances get the montage treatment. Despite his douchery and overt game-playing, folks liked Spike. Jen and Zoi are pissed they lost, pissed they suffered a disadvantage as a dyke couple, pissed they were on the show together. They are not currently discussing their relationship, and may or may not have gotten married this week.
Antonia, complete with a creepy Robert Blake from Lost Highway dance, earned the nickname "Black Hammer" for her uncanny ability to eliminate the competition. Lisa's not reallya bitch -- she just played one on TV, and if you ask her about it at a lesbian party, she'll be really nice. Dale plays second fiddle to a lot of purple. Andrew's exuberance helps him win the beloved T-shirt contest -- be sure to get your "I Have a Culinary Boner" shirt while supplies last.
Apparently the stew room was filled with mirth and silliness -- too bad there wasn't more of that before tonight. In addition to knocking up his wife and opening a restaurant, Richard apparently found a good agent. His intrusive satellite appearance pretty much hijacks the end of the show. And while Stephanie may be the first competition winner to also take the extra ten grand as fan favorite, it's just not as exciting when good girls finish first.
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The beloved Andy Cohen and his wonky eyes welcome us to the brilliantly-titled "Watch What Happen Reunion" episode, with a montage that hints at all the scandalous, scintillating, edge-of-your seat moments that will never come, capped off with the revelation of this season's fan favorite. Oh, goody. It's the usual reunion show set up, with two tiers of seating for the cheftestants (bright orange sofas offer a burst of color) four chairs opposite for the judges (big chairs that make the judges look like four Edith Anns) and everyone's favorite interlocutor, also perched on a large chair, between the groups.
In case amnesia's struck in the past few days, Andy introduces the judges -- Gail Simmons (in a pleated cobalt blouse), Colicchio ("in a vest!" chirps Andy), Padma (in white, ruffle-y dress), and Ted (t-shirt and blazer). Everyone else is wearing subdued shades of blue, purple, and black -- the better to make those couches pop -- except for Nikki, who either didn't get the memo or received a special dispensation for her yellow shift. Spike stuck to the wardrobe cues, but finished his outfit with a maroon fedora. Dale looks a bit ridiculous with his purple shirt, purple shoelaces, and purple-accented baseball cap, which he wears on his knee instead of his head. It's like Donny Osmond mated with Pharrell Williams, and no, it doesn't work.
So many pressing questions, says Andy, and first among them -- where in the world is Richard Blais? Andy calls him "Mister Willie Wonka," as Roald Dahl spins in his grave. Mrs. Wonka is about to drop that new baby, so Richard's staying home so he won't miss the birth of his child. He'll be joining by satellite later. That is so not Top Chef material -- a Top Chef prioritizes cheffing and all its corollary self-promotional activities above all else, and a mere baby shouldn't get in the way. Oh, right, he came in third. And probably realized that an impending birth offered a great excuse to stay home, since he's already milked the Top Chef machine for all it's worth.
In the meantime, let's watch Stephanie ("our first female Top Chef") win. Again. The most interesting moment for me is noticing that Mark has cut his hair and his pale shirt makes him seem even more washed out. Stephanie offers insight into the mind of a winner when she reveals that the moment Padma called her name was "unbelievable," and the she "was, like, fuck," although to her credit, she is answering Andy's moronic "What was it like?" question. Ted tells Stephanie that she was always fun to watch, since she generally looked fearful that she might get killed, that "Padma's going to shoot you with a laser beam or something." (Please, Padma is not energetic enough for that.) And then she'd break out in that high-wattage grin. Pure magic.
Andy wants to know "how shocked" the judges were when Richard copped to choking during the final challenge. Gail wasn't shocked he knew it, but was shocked he said it, and no one else gives a fig. If you do, re-read last week's recap. ! Did Lisa think she was going to win after her final performance? She thought she had a fighting chance, but she's okay losing to Stephanie. Colicchio wonders, with all the fuss about a lady Top Chef, if Stephanie would rather be known as "the winner of season four, or the first female Top Chef." Chef before gender, says Stephanie -- qualifying her win according to her plumbing is demeaning, she implies, since it smacks of sexism and diminishes her talent. Not one to rest on her laurels, she's already using her winnings to open a new restaurant in Chicago. Gail mentions, correctly I think, that "it's going to be a pretty big deal for the hometown girl," and Stephanie mentions that it is in fact kind of strange to be accosted by fans while she's holding her dog's poop bag. So down to earth, that one.
Tony from New Jersey emails about the experiencing of watching oneself on television, and whether any of the cheftestants harbor regrets. Dale immediately offers that he would not have made the nasty-ass butterscotch sauce for his scallops. "We regret that too," quips Padma. Had he made it before? Nope. And probably never again. Jen really regrets using the too-big crouton and the word "phallic" on national television -- she says "it's come back to me a lot," which, in San Francisco's lesbo-gyno-industrial complex, could mean any number of things. Spike brings up the bubble bath he shared with Mark, who explains that at the end of a hard day, all one wants to do is relax in a hot bath with a glass of bubbly. "And a dude," adds Erik. It's all so funny because they're not even gay!
All of this is just a ham-handed segue into a montage of all the bromances: Spike and Mark in the bath, framed by a big red heart. Spike likes Mark's curly hair and soft, full lips. He's confident in his sexuality, and if he wants to get in the bathtub with a dude and make some foamy tower, he will, thank you very much. Dale and Richard, heart frame. In the chez chef kitchen, Dale mentions that "some people" were watching Dale apply lotion, particularly to his nipples, but when we see Dale rubbing lotion on his titties while giving a tongue-out "I'm so sexy" look in the mirror, it's definitely the "unable to turn away from a terrible car crash" kind of watching. Richard compliments Dale's gorgeous nipples, mentions it's been while since he got a topless show but that they have the room to themselves now, and Dale discusses the power of man-cuddling to alleviate loneliness. , Spike, house slut, gets the heart treatment with Andrew. "I'm not gay," says Andrew, "but I'd probably let him bang me," which sums it up nicely and elicits peals of laughter. Funny, I'm gay, and I wouldn't. "Like soldiers trapped on a submarine," says Ted. I've definitely seen that movie.
Mark just got married for a green card so he can stay in America, implies Andy, before moving on to the "one real relationship" of the season (and, as I've said before, the only one they gave much airtime) -- the tumultuous lesbian love fest between Jen and Zoi. It was strange all around, says Jen. Simply living with your lover in a house with fourteen other people is disconcerting, and they both seem to agree that they actively tried not to be supportive of each other, since they were both there to win. Doug from Tampa simply must know how the lesbians feel about Spike's attitude toward them, and Jen tells him that Spike seemed totally down during the filming. She only discovered the awful truth when she watched the show. Andy tries to spin Spike's remark that Jen and Zoi enjoyed an unfair advantage by competing together into homophobia, but Spike explains that he doesn't care who pokes who, but that in an intense situation, having someone you love and trust near you might be helpful.
"I think it was a disadvantage," counters Zoi, and Jen agrees. They both think they'd have done better had their other half not been there. But are they still other halves? Andy brings up salacious Internet rumors about a split, which prompts the maybe-lovers to look at each other awkwardly, hem and haw, and cop to some "bumps" before Zoi explains, "We're not going to discuss it." Oh, seriously, Brangelina Armstrong-Hudson? Because no one gives a shit. Poor Doug from Tampa -- he must be very devastated, and very alone. Spike is Corey from Charleston's favorite Top Cheftestant -- because he loves to play the game. Calculated strategy, or the true essence of your being? Oh, well, I took the competition seriously, but also wanted to have fun, and messing with people's minds is all part of the game, says Spike. Cut to montage of devious Spike, complete with commentary from Antonia and Stephanie. Speaking of, when Stephanie's asked if she thinks Spike's a jerk, she reveals that she "hated him so much" for the first several challenges, but that her experience working with other "cocky assholes" enabled her to like him in the end. A few hands pop up -- led by Erik -- when Andy asks if anyone thinks Spike has a shot at fan favorite. "I might win something after all," chuckles Spike.
Now Andy Cohen wants to talk about nightmares inspired by the stress of Top Chef, but before he makes me talk about them as well, I just want to say how pretty Nimma looks in purple. Formulaic sleeping montage, with plenty of ominous music and wavy fades. Dale buying lamb at Whole Foods and getting home to discover that the two racks they purchased were miniscule. Richard being told he's on the bottom before he even knows what the challenge is -- hey, Richard, your challenge is simply to be the bottom. Spike at Whole Foods with no idea what he's doing, or what the challenge is (see above). Colicchio's demon eyes, and Gail's pronouncement that the hot chocolate Jen's about to serve won't be as good as what she had earlier. Mark showing up for a threesome with Richard and his wife. Nightmare...or fantasy? Mark's personal nightmare is nothing that I wish to repeat, especially since it involves Richard and his wife, and I'm a married man. Gripping stuff. Several people still have nightmares. Oh, look, it's Manuel!
"When you're on Top Chef, do you wake up terrified every morning?" wonders Andy. Hell yes seems to be the general consensus, and despite the fact that almost everyone watched the show before being on it, the actual experience was not at all what they expected. Lisa mentions the anxiety, the stress, and the fact that everything takes a really long time; Ryan mentions the stress that comes from actually cooking for people like Ming Tsai and Daniel Boulud. It's convenient that Ryan finally said something, since it's time for a montage of him acting as the poster boy for folks who "will say anything to sell a bad dish and stay in the competition." Stephanie refers to him as "well-spoken," but it sounds more like he's just filling dead air in an attempt to cover up a lack of talent.
Debbie from Tomball, Texas think last season's Curse of Casey has passed on to Antonia "The Black Hammer." Yes, that's her nickname, and no it's not because she's tight like MC, it's because she demonstrated a knack for eviscerating the competition. In other words, you go up against her, you go home. Yep, there's Nimma, and there's Valerie of Buh-lini, and there's Zoi and her rosemary-swamped mushrooms (as Antonia, sitting atop a cooler, does this wonderful Vishnu meets Robert Blake from Lost Highway arm/face thing). And there's a time card with Antonia's name on the top and the name of anyone she works with who then gets canned. "How did you do that?" wonders Andy, like an idiot. Valerie felt thrown under the bus by The Black Hammer, and some people think Antonia could win fan favorite.
Tiffany D., citizen of the universe, asks about the stew room, or, as Andrew puts it, "the fifth circle of hell," or "the dirtiest, nastiest bar ever with people you may or may not like," which, as the ensuing montage reveals, is sometimes awesome, and sometimes not. It's hot, there's Colicchio with a wig, and Ted with a boom, and anxiety begets giddiness and booze begets drunkenness and that all begets shenanigans (and a didgeridoo!), while the energy is slightly lower at the judges' table, where Padma wants full release, and Gail takes a nap. Judging, you see, and the commensurate stay in the stew room, lasts for hours -- five, six, eight, whatever -- and Gail is a woman who knows how to use her time wisely. Plus, it doesn't look like they've stashed a keg under the table.
Hey, says Andy. Hey! Weren't those judges, like, rilly mean this year? The predictable sequence that follows includes all the standard-issue Top Chef critiques, although there are a couple of gems, as Bourdain reprises "baby vomit with wood chips" and Rocco again likens Ryan to his dense gnocchi. Well, Brett from Boston (the one in Massachusetts, thank you very much), Spike thinks Bourdain is the most difficult judge to impress, a "culinary assassin" with a lethal tongue who can make you question your continued commitment to cooking. I wonder if there might possibly have been a more obvious answer. Andy, content with the trope, moves on to ask if there's anything the cheftestants would like to say to or ask the judges about their comments. Lisa, of course, takes the bait, wondering if the judges really thought her Soviet wedding cake was that ugly. I've heard it referred to as "muffin," but never cake," sister, but whatever blows your skirt up. And yes, it was hideous. Spike wonders how they could have forgiven Richard's salmon scales and sent home Zoi for her mushrooms. "Not everyone had scales on the salmon, but everyone had the mushrooms," replies Colicchio. And he'll stand by every decision he's been involved with, so lay off, man!
But, says Andy, Colicchio wasn't at the table for Dale's controversial elimination, and reveals that he doesn't stand by that decision. Based on his eyes, Lisa screwed up two dishes, and Dale screwed up one. Dale jumps in to take responsibility for his actions, blah blah, but Colicchio's obvious implications are...a perfect opportunity to transition to Lisa and the "deluge" of inquiries they've received about why Lisa is such a sour-looking mega-bitch. Lest we forget, there's a LISA = BITCH montage. Karma's a bitch, too, but it is unfortunate that she's been getting dirty looks in the street, especially since she brainwashed me during the finale. Lisa tells a really interesting story about being approached by two women at a lesbian party. Well, she actually stops the story before it might have gotten interesting, but we'll never know. She quips that she might win an Emmy, since she made for good TV. Now, just because you were on television doesn't mean it's good, Lisa. Bethenny Frankel, the drunk from The Real Housewives of New York City (now that's good television, people) found the time during a busy morning of cocktails to write asking about Lisa's angry face. Sure she did -- why don't you people get that bitch by satellite? Anyway, Lisa claims she is able to accept criticism in the kitchen.
She is also able to throw Andrew under the bus (please say that phrase more times!), although Andrew, who looks cuter now, claims he was disappointed more than angry, since the judges didn't really need Lisa's help to see that Andrew didn't follow the rules. Lisa regrets that she did it, especially since she and Andrew were smoking buddies, and now it's time to talk about Andrew and drugs, because "a lot of viewers" thought he was hopped up on something stronger. Oh, Andrew, A.D.D. doesn't stand for Advanced Dungeons and Dragons, you big silly. The endless montage that follows establishes Andrew as a good kid, an entertaining guy, in an annoying, I like to put shoes on my knees and walk around, always-on Jim Carrey way, a lover of food with a knack for bad visual puns, and a proud "culinary boner" owner, a boner that Colicchio likes to look at. Watch What Happens! Andrew also managed to charm Gail, with whom he shared some flirty moments. Oh, she totally wants him! She blushes, "You always made me smile."
Have you been pining for a T-shirt that reads "I HAVE A CULINARY BONER"? Well, now's your chance, as this season's shirt is unveiled. They should totally make the Project Runway minions design it, just to keep them humble. Spike awkwardly removes his outer layers to reveal a prototype (orange on blue, so it matches the set) and Colicchio awkwardly reads the newest Top Chef catchphrase. These are sure to fly off the shelves. I hope I see someone who's wearing one of these shirts trip and fall. Actually, I'm fairly pleased when I see anyone trip and fall. Could Andrew win fan favorite? The suspense is killing me.
But first, it's fight time, with a rundown of season four's top four: Dale versus Spike in "I Hustled." Lisa versus Dale in "Who Found the Rice?" Lisa versus Andrew in "Calling Me Out Under the Bus." And, at number one: Spike versus Antonia versus Spike versus Jen versus Lisa versus Dale in "The L Word," with special guest star Dale's Crotch. Turns out, as is so often the case, the dude hijacked the lady's fight -- Jen was hopping mad that that Zoi was leaving, and started sparring with Spike, but then Dale had to lash out at Lisa's bad attitude, and he stole her thunder. Turns out the he was mad pissed about not winning that Italian vacation. Actually, though, it was Antonia who started the fight, with Spike, and it was all about soup. Or no soup, really, and it was actually Ming Tsai that started the fight, when he validated Spike's crackhead idea to make soup. That asshole.
Speaking of "asshole," and other colorful language on display during the fight sequences, Andy tells the gang that plenty of viewers wrote in to reprimand the cheftestants for their potty mouths. One enlightened viewer wouldn't want any of these folks preparing his or her food based on their foul talkery. I am guessing this individual must not eat out very often. "The women are like drunken sailors on leave," writes someone (names and hometowns omitted to protect the prudish), which elicits guffaws from the men, who are like ballerinas before a performance. "Let's see what the fuck they're talking about," quips Edgy Cohen, launching us into the dirty word montage. Dale admits he's got a problem -- "half the time inappropriate and like five percent retarded." Stephanie suffers from nerve-driven Tourette's, courtesy of mom, and pretty much everyone who made it past the halfway point gets a word in, except for Nikki, who doesn't like to call attention to herself. Come to think of it, she's probably the person who wrote in -- no wonder Andy didn't identify the mystery schoolmarm.
Stephanie blames her mother again and explains that the four letter words just "pop out" when she's trying to express herself. Maybe, she offers, she just doesn't have a good vocabulary. That's the kind of thing that my mother would say, which I think is male cow poo. As for Dale's mother? She was none too pleased by her son's un-churchlike barbs, especially since the church was pulling for Dale en masse. In a convenient display of the strange beliefs religious fervor can engender, Dale says that his mom chooses to believe that Dale was forced to speak the way he did, perhaps with a radio controlled voice box, by the mysterious powers of television. That's his story and he's sticking to it. Padma mentions that the cheftestants were very well-behaved at judges' table, so she was surprised to see all the behind-the-scenes antics when the show aired. Jen tries to make some point about how athletes curse like crazy off the field, until Colicchio clarifies that he's referring specifically to the interview portions. Not surprisingly, Padma doesn't really take part in the following conversation -- er, lecture -- in which Colicchio encourages them to give some thought as to the way they want to present themselves to an adoring public via the media.
Just when you thought it couldn't get any more annoying, it's time for Richard to join by satellite! Well, almost -- first it's time for Richard's "our own Willie Wonka's" retrospective montage, and there he is tinkering with his smoker, and talking about how awesome he is, and how to confuse tofu, and doing a bunch of stuff we've already seen while a few of the others talk about just how wild and wacky he is, and how a lot of what he's making doesn't sound very good. Funny, he beat all of them. And there he is! On a monitor from Atlanta, awaiting the arrival of the Little Blaisette, the notion of whom made many a stomach turn for the second time when they replay his remark that working with children made him want to make babies.
Oh, goodness, Little Blaisette really is almost here -- she endured a false alarm last night, so she's expected at any moment. Fine -- you can stay home. Which also happens to be the name of the new restaurant he recently opened, which, says Richard, is currently experiencing growing pains. Opening it was much like having a baby. Richard admits he's tired, and he looks it. Man's definitely been busy. But what Andy really wants to talk about is Richard's forbidden love for Dale, and Richard delivers the goods by admitting (only after it's confirmed that he actually said it once already) that yes, Dale does have "gorgeous nipples."
So, Richard, what the hell happened to you, asks Andy, since many people thought this was your Top Chef to win? Well, I'm not a woman, despite what some people may think, explains Richard, and goes on to discuss the fact that he "overthought" as opposed to relaxing, being creative, and following his instinct. Colicchio wanders deeper into the retread, offering Richard the backhanded compliment that it was his competition to lose before rehashing the "choking" conversation from judges' table. I don't care to learn more about that, so let's move along to the baby gift that Andy wants Richard to hold up for the camera. Unfortunately, it's not a pint-size "I HAVE A CULINARY BONER" T-shirt, but an innocuous Top Chef onesie. Richard hopes they have one in his size, which would be quite flattering. Don't go away, warns Andy, or you'll miss the fan favorite award! The suspense is...endless.
OH MY GOD IT TOTALLY IS. Now Andy wants to know who everyone thinks might win "the hearts of America and $10,000." Spike thinks it's Stephanie or Andrew. Richard thinks it's Andrew or Mark. Padma is banking on Antonia. Antonia guesses it's someone who made it pretty far along. Nimma interjects, "See, I think it's gonna be me," a cute joke that she totally ruins by helpfully telling us that she's joking. Colicchio thinks Andrew's quirky personality or Stephanie's girl--door qualities might be rewarded, but is pretty sure that Lisa's not going to win, a joke that gets exactly one laugh. From Colicchio. Stephanie's the winner, and she lives up to type by assuring everyone that dinner and drinks are on her. People in Chicago seem to like her, she says, and gee willikers! What a big, huge surprise. This marks the first time that the Top Chef competition winner also won fan favorite, so, uh, write it down on a list somewhere.
Well, clearly everyone loves Stephanie, and there's a montage to prove it. She's a great chef and she's nice. She seems like a great to person to have a drink and a good meal with, but the sum of her clips doesn't exactly pop on television. That might change soon, though, since she answers "no" to Andy's question: "You've won the title, you've won fan favorite. Can you ever doubt yourself again?" That sounds to me like a one-way ticket to Bitchville. Really, though, she's just more confident now and she's excited to get back to cooking. And finally, just to drag it out a little longer, Andy wants some advice from the cheftestants for those who might be aspiring to join the fifth season, which has already started filming, no doubt. Erik suggests they "run the other way," and I believe him. He also suggests practicing plating skills, while Jen recommends managing stress. Antonia thinks they should pay attention to the rules, and Stephanie thinks they shouldn't pay attention to the drama. Dale says, "Have a vision." Valerie advises, "Have fun!" Richard wants them to banish fear and just go for it. Colicchio agrees with Andy's prompt that this group represents the best chefs ever to grace a Top Chef kitchen. And on top of that, Colicchio really, really loves getting to know all of the cheftestants as individual people. Except for Mark, who he hates.
It's over! It's over! Thanks for enduring the season with me, and have a great summer.
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