By Keckler
Dude. Man, I justâ¦dude. This episode started off in the normal way -- the long, involved Quickfire that, come to think of it, isn't really so long and involved, it just feels that way when I recap it -- but it ended with tears, screams, and potentially racial epithets, which weren't exactly Michael Richards but still sort of shocking. Of course, given that it was Mia spewing them, they probably weren't racist, they just sounded really bad, and I'm not even completely sure I know what they mean.Regroup. Tonight's Quickfire appears to be sponsored by Bailey's, for which the cheftestants have to create "original" Bailey's cocktails and an accompanying snack. Mia and Betty end up on the bottom, Mia for her pedestrian glassing of her cocktail (do you think I can use that word? The mixologist's answer to "plating"?) and Betty for curdling the dairy in hers. It really did look chunky enough to make anyone blow, well, chunks. Methinks the cream could hear Betty's voice and acted accordingly. Sam and Michael make it into the top three, but Cliff wins the Quickfire with a tasty combo of beef, nutmeg, and dark chocolate (that's the snack, not the drink. Althoughâ¦) and a nice glass of Bailey's, rum, vodka, and vanilla bean.
The Elimination Challenge has the cheftestants dividing into two teams (again) and catering a Hollywood event for two hundred people. The teams take totally opposite approaches, with one team making about thirteen hors d'oeuvres and the other banging out about four. Team Famine can't keep food on the table, but when they do, it appears to taste above average. Team Feast keeps their table groaning but maybe fell short of truly excellent food. However, Team Feast wins, and since Son of Sam emerged as the team leader (something that Marcel bitchily, BITCHILY tries to override), he's the ultimate winner and gets to take home a big ol' basket of Global knives as a door prize.
Team Famine is brought before the judges, and since Cliff got immunity, he's safe. Elia, Mia, and Michael are on the butcher's block. Elia was the team leader, so she's in serious jeopardy for not bringing her team together. Cliff, however, refuses to let this happen and throws Mia under Top Chef's popular, proverbial, and increasingly bloodthirsty bus. At this, Mia lets loose with all sorts of name-calling. She tells him to put his dick away. She tells him she "doesn't give a black bone"! I have no idea what that means, but it sounds really, really bad. She completely and entirely loses it. In the back, during deliberation, Mia keeps losing it, talking about how she's the only one in her family to make it and how she once sold crack on the street to feed her family. In the middle of this -- which is making Elia cry and Betty eye-bug more than usual -- Cliff tells Mia to stop being a martyr. DAMN!
In front of the judges, Padmadala is JUST about to announce their decision when Mia dramatically stops them and says she can't let Elia go home (it's not at all clear Elia was the one they were sending home, by the way) so she's going home herself. After some back and forth about Colicchio refusing to believe Mia's a quitter, the judges accept Mia's tear-stained culinary suicide.
In the back, Mia tells everyone that she did it all for the love of Elia. I'm emotionally drained, but I'm not telling you whether it's from laughing or crying.
So, watching the previews that got tagged onto the end of last week's episode, which Bravo aired right before the current episode, I see what people are saying about what happened to Cliff yelling at Elia in the Krapmore Kitchens. I think if Mia hadn't sacrificed herself, we would have seen a show during which Elia was seen to be at odds with her team, possibly making the decision that cost them the challenge: cooking during the event, rather than before. Whoever's behind Bravo's subsequentlies is clearly asleep at the wheel since that is not the episode we were given.
Of course, all of what did end up happening in the episode we got means that if Elia does win the whole thing -- and I really, really want her to win -- it will all be because of Mia's sacrifice.
Morning. Marcel reflects on Frank's departure, "I know I'm going to start sleeping a lot better, considering he's not going to be snoring in my room." Forget the snoring, Marcel, you no longer have to sleep with one eye open because you're afraid you'll wake up in a meat grinder. "Check that out, baby!" Michael commands and lifts his towel up to show off an expanse of sunburned flesh. Elia does more yoga. Son of Sam mutters to the camera that when Frank grabbed him goodbye last week, he broke his knife roll. Random. Mia, getting the loser cut early on, tells us how much she misses her family.
Krapmore Kitchens. The cheftestants file in, and Betty makes loudly obnoxious happy noises. She tells us, "We show up at the kitchen for our Quickfire challenge and there's LOADS OF BOOZE!" I just really want her to shut up. Like, forever. Bottles of Bailey's Irish Cream are rowed up, some with pour spouts, some without. Hey, I didn't know there was more than one kind of Bailey's these days! It looks like there's a mint-chocolate one and a caramel one? I love that the Scots call those kinds of liqueurs "stickies." That's exactly what they are. Padmadala introduces their guest judge, Kristin Woodward, whom she describes as an "award-winning mixologist" from Oysters restaurant in Corona del Mar. Notice how no one's just a bartender anymore? They all have to be "mixologists" or "elixirticians." Actually, there are no elixirticians, but I like the sound of it, so I'm going to coin it. After all, I'm an elixirtician in my own house, and I'm now a published elixirtican. How many elixirticians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Actually, I don't have a good answer to that. Padmadala reminds them that they are still pretending it's not the middle of summer in LA by announcing that the holiday season is all about drinking and eating and partying. For the Quickfire, they must create an "original Bailey's cocktail" along with a "small snack or bite to accompany it." So... like an amuse bouche? Cliff's all, "I'm a cook, not a bartender" to us. The cheftestants have twenty minutes.
During the ensuing Food Flurry, Mia bitches that the Quickfire is bogus because she doesn't drink mixed drinks. I'll bet she does after the Elimination. Ted Ilan says defiantly that he "sort of deviates from a Christmas theme because [he's] never celebrated Christmas in [his] life." Wait, why's he feeling all oppressed? Padmadala never specified Christmas, she said "holiday season." Ted Ilan goes on, "I make a Hanukkah snack." And yes, he uses matzoh. Throughout the Food Flurry and Beverage Barrage, we can unfortunately hear Betty squawking and shrilling at various things. Michael calls out, "Ten minutes," as he powers up a stand-up mixer filled with heavy cream. Michael tells us that he has such a strong bartending background that everyone back home will make fun of him if he doesn't win. Of course Michael has been a bartender. Of course. Suffering sassafras, is he pouring a can of Guinness into that cream? That's totally awesome. I'm going to try it at home, oh yes I am. Padmadala tells them they have five minutes as someone plates some adorably wee ice cream sandwiches. Oh, for goodness -- what is Marcel doing? He's got Betty's favorite crème brûlée torch and he's heating up black wormy objects in a double shot glass. Padmadala calls out, "Hands up, utensils down." Betty dramatically raises her arms high above her head.
Padmadala and the mixologist start with Michael, who presents his "Tasty Lacy." Now, I realize I've slammed Mia and Betty for giving their dishes cutesy-poo names, but with Michael's bartending background, this could be a real drink. Or he named it for his wife. Or her panties. I mean, there's cream. The Tasty Lacy is in a Heath Bar or Skor-rimmed glass (Michael loves rimmers) and made up of caramel Bailey's, Bushmills, White Godiva liqueur, and Guinness foam. His accompanying treats are the mini ice cream sandwiches I was drooling over earlier. He describes them as, "Like a cherry ice cream sandwich, with cookie. Tried to make a little Christmas color in there." In one of this show's odder moments, the mixologist judge doesn't pick up the glass and drink. She spoons the cocktail up. With a spoon.
Cliff made a cocktail with original Bailey's, rum, vodka, and vanilla bean. It looks like he might have toasted marshmallows floating on top as well. Mixologist actually picks up the drink this time. Cliff's snack is grilled beef and a crème fraîche fondue (meaning "sauce" in this instance) with nutmeg and dark chocolate shavings. He's placed it all on a sesame wafer. Mixologist says, "I was kinda hoping someone would do a burger and a Bailey's shake." Ooh, they have those adult shakes at Town Talk Diner in Minneapolis. Yum. There's this one called Monkey Business that has chocolate, banana, peanut butter, and bourbon and another called Karmel Kamelion with cider reduction, caramel, pecans, and applejack brandy. time I'm home, I'm so trying their Irish Float with Guinness and vanilla ice cream. Sam did a Bailey's hot chocolate flavored with Godiva liqueur and ice cream, accompanied by eggnog French toast topped with sautéed apple, rosemary, and onions. Marcel got all molecular gastronomical on this challenge and made something he calls, "Fire and Smoke." It's a trio. I like how Bravo's graphics department has decided that what Marcel really meant was "Smoke and Fire." It's nice they're there to help the cheftestants know their own mind. He's got a shot of scotch, a glass demitasse cup of coffee and Bailey's, and the snack. The snack is pancetta, potato, and coffee grinds. Huh. I usually throw my coffee grinds away. I'll know better time. Marcel's snack is also described as "with vanilla vapor." Oh, yes. See, that wormy thing we saw getting brûléed earlier was vanilla bean, and the snack is balanced on the mouth of the vanilla bean-filled double-shot glass where it is getting vaporized by the smoking bean. You know, I used to think pancetta plus anything was heaven. But I might draw the line at vanilla potatoes and coffee grinds. Mixologist likes the salty and the sweet.
Ted Ilan made a cocktail with Bailey's, Guinness-whipped egg whites, and scotch. His snack is a maztoh pancake topped with horseradish, beets, and a pan-fried egg yolk. Mixologist eats without giving an opinion. Mia presents her cocktail that she has named, "Chocolate Mama." Because... that's what she is? It's chocolate-mint Baileys, Crown Royal, and orange juice. NASTY! Chocolate-mint and orange juice? Could she have made a drink that tastes more like shaken-not-stirred sick? I guess the Chocolate Mama saves you the trouble of getting drunk, having head spins, and hurling all night. It just does an end run and takes you straight to the vomit. I'm doing a full-body shudder over here. Mia's snack is a Danish apple crisp topped with limp slaps of grilled mango and Brie. "It's a pretty basic presentation for your drink," Mixologist says. Mia's drink is in a water glass, filled halfway with the Sick, and garnished with an orange slice. Going from nausea to nirvana, we see that Elia has made a caramel Baileys cappuccino with ginger and a chocolate and caramelized nut petit fours (small fancy cakes or cookies).
Oh, but don't put away your Pepto quite yet, because we need to see what Betty's been up to. Batting her huge eyes and flapping her even huger teeth, she tells Mixologist, "I took the Parrot Bay Rum and I mixed it with fresh lime and sugar and then I did a float with heavy cream, caramel Baileys, and some cinnamon." GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSS! Okay, like Malibu Rum, Parrot Bay is coconut flavored, so if she had only left out the disgusting lime juice, she would have had a flavor profile of coconut, cream, caramel, and cinnamon, which wouldn't have been bad at all. It might even have been quite tasty, even if it was a Betty creation. But why she felt the need to tart the thing up with acidic lime juice is beyond me. I think this proves Betty is truly insane, because even if she could cry ignorance about how cream and lime juice might react -- and no one that stupid should be allowed to own a restaurant -- what on God's green ass made her think that lime juice, cinnamon, and caramel Baileys was EVER going to taste good? The fact that she's not a bartender or maybe not even someone who drinks very much, that's not the issue here. The issue is that someone who is supposedly a chef thought the combination of those ingredients would not be making people heave early and often. I mean, the drink has this... scum floating on its surface, because the lime juice has definitely done its job to the cream. Or Betty's voice did. Should I even bother mentioning that Betty's snack is Parrot Bay-marinated seared scallops? The scallop is skewered on a cinnamon stick, which again, is very bizarre. And gross. And vomitous. Mixologist is awesome in the face of Betty's Vomit on the Beach, "I gotta tell you, I'm a little afraid to taste this cocktail because the cream and the lime juice made a curdled crust on top." "Oh," Betty says expressively. Because she WAS ONCE AN ACTRESS. "I mean maybe it tastes good but," Mixologist says, lifting a spoonful to her mouth, "But it doesn't." Cue Betty's face avalanching. "Okay," she says and then stagily makes a big "oops" face for the benefit of the hungry cameras. In her Chow interview, Mia called what was floating on Betty's drink "a raft." As in, what is used to clarify consommé from impurities.
When Padmadala reassembles the cheftestants together, Mixologist says that Mia and Betty were at the bottom of the rum barrel. We're treated to Mia telling us she's getting sick of the whole damn competition and she just wants to go home. Ask and you shall do it yourself. Mixologist's top picks are Cliff, Sam, and Michael. Cliff wins the Immunity. Aw, poor bartending Michael. , the cheftestants draw knives to divide up into two teams. Forget the Orange and Black designations, I already decided to call these teams Feast and Famine in my recaplet, so I'm sticking with that. Padmadala keeps pretending it's the holiday party season and says the Elimination challenge is to cater Los Angeles Magazine's Christmas Bash. They have fifteen hundred dollars for food and equipment and four hours to prep. They have to prepare "a fabulous cocktail party display" for the two hundred attending guests. Betty sighs to us that this challenge is one that "does threaten [her] livelihood" because it's a catered event for people she regularly has as catering clients. I think that Slow Comfortable Retch of hers threatens her livelihood.
Ted Ilan nestles up to Betty, who babytalks, "I'm glad I'm on a team with youuuu." Ted Ilan says to Betty, "I think we should just agree that Sam is our organizer." Betty agrees. Ted Ilan leaps over to where Marcel and Sam are and says, "Marcel? I think we can all agree that Sam is our organizing leader." Marcel looks a bit annoyed by this but agrees, "Sounds good to me." And as his first act as Team Feast leader, Son of Sam addresses Betty and Marcel, saying, "You guys have to get over your little... " They both agree. HA! Nice one. Too bad I still think Son of Sam instigated Toothbrushgate between Frank and Marcel. Son of Sam talks about how being team leader is good and bad. You can come out on top and look awesome or lose the challenge and be blamed for it. He has experience running a kitchen crew of fifteen, so he's up for this.
Team Feast starts making a list of what they should serve, and Betty tells us they ended up with a list of about thirteen items. Betty then drops this bit of intelligence, "We have to throw an LA party, we damn well better offer great food." Because you wouldn't want to offer great food at a party in another location. Team Famine -- comprised of Cliff, Michael, Mia, and headed by Elia -- sounds like they've planned two different things. Mia asks, "Does someone think we should have four different kinds?" No one seems to be saying that. Elia decided they should have "two tops." Mia opines, "If we only have two, they better be fucking kick ass." Everyone agrees. Elia doesn't believe in quantity over quality. Team Famine brainstorms. Smoked salmon rolls and gazpacho are thrown out. Mia trots out the tasty but decidedly tired Gorgonzola-stuffed figs wrapped in prosciutto. Elia doesn't want cheeses. Cliff says, "I'd rather not use Gorgonzola because not everyone likes Gorgonzola." Mia says that particular cheese was just a suggestion. Mia bitches to us that she's a professional caterer who has a lot of valuable experience to bring to the challenge. Huh. Why didn't I ever know she was a caterer? I thought she just owned a restaurant in Oakdale. More cuts of Mia's suggestions and opinions being negated. Mia finally announces that she feels her professional opinions are not being appreciated. Elia gently scoffs at this. Cliff tries to get something out of Mia, but she's just, "No, I'm done." Mia bitches to us about being ignored.
The cheftestants arrive at Restaurant Depot to pick out mass quantities of groceries. Flats of produce, large plastic envelopes of herbs, and boxes of meat are stacked everywhere. It's like the loading dock of a really, really big grocery store. Betty and Sam gather up their stuff for Team Feast. Mia and Michael do the same for Team Famine.
Over at Wild Oats, Ted Ilan and Marcel's hairdos battle it out at the fish counter. Seriously, we all talk about Marcel's hair, but there have been quite a few times when Ted Ilan has mohawked his own follicles in some bizarre attempt to slap Marcel's pompadour with a glove and challenge it to a duel. This is one of those times. Ted Ilan and Marcel decide on mussels. The fishmonger is going to put the netted mussels in a plastic bag. "Uh, don't put them in a plastic bag, they'll suffocate," Marcel orders, his arms folded. Ted Ilan shoots him a look. "I could wrap them in paper," the fishmonger offers. "That'd be better," Ted Ilan says and Marcel echoes this. "Thank you," Ted Ilan adds. Marcel does not echo that. What a punk. "Don't be a dick," Ted Ilan says, playing with his Treo. Marcel protests he's not being a dick, he just doesn't want them to get dead shellfish. You were being a dick, Marcel. Marcel then tells us that although they are working as a team, the cheftestants have to fight for their individual bit of turf. He calls Sam and tells him he's going to do "that Belgian endive thing" if it's cool with him. Son of Sam, on the other end, supposedly says, "Okay, fine" with waved away irritation. I'm not sure how the cameras could have so expertly timed that call and response, but I'm already bleeding from all the possible cuts, I'm gonna stop thinking about it.
Cliff calls Mia and Michael to tell them they're getting rid of the lobster-potato canapé and replacing it with something else. Over at Restaurant Depot, Mia's annoyed to hear this, "Okay, I'm not really cool with this because we had a plan!" She doesn't like them changing midstream without discussing it. Cliff explains carefully that this is why they're calling her right now. Our view of Mia keeps getting slightly interrupted by sliding doors. I think the cameraperson is standing right in front of them to film all this and they just keep opening and closing. I'll bet they think it's artistic when it's actually just annoying. Cliff tells us that Mia wanted to fight about everything. At the Depot, Mia tells Michael they're scratching the lobster idea. "For what?" Michael asks. Mia shrugs and hands over her phone. Michael doesn't want it. Mia tells us, "Cliff is very stubborn and set in his ways. Either you like Cliff's way or you don't like Cliff's way and you still have to do what Cliff says." Michael swears up a storm about Cliff changing his mind. Michael decided to get the frozen lobster tails anyway. Michael tells us he's afraid he's in the "danger zone" if he doesn't come up with something good, so he's grabbing steak and lobster for safety's sake. He suggests making a surf-and-turf canapé. At the Depot checkout, Team Feast and Famine goggle over each other's food haul. Betty can't believe Team Famine has so little compared to their glut. Citing her catering company, Mia says she can't afford to lose this challenge.
Back in the Krapmore Kitchens, the cheftestants prep for four hours. Okay, Team Feast's list of hors d'oeuvres is insane: Crab cakes, shrimp skewers, pickled mussels (yuck), calamari with dip, bread pudding (totally Betty), beef tenderloin with blue cheese, cauliflower a la plancha (totally Ted Ilan), croquetas (Ted Ilan), salmon mousse, pork confit, mushroom tart, vegetable terrine, chorizo and egg tostada (Ted Ilan). Betty brags to us about their list.
Team Famine's list includes: surf and turf canapé (yay, Michael!), seared scallops with endive, smoked salmon with avocado mousse, and strawberries with mascarpone and pancetta. You know what I think about those strawberries? I think they took the whole figs-blue cheese-prosciutto theme and just changed up all the components. I know it ends up being a talked-about dish, but it sounds bizarre to me. Especially when we learn the mascarpone has rosemary in it. Ted Ilan snickers to us about Team Famine's sparse menu. Mia speaks, "Trust me on this one, guys, let's make some fucking extra crostini in case we break some so we have some extra please can we!" Prep is over and the teams move out.
Some studio Brownstone backlot is hosed down with snow fakes and decorated with all sorts of Christmas cheer. At first I wondered if this elaborate staging was really just for the benefit of a single Top Chefisode, but then I thought about how far in advance magazines finalize their book and considered that this whole thing might be so Los Angeles Magazine can get parts of their holiday issue set up and shot. Betty shrieks and woos. It's just not even enough to say, "Shut up, Betty" anymore. One really has to say SHUT YOUR BIG TOOTHED CAKEHOLE ALREADY! Otherwise, the annoyance just festers like a purple boil. The teams pile into their large mobile kitchens and examine their facility. They're all stoked as they get stuff ready. Marcel tells us, "I'm excited, I'm just going to go balls to the walls, like cooking the entire time and I'm not going to stop." Well, I think I just lost my appetite. Team Feast does some serious food flurrying.
Team Famine, on the other hand, has the Plinky Plunky Piano of Impending Loserdom playing as they appear to take a more leisurely approach. Mia thinks they're really in good shape and adds, "Since we have such high-end ingredients like the lobster and the scallops and the fillet, it's really important not to cook things too soon because we don't want to have things sitting around." Peering out of their mobile kitchen window, Mia points out to Elia that Team Feast has way too much going on. She's glad they're not doing that, so they can focus on their details.
Team Feast. Son of Sam advises Marcel that Colicchio doesn't like skin on bell peppers. Such pickiness. Colicchio -- in flip flops, no less -- arrives for his Sniff 'n' Sneer. Team Feast gives him an idea of what they are doing. Colicchio moves on to Team Famine and upon hearing about their four appetizers, pokes, "The other team is doing about ten to fifteen, do you think that's a mistake?" There's some scheduled silence before Cliff explains they decided to stick with four they could do really, really well. After confirming that Elia is the leader, Colicchio flip flops away. Cliff tells us, "We decided not to let Chef Colicchio's comments deter us, and we're putting out a great product." Michael exclaims over the idea of doing fifteen appetizers. Elia tells us she doesn't compare herself to others and then change her mind based on what they're doing. Marcel tells us he was thinking how Team Feast is going to blow the judges away with their bounty, but at the same time he was realizing that the other team was playing it safe. "Simplicity is the sign of perfection," he says, quoting Curnonsky (aka M.E Sailland, the "Prince of Gastronomy"). Typical Marcel. It's probably what he has tattooed above his ass.
The judges show up. Instead of Gail, we get Ted Allen, and the guest judge of the evening is Lee Hefter, executive chef of Spago. And, of course, Tom Colicchio, "Head Judge." Bald Head Judge. All the guys are dressed exactly the same: dark sport coats over button-down shirts (no ties) and jeans. Wonder if Carson got them a three-for-one deal. Lee Hefter and Tom Colicchio are going to be especially hard to tell apart -- they're both stocky bald men of approximately the same height. Looking at how they're lined up -- Clone-icchio, Padmadala, Colicchio, and Ted Allen -- Mathra notes that all you need to do is shove Ted Ilan to them and you'd have a human palindrome. I don't even know what to say about Padmadala's outfit other than the fact that it looks like a mini-skirt version of what someone named "Miss Kitty" would wear while running a saloon and brothel in Painted Gulch.
The sun goes down and the teams set up for the party. Party-goers walk down the red carpet, grabbing Smirnoff-placed drinks. Son of Sam plans that he and Ted Ilan will keep cooking while Marcel and Betty serve the guests. Betty grins and winks and babbles at the guests. Team Feast's table looks filled and attractively set up. They even stuck their shrimp and pepper skewers in a flat of wheatgrass, which makes them look like flowers. Very nice. By comparison, Team Famine's table looks starved for attention. Mia and Michael are out front while Cliff and Elia continue cooking in the back. Michael flirtatiously brings some women a platter of the strawberries. Mia explains to guests, "We didn't want to spend so much time on quantity, we wanted to be able to focus all our energy on the quality of our dishes." Mia, they don't care. Some random guy tells the camera that the chick he's with said she could probably make most of the stuff that Team Feast was putting out, but Team Famine was a bit fancier, more high-end. Mia has now started to tell guests that they have more food coming out. Hey, is that Sandra Lee or is it the Real Housewife of Orange County who is her scary doppelganger? Mia calls out to Michael to rush the surf and turfs. Michael is slowly sauntering away. Why don't they communicate via their phones rather than Michael's slow food movement? Some rude guest tells Mia, "It better be coming out soon." Is that a threat, dude? Mia promises it is and says she can see them through the window. The guest informs her he'll be keeping an eye on them. Keep an eye on this, ass. Elia explains that because she wanted to cook everything to order, stocking the table was taking longer. What is in the corner of Michael's mouth? It's like a smear of pizza sauce or something. Oh, god. Is it a cold sore? Has he taken to sucking his wife's panties? Oh, Michael. Elia pleads with Michael to entertain the guests. "It's kind of hard when they want food and there's nothing out there!" Michael protests. At Team Famine's table, Ted Allen wonders teasingly to Mia, "Has your team left you by yourself again?" Michael suddenly arrives with more food. Ted Allen asks if they need his help. Mia tells him he can help out by enjoying himself. In the kitchen, Elia tells Cliff they should cook more scallops.
Team Feast. They're basically rocking. Two randoms from Studio 60 stop by to stick their faces in the camera. Since I put myself on a no-Sorkin diet this fall, I only recognized that actor in orange because he was the screaming guy in that Volkswagen commercial. He's certainly overacting in this scene with Betty's bread pudding as much as he did in that car commercial. Colicchio and Clone-iccho stop by to try Team Feast's food. Betty introduces them to pickled mussels in an apple molasses mignonette and sesame shrimp skewers. Ted Allen and Padmadala are to eat at Betty's feet and she shows them the roasted vegetable terrine with a roasted red pepper coulis. She then shoves them off on Marcel who tells them about the confit of pork shoulder with tomato marmalade. Ted Allen and Padmadala seem suitably impressed. Colicchio and his twin are now sampling a chorizo and egg tostada and beef tenderloin stuffed with Cabrales blue cheese and a green bean garnished with a watercress and roasted garlic sauce. Marcel points to "everybody's personal favorite" crab cakes with fire-roasted corn and pasilla relish. Marcel tells us with a weird fluttering eye roll that he's proud of everything they did.
At Team Famine, Mia explains their strawberries, saying, "Well, only in California can you find strawberries in the wintertime." A) It's not winter right now, so stop pretending that shit; B) I live in Northern California -- a stone's throw from the self-proclaimed "strawberry capital of the world" -- and the strawberries I get in the winter are from South America; C) If California had access to strawberries in winter, so would the rest of the country because I was buying Watsonville/Driscoll strawberries in BOSTON! The halved strawberries are filled with rosemary mascarpone and topped with crumbled pancetta. CRUMBLED pancetta, not "pancetta brunoise" as the toffee-nosed Bravo CRAPhics claim. A brunoise is a precise cut, those are CRUMBLES. I mean, if they really did brunoise the pancetta before they cooked it to crumbles, that was a stupid waste of time. This show is crumbelievable. Mia calls the pancetta "fancy bacon." Ted Allen moves on to the seared scallops with ginger-grapefruit marmalade perched on spears of Belgian endive. "What was here that we missed?" Padmadala asks, gesturing at an empty space. Given how bare that table is, I think she needs to be more specific. Mia says that Michael is just coming with it. Indeed, Michael arrives with his surf-and-turf canapés. Michael describes the canapé as, "Steak, lobster, basil-dill salad on toast." The lobster tail meat is cut into medallions to better rest on the toast rounds.
The night is over, and Team Feast toasts each other with cocktails. Mia props Elia's leadership up to us. Elia tells us, "Teamwork in the competition is the hardest thing because at the end of the day you get judged. I'm the leader they chose and I don't want to go home." Why do all of the scenes of Elia doing the interview-confessional look like a commercial for Soul-Glo?
Judges' Table. Clone-icchio thinks it looks like Team Feast had five thousand dollars to spend compared to Team Famine. Ted Allen points out that Team Feast also kept their table full of food the whole evening and Team Famine didn't. However, Clone-icchio -- another chef mispronouncing mascarpone yet again -- thinks that Team Famine's scallops and their strawberry dish was the best of all the dishes from either team. Colicchio agrees that Team Feast's food wasn't so great, particularly the "lousy" shrimp. Ted Allen adds that there wasn't anything on Team Feast's table that you wouldn't find at any decently catered event.
Team Feast follows Padmadala back to the Judges' Table where they are told they are the winners. Is that an actual smile we see on Son of Sam's face? He must have hit upon a recipe for all those leftover ears he's been collecting in the walk-in. You know how chefs like to use every part of the animal. The judges reconfirm that Son of Sam was the team leader. Marcel interjects, "But I'd like to say something, like, I didn't need, like, a whole lot of leadership although he was, like, the designated leader for our team." He's been hanging around Michael way too much. You know, Marcel, you wonder why people hate you? It's for shit like this. Why not let Son of Sam have his moment? You guys didn't lose, so you weren't in any danger of being knife'd. I mean, unless Marcel saw the box of knives on the table and foresaw that the winner would get to take that home, I don't really get what he was hoping to gain from this. Ted Allen comments, "It sounds like you kind of want to assert that you definitely made a solid contribution or is there something else you are trying to say?" Ted Ilan and Betty laugh that it's just the way Marcel talks. "He's a skosh arrogant," Ted Ilan adds. Marcel mutters over them that he just did his own thing. Clone-icchio names Son of Sam the winner and hands over a twenty-piece set of Global knives. Son of Sam's all, "Sweet! It was getting harder and harder to get the bone marrow out of my other set!" Ted Ilan, not wanting to be on Son of Sam's menu, claps harder and louder than anyone at the announced win. As Marcel rolls his eyes, Son of Sam tells us, "I'm stoked. I've never won anything in my life, and Marcel was totally trying to steal my thunder. The kid should've just shut the hell up and enjoyed that we won and that he wasn't going home, but he couldn't do that." Team Feast leaves.
Team Famine stands before the judges and told they are the losers. When asked what went wrong, Elia admits there was a lack of organization "at the end." "And you were the team leader?" Padmadala confirms. Clone-icchio says, "For four dishes, there was nothing that I left that table saying, 'Wow, I have to go back and have another one.'" That may be, but you were all just saying that Team Famine's scallops and strawberries were the best dishes across both teams. Clone-icchio admits that the best dish was the scallop-endive-marmalade thing and he asks who created that dish. "Elia created that dish," Michael responds. Clone-icchio compliments her on it and tells them they should have made eight dishes of that same caliber. Padmadala wants to know what Michael's responsibilities were. He says, "I was running, serving -- I was communication between the front and back." Colicchio wonders why they couldn't keep food on the table. Cliff says it boiled down to a lack of communication between those who were in kitchen and those who were in the front. So he's blaming Michael. Mia shakes her head. Colicchio calls her on it. "I did have a problem with the fact that the food wasn't coming out of the kitchen fast enough," Mia says. Colicchio asks Elia why this was happening. "We were cooking everything at the moment, we didn't work fast enough," Elia responds. "But you only had four dishes," Padmadala points out. "Yes," Elia agrees. Mia pipes up with her opinion that they could have done more and how she suggested they do six, "I was told, 'Let's do three.'" Cliff pulls a "wow, really? I didn't hear that" face. Padmadala asks if anyone heard Mia say that. Cliff shakes his head. Mia adds, "I felt like my voice was not heard. I felt like my professional opinion was not appreciated." Cliff interrupts to say, " I'm not gonna -- I can't allow Elia to get thrown under the bus because she was put up against some really hard circumstances." Now, this is interesting. Cliff is already leaping to Elia's aid when nothing Mia really said made it sound like she was accusing Elia of anything. I think something was cut here when it was determined why they were no longer going to tell the Elia is a Bad Leader story. It also explains why we never saw that clip of Cliff also seeming to be yelling at Elia during the challenge.
Colicchio wants to know what Elia was up against. "Some of her cooks were not in line at all times," Cliff explains. Padmadala asks, "Who were those cooks?" "Mia was definitely bitching and moaning," Cliff points out. Mia steps in, "In my defense, I was not 'bitching and moaning.' I had opinions and I disagreed with certain decisions and I made my voice be heard and when my voice was not heard and I realized that, 'Hey, this is a team,' I stepped off and said, 'Hey, I'm going with the team.'" That's a lot of internal monologue she's been having with herself. Maybe that explains why we never heard her suggest six dishes rather than four. It was all in her head. Colicchio asks, "What were the problems?" She didn't say "problems," she said "decisions." Oh, whatever. Mia explains that she had a problem with serving three seafood dishes, "And so that's when Mike and I decided, well, you know we got the money in our budget still leftover, let's go ahead and get the steak and lobster and let's do something on our own." I'm sorry, but doesn't lobster still count as seafood? It does in my world. Elia thinks they worked well as a team, but Ted Allen interrupts her to say, "Elia, I don't mean to be unkind but I think we're finding a difference between the idea of whether you guys worked well together as a team or whether you just sort of liked each other or something." Elia softly moans, "No, no, no." Ted Allen points out that the final result was that the table was half empty.
Colicchio steps in to say that Cliff's not going anywhere because he has Immunity, "That leaves the three of you." Padmadala asks who Cliff would send home. "Mia should go home," he responds. Mia leaps on him, "Cliff you can stand there and say whatever you want to but you cannot deny that last night, when I felt things were not right, I spoke up for myself!" Cliff bends over to Mia's level and gestures at her dramatically, "This is why -- this is why we're standing here!" "Throw me under the bus!" Mia sobs, "I don't give a FUH-bleep-UCK!" I had to write it that way, because it's so hysterical how some of Mia's profanity actually makes it through the censors because of her drawn out delivery and Bravo's staccato bleeping. "I don't give a BLACK BONE!" Mia goes on. And that one they just left in because they didn't know what it meant. Neither do I, actually. However, I have gotten emails pointing me to slang dictionaries with possible interpretations. I say "possible" because none of them actually define "black bone," they just define "bone," which I could have figured out on my own. I really want to incorporate it in my everyday speech, but I don't know if I can get away with it. Maybe I should change it to something more me, like, "My snow-white Minnesota ass doesn't give a Lake Woebegone!" What do you think? "And you cannot say that you guys did not -- that YOU especially did not talk over me! You did! So put your DI-bleep-CK away, dude, you have FUH-bleep-CKING Immunity! And that's the bottom line! Now!" Mia finishes. But it's a drawn out, twanged "now." More like, "naaiioow." Think Paula Deen. Michael looks like he might crack up. It's hard to tell if Elia is holding back tears or laughter with those fingers over her mouth. I'll let you figure out which was my reaction. I think a lot of people were dismayed that Mia acted "unprofessional" with her swearing, but dude, they're FUH-bleep-CKING chefs! This IS being professional! I knew chefs who felt the need to make up their own profanity just because they were bored with how often they used the other shit. Colicchio is first to recover and asks if Elia, as team leader, has anything else to say before they go into their deliberations. "I really don't want to go home, of course. I've been enjoying this. There's have been tough moments, there have been happy moments. But this is what a real chef life is about, you know?" Elia responds. Colicchio confirms, "But you're taking responsibility for this team's loss?" When did we hear her say that? Again, that's something that we might have seen if this was the Elia is Knife'd storyline that Colicchio purports in his blog. "I take the responsibility. I was the leader of the team and we're all together," Elia says. Why didn't they make Cliff the leader? I mean, given that he has Immunity? Colicchio excuses them.
In the back, Marcel asks what happened. "Yeah, I'm going home," Elia says, gathering up her things, "After the show in there? I'm going home." Mia says, "I honestly don't think Elia should go home. I think that Elia has more talent in her little finger that a lot of us. I have a successful business to go back to and you know, maybe the country is where I belong." Cliff looks benign. Betty looks pained.
The judges deliberate, but it's far less interesting to what is about to happen in the back. They really make it sound like they're sending Elia home for not being a strong enough leader.
In the back, Mia announces, "I will go home any day, so that Elia can stay here." "Don't do it," Elia says tearfully. Michael rubs his head, trying not to think of his wife's panties. "Like Cliff said, I deserve to go home!" Mia says, raising her voice, "Send my black ass home, I don't give a SHI-bleep-IT." Cliff looks down. Mia has tears on her face again, "I'm the only person in my family to make anything out of my life. The only one. Coming from where I came from, I should have been a statistic! I sold drugs when I was eleven years old! I know what it's like to walk the streets of MacArthur Boulevard [As in MacArthur Blvd in Oakland, a street where you can get both drugs AND violence for the price of one] and try to bleeping sell a rock so you can bleeping feed your family!" Bravo's getting better on their timing. It's easy if they could splice in footage of Mia doing it some other time. Not that they did or anything, I'm just saying. "Are you done playing the part of the martyr?" Cliff wonders. And he's the ONLY one who could have said that and lived. I wonder what his crackground is. "You know what? Kiss my ass! 'Cause I don't really give a bleep right now, Cliff, you were the one who threw me under the bus." Man, this Top Chef bus is assuming Stephen King-like proportions. "Abso-FUH-bleeping-CKING-lutely. Yes, I did," Cliff agrees wholeheartedly. "The way I saw it, you had Immunity. You could have sat back and let all of us bring ideas to the table; the minute I opened my mouth, you turned around and said 'no.' I'm over this bleep because I will go home, back to Oakdale and live a happy-ass life."
Judges' Table. Colicchio needlessly points out that Mia is very angry and upset. Ted Allen observes that Mia's anger is directed more at Cliff than at anyone else. Colicchio doesn't believe Mia fought that hard to get her voice heard when they were deciding the menu.
Mia cries in the back.
Clone-icchio talks about how Michael played it safe and that he doesn't think he's a Top Chef.
Padmadala brings the cheftestants back to the Judges' Table. Colicchio addresses all of the cheftestants individually. He wonders if Cliff would have done more had he been the team leader, he thinks Michael is just skating by, he doesn't think Mia tried hard enough to get her voice heard, and he thinks that Elia failed as team leader. "We have made a decision," Colicchio concludes, turning to Padmadala, who is preparing to speak. But wait! Mia has more to say! "I would like to ask you -- Elia does not deserve to go home. She's very talented and you know, I'm not doing this for anything -- I have done more than I thought that I would do when I came here," Mia announces, starting to break down. Elia tries to stop Mia, but Mia says, "No! Elia! Let her stay, send me home!" Colicchio doesn't believe that Mia's just going to sacrifice herself, "It's doesn't strike me as the kind of person you are. You seem like you scratched and fought for a lot of things in your life." No, you don't get to be Tim Gunn now. You said you were Head Judge, not a mentor. "I have fought many battles, you have no idea," Mia says. Somehow I think he's about to get an idea. "And I just can't believe that you're just going to throw up your hands and go, 'Well, whatever,'" Colicchio goes on. "You know, I have fought many battles throughout my life. I've dealt with being homeless, you know, I'm the only one in my family to ever make anything of myself. The only one. But if I go home tonight, I made my family proud," Mia sobs. Colicchio says, "I just don't think you're a quitter. You don't strike me as a quitter, yet you're quitting." "You gotta know when to fold 'em," Mia advises. Yes, she did go there. "Well, we did make a decision, but if you are going to walk away from this and that is your decision, we will accept that," Colicchio concludes. "Then I will pack my knives and go," Mia responds. Padmadala covers her lovely mouth and looks at Mia from her lovely "troubled" eyes. Elia covers her mouth. Michael rubs his temples with one hand. Mia scorns to wipe the snot from under her noise. Padmadala excuses all of them.
In the back, Mia announces she wouldn't let them send Elia home. Betty hugs her. "She deserves to be here," Mia says. "So do you," Betty tells her. Mia shakes her head. Mia sobs to us that she said she did not want Elia to go and she meant it. Back in the pantry, Elia hugs Mia and says, "You didn't have to do that." "I know, I don't have to do anything that I don't want to do," Mia responds. Mia tells us that she has a wonderful family and restaurant to go home to and her dream for Elia is that some day Elia will have her own restaurant and she'll be able to be as proud as Mia is of the things that she's accomplished in her life. Mia packs her knives and leaves. If Son of Sam gets ousted before the finale (which is highly unlikely), it's now going to take him twice as long to pack all his knives.
time: Marcel and Ted Ilan really get into it, Debi Mazar and sparkling red wine (Lambrusco?) are in the house, Colicchio talks about culinary sins (thou shalt not covet thy neighbors aspic?), and Marcel speaks French.