Omar G gave this episode a grade of
C
8 users have given this episode an average grade of
C+
First, an announcement. This is the last Third Watchrecap Mighty Big TV will publish. Why? Well, apparently, y'all aren't reading these. And the forums have become infested with tumbleweed and dust. So, let's make this fun. I'll stay snarky to the end, and you'll chuckle along and pretend that you've been watching the show during the latter half of the second season. It'll be like group therapy, only a little less delusional.
Previously on This Show is Doomed: Jimmy chatted up his best friend's girl Linda at his own engagement party. Then he got slugged at the fire station by her man Lombardo. I try to remember why. Oh, yeah! Because he boffed her in the bathroom at that same party. Boy, that Jimmy sure does get around. Brooke (the woman he was supposed to be getting engaged to at that party) found out and told him to stay away. And then, weeks later, Lombardo told him that Linda was pregnant. Jimmy freaked out, but Lombardo assured him that it is the product of healthy Lombardo sperm, and not of the Jimmy Lothario sperm. Jimmy breathed a sigh of relief. Just like that, they were friends again.
The episode that has my "Get out of Third Watch free card," begins in a snowy park, as Jimmy and his son Joey kick a ball around. In voice-over, Jimmy talks about the movie Jerry Maguire, and how Tom Cruise's character woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat to create a mission statement. Look, you know you're getting desperate when you start cribbing your show's emotional themes from movies that were released within the last five years. week, Carlos will fantasize about somebody showing him the money. ["Maybe he will, but you won't read about it here." -- Wing Chun] Jimmy, all smiles from the holy light and faint music playing as he admires his son, says he needs one of those: a plan, a mission statement. How about, "Don't screw women other than your fiance at your engagement party"? Hell, that motto should apply to all firefighters. Jimmy says he plans to make up for all the hurt he's caused people around him. Good luck with that, buddy. Hope that works out real well for you now that nobody wants to have anything to do with you.
At a restaurant, Jimmy is waiting. After a moment of hesitation, Brooke -- who we see through a window -- comes in. She is brusque. She don't want no scrub. She's not staying. "What do you want, Jimmy?" she asks. He says he wants to talk. "I love you," he tells her. She tells him to shut up. Hey, she's looking good, by the way. Even now that she's crying. Jimmy says he made a mistake, and he wants them to be together. Brooke is having none of that. She says she called a lawyer; she doesn't want alimony, she just wants her apartment. "This won't happen again," Jimmy says. Damn right, buddy. She's sending you divorce papers. Brooke gets up and leaves. Jimmy looks sad.
Outside the fire station, Lombardo is showing off his Lombardi by throwing a few passes and acting all macho as Alex "Cold Fish" Taylor tells the boys to come in for supper. He calls her Ma, and I giggle. A fire truck approaches and everybody gets ready for a rumble. This is a fire truck from another precinct, and it would seem that they have bitter turf wars that can only be settled on the football field. Firefighter A-Hole engages in some trash talking with Jimmy and the crew and delivers a bucket with tissues, Ben Gay, and a telescope for them to view the opposing team's winning touchdowns. Oh, I see. Being a firefighter is just re-upping your contract from belonging to a frat. Jimmy tells A-Hole that if he has no telescope, he won't be able to find his "Johnson" when he's taking a leak. That's why I subscribe to HBO. You'll never hear Paulie Walnuts on The Sopranos refer to someone's penis as a "Johnson." A-Hole drives away, trying to skid a fire truck. They all say they want a piece of that guy -- even Alex, who plans to join in the football action. Tough talk. Weak story.
As everybody files inside, Jimmy hangs around and is approached by Lombardo's girlfriend Linda, who just happens by. She says she's there to see Jimmy. Alex walks out and spots Linda. Awkward moment. She goes back inside. Linda tells Jimmy that she had an ultrasound and is four months pregnant, pegging it right at the time of his engagement party. Lombardo, it would seem, was misinformed. Jimmy expresses "stunned disbelief" by squinting. Linda predicts that her kid will be born with black hair and dimples, and warns Jimmy that if Lombardo ditches her, "I am not going to be stuck raising it alone." See, Jimmy? It all works out. Lose a Brooke, gain a Linda.
Opening credits. I let my cat dance to the Crystal Method one last time.
Dinner at the fire station. What could be finer? Football strategy is discussed. As they use food to plan out plays, Carlos is compared to ziti, and then to garlic bread. Carlos finds out he's been replaced by Alex, because it's a firefighters-only matchup. What was Carlos going to do, anyway? Use his textbooks to study them into the end zone? He walks off, disgusted. Linda is sitting at the table, and she looks like she'd rather be home, being not so pregnant. Jimmy walks in and leaves quickly, avoiding the situation. Smart man.
Upstairs, Alex butts in on Jimmy's life yet again. "It's really none of my business," she begins, "but you might want to rethink being alone with Linda." Jimmy agrees that it's none of her business. He makes a sexual crack, and then decides to tell her about the pregnancy. Jimmy says, by way of exposition, that he's not going to tell Lombardo what's going on. Are you as bored as I am, yet?
Outside, a guy in glasses, riding a bike, approaches Jimmy. He talks about how cool firefighters are, and how he's heard about this one firefighter named Jimmy who's one of the best in the city. Holy crap, a firefighter groupie! Jimmy totally falls for it. But, hey! It's actually a guy delivering divorce papers. The whole thing was a clever ruse. "You're served," the guy says, and rides off. Ha ha.
That night, Jimmy's inside, brooding by the blinds and holding the divorce papers. Lombardo comes down, saying he wasn't able to sleep. It looks like Lombardo is going to ask something about the pregnancy, but instead he asks Jimmy whether he snores. Jimmy tells him he does. Lombardo doesn't believe it. He's living in his little non-snoring perfect-Linda fantasy world. How soon he'll be shattered. Lombardo asks what's on Jimmy's mind. Jimmy asks about Lombardo's arm. Guy bonding: How sweet it is.
The sequence is a long, long, long flag football playing sequence. So unnecessary. And it's cold, so instead of the buff bodies we got in Top Gun's volleyball sequence, we get a bunch of sweaty guys in sweatpants. Loud music. Lots of slow motion. Some scoring, but not of the sexual variety. Alex shows her masculinity. Lots of high fives. Mud. Whooping. I go get a beer and drink it and the scene still isn't half over. Kim sits on the sidelines, single-handedly sapping any joy from the events around her. Jimmy gets slammed, and flag football turns to tackle football. A fight almost breaks out. More loud music. This is like a Foot Locker commercial that never, ever ends. An inspirational huddle inspires me to run to the bathroom for a recap-run-ending bowel movement. An interception loses the gave for Jimmy and his pals. The distance between me and caring is roughly a million, billion, trillion light-years. We go to commercial, because somebody actually paid money to advertise after this brilliant display of ill-spent testosterone.
At the fire station, Jimmy comes down and finds everybody looking out the window. They're watching Lombardo and Linda argue out on the street. "At least it's got nothing to do with you this time," Carlos tells Jimmy. Lombardo looks up, and everybody backs away from the window. Jimmy prepares to get punched in the face again. Lombardo bitches everybody out for listening in. Then they all get called to a fire.
On the way, Lombardo says that the fight on the street was about what he and Linda are naming the kid. She wants a name like "Hunter" or "Oliver." He wants "Joe," just like Jimmy's son. Jimmy's other son. How creepy is that? Alex gives Jimmy a look. Lombardo wants a strong firefighter's name. And if it's a girl, he wants her to be as tough as Alex. Boy, episode is just a monument to suck, isn't it? I've seen black holes devour entire galaxies and suck less.