By Heathen
Well, Omar G. had to flee to the nation's capital for "management training," so he asked me to step in this week on America's best night of television that isn't Thursday, Wednesday, or Tuesday. I type, and Omar "trains." He didn't say what he's learning to manage. It could be tattoo management for all we know.
Last time on Third Watch, Bosco got reamed out by the new sergeant, Sully got ass from a Ukranian temptress, Faith got to hug her kids, and Kim got nostalgic for quieter days. I got to the final level of "Super Mario Bros. 3" on Nintendo. Then I got an e-mail from my mother asking what, indeed, my life has become.
At 5 PM in New York City, the Goodyear Blimp is providing NBC with aerial footage of busy streets because, well, that XFL contract isn't terribly lucrative and the pilots need to put food on the table. Doc and Carlos are tending to a panting man who collapsed on the street corner. They reassure him it wasn't a stroke, but the man still wants to know if he's dying. "We're all dying, sir," Carlos says, teeming with ineptitude. Carlos, I think I see a small child across the street with a dog -- perhaps you could point out that even fluffy puppies can be killers. The man continues to pant, and explains he's nervous because he's due to give a speech that evening. Doc helpfully points out that he's hyperventilating. The actor playing Panting Man is Michael Sabatino, who has done time on Days of our Lives. He looks a bit haggard -- not like when he was in his prime and his evil aunt buried the love of his life alive and piped audio into the coffin.
Bosco and Faith pull up at the streetcorner. He's hungry for Chinese chicken, and oddly, he doesn't mean that as some tacky epithet for a woman. "I'm missing my daughter's birthday because you're jonesing for Chinese chicken?" Faith barks. Bosco contends this is damn good chicken, and they bicker. It turns out Faith was denied time off for the party because Sgt. Doogie Bateman is a festering asshole and is making Bosco miserable by pissing off Faith.
As Doc and Carlos finish working with Panting Man, Faith and Bosco approach and make sure everything is fine. Panting Man insists he doesn't need hospital treatment, and that's good enough for Bosco: "I got a date with Chinese chicken." Wait, maybe it is a euphemism. Doc and Carlos pack up the ambulance, and Doc begins to radio the dispatcher to alert them of their whereabouts. Suddenly, a homeless woman hails them and begs that they follow her down an alley. Faith uses her deductive reasoning to determine that this might be a "situation," and she gestures for Doc, Carlos, and Bosco to follow her. Bosco is hungry. On so very many levels.
The homeless woman explains that her coffee date didn't come upstairs for their regular outing today. She opens a makeshift door to reveal a staircase that goes three flights down into the bowels of the city, and explains that the man lives down there. Shrugging, Carlos and Doc head downstairs with Yokas while Bosco balks. "I'm going in that filth because some grapehead missed his coffee date with Sophia Loren here?" he smirks. Webster, having backed off during Omar's three-week Bosco sympathy stretch, redistributes all the new dictionaries that feature Bosco's photo under "boorish." He taunts the homeless woman, asking if the coffee date is her lover with whom she'll breed hobo children and have saucy, hot, nightly rolls in the mud. "You're so clever with the jokes about street people," she deadpans wearily. "Maybe later, you can regale me with jokes about the handicapped. Children are especially fun." Score one for her. Bosco stares blankly. "Regale?" he asks. Oh, my -- score two for the homeless woman. No, wait, I think that's game, set, and match. Instead of telling Bosco that "regale" means "fuck off, pig," the woman just stares into the darkness of the underground tunnel that so uncannily resembles Bosco's brain.
Carefully, Yokas, Doc, and Carlos descend the stairs -- Bosco later follows, as Faith has yelled for his flashlight -- and joke about some nutcase who claimed to be the Lindbergh baby. A lame riff follows that is supposed to show Bosco is somewhat stupid. Nice. On what planet is this mystery man, potentially dead or freezing in an underground lair, worthy of a four-person rescue squad? If I drop a dollar between the seats of my car, can I call 911? Bosco bitches that rats are crawling everywhere. Doc shines his light on a strange throne-type chair made of pots, pans, cobwebs, and cushions, and discovers a pallid, immobile, elderly man sitting there. Instead of checking his pulse, they proceed with a highly scientific test to ascertain his well-being -- questions include "Are you okay?" and "Will you raise your hand if you want our help?" Getting no answer, the benevolent posse decides to leave him alone, because dead men belong with the rats and that's just the way life is, man.
Suddenly, Faith hears a noise. At her urging, two hoods -- we know this because they're in skull caps -- emerge from the shadows and rather intelligently telegraph their guilt by shoving their hands deep into their pockets and exchanging furtive glances. Everyone is tense. "Geez, this is bad, man," says Ruffian. "Bad," agrees Hooligan. Good. That's settled. Suddenly, they pull out weapons and Faith screams for everyone to draw. Oooh, a face-off. Faith warns them not to shoot, the closed-captioners give Bosco a line that neither he nor anyone else ever actually utters, and Ruffian shoots. Gunfire blazes and Hooligan and Ruffian escape up the first flight of stairs and slam a metal door. A textbook police maneuver -- in the textbook of Suck. Faith kicks the door in frustration and realizes it's locked. "We should've just gone to get chicken," pouts Bosco. Why, hello Physics. Kind of you to join us, but what are you doing here so early? "Just watch," Physics says. And sure enough, an angry, Faith shoots at the metal door -- and Doc, standing behind her and to the left, clutches his abdomen and crumples.
Credits. This cast seems really large to me, for some reason. That might be due to the fact that my last regular gig, Deadline, involved recapping Oliver Platt and then a few other people who changed week to week.
After the credits, the gang flocks to Doc's side -- Faith's bullet, made of metal, has indeed bounced off the door, also metal, and into Doc's stomach, which is decidedly unmetallic. Physics winks at me and dances like a gloater who's just eaten a bologna and melted-gloat sandwich with gloat-flavored potato chips. Doc is lying on garbage bags full of soda cans. Faith totally freaks and Doc snaps at her for shooting him, and you know, he's got a point. Yokas remembers the homeless woman and figures she'll know they're trapped, but her hopes are dashed by a sheepish Bosco. He doesn't relay his snide exchange with her, but nonetheless gets across that the woman would really enjoy (a) pouring coffee down one of Bosco's orifices, or (b) leaving them there to rot. Slowly, they start to realize it could be ages before anyone notices their absence. Bosco decides to look for a crowbar, ideally so someone can use it to bash in his thick skull, and he stumbles upon a big honkin' stash of heroin. Using every deductive reasoning skill in his possession, Bosco announces that the drugs must belong to the two thugs from the earlier shootout. Way to go, Bosco! That G.E.D. is well within reach, buddy. He and Faith then decide to hunt for an alternate escape route, leaving Carlos to doctor Doc, because he can see he's burning, burning. Oh my God, I've channeled the Thompson Twins. Bosco acts skittish about the darkness.
Doc bravely says he'll be fine and silently rejoices that the "Brave Little Camper" trophy is now officially a lock -- until Carlos confesses that he didn't have time to call the dispatcher, so the station is unaware that they're missing and wouldn't know where to look anyway. That puts Doc in a sour mood. That, and all the blood flowing from his body.
At the office, Sully gets assigned to security duty for a Wu Tang Clan concert. Whatever. I think this is supposed to showcase distaste for Sully and Bosco -- who also gets nominated for a crap assignment -- but the whole thing is confusing and pointless. Just like a circular pencil.
At the firehouse, a Dalmatian wonders where the other hundred went and "Never the Same Girl Twice" plays on the stereo -- which is fine, but a waste, as Bosco isn't even in this scene. Kim is cleaning the refrigerator, Bobby stares at the alarm and silently wishes it would blare, and the entire staff goes a little stir-crazy. Someone mentions Carlos and Doc being missing-in-action. Jimmy, who just misses action, thinks they're fair game for some healthy pranking. "What are you gonna do, screw all their girlfriends?" mutters Alex under her breath. Kim grins. Aw. It's When Fantasies Collide. Jimmy talks about house hunting with his absent wife, and Alex tries to deflect an eager Bobby and his grand ideas about romantic dinner plans for the night. To get away, she grabs the guy who's been winning the headstand contests and tells him she's ready to play. He calls her "the final frontier," and while Bobby fantasizes about her front, Alex accepts the challenge.
Tunnel of Drugs. Bosco is talking about the end of Planet of the Apes for some reason -- possibly, because he thinks it's based on his family life. Faith shines her flashlight beam on a trashcan and imagines that odd noises are emanating from within it. They inch closer. Bosco reaches in, freezes, then convulses and screams that something is biting him. Faith shrieks and jumps up and down, both helpful reactions from a trained cop. Amused, Bosco stops quivering and cracks up, because -- aaah! -- he was faking her out the whole time. "We're locked in a basement. It's funny," Bosco says in his own defense. Faith shoots him the kind of withering look that says, "If we were the last two people on Earth and we were naked and had a giant bed in front of us, I'd still vomit on your crotch and turn vegetarian." Faith points out that Doc is lying on the ground bleeding, and no one knows where the hell they are. Suddenly, they notice natural light -- it's a gate of some kind, but it's a false lead. Bosco trumpets that they're at the last stop on the No. 6 train, which is closed for renovations until 2002. He cackles, and Faith curses.
Sully and Ty are talking about women. There's mention of a double date, but Sully's contract explicitly states he cannot get more consecutive weeks of ass than Dennis Franz, so they immediately get interrupted. Sgt. Doogie Bateman barks that Bosco and Faith are missing, and demands that Sully and Ty fire up the car and chauffer him around town to find the miscreant officers. Sully glares at him.
Carlos snags the blanket from the dead man's gray body and drops it onto his dying friend's weak one. He tries to keep giving Doc fluids. Both of these are excellent ways to treat someone with an open wound. When Bosco and Faith return, Carlos pulls them aside and whispers urgently that Doc needs to get out of there very quickly. Again with the ingenuity! Plus, that's extra helpful to know when you consider everyone's complete frustration and the impossibility of an exit and all. Faith looks scared, and Doc breathes raggedly.
Taco Bell, I will never eat your food. Not after that "We Will Rock You" atrocity. The "stop doing that" woman gives me nightmares. I want to slap her.
Alex complains at the firehouse that she's not being treated like everyone else, and she believes it's because she's female. Jimmy listens and fakes sympathy while he tries to fix a leak in the showerhead. Alex then discusses Bobby, and how she wants to let him down gently because it isn't working out to her liking. "I could tell him I'm gay," she says brightly. Jimmy groans. "You just want it to be his idea," he teases. "I always believe honesty is the best policy." They stop and look at each other, then burst into laughter. That Jimmy! Always the lovable cad, joshing about nobility and integrity to the woman who caught him banging a taken babe right before his wedding. As if living a metaphor, Jimmy turns a tiny dripping showerhead leak into a steady flow of water.
To try and get attention, Carlos bangs on the metal door. Something in me expects him to start yelling "Oklahoma, Oklahoma!" like he's Ruprect the Monkey Boy, banging on his pots again. But alas, Carlos is just Carlos, and they're two flights below street level so the banging is not likely to work. Faith tries tending to Doc, but he's grumpy because Carlos is making pointless noise. Bosco starts moving the heroin around, ostensibly because the thugs might return and if they do, he wants them to be confused -- but more directly, because he wants to handle a hundred blocks of sweet, sweet smack. One pack is worth $130,000, he says, then suggests hiding a few and coming back later. "Whaddya think, Doc. Hazard pay," Bosco jokes, then adds that the hoods won't exactly file a theft report for missing drugs. Yokas removes her coat and covers Doc with it, then sadly retreats toward Bosco. He mentions the missed birthday party but says, "She'll understand. I'm going to tell her how much you wanted to be there." Aw. Faith, touched but depressed, walks away.
Doogie Bateman berates Sully for not driving fast enough, suggesting he slows at yellow lights in the hope that they'll turn red. He thinks Sully is covering for Bosco's disappearing act. "Faith wouldn't go along with it," Ty points out helpfully, but Doogie B. doesn't care. Sully uses the radio to announce they're seeking Yokas and Bosco, and Bateman the Doogster gets angry because if they are out there, they've just been alerted as to just how busted they are. Sully rips the siren and drives off.
Alex approaches Bobby and tries to dump him. He misunderstands and thinks she's wondering why there hasn't been any sex yet. "I have a first-time tradition…" she stammers, then drops her voice suggestively. "Threesome," she breathes. Bobby looks shocked. "Do I know her?" he asks, confused. Alex says it's a "he," and it's Jimmy. "Think about it," she giggles sexily -- or so she thinks -- and she leaves. Bobby is dumbfounded.
Faith, consistent to the point of being obvious, notes that no one has come to rescue them yet. Bosco has found a romance novel and is poring through it, seeking tips in the arts of seduction and Throbbing-Member Management 101. ("Management" training, Omar? Sure.) "Shirtless men and desperate women," Bosco says, describing both the cover and his concept of a perfect world. He then strikes gold -- a box of chocolates is sitting to the dead guy, and it contains five confections. Unanimously, they agree Doc gets the extra chocolate. Suddenly, Doc starts crying and freaking out, begging Carlos for morphine to numb the searing pain. The wound has stopped oozing, Carlos notes, but that means there is internal bleeding and that's arguably worse. Buoyed into action, Carlos and Bosco flee to find another exit and Faith agrees to watch out for Doc.
Alex fusses with a door, then calls for Joe to come help her because the damn thing is stuck. When Joe bends over and successfully heaves it shut, a pot of flour dumps its fluffy cargo all over the noggin that he wasn't using. Everyone laughs. Joe silently offers a retaliatory challenge -- he gets a fireman's overalls and invites Alex to step into the boots. She does so, and Joe and two others pull up the overalls and hang her on a coathook. The gang leaves, laughing, and Alex is left alone to sway.
Carlos casually asks Bosco if he has extra flashlight batteries. Bosco snaps at him, freaked and trying to avoid any discussion of impending darkness. Meanwhile, Doc's trembling hand grabs at his tummy. Knowing Carlos, he probably told Doc it was just bad indigestion, and damn he left the Tums tablets in the ambulance. He breathes funny and looks mournfully at Faith, who is quiet but quaking inside.
The XFL has arrived, everyone. And if you're wondering what that is you're feeling, it's probably "total indifference," or even "disinterest."
Roaming around the catacombs, Carlos and Bosco clap to scare away the rats. "There's seven million rats in this city," Bosco grumbles. "We're outnumbered eight to one." What is that -- new math? Maybe Bosco's just deep and he realizes he is not one. He is 875,000. Unfortunately, none of his several-hundred-thousand facets can figure out where the hell he and Carlos are. They bicker and Bosco runs off, insisting he is right.
It's 9:06 PM, and it's the hour of soul-searching. "What's it like having kids?" Doc croaks to Faith. She looks at him in disbelief. Her uterus shudders. Doc explains he always wanted to be a father, and that not achieving that is his biggest regret in life. Faith is visibly uncomfortable with this morbidity, but Doc persists in asking about her regrets. "Shooting at that door," Faith grumbles. She then tries to brush off the topic, saying she never thinks that way because "your life's your life." God, Faith looks really resigned and burned-out when she says that. Molly Price is quite underrated. She's playing worried, annoyed, impatient and tired, maternal yet brusque. All wrapped up into one Yokas. "I think my chocolate wore off," she grins, shuddering at every little noise. "You could always eat Bosco," offers Doc. "Thanks, Hannibal, but I think enough other women have been there," Faith doesn't say, but should. Doc breaks the silence by groaning and screaming in pain. "Bosco's like a bulldog," Faith says. "He'll find a way out." She stares at Doc, increasingly agitated, while he nods weakly and breathes in labored style.
Nervously, Bobby approaches Alex -- still swinging from the coathook -- and tells her he's willing to have a threesome with her. He stares at the floor. "It won't be my first. I've done it before," he admits sheepishly. Alex gapes. Awkward pause. Bobby wiggles a suggestive eyebrow, then can't bite back the laughter any longer and guffaws. Kim, standing in the background, snickers too, but probably from a faint memory of that time in college with the movie Threesome and the aptly named Johnson twins. It slowly dawns on Alex that she's been tricked. Laughingly, Kim admits Alex's attempt to dissuade Bobby deserves some credit for originality -- which it does, except, oh, no it doesn't -- and Bobby grins, then turns to his about-to-be-ex and sighs. He can't believe she has such a high self-opinion that she assumes their breakup would shatter his heart. It's kind of hard not to have an inflated self-worth when you're dumping a guy who has drooled an ocean in your honor. "Just have a shred of self-respect," Bobby lectures. "If a guy asks you over for dinner, just say no." Alex apologizes with a winsome smile, but it fades when he and Kim leave without unhooking her.
Sully sees the empty ambulance, but Il Duce Bateman demands they refrain from calling it in because -- in Sully's words -- it looks bad to lose cops. "He's gonna cover his ass at their expense!" growls Sully. Ty wonders aloud if their four pals are okay, and Sully thinks the answer is no, because he's got a nose for trouble and he can smell it a mile away, and he read the script the day before.
Jimmy uses a makeshift bazooka to shoot potatoes off the roof of the firehouse. Everyone applauds at this supersized metaphor for phallic joy. Eager to prove he can shoot a load just as well as Jimmy can, Joe grabs the bazooka and pops a potato clean over the building. You know, that sentence doesn't get written nearly enough for my liking. The group clamors to the side of the roof and peeks over, snickering, to watch the spud slam into the windshield of a cop car and shatter it completely. A police chief looks peeved, and the gang snorts and beats a quick retreat back into the firehouse. These are America's heroes at work.
Bosco and Carlos continue the Most Pointless Search Ever, at least since Kim put chin to palm and mused, "Now where the heck IS my virginity, anyway?" Suddenly, Bosco shrieks that something (other than poison ivy) is eating his face. Carlos gullibly flips out until he realizes Bosco is fooling around. Suddenly, the flashlight dies and Bosco goes slightly nuts. "Afraid of the dark?" Carlos asks, amused. Bosco curses and Carlos calmly turns on a penlight he had in his pocket. Trying to regain a measure of suaveness, Bosco forges ahead as they try to find an escape and / or return to the dying Doc.
As the fire chief storms upstairs to the rec room, everyone stands around innocently and Joe throws a jacket over the hanging Alex's head. Ha! The fire chief reprimands them for the potato-through-the-windshield prank, and when idiotic Joe snickers, it's obvious whose fault it is. But Jimmy rides up on his white horse -- because hey, he'll ride anything -- and assumes all blame, apologizing very politely and agreeing to pay for the damages. A phone rings and the caller alerts everyone that Doc, Carlos, Faith, and Bosco are missing-in-action. Kim and Bobby get deployed and the chief orders someone to unhook Alex. Oooh, that sneaky chief! He knew all along, and yet he let her hang there during his rant.
Faith snags the dead man's coat so she can keep warm. Doc is still conscious, but barely. Sitting down with the dead man, Faith remarks that it's neat he still believed in romance -- hence the chocolates -- and unearths a birthday card that reads, "Happy Birthday Sal." She starts talking to him, mentioning that her daughter's growing up fast and if time keeps flying, pretty soon she'll be off on her own, independent. "It goes by so fast, doesn't it?" she laments softly. "I'd give anything to have one more day with her as a baby." She gets emotional, talking about how she cherishes every moment with her daughter and wishes she could relive all the milestones. "Not really a regret, though, is it?" she asks. "What do you think, Doc?" He's silent, possibly because he's mortally wounded and it doesn't help to hear a non-dying person sniveling about her life problems. As if to illustrate that point, Doc begins twitching violently.
Sirens blare. Sully and Ty approach Hooligan and Ruffian, who are eyeing the action warily, and ask if they know anything. They hem and haw and try not to help, because there's a shitload of heroin at stake.
Commercial. Sometimes I think heroin would really help me get through that Taco Bell ad.
Bobby and Kim notice that there's way too much stuff in the cop car and the ambulance, meaning the four missing folks must have left in a hurry. "I hope they're warm," Kim offers. Warmth matters little if they're dead, but hey, it's a nice thought. Bobby grabs Sully suddenly and drags him into the alley. A graphic tells us it's 10:40 PM on the show, and we all know what that means: in two minutes, it'll be 10:42 PM. I kid you not.
Carlos and Bosco hear Faith start to scream, and they sprint off in her direction. Outside, Bobby has noticed fresh hot coffee sitting to a big dumpster, and he wonders why it would fall right-side-up out of an overflowing garbage vat. Answer: It probably wouldn't, so someone must have set it down there on purpose. Exchanging a glance, they heave the dumpster out of the way and expose the makeshift wooden door.
We switch back to what is essentially the same scene. Dying Doc? Check. Dark and gloomy set? Check. Dead guy on tin throne? Check. Monster yawn from deep within me? Check. Doc is still convulsing, and Carlos posits that he could have a blood clot, or perhaps a concussion of some kind, or -- hey, here's a thought, maybe he has a gunshot wound in his belly that's inching him closer to death. But I'm no doctor. Sully and Bobby, outside, marvel at how well hidden that entrance is, and they call for backup. Faith cries when Carlos reveals Doc has passed out and may never wake up again. Bosco just watches. All I can do is watch. And watch my watch.
The police bust open the door. Faith hears the noise and jerks her head up briefly, and we see Sully shine a flashlight down the dark staircase. Emotionless, Carlos says, "They found us," and it's apparent they think the two thugs have returned for their heroin. Faith and Bosco leap into action, drawing their guns and aiming them at the door, while Carlos drags Doc off into a shadow and tries to cover him. In a back-and-forth that feels like ten hours but probably lasts ten seconds, we see Faith's eyes, the approaching flashlights shining under the metal door, Bosco's eyes, Faith's gun, and Sully creeping down the stairs. That actually requires some acting, as Sully is more like a thudder than a skulker. On Sully's count, they fling open the metal door and everyone brandishes a weapon. Faith recognizes them and immediately shouts that Doc is badly hurt.
Midnight in NYC. Kim radios the dispatcher and describes Doc's condition, calling out his vital stats while Faith and Bosco wrap themselves in warm blankets. Doc slowly regains consciousness, long enough to hear Carlos fill in the blanks on how they escaped and to ask who's driving the ambulance. "I'll drive," Kim says. "Good, because you're terrible," Doc says to Carlos. What fun banter. The hours must just fly by. Meanwhile, Faith hangs up the phone after apologizing to her daughter, but she's clearly still stricken by everything. Bosco tries to reassure her, then bleats something about Chinese chicken.
Sully summons Sgt. Doogie Bateman to inform him that his inappropriate conduct has been reported, and the captain wants to see him immediately. That's Captain Comeuppance, I believe. And as the cameras pull back on New York City, Doc is whisked to the hospital and life returns to normal.
week, one of the crew "will fall," according to NBC. Apparently, Doc's brush with gunmetal wasn't enough of a fall to have an inverse effect on ratings. Omar G. will be back to tell you about it, and thanks to his training, he can manage the shit out of this episode. Hee.