Improbable

Thanks, first of all, to the lovely and talented Heathen, for covering the recaplet for me this week while I was at a wedding. Second: why is Chandler on Ally McBeal, and why is he so tan?

Instead of jumping right into this week's episode, I need to discuss the teaser. It's Gillian Anderson and Annabeth Gish and Robert Patrick, all doing that Stand Around and Look Serious With Your Arms Crossed thing, but in the middle of SAaLSWYACing, Gillian Anderson falls over. Everyone laughs. I think this might actually have been a legitimate blooper, from their reactions, since I haven't seen any of them look that realistically surprised all season.

We open in Vegas (baby, Vegas), on a close shot of a hand dealing cards. Wacky cha cha music wiggles its hips in the background. I love Vegas. It's so delightfully tacky. The last time I was there, I was browsing in a gift shop and found a snow globe which featured -- instead of the usual fairies or angels or replicas of New York, New York -- Christ on the cross. In a snow globe. Vegas, man. It's horrible in the best possible way. We move to a split screen revealing a series of pathetic-looking saps waiting for their next hand in what looks like Pai Gow poker. Last time I was in Vegas, actually, fellow recapper Heathen almost got us thrown out of the Sahara in a highly dramatic Pai Gow poker incident. See, apparently there's a very specific way you need to present your hand to the dealer and Heathen accidentally did it backwards (we were just learning how to play, and it's quite complicated), and I swear to God, the dealer acted like Heathen pulled the severed head of Danny Gans (Vegas's Entertainer of the Year!) out of her pocket and threw it on the table and then disappeared in a burst of flames. They called the pit boss over and everything. In the end, of course, everything was smoothed over and neither Heathen nor I ended up in a Las Vegasean jail or on an episode of C.S.I. Good times, people. Unfortunately, nothing of that sort happens here in the episode, although this one Scary Dude does give his hand the evil eye, toss it angrily down on the table, and stomp off in a huff. The French Cha Cha music continues to cha cha cha merrily in the background. SD ambles over to the slots, eyeing a desperate-looking blonde. She doesn't look at him directly, but stiffens when he invades her personal space. He watches her pull the lever on the slot machine, with no success.

Cha cha cha over to the bar, where Burt Reynolds orders "a seven and Seven, pack of Morleys." SD stomps over and orders the same. The bartender smiles at Burt, who genially announces that they "have a winner!" SD glares. "Do I know you?" he asks. "Do you know me?" Burt responds. "Come on, Wayno [his name is Wayno?], I'm part of the regular game. You know your problem, my friend? It's not the cards. It's playing the hand you were dealt. Plenty of guys get a bad deal. It's all in what you do with it. Know what I'm saying, partner?" Wayno just glares. "You can think. Cards can't," Burt continues. "You have to make them work for you." Suddenly, I notice that Burt's been playing Solitaire this entire time. He calls each card before he turns it over. Wayno watches warily. And I have a confession to make. Five minutes in and I already sort of love Burt, who's currently listing the probability of getting a flush, a straight, a full house, or a pair in poker. Shorthand: it's hard to get a decent hand. In poker, or in life. "The game can't beat the man," Burt says. "The man only beats himself. And so on and so forth." He notices Wayno (his name can't really be Wayno, can it?) eyeing the Desperate Blonde at the slots. "She comes here every Friday, loses her paycheck, cries all week," Burt says, nodding at her. Eventually, DB gets off her stool and treads dejectedly to the bathroom. Wayno watches. Burt watches him watch, then wonders if Wayno's about ready to call it a night. Wayno just gets up and begins to follow DB. Burt grabs him. "Hey, Wayno? You're bluffing me, right?" he asks. Wayno glares. Burt asks Wayno to "walk out and surprise [him]," but Wayno just tears his arm away from Burt and heads for the head. He pauses for a moment, acting as if he might just go into the little boy's room to powder his nose. At the last moment, though, he goes into the ladies' room. Burt shakes his head. In the background, the DB's machine pays off, and a guy begins to yell gleefully. Shortly thereafter, a woman comes running out of the ladies' room, screaming for help. "There's a woman who's been murdered!" she yelps. Burt looks down at the ace of clubs in his hands. Mark Snow turns off the cha cha, cues up Dum Dum Dum Duuuuuum (# 67) and has another donut.