Existence

Dear Kim Manners,
I'm sorry I called you a woman in last week's recap. Rest assured, I am now well aware that you are a manly, manly, man's man. I will never doubt the existence of your penis again. Please stop calling me.

Dear David Duchovny,
I know I called you an ass. And a bastard (albeit a magnificent one). And some other choice words. But that was a long time ago. I think I've more than made up for it, especially, you know, the other night. Please, don't leave me. Have you seen the chuckleheads they're sticking me with next season? I'll do anything.

Dear Robert Patrick,
I wasn't talking about you. How many times do I have to tell you that you've grown on me before you believe me? Maybe you ought to see someone about this low self-esteem thing. Seriously.

Dear Action Figures,
I don't know what else you expect from me. For the umpteenth time, I had no idea you were trapped between the bookcase and the desk. Is there any way we can put this behind us and move on? By the way, I really didn't appreciate that little stunt you played last night. Do you know how hard it is to get ink out of cashmere? Shape up, or you're going on eBay. I mean it.

Dear Chris Carter,
Bring it.

More parental freaking discretion is advised. Is it weird that I'm nervous about this episode? Because I am nervous. And I don't know why.

Previously on The X-Files: Billy Miles went on a rampage, taking off people's heads and throwing Mulder through a glass wall; Krycek told everyone that Billy Miles was an "alien replicant" and "virtually unstoppable"; Billy Miles bent over and showed off a weird series of bumps on his neck; Doggett and Noel stood in the rain in the park and Noel admitted that "this is a whole other level"; Mulder told Scully that she's the one in danger; Krycek exposited that "they" want Scully's baby because it's "a miracle"; people on the forums wanted to have sex with Krycek because he's always sweaty; Mulder got Doggett to ask Moronica to drive Scully out of town and into hiding; Mulder saved Skinner's life by pushing Billy Miles into a garbage truck; Krycek told the gang that the world is full of alien replicants just like Billy Miles; Agent Crane turned out to be one of them; I fought bitterly and unceasingly with the action figures.