Alone

I don't know if you're aware of this, but David Duchovny stars in The X-Files. Did you know that? Because they've really been keeping it under wraps at Fox. Just in case you didn't know, he stars in the show. He's the star!

So what had happened was, they're totally reusing the Vomity Shaman Cabin in the Woods set for this episode. This time, it's supposed to be in Ellicott, New York. ["I've been there! Well, I've been to Ellicottville, which I assume is close to Ellicott. My friend has a chalet there. I skied at her resort and got bad bad aching muscles but...what's that? The X-Files? Oh, fine." -- Wing Chun] At the tone, the time will be 11:02 PM. A car pulls up outside the cabin and a guy gets out and goes inside.

The guy from the car -- who looks sort of like a thinner James Gandolfini -- enters the cabin and starts chatting, sort of grumpily, with an old guy in a wheelchair who turns out to be his father. "Did you do what I asked?" Grandpa asks. Yada, you ought to be in the hospital, yada, you promised me, yada, you don't owe this man anything, yada it's not about owing, yada yada mysterious dialogue. Gandolnotfini makes some comment about how sick he is of having to check to make sure the cabin doors are locked all the time, and walks into the kitchen to make dinner. What a loving caretaker for his ailing parent. Frank Spotnitz, drunk with the power of both writing and directing, treats us to a Monster Point of View Shot from behind Grandpa's head. Yeah, yeah, let's get to the pouncing and devouring; I've got a beer icing in the fridge. Grandpa's heart monitor beeps. We pan to his face. He looks apprehensive. We pan up to the open window above Grandpa's head, the panes knocking against the sill in the wind. Grandpa's heart monitor starts beeping faster. Monster Point of View is now directly above Grandpa's head. He blinks, leans back, and moans something unintelligible. The heart monitor goes berserk.

In the kitchen, Gandolnotfini hears first the heart monitor beeping madly and then a muffled crash. He sort of strolls nonchalantly into the living room, where he finds Grandpa's empty wheelchair, tipped over onto its side. He looks around and sees the front door slightly open. Gandolnotfini peers out the open door. Something with a tail lurks behind him. Gandolnotfini turns around. The thing, which looks vaguely like a lizard, pounces. What an unexpected development; I thought it was going to rise up on its hind legs and ask Gandolnotfini if he'd like to play a game of canasta before turning in for the night.

And credits. Just because I haven't said so in a while doesn't mean I don't still hate them.