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The kids evacuate to Fort Lauderdale during Hurricane Wilma. During the drive, they tell Paula and Svet that they are a bad combo and when they're together they exacerbate Paula's problems. They go out, and drunken Paula gets home and goes walnuts after Tyler makes a comment and calls her crazy. John comes in and saves the day, taking Paula for a walk and talking her off the ledge. Tyler and Paula sort of make up in the morning. They all go to the beach. Meanwhile, Paula's terrible boyfriend Keith is on his drive to visit her, and will meet them at the hotel. The kids wake up to find the hurricane has hit, knocking out a wall on their floor; they're forced to leave the upper floors of the hotel in a semi-kinda dramatic evacuation. In the lobby, Paula discovers Keith, who drove through a hurricane to see her. He immediately punches her in the face. (Not really.) The kids have to evacuate once again since the hotel is ruined; they head to Orlando. Meanwhile, Paula doesn't know what Keith is going to do. Tyler wants to go to Disney World. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on...Svet came back from visiting Martin after his pops died. Paula cried on the phone because the producers didn't let her horrible abusive boyfriend stay at the house. Tyler isn't comfortable with his visit; Keith thought that it was "fucked up." Hurricane Wilma was coming and it was gonna be awesome!
Credits. Theme. John almost drowns, giggles. Melanoma. Title.
Island. Clouds. Wind in tree. House. House. John reports that there is a mandatory evacuation at 4:00 PM today and they're leaving for Fort Lauderdale. Jose camera-soul-patches that this is the second time they've had to evacuate. Tyler watches the storm on the computer. Zach camera-fros that Rita missed them but Wilma will not. They bring in the stuff from the deck, because God forbid that they lose the blow-up palm tree pool toy. Kayak. Wicker chair. Tyler calls out that he'll help as soon as he finishes his breakfast. Then in the sentence he passive-aggressively brats to everyone that if they all helped they'd be done in ten minutes. Then why don't you Leggo your Eggo and go help, jackhole? Zach continues to work.
Paula talks to Keith on the phone. Keith sounds very gay as he "ooh"s, learning that the kids are going to Fort Lauderdale, because that's very close to where he's planning to stop on his now-hurricane-ruined drive out to see Paula. Paula brats that the one time Keith takes a moment out of his busy choking-a-bitch schedule to come visit, there is a hurricane. Yeah, God hates Keith. It's the only explanation. "Ooh," says Keith again, suggesting maybe he'll come visit and how cool would that be?! From Paula's reaction it sounds like not very cool. She just has to now remember to pack the First Aid kit. Paula tells Keith to leave early. Keith says that the storm isn't going to stop him. Apparently, neither is the restraining order.
Harbor. Clouds. Wind. Waves. House. Packing montage. Packing montage. Tyler brats that John is bringing his guitar. Oh, please don't. As they pile into the FORD!, Tyler gives us a helpful hurricane lesson, saying that anything over a Category 3 would decimate Key West, so they might not be back for weeks. Weeks? Hey...producers. Can you guys leave the cameras? I'm sure they'll be fine. No, we'll rejoin the show when you're back. Take your time. The most important thing is that you're all safe. Bye now. Tyler adds that this is his personal nightmare, being stuck on a road trip with these kids. They drive off.
Driving. Driving. FORD! FORD! FORD! Inside the car, Paula plays with what looks like birth control pills. I don't know why she bothers, I'm sure that with her malnutrition she hasn't menstruated in years. She then makes some inside joke grunting noise, saying that she now is going to get to have as much sex as she wants. Gross and yuck. Tyler then camera-queens, calling Paula and Keith "one big trailer-park tragedy," adding that there is nothing healthy about their relationship. Now Janelle launches into talking about -- in front of everyone -- how when Svet was gone, she got to see the real Paula. Tyler explains that the house opinion is that when Svet is around, she "pollutes" Paula. Paula is worriedly playing with a sheet. At least she's not picking her scabs. I assumes she's trying extra-hard to have a clean palate of skin for Keith to blemish himself. Svet camera-talks that Janelle's opinion that she makes Paula sicker is not going to keep her from hanging with Paula, and she thinks that Paula is "smarter than that." Uh, where the hell did you get that idea? Driving. FORD!
Suddenly, they're all standing in the hallway staring as a whole wall of the 14th floor has blown in. Wind is blowing and there is debris everywhere. Security guards lead them down. Paula talks about the hurricane, and we see more of the roof being ripped off. Wind. Wind. Stairwell. Paula rides on Zach's back. Security guard yells at them. They all brat and whine. Dramaticalish! Commercials.
Waves. Marooned boat. Pool with debris. Broken hotel windows. The kids walk down another hall. Janelle is freaked. Svet voice-overs that Zach is freaking her out, saying that they could get electrocuted if they stand in water. As they get to lower floors, the damage is getting worse and worse. We see a trashed hotel room with broken windows. John voice-overs, "This is no longer a joke; this is really serious." Yeah, hurricanes were really fucking funny this year until Wilma. They finally get to the lobby to find it trashed. Everyone is standing around in the dark waiting in what looks to be a banquet room.
Outside. Wind. Roof. Flapping sign. And suddenly, Keith is there. Keith and his blurred-out shirt hug Paula. She camera-talks that he is even "prettier" than she remembered and she finally gets to see his beautiful blue eyes. Much prettier when they're not filled with homicidal drunken jealous rage, huh? Also: Honey, the spin of trying to get us to like him now isn't going to work. The damage has been done by...oh yeah, who was it that told all their business to the cameras? Oh yeah. You! Anyway, he's weasily and K-Fedish, hugging her with one arm, holding a Styrofoam cup with the other. (Ooh, I'll bet you ten dollars that he's dipping, and using that to spit tobacco juice. Take the bet! I dare you.) Paula camera-talks how great it is to be hugged by him and it's the nicest thing in the world to see him after all this time. They kiss. Keith jokes to her that who else would drive through a hurricane to see her. Paula camera-talks that if he ever drives through another one, she'll kill him. Not if he kills you first. Heh heh, gulp. Paula awkwardly introduces Keith to Zach. Zach camera-fros that it's ironic that Keith and Paula are seeing each other for the first time in a while in a hurricane shelter. They discuss how Keith just beat the hurricane to the hotel. Paula says that it meant the world to her. Although, I'd imagine that after putting you in the hospital, any non-violent gesture would be quite welcome. They kiss and talk in low voices.
Best New Comment From Keith's 96%-Unreadable MySpace Page: "heyy
i belive i had ur mom as a health teacher for the past 2 years n e ways whats up" Awesome. By the way, message to his friend "Steve": "Bro. You come across as very needy. If you back away a bit, do your own thing for a while, Keith will eventually come to you. Plus, I think you have a drinking problem. Good luck. Let us know how it goes."
Day. Calm. Wrecked pool. Puddles. Puddles. Ripped-out parking meter. Back in their room, Zach stands on the balcony. Shot of the skyline. Fucked-up hotel. The kids pack and since there's no power or plumbing, they're heading north. Zach makes baby-talk with Paula who is sad. She explains that she got to see Keith for three hours, but now they have to head north, and he's being taken away from her because of "Wilma." Yeah, Keith: Wilma's violent-est victim. Paula tells Zach that Keith's original plan was to come down to Key West with a few friends, but they were coming for Fantasy Fest, and now she has to wait and see if he's still coming the rest of the way. Uh, he couldn't make that commitment to see you if he wasn't also going to get to throw beads and see girls' titties? That's a bad sign...to add to the hundred others.
Packing. Packing. Packing. Burping. John tells us that they're leaving again to evacuate north, now to Orlando. Tyler wants to go to Disney World. Jose nonsensically says, "Let's do it up, Mystic Tan style." I'd rather they do it up Mystic River style. That would mean one of them would get brutally murdered and deposited in a park somewhere. Awesome.
The kids walk down the stairwell, babbling to themselves the whole time. They stand around outside waiting for something. It's windy and wet. They notice broken windows in the hotel above them. Svet jokes that Paula would have been blown out if a window had broken in their room. Heh. Zach camera-talks that they are vagabonds and have no place to go, no way to know what's going on back home. Nothing.
They get into the FORD!, sadly not ruined by Wilma. As they drive away, Tyler makes a crack that he won't leave Orlando without going to Disney World. They all laugh or pretend to.
On the ...the kids arrive back at Mystic Tan to find the place flooded. Svet talks to her mom, who calls Tyler a "lowlife." He overhears and snottily asks Paula whether her mother would like to talk to one of those "lowlifes." Probably not.