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Jose isn't doing his job as assistant manager, and that annoys Janelle, which in turn annoys Jose back. Tyler has friends come into town. The kids all get into a drunken food fight. Tyler's painting suffers damage...or is improved, depending on how you look at it. Jose and Paula kind of get into a fight. Zack is nervous about the grand opening of the store. Janelle and Jose clash again over the opening and then again walking home from the bars. Then Jose and Janelle separately annoy the roommates and friends and us with recaps of their fight. Grand opening. Janelle doesn't want anyone using her as an "escape goat." Tyler and Janelle model the swimwear the store is selling. A marching band plays. They raise money for AIDS. Bossman Ricky Croft gives the kids all their profits from the day. They go out drinking to celebrate and spend all their money on Jäger. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously...Janelle predicted that there will be some fighting; she said she can "intimidate" people at times. ("Intimidate," "blend into the background," same diff.) The salon opened. Paula went walnuts. Jose stood up for himself. His eyebrow waxing shone in the reflected glory.
Opening credits. Tired script. Bathing suits. Skin cancer.
Day. House. Deck. Stupid fucking statue. Jose sits in the hammock and makes a list, camera-waxing that he feels he's not pulling his weight as assistant manager, and Zach needs to realize they are a team. Oh please oh please let this whole episode be about the delicate manager/assistant manager relationship! Oh please!
Well, it looks promising, as Janelle, driving with Tyler and Zach, asks Zach what Jose is doing as ass. man. (Ass man!) Zach says that he himself has taken over the opening and feels like it's his fault that Jose now has nothing to do. (Tyler took over an opening just two episodes ago!) Zach thinks he could delegate better. He could also groom better. Janelle asks Zach if she can borrow Jose for help with marketing to local businesses, since she's been busy hitting up all the local hotel "con-see-airs." Janelle camera-snots that she's been very busy. (Perhaps she should find some time in her busy schedule to read a dictionary. Or maybe those nineteen coats of lip-liner take all her precious free time to apply.)
Water. Water. Houses. Deck. Paula's spotted chest and Svet discuss Jose. He's very young and doesn't know how to talk -- he speaks over his emotions, ignoring them in the process. "It's empty," says Paula. Svet says he makes her uncomfortable. Paula thinks one day he'll snap; Svet wants Jose's eventually postal-going to be "mean and funny." Paula receives $100 in foreshadowing money from the episode producer for saying, "Jose's the kind of person that you don't want to see him mad, because it'll take it to a place he never wants to go." Cha-ching!
House. Day. Office. With Tyler's awesome painting as a backdrop, Janelle rudely grills Jose on what he's been doing as assistant blah blah blah. What the fuck authority does Janelle have to grill him? Jose outranks her. "Bitch, drop and give me fifty!" he should say. Instead, Jose's face goes dark and he complains that everyone is taking his duties away. Janelle snottily says that Jose is getting defensive. Zach looks down, letting his unusually-droopy jewfro hide his eyes. They go back and forth pseudo-politely until Janelle gives Jose a lesson on "marketing." She says that you have to "focus," and that she's starting at "the top," starting with "hotel con-sea-airs." Jose listens to her, positively sneering. He camera-brows that Janelle thinks she's a diva and that she's better than everyone. Janelle wants him to go out in a two-mile radius and hit up businesses. He says that he has been. She says the two-mile radius is his "position," and is thus his to "control." Um, are they still talking about their tanning salon? I'm getting confused. Dramatic music. Jose tells us that Janelle is rude.
House. Night. On the security cameras, Tyler watches the arrival of his friends from home. He's nervous and excited to have a "taste of home." They play a lame joke where they pretend to not know this "Tyler" of whom the friends speak. The friends enter. Hugs all around. Janelle hypothesizes that it must be nice for Tyler to have friends from home. Quelle passive-aggressive.
Night. Bars. The friends. Friends. John tells us that Tyler's friends are cool. Paula gets a kiss from Tyler. She tells us that she's refusing shots she's being offered. Aw. I like it when she goes walnuts. Tyler tells his friends about Paula's drinking problem/split personality, and a pudgy, red-faced guy asks Paula what "brings this on." Paula and Tyler babble and joke. Paula camera-scabs that the doctor doesn't want her to do any more shots, so she hasn't had one in two weeks. It's good that her roommates are proud of her. Yeah, they just don't want their cabinets getting kicked in. Laughter. Drinking.
Key West. Key West. House. House. Another stupid statue. Voices. Kitchen. The kids get into a food fight. Chocolate sauce and other stuff. Man, they are going to be grounded. John and Red Face wrestle like Ennis and Jack trying to keep warm in a tent. Oh no! The art world weeps as the friend kicks over Tyler's "Red God" masterpiece. John then grabs Janelle and throws her into the hot tub. Sadly, she does not drown.
Later. Tyler cleans. Paula says that John is an asshole but that she loves him. Tyler tries to scrub the impossible brown chocolate stains out of the rug. (I'm sure that's not that first time he's had to do that. Zing!) Tyler jokingly regrets inviting his friends over. Jose starts scrubbing and then yells at Paula for talking smack. Paula tells us that Jose's going off was weird, and that she thinks "that's the real Jose." Jose proudly camera-Polos that he's been passive so much lately, and that he's not going to "do that anymore." Jose yells at Paula, but clearly it's all in fun. For them, if not for us. Because, you know, not for us. Commercials.
Beach. Water. Driving. FORD! Zach and Tyler. Zach says he's worried about letting people down with the Grand Opening. Tyler says that he's aware of this fact, and that Zach has told him about thirty times. Heh. Dick. Tyler says that he need not be nervous, and that it'll be fine. Then he tells us that the opening will be "absurd" and "humorous." Sort of like Tyler himself.
Water. Key West. Houses. Street. Cars. Salon. SIDEKICK! Jose talks on the SIDEKICK! to a tech who tries to talk him through fixing the broken tanning booths. Heh. What a nonsense fucking business they're running. Jose tells us that he needs to step up. Whatever. The booths are back online. Jose then tells the crew about going to hotels the day and offering the "con-sea-airs" (him too!) free tans, some of whom refused the freebie. Janelle is pissed. She camera-brats that Jose stepped on her pedicured toes. Janelle finally speaks the looming truth: "There's a potential for Mystic Tan to be a failure." That should be what's printed on their stupid t-shirts.
Key West. Key West. Other car. Janelle bitches to John about Jose having stepped on her hotel-marketing toes. Wah.
Night. Bar. Tyler's friends are still there. Tyler does the unthinkable: instead of dishing, he spends time complimenting Jose to his friends. He thinks Jose is from the 'hood and turned out so level-headed. Oh, you just like him because he's gayer than you. Tyler tells us that Jose is "deep" and has lots of insight on life. But the true Tyler cannot be tied down for long, and immediately starts dissing Janelle to his friends, saying that Janelle thought "PR" meant "Personal Relations." He laughs like a hyena. It's not that funny. But then Tyler tells us, "Janelle, as pretentious as she is sometimes..." And here you think he's going to say something nice. But no. "...She says really stupid things, periodically." Heee.
Street. Janelle struts down the street to inform Tyler and the friends that they're going to a different bar, and then out dancing.
Other bar. Dancing. Dancing. Jose dances like a fool. Janelle wipes her ass on the counter. Janelle camera-talks, telling us that they have a big day so she's trying to get everyone to hurry home. So now they're walking and Janelle is bratting about how slow everyone is going and Svet is bitching and Paula is bitching and Janelle yells some more (in a ludicrously, like, firing-level-bad edit using a totally different shot and obvious voice-over) and finally Jose snaps and yos, "Can you hold up and wait? We'll walk at our pace and that's it, yo. I'm over you, your shit, yo." Janelle then steps to him and tells him not to talk to her like that. Janelle pushes Jose and Jose tries to avoid her, telling her that she is "nobody" to him. Yikes. The others are trying to calm them down, but it's escalating and Jose is "yo"-ing all over the place and Janelle is raising the two roses she's carrying to him and Jose asks Zach to get Janelle out of his face and her voice is rising and rising and suddenly Jose says that they're all "equals" and she needs to stop walking around with her nose in the air. More fighting. Fighting. Finger-pointing. Flower-waving. Commercials.
Night. Key West. Finger-pointing. Jose says that he's not scared of Janelle and that he will punch her in the face. Whoa! Tyler earns a few bucks from B/M by saying that he had to hold Janelle back and that "anything could happen because they are pissed." They finally all get into the car.
House. House. Stupid statue. House. Office. Tyler, friend, and Zach sit around as Janelle babbles about Jose and how she's not going to talk to him anymore. God, she loves this. Tyler laughs. Then Tyler breaks it the fuck down: "Janelle has this mentality that she thinks she is basically Mariah Carey or Beyoncé, without the actual talent." Ooh, snap! But also, to be fair, I thought Mariah Carey was Mariah Carey without the talent. Montage of Janelle talking and finger-waving. Zach eats. Tyler laughs.
Statue. Platypus. Rooster. (I'm not kidding.) Alcove off the deck. Poor Katie, Tyler's sweet-faced blonde guest, has to sit with Jose, all high on telling off Janelle. He talks about it. He talks. He talks. He's going to fight fire with fire, he says. He talks about what more mature people might have done. Katie talks about staying out of conflict and how he might have handled it better. Jose pats himself on the back some more. Here's how I know Jose is gay: he's not trying to mack on Katie, drunk in a private alcove.
House. Water. Night. Morning. Fast clouds. House. Leaves. House. Bathroom I've Never Seen. Janelle and Paula. Janelle tells Paula she now thinks Jose is insecure and that's why he yelled at her. As she puts on makeup, Janelle goes on to invent a term I now love and will use as often as I can: she says that Jose used her as an "escape goat" for his insecurity. Escape Goat! Love. Paula doesn't bat an eyelash. Either equally dumb or kind. Janelle camera-talks that people are quick to judge her as being stuck-up, but that she doesn't think it's true. Quick cut to her, amazing body and tiny skirt, finger-waving and doing a fairly good charade clue for "stuck-up." Her speech continues, but I can't listen to it.
Key West. Key West. Street. Streets. Salon. It's Opening Day! A few sad balloons. A few sad customers. Some food from SUBWAY! (C'mon, that's not fair that they get sponsored food to give away for their-- Oh no, look at me all caring and shit. Sorry. As you were.) Tyler struts through the store, past an impressed Bossman Ricky Croft, wearing just a tiny bathing suit. He voice-overs that they're trying to hawk clothes, so they decided to do a little fashion show. Tyler is way more excited about his body than perhaps anyone else there is, but the kid has balls. I know, I can see them. Tyler manages to mention -- in another wretchedly-cut sound drop -- that they also sell SPEEDO! merchandise. Fuckin' B/M whores. Janelle joins him in the modeling, and they go outside and pose against a cop car. Please, arrest them for indecent corporate pimpage. Please. There are seriously about five people at this Grand Opening. It's not very Grand (but funny).
Inside. Another five people, plus some crew members posing as customers. Zach tells us that five dollars of each tan is going towards AIDS. Well, actually, I'm pretty sure the money is going against AIDS. AIDS doesn't need any more money. Zach babbles to us that he'll be happy if the Grand Opening goes well and also they're helping the community of Key West. And hurting AIDS.
Outside. A high-school marching band plays in the hot sun. Poor kids. They then also have to suffer the indignity of not only the editors piping in other professional marching-band music instead of playing their shitty audio, but also Tyler krumping and vogueing in front of them. Janelle shakes her head for the rest of us. The kids watch, pretending to be proud of themselves. The anti-AIDS guy makes another little speech, and Zach camera-fros about being proud.
Bossman Ricky Croft reveals that they brought in $1309 for the day. He asks the mathly-challenged Svet what her cut comes out to be. She has no idea, so Paula has to rescue her. Paula then tells us that the seven kids are supposed to be splitting half of the money they make at the salon. Bossman Ricky Croft, in serious need of a Mach 3, reveals that he's going to give them all of the money from the opening. "Thanks, Dad!" says Paula. BRC beams. Zach camera-frats that this was great because they need money. For whaaaaat?
CUT TO: Bars! Of course. They need booze money! Janelle decides to ruin Paula's night by still talking about her Jose fight; she says that she'll forgive if he apologizes, but that she'll never forget. Why do people enjoy verbalizing every thought that goes on in their heads? Paula tells us that Janelle just writes people off. Janelle still babbles in Paula's hungry, scabbed ear, saying that Janelle's "not a hateful person." Okay, whatever you say. And in B/M's constant weird effort to wrap up each episode's drama as neatly as possible, Paula mentions that Jose is sensitive, and so suddenly Janelle camera-justifies that Jose is insecure, and so the fact that his lashing-out came out of that makes it easier for her to forget. Or something.
Streets. Streets. Street. Jose ruins Svet and Paula's night by talking about the fight. He says he shouldn't have cursed Janelle out like he did, but he told himself he was going to be honest and true to his feelings from now on. "Don't take it back!" says Svet. Nice, Svet. Paula drops some knowledge, telling us that without fights, you can't have resolutions, and you can't grow. Jose hugs Paula. Jose camera-brows that perhaps he and Janelle will be able to sit down in the future and work it out. Jose babbles some more about being true to himself. Paula is happy for him. So is some smiley David Faustino-looking guy standing by and watching. The kids walk. The kids walk. A bus almost runs them all over. Almost.
A quick MTV Overdrive clip shows Bossman Ricky Croft chewing out Zach in the storage room. Ooh, why doesn't stupid MTV.com support Mac? Worst fucking chaotic dumbshit hard-to-navigate website ever.
This season...The kids ride a Mystic Tan float. Skinny-dip. Dance in some foreign land. What looks like Paula and John make out on the bed in a hotel. Tyler and Zach try to watch from the hall. Ew and ew. Svet's horrible Russian Mafioso boyfriend comes to visit. Paula, clearly not taking her shrink's advice about no shots, drunkenly screams at Tyler. Janelle yells at some dreadlocked Rasta. Said Rasta goes to a hotel instead of staying with Janelle. Heh. Good move. John calls Tyler a piece of shit. Paula cries to her boyfriend on the phone, telling him she's "always punished" for what was his fault. Another hurricane! The kids head to the basement of some hotel, scared. And that's it! Smell ya later!