I'm sure Almodovar really appreciates the shout-out.
So, this opening. Continues to numb and fascinate. Why is everyone moving so slowly in it? It's like they are operating in a fog of alcohol and a diet of bread sticks dipped in ranch. Oh, right.
Hey, it's Eric's birthday! He gets a cake brought to him in bed. At night. He and B-rad are both snoozing in their bunk bed when the whole house comes in with the cake. Ah, the disco nap. I haven't had one of those in far too long. Big Easy narrates that everyone better get their party hats on.
Party cam cuts to a sad house dance party. Jenn! He did not mention that everyone should don their dental dams! She is taking this miniature dance party entirely too seriously and sexily. Various hijinks ensue, including Aneesa giving Big Easy a lap dance in a very skimpy bikini, and Isaac getting in on the lap dance action in his tighty whities. Isaac interviews that this is his first challenge and he's having a great time. Oh, goodbye Isaac. I am sure you will be leaving us tonight now that you just said that.
(Also in there somewhere was footage of Paula and Dunbar snuggling. WHY GOD WHY?)
MJ pulls Isaac aside and assures him that the Meat Necks all really like Isaac, so he'll be sticking around a while. MJ notices Isaac swaying on his feet and tells the kid he's about to pass out. Cut to Isaac passed out in the chair. What comes ? Sharpie on the face, of course. And then Landon pulls out a real oldie but goodie: clipping the passed-out-drunk person's toenails. WHAT? Landon. You beguile me.
Meanwhile, Ruthie and Diem strew flower petals down the hallway to Brad and Tori's bed. The lovebirds discover the flower petals which provide Brad the opportunity to furrow his brow in an interview and declare how much he loves Tori (now that he's lived with her a month and proposed to her [a month?!]) and that it isn't his game or her game: "It's our game."
Dunbar and Paula indulge in their complete beside-the-pointness. Dunbar regrets giving MJ his bed in the Meat Neck room, because now he's not a part of all the conversations they have in there. Yeah. "Conversations." He bitches about how Isaac shouldn't be a part of the Meat Neck crew, and Paula assures him he isn't. Then they discuss Landon, who Dunbar declares is "weird." Dunbar's fearful labeling of everyone as "weird" is like just one of the many horrible personal traits he has.
Ruthie and Aneesa strategize outside. Ruthie is a wildcard, no one ever knows what she's thinking. Aneesa thinks Isaac is going to be in the bottom; Ruthie and Isaac are partners, so Ruthie gets worried. Aneesa interviews that the only thing she's looking out for is her "black ass." Somewhere, Tyrie shouts, "Hey, my black ass is the one that always talks about my black ass!"
Inside, everyone is telling "stories." Which apparently have been written down and go something like this: "Landon cut off Isaac's toenails and then skipped over the mountains. The End." Really, that was one of the stories. Is this why publishing is dying? Isaac interviews that he'd been growing out his toenails for four months and goes into this whole schtick about how evil it was for Landon to cut them.
Challenge. "Don't Let Go," on a bridge over a huge gorge. Teej explains the rules: guy/girl partners. One gets attached to a bungee rope/swing thing, the other stands on a platform. They have to hold onto one another's arms for as long as possible; when they lose their grip, the suspended person will go into a 200-foot free-fall swing. Longest time holding on to one another wins.
Commercials. Dunbar and Paula go first. Of course it's going to be the girls free-falling through all this. They hold on for a little while, then Paula slips out of Dunbar's grasp and goes free-falling down into the gorge. Everyone loses sight of her for a minute until she comes swinging out. It's pretty crazy. Paula interviews that you can't even scream during the free-fall part, it's so terrifying. Derek and Kimberly go . If only the equipment would fail here. (It doesn't, though Kimberly does figure out a way to complain about something while being suspended over a 200-foot drop.) Jenn and Eric go and talk to each other kind of pornily while doing it-- "C'mon babe, yeah babe, that's right babe." Various other folks go. Diem and Evan go and Diem closes her eyes and nearly starts speaking in tongues to Evan to keep him from letting go of her.
Commercials. Evan interviews that he just gets sick of Diem's chicken calling so basically lets her go. The line forms to the left, ladies. Mark and Rachel go, and of course Rachel has to make everyone else look like a dumbass. She points out that all the other girls were just hanging; she's using her own strength to help support her weight. They hang on for a long time. Everyone finishes up, Teej tells us that Mark and Rachel win. Mark celebrates by reminding us all how old he is and doing the Arsenio Hall call.
Back at the house, the jostling begins. Brad, Tori and Diem discuss. I literally have no idea what the issue is, but all of a sudden, Brad and Tori are disagreeing. Tori wants to make some sort of move, because she thinks being at "the bottom" lets you control the game. Brad doesn't want to make waves. Tori interviews that Brad is really trustworthy and nice. Brad bitches with Big Easy that he feels like he's playing "her game" right now, and sacrificing his own game. What happened to "our game," Brad? See, this is what happens when you get "marriage" and "The Challenge" mixed up in your mind. Brad interviews that he really hopes "Tori and myself can keep things together." Ever notice how often Brad refers to himself as "myself?" It's kind of fantastic.
Kimberly is nervous about being called out. Isaac is, too. Kimberly hopes someone might call Brittini out, because she's a rookie and has a good partner, Landon. Flash back to the ice block challenge: grainy footage of Landon, wide-open expectant grin on his face as he splays out on the ice in a speedo and nothing else. It's like footage from one of Scott Hamilton's dreams. Isaac gets back on the stupid toenail subject WHICH I REFUSE TO RECAP.
Mark and Rachel decide to start with Landon to ensure most of their people stay safe. Rachel and Brittini and Ruthie talk. Rachel says she and Mark are just letting the list play itself out. Ruthie thinks she's lying because she keeps saying "you know." Then a bunch of nonsense about "playing the game" and scheming. Rachel interviews that Ruthie is her biggest competition and she's not looking out for her.
More interminable talking about "the game." Evan interview-- dude what is UP with the Arafat scarves reduplicating around everyone's necks? I do love how silly and small the scarf looks around Evan's fat non-hipster neck, though. Cut to an interview with Brittini who apparently really needs to win the Challenge because she's obviously been cutting her own bangs by putting a bowl over her head to save cash. What are they saying in these interviews you ask? Who cares, I answer.
Tori and Brad are arguing. She points out that his "friends" are always telling him who to pick. Brad thinks she's being disrespectful, and that furthermore, she needs to respect the list! He interviews that when you really do the math there, it comes down to scratching other people's backs so they'll scratch yours. Somewhere in the room Kimberly complains that she didn't know she was going to have to do math there. Brad tells Tori that she's not making any sense. Tori interviews that she doesn't want to keep with the list because that doesn't have any integrity. Back in the room, Brad starts raising his voice, and Tori school marmily reminds him to be respectful and keep his voice down. He doesn't know what she wants from him, and then yells "You want me to go in? I'll go in!" Tori marms that he's looking stupid now, and Brad tells her to get out of his room. She leaves, but makes sure to sweetly tell him that she loves him as she does. Man, that lady would drive anyone to.... uh, overserious, brow-furrowing interviewing? Because that's where Brad's driven to. He thinks that their argument is making them both check out of the game.
Outside with MJ, Brad vents and makes me love him forever. He says that Tori's all like "he's your friend, and he's not your friend" and Brad is just like "What are you, a friend evaluator now?" Oooh, that would have been a major burn if he had said that to her. Talk about a "jerk store" line. "What are you, a friend evaluator?" Brad continues, heatedly telling MJ that he just thinks she's blowing their chances at all this money. "I'm not bein' mean, I'm frustrated!" MJ tells him to agree to disagree with her, and they fist bump with the easiness of dumb men.
They all gather in the front yard for their Kickball Team picking. It goes smoothly, until we get to Tori, who ultimately caves and picks MJ like Brad and everyone told her to. But then Aneesa picks Eric, when she had told Ruthie she'd pick Isaac. Aneesa interviews to explain to us how this could have happened: "People told me to pick Easy and I was like, 'okay!'"
In the end, we're left with Isaac and Ruthie. Ruthie picks Kimberly. Isaac picks Landon. Landon interviews that he doesn't know why Isaac would pick him. Isaac explains: it's about the toenails. He grew them out for six (now it's six) months! Flashback again to Landon clipping his toenails, and, fine, I'm worn down now. I admit: I chuckled at Isaac's stupid hamming. They pick their games. The girls will play "Back Off"-- one of the many tugging games there are. Isaac picks "Spot on"-- the puzzle, climbing thing.
Kimberly is sure she's going home. America agrees. Ruthie realizes that the "whole pack" is against her now, and she needs to make sure to win. Landon still doesn't understand, dontchaknow? And Isaac frightens me a bit by going overboard with the shit talk about taking down the first BLEEP he sees every BLEEPIN' day, "bitch."
Commercials. The boys are going first. Landon thinks the competition is 50/50. Evan interviews that Landon is his biggest threat, so if Isaac can pull off the upset of the century, that's great for him. Why would Isaac winning be an "upset" exactly? They seem like the same size and same jockiness. I apparently am missing some slight distinction that these connoisseurs are able to appreciate. They start. They're neck in neck. Jenn interviews that Isaac is quicker than she thought he'd be. Oh, goodbye Isaac.
Landon interviews that he is totally focused on himself! His puzzle! His wall! And, then, Isaac loses. He says his goodbyes and interviews that Landon earned the victory. He's an amazing athlete, and he can compete "at this level and beyond." Isaac says he'll come back in a year and a half "looking like Landon." Yes, after some steroids and Build-a-Bear Workshops.
The girls go . This is the one where they need to grapple and try to grab a hook off the back of their opponent. They start and Ruthie gets into her stance and starts staring Kimberly down. Eric interviews that Ruthie looks like she's out for blood and Kimberly looks like a scared kitten. Cut to Kimberly in the ring, just sort of looking off to the side, like my dog does when he wants to pretend that he doesn't exist. They start grappling, everyone interviews about what a better fight Kimberly is putting up than they expected. They both end up on the ground, Ruthie gets Kimberly's hook, but then Kimberly gets Ruthie's -- because they're both just sort of sitting there? Kind of still?-- and since they're near Kimberly's side, she can get the hook on her ring faster than Ruthie can. So Kimberly gets a point.
Commercials. They start again. Evan interviews that Kimberly looks like a "show cat" and Ruthie a "deranged monkey." Helpful as always, Evan. This time goes just like the first time, Kim draws Ruthie to her side of the ring and ends up getting the hook off Ruthie first. Kimberly wins. I am fighting with every fibre in my being any positive feelings toward Kimberly, but I have to admit she looks admirably mortified to have had to do what she just did as Teej congratulates her and sends her back to the team. I appreciate her ability to be embarrassed by this whole thing.
Ruthie says her goodbyes. She interviews that she's kind of relieved to not go back into that house. Back in the house, Kimberly is very proud of herself. Aneesa is happy because she doesn't need to explain anything to Ruthie now. Outside, the guys can't believe that Ruthie lost to Kimberly. "It just goes to show anyone can go at any time" blah blah blah. Evan shills about how if you thought it was bloody and perverse before, well NOW the Duel has begun. Evan, no one is buying what you are selling. Now, what Katie is ("was," sniff) selling? I'll buy that shit by the dozen.
Oh, god. Over on The Ballad of Brad and Tori. They're still "processing." Tori thinks Brad should know that girls play the game more on emotions. The best part about this is that Tori has some kind of skin mask slathered over her face. So it's hard to take her totally seriously when she chokes up a bit to Brad, telling him that she didn't think she was playing for herself, she thought she was playing for him, because she thought they were on, sniff, the same team. She sobs a bit as she tells him that she made a mistake and that when he asked her to marry him and said he'd stand by her through everything and this is just a game and and and. Cut over to Brad who may as well have a speech bubble full of question marks coming out of his head. He tells her that everything is fine, she just needs to tell him what she wants to do from here on out. Tori is off the handle a bit and she cries that she just wants to do whatever it takes to stay there with him. Or, you know, she'll get on a plane and go home if he wants that, too. Brad: More question marks. Oh, Venus and Mars. Tori collapses her face-masked face into his lap and he tells her that he doesn't care about the game, just her. Brad interviews that they are opposites but they complete each other. He doesn't want anything to come between Tori and....you guessed it: "and myself." Tori sobs that she just loves him so much. Brad pauses and then mutters, "Me, too."