Way to ease us in MTV. We start immediately with Evan's fat head blathering, and then cut to Evan in a field molesting a bunch of sheep. Not a euphemism. He's feeling like he's on top of the game. Looks to me like the game wishes you weren't so on top of them.
Tori is starting to get bored with hanging out with these people who just get drunk and yell every night. Sing it, sister. Ruthie notes that the same people are always in the power positions.
Pan in on the house from outside. It's night. The only sound one hears in the clear New Zealand night is... Katie screaming "Whooo waaants to wreestttleee?" She interviews that every Challenge gets dirty. Her dimples twinkle. Cut back to her and Derek wrestling. Then she and Ruthie wrestling. Diem interviews that Katie is hilarious and willful and strong. PLEASE GOD DON'T SEND KATIE HOME. Why do they have to telegraph this shit like this?
Jenn tells Rachel that she doesn't need her vote, then interviews about how "close" she and Rachel were on The Island and how Rachel's been acting like she doesn't even know her this time. Flashback to Rachel on The Island talking about making out with Jenn. Back in New Zealand, Jenn claims to be heartbroken by how Rachel is treating her. Rachel is not looking at her, just running her finger around the edge of a glass, clearly thinking Jenn is all freshman-in-college fake lesbian drama. Rachel interviews that Jenn was kind of cold to her after The Island, but back in New Zealand, Jenn's gotten all dorm-room het up again: "I either have to quit the game or quit you."
Morning. Challenge. Nonsensical slow motion footage. Teej! The challenge is "Luging My Mind." Teej tells the players: "As you can see behind me, there are two giant luges." See, now I'm going to have to make that my Facebook status tomorrow morning, and the only person that's going to get it is Joe R. So the deal is a relay race. The get into girl/guy pairs, each complete a luge run, and then they have to solve a puzzle.
But Teej has "one more thing" about the Challenge he needs to tell them about. He comes back and we don't see what he has but everyone starts pointing and laughing as we go to commercial.
We come back and find out that the one more thing is they have to do the entire Challenge wearing "a giant, life-sized bobble head." Basically, they all have to wear enormous lamp shades with their picture emblazoned around them on their heads as they luge down a paved road. Sigh.
The teams split up, and the guys head up the hill to get to the luges. It's so "funny" to watch them wear these $3 lamp shades on their heads. Brad interviews, again with his wish-it-were-mock seriousness, about how first of all, it's not comfortable to run with a giant lampshade on your head and second of all it makes you feel like you really don't know what the hell you're doing. Like, with your life? Brad: Telling It Like It Is.
Landon and Evan get into their luges first and head down the road. This is some 80s era Action Park shit right here. My brother got so fucked up on the Alpine Slide one summer. And, just so you know, by "Alpine Slide" they really meant "Asphalt Slide." (I highly recommend you follow the link to the Wikipedia entry on Action Park, it's mind-blowing.)
So the boys slide down the hill, and then tag the girls in. Of course, in Dunbar's case, it's more like *cough* abusively *cough* tackle Paula in. The girls bobble head their way up and then hop in the luges and come back down. Diem interviews about something, but I can't hear what she's saying because I am marveling at how awfully Raggedy Ann her hair is. As in a Raggedy Ann doll, you know, with the yarn for hair? Diem has yarn for hair. Diem crosses the finish first, then Brittini. So now it's Evan and Diem, Brittini and Landon onto the puzzle. Paula interviews, very helpfully, that it's just going to come down to who can get done the quickest. Yes. That is how races work, Paula.
Commercials. Puzzle Madness!!!! Er, or Puzzle zzzzzzzz. Diem: "Literally, we're moving L-shaped things into every single situation." Diem, please don't kiss and tell what CT says to you at night. Some more puzzle-solving, which MTV just doesn't even bother to set to music, just sad ambient puzzle-piece clacking. Kind of like a strange auditory glimpse into Robin's brain.
Brittini and Landon win! And then, here comes Katie, who didn't even make it to the puzzle before it was solved. Smoke break, girl! Brittini interviews, continuing to imply to me that I should attempt to figure out who she is. I continue to ignore such implications.
Back at the house, Jenn and Paula talk in the closet. Jenn's shoulder got messed up during the Challenge. She's going to see the doctor, but is already talking about going home. Paula worries that her head isn't in the game, and she needs Jenn on her side.
We follow Jenn out to a car that she is going to drive to the doctor. As she drives off, it appears she's in a 1992 Protege. Way to spring for transportation, MTV! Inside, Landon and Brittini put together the Biblical Kickball Team list. They're deciding to save Rachel, who has had both of their backs before.
Jenn gets back from the doctor, who has told her that her shoulder is sprained and recommends that she go home. She tells Derek, and then interviews that she doesn't know what to do. She's of two minds. Thankfully, she calls the part that thinks she should just screw the possibility of permanent damage and go for the "stupid part."
Commercials. Nehemiah has made a little "Zen" area in his bedroom. You know, some plants and rocks and quotes. Jenn comes in to talk with him, still not knowing what she's going to do. Oh, but wait, then suddenly she does know! She's staying! The Zen Buddha has told her to; it shall be so!
The camera literally scurries outside where Dunbar, Landon, and MJ are bitching about the quotes Nehemiah has been putting up in their room. Landon thinks that the new one is directed at him. "Don't play God," it recommends. Landon, I don't know if anyone would ever confuse you with God. Dunbar thinks that Nehemiah is a really weird dude. Like, "there's some transcendental shit going on in that room." Cut inside, to Nehemiah's little Pier 1 "Zen" collection. I'm thinking Dunbar has seen weirder back in Yoknapatawpha.
Night. Katie and Ruthie sit in the grass talking about how they're outsiders and at risk. Katie narrates that it seems like Brittini, Tori, and Rachel are the girls on top every week but can't wait for week when she will "flip the switch." Executioner style? I really love these two girls sitting cross-legged in their jammie pants in the grass, all strategizing how they're going to take Brittini and Tori down.
Kickball Team time. Nehemiah interviews that it's going the same way it goes every time. Meaning that left over are Paula, Jenn, Nehemiah, and Dunbar. Paula gets picked, meaning that Jenn's going into the Duel. Then Paula pulls a real bitch move, expounding on her choosing Dunbar (like she always does) that she's doing it because Jenn certainly wants Nehemiah's support in the Duel. Who will Nehemiah pick to go against? The overenunciative clashing on the soundtrack wants us to care, but we don't really, do we?
Commercials. Nehemiah picks Evan. Evan interviews that he's pissed; he doesn't understand why he keeps getting picked. He tells Nehemiah that this was a "gutless move." Which is sort of not complimentary to himself, right? If Nehemiah is gutless, he's picking the easiest competitor, right? Ergo... It's Jenn's turn; she picks Katie, telling Katie that it's not because she thinks she can beat her, it's just she thinks they'll have a good time in the Duel together. Katie just shrugs her shoulders. It's true, this girl could have a good time at the DMV. They pick their games. The boys will play "The Elevator." The girls "Push Over."
Evan interviews that his arms and back are tired from the last Duel, so he's afraid right now. Bluff. Calling it. Katie, Ruthie, and Eric get Katie ready for her Challenge. Eric gives her advice for how to knock a bitch over, and then lets Katie come at him with a bunch of shoulder checks to practice. My heart is so warmed by the sight of Katie shoulder checking Big Easy. Eric thinks Katie has the fire that will help her win. Of course, Jenn's shoulder injury in a game that's basically about shoulder checking should help, too.
Jenn packs her bag when Rachel comes by to ask if she needs anything. Rachel interviews that she has a weakness for Jenn. Outside, Evan bitches to Paula that his arms are sore and tired. He bitches that Nehemiah wants to make a power play but won't call out MJ or Brad. Nehemiah sits inside his Pier 1 "Zen" collection thinking about $3.99/strand prayer beads.
The Duel. The boys will go first. They each sit on platforms and try to raise the other one up by pulling on a chain. Whoever gets his opponent to the top first wins. Nehemiah thinks he can win. MJ interviews that he doesn't like Nehemiah. He's just so "uncomfortable." He's "weird." With his grinning and all. MJ: fine line there. Ruthie interviews that she's rooting for the underdog, no offense to Evan. They start, and everyone interviews about how great Nehemiah is doing. Which means: he's going to lose. Evan is admittedly looking rather lumbering and as we cut to commercials, he seems to be trying to get out of a sitting position, which is against the rules, which Teej is gently trying to point out in the background.
Commercials. The boys are still at it. Nehemiah interviews that he can't even think about defeat because the minute you start to, "it manifests into your existence." Geez, there's not a whole lot I like LESS than Evan these days, but Nehemiah, your strip-mall Buddhism is definitely one of them. Shut it. It's pretty close in the end, but Nehemiah loses, which MTV telegraphed to us so handily with all the overreaching interviews about how poorly Evan was doing. Evan interviews that Nehemiah is a fun sponge. That's what Landon said.
Girls Duel. Push Over is basically what it sounds like: they have to try and push the other off a platform twice. Jenn is worried about her shoulder. Air horn. Isaac interviews that he thinks Katie will win. But just then, Katie tumbles off the platform. Paula interviews that she needs Jenn to stay. But then, Jenn tumbles off. Third try, whoever wins stays. They run at one another and then...
Commercials. Come back and BOOOOOOOOO. Katie loses. God, this is the WORST Duel ever. Robin? Ryan? Davis? Brooke? Katie? All gone?
Katie interviews that she's a sore loser. She's pissed, embarrassed and all that. She hugs it out and takes her leave. Later on, Evan rips Nehemiah' quote off the door. Flashback to Evan and the sheep.
Well, Evan can have his sheep, because the ladies know how to do it right. Rachel and Jenn are out on the lawn wrestling. Sexy wrestling. They saunter back into the house and we quickly cut to loudly miked heavy breathing and moaning. This is a special kind of sonar that calls all the perverted sea mammals over to the bedroom door to listen. So everyone is running around outside, trying to hear Rachel and Jenn have sex. Paula interviews that she's "curious. Bi-curious." Inside the bedroom, Rachel speaks entirely too earnestly to Jenn under the covers, telling her that this is all really special. Jenn tells Rachel that she loves her. To seal it, Challenge style, Paula busts in and jumps on top of the two young lovers. Rachel interviews sillily that Jenn is "so pretty and so hot" and Jenn interviews that when you like someone you like someone and pretty much something is slipping in somewhere. (I added that last part, but, dude, remember when she accidentally had sex with Alex in Denver?). They giggle and basically have a nice naked time. Happy endings all around! Sorry.
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