We open on Mr. Bananas telling us who's on what alliance. In the shocker of the century, Paula the Good and Generally Reasonable is aligned with Bananas, JaBrohanna, Derrick, and Dunbar. Then on the other side we have Rachel and her, as Bananas calls it, "band of feminazi misfits." Paula, don't vote with those guys!
On the other hand, switching allegiance, for Paula, would mean aligning herself with Kellyanne, who is truly and not jokingly clearly schizophrenic. She and Bananas get into another argument over who cooks the meat. During this argument she 1) stabs at the table with a knife and 2) goes all Sybil on him, speaking in some strange persona that makes no sense and then 3) lowers her voice and tells Bananas that she "curses him everyday." Oookay.
Ev tries to cool Kellyanne down, telling her that these games usually unfold "the way they should" and Bananas will get his comeuppance.
Leaving Sybil behind, we pan over to another cabana to catch Robin doing her best Marlon Brando in On the Waterfront while talking to Derrick: "D, I just wanna know what it feels like to win." Another way in which she is like Marlon Brando is the way she is dramatically sprawled sideways on the bed, wearing a sports bra and bikini bottoms. Not that Brando ever did that, but did I just make you picture him doing so? My work then is done. Derrick interviews that Robin is getting crazy paranoid. We know what happens when it gets to that point. We all win. I'm a little bit sad right now because that line -- "D, I wanna know what it feels like to win"-- was 99% of the reason why I am watching this show this year. And now it's over! Oh well. Maybe I can somehow make that my ringtone.
Rachel is droning on at Ryan about how she "used" to be on these Challenges. Oh, is there anything sadder in the world? No. Her thesis this year is that it's not about alliances, but rather deep, deep relationships. Like the shoulder-shrugger of a relationship she has with Jenn?
Dinnertime. Ryan's portion of fish has gone missing. JaBrohanna tells him that it was Robin that took it. Come on, you've seen that lady's chest. She's eating for at least two! Johanna is draped all over Kenny. Robin comes over and they all start getting into it, despite Kenny's best attempts to smack Johanna across the face to shut her up. Ah, Jersey Boys. Things get screechy (well, screechy on Johanna's part and practically infrasonic on Robin's) so I can't really tell what's going on, just that Johanna wants to know what Robin's problem with her is. Oh, please do tell.
Derrick pulls Robin aside onto the deck and asks why she's letting Johanna bitch her out. Robin calls back into the house to Johanna, asking her if she's ready for a Face Off. Johanna snarks at Robin about that making her feel like a better woman and then admits that she doesn't want to ever do a Face Off. Then she tells us that she's just going to wait until the last week when someone is going to give her a key. And in a brief moment of complete brilliance, Robin shouts, "So that's your game plan? You're going to fuck your way to the end?" Everyone "ooohs" at the supposed low blow. Then Robin starts clapping in this sort of primitive way and Johanna comes down to get face to face and, wow, this is AWESOME!
Johanna, who has crossed the line from Cartel Mistress to Alley Trash, gets in Robin's face and shouts, "I'm fucking Kenny cuz I like him. Why did you fuck Kenny?" Please, my dear, this is no time to get into epistemological questions, especially concerning Kenny. Robin is edited to look tongue-tied as we go to commercial.
Back from commercials to find that Robin was never tongue-tied. She does some Obama-level verbal aikido and answers Johanna's question about why she fucked Kenny: "because I liked him." How does it feel to look into that mirror, Johanna? Johanna keeps screeching like a lady diving face first into a ridiculous pile of cocaine in slow motion, just as the whole National Army shows up to riddle her full of bullets. Or something. Robin interviews that if Johanna is a real woman, she'll face her in the, uh, Face Off.
Johanna tries to shake Robin's hand, but Robin won't because she has nothing to apologize for or make up over. Off to the side, Johanna cries to Kenny, who reassures her that Robin is "a pig." I'm sure he won't ever say anything like that about you, Johanna. Kenny tells Johanna that she's America's Fucking Sweetheart. I think I must have missed that memo. Damn this election coverage.
New day. Hey, Army! What are you doing here? This time the girls actually swim out to get the air-dropped supplies. But lest you think such an event signals that the boys were getting ever so slightly less misogynistic in acknowledging that the women can actually perform simple tasks like this one... we find out that the boys orchestrated this girl team effort so that they could observe which one(s) of them have strength and endurance.
The shipment contains limes (for the tequila), oranges (for the mimosas), graham crackers (for the S'More Martinis), and two big fish (for the Fermented Fish Juice Moonshine). Best airdrop ever!.
Bananas, Kenny, and Robin hang out around the boat parts trying to figure out how they'll sail to the island to get the money. Bananas floats a "zig zag" theory and Robin just sort of shrugs. Bananas thinks she's keeping her sailing knowledge to herself. Robin interviews that she knows she's a threat because she knows how to sail.
Kellyanne is worrying over getting voted in. The rumor is that once Ev volunteers (which she's said she'll do), everyone will vote Kellyanne in. Ev doesn't want to go against Kellyanne, as she's her best friend there. Now there's a random girl romance I could get behind. I love me some Cohutta, but I think Kellyanne probably needs a lady's touch.
Johanna tells Bananas that she thinks Robin needs to get voted in. Over on the AWESOME part of the one-acre set, Ryan and Robin discuss how ballsy she was calling Johanna out like that. Robin says that she's in a different place in her life, that she used to be a submissive girl like Johanna. Oooo. That's good. Robin theorizes (heh) that she's a threat to that JaBrohanna alliance and Ryan makes up for tongue-kissing Kellyanne by just breathing the same air as Robin. ROBIN FOR VICE PRESIDENT!
Commercials. A bunch of stupid bullshit about Johanna not wanting to go in to a Face Off, Rachel self-righteously interviewing that she would never feel okay about herself if she didn't challenge the game in some way. Challenge the challenge? I challenge the idea of a challenge being a challenge.
Oh no. Dan and Robin swing in hammocks to one another. Oh no. They kiss. Oh, Robin. Why did you have to go and DO THIS? I'm so upset.
Over the other way, another totally random and ill-advised bunch of nonsense. Jenn is telling Rachel -- and I am telling you here that this is really, literally, what she says -- that if she woke up and the human race was gone, she could survive. Rachel is looking at her like she's Portia de Rossi. Jenn interviews about Rachel and her syntax is so convoluted she may as well be the Governor from Alaska. She promises us, the viewers, that there is something "of significance" with Rachel that makes her feel like, if nothing else, that Rachel will be her friend "'til the end of the day." Wow. That's a historic love. Rachel interviews that she's feeling weird about being on a challenge without challenges, and that she just misses scrapping and so might volunteer herself tomorrow.
TJ. TJ Lavin's agent, please call me. This is the sweetest gig in television. Deliberations about the Face Off start. Rachel jumps in and volunteers herself, and then declares that it makes no sense for her AND Robin to go in together (why? I'm not totally clear) and proposes that it be her and two "newbies" -- Kellyanne and Ashli. Robin starts to cry. These poor ladies. They have such limited outlets for their aggression, and SO MUCH built up from this protracted life experience. We go to commercial wondering if Robin will go in against Rachel in spite of the latter's wishes.
Robin does indeed insist on going in. Kellyanne volunteers herself since that's who the vote would go for anyway. Ev thinks people are silly to underestimate Kellyanne. I think Ev is just blinded by those boobies. Standard worrying from all involved parties over the outcome of the Face Off.
Oh, god. Another night falls. Just get to the end already! So, we had ended the last scene with Kenny telling Rachel that Robin and Kellyanne are a cancer on the house. Cut to a meeting between JaBrohanna, Paula, and Bananas -- "the family" as Kenny tells us they are called. Apparently Kenny has not read Helter Skelter. Seriously? The family? Now Kenny is all for getting rid of Rachel, as she is "the head" (Johanna's description) of that band of feminazi misfits (TM Bananas). Okay. I was flirting with not being on their side (I hate underdogs), but they're being kind of hilarious. Plus, they have Paula. It's all very confusing.
Kellyanne and Ev commiserate. And now, we are finally at the Face Off. It's an endurance, balancing challenge where the ladies have to sit on one pole with their legs extended and resting on another pole. They have to hold it for as long as they can. Kellyanne, shorter than the rest, is totally fucked. She interviews that the other problem she has (beside the height) is a mental problem. Thank you, Kellyanne, for writing that joke for me.
The other thing about this challenge is that TJ can tell them to change positions any time. After thirty minutes he does. Kellyanne is wiggling around a lot, Cohutta thinks that's a good strategy. Robin isn't moving, and Dan thinks that's a good strategy. Robin's hand slips off the pole and she's out. Cohutta for President!
Bananas is scrambling in the face of a possible Kellyanne win. He interviews that, even though he personally hates her, it might be good for her to stick around, given that her entire alliance consists of two people -- Ev and Cohutta -- who have no influence over anyone. Cagey, Bananas! Bananas for President!
Rachel is struggling. Jenn's advice is that she should open her legs. Yes, really. Both girls are ready to give up. We go to commercial. Again.
They've been up there for two hours. Rachel's hand finally slips off and Kellyanne wins. She interviews, very cutely, that she feels like a badass.
Good cheer is short lived as the camera gets woozy on its long aerial pan over to Rachel pleading her case with Mr. Bananas. I feel like this really is some sort of U.S. government political allegory. She's groveling and telling them that she'll do anything for them. Bananas interviews that she's promising everything except, oh, I don't know, a menage a trois. Kenny wants to know if it were between one of them and Jenn, what would she do. She pauses and then promises to have their back.
Wow! The Family meets -- this time plus Derrick and Dunbar -- and deliberate over who they want to keep around more, Rachel or Robin. They decide that Robin is too useful (knowing how to sail) and thus prove stodgy educators correct about declining cultural and emotional literacy in today's youth.
Commercials. Hollywood Tards. Robin pleads her case tearfully. She apologizes for crying so much, but says she has a lot of heart, and asks them to all look in their hearts and give her a chance. Oh, this is gross. Get her out of here. The highs and lows of Robin. Kenny interviews, declaring that Robin isn't as stupid as we think... but she's pretty stupid (thinking that crying will work). Rachel's turn. She surprises everyone by including some code words about integrity and how she isn't going to throw anyone under the bus. Okay. This shit is all so clearly scripted. This amount of dramatic/narrative tension at each elimination? Please. Anyhow, Paula interviews for those of us in the back, that Rachel talking about integrity means that she's going back on her word to The Family. Rachel says she should stay because she's a good competitor.
Vote. Ryan and Dan vote for Rachel. But everyone else who doesn't matter votes for Robin. Until it's The Family's turn to vote. (Conveniently, they vote in order, Bananas first. I'm sure that's just a coincidence.) Bananas turns on Rachel and so the rest of them do, too. At some point Rachel asks if they're just being open with their alliance now, or what. She gets eliminated and Kenny tells her that "the Don has spoken" and that soon she'll "be swimmin' with the fishes." Creative allusions there, Ken.
Goodbyes. Incoherence. Melancholy lesbianish singer-songwriter guitar strumming. Jenn is sad and cries to Ryan about missing Rachel. Ryan tells her he'll keep her strong and then laughs at such a comment coming from "the crying gay man." Johanna sits on Ryan's lap with the expression of a brain-damaged Lhasa Apsa. We end, again, on insinuating shots of The Family laughing and reveling in their stature.