Hey all. I'd just like to thank sensitive psychopath Jame Gumb for filling in for me last week. I was following the great jam band Blues Traveler around the country, but they lost me somewhere outside of Akron and I spent a couple of weeks unable to find them. It was very depressing, but then on my way home I happened upon The String Cheese Incident playing the Teva Footwear Woodstock-West Festival outside of Laramie, Wyoming, and I would have been home sooner, but during "Somebody Stole My Rainbow," Kyle Hollingsworth -- who had foolishly mixed Wellbutrin and Ecstasy -- launched into a zither solo that he couldn't find his way out of until three days later. So Jame Gumb filled in for me at the last minute, and I thank him for it.
Like Jame, after fifteen or whatever fucking seasons of watching, this is the first year I just couldn't deal. Maybe I've finally outgrown the show, or maybe it's just not the same without the magic of Mary-Ellis, but after one episode of these privileged cockslaps, I cancelled the TiVo Season Pass and had just a little more free time in my week. So if I'm unhip to Shavonda's past hissyfits or Sarah's dick-sucking tour of Fiji, you'll have to forgive me.
Let's get retarded in here! I mean, let's get it started in here.
Previously on...Hey, it's Jon Bon Jovi. I must be on VH1 by mistake. Oh no, there's the square head of Landon. The kids stand in front of the man who has seen a million faces and rocked them all while someone voice-overs that they've been given the job of building a playground for a bunch of kids at the Northern Home. IKEA drops the playground off in a million pieces. If my kid lived in Philly, there is no fucking way I'm letting him monkey-swing across anything these incompetent fucks built, hung-over and grumpy. Sarah talks to MJ, and camera-talks that her body issues started when she found out her mother had cancer. I'm not going to touch that one with a ten-foot Karamo.
Credits. Floaty swivel-cam heads. Hip digital pixilated backdrop. Cool computer sounds. Man, everything for the kids! No wonder MTV is forever on the cutting edge. If only MTV could somehow provide me with awesome downloadable ringtones...What?! No way! Thanks, MTV! You're my one-stop CoolZone! Boy, my friends will be jealous when my Nokia plays Maroon 5 every time my boo blows up my celly. Jealous bitches.
Shots of Philly. Shots of Philly. Shots of...Chili's?! The kids go to eat at MTV sponsor Chili's, totally on their own, without any prompting. In a montage of crass commercialism the likes of which I haven't seen since...well, the last MTV show I watched, they pipe in voice-overs of the various kids saying shit like, "Let's get some buffalo wings!" and "Mmm. Those look soooooo good!" while they happily peruse the Chili's menu. If only my life were so colorful and full of not only good friends but delicious and fun foodstuffs! Sarah voice-overs and her floaty head camera-talks that she's had "issues with eating" since she was a kid and everyone does and don't worry about me I'm fine! Everyone eats, and we get shots of grease and milkshakes and people urge Sarah to eat but she smiles, loving every minute of her tremendous willpower, as she voice-overs that her roommates can eat everything they want but she can't. "Your mom!" she retorts to someone who bugs her about food, and she squirms and says she's gained "five hundred pounds." You know, that's not funny to those who actually have gained five hundred pounds this year. Way to be sensitive. I'm calling the FCC, Jesus-hater!
Back at the park, Sarah and Willie are bit a calmer now, and Sarah explains that she didn't yell, and they finally just talk. Sarah camera-talks that when Willie does physical labor, he gets diva-ish. She finally makes the point that it's not for him to decide when is right for her to talk to Donna. She then plays the Cancer Card, and Willie apologizes and tells us that he should have been more considerate. Now they're talking and sitting and laughing a little. Ah, things get resolved so easily in the "real world."
AwkwardDinner. Sarah and CancerMom and Dad. Where's BitchFace sister? Probably home smiling smugly that she caused her sister pain. CancerMom, with a terribly sour face, wonders if Sarah's not going to talk to them. Sarah lies that she's just had a hard day and then camera-talks, telling us that she's really drained from all of this. CancerMom says, "Let's not make this into a big deal." Sarah says that it's too late, and that she's been crying about it for a day and a half. Food arrives, and of course Sarah just got a salad. She should refuse to eat in front of them. Sarah camera-talks that the only way she can defeat this is to be self-assured and not let her mom's words bring her down. Or, she can kill her mother and sister. Sarah starts saying that she's in good shape, and CancerMom apologizes and says she was wrong. Oh. Well. Then Sarah keeps going and says that CancerMom made her feel like a "monster." CancerMom's face drops at that. Sarah then camera-talks that she thinks her mom is worried she's losing Sarah, and is trying to have control. Well, that's part of it. CancerMom also is just a shitty mom. More sour-apologizing and "you hurt my feelings"-ing and poor Dad is just sitting there like me, amazed at the fucking horrible shit women put each other through.
Playground. Fast-motion of construction as Landon square-faces to us that today is the last day, and it's the building of the gazebo, and then they're basically done. Building. Building. Jon Bon Jovi arrives, smiling with his big giant Al Pacino-esque tooth caps. Sarah, eating something, says a sentence that should strike fear into children everywhere: "I'm really happy Jon Bon Jovi has come to see our playground." He compliments them all, and even climbs up on top of the gazebo with MJ and gets to, undeservedly, screw in the last screw.
Some lady tells them that IKEA has decided to donate shit for the playground. How nice of the rich Swedes. Melanie congratulates herself and Willie then leads us into fun IKEA commercial-slash-montage as the kids go to spend OPM (Other People's Money) at IKEA. Buying. Buying. Willie loves the shopping part. Buying. Fun IKEA fun. They end up with hella shit. Over.
Day. Northern Home. Dedication Ceremony. Landon babbles. Children and parents and podiums. ING Direct, plug plug, gives the kids each a savings account with a thousand dollars in it. They clap. Karamo talks. People clap. He gives Donna something called a "World Apart" award, because she's been like a mother to them. Laura gets a "Leadership Award." Then Karamo says this person is amazing, and gives an "Exemplary Award" to Landon, who is surprised. He goes up, touched, and gets his award. Landon voice-overs that it means a lot to him. Then they cut a ribbon and tell a bunch of shy children to go play. No one wants to be the first to get injured on their shoddily-constructed death trap, but a few brave Ritalin-ed souls finally do. Willie talks about what a proud moment it is. Landon says it's something he can come back to Philly with his own children (yeah, right) and say, "Your father built this." Landon starts playing, deeply engrossed in some Wheel of Fortune spinny-blocks on the playground. Hee.
Donna talks to them all and lies that she's totally there for them and that they can call her whenever. Hugs and kisses and smiles, and that's just from me because it's over.
: the kids move out. Packing. Packing. MJ asks Landon if "they" are boyfriend and girlfriend, and I think they're finally coming out, but it turns out he's talking about Shavona and Landon. Landon tells us that she wants it only to be about sex. Then we see Landon in the hot tub with another girl. Shavonda is jealous. So is MJ.
And that's it! See ya!