As the narrator blathers on about previously unseen footage and top-ten moments, the screen fills up with unnecessarily complicated and portentous fire graphics, and it becomes clear that this isn't a reunion in the traditional Bunim/Murray sense; it's more of a…recap, actually. The Challengians (and by the way, only the final 12 are on this show) aren't all in the same room; it's just auxiliary interviews recorded post-competition. But in a way, that's preferable, because sometimes at the in-person reunions, they don't feel as free to talk shit. And believe me when I tell you, that sort of diplomacy isn't really a problem during this half hour of television. Susie.
Moment #10 is fight night with CT. We see footage of CT flexing on the camera. Ace says CT was drinking "dark whisky" prior to the wrestle-ticuffs, so he knew CT was probably going to act up. Janelle observes in WTF tones that it all sort of came out of nowhere. Really, Janelle? This is an unpredictable solution to the "CT + booze" equation? We see CT and Kenny rolling around on the deck as Kenny says he handed CT's ass to him. Heh. Janelle says that, during the scuffle, Kenny accidentally bloodied CT's nose, which really set CT off. Johnny Bananas interviews that it was like Dad coming home and hitting Mom, Mom hits the kid, the kid kicks the dog…and Davis was the dog. I don't like or dislike Davis particularly but the guy must be really tired of that unwittingly dismissive attitude from everyone. If you aren't sure what the phrase "the soft bigotry of lowered expectations" means, Bananas just showed you, basically. Tonya talks about how CT ran into her room and pretended to be asleep, but winked at her all co-conspirator, and she wasn't having it. She busts on him for losing out on an opportunity to make money as we see him bundled into the production getaway car.
Moment #9: The shy and retiring gentlemen of the Good Guys team refuse to wear the man-kinis provided for the grape-crushing game. Kenny sarcastically asks if Alton, Ace, and Timmy are "too sophisticated to put on Speedos? Are you kidding me?" Exactly, my fratty friend. And they were modest Speedos, too -- practically boy shorts. Bunch of babies. The hypocrisy here has been discussed extensively -- Ace getting cheeky during Gauntlet 2, Alton parading around in the altogether during his Real World season, Timmy peeing on the ground -- and we see the flashback footage that makes liars out of them so I won't belabor the point. But when we get to Moment #2, remember this sequence. Kenny adds that "there's not an ounce of class in any of" the three. Tonya seconds the "give me a fuckin' break" motion. Ace talks about how he'd get beaten up for wearing a Speedo. By whom -- Susie? Hiyo! But I'm getting ahead of myself. Then it's time once again to talk about how gigantic Alton's penis is. I'll pass, thanks.
Moment #8: The "I Hate Tonya" game. After some footage of the game, Cara explains that it's "ridiculous low blows" that are "too easy," and then talks about how "no girl wants to hear" that she has a fat ass, in a tone that implies she thinks she scored a strong point off Tonya with that. But she just said the comments were "too easy," and that one isn't actually even accurate, so I'm not sure why she's so proud of herself. Susie chirps that she feels the game helped them in their mission, and "really bonded us." Um, what? Your team lost; Tonya's team, with Tonya still on it, won -- probably because you were overly bonded with Cara and, as a result, not bonded to your other teammates, most of whom loathed you for exactly this sort of high-school horseshit. If you hate Tonya, just hate her; don't dress it up like it's a rite of passage akin to Marine Corps boot camp. Ace and Janelle are grossed out by the game (when it aired, Ace texted Tonya with a reason why he likes her). Ev's like, nice Christianity, bitches -- Cara and Susie talked more shit about other people than anyone else. Susie admits that she hates Tonya because Tonya hates her. Fine! Just say that! Cara's like, yeah, it's mean, but Tonya brings it on herself. Derrick acknowledges that this might be kind of true. Tonya says she wishes she could "be a girls' girl," and "fit in." With what -- that? Why?
Then there's some unseen footage -- which we can barely make out, because the Inferno-themed screen frame they're using reduces the viewing area to like six square inches of screen -- of Kenny accusing the boom mic girl of farting (…I think) and Susie doing a not-very-good TJ Lavin imitation and Bananas flopping into the bath with Janelle, and then the Donnas start playing and there's wrestling and people getting chucked into the pool, blurred butts, people belching in confessionals, and so on.
Moment #7: Susie decks drunk Ace. Great. Real psyched to revisit this one. Not. Ace describes Susie coming at him "like a blue demon," saying she was "punching like crazy" and "it felt like some kind of UFC thing." Heh. Bananas complains that not only did Susie whale on Ace, but she and Cara and Colie went to production as a "preemptive strike" and "concocted" a story about they felt "threatened and violated and all this nonsense." Now, Bananas is not the most progressive commentator on social issues, but even a broken clock is right twice a day, and I think the distinction he's trying to make here is a good one -- that there's a difference between thinking drunk fratty boombatties barging into your room is annoying, which it is, but saying so puts you at risk of seeming uptight and an enemy of fun; and claiming that this violated you somehow, which makes you a sympathetic victim but is a much more serious accusation which in turn justifies your overreaction. And I don't have any problem at all with Susie cold-decking the guy for being a noisy jackhole when she's trying to sleep, but of course she can't just own that, and of course Cara has to jump on the bandwagon and act like a war crime was committed. Abram openly laughs at the idea that anyone could feel threatened by Ace's drunken songsmithing. Susie talks about the "power differential" and how she's "not comfortable" with having three drunk men in her room at that hour; apparently she's still under the impression that these shows air on the Pax Network. Not, she's a total revisionist historian. She wasn't "uncomfortable." She was pissed. I don't know why she can't just say so.
Bananas continues that Cara was whining about how they moved her covers and her boob might have popped out, and eye-rolls that 1) there were no cameras there and 2) didn't she pose for Playboy? Footage of Cara and Colie getting all Salem-witch-trial about things. Kenny's like, you couldn't have paid any of us enough to touch Colie so she's full of shit. Ouch! Also: ha! Bananas grumbles that Ace is so unconfrontational that he gave in and made it up with Susie, and also that Ace "was so far up Cara's ass the entire show." It's pretty telling that Susie wishes it hadn't been Ace she punched, because "everybody loves Ace." Ohhhh, okay. So if you'd punched a less well-liked cast member, you'd be okay with it, because then everyone wouldn't think less of you. God, she sucks. Susie closes by perking that she wishes it had been Bananas instead. Yeah…no, you don't. He's bigger than Ace and he hates your ass. You'd be wearing your lower lip as a beret.
Moment #6: Ace and Johnny get into it over the giraffe course. This isn't super-interesting, except for two things: 1) Ace admits that, watching it back, he sees that Johnny did try to tell the team about the markings, and he probably just missed it; and 2) Cara and Susie got needlessly involved by working Ace up over the perceived slight, probably to take the focus off of Cara fucking up for Susie's benefit and throw the negative spotlight onto Bananas. Bananas says as much, saying the girls made it out to Ace like Bananas screwed him on purpose so he could win the scooter, and it was a turning point in the team dynamic. He also reiterates that Ace bought it because it came from Cara. Ace says everyone talked shit about Cara, but she's cute so he didn't care. Well, at least he admits his douchery, unlike some people. Susie. And Cara.
For Moment #5, I will quote the narrator as he says that "some people forget that it's only a game. And by 'some people,' we mean 'Rachel.'" Hee! Want a job, Narrator Guy? Footage of Rachel blubbering hysterically after she's beaten in the Inferno; then we hear her calling Jenn a "chubby civilian" in VO. Derrick compares the whole scene to the reveal on Maury. Susie: "It's just weird, I mean, she went to Iraq, how could this be worse?" It pains me, but: word, Susie. Paula says she was embarrassed for Rachel. Abram confines himself to a "daaaamn, dude." Heh. Tonya and Janelle both express the desire to thump Rachel's skull for the chubby-civilian comment. Janelle: "Waaaait a minute, like…take a look in the mirror." …Yeah, that's the thing. I remember a few ill-advised miniskirts from Rachel's season; she's not chubby either, really, but she's further along that curve than Jenn is, in my opinion. Bananas thinks it's accurate, but Bananas thinks a lot of things.
Unseen footage of Aneesa teaching Tonya to strip-tease. Paula doesn't "have words." Heh. Over a clip of Aneesa bending Tonya upside down in her lap so Tonya can wiggle her butt in Aneesa's face, Paula attempts to describe the stripping "lesson," concluding dryly that she's "sure Tonya already knows how to do that." Heh. Susie says she saw some of it on a monitor and found it disturbing, and maybe they could "read a book or…complete full sentences" before they try stripping. "I mean, isn't smelling like a stripper enough?" See, for some reason this kind of comment isn't as bothersome coming from Paula, maybe because she doesn't overclose the joke and then laugh at the not-that-funny funny she just made, but more likely because she's not a judgmental hypocrite.
Moment #4 is Susie "unable" to "decide" whether to send Cara or Paula into the Inferno. The narrator, who is now my boyfriend, refers to Susie's "crocodile tears" about this choice. The choice itself is another point I'll not belabor, except to observe that, in the intervening time, Susie has found a way to blame Cara for the discord -- if Cara had volunteered herself for the Inferno, Susie would have sent her, but Cara didn't, so Susie had to send Paula. Well, yes, Susie, the fact that the winner of the Life Shield has to choose who goes in is rather inconvenient, but that is, I regret to inform you, the FUCKING POINT OF IT. The various guys interview about the lameness of the Cara/Susie alliance. Kenny refers to the entire female gender as "backstabbing bastards," which is so wrong that it comes back around to being funny.
Moment #3: Abram hucks Susie into the water. Susie now claims that she was "out, praying, on the deck" and was accosted out of nowhere. You reap what you sow, brat. Ask your Bible. We also find out that she marched out afterwards with her wet pajamas, dumped them on the pool apron, and ordered Abram and Bananas to wash and dry them by the morning. So they did exactly that -- in the toilet. Using the toilet brush. I feel a weird tingling sensation, it's unfamiliar and kind of ooky…so this is what liking Abram feels like. Interesting. Tonya and Derrick react to the news that Susie's clothing got laundered in the crapper with outright glee. Heh. Ace says he felt bad, so he went back and washed the clothes for her afterwards. …Jesus, Ace. Why? Tonya's like, I can't fucking believe that guy, which is exactly what I said. Let Susie wear some Ty-D-Bowl, she deserves it!
And now, the hook-up review. Tonya puts herself in charge of this, saying she knows everyone who hooked up, and she could just "be Coral right now" and list them all, and she thinks she will. Excellent. Ace admits to trying to hook up with Cara but failing. Tonya: "Jenn and Kenny! There ya go!" Susie and Janelle report that Colie tried to hook up with almost everyone, and everyone passed. Paula rogers that, saying that Colie was like, "'Here's my vagina, if you want it,'" and then she does a little "no thanks" shtick. Bananas says Colie did make out with Ace and he has it on tape. Ace admits to that, and to making out with Jenn also. Susie mentions the Jenn/Kenny thing. Kenny says Jenn "got lucky," and jokes that she said she wanted to know "what it was like to walk on the sun." Then Susie says Derrick and Jenn hooked up…? Tonya's pairing: Janelle and Alton. Janelle is speechless. Alton laughs and refuses to comment. So does Ace, saying Alton would kick his ass. Derrick doesn't know about anything. Kenny: "Hear no evil, see no evil." Janelle is "completely denying any hook-ups." …All righty then. I didn't know Alton could have these people killed for talking about his sex life, but I guess that's the deal, because everyone's all Mark Felt about it. Moving on…
Moment #2 is Timmy's "controversial DQ." The narrator calls Timmy a "Challenge legend." Might I refer the narrator and everyone else to Moment #9. I've never liked Timmy, I think it's creepy how long he's been doing these Challenges, and good riddance. There, I said it. Unseen footage lets us know that Timmy cut the hell out of his knees; Cara claims that he had about a thousand stitches, couldn't bend his legs, and wouldn't have been able to compete even if he'd won the disputed Inferno, and it does look like a pretty gory scene. We see Timmy's Valkyrie speech again, and the finalists interview about what a fine human being Timmy is and what a tough blow it was to the team and blah blah give me a bucket.
And the #1 Moment? "Derrick finally wins." Lame! I mean, if you're going to do these douchey things, yeah, you should at least win, but as high points of the season go? Beat. I'm surprised we didn't hear the theme from The Natural here, although I guess they'd only play that if Alton had won. As Paula's talking about how nobody needed it more or fought for it more or deserved it more than Derrick, my DVR is like, "I hate you for making me record this," and cuts it off, so perhaps someone who watched it live can fill you guys in on the forums.