Previously on The Real World: Steven and Trishelle met and pretty much immediately fell into bed together. Brynn wanted to go home. Alton and Irulan hooked up, then fought, then got back together. Arissa's mom was verbally abusive.
I would just like to point out that before the season started, I predicted on the forums that they would use that John Mayer song before the season ended, and lo and behold, it accompanies a montage of everyone packing their shit up. Thank you. Thank you very much. Okay, so it's not like I went out on a limb or anything, since the lyrics mention the words "real world," but I have to take my victories where I can get them, however small. Trishelle contributes the obligatory interview where she talks about how sad she is that they all won't be living together anymore. Seriously, do these final episodes just write themselves at this point? The first and last episodes of every season are always the same.
Out in the smokers' lounge, Alton and Irulan are feeling each other up while Arissa says that nothing at her home has changed, but that she has changed a lot. In a confessional, Arissa says that she's nervous to go home and doesn't want to go. In an interview, Arissa says she's afraid to go home and get stuck living with her mother and having a shitty job and all of the drama. Arissa dramatically puts her head between her knees. Sometimes I think she doesn't want to live with her mother because she doesn't want the competition for who can be most dramatic.
Irulan and Alton go out for sushi. In an interview, Irulan says she doesn't want to say goodbye to Alton. They discuss how they are going to stay together as a couple even though they are going to live on opposite sides of the country. Irulan and Alton agree that if they had three wishes, they would use them all to wish they could live together. Why can't they? They're adults. It's not like they have to go back to their jobs or they have mortgages or something. In a confessional, Alton says he wishes he could just marry Irulan. Why can't he? I'm not saying I think it's a good idea, but I don't understand where the barriers are. It's not like they're from warring families or something. Avril Lavigne sings about how complicated things are. Oh, yes. They are so complicated.
The phone rings, and Frank answers it. It's Arissa's mom, and she asks for Arissa. Frank tries to joke around with her, and Arissa's mom gets verbally abusive as usual. Frank thinks she's just kidding, so he goes along with it, but apparently Arissa's mom is not kidding around. She keeps saying that she's going to kill "that bitch," meaning Arissa. Frank thinks Arissa's mom is drunk. Steven walks in and listens to the conversation. Frank tells Arissa's mom that he's Steven. The two of them giggle, like ha ha Arissa's mom is an abusive alcoholic. Isn't that hilarious?
Later, Steven tells Arissa that her mom called. In an interview, Steven says that Arissa was only able to change because she was away from her family, and that he hopes she doesn't go back to Boston and live with them, because it's not a good situation. Arissa calls home and talks to her Uncle Robert. He's not sure where her mom is. In a confessional, Arissa says that she would give everything she has not to go home. So don't go! I seriously don't get all the imaginary barriers in this episode. Maybe if Arissa had started thinking about it before the day before they moved out, she could have lined up a job and an apartment in another city. Arissa dramatically tells her uncle that nothing has changed. Uncle Robert insists that it's not that bad, and that it will be better when Arissa gets home. Arissa says that now she knows what it's like to have peace and quiet, and she can't go back. In an interview, Arissa says she doesn't know where she's going. Frankly, I don't care as long as she's not on my television screen every Tuesday night.
The roommates get in a cab to go out for a final dinner. Arissa tells Alton and Irulan that she doesn't want to live in Boston. Alton asks Arissa if there is anyone in Boston she could stay with besides her mother. Arissa says that all of her friends have six kids each and live with their moms. Nice. In an interview, Alton says he hopes Arissa understands that she creates her own destiny. I'm saying. Arissa continues to wallow in her drama.
The roommates all gather at the restaurant. They drink shots. Trishelle makes a cheesy toast and starts crying. This one girl thanks everyone for putting up with her and not letting her move out of the house, because she's glad she stayed. Who is that again? Oh, Brynn. I kind of forgot she lived there. Frank says that he feels like his family has gotten bigger. In an interview, Irulan says that dinner was a lovefest, because all of the arguments and fights melted away. Arissa chokes up as she thanks Irulan for being a good friend, and thanks Alton for playing the violin. Really? She's thanking him for that? Because from what we saw of Alton's musical skills, I don't get it. Arissa says nice things about the rest of her roommates, and they all toast. Trishelle proposes that they all kiss each other. She would. Steven says he's never kissed a black woman, so Trishelle says that Steven and Arissa have to kiss. Steven comes over and hugs Arissa. In dueling confessionals, Steven claims that Arissa wants him, and Arissa denies it. Steven grabs Arissa's face and plants one on her in his trademark "swallowing your face" style. The other roommates laugh and clap. Steven looks really pleased with himself. Steven tells Arissa that she's a very good kisser. In more dueling confessionals, Arissa claims that Steven is stunned; then Steven says Arissa will never be the same; and then Arissa says that she hopes Steven doesn't start following her around. And that's it. Not that exciting a moment for all the hype it got in the promos for the episode.
The roommates go to Ghost Bar. They all toast. Arissa talks to the bartender, Michelle. In an interview, Arissa says that Michelle is a good person to talk to. Michelle says that Arissa doesn't have to go home to Boston. In an interview, Arissa says that Michelle told her to stay until she figures out what she wants to do. Arissa goes to Michelle's apartment and checks it out. In an interview, Arissa says that if she stays in Vegas for the summer, she can make money and then move wherever she wants to go.
Alton and Irulan cuddle in bed and discuss their future. In an interview, Irulan says that her stomach is in knots because she doesn't know what will happen to them. In an interview, Alton says that Irulan knows she might get back together with Gabe. In bed, Irulan denies that that will happen. In an interview, Alton says he has a feeling of impending doom. Irulan complains that she wants to prove it to him. Alton says Irulan can't do that while they're still there. In an interview, Irulan says that she doesn't want to lose Alton. Irulan starts crying and Alton comforts her and a sad trumpet plays.
In a confessional, Trishelle says that it's the last day in the house. Alton and Irulan get into the shower together. Alton voice-overs that Irulan said she wants to make their relationship work. They kiss in the shower happily. In an interview, Alton says he's going to fly out to New York to see Irulan the day after they move out. Why not just fly back with her now? These people make no sense.
The bellmen show up to bring the roommates' bags down to the lobby. One of them hands Frank an envelope and he brings it over to read in front of all of the roommates. Frank reads that as a goodbye present from the owner of the casino, they will all be going on a helicopter tour of Vegas. Well, that should provide the producers with some nice scenic shots to go out on. Everyone screams and shouts. The roommates grab their things and walk out. They say goodbye to all of the casino employees on their way out.
The roommates arrive at the helicopter and pile in. They fly around Vegas. In a confessional, Alton says he's glad he went out and partied in Vegas because it's something he needed to get out of his system. Then we see a montage of the roommates drinking and dancing in various clubs, as well as other moments from the season.
And now it's time for the final installment of the Most Awesome Thing I Saw On TV This Week. I thought I would bring it full circle, since the most awesome thing I saw on TV this week was another episode of Little House on the Prairie, just like the first one I did. In this episode, Ma scratches her leg on a piece of wire while she's getting out of the wagon, and then Reverend Alden stops by and asks Ma to bake some pies to help raise money for a church, but the Ingalls family was supposed to go on a little overnight trip. So then Charles totally volunteers Ma to stay home and bake the pies while he takes the girls on the trip, like, maybe Ma doesn't want to bake some damn pies, Pa! So the plan is that Ma will bake pies on Saturday and then Reverend Alden will drop her off at the meadow for a family picnic on Sunday. So the whole family leaves and Ma gets to baking but the scratch on her leg is bothering her so she slaps some bread and milk on it, like, I don't know what in the hell that was supposed to do, but this was the olden days when they didn't have hydrogen peroxide at Oleson's Mercantile. And Ma is getting all sweaty and stuff, but she manages to get, like, twenty pies baked, and sets them on some shelves outside the door to cool. So Doc Baker stops by and Ma tells him about her leg and he's about to step inside and have some pie and check out the cut when a neighbor rolls up and says his son fell out of the loft, so Doc Baker takes off. And Ma, of course, volunteers to help out, but they're like, "Just bake your pies," so she does. So that night, Ma's leg is getting worse and she takes down her hair, which was kind of when you knew something was wrong, because Ma's hair was always up except for a couple of times when she was eating popcorn in bed and reading her Bible. And then there's a huge thunderstorm, so Doc Baker has to stay over at the neighbor's and never gets back to check on Ma's leg. And then the Ingalls's cow gets out of the barn and maybe if they ever fed that cow it would stay in the barn but I think it was out foraging for hay or something in the wild because I could see the cow's ribcage, it was so skinny. So Ma heads out into the storm, but the cow won't budge, and then Ma faints and lands right in a mud puddle! So she wakes up and crawls back inside. And then she's trying to make a fire to warm up and she lights some newspaper and notices a story in the paper about a family's house being robbed so she goes over and locks the door and then I think Brian DePalma directed this segment because there's lightning flashes and close-ups on Ma's eyes and all I know is when I saw it when I was, like, eight years old it was pretty fucking scary. So Ma tries to settle her nerves by reading the Bible, but she passes out on the floor.
The morning, Reverend Alden and Mrs. Foster come by to pick Ma up, but since Ma locked the door to prevent robbery, they can't get in, and Ma is still passed out on the floor, so they assume she isn't home and take the pies and leave. And Ma wakes up and throws a rolling pin at the window and breaks it, but it's too late and they are gone, so she manages to unlock the door before passing out again. Meanwhile, the cow has wandered over to the neighbor's house (the one with the injured son), and the son offers to take the cow home, but the neighbor is all, "Let Ingalls come and get his cow if he wants it so bad!" And after Ma was so nice to him! Bastard. So then the infection in Ma's leg is really, really bad and gross and, like, blackened and stuff, so Ma starts reading the Bible for comfort or something and she reads this part about "If thine hand offend thee, cut if off" and then she goes and gets a butcher knife out of the drawer and starts boiling water and reading the Bible and then she puts the knife in the fire to sterilize it or something and then puts a tourniquet on her leg and then passes out again and I'm just thinking that the knife would in no way be able to hack through her bone, but whatever. So then Reverend Alden and Mrs. Foster find Pa and the girls at the meadow and Pa is shocked that Ma isn't with them and he gets all worried so he leaves the girls with Reverend Alden and takes off like a bat out of hell in the buckboard. And his route just happens to take him by Bastard Neighbor's house, and Bastard Neighbor is all complaining about the cow and Pa realizes that if Ma let the cow wander about the countryside, she must be in deep shit, so he goes like an even faster bat out of hell and gets home and Ma is passed out on the floor, so I guess she never got the chance to hack her own leg off, thank God. So then everyone comes home and prays real hard and Pa cries with Laura because Ma might die, but then they pray some more and then the fever lifts and everyone is happy. All I know is that after I saw this episode, I poured like two bottles of peroxide over every cut and scratch I got because I did not want to be in a position where I had to hack off my own leg. But that episode was awesome.
The helicopter ride ends, and the roommates sit in a building somewhere and wait for their rides to the airport. Frank says that he's really nervous, and then the first limo pulls up. The driver announces that he's there for Brynn. In a confessional, Steven says that Brynn came into the show "a confused, stubborn little girl," and that she's facing her issues head-on. Brynn hugs everyone as her bags are loaded into the car. In an interview, Irulan says that even though Brynn was going through a lot of her own stuff, she was still always there for Irulan. Because it's all about Irulan, really. In an interview, Brynn says she's going to Portland to stay with her boyfriend Austin for a week. She's ready to be in a committed relationship, but she'll also be okay if it doesn't work out. I wonder how she'll feel if she gets knocked up? Just asking.
Frank's ride comes . He pretends to be really upset, and then pretends to just walk out. Ha ha. Not. In an interview, Frank says he's going to move to Los Angeles and go to U.S.C. and get an apartment with Steven. He adds that he's looking forward to getting Steven's sloppy seconds. Frank and Trishelle hug, and Frank makes Trishelle say one more time that she loves him. In an interview, Trishelle says that she hopes Frank finds "that virgin girl" he's been looking for. So disturbing. Frank's humor did not make up for his warped views on women.
The car comes, and it's Alton's turn. Steven jokes that he knew it was for Alton because the envelope was nine and a half inches long. Steven is obsessed with Alton's penis. Alton hugs a sobbing Arissa. In an interview, Alton says he's going to miss Arissa because she's his family. Outside, Irulan says that she'll see Alton the day, so she won't cry. In a confessional, Alton says he's going to move to New York. Trishelle and Arissa watch them say goodbye. Trishelle says she can't believe Alton's going to New York. Arissa says that he's in love. Trishelle asks if Irulan is too, and Arissa says that she is. To me, that smacks of desperation, like Alton doesn't trust Irulan enough to be in New York on her own, so he needs to go there immediately to ensure that she doesn't accidentally get back together with Gabe. And given Irulan's history, I don't blame him. In a confessional, Alton says that you have to take a big risk to get a big return. Alton yells some nonsense out the window as he drives off, which is fitting, since he spoke nonsense most of the time.
Irulan leaves . In an interview, Irulan says that she and Arissa got along well, but also butted heads because they are so alike in some ways, but that they will always love each other. Irulan gets in the car. In an interview, Irulan says she was too confident when she got there, and now she knows that she needs to learn about herself and improve herself. Zzzzz...sorry where were we?
Trishelle, Steven, and Arissa hang out and talk about how quiet things are now. In an interview, Steven says he's going to move to L.A. for a year because that's what B/M alumni do. That's not what he actually says, but that's totally why he's doing it. Arissa says that Trishelle is going to L.A. too. Of course she is. In a confessional, Trishelle says that she's grown up and grown out of the South. I was unaware that only immature people were allowed to live in the South. Interesting. Arissa confirms that she's staying in Vegas. Trishelle is excited for her.
Another driver shows up, and it's time for Steven to leave. In an interview, Arissa thanks Steven for being there to give her a hug when she needed it. Trishelle looks very upset. Steven puts his stuff in the car and comes back for one more hug. Trishelle totally starts making out with him, like, I wonder what Tyler thinks about that. And here's a perfect example of why the people who pick out the music for this show don't know what they are doing. Instead of picking out a song that evokes a particular feeling, they always go for the one where the words describe what is going on in the scene. Like if they wanted to convey that Steven was a lady killer, they should have picked a kind of sexy-sounding song, but also one that was a little melancholy because his life is kind of sad and empty, plus he's leaving and we're probably supposed to feel sad about that. Instead, they picked a dance song about a sexy lady killer, but the upbeat mood and tempo is all wrong for this scene. Ugh. Anyway, Trishelle sobs and sobs while the dance song plays some more. In an interview, Trishelle says that she and Steven are both moving on, but that they will still be friends.
Trishelle and Arissa are the only ones left. They talk about how they've changed, and how their roommates have changed their lives. You know, the usual. They both thought the others would hate them. A car pulls up, and it's for Trishelle. You know how the rest goes. Hugs, crying, blah blah blah, and I can't even bring myself to recap the rest of this because I'm just so happy that it's the end. Anyway, Trishelle gets in the car, and then Arissa walks back inside, and then it's over! Yay! What? There's a reunion week. Oh, fart bubbles.