Previously on The Real World: We learned that Irulan has a boyfriend named Gabe. They have an open relationship, except that he doesn't want her to hook up with any of her roommates. So, Irulan promptly hooked up with Alton, who has a tremendous crush on her. Alton worried that he's going to get his heart broken. Steven was worried about that too, and told Alton as much, because Steven thinks of himself as very, very wise.
Irulan opens some birthday presents from her mother. One present is a black thong. Irulan's friend Mikey, who is visiting, can't believe that her mother gave her some thongs (the underwear, not the shoes). In an interview, Irulan says that she's known Mikey since they were teenagers, and he also knows Gabe and the whole situation. Mikey says that if women are really wearing thongs these days, he needs to get laid more often. When was the last time he got laid, 1995? Women have been wearing thongs for years. Alton checks out the gifts and puts his dirty mitts all over Irulan's underwear. I'm sure that's not the first time he's had his hands there, but still. I wouldn't want people pawing through my underwear, even if I knew I was going to wash before wearing. In a confessional, Irulan talks about how excited she is about her birthday.
Irulan calls Alton over to see what else her mother sent. I was sure it was going to be some trashy lingerie, but in fact, her mother sent her some roller blades. Alton is excited, because now he has someone to skate with. Later, Alton and Irulan skate into the elevator and through the casino. Can you skate in a casino? That doesn't seem legal, really. In an interview, Alton says that he and Irulan have a much greater connection than a typical hook-up. They skate in the parking garage, and Irulan does that annoying girly thing where she flails her arms and screeches and begs Alton to help her, like, if she's that inexperienced a skater, maybe she should be wearing pads and a helmet. They skate through a parking lot, holding hands. In an interview, Alton says that his feelings for Irulan are growing. The stupid background song is about roller-skating, like, what an imaginative choice.
Back at the suite, Irulan and Alton discuss the difference between sex and love. Irulan says that she doesn't see sex as casual. See, I totally think that Alton and Irulan had sex in the tent (because, apparently, it pretty much says as much in the book about the season) and so this is Irulan's coded way of telling Alton that she has feelings for him. Think about it. She says she can't have sex with someone without having feelings for that person. She had sex with Alton. Therefore, she has feelings for him. Can you blame him for thinking they might have a relationship? In an interview, Alton says that his talks with Irulan are "really fulfilling" and that they are "emotionally very intimate." I think it's because Irulan likes to talk about herself and no one can understand what Alton is saying anyway, so she just blathers on and so does he. Irulan says that since she already has a relationship with Gabe, she wouldn't risk it just to kiss Alton unless she thinks he's really special. But not special enough for her to break up with Gabe. Isn't that the subtext here? Irulan claims she is grossed out by casual sex. Alton claims that he's never had casual sex, because it would compromise his integrity. Hello? Am I the only one who remembers the girl in the bathtub? Maybe they didn't have intercourse, but they might as well have. Alton says he's glad Irulan is there. In an interview, Irulan says she feels connected to Alton, and she knows that he's supposed to be in her life. Because he totally kisses her ass and makes her feel wanted on a daily basis, and since her boyfriend's not around, that's what she needs. At least that's my interpretation. Irulan trots over and plops down in Alton's lap, and they snuggle.
Alton and Irulan get into bed together. But first, Alton lights some incense. Who wants to sleep with stinky incense fumes clogging up the room? Yuck. In a confessional, Irulan sits on Alton's lap and claims that all she and Alton have done is kiss and snuggle. Can you say "damage control"? In the bed, Alton and Irulan kiss and move around under the blanket.
Trishelle is in the shower, and she calls Frank over. In an interview, Trishelle says that Irulan is "a very needy person" who needs a lot of friends and a lot of presents on her birthday. That Trishelle is the one calling Irulan needy is hilarious. Frank walks over and pretends he's not totally checking out Trishelle's naked bod. Trishelle asks if Frank is getting Irulan anything for her birthday. Frank says that he and Steven are getting her a spa treatment, which costs him nothing. Apparently it was Steven's idea, and Frank just put his name on the card. Frank says that Trishelle can add her name, too. Frank complains that he only buys birthday presents for family members and girlfriends, but not for friends. And while I can see his point, and no one should have to buy a gift because they feel obligated, it's still pretty tacky to complain about it. Just buy something small or make a nice card or something. In an interview, Frank says that everyone is making a big deal of Irulan's birthday, but it's not a big deal because you have a birthday every year. J-Dawg is so that way. And I'm all about celebrating birthdays. Don't worry; we've learned to compromise. Trishelle says that she'll put her name on the spa gift, but that she's also going to buy a group gift from all of them. Frank likes that idea, because it means he doesn't have to do anything.
Irulan and Alton spoon in bed, kissing and rubbing some more. He's totally touching her boobies right now. I feel dirty watching this. The phone rings and Alton gets up to answer it. It's Gabe. Alton stutters a bit and then reminds Gabe that it's Irulan's birthday. Gabe already knew. Alton says he'll get her. Gabe says Alton shouldn't wake Irulan up if she's sleeping. Alton stutters some more and then says he saw Irulan walking around a minute ago so he knows she's awake. Wow, Alton is a terrible liar. Maybe he should have been Joe Millionaire. Irulan grabs the phone. Gabe wishes Irulan a happy birthday, and Irulan baby-talks to him. In an interview, Alton says that when he hears Irulan tell Gabe that she loves him, he thinks that Gabe deserves it because he's a good guy, but it makes Alton feel like he shouldn't be falling for Irulan. Gabe gives Irulan a big smooch over the phone. Alton voice-overs that it doesn't make sense that Irulan would get out of bed with him and talk to Gabe, and he feels like he's playing himself. Or maybe he should be playing with himself, in order to avoid being tempted to sleep with Irulan again. After more baby talk, Irulan hangs up. Alton lies in bed and looks pissed.
Some of the roommates go bungee-jumping for Irulan's birthday. In an interview, Irulan explains that, afterward, they will go out to dinner. As they all check out how high the crane is, Mikey says that he wishes Gabe were there. Irulan doesn't know whether Gabe would jump. Alton looks like he wishes Gabe would jump, minus the bungee cord. Irulan gets strapped into the harness. In an interview, Irulan says that the height made her nervous. Everyone cheers her on, and she dives off the platform. Everyone screams and yells. Alton thinks it was beautiful. Of course he does. Irulan rejoins them and says that it was good. Mikey thinks this will be a great memory for her. They all hug. I struggle to keep my eyes open, because seriously? This is one boring episode so far.
Alton and Mikey head out to find a gift for Irulan. Mikey wants to get her a gold-plated cigarette holder. Alton thinks they can find one. Alton says, "I don't know. I'd love to have a relationship with a certain person, but...[breaks into British accent] that's not it! That's not it at all!" The hell? Why did he just do an accent? Why didn't he name Irulan specifically? Clearly Mikey knows what's up, based on the rest of the scene. Alton fascinates and mystifies me. And bores me. Mikey says that Gabe is his friend, so seeing Alton and Irulan together makes him feel weird, but he knows Irulan and Gabe are good together. In an interview, Alton says that he doesn't understand Irulan because she has Gabe but still wants to figure out what else is out there, which makes Alton think that maybe Gabe isn't the right guy for her. Mikey tells Alton that in his place, Mikey would feel guilty. Alton says that he does. Mikey says that it's Irulan's decision. Yeah, and it's also Alton's decision whether or not to tell Irulan to fuck off. I vote that he does. Alton says he doesn't want to get his "little heart hurt." Mikey warns Alton not to get too attached. In an interview, Alton says that Irulan's relationship with Gabe "draws a very clear line onto how emotionally involved to get" because "there's always that possibility of getting hurt." Snore. Haven't we seen this before in at least two episodes this season? What's different this time? Oh, now they've had sex? Except that they won't admit it on camera, so who cares?
Clearly the editors are as bored as I am. Old-timey music plays, and then we see a title card similar to what you would see in a silent movie, complete with faux film defects. It reads "Irulan's birthday dinner." Alton, holding a bunch of flowers, walks into the restaurant with Mikey. Title card: "Gee...I hope Irulan likes these flowers." You know, I was going to recap this whole thing, but it's just dumb. Basically, Alton gives Irulan the flowers. In an interview, Arissa says that Alton and Irulan are falling for each other. That seems like about the fourth time this season we've seen that interview. Arissa pulls Alton aside and tells him that he "did good" with the flowers. Then they discuss that it was good and that girls like getting flowers. Oh, my God. Kill me now.
The roommates end up at Rain, drinking and dancing. Irulan has many glasses of champagne and starts hanging all over Alton. In an interview, Alton says that Irulan is "the perfect girl" but she has a boyfriend, so he's reminded that he's still single and free to do what he wants, any old time. Alton points out Carrie, a schoolteacher he likes, but Irulan isn't having it. In an interview, Alton say that he met Carrie a few weeks ago and thought she was cute, so he "definitely wanted to...get to know her." That huge pause was quite telling. Irulan gives Alton permission to go talk to Carrie. Well, how generous of her. In an interview, Alton says that Irulan is upset about Carrie, and that there's nothing he can do about it. Except tell Irulan to fuck right off!
Mikey takes Irulan back to the suite. Irulan sits down on the elevator floor, and looks like she's about to puke. Meanwhile, Alton is hitting on Carrie. At least, I think that's what he's doing. He says, "I like the fact that you're like, 'Can we go talk somewhere else?' It's so cool that you're, like, like that." He admires that she suggested they move to a booth and talk? Alton really is simple. Carrie is looking at him like she's completely bored. I feel you, Carrie. Meanwhile, Mikey carries Irulan into the suite. Alton tells Carrie that he likes that she's intelligent and a schoolteacher, and isn't just "in love with all the clubs." Aren't they in a club right now? What is he even talking about? Mikey helps Irulan to the bathroom, where she pukes. Alton and Carrie are now holding hands and smiling at each other. Mikey helps Irulan into bed. Alton and Carrie arrive back at the suite. Alton tells Carrie that he just wants to peek in and make sure his roommate is okay. While Carrie talks to Mikey, Alton goes into Irulan's room, sits on her bed, and hangs out with her. I'm guessing some time passed, because Carrie comes to the bedroom doorway and tells Alton she's leaving. Alton tells her she can't. In an interview, Alton says he'd be a fool not to hook up with other women. Alton and Carrie lounge in the hallway. Alton tells Carrie that he wants to sleep with her. Carrie says she hasn't had sex in a year. Alton says it's been four and a half months, which is a total lie, as mentioned earlier in this recap. I think Carrie puts her hands down Alton's pants, and then she's all, "Oh my God!" Alton tells her he wants to "give [her] some sweet [bleep] tonight." I can't believe any woman would go for that line, even though I'm not exactly sure what the bleeped-out word was. I have some guesses, and they all skeeve me out. ["Corn? Corn, right?" -- Wing Chun] Alton and Carrie head for Alton's bed and get under the blankets. Irulan is passed out in her own bed.
The morning, Alton and Carrie are still in bed. Carrie has on a t-shirt and underwear, and Alton is completely naked (despite what Alton tried to claim on mtv.com, which is that they both slept fully clothed). Trishelle and Steven are in the same room with Alton and Carrie, and are giggling like little kids. Turns out that Alton has kicked the covers off in his sleep and his stuff is all hanging out in the breeze. Well, we don't see it, because it's all blurred out, but clearly they can see it. Steven and Trishelle are dying laughing, but also trying not to wake anyone up. In an interview, Steven says that Alton has the largest penis in the whole world. How do you know, Steven? Frank gets out of the other bed in the room and sleepily walks towards the door. Steven gets Frank's attention and points to Alton. Frank turns and looks and groans like he can't believe it. Steven and Trishelle are still cracking up. Steven finally gets up and puts the blanket back over Alton. In a confessional, Steven says that he, Trishelle, and Frank stood up on the bed, trying to figure out who the girl was. We see them standing and whispering and laughing. A phone rings, and they all take off.
Irulan walks out of her bedroom wearing the same dress she wore the night before. Alton and Carrie walk out of Alton's room, fully dressed. Irulan goes into the bathroom. This whole segment tries to build up tension because Irulan might see Carrie leaving, but then she totally doesn't, so it turns out to be a waste of time. Like much of this episode. I would also like to point out that many teachers have a morals clause in their contracts, and Carrie could get fired. I hope Alton was worth it. Irulan wanders into Alton's bedroom and claims that she might still be drunk. In an interview, Alton says that if Irulan found out about Carrie, she would be uncomfortable, so Alton isn't going to tell her in order to spare her feelings. Good one, Alton. You keep telling yourself that. Really, you're just afraid that she'll cut you off. Alton snuggles Irulan and kisses her arm.
Arissa asks Brynn whether she knows what happened on Irulan's birthday. Brynn claims that she doesn't know anything, and doesn't really seem to care. Arissa is such a shit-stirrer. Arissa says that Alton brought another woman home. Which is totally his right! Irulan has a boyfriend! Why is this a big deal? Arissa says Irulan doesn't know and Arissa won't tell her. Brynn thinks that Alton and Irulan have an understanding and it's not a big deal, but Arissa disagrees. In an interview, Arissa says that if Alton cares about Irulan as much as he says he does, he wouldn't bring someone home. I don't see where it's any of Arissa's business, first of all, and second, I repeat, Irulan has a boyfriend. If she really cares about him as much as she says she does, she wouldn't be hooking up with Alton. And if she really cares about Alton as much as she says she does, she would break up with Gabe. Arissa doesn't understand how Alton can kiss Irulan after being with Carrie. Hmm, didn't Irulan hook up with Alton the night before Gabe came to visit? I think she did. I don't get Arissa's double standard here.
Steven tells Frank that everyone in the house knows what Alton did except Irulan. Frank -- whose face is covered in a white creamy substance that I'm just going to assume, for the sake of my sanity, is face cream of some sort -- is surprised. In a confessional, Steven says that on Irulan's birthday, Alton gave her flowers and then slept with some tramp. Wasn't Steven the one who was telling Alton not to get too involved with Irulan? So why has he changed his tune now? Steven tells Frank that the whole thing could blow up.
Irulan and Brynn talk while they both take showers. In separate stalls. Get your mind out of the gutter. Actually, given the roommates' behavior this season, you can keep your mind in the gutter. Anyway, Irulan says that Alton's not her boyfriend and he can do what he wants. Irulan says that what bothers her more is that people are whispering behind her back. In an interview, Brynn says she's going to tell Irulan that Alton brought a girl home. Didn't she already tell her? Weird editing, there. Brynn says that she heard something happened between Alton and Carrie. Irulan says it bothers her that people are warning her about Alton, because she and Alton have an understanding. Irulan concludes that she just doesn't want to be disrespected.
Irulan and Alton have a discussion about the issue. Irulan tells Alton what she knows and says she doesn't want to be the naïve one while Alton is the player. In an interview, Alton says that Irulan feels disrespected but he just did it to protect himself. Irulan tells Alton that if he is going to tell her one thing and do something else, she will find out. Alton says that's not what happened. Irulan agrees, but just wants him to know, for future reference. Irulan wants Alton to say what he means and mean what he says. Alton agrees. In an interview, Alton says that Irulan is just as scared about becoming too emotionally attached as he is. That's, like, the first thing that Alton has said in this episode that makes any sense.
Irulan and Brynn have lunch while sitting on the same side of the booth, which seems odd. Irulan says that she's confused, because she has fun with Alton, and every time they have a talk, she feels like the air is cleared. Brynn stabs her salad with her fork (fork! Fork! FORK!) and looks really, really bored. I feel you, Brynn. Irulan says that Alton can do what he wants, but at the same time, when he kisses another girl after kissing her, that shows a lack of respect. So what kind of respect was Irulan showing Alton when she slept with Gabe on his visit right in front of Alton? How can she not see the hypocrisy here? In an interview, Irulan says that she has a relationship. Yeah, we got that. Brynn thinks that Alton is scared. Irulan says, "Whatever." Because if it's not about her, she doesn't care. In an interview, Brynn says that Irulan has a boyfriend, so it gives Alton the right to do whatever he wants. Thank you, Brynn, for finally saying that. Brynn uses a chip to scoop something out of her salad. I guess the producers took her fork away as a condition of her probation. Brynn tells Irulan that once you are physical with someone, you can't help having feelings for him or her. In an interview, Irulan says, "I have a boyfriend who I love and who loves me, and I don't just want to be with somebody to say that I have somebody." You don't? Could have fooled me. Actually, I think she just wants to be with somebody to get attention and adoration.
It looks like the morning after her birthday, because Irulan is still wearing that black dress. Irulan calls Gabe and tells him that, the past couple of nights, she and Alton have been sharing a bed and kissing. Irulan says she knows Gabe didn't want her to hook up with a roommate, but she hooked up with Alton. Irulan apologizes. Gabe asks if they had sex. Irulan says that they just kissed. Liar! Gabe says he wishes she and Alton didn't live together, but it's cool. Irulan confirms that he's cool with it. Irulan tells Gabe that it's great that he's so calm, and that's part of the reason why she loves him. In an interview, Alton asks why he would get involved with a girl who has a boyfriend. Good question, Alton. Clearly, there is no shortage of women looking to get with you. Alton says that he got involved with Irulan because of the possibility of something beautiful happening. Irulan baby-talks with Gabe some more and then hangs up.
week: The roommates go to Australia. Steven and Trishelle aren't sleeping together anymore, so Frank makes his move. On Trishelle! Not on Steven.