The Guitar of Why Bother Starting An Episode on Time When You Can Start It Three Minutes Early plays as Malik and Kevin walk down the street. Malik and Kevin walk into the house, and we keep flashing to Nicole, who is wearing an extremely pink outfit. Hmm. I wonder what Nicole is thinking, just standing there in her pink outfit. Maybe the soundtrack could offer a clue. What are the lyrics? "I don't like anyone in the world. I don't care if they don't like me." See, the Bunim-Murray employees are not just editors and producers and such. They are also mind readers. Maybe that somehow explains why Lindsey from Seattle is on the latest Miss Cleo commercial. No, nothing explains that.
Malik continues walking around the house. Nicole continues ignoring him. Nicole voice-overs that she's not going to pretend to be friends with someone who talks behind her back. In an interview, Malik says that he and Nicole aren't talking at all, which helps to "perpetuate an uncomfortable environment." You know, I thought the "I'm not talking to you" defense went out in the third grade. There are people I don't like but with whom I unfortunately have to come into contact from time to time. I don't passive-aggressively throw my nose up in the air and walk away. Because I'm an adult. If I'm truly convinced that I could never work out my problems with this person, I just treat him or her in a civil manner, because I think that doing anything else is just trying to call attention to yourself and saying, "Look at me! I've got a problem!"
That night, Lori and Quarrel discuss the fact that during the Casting Special, Nicole and Malik would have given anything to be on the same show, and now they are, and they don't talk. In an interview, Quarrel says, "It's a shame that there are already people who aren't speaking to each other." Quarrel points out that Malik would talk to Nicole, so the whole thing is kind of Nicole's doing. Cut to Nicole wiping her hands on a towel, and then Malik lying in bed with a towel (a different towel, I assume) over his eyes. So. Nicole. Malik. Not talking. Got it.
Nicole talks to one of the fishes in the tank. Apparently, she has named this fish "Puff Daddy" because he has these gigantic balloon-like puffy things attached to his gills or cheeks or whatever fish have. In a confessional, Nicole says that you probably shouldn't get attached to fish, but this one was so "charismatic." A fish? "Charismatic"? Okay. On the phone, Nicole tells her friend Bobby that all of the fish have rap names. She lists off some of them, "Puffy, Biggie, Snoop, Lauryn Hill, Jay-Z, J.Lo." Bobby asks who feeds the fish. Nicole answers that Malik used to do it, but that he was killing them, so she took over that job. In an interview, Nicole claims that you have to talk to the fish and sing to them, and that she and Rachel are the only ones who care about the fish. Boy, Nicole sure cares about those fish. I hope that none of them die or anything. Do fish live for a long time?
Mike's mother calls him and says, "We're coming to visit you." Mike is confused by the use of the word "we're," since his parents are divorced, and have been since he was in the fifth grade. In fact, they had a "really bad divorce," according to Mike. And now his dad took his mom out for Valentine's Day, and Mike doesn't know what's going on. That is pretty weird.
Rachel, Lori, and Mike discuss their parents. Some random guy is sitting between Lori and Rachel, but he doesn't get any Hip, Non-Squiggly Font, so I have no idea who the dude is. As they talk, they realize that none of the roommates have parents who are still together. Hmm. All of these people have divorced parents, and they all seemed to want attention so badly that they went on this show to get it. Coincidence? Not that all people with divorced parents want attention.
Mike and Malik go out to eat and discuss parents. Mike says that his parents used him as a middleman during their divorce, and would talk bad about each other to him. Ugh, I hate when couples put their kids in the middle like that. Or even worse, use their kids in power plays against each other. Malik comments that he never knew his father, but he knows what an effect his father had on the family. Mike asks what he means, and Malik says that when his father left, he stole all their money, so Malik's family had to go on welfare. Wow, I bet Mike feels bad now for complaining that his parents talked bad about each other. In an interview, Malik says that his father left when he was six months old, so he really has no recollection of his father. Mike asks why Malik's father took the money. I think the proper response by Malik would be, "Because he's an asshole." Instead, Malik says that his father had a new girlfriend and wanted the money to start a new life. In an interview, Malik says that his father hurt his whole family, but that his father has taught him more in his absence than he would have in his presence.
Quarrel braids Malik's hair while Malik continues to discuss his father. Apparently, Malik's father moved all over the place, and like Johnny Appleseed, spread his seed wherever he went. So, Malik has a bunch of half-brothers and sisters that he's never met, and some of them live in New York. Malik reminds us that his mother is white, so the white side of his family raised him. Malik has never met his father's family. Malik tells Quarrel that he especially wants to meet his grandmother. In an interview, Malik explains that he keeps procrastinating calling them, and that part of him is nervous that they won't receive him into their family. So, to sum up, Malik hasn't called them.
Mary-Ellis Bunim: Do you think anyone is still watching this show? Because I don't even want to watch this show anymore.
Jonathan Murray: Oh, our demographics show that ratings are....
Bunim: Shut up. Why can't we make this show more like Love Cruise? I think we need to introduce the Balls of Shame.
Murray: Well, I think Kevin might protest.
After the disclaimer that they aren't re-editing the episodes, Malik gets a phone call from Grandma Ruby, his father's mother. They both seem excited to talk to each other at last. In an interview, Malik says that his grandmother always knew that she had a grandson, and that she has been waiting to meet him. Grandma Ruby says that they want to come and meet him, and is generally just really sweet. A cynical part of my brain wonders why they waited until Malik was on a television show to meet him, if they've known about him since he was born. But I'm just going to tell myself that they couldn't afford, or didn't want, to go all the way to California to meet him. Cynical Part wonders if they couldn't have called or sent a letter or something. Shut up, Cynical Part! Grandma Ruby is cute.
Oh, boy. Mike's parents just showed up. How to describe them? His dad looks exactly like I pictured him. He's a little overweight, and he's got a butt cut (you know, parted in the middle and feathered on the sides). Also, a thin moustache and tinted glasses. Very Midwestern. His mother looks nothing like I expected. She's got really long blonde hair, and a ton of makeup on. In an interview, Mike says that he wants his roommates to meet his parents, but that he's "kind of shaky on Nicole and Coral." Mike thinks that Quarrel has been "hurt by white people," so he doesn't know how she'll react. Mike introduces his parents to Quarrel, who shakes their hands. She's not, like, jumping up and down or anything, but she's certainly been ruder to other people in the house. In an interview, Quarrel says that Mike's parents weren't what she expected, and that Mike's mom looks like "a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader." Heh. She kind of does, but, like, thirty years later.
Mike shows off his room. In an interview, Nicole says she hopes that when Mike's parents see how Mike interacts with the black people in the house, it will affect their perceptions of other races. Or something. I think I snoozed off there in the middle. Mike introduces Kevin to his parents. In a confessional, Mike says that he asked all of his roommates to go to dinner with his parents, but only Kevin went. Mike didn't want to make a big deal out of it, but he really wanted them all to go. So, he expected them to read his mind, apparently. Also, after what they've heard about Mike's parents, would you want to go to dinner with the guy? I wouldn't.
Malik stands outside and voice-overs that he's waiting for his aunt and grandmother to pick him up, and that he's really nervous. Malik's aunt arrives and kisses him hello. She tells Malik that he's handsome. Malik's uncle and grandmother step out of the car. Aw, Malik looks so happy. Grandma Ruby kind of trips over the curb, but Malik is right there to help her out and give her a big hug. His aunt points out again that Malik is handsome, like, did they expect him to be really ugly? Grandma Ruby jokes that Malik looks almost as good as she does and then shoots a look at the camera. Hee!
Malik sits in the back seat of the car with his grandmother. His aunt asks whether they look anything like he expected. Malik says that he can see a little bit of himself in each of them, and Grandma Ruby smiles and pats him on the leg. Hold on, I've got to go call my grandmother and tell her that I love her. In an interview, Malik says that while his mother raised him, he doesn't look anything like his mother's family, so it's great to meet his father's family at last. In the car, Malik softly says, "I can see where I come from."
Mike and Kevin go to dinner with Mike's parents. Mike's dad starts spouting off that Cleveland is a ruined city, and mostly blames it on minorities. He doesn't come right out and say it, couching his discourse in terms like "bad people," and "lack of education." Basically, he's racist, but you can hear echoes of what he's saying in that speech Mike gave to Quarrel and Malik about his uncle not hiring black people. So now we know where Mike got it. Mike sits there silently, with a completely disgusted look on his face. Kevin tries to keep up the conversation without getting sucked into the racial quagmire. Change the subject! Change the subject! In an interview, Mike says that he grew up looking up to his father, so it's weird to hear him make "prejudiced comments that he probably doesn't even realize are prejudiced." You see? Mike has grown! He's changed! I thought they usually saved this crap for the final episode of the season.
Malik eats dinner with his family at a diner, and they tell him about all his cousins and uncles and such. In an interview, Malik says that he always wanted a big family, and that now he has one. Malik explains to his relatives that he always looked to his friends to be like family to him, and that he thinks of Quarrel like a sister. In an interview, Malik says that he wanted the girls to go to dinner with his family, but that it was too cold. Wimps. Malik unwittingly introduces the segment by saying that when people are shut up in a house, they get stir-crazy.
Nicole and Rachel start freaking out because they think their favorite fish, Puff Daddy, is dead. Quarrel checks out the situation and reports that one of Puffy's bubbles is caught in the filter, and he's eating it. Ew! Suddenly, this show should be on Animal Planet. Quarrel thinks that Puffy is dead, but then realizes that he's still alive. Nicole freaks out some more. In an interview, Nicole says that she had to rescue Puffy. Nicole gets a net and climbs up to reach in the top of the tank. None of them thinks to turn off the air filter, but maybe they can't reach the controls. Too bad they don't have a fish guy to yell at, like Cynthia did in Miami. Nicole tries to get Puffy into the net, but it's not working too well. Rachel is on the phone with someone, reporting what happens. Nicole finally gets Puffy out of the air filter, but she explains in an interview that he's not looking too good, because his bubble is deflated and he's blind in one eye. Man. Also, that one segment had more action than the rest of the season combined.
Mike and Kevin walk down the street. Kevin wonders whether Mike will have trouble going back to Ohio and hanging out with his friends, because Mike has grown and changed so much. Shut up, Kevin. And even though he's not talking yet, shut up, Mike. In an interview, Mike says that he's always told his friends not to "drop the n-bomb" around him, but now it's different because he has a black friend. Remember when I told Mike to shut up? He really should have taken my advice. Mike talks about how weird it will be to go home. For some reason, Kevin is doing this bizarre head-bobbing thing while he walks that makes him look like a chicken. What the hell was that?
Murray: So, Mike's dad.
Bunim: I don't care.
Murray: But what about Malik's --
Bunim: Don't care.
Murray: But surely you must want to know about Nicole's --
Bunim: Still not caring.
Murray: Maybe we should just get drunk.
Bunim: "Get"?
The Sad Acoustic Guitar of Death plays as Nicole hugs the fish tank and mock-cries, asking why Puffy had to die so soon. In an interview, Nicole thinks that the fish are dying from lack of love. In an interview, Rachel says that it's terrible to watch Puffy die, because they have such an attachment to him. Too bad Puffy's only attachment was to the air filter, since that's what killed him. Nicole scoops Puffy out of the tank and slowly and solemnly carries the dead fish across the room while Rachel stands by reverently. Nicole tries to convince Quarrel that Puffy is still moving, but Quarrel replies, "He's stinking." Heh. Nicole and Rachel put Puffy in the dirt of a potted plant. Nicole asks for a moment of silence, and then makes a eulogy that is actually pretty funny. Rachel starts scraping dirt over the fish, and Nicole yells out, "No, Puffy! Take me!" In an interview, Nicole says that if more fish die, she might have to resign as "fish guardian." Nicole thanks Rachel for helping her in her time of need, and hugs her. Rachel whispers, "Don't touch me. You touched a dead fish." Heh. Please give us more comic subplots. For the love of all that is holy. Please.
Statue of Liberty Shot #5. Mike tells Lori and Kevin that it was weird to see his parents together. Lori and Kevin are lying on the couch, and I think this is the shot we saw in the "Lori loves Kevin" episode where she jumped on top of him on the couch. ["I would link to that but it's actually on the very same page to which I already linked, where Mike tells Malik and Coral that his uncle won't hire black people. What are the odds?" -- Wing Chun] Mike says that his dad told him he hopes he gets lucky. Mike and Kevin are both pretty disgusted. Have you seen Mike's dad? That is disgusting, not to mention inappropriate. Mike says he wouldn't want to hear that even if his parents were still married.
Malik leads a whole group of people into the house. In an interview, Malik says that these are his friends from California, and that they came out to celebrate his birthday. Nicole watches them all hug from the upstairs balcony. In an interview, Mike says that Malik's friends are diverse, and that all Mike's friends are white. The camera flashes on several of Malik's friends to show off the diversity, but I'm not even going to try to identify their ethnic makeup. Let's just say that they are all different colors. They all laugh and have a good time while Nicole watches them from upstairs.
Malik and his friends walk outside. Malik yells up to Quarrel, who is hanging out the window, that they are going to eat at his uncle's restaurant, and invites her to come. At the restaurant, Malik points out his various relatives and then hops up on the counter and gives his grandmother a kiss. His grandmother wishes him a happy birthday. Malik voice-overs that his friends know how important meeting his family is to him. And so do we, thanks to the approximately one thousand times it's been mentioned this week.
Lori lights candles on a bunch of cupcakes. Malik opens a present from Mike and Kevin. It's a drawing of Bob Marley, I think. Lori asks Nicole to come to the kitchen for five minutes. Nicole lies on the couch and gives Malik the stink-eye. In an interview, Quarrel says that Nicole is stubborn, and that it seems pointless for her to be mad at Malik. This from the same woman who held a grudge against Mike until, like, now. Malik blows out the candles on his cupcakes. Everyone cheers, and Nicole stares at them from her pouting spot on the couch. In an interview, Malik says that he hopes they will all get along someday.
In an interview, Nicole says that she didn't want to celebrate with people who love Malik, because she's not one of those people. Also, she didn't want to "be in that positive atmosphere with [her] negative vibes." In an interview, Kevin explains that they were all going out to a bar to have a party for Malik. In an interview, Malik says that he made sure to invite Nicole, but that he knew she wouldn't come. Malik walks by the pouting spot without so much as a glance at Nicole. She similarly ignores him. In a confessional, Nicole says that she doesn't go to parties for people she doesn't like, and that she did wish Malik a happy birthday, which she thinks was big, because she doesn't wish people she doesn't like a happy birthday. Who has all these rules? Are they written down somewhere? Does she need to consult the rulebook on special occasions? week, I expect Nicole to be reading a book called The Big Book of Pointless Grudges, and looking in the index for "Happy Birthdays, Wishing." Because otherwise, I don't understand how she knows what is big of her, and what is not. Malik leaves, and Nicole continues to read her book and pout.
At Malik's party, there is much cheering and drinking. Mike stands up on a table and praises Malik. I was hoping that Mike would hit his head on the ceiling fan, but no dice. In an interview, Malik says that it felt good to have all of the roommates there, even if Nicole wouldn't come, and that he feels like his family has grown.
At home, Nicole prepares for bed as the "I don't like anyone" song from the top of the episode plays. In an interview, Nicole cries as she says she is trying to be positive, but that everyone keeps telling her that she is stubborn. These shots are alternated with flashes of everyone having fun at the bar. Nicole climbs into bed. In an interview, Nicole sobs that it's hard to feel good about herself when people point out ways in which she is not, and that she's trying to change.
week: Rachel makes a poster that makes Mike mad for some reason. The girls make a pact to go on a date, and Lori meets a cute guy.