Tonight on Real World: see what they did there? It's not "Previously On..." It's "Tonight on..." After weeks of using clips that have never been seen before in the "Previously On..." segment, they're just giving up the ghost. Anyway, Matt and Jamie get on a streetcar. Jamie wants to be more spiritual. Matt says some people are just starting their "spiritual journeys." Namely, Jamie. I didn't know if you would get the subtle allusion. They go to church. Here's my theory on the "Previously On..." thing. Jamie really didn't talk that much about being on a "spiritual journey." So they had to splice all of the times that he did into this one episode. This explains why it was never alluded to before, and will never be again. It's this one episode. That's it. Same with Jamie and Julie's "relationship." But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Some stripper -- sorry, "exotic dancer" -- wearing a schoolgirl outfit writhes on a stage as Jamie and his "friends" enter the strip club. I put "friends" in quotation marks because I really only see one friend. Oh wait, there's a girl there, too, so I guess the plural is justified. In an interview, Jamie says that he has friends visiting every weekend, and said friends want to go out on the town, so he has to go even if he doesn't want to. I was going to make a remark here about how he doesn't have to, but you know what? He kind of does. I mean, I guess he didn't have to invite the friends in the first place, but maybe he's trying to make the most of his short time in New Orleans. And also, he's had friends there every weekend? They've shown friends visiting him a total of one time before tonight. Jamie drinks at the strip club. Jamie gets a lap dance from a female stripper while the two people who would theoretically be the least interested in said lap dance (Danny and some chick who I'm going to assume for purposes of this exercise is straight) look on. Then, they have to recycle clips of the schoolgirl dancer and Jamie chewing on some ice because apparently they didn't get enough footage to make up an entire scene.
Outside the strip club, Jamie tells Melissa that he's "lost perspective of God." Melissa was there? What? Jamie gets into a car and says that going to strip clubs on the Sabbath is not good. Then they put it in slow motion as he pulls away, and play sad music, so that you think that Jamie is really unhappy about his wild lifestyle. In an interview, Jamie says that he just wanted to get home and away from the whole thing.
Jamie and Matt are sitting in an alley somewhere. I think it might be to their house, but who knows? Matt is wearing a shirt that looks like someone took every possible color of paint, in the brightest, most eye-splitting hue, and smooshed it all together onto some fabric. That's Matt's shirt. Jamie is sitting there in a stocking cap and sunglasses, so we're supposed to think he's hung over. If he is, he might want to avoid looking at the brightness of Matt's shirt. He might want to avoid it, regardless of his current state. Jamie says that it's not normal to go out like that every weekend. Sure it is. It's called college. Matt says he noticed Jamie's activities, and of course he has, because it's given him one more thing to judge Jamie about. Matt proves my theory correct when he says in an interview that Jamie has developed a habit of going out all the time and "it's not doing him any good." Dude, he's just out of college, he's living in New Orleans rent-free -- if he wants to go out every night, let him. Soon enough he'll have to live in the real world (no pun intended) and have a job and stuff, and he won't be able to. Jamie tells Matt he wants to "live his life without a lot of that stuff." They probably edited out the part where Jamie added, "eventually." In an interview, Matt (who is wearing that same smooshed-paint shirt) says that Jamie knows that if he keeps "indulging in these ephemeral pleasures," it's not going to help him "along that road." What road? God, I hate the editors. Jamie says he wants to break away from this "insane, intoxicating debauchery." They edited out the part where he added, "someday." Matt says Jamie has "morning-after" syndrome, where after indulging, Jamie is wondering if it was worth it. Matt feels that if it doesn't give you "peace and happiness," it's not worth it. So I guess me watching this show is not worth it? They talk about cutting it away and whittling it off. Don't ask. In an interview, Matt says that Jamie is realizing there are "parts of his life that cannot stay if he's going to continue to grow as a spiritual person." Can't you just see Matt in twenty years as the guy who greets you when you walk into church, but inside he's silently judging you for what you are wearing, or who you are with, or whatever? Hmm, maybe I'm the one that has issues. Then Jamie skateboards down the street. I'm not quite sure what that was supposed to signify. I guess it was just filler.
Jamie and Melissa are snuggling in a bed. Melissa is kissing him on the cheek, and they're giggling. The music says, "You know I love you, baby." Julie walks in and peeks around the corner, but we never see what she is peeking at. It could be Melissa and Jamie. It could be Matt's shirt from earlier -- maybe she didn't want to look directly at it for fear of burning out her corneas. Melissa says that she needs a man, and Jamie agrees. Julie continues to peer in. Jamie says that Melissa needs a man because she's horny. Suddenly, Julie is standing right to the bed, and they've clearly been having a conversation, and Julie says, "See you later!" But they cut right from Julie peering around the corner to Julie standing by the bed. Weird. Jamie says that Julie needs a man too. Julie leaves as she says, "I don't need no stinkin' man!" Melissa tells Jamie she doesn't need a man because she's horny -- she wants "love and affection and attention." In other words, she doesn't want to have sex with Jamie -- she just wants his attention. Because I think we've all learned this season that Melissa likes attention. Melissa turns away and says she doesn't know what to do with herself. Jamie has a look on his face that I'm sure we're supposed to interpret as, "I don't know how to tell Melissa that I don't love her." But it kind of looked to me like he was thinking, "God, I really have to go to the bathroom right now." Or, "Hey, I wonder if there's any leftover pizza downstairs." I mean, really.
Melissa comes in the house and immediately goes to discuss her date with Julie. Melissa tells Julie that Eric has a girlfriend, and that he told her straight out. In an interview, Julie says that right now, Melissa needs to "quit trying to change the external and start working on the internal." Do you see the theme of this episode? Do you? Too bad, because the editors will only continue to hammer it home for the second half of the show. Melissa says that Eric had "the friendship talk" with her and they weren't even going out, and now she feels like she "got dumped." Then Julie looks sad, then Melissa looks sad. Aw, I feel kind of bad for Melissa. I think future Real World-ers should make a policy of not dating locals while taping, because you don't know if they are interested in you or the cameras. If they really are interested in you, they will still be interested when taping is over. Just a little advice from Aunt Kim.
We hear giggling and Julie says, "I can't believe us talking about this." Jamie claims to be a good kisser, and they flirtatiously discuss what it means to be a good kisser. In an interview, Jamie says that out of the seven roommates, "Julie, the virgin, has the strongest sex drive in the whole house." Julie asks Jamie if he's a biter, and he clarifies that he is a nibbler. I can't believe I just typed that sentence. Julie plays with a hair clip as the music says, "I just want to get down in the house." What could the editors be trying to say here? Julie tells Jamie she can't kiss him because they are roommates. Jamie implies that he's a really good kisser, again. In an interview, Melissa says that Julie wants a challenge. Whoa! Melissa's hair is really long in this interview. Like, it was either before she got her haircut or the day before they moved out. Julie says that she thinks Melissa would have a problem with Julie and Jamie kissing. In an interview, Julie says that she "honestly thinks [Melissa] has feelings for Jamie," and she doesn't want anything to come between her and Melissa as friends. We see a shot of Melissa looking at Julie and Jamie with a sour expression, and it so conveniently fits in with what Julie just said in her interview. It's like they planned it or something. Then they reuse two clips from earlier -- Julie playing with the hair clip, and saying, "I can't believe us talking about this." Like, clearly, the "Julie and Jamie" flirting thing didn't last long enough for an entire scene, so they had to use a couple of things twice. Whatever.
Coming back from commercial, they show a human statue dressed as some sort of Virgin Mary/angel, and I rewound the tape five times because it looked really cool. I totally thought it was a statue and then some guy put money in front of her and she bowed to him.
Oh yeah, the show. Melissa and Jamie are sitting on the steps. Melissa is eating a pound cake, it looks like, and Jamie is eating grapes. Jamie asks her if she knows what "Zazen" is, and Melissa doesn't. Jamie reads to her from a piece of paper, and says it's "the practice of sitting and concentrating together." In an interview, Jamie babbles about "higher consciousness." Could I be less interested in the "Jamie's spiritual awakening" subplot? Maybe; only if it was Matt's spiritual awakening. Jamie asks Melissa to practice "thirty seconds of Zazen" and to "be mindful of everything." Jamie explains what "everything" means. Thanks, dude. Melissa rolls her eyes and chews on her pound cake, but agrees. Then the sound guys turn the volume up so that we hear, very loudly, the streetcar bell, the church bells, dogs barking, birds chirping. Hmm, peaceful. No roommates talking. I wish we could have thirty minutes of Zazen every week. Well, it would be kind of difficult to recap. Jamie says, "Do you think I could hit our car with this grape?" Hee hee! That's totally the kind of thing I would say if I were bored. Melissa laughs at him because he couldn't even stay silent for thirty seconds. Jamie laughs. In an interview, Jamie is wearing Matt's smooshed-paint shirt. I guess if he couldn't get spiritual on his own, he thought wearing Matt's shirt might help. Jamie says he's "not there yet." Jamie invites Melissa to a party at an art gallery that will be full of "pretentious, emotional people." It's the perfect Real World party!
The art gallery really is filled with pretentious people. Melissa bumps into someone she knows, and in an interview, she explains that it's Lionel, an "artist friend" of hers. She asks what he's doing the day and proposes that they grab lunch together and then paint. Lionel thinks that sounds great.
Melissa is at Lionel's house (I guess) and admiring his paintings. She runs her hand over one, and I think it's still wet and she's going to ruin it. I was wrong. The paintings are really good. Melissa comments on some "baby table" -- that it's in their house, so maybe Lionel did some of the artwork at Belfort? Who knows. Lionel shows her a cool Flash movie on his computer. Melissa voice-overs that Lionel is "someone to be admired." She looks at the painting he is working on for Jazzfest. In an interview, Melissa says it's nice that Lionel is "taking time out of his busy painting schedule to teach [her]." Melissa strikes "a deal" with Lionel so she can come over every Sunday for a painting lesson, and says that Lionel can laugh when she leaves. Lionel asks if he can laugh while she is still there. Go, Lionel! He's funny.
Some little kid runs into the bedroom and tells Jamie to wake up. What the? Who is he? He starts wailing on Jamie with a pillow. Okay, the kid can stay. Jamie explains in an interview that "Gregory is a kid [he] met down on Magazine Street," and Jamie thought he could help him out. Help him out with what? Registering a domain name? Learning where all the good strip clubs are? Jamie asks for five more minutes of sleep, and then he'll mud wrestle with Gregory.
Julie and Gregory are outside in the same mud pit from the credits last week. In an interview, Jamie says that when Julie said she was making a mud-wrestling pit, "the immediate thing that popped into [his] mind was, 'Yes!'" Gregory is wearing Jamie's kilt, which is pretty cute since it comes down to his ankles. He introduces Julie and Jamie like boxing announcers do. Jamie is in swimming trunks and Julie has on shorts and a top. Melissa, Kelley, Lionel, and others watch from the porch. The match begins, and Jamie just throws Julie down in the mud a few times. Melissa laughs. You know how they were trying to make it out earlier like she was sour about the whole thing? She's clearly not, at least in this scene. Jamie voice-overs that mud wrestling is cool, raw, and primal. Julie strips down to her sports bra. Jamie says it's "animal-ly, the way she looks at you." They begin wrestling again, and Julie is actually on top for a while. Julie voice-overs that Jamie was beating her up at first, but then she started to come back, and then he "slammed [her] down on [her] neck." Let me draw upon my Smackdown! recapping experience to say that Jamie performed a DDT on Julie. Ow! In a confessional, Julie says she doesn't know what she was thinking with the mud pit. Then they start showing the mud pit in slow motion with close-ups on various body parts, as Jamie voice-overs that Julie emits a "vibe of sexual energy." Julie straddles Jamie in the mud pit. Melissa says that it's "getting sexual now." Now? The editors have been making it sexual for about ten minutes! In an interview, Melissa says that she "can't deny her sexual attraction to Jamie," and it's "bittersweet that [she] can't have him." I think that footage was from before she cut her hair. Could they be trying any harder to make this into "Melissa is jealous of Julie and Jamie"? And it's still not working. Julie and Jamie rub the mud off their faces and hug.
In an interview, Julie says, "That night..." and then stutters and stammers as if she is trying to choose her words carefully, and ends with, "It's just weird." We see the shot from the preview last week of Julie standing on the steps and kissing Jamie. In an interview, Jamie explains how the kiss happened. Basically, they got closer and closer. Wow, that was helpful. I swear to God, they play Love Boat music during the kiss, which appears to last all of two seconds, because they cut away really quickly.
week: Matt sees a girl he thinks is cute, and it causes him to go into an epileptic fit. At least, that's how I interpreted it. Meanwhile, David has to produce the TV show (remember those?) which will be the seventh (!). We see, as Matt aptly describes it, "strippers parading around in their own bathing suits." I don't know why it mattered who the bathing suits belonged to. One of the strippers takes a digger. Hee!
Over the credits, Jamie sings in the shower about how cold he is, and how it makes his penis small. See, even thought it's kind of dumb, I much prefer this Jamie to self-important Jamie. Julie complains about his singing, and he starts chasing her around the bathroom while holding a T-shirt in front of his, well, small penis. Hey, he said it, not me. Julie freaks out and Jamie laughs.