Previously on The Real World: Julie's brother, Alan, was coming to visit. Funny, previously they only mentioned that some guy was coming to visit Julie, and didn't say that it was her brother. Yet, they try to make it out like we knew that all along. Danny has a boyfriend named Paul, who is in the military, so he cannot be out to the general public, because the American government is stupid and backward. Well, the "stupid and backward" part is my editorializing. Danny said the rest of it. Kelley met a guy named Peter, who has a girlfriend who does not live in New Orleans. So Kelley is going to laissez les bon temps rouler!
At a club called 735, Danny is bartending topless. I nearly get swept away by a river of drool, originating from every straight woman and gay man in North America (except me). Good thing I have flood insurance! Seriously, I think Danny is okay and all, but I don't understand the lust he inspires in so many. He really doesn't even have that great of a body. He's actually kind of...well, flabby. I don't mean fat flabby, I just mean non-toned flabby. I don't mind a little flab here and there, but if you're going to work in a topless environment, you should at least have the goods. Anyway, I know that no one out there agrees with me on this, so I'll shut up now. In an interview, Danny says that he works on Thursday nights, and it's an opportunity to make a lot of money. Well, only if he gets his ass to the gym Monday through Wednesday. Oops, I said I was done with that issue, didn't I? Sorry. Danny continues the interview by saying that working there is a temptation because there are "so many good-looking people." We see him in the bar, meeting some guy named "Wes," who I don't think is all that good-looking, but then again, he doesn't care what I think, since I'm female. In an interview, Danny says there is "a battle between putting his time and effort into Paul" or meeting new people in New Orleans. Well, he's allowed to meet new people. He just can't kiss them and stuff. Wes asks Danny if he'll be bartending all night and Danny says that he has to be good and he doesn't need to get into trouble. How did that answer his question? Is this some sort of gay code language that I just don't know about? God, I'm so old and boring. Anyway, a moment later, Wes forgets Danny's name and Danny teases him about it, and gives him the old sparkle-eyes, and for about two seconds I see what everyone likes so much about Danny. Then I see a flash of armpit hair, and it's gone. He had me, and he lost me.
Kelley is sitting outside smoking (!) and talking to Danny, who is wearing that gray sweater. It's like the two most-discussed forum topics (smoking and the sweater) converged into one scene. Danny says that before he moved there, he told all his friends that he wouldn't hook up and his friends laughed, but he said he wouldn't do it. Kelley says, "Yeah, right." In an interview, Danny says that there's a voice in the back of his head telling him to go for it. Dude, maybe you should talk to someone about the voices in your head. That is not a good sign. Didn't you watch ER last year, when Lucy got stabbed? These things take root in your twenties. I know because Mark Greene told me. Oh wait, where was I? Danny's saying in an interview that it would be different if he had more time to "hang out" before leaving, and that he's been thinking about Paul the entire time.
Danny is on the phone with Paul. Man, all you Danny-lovers must be in paradise this week. It's like he's Melissa, he's getting so much camera time. They are wrapping up their conversation and Paul says, "Have fun." Danny asks what he means by that, like Paul is going to slip a "I don't care if you kiss other boys" statement in the end of the conversation like that. Way to make him suspicious, Danny! Paul clarifies that he feels "like a distraction," which Danny denies, but Paul says that sometimes it feels that way. Oh Lord, please do not let him turn into another Stephanie, Nathan's girlfriend from the Seattle season. I already have to deal with her when recapping those episodes, and it's about all I can take. In a confessional, Danny says that he's going to try to hold off and stay faithful to Paul, but he doesn't know if he can. Danny hangs up the phone, so we don't really know how or if that situation was resolved. In a confessional, Danny says he's never felt like this before and he misses Paul a lot. Yeah, we got that, Skippy. Can we move along here? Danny gets into bed with Kelley and tells her he feels "like a hypocrite." How is he like a hypocrite? I hate these out-of-context statements. I have no idea to what he is referring, unless I am just being dense. Which is entirely possible. I'm sure y'all will let me know in the forums if I'm missing something. Anyway, Kelley says that "New Orleans is gay central," and that Danny is going to get hit on constantly. I didn't get the memo about New Orleans being gay central. I'd better call the Gay Head Office and give them my new address. Danny says he wants to be strong, and "quit being so retarded." Kelley tells him to be strong and have some convictions in life. I have no idea if she's telling him to cheat on Paul or not.
Kelley is on the phone with Peter, making plans. Peter suggests going to the river and watching the sunset. In an interview, Julie says she thought Jamie and Kelley were going to hook up. We see a shot of Jamie walking out of the kitchen without a shirt on. I know Jamie is gross and all, but damn, he has a nice body. No flab there! Julie says that she wants to strike that from the record because she doesn't think it's going to happen now. Julie looks out the window and watches Kelley and Peter leave. Julie, get a life!
Peter and Kelley go to a park. In an interview, Kelley says that right now their relationship is "day to day." They are both drinking out of bottles in paper bags, I guess to circumvent open-container laws, but they just look like well-dressed winos. In an interview, Kelley says that she has had a good time the last four days, but of course she would, because you always have a good time at the beginning of a relationship. Notice that she says they've only been dating for four days. How messed up is the timeline of this season so far, when she met Peter four days ago, and yet it was two episodes ago? At least on Survivor, you know that each episode represents three days. Kelley and Peter snuggle and watch the sunset. Kelley tells Peter that she was talking to a friend on the phone, and her friend asked if she had met any guys. Kelley told said friend that she met one named Peter, and that he's twenty-eight, and that he's really hot. What was the point of that piece of information? In a voice-over, Kelley says she's taking it slow, and she's not going to jump head-first into anything.
Melissa is talking to Kelley while reading a magazine. Melissa asks if Peter has cute friends, and says that Peter is really nice. Kelley is brushing her teeth, but manages to agree that Peter is really cool. Melissa brings up Peter's girlfriend. Kelley says that Peter told the girlfriend that he met Kelley, which shows how cool he is. Yeah, it's really cool to dump your girlfriend for some chippy on a reality television show. Melissa asks if Peter "straight up broke out with honesty?" Kelley says he told the girlfriend that he met a girl, and he likes hanging out with her. Or at least that's what he told Kelley he said. I do admire Peter for not going behind his girlfriend's back, but really, how could he when this whole thing is going to be broadcast nationwide? She would find out sooner or later, so the smart thing to do is tell her now and come off as the last honest man. In an interview, Kelley uses way too many qualifiers by saying she is "slightly apprehensive" and she "could be potentially setting [herself] up to be let down in the end." I think that maybe it's possible that Kelley might at some point actually say something without in some way hedging her bets. But probably not. Melissa concludes that Peter's girlfriend is "out of sight, out of mind."
Julie and Matt walk down the street at night and get onto an empty streetcar. Julie notes that the whole car is empty and says she's not sitting to Matt, then. Matt really looks like he could not care less what Julie does. Julie sits a few rows behind him. In a confessional, Matt says that there is a "weirdness" between him and Julie that prevents them from talking, and he doesn't know what it is. I have written in my notes that Matt makes a "weird gesture" during this speech, but that really doesn't adequately describe it. He looks like Pauly Shore on crack. Which would be Pauly Shore, I guess. I wish I could describe it to you, but suffice it to say that he starts out pointing at the camera and twists his hands around, and ends up making a big L for Loser at the end. Back on the streetcar, Julie had abandoned her "sitting far away from Matt" plan to engage in her "sitting right behind Matt and hugging him" plan. In an interview, Julie says that "since day one, Matt had some awareness that [she] was attracted to him," and she doesn't see how he couldn't. Yeah, me neither, given the googly eyes she was making at him during that first episode. Julie tells us that she and Matt are having "communications issues," meaning they don't talk to each other very much, and when they do it's "more like him talking at [her]." I can't imagine Matt preaching to someone! Oh, wait, yes I can, since he does it every week. Matt says he loves his computer. Julie says that he made love to his computer. Oh, gross. I don't want to think about Matt making love in any context, ever. Matt says his computer is "full-figured" and he hugs it and rocks it to sleep, and they have a cool relationship. What? Is that supposed to be a joke, or something? I don't get it. Matt says that the best part of his computer is that he can control it. Well, he actually says that he can turn it on and off, but you know that's what he meant. Julie says, "It listens to you." Matt says, "Exactly." Man, can't you just see Matt in twenty years with a "little woman" who does his bidding and scary Stepford children? He seems like a bit of a control freak.
Suddenly, it's daytime and Julie is at the airport, picking up her brother, Alan. He looks exactly like her, but his face is a little chubbier and he has darker, short hair. But they have the same face. In an interview, Julie says that Alan is an important person in her life, because they have the "same scene." Julie tells Alan about a vintage guitar shop she found. In a voice-over, Julie says that her brother is a good person to talk to, and she's glad he came to visit.
Danny and Wes, the guy he was flirting with earlier, are in a bar with a group of people. In an interview, Danny says that Wes is one of the guys to whom he is honestly attracted, but he has Paul back home. Do you think Danny is trying to say that he's feeling conflicted about his relationship with Paul? I'm not sure. I wish they would show more footage of Danny talking about how he feels about the relationship. A stripper comes out at the bar and Danny appears confused, wondering how the stripper appeared, and it's all really weird. Then, one of the people in their group appears to be a member of the Dixie Chicks. Danny suggests going back to his place and getting in the hot tub, but he barely has the words "going back" out of his mouth before the Dixie Chick is all, "Yeah! Woo hoo! Great idea! Let's go! I'm going to be on camera!" Back at Belfort, the men are getting naked and getting into the hot tub. Danny says that all he is wearing is "a smile and the hair on [his] head." A tsunami of drool wipes out the Empire State Building and other major New York City landmarks. Wes does a cannonball into the hot tub. There are four guys and the Dixie Chick. In an interview, Danny says that he is sitting in a hot tub, and he realizes these guys are very attractive, and that they're probably attracted to him as well. That Danny, nothing gets by him. Danny says that "any time you mix alcohol and attractive people, things happen." Then there's a dramatic cut to commercial while we all ponder Danny and Paul's relationship. Will Danny cheat? I'm fretting here!
Back from commercial, Danny says in an interview that he started to sober up and realized that his guests have to go, and that he has to get out of the situation. Wow, they didn't wait long after the commercial to resolve that issue, did they? Everyone gets out and gets dressed and leaves. In an interview, Danny says he hasn't seen Paul in a few weeks and it's hard to be faithful. But do all the other men tempt Danny? I wish they would answer these hard-hitting questions. Danny goes upstairs and it's lights out.
Danny and Kelley are eating in the kitchen. Danny asks her, "If you're with somebody, is it wrong to fantasize about other people?" Kelley doesn't think it's wrong. Danny says he feels guilty, and that he wouldn't act on it. Dude, she said no. Kelley reassures Danny that that's the point of fantasy, and that it's not wrong at all, and that you have to do it. Danny says otherwise, it would be boring. Kelley says he's only human, of flesh and blood he's made. He's only human, born to make mistakes. Sorry, '80s flashback. Anyway, Danny says that makes him feel better. Kelley jokes, "Good, because it's all about you." Ha! Maybe Kelley could get a job as an MBTV recapper!
Julie says that she got everyone "Valentine's Day crap" and she has it spread out all over her bed. Melissa says that Valentine's Day is the stupidest thing she ever heard of. Julie says she got everyone "little heart things." Melissa asks if she can see hers, and Julie holds it up. It says, "You crack me up," with a little picture of a chicken coming out of an egg. Danny's says, "Be my lover, baby, change is good." Julie thinks this is hilarious, but I find it a little offensive, especially since we know that she disapproves of Danny's "lifestyle." David's says, "Slow down." Julie also thinks this is hilarious. Melissa says that Julie is the biggest nerd she ever met, and that Valentine's Day makes her grouchy, so everyone can kiss her butt. I was much like Melissa up until I met my boyfriend six years ago, so I can't give her too much crap. Over this issue, that is. I will still continue to give her crap over everything else.
The doorbell rings, and the postman hands Melissa a bunch of packages. They are all for Jamie, and they are his Valentine's Day gifts for his housemates. Jamie opens them (and we see in a quick shot that they are from BN.com, which must meet the criteria of official Real World affiliate). Julie just wants the bubble wrap. Jamie hands out a bunch of wrapped books. The only one we get to see is Danny's gift, a copy of Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. In an interview, Jamie says he bought them book that he thought they would benefit from. Could he be any more condescending? Because he's so much smarter than everyone else, he needs to show them the way to improve themselves. And he started with Ayn Rand. Whatever. And Jamie? Shut up. You only got ten seconds of screen time and you managed to annoy me. Melissa tells Danny that he'll love the book. Whatever.
Danny is in the kitchen alone, and Melissa gets all up in his business, asking him what he got. Danny got two letters from Paul, and says that Paul writes the best letters. Melissa notices that Paul filled the envelopes with shells (probably because of the time they spent on the beach? Remember that picture?). Melissa says, "I hate you. I hope you rot in hell."
Melissa can't get enough of other people's business. She asks Kelley if Peter is sending her Valentine's Day gift or bringing it over. Melissa thinks Kelley will get flowers. Kelley says Peter isn't a flower person. In an interview, Kelley says that Peter is taking her to dinner for Valentine's Day, and the place is going to be a surprise.