Tense Guitar chords play. Joe is on the phone (yet another Phone Call of Pain!) with one of his professors, Professor STONER, hee hee. Stoner, dude. Joe chomps on gum, slumps, and rolls his eyes during the harangue: "I need to be in a position to pass you in this class." Hee hee, "position." Maybe, bend over? Sorry. Joe gets all exposition-y and says that Prof Stoner "is unhappy with my contribution to the class." Mm-hmm, I see that now. Stoner-dude keeps yelling: "You said you would do the work in Miami! You said you would be in communication!" Joe weakly protests for a bit, then says between clenched teeth, "What do you need from me in order to complete the class?" Prof Stoner is like, Dude! Mellow! Out! Kidding. "Take a recent event like why you chose not to go into the business, and capture what you did and why." Good idea! Because that very subject is so interesting! Except for the interesting part. Some grunge chords play (I think it's Live, ugh) and Joe sits sadly in an interview and explains how hard it is for him to concentrate on school while he's in Miami "in vacation mode," but he "has to graduate in May." Ooh, my fingernails, they are so bitten. Because I'm worried. Heh.
Business meeting. Landon's here, with his arms folded, looking as crushed and crumpled as ever. Poor Landon. Sarah says they need a scheduling manager and a marketing coordinator for Delicious Deliveries. Flora says she wants to do the ordering and receiving, "whatever the day thing is." Keeping her nights free for the men in her life, that's thoughtful. Don't put those white jeans away yet! Sarah asks Joe if he's "out." As a tiny lothario (tm CrewBaby)? Lover of giantesses? A bit of a ho? Yes, Joe's out. Oh, she meant the business. My bad. Joe says, "It's up to you guys...it's not just my decision." Oh, you tiny little passive-aggressive thing, you. Cut to an interview of Mike saying that Joe is out, then the group debates the merits of having insurance.
Sarah and Flora jam rollerblades on their feet (watch for spiders!) and roll all over town spying...I mean getting information from real dessert business...I mean their competitors. Flora says, "Can I get a menu to go?" Sarah asks for prices of baked goods. Dude, once I was writing a piece about novelty pet items and went into a pet shop and started taking notes, and I so got yelled at by the owner lady because she thought I was a competitor, spying on her business. So I told her I was just a writer and not another pet-store owner and she calmed down, but these Miami bakery shop guys? Have no idea. You guys are about to be put out of business by Delicious Deliveries! Run! Hide! Except for the...oh, you know.
It's daytime. Joe has assembled his roomies. After a too-brief apology, the lambasting begins. Ah, blame: "I've been hurt by the inconsistencies of the group, people not showing up, working part time." Joe then says via voice-over that he's taping this "session" for Professor Stoner. Then we get a nice shot of Joe blathering on, as is his wont, through the eye of the camera. Hello, paging Foucault. May I go out on a limb and suggest that this is the moment when The Real World became far too self-aware and self-referential to be honest and spontaneous? No, that was probably in season two, Los Angeles, when Jon made the beeper comment/crack to David. Sigh. Joe begins to call out his roomies, blaming them for his premature withdrawal. Dan is first. "Dan, I told you about your personality and confronted you on a few things..." What a colossal ass! Dan, thank the lord, says via interview that he "had enough of Joe telling us we didn't live up to his expectations and that we let him down. Tough!" Word, word, a thousand times word. Joe continues his rant: "I don't give a crap-ass about fashion!" Hee hee! The closed captioning actually said "crap-ass"! Then Sarah says Joe is trying to "rain on the parade of Delicious Deliveries," and before I can make a someone-left-the-cake-out-in-the-rain joke, Joe says patronizingly, "This is Sarah's little project, but this is something you're working on for Mark." Sarah smiles in an evil way. Somewhere, Mark cuts pies, then rubs his hands together and laughs maniacally. Joe blathers on: "I'm not happy living Mark's dream. I wanted to live seven people's dreams." Melissa says what any reasonable person would if they were being spoken to in this way: "Hellooo?" Good one, Melis.
The sky, she is stormy. Joe's on the phone with Professor Stoner. Which is also stormy. Dude. The Prof is saying Joe is a loser. Yay! Actually he says that he's surprised Joe has fucked up so badly, since he's usually "a solid performer." Oh, eww. Joe has the nerve to intone, "I 'haven't done the work.' I'm hurt." Prof Stoner yells back, "Joe, I'm hearing in so many ways how you've been hurt by so many people!" Oh, word infinity. Joe says tightly, "You said you needed to know my contributions to class, and..." "I don't know those, Joe." Some ersatz Nine Inch Nails starts up and the vocals go, "What do I have to do!" Oh, boy. They fight (tm Ace). "I have done the work!" "You have not!" You must pay the rent! I can't pay the rent! Stoner really harshes on Joe's mellow and says, "Everyone is letting you down. Maybe you should look in a mirror! Maybe you're part of the problem!" Dude! That was so cool! Joe makes a face, looks in the camera, and pouts. The ersatz grunge is cranked up and we go to commercial.
Joe, channeling that old O.J. Simpson/Hertz ad, races through the airport as fast as his little legs will take him. He's flying back to New York to kiss his professor's ass. "I had to do something to make the sky shake," he says. Hole plays their terrible Fleetwood Mac cover and the plane takes off.
The plane lands. A yellow cab and the Squiggly Font of Introduction (tm Djb) lets us know Joe's in New York now. A classmate (who has inexplicably agreed to help Joe) follows the Tiny One as he navigates the streets. Cordell is a mild-mannered, square-shouldered, suit-and-tie-wearing bespectacled black man. Very professional. Very helpful. Why he's helping Joe, I have no idea. Oh wait -- could it be the cameras? Joe jogs alongside Cordell in a horrible striped gray rugby shirt and a schlumpy backpack over one shoulder, blathering: "The only reason I'm here is to say, Professor Stoner, I am living the freakin' class. I have to prove it to him." Cordell says Joe doesn't have to prove anything, but rather has to "have a presence in the class." Cordell. You are so wise. Joe says in a sit-down, "Professor Stoner needs to see me, my class needs to see me." Joe? You are backwards, boy. You NEED to be in class, your classmates do not NEED to see you. God! The world does not revolve around you, peewee!
Subplot alert: Sarah and Flora fight about whether Mark should be an equal partner in the business. Flora says no, Sarah says yes. Flora yells as Sarah plays solitary hackeysack. "Whose idea was it?" "His! Whose money is it?" "Ours. So the two and two make what? It seems pretty equal." "We'll make shirts and hats, and Mark's idea is nixed." Sarah keeps playing hackeysack as the Tense Chords start up again.
Mark's office. He's set up an appointment with a realtor -- he, Sarah, and Flora are going to look at store spaces. Sarah is psyched, Flora sulky. Mark looks all intense and Sipowicz-y. They look at the place. The realtor says, "This is choice!" That is so '80s. Mark gets all excited and talks about putting refrigerators in and having gummy bears over there, and Flora scowls and stomps around and is generally disagreeable. In a sit-down, Flora wears a yellow, lace-up pirate shirt, making her seem completely bizarre when she says, "This is my business, and I'm not going to give it up like that." Girl, give up the yellow lace-up pirate shirts. Now.
Now we're back in New York. You can tell because they have footage of yellow cabs and the Empire State Building. Joe's having lunch with Cordell and doing his work for the class at the same time. And here I though Joe was a unitasker. Cordell leads Joe through the assignment: "These are just some questions to read to the class, about you." Joe's like, "Yeah! I'll do it!" Because Joe wants all work to be all about him.
Business meeting with Mark. It's tense. Mike plays the bad cop. "It's our money, it's your idea. We're going to allocate 85% of the shares, and what's left over? You can have up to 8% of that." Oh, that seems fair. Mark, a total pro, says, "We're going to take a look at your offer. We're not far." Flora blinks rapidly and looks pissed. Sarah says, "We'll hear from you in the morning then! Night!"
Surprisingly, there are no Tense Chords to score this fight between Sarah and Flora. Sarah says, "Mark is not out to make a quick buck!" I don't think he is, either. Mark, unlike the rest of these clowns, saw an opportunity and went for it. Sarah then relays via voice-over, "They don't have to have Mark at all, if they're such brainiacs." See, but they're not, though. They do need Mark. She keeps yelling at Flora: "Who are you on the phone to all day getting advice? You just wanna take, take, take, and take, take, take some more! Maybe tomorrow Mark will give us the big thumbs down, and then you'll feel really accomplished!" Yeah! Flora lets the dog out and yells, "But I'm not going to go to bed with Mark, and you're not going to go to bed with Mark, you're not going to suck his dick." That was not a strange edit, people. Sarah rolls her eyes and delivers this zinger: "You're right, Flora, I've never done that to get a job." Mike says, "Ooh," all Mike Douglas-y. Flora says, "You have to think of Mark as a partner, not as a friend, and I've never sucked a dick to get a job, either." Here I cough and say "Louis." You probably do too. Sarah says, "You proposed it, man." We see the house at night, and the moon in the sky, and we're out.
It's still night. Blues Traveler is playing. Can I just tell you that I used to think Blues Traveler were scum, because a friend of mine was friends with them, and when he was leaving Philly to move to LA that guy John Popper sent a stripper to the party, and it really devastated the guy's girlfriend? She was crushed he was leaving her to go to LA, but the stripper thing was a blow, too. It wasn't until years later that I realized the girlfriend had colossal problems, and that a stripper at a party shouldn't make anyone cry, unless they're slicing onions or something, and that John Popper is probably an all right guy. But I'm not a fan or anything. Anyway, Sarah's sitting by the pool with a guy. The Squiggly Font of Introduction (tm Djb) says the guy is Michael, "Sarah's friend." He has this look of painful lust on his face like, "Oh my god, I really want to kiss her, but she probably doesn't want to kiss me, and anyway she won't stop talking about the business and who the team players are, and the cameras are here, and oh my god, can she see my boner in these pants? Shit." But I'm just guessing.
Flora and Sarah's room. They fight some more. "Are you not going to talk to me for the eight weeks?" "If you don't know why I'm not talking to you, I'd rather you not apologize to me." "Do you want to tell me now or later?" Flora gets a haughty, faux-dignified look on her puss and says, all upwards-rising-inflection-y, "The sucking thing?" Sarah says bringing up sex when they were talking business "really offends [her]. So to get back at [Flora], that's what [she] said." That Tracy Bonham song plays, "I'm losing my mind, everything's FIIINE!" Anvil.
Mark is back with his agenda. He's faxed it to Landon and has copies for everyone there. "I'll only get involved with the mutual consent of all of you. I want the same opportunities to buy shares as you have. Are you comfortable?" Flora raises her gorgon head and says, "I am comfortable, it's your idea and our money..." then her voice fades out, and Joan Osborne gets cranked way up, singing, "My right hand! My right hand maaan!" It's raining anvils, people, run for cover. And we go back to the yellow pirate shirt-interview, and Flora says some bullshit about being Mark's partner, "but not equal partner," and working "together in peace and harmony." Oh, Christ, I need a drink.
We're back at Fordham University. Iggy Pop's "Lust for Life" starts playing. Joe has lust for huge women. Hee. He's in class with Professor Stoner. Duude. The Prof has white hair and a beard. He doesn't look high. Cordell beams as he introduces Joe to the class. Most of Joe's classmates glower. I hate special treatment, too, my fellow glower-ees! Joe says in his absurd Brooklynese, "I need to make a fawmal apawlogy to Pwofessa Stona. Dis is the only priority in my life." What a crock! Via interview, we learn, "I had to show something of my contribution. I must graduate. I painted a picture of Joe the fuck-up." How about Joe, the tense misuser? Jesus. Then, back in class, Joe says, "I went to Miami to start a business with seven people, then found myself with a bay outside my window, and a pool and a Jacuzzi and a pool table, and just got caught up in the whole craziness of it." His classmates wipe their eyes and play tiny violins en mass. Professor Stoner charges across the room and emphatically embraces Joe. I barf. Now I know Professor Stoner smokes. Dude, don't bogart that...oh, never mind, I'm almost finished. No, pass it over here after all.
Time for a meaningless conclusion. Sarah plays with Leroy. Aww! Puppy! So cute! He barks, and my dog, Artie, wakes up and stares at the TV. Flora says via voice-over that she'll be "mad for five minutes then come back...[she's] a very kind person." BA HA HA! No really, she said that. Sarah washes dishes at the sink and Flora dries, and they chat about who should be president of Delicious Deliveries. Well, Flora chats and Sarah says "yeah?" and "mm-hmm!" Leroy chases his tail. Flora and Sarah teach him to play fetch. Artie stares at the TV. Artie could be on TV. He's that cute. In an abrupt cut, Dan holds Leroy up to the confessional camera and says Leroy is "the best thing to happen to the house -- it's positive." Everyone laughs and plays with the dog. What a bunch of simpletons.