Previously on the Challenge: Mike and Tara hooked up. The teams of Theo and Holly, Danny and Kelley, and Sean and Elka won prizes. Meanwhile, Mike and Coral, Dan and Tara, and Timmy and Emily had not won a thing. The contestants completed a mission where the prize was a Saturn, and Mike really wanted to win it, but he didn't know how to drive a standard.
It's 11:59 PM, and Mike is telling Coral that it's only one minute until he turns twenty-one. Coral really could not care less. When did Mike get his tongue pierced? I don't remember him having his tongue pierced while he was on Real World. In an interview, Mike asks what you are supposed to do on your twenty-first birthday, and answers himself, saying that you are supposed to "get completely hammered." Aw, but that's so unimaginative. Especially if you (like Mike) have a fake ID and have been drinking for quite some time. On my twenty-first birthday, I went to Chuck E. Cheese. I know, it sounds lame, but it was actually really fun. On the other hand, my brother tried to do twenty-one shots on his twenty-first birthday, and came home and puked all over his bedroom floor, and I had to clean it up and go in and check on him every half-hour because I was afraid he was going to die of alcohol poisoning. And then he felt like crap the day, and barely remembered his birthday. So, which was more fun? You be the judge.
It's finally midnight. Everyone wishes Mike a happy birthday. Coral gives him a hug. In an interview, Coral says that they'd like to throw Mike a big party, but they have a mission the day, so they're trying to stay focused. Mike, Coral, and Tara do a toast with Coronas to Mike's first legal drink. Mike has barely taken one sip before Coral tells him that they should go to bed because they have a competition the day. Mike agrees.
In an interview, Tara says that she and Mike have really clicked even though they are very different. The editors insert a shot of Coral winking at the camera, probably to let us know that Mike and Tara are totally still hooking up. It's really annoying me that they did the whole "Tara just broke up with her boyfriend and can't handle being with Mike right now" storyline a few weeks ago, and yet they keep referring to them being together. Either don't try to resolve every "storyline" in one episode, or do, and stop referring to it in the future. Tara wishes Mike a happy birthday and gives him a hug. In an interview, Mike says that it was nice to spend his birthday with Tara. Mike tells Coral that he's a man, and he's twenty-one. Coral tells him to get his manly ass to bed, because it's "time to go night-night." Heh.
The morning at breakfast, Sean gets a message regarding the competition. He reads that they are supposed to wear uniforms, sandals, and sunblock. Theo tells someone that they are going to finish "one, two, three." In an interview, Emily and Timmy say that they were in second place overall, and now they are in sixth. They laugh about it, though. Timmy is wearing a nametag, which makes me thinks that this interview was actually filmed before or during week's competition. Timmy jokes with Emily that he's just happy to be there, and he's going to get a ribbon that says, "Participant Award." In an interview, Emily says that they haven't won a prize yet, but they have nothing to lose at this point, so "going big is the only option." As opposed to all of those other missions, where they weren't really trying.
Coral asks Elka, who is busy putting on makeup, to go and sit in the hot sun and sweat, if she wants to beat Road Rules today. Coral thinks that they should win Mike a birthday gift. In an interview that was apparently conducted in an echo chamber, Mike says that he's hoping that his birthday will start off "a new thing for Coral and [him]" where they will actually start winning competitions.
The contestants arrive on the beach and see what looks like three cars, each covered by a red tarp, and a dry bar set up on the side. In an interview, Timmy says that they saw the bar set up, and some lounge chairs, and wondered if they were going to be waiters or play volleyball, and that they didn't know what to expect. Mark welcomes them and tells them that the mission today is called "Hands-On Saturn." They don't even try to pretend like Eric has anything to do with the show anymore; he doesn't even get to hold the clipboard this week. He just gets to say, "Hey, Mark. Let's reveal the sculpture." It still sounds like he's reading it from a cue card. He's so terrible.
Eric and Mark pull one of the tarps off to reveal an ice sculpture of a car. Theo yells out, "It's a Saturn!" and then accepts his product-placement payment. In an interview, Timmy says that this is the strangest competition he's ever been involved with.
Eric starts reading the rules from a clipboard. Aw, they must have written it nice and big and used small words. The first rule is that "teammates must have one full hand, meaning five fingers, down on the sculpture at all times." In an interview, Kelley explains that at first you have to have one hand on the sculpture, then after two hours, it's two hands. At three hours, it's two hands and one foot, and at four hours, you have to have two hands and two feet on the sculpture. Mark points out the three referees who will prevent any cheating. Eric says that teams will get one five-minute break every three hours. In an interview, Tara says that she has "a bladder the size of a corn kernel," which might be a factor. Mark and Eric pull away the remaining two tarps to reveal that the prizes for this competition are two Saturns. In an interview, Mike says that he lost the car once, but it's his birthday and his lucky day, so he's going to win. Eric asks if there are any questions. Timmy raises his hand and asks if you are allowed to pee yourself. Eric and Mark say yes. Timmy responds, "Consider the car mine." Hee!
Theo tells Hollywick that he wants to win more than anyone else there. Hollywick tells the camera that they are definitely going to win. Theo tells Hollywick that if she feels faint, she should just drink some water. How do you do that in hour two, when both of your hands are on the ice? Theo tells Hollywick that if she has to faint, she should faint in a position where one of her hands is on the car. Clearly, Theo doesn't think that this thing is going to last more than two hours. Hasn't he seen Hands on a Hardbody? Or that episode of Mad About You where Ira had to give away the car?
In an interview, Tara says that she and Dan haven't won anything yet. Wow, I did not know that. Except that I totally did. Anyway, Tara thinks it has created a lot of pressure on them to win. In an interview, Emily says that she's not the cutest girl there, and she doesn't have the best body, but she is "the toughest chick here," and she's going to win the car.
Mark tells the contestants to gather around the vehicles, and reminds them that their hand must be in solid contact with the ice, and not on a crack in the ice. Mark whistles, and they all place a hand on the ice. Various people comment that while it felt good at first, it started to hurt pretty quickly. Danny laughs about how much it hurts. Tara asks if they can switch hands, and is told that they can. In an interview, Tara says that the first twenty minutes suck. Kind of like this show. In an interview, Dan says that he's going to try to talk Tara into keeping her hands on as long as he can, and she's going to do the same for him, because they both really want to win cars. Mark reminds them that in the round, they will have to put two hands on the ice. I remember when I sprained my ankle, and my brother the athletic trainer made me stick my foot in a bucket of snow. Boy, did that suck. But if you can get past the first five minutes or so, everything just numbs out. And it did speed up my recovery time. Anyway.
Danny tells Kelley that this sucks, and he doesn't even want a car. In an interview, Danny says that sticking your hand on a block of ice is "complete pain," and it doesn't feel cold. It feels like sticking your hand on a stove. Mark tells the contestants that if they don't need a car that badly, they can just go get a drink. Timmy jokes that Mark really knows how to persuade them. In an interview, Timmy says that when he compares a car with a pina colada, there's really no comparison. Danny turns to Kelley and suggests that they just go sit down. Kelley asks if he's serious, and Danny says that he is. In an interview, Kelley says that there are teams that really want to win, and are going to stick it out for a long time, so she decided, "Screw it." In an interview, Dan says that he turned his head and saw Kelley sipping on a pina colada. Apparently she just walked off without saying anything to Danny, but I don't know how he didn't notice, since he was standing right to her. Danny walks over and asks her what's going on, and why she gave up. Because he told her to? Duh. In an interview, Kelley says smirkily that she just wanted a drink and had to go to the bar to get it. Kelley gets a drink and we learn that Danny and Kelley lasted fifty-eight minutes. Timmy says that he respects that they quit to go get a drink. Danny says that they are a bunch of suckers as he rips into an energy bar.
It's now nearly the two-hour mark. Timmy says that he has to "wee-wee." I think Timmy has underwear on his head. Mark counts down the time until they have to put two extremities on the ice. Coral lifts up her foot and puts it on the ice, and Mike cheers her on. In an interview, Mike says that he had a great spot under a piece of ice, but then the ice broke. We see the ice break, and a big chunk falls on Mike's foot and hand. He growls but no one can help him, since they are all touching the ice. The referees finally help him out. In an interview, Coral says that she and Mike both want to win the car, and they want the twenty points, so she thinks that it would take wild horses to move them off the ice.
The referee blows his whistle and walks up and puts his hand on Sean's shoulder. Sean is much more pleasant about it, probably because he just won a Saturn the day before. The referee explains that Sean put his hand in a spot where there was no ice. In an interview, Sean explains that his hand is so numb that he couldn't even tell there was no ice underneath it. Sean and Elka are fine with their ejection at two hours and six minutes. Elka wishes everyone else luck. In an interview, Sean says that he's already won a car, so he's not going to be greedy. Instead, he's going to "kick back and drink a margarita and have some lunch." Good plan.
Mark points out that none of the teams left in the game has won a prize. In an interview, Mike says that he was determined to win the car. Do we really need an interview every five seconds with someone telling us that they really want to win the car? It's a car. Clearly, they want to win it. Only one team can. We get it. In an interview, Emily says that she's confident that it is her car. In an interview, Tara says that there's no way that she's going to lose. Sigh.
Two hours and thirty minutes have elapsed. As we see water running off the ice, Timmy says that he has to pee. Emily asks if he can pee and get back in five minutes. Timmy says that he's going to pee right there. Timmy tells Tara that he's going to pee and he hopes that it doesn't splash on her. He only needs to have a hand and a foot on the ice, so I don't understand why he couldn't use his other hand to...aim. Timmy warns the others that it's happening. The referees are cracking up. Everyone else is grossed out. I am seriously impressed with his ability to pee straight down and not get any on the leg of his shorts. Then again, I don't pee standing up, so it's all a big mystery to me. The shot of the pee hitting the sand goes on for way too long. Emily says that they had better win the car now. In an interview, Emily says that Timmy was sending out a message that this car is his, and he's marked it. That's so Will from Big Brother. Emily tells the camera that she will stand in Timmy's urine all day for that Saturn. Timmy is jubilant, and can't believe how much better he feels.
Coral says that the heat is starting to get to her. In an interview, Tara says that another hour has passed, so it's time for them to put three extremities on the ice. The time elapsed is three hours and five minutes. Timmy says that it's going to be "Battle of the Flexibility" and he's losing. In an interview, Timmy says that he's laying to a block of ice "with three appendages on it, and [he's] laying in [his] own urine." Hee! I don't know why Timmy cracks me up and Theo annoys me. Yes, I do. Timmy is actually funny while Theo tries way too hard. Emily tells him not to get frustrated, and that he's doing fine. Timmy replies, "Frustrated? I've got underwear on my head." Hey, I was right! In an interview, Emily says that Timmy is having all kinds of problems, while she is totally comfortable. They are both sitting on the sand with two hands and one foot on the ice. Emily says that she could sit like that all day. Emily advises Timmy to get comfortable.
Mike has his foot inside a nook of ice, which doesn't seem like a good idea, because you would be getting the cold from all directions. Mike says that his foot is frozen. Duh! Put it out in the sun so at least part of it gets warm. Dan tells Mike that his toe is hanging over, and Mike checks with the ref, who says that he's fine.
Timmy laments all of the yoga classes he skipped. Emily advises him to hang in there. In an interview, Timmy says that he is a genetic misfit and can't get into a normal position like the others. He adds that he has "wicked arches" and can't keep his foot flat. I hear you, brother. I have high arches too. I used to pull the muscle on the bottom of my foot all the damn time. In an interview, Emily says she was telling him to break his foot to get it to go the right way if he had to. Emily tells Timmy to make his foot nice and flat. Timmy says that it's as flat as it goes. The ref blows his whistle, and Timmy and Emily are eliminated at three hours and twenty-four minutes. Timmy apologizes to Emily. In an interview, Emily says that she's proud of their effort, and she's rooting for Dan and Tara now. Emily adds that it's the second car that she's lost that week, and it gets easier. Timmy keeps apologizing and Emily tells him that she doesn't want to hear it, and it's fine.
In an interview, Tara says that it's down to her team and Mike and Coral, so there's a "weird tension." Mike asks Dan how badly he wants to keep his feet. Dan says that he's really just trying to keep his hands warm. Coral tells Mike to quit talking to Dan, and Mike says that he's hoping that Dan will "just give up." In an interview, Dan says that he's feeling the worst pain he's ever had, but he's going to stay there as long as he can.
Three hours and fifty minutes have gone by. The eliminated teams hang out on the chairs or in the sun. Coral says that the only way that one of them will be eliminated is if they make a mistake, and Tara agrees; none of them will just give up. The whistle blows, but we go to commercial before we see who is eliminated.
When we return, the whistle blows again, and Elka says, "Oh, no." The referees walk over to Mike. Coral says, "I will fuck you up." Mike wants the referees to show him where he's not touching the ice. A referee claims that Mike's foot isn't completely touching the ice. Mike wants to be shown where. Tara explains that there's no ice behind Mike's big toe. The camera shows us, but since Mike's feet are covered in sand, it's kind of hard to tell. In an interview, Mike says that his foot was numb, and he couldn't tell that there was no ice behind it. Dan says that's what he's been trying to tell Mike the whole time. In an interview, Mike says, "Oh, my God. I just lost."
Dan gives Tara a hug. Mike kicks the ice. In an interview, Mike says that it's the worst feeling in the world to come in second, and "second is the first loser." Oh, don't bring up memories of Amaya, please. Plus, Mike really needs to get over himself. Everyone likes winning. Everyone hates losing. But we all do both in life, and we don't have a breakdown every time we lose. In an interview, Tara says that Mike didn't even notice that his foot wasn't touching because he couldn't feel anything, and she's sure it sucks to have something so little affect him so greatly. Coral comes over and tells Mike that they are a team. Mike curses, and Coral tells him to get up and get over it. In an interview, Coral says that she's not disappointed in Mike at all, because she knows he didn't lose it on purpose, and he's just as disappointed as she is.
In an interview, Sean says that after the competition, Mike started drinking. We see Mike sipping on a pina colada. Oh, no! He's a girl-drink drunk!
Eric announces that Dan and Tara are the winners. They run towards their cars. Dan sips a drink while running, and then stumbles and falls. It's not clear to me if he fell on purpose to be funny, or if maybe his foot is still numb from the ice. Dan jokingly stumbles his way to his car. In an interview, Dan says that he and Tara just took a huge step out of their slump. In an interview, Tara says that they finally won something and it's a car. Then there's a commercial for the Saturn that I'm just going to ignore.
Meanwhile, Mike stares at the ice and sulks. Mike voice-overs that he lost and Tara won, and he wonders if he's supposed to be happy. Mike asks Mark if he can take a whack at the ice with a hammer. Mike points out the spot that melted and caused him to lose, and then starts yelling at it and whacking it with the hammer. Coral yells out for Mike to bring on The Miz. No, please don't. Theo yells that Mike is going to put someone's eye out. In an interview, Sean says that Mike is dealing with his loss through his second personality, The Miz, who doesn't stop. Mike continues to pound on the ice with the hammer.
The contestants ride home in a van. A drunken Mike says that if someone put his head through the window, it would be cool. Coral tells him to shut up, and asks someone to take his drink away. Mike starts saying that he's stupid and ignorant, and Coral tells him that he isn't. I wonder where he got that idea? Maybe from all of the times that Coral told him that while they were in New York. Coral tells Mike he's becoming an emotional drunk. In an interview, Coral says that when one person bears the weight of the whole disqualification, it's tough. Mike starts yelling nonsense to the camera about how if a contest were about beating someone up, he would win. He shoves Sean and inadvertently hits Kelley, who tells him to stop. Mike goes into a bad Austin Powers impression, calling Kelley "Zippi Longstocking." Elka dies laughing, as does Coral. We can't see Kelley's face because her back is to the camera. Mike starts crawling out of the back seat and over Coral's head to get out the door, but Kelley tells him to cut it out. Mike says that he needs another drink, which is the one sign of a true drunk person; they always need one more drink.
Back at the villa, Mike is apparently drinking straight vodka. He stumbles over to the Road Rules villa and asks if anyone has a CD player that he can borrow. Tara asks if his batteries are dead, and Mike drops his CD player on the ground and says that he broke it. Tara suggests that maybe the batteries are just dead, and Mike says that's not it. I didn't think he said it that nastily, but Tara gets all, "Ooohkay" and backs away. Mike points at her and stumbles around and calls her a bitch. In an interview, Tara says that she wondered if he was kidding. Mike tells her to have another beer with her Saturn. Tara voice-overs that he was kind of scary. He's not all that scary; he's just really, really drunk. Just let him go and he'll pass out in about an hour, and then throw up all over. Trust me.
We hear Mike yelling outside. Elka and Coral lie on beds inside. Elka asks if The Miz is talking to Mike, and Coral confirms that yes, The Miz is talking to Mike. Elka wants to know more about The Miz. No, Elka, you really don't. Coral explains that The Miz is a professional wrestler, very aggressive, and doesn't care what anyone thinks about him. Coral concludes that The Miz is everything that Mike isn't. In an interview, Coral says that usually The Miz is funny, but this time he's really not. Coral tells Elka that she thinks that Mike figured he would be the saving grace of every mission, and it hasn't worked out that way. In an interview, Coral says that Mike's expectations for himself are "so unrealistically high," that when something goes wrong, he tears himself apart.
Mike stands in the bathroom and talks to himself (as The Miz) in the mirror. He can barely stand. He's wearing headphones, and I think most of the nonsense that he is spouting is really just him singing along or quoting lyrics to himself. Mike walks outside and starts stumbling down the road, asking himself if he's slipping away, and chiding himself for losing the mission.
In an interview, Sean says that The Miz is out in full force. Coral walks out to the beach, where Mike is asking himself if he's a winner or a loser. Tara and Elka sit on the porch and listen. In an interview, Coral says that she sees Mike banging his head into a pole and having a conversation with himself. Coral points out that usually Mike is The Miz in front of other people, not when he's by himself. Mike is totally not banging his head into a pole. He's grabbing the pole, and then pushing his head towards it, but he's stopping his head before it hits the pole. Frankly, it looks more like he's dancing to the music coming through his headphones than trying to hurt himself. But I guess that wouldn't be dramatic enough. Coral voice-overs that it's "a little scary because [she's] never really seen it like this before." They conclude with a shot of Tara sitting there, which is just dumb, because they supposedly concluded the Mike/Tara relationship a few weeks ago and have not alluded to it since, and now they want us to think that Tara is really troubled about Mike.
week: Mike yells about The Miz. The competition is called "Sidekick Showdown" and appears to be something like The Newlywed Game. Coral hits Mike with a pillow when he gets an answer wrong. That one should be fun. I hope they don't waste too much of the episode with the stupid, "Mike is drunk and angry" non-storyline.