Last week: The two teams had a paintball mission. You can read the recap to see what the rules were, because they were complicated. James felt that Jamie cheated by continuing to shoot his gun after the target was reached. Emily said that the paint pellets hurt when they hit her, but she didn't say it in a whiny way. James and Laterrian decided to follow Jamie's lead. Syrus got pissed and got all up in James's grill.
Can I confess something? I am so sick of this show that the only thing that keeps me going is that there is only one more episode after this one. And a reunion special or some shit. I am so sick of James's crying, Julie's "independence" and changing hair color, and all the other crap from these people. I hope that after this season, I never see any of them again. Ever. Whew! I feel better now.
As the episode begins, Syrus and James are still screaming at each other. Kameelah gets between them and pushes the two men back. In an interview, Kameelah tells us that with "all the arguing, all the confusion," neither team was awarded the $10,000 for the mission. Laterrian, Michelle, and Rebecca sit on a bench. Susie walks up and says that she just talked to her mother, and now Susie is "bitter." Laterrian asks why she is bitter. In an interview, Rebecca says that the RR team is sick of doing missions and ready to go home. Susie tells the others that she is sick of losing, and sick of being behind by "forty grand," and points out that some people don't make that in a year. Hey, can I consider that a shout-out? Laterrian tries to point out "the positive," but Susie tells him that he's hallucinating because there is none. Susie, I feel you. Laterrian says that he should have "pissed all over the place so [they] could get kicked out." I'm not sure why that is "the positive," but whatever. In an interview, Laterrian says that when he's "losing at home," he doesn't speak, talk, or eat. What does he do at home, exactly, that involves losing? Does his mom make him compete for meals or something? Anyway, Laterrian doesn't understand how his team is able to "take losing so well." This is taking it well? James's outbursts? Susie's bitching? I'd hate to see them taking it poorly.
The two teams stand around outside one of the buses. James is still pouting. Michelle reads a message from their phone -- they're going to New York City, where they will get another clue. Don't they have to go back to London first? It seems like that's been their M.O. while in Europe. Cue the airport montage. Because otherwise we would have thought they rode the buses from wherever the hell they are in Europe back to New York City.
Julie listens to the new clue on a CD Walkman. As she hears it, she repeats it aloud, which is really annoying. Plus, we don't get to hear who gave the clue, which was about the only interesting or suspenseful part of each episode. Anyway, Julie tells them that "it's judgment day in the court of public opinion," and then tells Susie (who's not standing there) to jump in the ring. So the clue-giver must have been someone from her season. That's about all I can tell you. Syrus says that it "sounds like a courtroom."
The two teams walk to the Supreme Court building and meet their mission mayor, Michael. Everyone except James is wearing his or her team t-shirt. In an interview, Emily explains that Michael is an "assistant for Judge Mills Lane." Michael explains that they are going to argue their side of the paintball mission, and Judge Mills Lane will decide who gets the $10,000. Julie jumps up and down and sticks her tongue out. Even though she didn't say anything, I'm going to tell her to shut up. Shut up, Julie. In an interview, Kameelah says that she's excited about the mission and "settling the score." In an interview, James says that he doesn't want to relive the day, and that he wishes they could forget it, because it's just money. If his whole team feels that way, I don't understand why they couldn't have just forfeited the mission in the first place. Michael hands each team a briefcase containing videotape of the mission. Julie and Kameelah screech and cheer, because they are so sure that they are right. Michael shuts them down by saying that he's seen the tape, and it's not conclusive, so whoever presents a better argument will win the money. Shots of James standing there with his mouth open are intercut with shots of James cheating on the mission. In an interview, James says that he thinks this mission is about "trying to make someone look horrible," and that "they would try to crucify [him] up on that stand." Well, if the goal is to make someone look horrible, I don't think they need to bother with the case -- just show the episodes as they've aired this season. I don't know that any of them will come out looking good. Maybe Rebecca. No, she dated James.
Laterrian tells Christian that even if the tape shows James shooting the gun in Julie's face, the RR team should still have won. Since we get no context for that remark, I have no idea what he was talking about there. In an interview, James says that he wasn't trying to hurt anyone -- he was just playing the game. I'm surprised they didn't dig out that clip from earlier in the season of James telling Rebecca that he will hurt someone to win, if that's what it takes. Do I have to do the editors' work for them? Michael tells them to "pull together, get [their] stories straight, and make the best possible case [they] can make." The trial will be at noon the day.
The RW team watches the tape. Dan points out that he pulled up his gun immediately. They rewind and play the tape. It's so weird -- I'm doing exactly the same thing that they are doing on the show. It's like recapping someone doing a recap. Weird. Anyway, they watch Jamie totally cheat and then Rebecca tries to justify it somehow. They watch James cheat, and they all stand up and start yelling at the television. Hey, I do that too! Actually, this season, I don't -- I just can't muster up the energy to care that much. In an interview, Syrus says there is no doubt in his mind that James was wrong. Jamie tells the others that he will be crucified for coming out from behind the hay bale, but James was standing right to the target. Yeah, because he saw Jamie doing it. I'm not saying James was right to cheat, but let's not pretend Jamie is Mr. Innocent here.
The RR team watches the tapes. Susie points out some transgression. Laterrian says he's excited because he thinks they have a good case. In an interview, James says that, after watching the tape, he's disappointed in himself, and that going back won't help matters. Laterrian repeats that he's excited about this. James says that he's not doing the mission. In an interview, James says that he's boycotting the mission. Emily stands up and agrees with James -- she's not doing it. James explains, "It's not about who wins and loses. It was about what happened." Okay, so maybe "James explains" wasn't the best choice of phrase there. "James blathers"? "James babbles"? Something like that. In an interview, Emily says that she doesn't want to revisit the mission and have to blame someone. Susie thinks they can win this, and that it would be a slap in the face. Christian wonders what they have to gain from boycotting the mission. In an interview, Laterrian says that they shouldn't be okay with losing. Christian points out that they have a "serious decision to make right now." Shots of everyone looking very serious and decisive. Commercial.
Back from commercial, everyone is still looking serious and decisive. James says that he's not demanding that anyone else join his boycott, but he's asking for support. Which means he wants them to join his boycott. Emily says that she is with James. Michelle says that James has asked for support, and that she understands his principle, so she votes not to do it. Christian says that if, by the end of the discussion, one of them doesn't want to do it, he doesn't think they should. Susie agrees. Laterrian says that he has a "competitive spirit," and that he would like to do the mission, but if James doesn't want to, he's with him. James points out that some of the RW team members might not want to do the mission either. Susie asks Laterrian what's wrong, and Laterrian says that he doesn't like to lose.
Dan and Syrus rehearse their presentation. Dan reads something aloud about how James purposely intended to inflict pain by continuing to shoot when the targets were down. James calls Jamie and says that they're both hard at work, but they "found out some stuff and want to share it with" the RW team. In an interview, Syrus says that they got a phone call saying that the RR team did not want to go on with the event. Both teams sit in a big room. James gives a little introduction, but we don't get to hear most of what he says because of the dramatic music and cuts to various team members. Then James says that the paintball mission was his worst day on the trip; he never got hurt by a paintball, and yet he cried, but he's not a crier. In case you thought he was a crier. He's not. James says that he doesn't like those memories, and that Emily supports him, and in fact, his whole team supports him. The Road Rules team will not be doing this mission, and they're asking for help.
Julie (who has blonde hair again or still or whatever) says that by boycotting the mission, they're not really taking a stand. Syrus speaks for us all when he notes that Emily doesn't want to relive the mission, and James says that it was the worst day of his life. Syrus (and I) think that if that was the worst day of their lives, they need to "get off that silver spoon, man." Amen, Syrus. Rebecca tells the group that they should have fun with the mission and stop taking themselves so seriously. In an interview, Rebecca says that she doesn't want to make this a crucifixion of James. She wants it to be "light and fun." She talks as though those two things are mutually exclusive. Emily says that she cried when she saw the tape, and she has a "hard time displaying a sense of humor" when she's bawling her eyes out. Oh, for Christ's sake. In an interview, Jamie says that everyone should lighten up. Okay, Mr. Bungee- From-The- Golden-Gate- Bridge-And- Nearly-Die- To-Spread- The-Love. Maybe you need to lighten up. Susie tells the RW team that the ball is in their court. Dan says that he wants to do the mission because he disagrees with the RR team. In an interview, Dan says that they spent a whole day on the mission and don't want to waste the time.
Back at their hostel or hotel, Kameelah is telling Syrus and Dan that Emily doesn't want to "relive" the mission, and Dan bursts out laughing. Was Dan not at the meeting where Emily just said that? He was probably concentrating on making sure the camera saw his good side. Dan thinks that Emily will need therapy. He thinks she'll have to write in her dream journal, or write poems about it. Normally, I would think that was really funny, but Dan is not exactly in a position to make fun of someone else for being overly dramatic. Meanwhile, Laterrian sits alone and keeps watching the tapes and taking notes. Kameelah says that in the last four or five missions, "all Emily does is talk about what she's not going to do." Nitpickers should note that Kameelah's back was to the camera for this sentence, and when she turned slightly, her lips did not match up to the words at all. Careless editors.
Laterrian is still watching the tapes. Christian comes over and asks what he's doing. Laterrian says that he's still preparing for the mission because he doesn't want to give away $10,000. Christian explains that it's a team decision, and that there's nothing he or Laterrian can do about it as individuals. Laterrian keeps saying that it's worth $40,000, which I don't understand, but whatever. Christian says they should be proud of their reasoning for the boycott, and that what Laterrian is doing amounts to ditching the rest of the team. Laterrian argues that he needs to "gain some self-respect back," and that letting the other team win doesn't work. You know what might work? Not going on any more Bunim-Murray shows. In an interview, Laterrian says that he's still debating whether or not to do this, and that he might be losing friends on his own team, and that this is the biggest challenge for him on the trip.
Hey -- week is the season finale! And then there's a wrap-up special, which I don't really care about. But week is the season finale! Hooray!
All of the cast members sit in the green room, waiting for Judge Mills Lane to show up. The RW team members are still scribbling notes. Laterrian is as well. Emily and James play cards. Kameelah tells Julie that it's disrespectful for the others to "talk shit" while they are trying to prepare. It kind of is, but I have to assume that they had no choice. I mean, I'm sure they would rather be anywhere else in the city than the green room for Judge Mills Lane. Michael comes over and says that he hopes the RR team will still present a case, and notes that Laterrian seems prepared. Susie explains that they have a group statement. Laterrian says that he'll be the only one going into the courtroom. Christian apologizes for creating problems. Aw, Christian. I lied earlier when I said I didn't like anyone on the season. I still like Christian. And his white pants. James says that they didn't do anything that needs an apology. Shut up, James.
The RW team is on the plaintiff side of the courtroom, and Laterrian is on the defense side. Judge Mills Lane comes in. Julie says she's scared. Of a television judge? Why? Judge Mills Lane (and I've found that if you try to abbreviate that name in any way, it just sounds weird, so I'm going with all three parts) explains the dispute. Judge Mills Lane explains that both sides cheated, and that the question is not which team cheated the most but which team can present the best argument. Judge Mills Lane gives us some catchphrases like, "I'm not final because I'm right -- I'm right because I'm final." Whatever. I'll bet Jamie got a lot of meaning out of that Zen koan.
Rebecca elects to go first for the RW team. Rebecca reads a statement, which basically says, "Yeah, we both cheated, but they cheated more, plus they planned their cheating ahead of time instead of just making it up on the spur of the moment like we did." And Judge Mills Lane already said that the question is not who cheated more, so that's right out the window. Judge Mills Lane asks Rebecca why her team should win if they both cheated. Rebecca stammers that while both teams fired shots after the mission, her team's shots were instantaneous and only took a second. It's not a bad argument -- I just don't know why Rebecca is making it instead of Dan or Kameelah. Or even Jamie. Judge Mills Lane asks why they cheated, and Rebecca says that it was an accident. In an interview, Rebecca says that Judge Mills Lane was all over her. Rebecca explains that Jamie wasn't aware that the opponent reached the target. Judge Mills Lane says that Rebecca is contradicting herself -- first she said that they cheated, and then she said that they didn't cheat because they didn't know the opponent reached the target. Rebecca tries to explain herself. In an interview, Dan says, "Watching Rebecca try to debate is like watching someone sing bad karaoke, because you just want it to be over and put her out of her misery." Whatever, Dan. I didn't see you up there at the podium.
Laterrian is up . In an interview, Laterrian says that Judge Mills Lane made him nervous. Laterrian starts out by apologizing for his team's not being there. Judge Mills Lane makes some jokes. In an interview, Syrus says that Laterrian is winning over the judge. In an interview, Laterrian says that he's winning back some self-respect. Laterrian tells the judge that he's representing his team, and that they decided not to do the mission. Laterrian explains that he wanted to do the mission himself. Judge Mills Lane says that Laterrian is a man. Kameelah says that she's proud of Laterrian for standing up for himself. Laterrian presents an argument. He says that they can't determine how many shots were fired after the target was reached. The rules stated that the winner was supposed to be the team that got to the target faster, and that since they both cheated, the judge should just look at raw time. That's not a bad argument. It's better than, "They cheated more, and they thought about it beforehand." Judge Mills Lane says that the argument is silly, but then says that it's "subtle" and "sophisticated." Julie scribbles down some notes for some reason. Judge Mills Lane says that he'll take a recess and deliver a verdict.
Jamie explains that because the RR team members are not there to act as witnesses, the judge decided to deliver a verdict after opening arguments. Dan tells his teammates that they tanked. In an interview, Kameelah explains that the majority of their case was based on interviewing James. But they knew James wasn't going to be there last night. They couldn't revise their case? What a lame excuse.
Judge Mills Lane returns. He explains that Laterrian's argument was better, but that this was supposed to be a team effort, so he's awarding the money to the RW team because they all pitched in and showed up. The RW team now has $100,000 to the RR's $40,000. Judge Mills Lane announces that Laterrian was the best advocate, so he gives Laterrian his gavel. Aw.
Dan walks into the green room and announces to the RR team that Laterrian flattened them, and that the RW team only won because they were all there. Now, if you were the RR team, wouldn't you feel kind of bad knowing that if you had just showed up, your team would have won? I would. Not them. When Laterrian walks in, instead of thanking him or congratulating him, Michelle bitches him out for trying the case when they had decided not to. Laterrian apologizes. Kameelah butts in to tell him not to apologize. In an interview, Syrus says that Laterrian was up against the wall and made some decisions. In an interview, Laterrian says that his team can hate him, but that he feels he did the right thing. Slow-motion shot of Laterrian getting the gavel, like that was the highlight of his life or something.
week: NO RR team has ever lost the Challenge. They have to race cars through a desert or something. Then they're all pushing their cars. I don't know. I'm just psyched that it's the last episode of this crap show.