Previously on Challenge 2000: Holly finds a clue that says, "Meet an old friend. He'll fill you in. Beware because this mission bites." Did that really happen last week? How did I miss that? Holly guesses that this mission will feature "snakes." Piggy yelled at Los for being rude to Veronica, and Los disappeared. Turns out he was walking! At night! In the rain!
Veronica says she "feels like crap" because her team has lost for the second time. Dan says they're sad because it's hard to get a win and the other team likes to talk trash. Holly is worried because Los took off and they don't know whether he's planning to come back. We see yet another shot of Los walking! At night! In the rain! Yes says that Los is intimidated by "the five of us, and he feels like the odd man out." Piggy updates us on the score, saying that the Road Rules team has $10,000 and the Real World team has $30,000. She hopes that some of the RW team go out and "get plastered" so "they won't be able to do shit tomorrow."
Piggy gets her wish. Mike, David and Teck are at a strip club. Are you surprised, really? Mike says, "Dave, Teck and I have a party bus." Then he says that they're a bunch of partiers. Then he says, "Party, party, party. All we do is party." Then he says, "Did y'all get it? We like to party! Woo hoo! Party! Par-tay! We're wild and crazy and we like to party!" Okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating, but it wouldn't be that unusual given Bunim-Murray's penchant for repeating themselves.
The sun rises. It's raining. Holly is sitting on the bus and she says, "Hi, we're team Road Rules and there are only five of us." Dan says, "He'll come back," referring to Los, and continues, "He wants to make his money." Veronica says there will be "serious issues if he doesn't. Serious issues." Why does everyone on this show say everything twice. Say everything twice. See how annoying it is? Annoying it is? Is there an echo in here? Echo in here?
On the RW bus, Annoying says there is "no way, ever, that those people are gonna win. They're going down." She asks one of her male teammates if he knew that Los didn't come back last night. She says, "If he went home, and that's $10,000 in my pocket, I'll say bye and all, but that's $10,000 more for me." I don't get why Los going home means more money for Annoying. Wouldn't it mean more money for each member of the RR team, since they only have to split their winnings five ways instead of six? There's that twisted Annoying logic for you.
It's a moot point because Los arrives back on the RR bus. He tells Veronica he is sorry that he yelled, and then tells the camera that he needed to remove himself from the environment, and that "sometimes you get upset and can't name why." Los, get a therapist. I just watched Felicity and I think Stinky Toni Pavone might be able to help. I'll give her a call for you. Piggy and Veronica go to take showers, and Piggy asks Veronica what Los said. Veronica says that Los apologized. Piggy says she is impressed. On the bus, Dan says they have to pull together and fight for the mission.
We see the same shot of the buses whizzing by on the highway from a few weeks ago. I think they will be recycling that one a lot. The buses whiz past a sign that says "Kentucky" and Holly says, "Kentucky?" like she's never heard of it. Come on, even if she was dumb enough to have missed out on a whole state in Geography class, everyone has heard of Kentucky Fried Chicken! Piggy asks again what the clue said, and Veronica replies that it was about "meet[ing] someone from your past." We see some legs walking. Veronica spots the legs and points them out and Piggy shouts, "Oh my God, it's Kefla!" (one of Piggy's castmates from Road Rules Australia, which also happens to be my favorite season). Piggy runs out and hugs him. Everyone else comes out and greets him as well. Kefla tells them to say their prayers, and then introduces them to Jeff Harrison, who is some sort of snake wrangler. Veronica screams like the girly girl she is. Jeff pulls out a green snake, and then a ribbon snake and identifies them. He says that the point of this mission will be to collect as many snakes as possible in a pre-specified time period, and that the RR team gets green snakes and the RW team gets ribbon snakes. There will be three rounds, with each team of two running through the penned-in area and gathering snakes in a bag. The snakes they are collecting rarely bite, but they will need to worry about "the other snakes." Then Jeff dumps out two barrels of assorted snakes, and says that the catch is that the teams have to avoid all the other snakes. Wow, that's a lot of snakes. Yikes. Jeff says there are over two hundred.
In case you didn't get it above, Kefla explains the rules again. I'm not going to, because unlike Bunim-Murray, I assume you all have attention spans longer than fifteen seconds. Veronica says she's not scared of snakes individually, but when there are two hundred fifty, she gets "freaked out." As much as I dislike Veronica, I can't say I blame her. Jeff tells Kefla he has to hold the bag while they count the snakes. They show a flashback from Kefla's season, where he was scared of snakes. Kefla says he will hold the empty bag, but that's about it. Annoying does some trash talk directly into the camera: "And even though they think maybe they might win, we've already gone three in a row, and it's second nature to us now. We're gonna keep winning, and they're just gonna get sadder and sadder, and that's too bad." Then she does a raspberry. Shut up, Annoying. I have to think that the camera man goaded her into doing that. I just can't accept that she might have said it on her own. It would annoy me too much to believe that.
Kefla has the RR team pet the cow skull that usually resides on the front of the Winnie for good luck. Yes says that with Kefla and "the horns" on their side, they'll pull through.
Round one is Teck and Kat versus Dan and Los. Dan thinks that a snake is looking at him. David cheers them on by singing a little song about "snagging snakes with the quickness." Could I make that up? The final tally in this round is RW 14, RR 20.
Round two is Mike and Annoying versus Piggy and Holly. Piggy is a total pro, gathering like ten snakes in each hand. Heather points one out to Annoying, who looks at it and says it's not one of theirs. The camera shows the snake in question, and it is indeed one of theirs. Or they inserted that shot later to make Annoying look stupid. Like she needs help. The final tally is RW 10, RR 20.
Before the round begins, Annoying and Teck tell David to throw the other team's snakes into the bushes so they can't get to them. Yes says something to Annoying, and she does that passive-aggressive thing where she says something to Yes, but really only Kat can hear her, and says, "Don't even look at me that way because I will come over there and tear you a new asshole." That would have been a lot more threatening if she said it to Yes instead of Kat. Oh, and shut up, Annoying. Veronica says that Annoying was kicking the green snakes, which jibes with what she just told David to do. Kefla tells Veronica not to worry about it. Veronica says it doesn't matter, but Annoying is "bitching like crazy." In an interview, Veronica says, "I don't dislike her, but she's just a wimp and I don't like that. Can't she just suck it up and just get her job done?" Annoying retorts in her own interview, "I think Veronica is a very jealous person and I don't know what she's jealous of. Maybe because our team's totally winning and she's putting it out on me because..." Then there is a really obvious edit and Annoying says, "I don't have to show my tits and cleavage. I just have to wear a regular top." Wow, the way that was edited, Annoying could have said something totally different there, but they made it look like she was talking about Veronica. Or maybe she was talking about Veronica. I hate both of them and I wish they would get bitten by poisonous snakes.
Round three is David and Heather versus Veronica and Yes. Dave and Veronica both have some close calls with big, fat snakes. The final tally is RW 12, RR 14.
The totals are announced and it's RW 36 and RR 54. Wow, they kicked ass. Kefla awards the winners their ten thousand E*Trade dollars. Annoying says the win was "a present" because they feel bad for them. Shut up, Annoying. She has a little conference with her teammates and protests that the RR team had "neon green snakes" and her team had "snakes that camouflage into the leaves." Also, "Their snakes don't move and ours scatter off," and she thinks the whole thing is "very fishy." Dude, you lost. Get over it. Move on. Piggy states the obvious by saying that the RW team members are bad losers. Holly is relieved to get a win. Piggy says that Annoying is "talking shit" by saying the RR team "didn't really win because [we] were cheating" and "had better-looking snakes." Dan says his team was sick of losing and having the RW team trash talk. Piggy says that Annoying can "stick a snake up her ass for all I care." Ha! Go Piggy!
Heather tells Kat that everyone was out late last night, and that they shouldn't do that the night before a mission. She says it doesn't matter what color the snakes were, and that their preparation was bad, and she's pissed off. She finishes by saying that people will be kicking themselves in the ass if they don't get the money. While she has a point, let's face it -- finding snakes is not brain surgery. I don't know what effect the evening's activities had on their success. And can't anyone on this team just accept that at this particular task, on this particular day, the other team was better? Why assign blame or seek out excuses?
The sun rises on a new day and Piggy and Heather find a clue outside the buses. It's a scavenger hunt, and the winning team gets $6000. They must complete three out of six tasks on a list, and document them with Polaroids. The first team to finish wins. The RR Team discusses it, and guess that the RW team is still asleep. Cut to a shot of David, Teck and Mike snoring away. Why are they sleeping on the benches? Don't they have beds? David has his hand down his pants. Classy.
Through team discussions, we learn the six tasks. They are:
- One team member must kiss a live cow on the face.
- All three male team members must dress in full drag, go into public and get ten autographs from strangers.
- The entire team must play "Truth or Dare" for one hour.
- The team must buy baby clothes and dress a live alligator (they didn't say this one on the air but I read it from the sheet).
- Two team members must ask permission from a private pool owner to skinny dip, and they can use the supplied inflatables to cover themselves.
- Something about shaving strangers' heads, but neither team did it so I'm not sure.
Heather reads item #5, about skinny-dipping in a pool. Mike repeats exactly what Heather just said. Seriously, maybe they need to start showing three missions per episode, because they clearly don't have the video material to stretch out a whole half-hour. David explains that they met this girl, "Shannon, a little tomboy" at McDonald's, and Heather says Shannon has a friend with a pool. Mike and Teck are the designated skinny-dippers. They both disrobe and jump in. Then, Mike jumps on Teck and tries to push him under. You know, if I were a guy, which I'm not, and I was worried about people speculating about my sexuality, which I'm also not, I wouldn't be wrestling other guys naked in a pool. I'm just saying. Annoying says, "Oh God, there's like homosexuality." Shut up, Annoying.
Holly asks a woman if she will give them a ride to her pool. Dan repeats what Holly just said. I tear out my hair. Holly gets in and says it's "a tid bit nipply." Piggy is the other swimmer, and she's trying to ease her way in when Veronica gives her a shove from behind. Piggy calls her a bitch, mostly jokingly. Holly tells us they are enjoying this mission, even though it is a bit rushed since they are trying to beat the other team. Holly and Piggy remove their suits and get a picture taken.
Teck tells us they are "going to make Dave kiss a cow, then dress in drag," so his team is about to win. As he walks away from the camera, he takes off his towel to reveal his naked, ugly-ass body. Mike explains that David is going to kiss a cow. I wish I was making up the constant repetition, but I'm not. David runs around and tries to catch the cow, but he says he "underestimated the speed of cows." Annoying says he's never going to catch it. It's that kind of positivity and good cheer that makes me love her so.
Piggy says that the girls helping them out are "marvelous." Holly tries to get a cow, and Los tries to get a picture of her kissing it. Holly approaches the cow with a hand held out, like you would a strange dog. The cow smells her hand and runs away. Ha! Holly and Los give up, because the cows keep running away. Piggy says that if they are having problems, the other team probably is too.
Cut to David still chasing cows. He tells us, "Kathleen has a way about her, like she's very gentle." Who the hell is Kathleen? Oh, he means Kat. Kat almost gets a cow to let her kiss it, but then it runs away. David yells after the cow, "You got no haaaahhht." That's David-ese for "heart." Heather starts yelling at everyone, saying she's "tired of this choking." Hey, at least they are trying. She needs to chill out. She's no longer my girlfriend.
Then there's a commercial for Citra, featuring the Challenge 2000 participants. How lame was that?
Piggy says they are supposed to play "Truth or Dare" for one hour. Holly says they are good at multi-tasking because, in order to save time, they are getting the guys into drag while playing "Truth or Dare." That's actually a good strategy. In the game, Holly asks Piggy if she has "gotten any on this trip yet" and Piggy says no. Dan says they are all having a good time, like we are blind and can't see that for ourselves.
Heather says that people don't want to be serious. Annoying says they should be having fun. Heather says they can have fun after they get the money. Kat says that she could've gotten the cow if everyone had shut up, and that it bugged her that no one would listen to her. David says that team morale is down when "team members don't perform."
Yes is dressed in drag, and he squeezes his fake breasts. Piggy says that Los looks great, and that he has "great skin" and looks like "a cross between an Egyptian Pharaoh and Jesus." We get a close-up shot of Los getting eye makeup applied.
Annoying tells everyone to calm down or she'll "open up a can of you-know-what." Beans? I would think that would be a good threat on an enclosed bus like that. In an interview, Annoying tells us that "'Truth or Dare' is pretty retarded." I hate her. They start playing, and Mike the Horndog asks Annoying if she likes kissing other women. Annoying says she has done it, and it's okay, but she's a "dick chick." Just when I think I couldn't hate her anymore, my hatred rises to new levels. Oh, and shut up, Annoying. Kat asks David if he's every been "chastised in school for playing with [his] penis." David says that "they've always respected [him] for it" and then grabs it to emphasize his point. Teck says there is no way the RR team can be done because "they're slackers."
Los dares Veronica to stick her hand down the toilet for five seconds. To her credit, she does it.
David dares Annoying to make out with Kat. Annoying gives her a peck on the lips, which was hardly making out, and they both had to scrunch up their faces to show that they really don't like kissing other girls, and they're definitely not gay, because Annoying is a "dick chick," you know. Just for all the teenage boys at home, they show the completely un-sexy kiss again in slow motion.
Veronica dares Dan to kiss Yes. Dan tells us Yes has "really soft lips and he looks really kissable." Dan! When Dan moves in for the kiss, he pretends to feel Yes up, and Yes bursts out laughing just as they kiss. It was nowhere near as long as they made it out on the previews. Holly tries to take a picture but it doesn't work. For some reason, they kiss not one, but two more times.
David says "Look at Latifah!" in reference to Teck. Heather is putting an Erykah Badu type wrap on Teck's head. The whole men-in-drag thing is so stupid and unfunny that I'm not even going to go into detail. The only funny part was when Yes bent over to sign an autograph on the hood of a car and some woman came over and tried to look up his skirt. After we see both teams collecting autographs, Mike puts on a really horrible, stereotypically swishy voice and says, "The time is now 1:30. I'm dressed up about as fiercely as I can be. I'm still one ugly bitch, but we're done." Like, ha ha! Not.
Everyone reconvenes in a parking lot and a woman comes up and asks them what time they finished. Holly consults her binder and says they finished at 12:29 and 48 seconds. Annoying says glumly, "1:30." The woman pronounces the RR team the winners, and they all clap, but it's not like the RR team was jumping up and down and hugging and screaming like the RW team does when they win. They are very gracious. The RW team gets back on the bus, except for Teck. He stands there looking at the RR team and then says, "Did y'all kiss a cow?" For some reason that struck me as very funny. He was so serious about it.
Annoying starts in on a little tantrum: "We was robbed. I'm so bitter right now. The other team won the scavenger hunt and I honestly do despise the team right now." Annoying wants to know how they won. Kat says they did the same thing as the RW team, but they didn't spend all that time chasing a cow. Annoying hates "how smug they are." Annoying has looked at smug from both sides now. Then she makes fun of how Holly looked in her binder to get the exact time, except Holly really wasn't snotty about it. Annoying finishes: "It's officially World War Three. I'm not speaking to them anymore. I hate them." Is that supposed to be a punishment? The song underlies the subtlety of this scene by saying, "I hate you so much right now." No, it really did. I couldn't make this stuff up.
week, the teams invade the "Summer Redneck Games," and enter a pie-eating contest, dunk for raw pigs' feet (which Annoying says is against her religious beliefs), chase pigs and do belly flops in the mud. I can't wait to see it all twice.
Over the credits, we see the men getting into drag because it was oh-so-funny the first time around. Except for the funny part.