So the Bunim/Murray henchmen are all sitting around the conference table, wondering what else they can do to torture the Los Angeles cast. First, they cast Beth. Then they made Dom, Tami and Jon drive all over creation in a Winnebago. Then, they hid David's meds. Then they bribed Aaron and Glen to talk the rest of the roommates into agreeing to live with Glen. What new evil can they unleash upon humanity? What new form of torture can they introduce into the Beachhouse of Banality? As they muse, Eric Nies dances topless in front of Mary-Ellis Bunim, who idly slips a quarter into his Speedo. As Nies's stomach muscles undulate, it comes to her (insert your own Eric Nies Sex Joke here. I can't bring myself to think about it anymore). The ultimate torture: Outward Bound.
I had to go on an Outward Bound-style trip (run by a group with the unmelodious moniker Boojum) in junior high, rowing down the Colorado River, and it was hell. Pure hell on earth. A few years later, some kids on a similar trip (one actually run by Outward Bound, if I remember correctly) were killed due to their trip leaders' gross incompetence, and I was not surprised. Any group that makes a bunch of thirteen-year-olds row forty miles a day, never gives any of us a swimming test, and packs one gallon of milk (which Justin Collins downed all by himself the very first day out) for a five-day trip with forty kids ain't exactly being run by brainiacs. I have a serious problem with some of these "suffer in the wilderness without decent food and no shade in order to build character and trust amongst a group of people who shouldn't trust each other to begin with" kind of trips. Just so you know. I mean, couldn't the same measure of suffering and, therefore, trust building, be achieved with a Rae Dawn Chong movie marathon? Soul Man alone ought to do it. With much less potential for death. Unless we're counting self-inflicted wounds, of course.
Anyway.
The roommates are all thrilled about their Outward Bound adventure, probably because they have no idea of the hell that it entails, poor innocent darlings. Beth giggles girlishly that she's excited, because she's always wanted to go camping, but never has, and she doesn't know what to expect. There are so many huge differences between camping (which I don't really like either, because I'm fond of sheets and room service, but which can certainly be enjoyable, especially if swimming and marshmallows are involved), and Outward Bound, that I don't have enough bandwidth to name them all. Poor naïve little Beth. So unprepared. So heading for heatstroke and hot, salty tears.
At 9 PM, the doorbell rings, and it's the Outward Bound tour leader. "It's a girl! A lady! A woman!" Glen sputters, hoping no one noticed his glaring lack of political correctness and his seeming inability to find the correct and appropriate word for this female who, by the way, has eaten bugs and probably can climb the side of a cliff using only a hairpin and a hot banana. Aaron says, in his interview, that when you "think about these mountain types, if it's gonna be a woman, I thought she was gonna be about 6'8", with a beard, she can, like, bench-press 280." But, dude, she's not. The tour guide, Cheryl, is, in fact, a tiny little thing who looks quite a bit like Marlee Matlin. Aaron is instantly besotted, taking Cheryl's coat, and telling her he expected someone more "rugged." Cheryl tells Aaron that she is rugged. Aaron tells her that she totally is not. He wonders to himself if she would like to do some Jell-O shots with him back at the frat house. He shakes her hand for, like, twenty minutes.
Beth tells us in her interview that Aaron was totally smitten by Cheryl, like we couldn't tell after he turned to the camera, pointed at Cheryl and gave the audience a huge, cheesy-ass thumbs-up. Beth says it was "hilarious" to watch Aaron try to get in their tour guide's pants.
Aaron and Dom show Cheryl the house, and she's very impressed, asking them flirtatiously if she can move in with them. Aaron jumps on the suggestion, and Dom mentions that Irene is moving out. You can see the little wheels turning in both of their horny little heads. I'd give them a hard time, but think about the women in the house; Tami is insane, Irene is engaged and owns a number of loaded weapons, and Beth is...well, Beth. Cheryl is definitely cute, but she also seems, you know, normal.
Cheryl tells the roommates that they're going to Joshua Tree for a hiking and rock-climbing trip. Joshua Tree is part of the Mojave Desert in California, and it is beautiful in a very sparse, tree-less way. Personally, I like a lake and trees when I go camping, but Joshua Tree is bizarrely, and kind of apocalyptically, lovely. It's also about 500° during the day. Tami wrinkles her nose at the mention of hiking. Cheryl tells the roommates that they need to pack and carry everything they'll need with them "into the back country." Irene says she'd better not break her leg, because she's getting married in three weeks. Thanks for the newsflash, Bridey McWeddings. Dom wonders if they'll see any coyotes, and Cheryl says they may, if they're lucky. In his interview, Aaron explains that Tami and Beth are going to have "the most trouble" with the trip, "because they have a problem bonding themselves with nature." I don't even know what that means, but I suspect I have a problem bonding myself with nature. Cheryl mentions that they might see some mice out in the desert, and Tami and Beth freak. Mice, y'all. You see mice in the pet store. I can't get behind any hiking trip that only promises mice sightings. In her interview, Tami says that she just hopes to God no animals come near her. Okay, I'm way more bonded with nature than she is.
Beth asks the bathroom question, wondering, naturally, how she will keep herself fresh and lovely over the weekend. Cheryl matter-of-factly explains that there are no bathrooms in the desert, and, moreover, they have to "pack out" their used toilet paper. Squealing at the idea of carrying soiled toilet paper in baggies on their backs commences. Um, yeah. I have a hard time getting behind that myself. ["Word. I've camped and all, but at campgrounds with outhouses and, in some cases, flush toilets and showers. I feel that we, as a species, have progressed beyond the point where I should ever need to carry around remnants of my own feces. But that's me." -- Wing Chun]
Dom, in his interview, says that Cheryl is nice and attractive and that he likes her attitude. She's just lulling you into a false sense of security, dude. Back in the house, he asks if he can smoke on the trip. No smoking. No fires. No horses. No spelunking. No, No, No. See, Outward Bound is like the army. No swimming. No stopping. No toasted marshmallows.
Cheryl wonders what she can expect from them. Bickering, bitching, complaining. And that's in their own words, people. Well, they say knowing is half the battle.
B/M pulls the Winnie out of the garage, and the roommates pile into it to drive to Joshua Tree. In the back of the car, Aaron sticks his hair on end in a high-larious (not) imitation of Dom. As the Winnie pulls into an AM/PM for snack, Irene voice-overs that, on the trip, maybe she'll learn to hate someone, and maybe she'll learn to like someone more. I know one of those scenarios will ring true for me and I betcha it's the former.
The roommates, for some reason, have left Los Angeles for Joshua Tree in, like, the middle of the night, so they stop at a hotel halfway there. This makes no sense for so many reasons: first, it so should not take two days to get to Joshua Tree; second, why aren't they sleeping in the Winnebago? Isn't that what RVs are freaking FOR? Dude.
Jon and Glen are in their hotel room, and Jon calls the concierge for a wake-up call. ['Who the hell is Jon? Oh yeah, that country singer guy. Has he been on camera in any of the last four episodes?" -- Wing Chun] At 4:30 in the morning. What the hell? This entire trip was engineered for maximum pain, because if they left Venice at 7 AM, the roommates could have gotten to Joshua Tree before noon. Whatever. Whatever. I have given up trying to figure out anything about anything here. The Real World is like reality gone retarded.
Aaron, in his interview, explains that when they arrived at the hotel, they were really tired, but he looked and Dom, and he was all, dude, when are we going to be in Yucca Valley again? And, dude, everyone knows that Yucca Valley rocks! It's a never-ending freaking party, dude! So Dom and Aaron go to this dive bar and shoot some pool and drink, and get back to the hotel at 2 in the morning. Aaron tells Dom that they're going to regret staying out so late in about two hours, when they have to wake up. Dom just puts his pillow over his head.
4 AM rolls around. Shots of everyone looking like they're going to kill themselves. I once got up that early to go skiing and almost threw up. Seriously. That's too early to get up. Even farmers wait for the sun to come up before they milk the cows. Sometimes, I go to bed at 4 AM. Well, not now that I'm old. But I used to. Anyway.
Cut to Joshua Tree, where the roommates roll out of the Winnie, and meet up with Cheryl and Steve, the other instructor, who have laid out a bunch of stuff, like sleeping bags, and canteens, for each of the housemates to pack in their backpacks. Cheryl reminds them that, on this trip, there is no sex, drugs, or rock and roll. See? Nature Nazis.
Jon and Steve have a minor altercation regarding his headwear; Steve wants Jon to trade his Stetson for a baseball cap, but Jon would rather not. Steve tells Jon that the back rim of his Stetson is going to make it hard for him to carry his pack. Jon doesn't care. Wouldn't Jon's Stetson help protect his neck from sunburn? I'm just sayin'.
Aaron ineptly flirts with Cheryl, asking her some questions about the toilet paper situation. She giggles. Poo is so hot, dude. Dom rolls his eyes.
Glen explains that he had a horrible cold the weekend of the trip, and he felt awful. He does look peaked. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I feel a little bit bad for him. I can't imagine doing a punishing hike, with no shade and a thirty-pound pack, with a bad cold.
Okay, can we take a sec and talk about Beth's outfit? Hot pink, skintight bike shorts, under short, fluttery light pink dolphin shorts. Pink, green and blue tie-dyed tee shirt. Red plaid button-down flannel. Black baseball cap. Brown hiking boots. My eyes!
Hee hee. So everyone takes off without Beth, and she has to totter after them, yelling at them to wait for her. Eventually, she catches up, as Steve explains that they have "a semi-technical hike" ahead of them, which means that sometimes they'll have flat land to walk on, and the rest of the time, they'll be scrambling over rocks and whatnot. Steve explains that if they can hike efficiently, it will make the difference between going to bed at 10 PM and at 2 in the morning. That's a damn long time to be hiking.
Surprise, surprise, the Real Worlders are not hiking efficiently. Everyone looks miserable. Jon is wearing a Jesus shirt. Irene is wearing the most hideous baseball cap ever. And I hate to say it, but Aaron has his shirt off, and, yeah, okay, he looks pretty hot. I'm not made of stone, people.
The hike is not going well at all. It's 2 PM, and they haven't eaten breakfast yet. Like, that's just cruel. Seriously. ["And dangerous! They could pass out!" -- Wing Chun] Cheryl tells...someone...that if they see the spot "where it opens up," to holler. Are they lost? It's unclear, but it seems that way. Can't they just find a decent spot and make camp there? It's not like they have reservations at a patch of ground somewhere and the trees are going to charge their credit cards.
Beth gets her backpack stuck on a low-hanging tree.
Suddenly, everyone has changed into hard hats, with no explanation. Cheryl tells Jon, quite calmly, that she knows where they're going. Dom voice-overs that this hike is a pointless and dangerous exercise. And yes, it is. ["And then he kicks the map into the river. Just kidding. They wish there was a river." -- Wing Chun] Dom fully gets into it with Steve, telling him not to "fucking lie" to him, and tells him that he's sick of the bullshit the leaders are feeding him, telling him that the camp is just over the hill, while over every hill is nothing but more rocks. Sing it, Dom! It is cruel. And stupid. It's like, the Outward Bounders specifically try to break down the group, ostensibly to build them back up again, but that's bullshit. It's just mean. Damn, all my thirteen-year-old bitterness at Outward Bound is gushing out. I can't stop it, y'all. That was the worst week of my life, and it wasn't just because I was a wuss. My high school went on another Colorado River trip, ran this time by my wacky biology teacher, Dr. Bowlus, and even I, the girl who hates nature, had fun. It's Outward Bound (and its ilk) that sucks, not nature! Hey, I think I just had a breakthrough.
The group stands around Steve, who says, "You keep asking when we're going to get there. What is 'there'?" Oh, stuff a sock in it, Steve.
Aaron gets kind of fed up with the Outward Bound hiking in circles bullshit and basically takes over leading the hike. Beth voice-overs that he was doing a better job than Cheryl, but Cheryl obviously doesn't agree, because she pulls Aaron over and tells him that while she appreciates his help, she needs a little less attitude from him. See, but Cheryl forgot to tell the rest of the group to follow her instead of Aaron, and she gets piiiiiiiisssssed when they don't. Cheryl stops the group, and makes them sit in a circle (oh, screw you, Cheryl) and Steve tells them that it's time for them to "decide what [they] want out of this trip, because [they're] pissing [sic] now." What does that even mean? Steve is clearly on some kind of crazy camping power trip, because he sounds mighty angry. Steve, you're basically a camp counselor. Why don't you climb that tree over there and get over yourself? Aaron angrily calls Cheryl and Steve on the fact that they're totally talking to the RW-ers like they're children, and he tells them that he doesn't appreciate it. Jon voice-overs that the group stuck together for the first time, against the Outward Bounders. Which is the point of Outward Bound. Which, as I've said, is stupid. In the circle, Dom tells the group that "this sitting in a circle thing is, I'm sorry, horseshit." You tell 'em, Dommer! He reminds Cheryl and Steve that they're all adults, and that Irene has a gun. Sadly, it's at home.
More hiking. Hiking. Hiking. Jon voice-overs that Steve made the analogy that this experience was like a war and that if they were in a war, they wouldn't just give up. Steve: YOU ARE HIKING. That's so not like a war, I don't even know what to say. Jon chuckles that none of the roommates really wanted to think of their experience like that. Seriously. I'm sure all the housemates thought this would be a fun camping trip. But there's a reason Outward Bound picked locales like Joshua Tree (hot, shadeless, vaguely monotonous) and not, you know, Yosemite, where it's all awe-inspiring and whatnot. And it's because they're evil.
God, this is only the first commercial break. Dude. You know what? It's okay. I'm working through a lot of anger, here. I'm not even mad at Justin Collins for bogarting all the milk anymore. He didn't know that was the only gallon. He was a growing boy.
So, finally, the group reaches camp -- which, by the way, looks exactly like half of the places they hiked past, hours ago. They eat the worst food ever: rice, and water, and dehydrated crap. And beans. Cold refried beans. Beth said that Steve was all excited about the food, and she thinks he's crazy, because the food was crap. For once, I agree with Beth. Dom says that dinner was how he always imagined prison food. Dom is my new boyfriend. Okay, hot Olympic swimmer Lenny Krayzelburg is my new boyfriend, but Dom can totally hang out with us.
Everyone turns in for the night; the girls in one tent, Glen and Jon in another, and Dom and Aaron outside. Dom voice-overs that, at 3 AM, Aaron woke him up to tell him that it was raining, and speculates that he probably would have slept through the entire thing, if Aaron hadn't poked him. Aaron and Dom first try to get into the girls' tent, but, protecting their virtue, they'll have none of it, and Dom and Aaron are forced to bunk with Jon and Glen. Glen sneezes. Everyone looks perfectly miserable.
The morning, everyone gets up at the crack of dawn. Again. Jon explains that he's used to all this nature stuff, so he had a good chuckle at the expense of "the city folk." Ah, sweet Jon. Is there an unpleasant or rude bone in his body? I think not. A fashion-impaired bone, yes. A naïve bone, oh yes. But unpleasant? Nope.
Hiking. More hiking. Stupid hiking. Steve takes the RW-ers to the top of a very tall rock formation, where he puts them through one of the stupidest, most dangerous trust-building exercises ever. He hooks up Irene and Aaron to a bunch of rappelling equipment, but isn't content to just have everyone hop down the cliff (which would be fun). Instead, he bundles Beth into a stretcher, attaches that to a bunch of rope, and has Aaron and Irene ease her, prone and helpless, down the cliff. See, it's exercises like this that get people killed. Steve even tells the group that it's dangerous, and it clearly is; I don't think anyone could actually die in this instance, but they could easy, very very easily, break something. They're risking their lives and limbs for, essentially, something that could be accomplished by having Beth fall backwards into her roommates' arms in their living room.
But Aaron and Irene manage to get Beth to the ground, and everyone is very relieved. Why isn't this episode over yet? I want to take all my Outward Bound anger and bottle it back up and hide it deep down inside me again, and let it fester for a few more years. All this catharsis is tiring. Oh, goody! More commercials! It is a sad state of affairs when you enjoy the commercials more than the show itself.
So, somehow, everyone else gets down the cliff, and they move over to the rock climbing portion of today's torture -- er, "trust-building exercises." Cheryl reassures everyone that they'll be fine, because they're all roped in, and there is only the smallest, tiniest chance of them breaking something, or smashing their head against the rocks. Dom attacks the rocks first, and does fine. You can tell he's dying for a pint. As am I, frankly. The roommates go one after the other; complete with much cheering and support from their mates on the ground, which is, I suppose, nice.
In her interview, Tami said she did everything possible to get out of climbing the rocks. Back at the rocks, Tami wonders -- idly, one thinks -- if pregnant women can rock climb. Dom says they can. Tami says they can't. Beth asks Tami just how pregnant she is. Tami thanks her for telling the world her secrets. So...Tami is pregnant. Okay, that's, like big news right? Because, oddly, no one seems to have any reaction to this bomb. No one is like, dude, Tami, you're pregnant?! Maybe they're in shock.
Aaron climbs the hell out of the rocks.
Then it's Tami's turn, and she's very bad at the rock climbing. I crack up when she mutters "I am in hell" to herself, because that's exactly how I would have felt. Tami says, in her interview, that her showing in the rock-climbing extravaganza disappointed her, and she took it out on Aaron, because he did so well, and she's competitive like that. And so she does, yelling at him that he thinks he's the best at everything and that he never communicates with anyone. She stomps off. Aaron just smiles and shakes his head. He knows Tami is crazy, and doesn't take it personally.
Irene voice-overs that Outward Bound brought the roommates closer together; "These Are Days," a song which will forever remind me of my senior year in high school, tootles predictably in the background as everyone trudges back to the Winnie, and sweet, sweet civilization. Ah, civilization; land of showers, and flush toilets, and television, and Cheetos and Slurpees and Diet Coke and email and karaoke, and Scott Speedman! Glorious civilization! I love you, Civilization.
In yet another stupid Outward Bound Circle of Life, Cheryl hands out Outward Bound pins (oooh pins! That makes it all worth it, then), and tells the roommates each to take one, and give to another member of their group. Oh, barf me out. Irene gives hers to Beth, for making it down the cliff. Dude, she was the one in the stretcher, all she had to do was lay there. Beth gives her pin to Aaron, for getting her down the cliff safely and for helping everyone so nicely. Jon gives his to Glen for soldiering through, despite being really sick. Glen gives his to Jon, for his good attitude. Tami gives hers to Dom, because he keeps everyone sane with his sarcastic one-liners. Dom gives his to Irene, because he had fun with her. And Aaron gives his to Tami, because he thinks she did a good job, and he's proud of her, and because she's the only one left.
Everyone piles in the Winnie, and races home, bickering good-naturedly. Wonder if that'll last? The good-natured part. We know the bickering is here to stay.
week: Tami's pregnant!