We're at Mammoth Mountain RV Park. Roni finds a newspaper on the ground near the kids' campsite, and there is a story on the front page about their mission. Nathan reads the story, and reveals that they will be competing in a bed race. Neil argues that his team could win on style points. It's funny that, when he says this, he has a really bad Caesar haircut, which I guess was popular at the time, and is wearing some ugly plastic sunglasses.
Beth hobbles over with an air cast on her foot, holding one of those canes with the four legs for stability. In an interview, Beth says that she never thought she'd be using a walker at such a young age. Tee hee, except not. Neil tells Beth that they need to push a bed. Beth suggests that she lie in the bed while they push her. Neil says that might work, but he still thinks Beth is getting "the easy option." Seriously, if she can't contribute, boot her ass out. In an interview, Montana says that it's up to Beth. In an interview, Beth says that she's there to compete, be a team player, and win. Neil tells Beth that if she expects a cut of the cash, she needs to contribute. Damn straight.
As Harvey Danger's "Flagpole Sitta" plays, Nathan gives Jason advice on driving the Winnie. Jason says that he's driving a 1976 Winnebago named "Bessie." Jason and Nathan discuss Bessie, and how great she is. Shut up, Jason. In an interview, Jason says that if they love her, they should "put a nice dress on her." The two teams cover Bessie in spray paint, so now it looks even worse.
The two teams arrive at the Frontier Days celebration, where they will be competing against each other in the bed races. Whoever wins two out of three races gets a minute in the money machine, plus the luxury tour bus. The teams are told to find some guy named Jim who sells beds; they can decorate them as wildly as possible.
Mark suggests that they win so that they can stay in the bus. Noah says that he drove the Winnie the other day, and that it sucks. Kefla suggests that their theme should be "Bed Bugs." Over on the Winnie, Beth pipes up, "The Wizard of Oz would be kind of cool." No, it wouldn't, Beth. Shut up. Everyone warms up to Kefla's bed bug idea. Kalle says that The Real World team will probably be the Spice Girls. Just then, Beth suggests the Spice Girls, to dead silence, and then Nathan says, "No." Heh. They hate Beth. Nathan likes the Village People idea, like that's so much better than Spice Girls. Hey, why am I defending Beth? In a war between Nathan and Beth, whose side would I take? Montana says that Jason should wear chaps and a g-string, and Jason says he would do it. In an interview, Janet says that she's attracted to people who don't "live under a ceiling of fear," and that describes Jason. I think I hate everyone on the Real World team. Montana is actually the most palatable to me. How sad is that? There's more talk of Janet's leopard-print underwear, but I can't bear to go into it.
Kalle says that she's glad to have her teammates, because if she had to count on Neil and Jason for anything physical, she'd be screwed. As evidence, she points out how much they smoke, and illustrates how they would hack up a lung trying to run down a hill. Charming.
The teams arrive at a store to buy decorations and costumes. Neil gets dressed up like a cowboy. Noah climbs out of a dumpster. Not sure what that was about. Jason holds up a pair of chaps, and Montana says that they need to trim it down. Jason tells her to "take into account [his] large member." Ugh. Hate him. Mark is sewing something. The Real World team scores a police uniform frolm a security guard. Mark and Kalle illustrate their theme, with fly swatters, and plastic bugs. Janet says that their theme is "Village People" and preparations are "going awesome," and she's getting into "major competitive mode."
Janet says that they need to tear down some velour. The Real World team starts tearing the fabric from the walls of the Winnie. I thought they loved Bessie? Montana explains that the Winnie is "decked out in '70s gear," so they are using it to make their bed. They start decorating their bed. In an interview, Jason says he's definitely interested in getting to know Janet better. Janet tells Jason that he had better be confident about "the size of [his] peter," because everyone's going to see it. In an interview, Janet says that she always has her eye on someone. Jason says that he'll shove a sock in his pants. I wish he'd shove a sock in his mouth. The Road Rules team decorates their bed and do a test run. Mark tells the camera that he's guaranteeing a victory.
At night, Janet and Jason sit outside the Winnie at a picnic table. Jason explains that he reads Wherever You Go, There You Are over and over, underlining sections and rereading and learning lessons. In an interview, Janet says that she's attracted to spontaneous people. Jason says that he hates learning lessons...wait, why am I transcribing this inane conversation? It's dumb. I'm moving on. In an interview, Jason says that he'd like to give Janet a kiss. They brush their teeth outside, and discuss being friends before dating someone. Janet goes into the bus to sleep, and I'm not sure why she gets to sleep in there, when Jason has to sleep in the stinky Winnie. Then again, I don't care enough to think up a reason.
The morning, Janet is painting Jason's fingernails. Could I make that up? Jason is wearing a lovely ensemble, consisting of pants, a wife-beater, and a fedora. In an interview, Janet says that she never dated a guy who paints his fingernails or takes longer to fix his hair than she does. I hope that she cringes when she watches this now. In an interview, Jason says, "She's highly smoochable. She's soooooo smoochable." Ugh. The rest of their team joins them at the picnic table. They discuss the bus versus the Winnie. Nathan says that he'll miss driving the Winnie after they win this mission. Jason, who suddenly has a Southern accent, says, "There's a slight chance that we might get it back. I'm just talking real." Nathan says that he was told the Winnie's engine has been rebuilt, and that it's supposed to go for another hundred thousand miles.
Montana sneaks into the bus and steals the teddy bear, and then hangs it on the hook in the Winnie. She locks the door to the Winnie so that no one can get in. The ever-resourceful Noah drags a picnic table over to the driver's side window, climbs in, and retrieves the teddy bear. Did I promise shenanigans or what? Neil and Jason discover that the bear is gone, and Noah laughs. In an interview, Montana says that stealing the bear is fun, but that when you realize it's gone, it hurts. ["That seems like it should be a euphemism for something." -- Wing Chun]
Nathan and Kalle have a conversation on the Winnie. Nathan says that he gets a lot of scholarships for school, and that his father died when he was sixteen. Kalle says that her brother lives with her dad, and that her mother is dead. She died when Kalle was eighteen. Kalle tears up talking about it. Kalle either has a piercing in her lip, or a piece of glitter stuck to her face. In an interview, Kalle says that she and Nathan have a lot in common because of their dead parents. Kalle says that it made her realize she's a lot stronger than she thought, and that it made her appreciate everything else she has. Nathan sympathizes. Kalle says that people say your dead relatives are looking down on you. Nathan feels that way about his dad, but Kalle doesn't feel that way about her mom at all. Kalle says that she's seen a shooting star every year on her mom's birthday, and on the anniversary of her death.
The teams stop at a restaurant. Nathan sits alone on a curb, so Mark calls him over to hang out with the Road Rules team. Inside the Winnie, Montana says they are going to "put Beth on the bed, and let Darwinism take its course, and just send her down the hill." Nathan makes fun of his team drinking "whiskey and Cokes," smoking, and bragging that they are going to win the mission. Nathan walks over and joins the Road Rules team. In an interview, Jason says that Nathan isn't going over there because Nathan's team is losing; it's because Nathan has a crush on Kalle. In an interview, Nathan says that Kalle is a beautiful girl, and that they're just going to be friends. Then he winks. Then there's, like, five minutes of Nathan sitting, Kalle sitting, Nathan sitting, Kalle sitting.
The morning, Janet walks back from the bathroom and reports to her team that Beth is still curling her hair. Everyone is disgusted, and Janet goes to hurry Beth up. Montana is painting a huge moustache on Nathan. In an interview, Nathan makes fun of Beth for curling her hair to portray a construction worker. They drive over to pick up Beth, who is now walking without the crutches.
On the bus, Noah puts on some stockings. His teammates also get their costumes on. Mark tells Kefla that he looks like a WWF wrestler. On the Winnie, Nathan tells Jason that the other team was making fun of him, saying that he'll be running alongside the bed smoking a cigarette. Actually, Nathan, I think it was you who said that. Jason claims that if he had "five cigarettes hanging out of [his] hole, [he] could still outrun Noah." I'm so sure.
The teams arrive at the bed races. Jason comes out of the bathroom wearing a Speedo and a feathered headdress. I guess he's supposed to be the Indian. Janet is wearing military garb. Beth is a construction worker. Montana is a cop. Neil is a cowboy. I think Nathan is a beekeeper. I don't know. Montana paints words on Jason's body. He has thankfully added a loincloth to his ensemble. Anne and Kalle peek over to see what's going on. Neil, wearing a cowboy hat and no shirt, tells the camera that a lot of people are jealous of his body. He's very white, and very flabby.
We are reminded that the best two out of three races wins. The Road Rules team members are dressed up like bugs and insects, with antennae and wings and such. The girls actually look more like fairies than bugs, but it's cute. Kalle tells the camera that losing hasn't even crossed their minds, because they're going to win. The teams take their spots behind the beds at the top of the hill, and we go to commercial.
In an interview, Nathan says that if his team doesn't win, Road Rules will brag some more. Okay, so I figured it out. Nathan is a fireman. You can see why I was confused. Neil gives Nathan some tips as to how to push the bed straight down the hill. Good thing he has a PhD. Otherwise, they probably couldn't figure that one out. The race begins; the Road Rules team takes an early lead, and keeps it for the entire race, winning handily. In an interview, Nathan says that he's competitive, and that, when he doesn't win, he's pissed. He's the proto-James!
The teams line up for the second heat. The Real World team tries to run the Road Rules team off the course. Halfway through, Roni falls down and tumbles along, but her team keeps going. At the end, it's only Mark and Kefla pushing the thing. And only Nathan and Jason are pushing for their team. The Road Rules team wins, and Kefla starts yelling, "Even when you cheat, you still can't beat!" He's the Muhammad Ali of Road Rules. Nathan gets all pissed off, and then realizes that Kefla is about ten times the size of him, so he blows it off. Kalle gives Mark a big hug as we learn that the Road Rules team has now earned two minutes in the money machine.
Montana says that she doesn't know what happened, and Jason says that it's "embarrassing as hell." He's embarrassed by losing and yet not by his inane conversations with Janet? Interesting. Kalle calls the Road Rules team in for a group hug. Montana tells the camera that "it's mean to keep doing this when they picked people who are obviously so mismatched." Nathan bitches that Kefla pushed off their bed, and Beth's head. Beth, who is walking without crutches and barely a limp, says, "Like I'm not injured enough." In an interview, Neil says they have yet to see a challenge they can excel in, because his team has style, beauty, and intelligence, but the other team has the brawn.
Back at the Winnie, Nathan bitches some more. Beth says it's not fair that their team won't get a chance in the money machine. Some guy comes up and offers them clues for their challenge. They have to pick a job: "Japanese Pacer" or "Snoop Doggy Dogg." Beth encourages Jason to pick "Snoop Doggy Dogg," and he does. He opens the envelope and reveals that they have to travel to Hollywood. Beth does a big hooray for Hollywood.
Kefla jokes around on the bus, charming Roni, who says that people who are attracted to her are some of the craziest people. Over in the Winnie, Beth complains about the heat as the thermometer reveals that it is over one hundred degrees inside. Okay, I'd be complaining about the heat, too. Neil takes out some hair gel and rubs it in his hair. Nathan is driving. They spot a cop behind them, and notice that he's calling in their plate. Then he puts his siren on and they get pulled over. Nathan pulls over. In an interview, Jason says they got pulled over because of Bessie's appearance. The cop asks for license and registration, and Nathan doesn't have his license. Neil's sitting in the back, all, "Ask him why he pulled you over, Nate!" Yeah, Neil. Fucking pigs, man. Except it's about thirty years too late for that attitude. In an interview, Jason says that the cop had no choice but to let them go because he had nothing on them.
After the cop pulls away, Nathan tries to start the Winnie and fails. He totally floods the engine. Beth uses the CB to call the Road Rules bus, and they return to pick them up. The Real World team says that they don't want to leave the Winnie now. Jason says, "I will never love a woman the way I loved Big Bessie." Shut up and go read a book and paint your fingernails, you poser. ["Well, I think it's true he'll never love a woman that way." -- Wing Chun] Nathan takes a Polaroid of himself and Kalle as he voice-overs that Kalle is not the type of girl you just want to hook up with -- she's the kind of girl you want to get to know so that you can hook up many times. Okay, I might have added that last part.