Previously: We saw Norman at his art gallery, Andre at a gig, and Eric make out. Hypothesis: Filled with petty squabbles, go-nowhere "opportunities" and shameless backbiting and misunderstandings, maybe this IS the real world after all. It sure is boring enough to be.
Becky's one-on-one. She's talking about her love life, and how it goes in spurts, and how it sucks going to bed alone every night. Montage of Becky going out, or getting ready to go out. She talks about a recent break-up, and how it's going to be weird to be "out there." I sound exactly like my mother, but Becky sure is a lot cuter when she wears a little makeup. Lipstick, Becky -- it won't kill you.
Becky and her friend Adam in the recording studio. She whisper-sings some bilge into the mike.
Becky talks about how she met Adam a year and a half ago, and immediately fell for him, and how they "cuddle all the time and sleep in the same bed all the time but it's not an ongoing romance." Translation: We're fuck buddies.
Back at El Lofto. Our cast is playing their own version of Truth or Dare with the Love & Sex questionnaire we saw 'em with in the first episode. Heather B. has charge of the water pistol and threatens to shoot those giving untrue or otherwise dumb answers.
They ask Becky what her longest love-making experience was. She says, "Two and a half to three hours." Andre looks fascinated. Norman says he was twenty-one and lost it at his friend Lisa Seagal's apartment. Julie looks incredibly uncomfortable during these conversations. Becky says the most people she's ever slept with in one week is two, and that she lost her virginity when she was fifteen to the "jock of the school" because he was the only cute guy at her school, and while he was a great kisser, he was a terrible lay. C'mon, Becky, cut the guy a little slack -- very few people are good in bed during high school.
Cut to Eric, grinning and looking a little uncomfortable. He's wearing a knitted black cap that makes him look like a Trojan "ribbed for her pleasure" and a wife-beater. An homage to Marlon Brando in On the Waterfront, or inherent bad taste? You decide.
Eric's one-on-one floats over ghost-like during bits of this Truth or Dare Session. He says that Becky's "like, she's got this face to her, and if she wants something from you, she'll get it, because she knows how to get to you with her looks, and the way she talks." Eric reminds me of one of the group of extras in Quest for Fire who are really impressed when the other humanoids start walking upright and grunting in systematized ways that could be interpreted as language. No slam against Quest for Fire, because I really like that movie.
The game ends when they ask Becky if there's anything that turns her on now that she used to find icky, and she says, "I'd rather get squirted to death [than answer]."
Montage of Becky getting ready to go out. She looks like a hot tamale, giving her a handicap for the fact that it was still the tag-end of the eighties. However, hot pants are a key point in her outfit, hopefully in ironic reference to the James Brown song, but somehow, with Becky, I doubt it. As far as I can tell, the rest of her outfit consists of tights, a sheer black shirt with a built-in undershirt, and -- oh gak -- a blazer.
Norman's wearing a fez. Heather's one-on-one tells us that Norman invited them all out to a party at the Limelight for one of his pals. Norman says that it was supposed to be a big deal and everyone was getting dressed up to go out.
Cut to Becky. She's shoving some paper cups over her nipples, under her shirt, so it looks like she's wearing one of those weird Gaultier bras that Madonna was ever so fond of. Julie asks, "Are you a Material Girl?" and Becky replies, "Yeah, Dixie Cup Material."
Suddenly Heather turns into Prudent Penelope and runs down Becky's outfit, basically calling her a tramp.
Andre says, "It was pretty cute."
Becky follows Heather into the bathroom and Heather tells her to get away from her with those things and Becky says, "Wait, one of them is crooked."
Becky's one-on-one. She talks about how she thinks it's fun to dress cheesy. I cannot believe they've spent maybe a third of the show on Becky's dressing, mating, and grooming habits. Jesus, I could watch the Nature Channel and the fuckin' ring-tailed lemur would afford me more amusement, plus, at least, we'd get to see the lemur actually scoring instead of this coy editing that Bunim-Murray makes us put up with.
Heather talks about how everyone else in the house was egging Becky on. She says, "Everyone was all, 'Yeah, Madonna, you better watch out!' and I was sayin', 'Look, Madonna ain't even thinkin' about you, you better take those damn things out.'" Okay. I love Heather again.
Montage of Becky at the party, drinkin', laughin' and skankin'. Not any serious skankin' -- she bends over and kisses people a lot. In her one-on-one, she says she hates it when she's at a bar or party looking to meet some guys and someone asks her something dumb like, "Tell us about your music." Yep, I'd hate that question too, especially if an honest reply would consist of, "I'm a no-talent hack with even less voice, by the way, you're getting in the way of my Cat on a Hot Tin Roof imitation." Becky says, "I'm always like, 'Get out of my way, there's a guy over there, and you're blocking my view!'" The camera cuts to a pixelated view of a guy's bare butt.
Heather once again becomes Nancy Reagan as she describes Becky crawling around, under or over tables in her teensy little outfit, and at this point, although I don't know, I would bet Heather is (a) a born-again Christian, (b) a virgin, or (c) has A Serious Boyfriend Whom She Is Planning on Marrying, because her behavior is endemic of all three. So much for all her talk before about "understanding different kinds of lives." Whatever.
Norman and Becky sit on the couch, having a party post-mortem as Andre blows some damn impressive smoke rings. It might be the NyQuil talking, but I think Andre would not be unattractive if he cut his hair, and perhaps gave up music. He's got a nice face. ["Yeah, for a girl." -- Wing Chun] Whoops. Okay, moment over.
Becky says mournfully, "I didn't meet any cute boys." Norman says, "I didn't either." Becky says, "And if I did, they weren't interested in me."
From upstairs we hear a bloodcurdling yell, perhaps as if someone from the cast had gained clairvoyance and seen where they'd all be in ten years. "AHHHHHHHHHH -- Get OUT!"
Becky calls, "Remember to use a condom!"
Cut upstairs. Kevin is hollerin' up a storm as Heather sits on his bed. Becky comes over and jumps on top of Eric.
Eric, in his one-on-one -- during which he wears another of his endless supply of gym-queen tank tops -- talks about lying on his bed peacefully until Becky leapt on him: "I was not rolling around with Becky, Becky was rollin' around with me." Cut to a shot of Becky lying behind Eric reading a book. I find it supremely ironic that Eric wears more clothes to bed -- a short-sleeved Jockey t-shirt and boxer shorts -- than we ever see him in during the day.
I would transcribe more of Eric's one-on-one, but there's only so many times I can type, "blah blah blah ME ME ME blah blah blah ME ME" until I get some work-related injury.
Kevin's one-on-one. I'd totally forgotten he lived there. He talks about how he was pissed off, wanted to be left alone, and needed to go to sleep. Word Booty, mister. Cut to Norman, Heather and Becky in the room, singing and being sort of bratty, all while Kevin screams. And really, really screams.
Oooh, normally I don't address ads in my recaps, but I'd like to say one thing aboutThe Perfect Ripoff -- er, I mean, The Perfect Storm. Oh. Guess I said it already.
Household squabbles! Orange juice being left out, people eating one another's food without permission, and Heather telling Eric to "shut the fuck up" when he lectures her about leaving water on the stove. Heh. Also, Eric is actually wearing a jacket in one of these scenes, although he is, of course, shirtless in practically every other one.
Eric's one-on-one. He says, "I don't know how to explain it. Things are just sort of crazy in here." Montage of people dancing, eating, burping, screaming, laughing and fighting.
Becky and her babushka on the rooftop. She explains that they had to have a house meeting because of all the craziness going on.
Oh God. The Meeting. Eric is dressed in total wannabe homeboy gear, down to the heavy knit cap, the flannel, and the big wraparound shades. He's got one leg propped on a chair and starts yelling about starting the meeting. Please. God. Kill him. Norman and Becky are also wearing sunglasses. What.The.Fuck? People, PLEASE.
They all start asking why Kevin isn't there. Eric says Kevin wouldn't have anything to say anyway, since he's never there. Julie asks why they think Kevin never sleeps at the loft. I say that it's really easy to pick on Kevin instead of addressing why they're all mannerless brats. Oh, for a paddle with a spike at the end of it.
Eric starts flapping his gums about how he can't stand the smell of smoke while he's sleeping. Montage of Andre and Becky smoking. Someone asks, "Are you talking to Becky or Andre?" And Eric says, "Becky, because Andre sleeps until four." They agree that smoking shall be limited to certain hours, etc. Eric says, with a big shit-eating grin, "See how easy this is? This is great." I have a psychotic break and imagine, in vivid detail, about making Eric's shit-eating grin a reality.
Heather's one-on-one. She is cracking me up. She says, "If I don't kill Eric first, Andre will." Cut to Andre staring at Eric like he's imagining vivisecting him. Or I could be projecting. Heather says, "I don't know who'll choke him first. [pause] I don't even want to kill Eric, I just want to choke him." I love Heather.
More of Eric spouting off about how dirty the kitchen is, and how he walked in one night to find Julie and Heather cleaning up everyone else's mess. Julie turns all Mary Poppins and says, "No one made us clean that, Eric," although, I guess she is disagreeing with him. Ooh, and I hate to say it, but I agree with him. The apartment is a sty. During his one-on-one, Andre says, "My roommates. Are. Pigs."
Montage of general pigishness. More of Eric yelling about how they need to just put the dishes in the dishwasher after they eat. While I agree with his general statement, I disagree with his priggish superiority. The little snot.
Heather interrupts Eric's monologue as Kevin walks in by saying, "Lord have mercy, I'm so glad you're here."
Cut to Andre at the meeting, complaining about how he never gets his messages. And of course, it's Über-Responsible and Mature Becky who forgot to tell him about it.
Montage of everyone on the phone. I mean, one line for seven people? That's fucking inhumane.
Norman brings up the house guest issue. Kevin tells Eric that it was rude to have his sister come over and crash on his bed. Eric says that Kevin gave him permission. Kevin keeps saying, "I don't recall that."
Norman and Becky tell us that everyone hates Kim. Any Nies branch off the family tree is, I imagine, the kind of branch that insinuates itself up everyone's ass. Montage of shots of Kim. I kind of wish we'd have seen more of her to decide for ourselves if she's as unbearable as Eric.
Back to the meeting. Kevin tells Eric off -- albeit very nicely -- for making Kim the de facto eighth roommate.
Oh-oh, The Letter. Kevin writes Eric a letter explaining his feelings, and Eric, in a fit of extreme maturity, leaves it out so that everyone in the loft can see it. Everyone has a hard time reading Kevin's handwriting, but that doesn't stop Eric from getting all Marcus Aurelius about it and declaiming from the rooftops that he's been done wrong.
Julie tries to read the letter to Heather. Heather makes the canny observation, "I bet even after all this they still won't talk about it." Eric's one-on-one confirms that.
Andre reads the letter. He asks Eric what he thinks about it. Eric says he thinks it's bullshit. Eric talks about how he thought Kevin was really cool when he first met him, and then how he and Kevin started having problems when Eric brought his sister to stay at the loft. Eric spins some bullshit out of nowhere about how Kim thinks Kevin is really rude and cold to her, and he won't deal with anyone "disrespecting" his sister.
Andre tells Eric that he has to work something out with Kevin.
Eric says, screw that, he dissed my family and me, and that he has the nerve to complain about Kim when one of his friends has been parked on the couch for a couple of days. Really, are the Godfather histrionics necessary, Eric?
Oh God. Eric and his friends are sitting around the table talking big about the letter, and how Kevin better sleep light. Kevin and his friend walk in to the room, and there's an incredibly tense moment as he and Kevin eyeball each other from across the room.
week: Get ready to ruuuuuummmmmmmble. Eric and Kevin throw down.