Previously on The Practice: Emperor Rod gets the crap kicked out of him by Bull, a client furious because Bobby basically ignored privilege and went to the cops behind his back. Blah, you gave me up, blah, whack, blam, bonk, urgh, ah, slap, strangle, choke, hospital. Go read Shack's recap -- it's excellent. And he rocks for filling in for me when I had pneumonia.
Suffering County Holding Cell. Ellenor holds up an Oz-inspired photograph of a cellmate who has been shanked to death. She holds up another picture of the murder weapon and says, "Your fingerprints on the knife." Giancarlo Esposito is the guest star of the week. He's got great curly hair and marvelous sort of shocked expression on his face. Ellenor continues, "Your confession to the murder." Ray just keeps on looking at his lawyer and not saying anything. Ellenor pauses for effect. She slaps her hands down on the table, also for effect. "We don't win this one, Ray." The hands push the air like they are kneading bread. "This case we plead." Ray is wearing his orange prison jumpsuit. He wants Ellenor to "go over it again." She's exasperated. I think it's because they keep plucking her eyebrows into perfect little half-moons sitting atop her eyes. Why do they do that? Then they give her these long, dangly earrings that look more like they belong on the set of Flashdance than here. Again with the exasperation, Ellenor whines, "This is getting really boring." It's not boring to Ray. He loves court dates. It beats watching television, and the food is better than it is in state prison. Then he makes some crack about "getting on" Ellie, which, considering her last few weeks, she doesn't take too kindly. When Ellenor calls for the guard, they both jump up. Ray whispers, "No! Don't call the guard. I know about the guards." With absolutely no pun intended, Ellenor half-yells, half-mutters, "Don't screw around with me, Ray!" He didn't want to tell Ellenor about the guards before; he was afraid she wouldn't believe him.
The Waltz Of The Wounded Inmate decides to grace the couple with its presence. Ray glances furtively around Ellenor. Then he sits back down. Apparently, the guards in state prison set up fights between the inmates and then bet on them. Apparently, they wanted Ray to fight Bowman, his cellmate, the one with the fatal shank wound. But before Ray could actually have the fight, the guards killed him. Ellenor sits down. She's stunned. "Are you saying they framed you?" Well, come on; you don't rat out the guards and then live. Unfortunately, they've left Ray with no choice, and he's really stuck because he can't do any more prison time. Well, this piques Ellenor's interest; there's nothing like a defense that involves uncovering a bunch of crooked prison guards to wake you up on a Monday morning. Ellenor asks, "Is this true?" Ray looks down. Around. Back. To the side. Then he smiles: "No. But I sure had you going, didn't I?" His lawyer calls him an idiot and starts grabbing up all of her papers. She's pissed. She wants to plead the case out. If she can get him ten years on top of his current sentence; that would be a good result. Ray balks. He can't do thirteen years. He can't even do the time he's got left. Ellenor: "Ray. When you get convicted this time, it's mandatory life. So you either let me make a deal or you have to get used to the idea that you are going to die in prison." It's his choice. Some choice -- it seems to me that he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. Literally.
I would rather endure the beating that Bobby took last week than have to listen to these stupid credits. Oh, wait, Hunky D.A.; oh, okay, continue the beating.
I was just at the hairdressers and she gave me InStyle to read. There was a bit in there about how a rumour started circulating that David E. Kelley's production team was so cheap, they recycled wardrobe from Ally McBeal over to The Practice. Hum. Apparently, this is not true and DEK's production team dresses Dylan McDermott only in the finest. And I got to thinking that I can't believe the show would balk at the fact that people thought the clothes were recycled, considering that every original plot idea DEK's ever had has been shredded through the pasta-maker, buzzed up in a blender, and then barfed up from one show to the with the consistency of a yogurt smoothie. The dude recycles more plots then John Irving -- and that's saying a lot.
The Firm Where They Argue The Merits Of Pain. Jimmy "The Lump" Berluti is fulfilling his annoying sidekick quota early in the episode: "There's nothing you can challenge?" Nope. Ray's confession was voluntary. On top of that, it was also vividly incriminating. Plus, forget self-defense, because Ray admitted that the victim was asleep when he stabbed him. Lucy wants to know why he did it in the first place. Ellenor: "I don't know. He won't tell me." Then, for some reason, Jimmy asks how many times Ellenor has represented Ray over the years. She says, "This makes four." Whew. Career criminal that hates spending time in jail. You'd think that Ray would have found another line of work by now. ["Or another defense attorney." -- Sars] Ellenor: "And to be honest, I've always liked the guy, but since he's been in prison, I don't know." Wait for this little nugget of wisdom from Jimmy "O Wise Sage" Berluti: "After a while it drives them all crazy." Un-huh. Isn't that kind of the point? To punish guilty people so much that they don't commit any further crimes? Idiots. Ellenor is happy Ray's at least admitted that she can try to plead the case.
The front door of The Firm flies open with rage. Lindsay storms in and throws her briefcase on her desk. She glares at everyone. Ellenor says tentatively, "Good morning?" Behind her comes the fallen Emperor Rod. He's bruised. He's beaten. He's bandaged. Ellenor: "What the hell are you doing here?" Rebecca: "I told you he'd come back too fast." Rod mutters, "Hello to you too." He pauses and says quietly, "It's good to be back." Jimmy says hey, and then he says that Bobby looks bad. Which is true, he does. He looks terrible. Ellenor thinks that Rod should drop "the macho crap" and go home. Except that then the world wouldn't revolve around him, and he just couldn't bear that. The world must revolve around Emperor Rod; it's the mandate of his new world religion, Rodivanity. There's only one rule: Everyone must love and honour Rod. Any. Way. He halfheartedly barks at Lucy to bring him some files, and he wants her to tell Eugene that they'll need to go over the finances. Ah, his life is so rough. Blink. Stretch. Yawn.
Hunky D.A.'s House Of Pain. Ah, he's like a little cup on sunshine on a grey, grey day. Ellenor and Ray are with the Hunk, who is refusing to make a deal. Ellenor: "Can't you once just be reasonable. If he pleads, he'll serve thirteen years before he's even considered for parole." Hunky: "He committed cold-blooded murder. He ought to stay in prison for life. Plus, it's only a one-day trial." Ray seems to think that getting cheeky with Hunky is the right way to go. Ah, he is sadly mistaken. Ray: "Ellenor, don't beg this guy." He looks over at the D.A. and snarks, "You got a real stick up your ass." Heh. Ellenor tells her client to shut his mouth. Only he doesn't listen; he moves in to stand face-to-face with Alan. "You know why I bet you suck? Because people hate arrogant." Pause. Insert dry, droll music here. "Juries love me." Hunky insists, "That last jury sure loved you." Ray reminds the D.A. that he pleaded out to the robbery charge; he had no choice. The illustrious "they" had him on tape. A jury has never convicted him. He flips his head over toward Ellenor so his hair sort of bounces. It's got more character than most of the stars on this show combined. "We can beat this chump." Ellenor: "No. We. Can't." Alan leaves the room and slams the door. He's just ended one of the worst pissing contests I've ever seen.
The Office Where Rod Meditates On His Pain. Eugene is in the room. He's standing over Bobby, who is looking through "the books." Lindsay is also there. She's scowling. It's her only trick thus far in the episode. Bobby takes a deep breath. It looks like breathing is painful for him. Wah. Cry me a river. He mumbles, "Collections are down." Eugene explains that their clients are hurting because of the recession. Apparently, some firms in town are taking fifty cents on the dollar. Keep on kicking him. Rod is really down. If we beat him enough, maybe he won't come back again. After giving up on the economic side of the business, Rod asks if anyone needs his help. Because, you know, the world stops without him. No one can lawyer without The King Of Litigation himself by their side. Yawn. Eugene runs down the current state of affairs. Ellenor's got a trial that's going to plead -- oh, wait, what's that, is Lindsay giving you the evil eyebrows? Yes. In fact, they're bouncing up and down like a little yellow ball telling you to sing. Wait, they're wiggling like Groucho Marx. Come on, Eugene, can't you please get the freaking hint so I can stop watching the woman make an ass out of her eyebrows. Finally. Eugene gets it. In fact, we all GET IT. Blah Rod's hurt, blah shouldn't be back at work, blah beating blah. Eugene: "What's your schedule?" Bobby: "Don't you start now." Eugene: "For now, you shouldn't be taking any criminal cases, Bobby." Rod: "Excuse me." Yeah, like any client would feel well represented by a man whose got a face that looks like a steak that's been marinated for way too long. Eugene continues, "Before you go back in a cell with another client we think it would be best if you got your legs back." Because the beating paralyzed him. Un-huh. Except it didn't. And it's a terribly silly analogy considering that his legs are working fine; it's his face that's in trouble. Rod stands up in defiance. No one's going to tell him how to run his empire. Lindsay steps in: "Bobby!" Rod: "You and Lindsay got together and decided how I should practice law?" No. The Firm decided. Damn, that's even worse. Bobby: "time my firm plans on discussing my career let me know. I'd like to be there." Well, his wife doesn't take kindly to these biting words. Yawn. She slams the door open and walks out with a Britney Spears-like attitude. She's no slave, though. And she probably wouldn't dance around on stage with a huge yellow snake for an accessory. Eugene's left behind. He sort of looks at Rod, and then he leaves too.
Outside Where The Firm Feels The Pain. Eugene saunters past Lindsay, who is teary by this time. She's got The Frustrating Husband Fugue to comfort her. He says, "You've got to give him some time." She says, "He won't give himself any time. He won't even talk about what happened." Eugene makes some crack about how Bobby's not big on sharing his feelings. I snort some Coke out my nose because I can barely believe he kept a straight face while saying that line. Yeah, except that every single time Bobby shouts, screams, yells, moans, whines, pontificates, and philosophizes about a case, his life, his wife, their marriage, Jimmy's gambling habits, Ellenor's bad decisions, Eugene's moral superiority -- he's not being emotional? I mean, come on. Rod's got an emotion, and an emotional discussion for that matter, for every single hour of every single day of every single freaking week. Their pathetic conversation continues as Lindsay says, "I noticed that he feels like we're attacking him." Eugene thinks that, right now, Rod is something he never wanted to be. A victim. Oh my goodness, the cheese is so thick right now that I'm having trouble seeing the television screen. Might as well call Lindsay "Queen Gouda" and Eugene "Prince Mozzarella"; it's that bad. Blah not easy for Rod to deal with, blah you have to know that blah. Eugene saunters away. Lindsay sighs. Okay, haven't enough members of The Firm been subject to various different acts of violence for a permanent grief counselor to be on call? Shouldn't they be employing some sort of staff psychiatrist? I mean, Lindsay was stabbed, a bomb went off and caused Rebecca to end up in a coma. Ellenor was stalked. Lucy had her breast bitten. Haven't they been through enough?
Suffering County Courthouse. Ellenor, Hunky D.A. and Ray are in the courtroom. Judge Mantz is presiding. But I'm going to call him Judge Odo, because it's Rene Auberjonois. Any. Way. Ellenor wants to get off the case because Ray is being so damn unreasonable. Man, Ron Livingston looks really, really good in a suit. Right, recapping. Just let me wipe that drool off my keyboard so that I can continue. When Ellenor defended Ray before, he listened to her. Now, he won't take her advice or help her develop a useful defense. She can't in good conscience continue to be his lawyer. Hunky: "This is a ploy to get a continuance." Ellenor insists that Hunky knows she has a real conflict. Alan: "I know your client doesn't have a defense." The Judge hops on the argument train: "I don't care what you know. I care about Mr. McMurphy." Odo turns to his attention to Ray and asks him if he and Ellenor are having problems. Ray stands up and politely says, "Thank you for asking, Your Honour." He swallows. Staggers a bit on his feet. Then he apologizes for the fact that he gets nervous. Ellenor turns around and gives him a state-of-the-art stink-eye. Ray continues, "It's just that she wants me to plead guilty and I want my day in court." Odo: "Are you pressuring him to plead?" Ellenor says yes. She's got a duty to stop Ray from pursuing a trial that he can't possibly win. The judge insists that it's Ray's choice whether or not he wants to have a day in court. Ellenor says, "Not with me as his lawyer. We've got a conflict. Let him get new counsel." Well, Alan needs to pipe in, because he hasn't had a line in the last little while: "We're ready to today; bringing in a new lawyer will delay the case for months, maybe a year." Ray insists that he doesn't want to go back upstate today. Hell, he'll be his own lawyer and he'll defend himself. Anything to get the trial done today. Ellenor's head snaps back like Linda Blair in The Exorcist. She can't believe what she just heard: "That is a bad IDEA." In fact, Alan can't quite believe what he heard either, but damn, you know the judge is going to go for it because the music starts up on a "pro se" cue. Hunky insists that if Ray does represent himself, he'll just end up appealing, stating that they violated his right to counsel. Blah legal problems blah. Ray: "No. I can have Ms. Frutt advise me. Then, I'll waive [the appeal], which means it will be knowing." The music bleats on like a sheep that lost its flock about seventeen years ago and has been mooning for them ever since. The judge advises him not to represent himself. Ray: "But I have a right to, don't I? I choose to exercise that right."
Ellenor asks for a second. She leans over the desk and whisper-threatens, "What are you doing?" He whisper-asserts back, "I want to go to trial now, with or without you." She whisper-snarls back, "Ray, you may be nuts but you aren't crazy." He whisper-says back, "Which means my wish should be respected." She whisper-shouts, "You will be convicted." Blah no he won't, blah she turns around, blah he wants to represent himself blah. The judge orders Ellenor to assist Ray; she tries to put up a fuss. Judge Mantz insists that while the law might say Ray can act pro se, that doesn't mean that he'll let Ray go into a trial unprotected. Ellenor: "Let him get somebody else." No. He's got her. He's going to keep her. The judge warns Ray that defending himself is a "very serious step." Does he want to take it? Ray insists he does. He's been through enough trials to understand how they work, and he's sure that he can do it, with Ellenor's help. Ellenor: "I object to being forced to help a man convict himself." Only didn't she want him to plead, and wouldn't he end up convicting himself that way anyway? Blah. The judge notes her objection, makes some snarky comment about how Ellenor really objects to the fact that the client wants to make a different decision than she does, and tells them all he'll see them at eleven o'clock. Whew. Aren't we all on the edges of our seats waiting to see how this one is going to turn out?
Suffering County Courthouse Where Ray Takes Charge Of His Pain. Outside the client room, Ellenor has called Lucy forth to do her good non-work-related deed of the day. Lucy says incredulously, "So he's defending himself?" Ellenor insists that it really wasn't her idea. The receptionist hands Ellenor a garment bag. Then Lucy continues, "And you still have to be there?" Yes. Apparently, Ray wants copies of the local rules, a textbook on criminal procedures, and the evidence code. Because he'll have so much time to go over this material before the trial starts in two hours. Lucy still can't get over the fact that Ray's defending himself: "So you're second chair to him?" Lucy. Hurry. Ellenor turns around and walks back toward the client room.
Inside, she slams the garment bag down on the table. Only she and Ray are in mid-conversation. My guess is that he's told Ellenor that he doesn't want to wear the suit, because she's already saying, "If you don't wear it you will look guilty." The one in the orange jumper insists that the jury will know where Ray was living simply by the fact that he killed his cellmate. He thinks the suit will make him look like a phony. She shakes her head. He wants to talk about the trial. Ray sits down: "That judge seems like a liberal." Yes, he is, particularly at sentencing, which is why Ray should plead this case down. Ray asks a strategic question: "If I waive the jury and have him decide it, would he acquit me?" No. She admits that Ray's better off with the jury. Ray: "You still say that frame-up and self-defense are out?" Yes. "What other defenses do we have?" Ellenor screams that he can't just make something up. He reminds Ellenor that, as his advisor, she does have to tell him what his options are. "Alibi." Pause. "Which won't work because you were locked in a cell with the victim." Pause. "Insanity." Pause. "Which the prison shrink says you're not." Pause. "Necessity." Pause. "Not applicable on these facts. Jury nullification." Ray interrupts her rapid-fire school of defense for a second; he wants to run around "necessity" for a minute. What is that defense? Ellenor tries to tell him that it wouldn't work in this case, but Ray gets really, really mad. He bashes his fists on the table. In fact, he bashes them so hard that Ellenor jumps back. He screams, "Just tell me what it is!" She pauses. "You killed him because somebody forced you to." The Harmony Of Hideous Incarcerations wants to give Ellenor a lesson in prison life. Blah do you know how you survive in prison, blah you grab opportunities, blah get me some cases on necessity blah.
Suffering County Courthouse. Rod is back in action. He's got a client. Helen is, of course, the D.A. in this particular case. Now, just like Jennifer Lopez and Kim Delaney, LFB's gotten herself some bangs. And you know what? They look nice. They soften her hair a bit. Give the ponytail some '50s-style bounce. And if you tell anyone I actually complimented LFB, I'll kill you -- all of you. Okay, so Helen is explaining that the trial regarding the defendant's assault charge was supposed to begin last week, only Bobby was in the hospital. The judge asks Rod when he'll be "back in the saddle." Ahem -- only after he "gets his legs." Do you think the fellow that wrote this episode has been watching way, way too much John Wayne lately? Rod insists that he's back now -- in the saddle, that is. The judge explains that he's had a case plead out and that he's ready to start today. Bobby looks stunned. In fact, if I could digress just for a minute, LFB's bangs make her look a lot younger. It's harder to notice the pancake make-up and the ridiculous blue eyeliner. Right, back on track, Bobby's still stunned. He asks for a moment with his client. He bends down to some nameless, faceless criminal and asks him what he wants to do. Apparently, Client X just wants to get the trial over and done with. Helen sits down facing forward. Bobby whispers that under the law, Client X is entitled to more time. Client X: "Do I want more time?" Well, the music sort of thinks that you do. Bobby thinks that more time never hurts. That more time allows him to "investigate the defense." Yeah. Right. Step down off the horse, Donnell. Retire the saddle. Cut your legs back off. You're not ready to be back at work. Thankfully, Helen pipes up and says that she's just realized she's got a scheduling conflict. The trial is delayed until June 6. Is that okay with Bobby's client? Yes. The judge adjourns the case. On his way out, Client X says, "Bobby. We need to talk." Rod puts him off by saying he'll come and see him. Helen and her fancy bangs walk over to her ex-lover. All of them tell Bobby to take care of himself. Ah, that Helen. She's not so cold-hearted after all, now is she?
The other side of the Suffering County Courthouse Where There Is No Rainbow, Only Pain. Judge Mantz explains the concept of "pro se" to the jury. Blah represent himself blah. Blah standby counsel blah. Then he instructs the jury to draw conclusions only from evidence and not from performance, because Ray hasn't any experience.
The Witness Stand Where They All Recount Their Pain. A prison guard is testifying to the events. When they rolled the cell doors open for the first count, they discovered that McMurphy came out and Bowman didn't. Alan asks, "What did you do?" Prison Guard X checked the cell. They discovered Bowman with the shiv still sticking out of his chest. And if that weren't conclusive enough, Ray had blood all over his jumper. Alan: "Could you tell if there'd been a fight in the cell?" Ellenor whisper-advises, "Object to that, insufficient foundation." Ray bounces up. It's quite cute, actually. He bounds out of his chair like the hare on the first day of the race with the tortoise. Then he says, "Object. Something. Foundation." The judge sustains the objection. Alan asks if anything was broken or if there were things strewn around. Prison Guard X responds by saying that it did not look like a fight had taken place. Ray turns to Ellenor: "He got to say it anyway." Ellenor tries to be encouraging: "Good witnesses know how." Before Ray gets up to do his cross, Ellenor warns, "Be careful."
Ray walks over to Prison Guard X and greets him with, "Saunders." Prison Guard X says, "McMurphy." I'm waiting for them to take ten paces and draw. Ray says, "First thing you did was take me to the deputy warden's office where I told you I had to kill him." Thankfully, Hunky objects; apparently, this too lacks foundation. Blah not the witness blah. Then Ray says, "You hate my guts, right." To which Prison Guard X replies, "I hate killers, yes." Causing Ellenor to jump up and object. The judge tells Ellenor to sit down. Then he nods at Ray to continue. Ray stays with this line of "questioning": "You hated me because I wouldn't kiss your ass." Prison Guard X's answer is even better: "You're a killer and a liar." The judge steps in and tells the jury to disregard this entire conversation. Then Ray gives up on the witness. Ellenor shakes her head. Alan gets up again: "Did you ever suspect anyone other than the defendant of this murder?" No. Ellenor tries to get Ray to object again, but he wants to hear the answer. "Why didn't you suspect anyone else?" Well, it's a two-man cell, so it couldn't have been anyone else. Plus, Prison Guard X adds, McMurphy hated Bowman and everyone knew it. Ray jumps up, "That's a lie!" The judge orders them to sit down. Ellenor yells, "Your Honour!" Ray continues, "Other people hated Bowman." Prison Guard X insists that Mr. McMurphy hated Bowman the most, and he didn't know why. The Melody Of Misbegotten Intentions rallies as Ray sits down and looks like the world just landed on his shoulders. Ellenor, always one to add insult to injury, whisper-insults him: "Nice job, Ray."
Client Room Where All Kinds Of Pain Are Discussed. Ray and Ellenor are screaming at each other. He'd like her to support him. She thinks she's doing just that. She is trying to help by telling him to object. Ray: "So. How'd that go?" Ellenor: "Terrible. In addition to time and opportunity, he testified that you didn't like the victim." But there is a silver lining; Ray did manage to establish the fact that Prison Guard X hates him. Ellenor advises that Ray keep that in mind and then argue the bias when it comes to his closing. Then she tells Ray to make sure he objects when the warden testifies. Blah hearsay blah. Apparently, the warden's testimony is going to "kill him." Poor Ray; do you think he's in over his head just yet?
The Warden's Witness Chair Of Pain. Alan's right. He does have a strong case. Deputy Warden X explains that he was in charge of the investigation into Bowman's death. Alan: "You spoke with the defendant." Deputy Warden X says yes, he did talk to Ray. Alan: "What, if anything, did he say?" Cue Ray bounding to his feet like a kid on Christmas: "Objection. Hearsay." Alan argues that this is admissible hearsay, as a declaration against interest. The judge overrules Ray. Deputy Warden X continues, "He said he stabbed Bowman a couple of hours after lights out." Alan holds up an evidence bag: "Recognize this?" Helen has snuck into the courtroom to "observe." Hell, if I could observe Hunky D.A., I sure would. Ahem, right, yes -- Deputy Warden X does, in fact, recognize the contents of the bag; it's the murder weapon. It's a filed-down toothbrush, which turns into a makeshift knife. "You checked it for prints?" Deputy Warden X replies that yes, they did check it for prints and that yes, McMurphy's prints were on the toothbrush. Alan: "Did he say what, if anything, Mr. Bowman was doing at the time he stabbed him?" Yes. He said Bowman was sleeping.
Ray starts his cross-examination. He says, "When I talked to you back at your office, I looked real scared, I was shaking and crying." Only he doesn't really get to finish his question, because Hunky D.A. is all over him for hearsay. And when Ray points out that Alan used hearsay, Hunky throws so much legal terminology at the poor fellow that he's totally lost. The judge sustains. Ray: "So I'm not allowed to say what happened?" Odo: "You're not the witness. The objection is sustained." Alan sits down and tries not to look smug, but he does look smug, almost too smug for his own damn good.
The Hunky D.A. House Of Pain. It must be lunchtime, because he and Helen are sharing a meal. Only no one has touched his or her food. Perhaps it's plastic. Because Helen isn't real. Alan: "Every question he asks helps my case. He's still in his jumpsuit, for God's sake. He might as well wear a sign that says, 'Convict me.'" Helen crosses her arms over the bony expanse that is her chest and warns Hunky D.A. to be careful. "Why?" Because she thinks that Ray is smarter than Alan's giving him credit for. Hunky D.A.: "What am I missing?" Oh, can we not get through a single scene without the ridiculous music cuing up and causing my temporal lobe massive amounts of pain? Blah the jury sees a man who is not being defended, blah guy who doesn't know the law blah. Blah let him win a few, blah ease off the objections blah. Alan: "Do you really think I'm in a fight here?" Helen: "From what I saw, yes." She advises him to be careful, because their office has lost cases to pro se defenses before. Alan just sits there and looks at Helen, his hair jauntily curling over one tiny corner of his forehead, his eyes locked in confusion, his chin perfect. Ah, Hunky D.A., what would we do without you?
The Client Room Of Lunch Fun. At least Ray is eating his damn food. Ellenor, well, she's pacing. And yelling. And worrying. "Are you going to testify?" Oh, and did Lucy ever show up with those textbooks, has Ray really even consulted case law? Honestly? It's so silly. Ray hasn't decided yet. "Well, if you don't testify, how do you intend to prove that you acted out of necessity?" Ray keeps on eating. Ellenor: "Look, if I think this defense is a lie, I have to tell the judge." They bicker. Blah idiot blah. Ray: "You want to be helpful. You get me this guy. He's testifying downstairs." He passes her a piece of paper. She wants to know why Ray is doing what he's doing. And no, she doesn't mean why is he eating his lunch like it's his first meal after spending a month or two on a desert island. Ray quips, "Trial prep's really important." Ellie sits down beside him at the table. "You know what I mean!" Then she whines. Blah Ray used to trust her, blah when she said plead, blah he would plead blah. Ray turns to her. This cues The Lawyer Feeling Sorry For Herself Blues. "Did I let you down? What's changed?" Ray takes a deep breath. Apparently, it's not Ellenor. More time in prison would mean a death sentence, and not from the death penalty. Ellenor: "Then why did you kill him?" Ray throws down some stereotypes about being in prison, which I'm sure have a basis in reality -- it can't be a walk in the park, state prison -- but come on, how often have we heard that guys get killed over a pack of smokes? Honestly, at least put some effort into the story, writers. Yawn. Ray simply can't take it anymore. The longer the trial lasts, the less time he has to be in prison. Ellenor: "You killed him over cigarettes." Ray: "I said if." Then he happily carries on eating his tasty non-prison-issue lunch.
Holding Cell Of Hellish Pain. A guard leads Bobby down the path of self-realization. It's longer and wider than the yellow brick road and not half as much fun. As Rod sees his client in the cell, he has visions of Bull-beatings dance around in his head. He makes up some lame excuse about how he got paged, and books. Ah, Rod, you're such a baby; grow up and get over it already.
The Firm. A tubby fellow wearing a white shirt and standard issue facial hair comes into the office. He asks if Bobby Donnell is in. Lucy asks who he is and he says he's Leonard Welsh, a counselor from the state outreach program. Apparently, they are funded by the legislature to help crime victims. Lindsay snarks, "'Victim' is not a word he likes, and anyway, he's already given his statement to the D.A." Welsh isn't from the D.A.'s office; he's there just to make sure that Rod is okay. Aw, his own personal drop-in therapist. And who says the medical profession is lacking in customer care?
Back to Ray's Day In Pain. Again, we interrupt this broadcast to bring you a conversation already in progress. Ellenor: "This is your defense?" Mystery Defense Witness X rattles off some tale about how Bowman cheated him out of some money for a drug deal. So, he told McMurphy that if he didn't kill Bowman, Mystery Defense Witness X would kill him. Ellenor: "Is any of this true?" Ah, it's kind of sweet that the gravelly-voiced, tough-as-nails Mystery Defense Witness X is upset that Ellenor thinks he's a liar. Ray wants to know if Ellenor has another means by which he can get his story out there. Ellenor: "You don't have a story. The jury is not going to believe a word he says." Ray argues, "The jury is going to believe that he's a scary dude [Yup. He's one scary dude. Honest] and they're going to believe that I would do whatever he told me to do." Ellenor turns to Mystery Defense Witness X and tells him that he'll be convicted of perjury. Again, Mystery Defense Witness X tells the lawyer that he isn't lying, and plus, he's serving three consecutive life terms; he's not too worried about perjury. Ray: "Ellenor, think about it, if he testifies, I don't have to." Blah in his other trials, blah she said, blah iffy if he testified, blah bad for the jury blah. If Ray testifies, his priors come in, and that could be problematic. You have to admit that what Ray says is making sense. Ellenor insists that she can't let them obstruct justice. Ray: "You said juries convict guys based on priors. Right now they don't know what I did and they'll never know if I don't testify." Whew. Ray is very animated. He's also pleased; he thinks having Mystery Defense Witness X, or "Harris" as he's called, testify for him is a good out. They argue about the truth issue. And Ray's right; Ellenor has no idea if the story is true or not, and because this is The Practice, she'll embark on no journey whatsoever to try to find out the real story.
The Firm. Drive-By Psychiatrist X is interviewing Bobby. For some reason, Lindsay is present. Because Bobby can't do anything by himself these days. Perhaps she's making up for the fact that she wasn't at the hospital when he received his beating. Now she's going to be there for her man no matter what. Uh-huh. Leonard continues his "therapy" session. Honestly, Bobby wants no part of this; in fact, he is openly hostile toward the man. Lindsay tries to reason with him, but then Leonard asks to speak with Rod alone. He says, "The people who love us most want to help but their concern can overwhelm." Rod then tells him to "get the hell out of" his office. Heh. Leonard insists that what happened wasn't Rod's fault. Rod doesn't blame anyone. He just wants to get rid of Leonard. Leonard thinks Rod is in good shape; he leaves his card in case Bobby changes his mind about talking. Oh, and then he pulls out a contract and asks the Emperor to sign it; the little piece of paper exonerates the state from any liability. Bobby screams, "Wait a minute! This releases the state from any lawsuits!" Leonard mutters, "That's just one part of the form." Bobby: "That's why you're here? To cover the Commonwealth's ass?"
Cut to outside, where Bobby is pushing Leonard "Call Me Lenny" Welsh out of The Firm. He's got Leonard's arm turned around behind him and literally throws the guy out. Eugene tries to tell him to calm down, but you know that Rod, never showing his emotions or anything; it's just a temper-tantrum. It's nothing to get worked up about; yawn. Bobby: "He's from the attorney general's office. He's looking for a release so I won't sue." Lindsay, doing her best impression of Jamie Lee Curtis, says, "What?" Whew. Rod is M.A.D. mad. He wants Rebecca to start researching cases about the state's failure to maintain workspaces, et cetera. He's so mad that his entire face is red. He's spitting. His eyes are about to bulge out of his head. Oh, but remember, he's doing all of this without showing ANY EMOTION. Remember. Lindsay wants Bobby to hold on. Only Rod is on a roll: "The state is to blame for this. Where the hell were the guards?" When Lindsay walks forward to try to comfort her obviously upset husband, he shouts, "Either help me with this or leave me alone!"
Ray's Trial Whereby He May Escape His Pain. Mystery Defense Witness X is on the stand. He explains that he knew Bowman "on the outside." Apparently, Ray's cellmate was a dealer and a banger, and he was moving drugs on the inside as well. Harris explains that once Bowman shorted him on a balloon of coke. "That was disrespecting me. He had to pay for that." Ray: "Why didn't you kill him yourself?" Mystery Defense Witness X responds, "It ain't easy getting a guy who knows you're coming. He was a big boy. I got respect for size." Ray asks, "I told you I didn't want to do it, right?" Mystery Defense Witness X explains that he didn't give McMurphy much of a choice, it was Ray or Bowman, and so the word got out that if you "punked" Harris, then you died. Ray thanks his witness and sits down.
Alan stands up and asks, "When did you and the defendant come up with this story?" Mystery Defense Witness X says, "It's the truth." Alan doesn't believe him. He keeps badgering him: "Was it yesterday, when the two of you were bussed in from state prison for your court proceedings?" Mystery Defense Witness X repeats the whole dealer-outside-banger story. Alan reminds the defendant that he's been convicted of rape, robbery, perjury, and murder. Harris says he's actually been convicted of three murders. Alan: "And you're about to be convicted of a fourth." Harris: "I'm a bad man." Then Alan tells him that he's a convicted liar. Harris just says okay. Alan: "So when the defendant asked you to lie for him, you had nothing to lose, another conviction for perjury or murder, it doesn't matter." Ellenor whisper-advises: "Object, argumentative." Ray whisper-says, "He's okay." The two men are continuing their verbal sparring. Mystery Defense Witness X says, "What are you talking about?" Alan continues, "You lie for him, there's no downside. There's an upside." Harris asks, "What's that?" Well, then McMurphy owes him. McMurphy is now an ally. That's key in prison for a guy who has as many enemies as poor Mystery Defense Witness X. Harris says, "I got no idea what you mean." There is steam coming from Alan's pretty little ears as he glances over to the judge.
Judge Mantz's Chamber Of Painful Little Secrets. Alan wants to strike all of Mystery Defense Witness X's testimony as unreliable. The judge insists that that's the jury's decision. Well, then, Alan wants him to instruct the jury to throw out the necessity defense. Mantz turns to Ellenor for a response. She balks. And then argues, "Black-letter law. He can't be convicted if he killed out of necessity. Mr. Harris said he told my client kill Bowman or be killed." Mantz leans forward as Ellenor continues, "Necessity is a defense to murder in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts." Alan argues that you can only raise that defense if death is an immediate concern. The "Stand-By" Counselor responds by stating that the rule of law is different in a prison. Ouch. Well, Alan doesn't like that line either. He barks that Ellenor herself knows her client has no defense. All the while, Ray is standing there quietly, almost too quietly. The two lawyers start to bicker. The judge won't strike down the man's defense. Alan snarks, "Why not just instruct the jury to acquit him!" Which is, of course, the wrong thing to say, because Mantz tells Alan that McMurphy manages to conduct himself with more professionalism, and show the court more respect, than Hunky D.A. is capable of. Then Mantz decides to "bring down the jury and proceed to closing arguments." With that, Alan storms out of the courtroom. He's a poor loser, and do you know what, we love him for it.
Blah closing arguments blah. Hunky D.A.: Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's guilty, yeah. The cell. The shank. The blood. The stabbing. The death. The evidence. Necessity defense is necessary. The end.
Blah closing remarks blah. Ray: This is one of the best days in my life. Blah no one listens to me in my life. He's made stupid mistakes. He's paid for them. "Being in prison is the worst thing in the world." Blah men are animals blah. Blah no choice blah. Blah necessity blah.
Advantage: McMurphy.
The Firm Where Bobby Whines About His Unmanageable Pain. Rebecca brings some research to her boss. Can you feel it? A Rebecca Lecture coming on? Of course, we can't have an episode or two without A Rebecca Lecture. Blah Lindsay is worried, blah they're all worried; blah what can we do to help blah. Rod: "Thanks for the cases." Oh no, she doesn't get the hint; she continues, "Bobby. You attacked a man. Threw him out of the office. You're always there to help everybody in The Firm." Pause. "But for you, Bobby. You're selfish." Oh, damn, there's that Coke again. My poor nose is getting a workout. What comedy this is. Bobby, selfless when it comes to his friends and family! Ha! How funny! All they want to do is help. Oddly enough, Rod ignores Rebecca and gets to work.
Client Room Where Ray Pontificates On His Pain. Ellenor walks in and sees that Ray is now wearing the suit Lucy brought for him. Well, Ray imagines that since there's nothing left but the verdict, he should at least look nice toward the end. He's sitting up on the counter, toward the side of the room. He seems very calm. They've brushed his hair all back, so it looks shorter. Ellenor: "What did you do to your hair?" Ray: "I gave myself a little trim. Figured if I wanted to look good, I should look good." Where did he get the scissors? Yeah, well, he took those from the judge's chambers. The music twinkle-twinkles as Ellenor says, "You seem depressed. What's going on?" For the eight-hundredth time, he wasn't kidding when he said he couldn't go back to prison. Apparently, Bowman was really popular. He'll definitely be killed when he gets back to prison. That's why he wanted the trial to move forward so quickly. Except don't court dates take forever to arrive? Isn't it possible that Ray could have been waiting for up to a year before his actual trial? Wouldn't that give his enemies ample time to stick him for killing Bowman? Any. Way. Ellenor thinks she might be able to get him into protective custody. But he's still got the remaining sentence on the robbery. She looks around the room. Asks, "Where's the guard." She pulls up the blind, and then looks around the room for a second. Then she says, "Oh! My! God! Ray!" As she notices the body stuffed under the table. Uhhh huh. There's never been a guard anywhere but outside a client room before. In ANY of the episodes I've seen of The Practice. Ellenor rushes over to the guard as Ray pulls the blinds back. Damn. That guard is really, really dead. Ray stuffed the scissors right into the man's chest. Okay. He must have gone to the bathroom to cut his hair in the first place. That means he would have changed by then. And the blood from this gruesome murder would have ended up somewhere on his face, on his hands, on his freaking clothes. Goodness gracious, this is a silly, silly show. Ray says, "Judge Mantz really should be more careful with his scissors." Blah. Ray's got the guard's gun. Ellenor says, "You will never get out of here." Blah court security, blah faces the entrances, blah don't check as they're leaving, blah he's well-dressed.
Ray leads Ellenor down the hallway. They wait for the elevator. Some cops pass them by. They get in the elevator. Of course, NO ONE ELSE needs to get on or off the freaking thing. He leads Ellenor outside toward a waiting cab. On his way toward the cab, he says, "Oh, it's been a long time. Thanks for walking me out, Ellenor. Not that you had a choice." He wants her to ask the jury what they thought of his closing. He wants suggestions for time. Ellenor watches him get into the cab, then sort of half-walks, half-runs back to the courthouse.
Cut to Mantz, whisper-shocked: "What?" Then he goes ahead and takes the verdict, and the foreman finds McMurphy not guilty on all counts. Damn. A defendant acting as his own counsel defeated Alan. Mantz slams his gavel and finishes the trial.
The Palace Of Rod. Lindsay is folding baby blankets. ["Oh yeah, they have a baby." -- Sars] The two of them are listening to the fake news talk about Ray's fantastical escape from prison life. Yeah, like that's going to last. A haircut and a fancy suit will only get you so far. Unless you're The Fugitive, and I don't think any network has plans to resurrect that one for third time around. Lindsay tries to be supportive. She'll help Bobby draft his lawsuit against the state. He mumbles that there isn't going to be any lawsuit. She starts rubbing his arm like he's a cat. Somehow, the television has been turned off. Bobby: "I don't know if I can do this anymore." Oh, here come the emotions. Blah going to die, blah never see our son, blah never see Lindsay again, blah can't stop being a lawyer, blah he's scared, blah helpless, blah he doesn't know what to do. Lindsay says, "I do." And then she cuddles. That's right. She dives into his arms. Because a good cuddle will end all of his troubles. What freaking ever.
week: Helen re-creates some early memories of her television career. She and Bobby get involved with the F.B.I. Do you think that Kyle McLachlan might make a guest appearance? Naw, that's too much to hope for.