Suffering County Holding Area. Jimmy "The Lump" Berluti and Lindsay "Married to the Rod" Dole are sitting at the table. Their client, Miguel, is standing in front of them, screaming, "How can this be happening!" Jimmy slaps his hand in a faux karate-chop motion on the table as he explains that the victim's wife has identified him and that the D.A. is going to listen to her. He goes on to explain that when an alibi is provided by a fiancée, the D.A. tends not to believe her story. Miguel's fiancée looks over at her beloved. There are tears in her eyes. Yawn. Lindsay pipes up, "We need to talk about the plea deal." Miguel starts screaming in Spanish. His fiancée asks him to calm down. Miguel: "You believe I'm innocent?" Jimmy rolls out the patented "it's not important what we believe" bullcrap. Miguel blah important to me blah. Lindsay insists that they believe him. This seems to calm Miguel down, and he asks quietly, "The deal the D.A. offered, it's eleven years, right?" Christina refuses to let him even think about accepting the deal. Lindsay: "Miguel. I think we can win this. I really do. Are you still with me?" Does DEK ever get tired of using the same dialogue week after week after week? Okay. Yes. He's ready to fight. The Practice has become a breeding ground for guest stars from Band of Brothers. First Hunky D.A. shows up on the roster, and now the young actor who is playing Miguel also played Antonio Garcia in the HBO miniseries. Thanks to detour for pointing that out in the forums. I never would have noticed.
Helen's Office Of Spousal/Parental/Prosecution Witness Pain. Emily, the wife of the victim, stands up and whines, "What do you mean you can't win?" Helen stands up too. She insists that she didn't say they wouldn't win, but that a guilty verdict would be difficult in this case. Emily insists that she was there and that she knows who and what she saw that night. Helen explains that eyewitness testimony "isn't a lock," especially when it's the only factor in a case. "What are you suggesting?" Helen wants to throw the defense another bone: Lindsay et al. turned down eleven years; she'd like to go back with eight. The wife is totally offended. Blah dee blah eight years, blah dee blah murder, blah dee blah my husband's life, blah dee blah worth more blah. Helen: "Emily. It's not about measuring your husband's life. It's about ensuring that the man who shot him goes to prison." Emily wants him in prison forever. Because forever is a reasonable request. Blah. Helen says, "Okay. I said I'd let it be your call." They are going to F-I-G-H-T. Go team!
Ah. The credits. Why do they even bother dropping the darling Ron Livingston in them anyway? He's barely a guest star on his own damn show. Another episode without him makes my life as a recapper very bleak. I'm trying not to cry. Sniffle. Snort. Sniffle.
Jailhouse. Ellenor is in a holding cell with Maynard, her client of the week. He looks like a cross between Donnie Wahlberg and a dark-haired Matt Damon. Maynard is wearing prison greys. Ellenor yells, "You promised me you'd stop shoplifting!" He answers, "I didn't boost nothing! I'm innocent this time." Ellenor insists that he was picked up with the stereo in his coat. Apparently, this was a present for his mother's birthday. Oh, okay, stealing for someone else makes all the difference. Dude, you need some schooling in logic. "How can it be stealing if it's for someone else?" Come on, he gave it back. Man. What is he looking at? Ellenor explains that they're charging him under the Common and Notorious Thief Statute. "Is that bad?" It's very bad. It gets even worse because the music decides to be notorious too -- notoriously annoying. Ellenor explains that the penalties go "way up." Ellenor wants to try to plead the case out with the D.A.. They have a good relationship, and maybe Ellenor can get him six months. Maynard is stunned as he repeats, "Six months?" The lawyer insists that if they lose at trial, he could get twenty years, and she doesn't know how they can win. With his head in his hands, Maynard shakes his head. After a long, long pause, he looks up at Ellenor and agrees with the strategy to plead this one out if they can.
Suffering County Courthouse. A detective who is not Mike is on the stand. He's holding a pointer. A picture from a surveillance camera that has been blown up and pasted to cardboard sits beside the DNM. He holds the pointer and explains, "This is an hour before the murder. The store is a block away." Blah the suspect was described as a male, Hispanic, in his twenties blah. Apparently, the cops used credit card receipts to track the suspect down. Huh? So he used his credit card at the crime scene? If so, he deserves to go to jail for being a dumb-ass. Any. Way. Helen asks the detective if the suspect is in the room. Blah identify Miguel blah. "Then what happened?" Well, they interviewed Miguel, weren't convinced his alibi would hold up, and had him stand in a line-up for Mrs. Coyne. Then they arrested Miguel for the murder of Trevor Coyne.
Cut to Jimmy stating that the line-up was a full two months after the incident. Make a note of this, people; it's relevant when we put DEK on trial for his never-ending crimes against continuity. "And before the line-up you told Mrs. Coyne you had a suspect, is that right, Detective?" Correct again. Jimmy thinks it's likely that Mrs. Coyne had an indication that they had the "right" man in custody. Helen objects. The judge sustains. Jimmy tosses some study about the manipulation of witness identification into the mix. The detective is aware of the study. Ah, welcome to the theme of the week: eyewitness testimony. What have we learned thus far: that it's unreliable, that there are various studies proving it, and that it makes The Firm's case that much easier to win. Jimmy blathers on about some law school study where sixty-five of seventy-seven wrongful convictions overturned in the last decade resulted from eyewitness mistakes. Helen objects again. Blah Jimmy is testifying blah. Again, the judge sustains the objection. Jimmy takes it all in stride and carries on with his cross-examination. Blah no physical evidence, blah no murder weapon, no fingerprints, no DNA, nothing blah. The detective answers this "question" by saying no, they do not have any of those things. The Lump makes the "V-for-victory" sign and sits back down.
Outside the courtroom, Lindsay and Jimmy confer. The Lump doesn't think the cop hurt their case too badly. Lindsay insists that it's the eyewitness (in case anyone hadn't guessed the theme-with-a-capital-T of this episode yet) who might give the defense some problems. A minister walks up behind the two defense attorneys and grabs their attention. He explains that he's a court buff and wants to know if they'll win their case. Lindsay says, "I'm sorry. You are?" He answers, "Michael Crane. I'm a minister with the First Presbyterian Church in Jamaica Plain." Apparently, Rev. Crane loves monitoring big cases, especially homicides. Sheesh. I guess ministering his flock leaves him with a lot of spare time to sit around courtrooms watching lawyers. Not to mention the fact that no one has seen him around before. So, sure, he's a court buff, and I'm the Number One Fan of The Practice. Yawn. Finally, he gets down to it: Do they think they'll get an acquittal? Lindsay smirks in that "someone has just asked me an uncomfortable question" way, and then she says, "We don't generally discuss our cases with anyone." Of course, the Rev stutters, and then he wishes them good luck before walks away.
Suffering County Courthouse. Ellenor is walking down the hallway with Scott Cohen. Ah, it's so nice to have a hint of a good show waft its way into the hallow halls of this sound stage. Scott Cohen is such a good guest star. He kicks ass on Gilmore Girls and he was amazing as Denby on NYPD Blue. He might look better with less Brylcreme in his hair, though. Any. Way. He's not budging with respect to Maynard. "Come on, Ellenor, collared three times in six months, my heart's not exactly bleeding." They were minor shoplifting "beefs." That's exactly what Ellenor says -- "beefs." Just roll with it -- the trick on this show is to talk so fast that the audience catches only the drift and not the details. That way, we never realize how utterly ridiculous the conversations are. Blah pressure from upstairs, blah make an example, blah don't make it with Maynard blah. Ellenor: "His biggest crime is being stupid. He's a sweet kid." Yes. Scott knows. They're all sweet kids. "Come on!" Ellenor cajoles him. "Our relationship has to count for something?" Scott tells her to come by his office and they'll try to work something out. See? Ellenor calls him sweet. Scott blushes. Ah, isn't that cute, not.
Suffering County Courthouse. Emily "The Eyewitness" Coyne is on the stand, explaining what happened the night her husband was murdered. The couple had finished dinner and they were walking to their car. A man ran across the street. Emily noticed he had a gun. Then he asked for their wallets and their jewelry. Helen: "What happened , Mrs. Coyne?" Emily: "Trevor took a step in front of me." Pause. The music starts up as the camera inches closer and closer to Emily's face. "He didn't even realize he'd done it." Helen: "Then what happened?" Well, she heard a shot; then she saw fire shoot out of the gun, and she was covered with blood. She heard her husband scream. "What did your attacker do?" Emily responds by stating that he stood there "like he was frozen" for a few seconds. Then he ran off. Helen wants to know if Emily got a good look at her attacker's face. Yes. He was only ten feet away. Is he in the courtroom? Emily points to Miguel and says, "That's him. The defendant." Are you positive? Yes. "That's the man." Knowing glances from the judge to the defendant. Pow! Pow! Powerful.
The music winds down in time for Lindsay to cross-examine the witness. She gets up and says, "It was dark." Mrs. Coyne doesn't want for Lindsay to ask a further question, saying bluntly, "There were street lamps." How far away was the nearest street lamp? Thirty feet. Lindsay: "The police say fifty feet." Emily counters by stating, "There was enough light for me to see, Ms. Dole." Did she see the gun? Yes, very clearly. It was a small silver pistol with a black handle. What was he wearing? Blah dee blah dark jacket, blah dee blah jeans blah. More specific questions about the night, blah Lindsay make a point please blah. Right. Was she scared? Emily doesn't answer that question; she's doing her own cross-examination. "It was that man." Are you sure? Blah. She doesn't need to think about it. "That's him." Lindsay is confused. In the police line-up, she needed to think about the identification for almost a minute. How come Emily is so sure today? Mrs. Coyne explains that she wanted to be positive. Lindsay breaks it down for Mrs. Coyne. She runs through the whole "eyewitnesses are notoriously unreliable" crap again. There is a difference between Miguel being the shooter and Miguel simply being the man Emily identified that day in the line-up. Lindsay wants to know if it's possible that Emily is so sure because she saw Miguel at the cop shop, and not because he shot her husband. "No." Not what Lindsay was looking for, because she asks again: "Not even possible?" No. Lindsay tries everything, blah did the D.A. tell you to be unequivocal blah. No. You've got to hand it to Emily Coyne; she totally holds it together on the stand. Lindsay clings to an incongruent fact: Emily forgot the shooter had a goatee. Because all bad guys have facial hair on this show. Come on -- Emily could remember the clothes, the gun, but not the hair on the kid's face? For the hundredth time, in case we didn't get it the first ninety-nine times, Lindsay regurgitates the whole "it could be possible you're wrong" thing, but Mrs. Coyne says it's not possible. Then Lindsay faces the jury and says, "Thank you. You certainly weren't equivocal here." Huh? Blah show for the jury blah. As Lindsay walks back to her table, she notices Rev. Crane in the back of the courtroom, watching the proceedings. The Drama Of The Deity plays out as we pause for a second on the judge before heading out of this scene.
Mitchell Wheeler's Office. Ellenor is trying to convince hottie Scott Cohen, or "Mitchell Wheeler," that he should cut a deal for Maynard. First, Ellenor plays the "we've been friends forever" card. , she plays the "school of hard knocks" card. Finally, she plays the "give the kid a break" card. Mitchell turns around with a file in his hand to face Ellenor and says, "And what do I tell my superiors?" Pause. Ellenor takes a deep breath and responds, "That you did the right thing!" She continues to try to get a good deal for Maynard; blah if he gets caught again, blah she'll throw the book at him too blah. Mitchell: "Ellenor. He saying he didn't realize the stereo was under his jacket. He's a liar." He forces Ellenor to "go the favour bank" on this case. Which is different from all the other cases in what way? Ellenor: "I will give you anything." Mitchell perks up and smirks: "Anything?" They are both smiling. Not like the "Jimmy Fallon bursting out into laughter in the middle of every single skit" kind of smile, but smiling nonetheless. Ellenor: "Why do you say it like that, come on, what do you want." Mitchell swivels in his chair for a minute and says suggestively, "Take off your shirt." He's cheeky, this guest star. Ellenor says, "Very funny. Come on." Well, it turns out that Mitchell can't help Ellenor, even though he wishes he could. She turns dour for a moment, puts her hand on her hip, and says, "Were you serious just now, when you asked me to take off my shirt?" Mitchell steps around his desk while talking, blah they go way back, blah but that doesn't mean that she knows everything about him blah. Ellenor takes the bait: "Such as?" Well, he's attracted to Ellenor. She responds by reminding him that he's married. He laughs -- well, guffaws really -- in response: "I know. I would never cheat on Margie." His, ahem, heart belongs to her, but his other organ, well, that's completely up for grabs, apparently. Mitchell sits back down. He explains that he can't really help Maynard, but, um, if something were to happen with Ellenor, well, then Mitchell would try to be especially, ahem, um, fair. Insert innuendo here. Even when Scott Cohen is being really slimy, he's still extremely cute. It's that sort of slinky smile that gets you. Ellenor lays it out in plain English: "So if I have sex with you, you'll cut a deal." Mitchell giggles. He's shocked that she would get that impression, however accurate it might be. Ellenor stands there looking stunned. Aw, come on, Ellenor -- he's so cute. I know, I know, officer of the court, improper sexual advance, blah. But dude, he almost married Lorelai Gilmore -- that's some prime television bootie. Blah improper advance blah.
The Firm. Ellenor is standing behind her desk. Emperor Rod, Eugene, and Rebecca are all standing in a semi-circle around her. Lucy is fiddling about with some books, pretending to be working. Rod: "He offered it like that?" I guess Ellenor told them what Mitchell propositioned. She explains how he said he'd be especially fair, and Eugene cuts in, "If you had sex." Lucy quips, "How was it?" No one looks amused, least of all me. Yawn. The phone rings. Ellenor: "What should I do?" Rod states defiantly that she can't take the deal. Ellenor snaps, "Thank you. Besides that sterling tip." Rebecca chimes in that she had a case with Mitchell once, and that he didn't ask her for sex. Heh. Maybe Rebecca's not his type. Rod: "How did you leave it?" Ellenor explains that she was so stunned that she just walked out of his office and didn't say anything. Eugene advises she make sure Mitchell understands that she didn't accept the offer. Immediately, Ellenor looks over to Lucy and asks her to call Mitchell. She doesn't have to -- he was just on the phone, and he's on his way over to The Firm.
Suffering County Courthouse. Christina, Miguel's fiancée, is on the stand. She's providing an alibi. Blah they rented Big, blah they took the bus back to her house; blah they were there all night blah. Was Miguel always there? Yes, the whole time, she swears. Good job, Jimmy.
Helen asks, "You're engaged to the defendant?" That's correct. "And you love him very much." Yes. Blah we all know where's she's going with this blah. Would you lie to protect him? No. Apparently, Christina called her cousin the night of the murder to see if she wanted to have dinner together, because her fiancé was not going to be home. Only Miguel came home unexpectedly. The disbelief drips from Helen's voice as she asks, "Did anyone else besides you see him at your apartment that evening between the hours of eight and eleven?" Okay. Christina just said that they went together and rented a video. Wouldn't the cops or even the defense have checked this story out? Someone would have seen or not seen Miguel at the video store. Someone would have seen or not seen Miguel on the bus as they were going back to their apartment, right? This is silly. Any. Way. Helen continues with her cross, because this other crap that DEK has made up is so much more interesting than creating a story with realistic plot developments. Yawn. Blah the police showed up on the night in question, Miguel hid the in the closet blah. Okay, again, did Jimmy not bring up the fact that it was two months before they actually brought Miguel in for a line-up? So, the cops figured it was Miguel right away, but waited for two months to hold a line-up for Mrs. Coyne? Damn. It drives me nuts when the continuity is off from one testimony to the other. Does DEK not make enough money that he can hire a freaking proofreader? One who can read through a script and say, "Hey! This makes no sense, we'd better change it." Honestly. Any. Way. The Melody Of Hidden Agendas tweaks away in the background as Christina explains that Miguel thought it was other people coming to get him for a different reason. She thought it would look bad if the cops knew he was hiding in the closet, so she told them no one else was at home. Helen: "So. You lied." Yes. She shouldn't have, but she did. Helen: "But you're not lying today?" Correct again. It's not looking good for Miguel. Christina was less than unequivocal her own damn self.
Suffering County Client Room. Lindsay sits down beside Jimmy, who faces the young couple. Lindsay explains that she thinks they're going to need to call Miguel to the stand. He thought that was dangerous. Lindsay: "Christina, you didn't come off so credibly then. And we have to account for why you jumped in the closet." He was hiding from dealers. Lindsay understands: "But to the jury right now, it just looks like you were hiding." They need to call him. The couple exchanges furtive glances. It looks like Miguel doesn't want to take the stand.
Outside the client room, Lindsay and Jimmy discuss the case. The Lump thinks that they should take the eleven years. Take out your rubber mallet and get ready -- yes, it is time to bang it repeatedly into your head, because we visit The Theme for the sixteenth time this episode as Lindsay responds, "It's still one eyewitness, Jimmy." Blah she held tough blah. When the jury hears about Miguel's priors, it's even further downhill from there. Lindsay: "Do you think it's too risky calling him?" Without answering her question, Jimmy glances over at Reverend Crane, who is sitting on a bench making notes. The Lump postulates, "Does he strike you as a court buff?" The light bulb goes off. The pair walks toward the unsuspecting minister. He smiles and stands up to greet them. Jimmy asks if he's still enjoying the trial. Rev. Crane says yes. Lindsay asks his objective opinion about how their case is going. Rev. Crane responds, "Not so well, really. The fiancée seemed like she was protecting him." Lindsay says, "You might be right. Can I ask you one more question? Why do I get the feeling you're not a disinterested bystander?" Rev. Crane says he's not disinterested. Oh, right. He's a "buff." Jimmy cuts to the chase: "What do you know, Reverend?" Lindsay thinks he looked a little anxious in the courtroom, like he has a "stake" in the proceedings. Boy, these two are a couple of Angela Lansburys. Yawn. The Reverend shrugs his shoulders. He honestly doesn't know anything. Jimmy tells the poor man that if their case gets any worse, he's going to subpoena him anyway, just for the hell of it. Lindsay: "You're here because you know something. You need to talk to us, Reverend." Okay. I just stopped my tape so that I could make a sandwich. Honest. And Big was playing on Bravo. How strange is that? Any. Way. The Reverend repeats that he doesn't know anything and tries to walk away, only Jimmy grabs his arm so he can't move. "Please let go of me, Mr. Berluti." Jimmy threatens the poor man again with a subpoena. The Reverend caves: "Suppose what I know doesn't help you." Jimmy says they're willing to take that risk. Rev. Crane says, "Not here." The lawyer offers up a client room, but the Reverend doesn't want to meet with them anywhere in the building. The Lump turns to Lindsay and says, "Buy us some time."
The Firm. Ellenor leads Mitchell into the conference room. He apologizes for his "inappropriate behaviour." Apparently, he's going through some personal problems at home and, well, he didn't think before he spoke. Mitchell: "Obviously any deal predicated on a sexual relationship is wrong and hereby off the table." He's mad at himself that he even threw it out there. Ellenor wants to start all over again. She launches into her Maynard The Good speech. Mitchell's not buying it. He's got his orders from upstairs and can't cut a good deal. The statute has his hands tied. He could maybe sell ten years to his boss, but that's as low as it's going to go for poor Maynard. Ellenor thinks that ten years is excessive. Mitchell doesn't know what else to tell his "old friend." The Sexual Tension Sonata rallies. Ellenor starts quoting her instincts. She believes the offer wasn't pulled because of his conscience, but rather because she wouldn't go for his, ahem, deal. Mitchell insists that she's wrong. But his voice sounds kind of funny. And the music is still going, so you know Ellenor is onto something. Ellie: "I want the six months." He's sorry, but any favourable deal would be met with suspicion at this point and he's "just going to play this," ahem, "straight." I'm sure no innuendo was intended. Heh. Any. Way. Ellenor responds, "Straight or punitive?" Ten years is the deal. And suppose sex weren't off the table. Mitchell: "I'll say it again. Ten years is it."
Meanwhile, as Ellenor tries to shake down the D.A., Jimmy and Lindsay have a go at the poor Reverend in Bobby's office. Rev. Crane won't talk unless what he has to say falls under privilege. Jimmy can't promise anything, and he insists that conscience is what brought the Reverend to the courthouse and conscience is why he's talking to the lawyers right now. Again, the Reverend insists that the discussion must be privileged. Lindsay agrees to this. Crane says, "Now, speaking to my attorneys, my problem is one of my congregants killed Mr. Coyne." The Defense Of The Damned Waltz squeaks its way into the scene. Jimmy looks at Lindsay. Lindsay looks at Jimmy. They are both so shocked! Yawn. Blah conversation, blah minister, blah admitted his crime, blah compounded guilt, blah innocent man, blah wrongly convicted. Apparently, Rev. Crane has been monitoring the trial on his congregant's behalf, and if it appears that Miguel is losing, the real killer might come forward. Rev. Crane: "And that's all I'm at liberty to say." Jimmy tells the minister to let his congregant know that Miguel is facing a conviction -- and that his confession could save this man's life. Yawn.
The Firm. Eugene is pacing. He tells Ellenor she has to go to the judge. "And say what?" she asks. Rod is there too. His hands are surfing the air like it is a California wave. Emperor Rod says, "Your suspicion is that he's taking a harder line." Yes. Mitchell is taking a harder line, but she doesn't know if he's being punitive or if he's simply embarrassed. Eugene: "Either way the client suffers. The guy comes on to you, you rebuff the advance, and as a result, the client's getting a lesser deal." Eugene pauses for effect: "You have to report that to the judge." Blah Mitchell is her friend, blah known each other for years blah. Rod: "Friends don't put friends in that position." Thank you, o Holy Rod Of The Land Of Ethical Platitudes. How many times has he used his relationship with Helen to get a better deal for their clients? Yeah. Exactly. Oh, Ellenor's also friends with Mitchell's wife, and if she comes forward, people are going to be hurt. Eugene: "Ellenor. As an officer of the court you have an ethical obligation to report him." She doesn't want to be lectured by Eugene. He doesn't let her off so easily: "You have knowledge of a D.A. putting sex on the table in plea bargains." Blah repeat offender blah. Ellie doubts that Mitchell will do it again, and even if he does do it again, she wants someone else to carry the burden of responsibility and report him. Come on -- they are friends. Bobby: "Ellenor." Full stop. "If the client is getting hurt. You can't sit on it."
Suffering County Courthouse. An expectant Lindsay and Jimmy are waiting to hear from the Reverend. He comes in, breathless, and announces that his mystery man isn't going to come forward. The dude doesn't want to go to jail. Ah, it's so hard to do the right thing. Lindsay: "Assuming we can clear hearsay problems, would you be willing to testify?" Reverend Crane: "Absolutely not." Blah confession, blah Miguel's going down, blah hands are tied blah. Crane won't dishonour his oath. Ha. Oddly, Jimmy doesn't have the same problem, because he hands the minister a subpoena. This episode is just so shoddy. Funny how Law & Order had a whole storyline this week about a Catholic priest protecting a guilty man. Maybe DEK read a spoiler, decided to one-up his competitor, and pulled together this ridiculous episode. Blah betray the confidence, blah lose his job, blah he could lose his church, blah dee blah blah. Jimmy insists that he doesn't feel good about what he's doing, but he's got to go to the mat for the client. Jimmy: "You have information that could exonerate my client of murder. We have no choice here." Sure you have a choice, Jimmy -- do some investigating, try to find the congregant on your own, talk to some people at the church, and don't just assume the Reverend is telling the damn truth.
Suffering County Holding Cell. Maynard is freaking out. He's bouncing all over the place like a pinball on speed. Damn. He can't believe he could get ten years for boosting a stereo for his mother. You know, something tells me she'd have been just as happy to get a card. Maynard continues to freak out like his life is over. And it kind of is if Mitchell continues his not-so-honourable quest for justice. Poor Maynard; he screws up his face like he's about to burst into tears and screams, "Ellenor!" He bounces a bit more like Tigger and then asks, "What's going on?" She responds, "Just let me work on it." For a second there, I thought she said, "Just let me work it." Which might have been the appropriate response, judging from Mitchell's lecherous intentions.
Chambers. Lindsay and Jimmy want to force the Reverend to testify. Of course, Helen insists that his testimony would be hearsay. Jimmy tries to argue all kinds of avenues: blah the conversation wasn't privileged, blah not a Catholic priest, blah knowing the identity of a shooter isn't hearsay blah. The judge insists that they treat all conversations between parishioners and clergy the same. Jimmy: "If it's for spiritual guidance. I don't think this qualifies." Lindsay jumps in: "Look, nobody here wants the wrong man convicted of murder." She wants the court to question Rev. Crane outside the presence of the jury to see what comes up. "Nobody can have a problem with that." Yeah, except Reverend Crane himself, I'm sure.
Ah, Maynard's Trial. Ellenor confronts Mitchell again. He says, "Are you trying to extort me, Ellenor?" She responds, "I'm telling you I have an obligation to reveal what happened." Mitchell hisses, "Nothing happened." Except that he put a sexual act on the table in exchange for a good deal. That's something, and that's what Ellenor argues. Mitchell continues to berate Ellenor: blah he's offended, blah blackmail, and blah duress blah. While the pair is still arguing, Judge Kittleson's clerk calls the case to order. The judge sits on the bench and says, "Any business before we bring in the jury?" A sentence I have never heard her say in any trial before today. Mitchell tells the judge that the Commonwealth is ready to proceed. Judge Beautiful turns her attention to Ellenor and asks if the defense is ready to start trial. Ellenor hesitates. The judge asks again. Pause. Pause. Ellenor looks over to Mitchell. Looks like she's made up her mind. She walks toward the judge and says, "Your Honour, regretfully, I have to report some misconduct committed by Mr. Wheeler." She continues to explain that Wheeler's actions have negatively affected the outcome of the case. Kittleson's eyebrows jump almost to her hairline as Ellenor explains that Mitchell sexually propositioned her. Blah good deal, blah sex removed, blah bad deal. Kittleson asks if Wheeler has a response, and then he takes a walk down Turncoat Alley. The judge asks if sex was put on the table. Oh, and let's not forget that we're discussing this in OPEN COURT. Not only in front of the defendant but also in front of the hundreds of people always sitting in the gallery. Mitchell says that it was Ellenor that offered up sex in return for a good deal. Finally, after Ellenor whisper-screams, "You've got to be kidding," Kittleson says, "Why don't we take this to chambers." Now there's a piece of freaking logic for once.
Chambers. The door slams and Ellenor screams, "He's lying." Mitchell tries to deny it, and they start bickering. Then he tells her he's going to sue for defamation of character. Ellenor: "Go ahead and sue me, Mitchell!" Kittleson takes the high road, saying, "I'm not about to get into this." Mitchell counters by slinging a little mud toward Ellenor's side of the room: "You should get into this. This is one stunt too many for this firm!" The judge doesn't take kindly to Wheeler running off at the mouth, and tells him to shut the hell up. Then Judge Beautiful makes her decision; she pulls Wheeler off the case and tells both of them to let the whole mess die. Ellenor doesn't want to let the matter die; she's pissed. The judge throws Mitchell out of chambers. He leaves, but he's pissed too.
Once he's gone, Ellenor insists that she's telling the truth, and the judge says she's inclined to believe her. Again, Kittleson advises the lawyer to let the matter drop. Again, Ellenor protests. This time, Kittleson gives an explanation -- Wheeler's reputation is "far superior" to Ellenor's. The judge continues, "Truth be told, there's been a little gossip in this halls about your romantic desperation." Ellenor's face drops almost to the floor. Her mouth is wide open. "You dated a serial killer who liked to dress up as a nun. You don't think the clerks and district attorneys had some fun with that?" Ellenor asks if a few judges had some fun as well. Kittleson ignores this to continue her lecture: blah firm famous for stunts, blah client, and blah facing ten years blah. Ellenor: "And you think I'd resort to making up this kind of story!" I'd add a few more exclamation marks, but it would look more like a comic book than a recap -- put them there in your mind, okay? Kittleson says that Mitchell's credibility is stronger than Ellenor's, and if they play he-said she-said, Mitchell is certain to come out on top. Damn. Oh, and then Kittleson decides to humiliate Ellenor just that little bit more when she says, "He's also a good-looking man." Ellenor: "Meaning?" Oh, don't forget, The Sexual Symphony serenades Ellenor through her indignation. Kittleson: "Meaning let it drop and don't do any more cases with him." Ellie grabs her briefcase and leaves the office.
Suffering County Courthouse. Rev. Crane is on the stand. The gallery has been cleared, and so has the jury box. Right now, the only people in the courtroom are the judge, the witness, the defendant, and the defense attorneys. Oh, and the court reporters too. The judge orders Rev. Crane to testify. He refuses. Blah higher power blah. The judge responds by saying that the Lord can't throw him in a jail cell. Heh. Lindsay starts asking questions: "Leaving aside identity. Did a man come to you and confess to killing Trevor Coyne?" Again, the Reverend refuses to say anything. He throws a mini-temper tantrum about his own damn privilege. The judge again steps in: "Obviously you've agonized over what the right thing is to do here." Blah don't tell me who, blah answer the question, blah confession blah. After a poignant silence underlined by the Reverend's own musical interlude, he says, "Yes. I received such a confession." Did the confessor give any details? Now, the minister refuses to give any more details. And he leaves the courtroom. Lindsay wants to put him on the stand. The judge refuses. Blah hearsay blah, blah totem pole privilege, blah no right to reveal what they told him blah. The judge won't allow him to take the stand. Good. Because no one has made any effort to check out the minister's story. They're all just taking him on his word. Jimmy jumps up and shouts, "Your Honour, somebody else confessed to the crime and the jury doesn't get to know about it!" That's correct, and then the judge smacks Jimmy down by reminding him about the whole boy/aneurysm/privilege issue from a couple of episodes ago. The defense is noticeably upset at the judge's decision. Oh, please -- did they honestly expect him to go for it?
Suffering County Courthouse. Ellenor and Helen are walking down the hall. Ellenor says she's telling the truth. Helen says the whole episode just doesn't sound like Mitchell Wheeler. When Ellenor starts whining, Helen tells her twice that she believes her; then she says she'll get hold of the case and make a fair deal. She can't promise six months, but she'll do what she can. Ellenor says okay, and Helen leaves. As Ellenor walks down the hall, the elevator dings, and out comes Mitchell, the man of the hour, a man whom we've never seen or heard of before this episode, but one that Ellenor just can't stop running into. Yawn. He tries to walk by, but Ellenor has to have the last freaking word. "You know, Mitchell," she says, "the first thing you did was unethical, but accusing me, that was despicable." And just when you think things can't get any worse, Mitchell takes an even bigger step toward Asshole Of The Year: "Ellenor. You really need to get some help." With the ease of a garter snake on a hot summer day, he slithers away. Again, Ellenor stands there with her mouth wide open. She just can't catch a break.
Miguel's Trial. Jimmy has Miguel up on the stand, explaining why he hid in the closet. He honestly thought there were drug dealers at Christina's door. Apparently, he owes some money because he uses from time to time. And dude doesn't have enough cash to pay for his infrequent drug use? Please. But this is the story they are going with. Blah the night of the murder, blah I was home, blah movie, blah I was home. Jimmy: "Do you own a gun?" No. He's never even fired a gun before.
It's Helen's turn: "You don't just use from time to time, you have a drug problem?" It's under control. "But you use." Very rarely. Helen says, "You robbed a liquor store once, isn't that right?" Miguel explains that that was six years ago and he didn't use a gun. Did he lose his job three weeks prior to the shooting? Yes. Can anyone account for his alibi other than Christina? No. Except, again, the video store clerk, someone in the elevator on the way up to his apartment, the neighbour who might have heard the movie, and so on and so forth. Yawn.
Helen's Office. Emily Coyne is sitting with Helen, who is talking about the whole minister/congregant situation. The D.A. insists that the reverend has no real reason to lie. Emily replies, "Are you now doubting me?" Helen: "I'm asking you: Are you sure?" Blah eyewitness, blah affected by trauma, blah unsure blah. Emily insists that she remembers her attacker's face. They run through the whole "eyewitness testimony is shaky" rigmarole for the three thousandth time this episode. Emily says, "He's it. He's the one."
Miguel's Trial. We cut directly to Lindsay's closing statements, where she of course denies that Miguel committed the crime. Blah facial hair, blah no physical evidence, blah no forensics, blah somebody else killed Trevor Coyne blah. Helen's closing statement rests entirely on the fact that Emily knows it was Miguel. Blah circumstantial evidence, blah shady past blah. Helen's eye make-up in this scene looks like it was applied three weeks ago -- it's that smudged. I am amazed she can even keep her eyes open, there is so much crap caked on the poor things. Does Tammy Faye run a school for this sort of thing? It makes LFB look about ten years older than she actually is -- I mean, I'm sure her "party girl" lifestyle will catch up with her at some point, but come on, do they have to accelerate the trashy-actress-on-the-outs look with her make-up? So, yeah, blah eyewitness, blah saw the whole thing, blah it's all you need.
The Firm. Ellenor is working on a laptop in the conference room. Rebecca The Martyr comes in, exclaiming, "So, it's all going to work out." Her co-worker explains that Helen now has custody of the case and they'll work out a better deal. Rebecca: "So that's great?" Ellenor responds by saying, "Yup." Only Ellenor isn't thrilled, because she lost a good friend this week. Yeah, and she didn't get any, either. Rebecca: "Is that all there is?" Ellenor doesn't like not being believed. Rebecca thought Kittleson was inclined to believe Ellenor's story. That's not enough, to be "inclined" -- Ellenor thinks that because she's "the fat girl" and Mitchell Wheeler is a good-looking man, no one flat-out believes what happened. Rebecca tries to placate her friend, "Oh, it isn't that, Ellenor!" Except it's that exactly. Ellenor: "Why would a man like Mitchell Wheeler make a pass at me? It's exactly that." Blah Kittleson, blah romantic desperation, blah gossip, blah baby, sperm donor blah had no choice. Ellenor says, "It couldn't possibly be because I wanted to be a single parent." Rebecca responds, "Well, before you spend the rest of your day feeling sorry for yourself, remember you did get a good result for the client." Only Ellenor's not placated; she insists that Rebecca's attitude is another bigotry that she faces, that "fat girls" just sit around feeling sorry for themselves. Hell, Ellenor's not feeling sorry for herself; she's damned mad. She's beyond mad; she's fuming, steam coming out of her ears and seeing red all over the place. With no more vacant platitudes on hand, the only response Rebecca can muster is a semi-smile with a nod. You go, Ellenor. You be pissed. You've got every right.
Suffering County Client Room. Miguel and Christina are praying together. Yawn. Could this be anymore contrived? Honestly. Give me a freaking break. There is a knock at the door. The jury is back.
Courtroom. The forewoman stands. She reads the verdict. Emily purses her lips. They find him guilty. The Reverend looks upset. Christina cries. The judge looks to the defendant and tries to end the trial, but changes his mind and overturns the verdict. He sets Miguel free. Lindsay and Jimmy look pleased. Emily cries. Christina and Miguel embrace. Helen puts her hand on her head in a gesture of utter disbelief. Puh-lease. The entire episode has been pointing us to the obvious conclusion that eyewitness testimony is unreliable. You all know what that means. Yup. You know it's coming. The Plot Twist.
Men's Room. Miguel looks at himself in the mirror. He just can't believe what's happening. Jimmy comes in, and Miguel says, "It's not right for a man to cry. I had to come in." Ah, he's a saint, that Miguel, right? Blah comfort blah. Miguel: "One day I will repay you, Mr. Berluti!" They embrace. In comes the Reverend and rails on Jimmy, blah you betrayed me, blah duty blah. Oh, what a speech -- fire and brimstone, burn in hell, betrayed a man of the cloth, rain down some sulfur, betrayal and blah. Jimmy leaves the restroom. He meets Lindsay outside, who says that Miguel still has to check with probation before he can leave the courthouse. Jimmy of course goes back into the bathroom, where he finds Miguel and the Reverend in a one hell of an embrace. Which is just so utterly ridiculous that I'm almost embarrassed to type it. The Lump says, "Oh my God!" The two men break apart. Jimmy says again, "Oh my God! There was no congregant who confessed, was there!" Pause. Guilty looks on both Reverend Crane and Miguel. Jimmy continues, "You need to check with probation before you can go." Miguel says okay and leaves the bathroom, offering no explanation. The ridiculous quasi-Western-movie-showdown stares from Jimmy to the minister and back again, touching upon the moral outrage felt by each man, end this farce of an episode. So, do you think that Miguel actually killed the guy?
week on The Practice: Bull from Band of Brothers guest stars as Bobby's client. He's got a serious problem. He tried to rip off a drug dealer he thought was an independent, only it turns out he ran with the big boys. Bull wants Bobby to go to the police if he ends up dead. The Emperor consults with Eugene; he's got to go to the police, only he can't because of -- you guessed it -- privilege. Lindsay asks Helen for a favour. She wants a DNA test for a man convicted of rape over seven years ago.